Mike's Desk Theatre 3000 By Mike MacDonald (KNIGHTSABR@aol.com) DISCLAIMER: The characters of Mike's Desk are from a comic strip currently under development (when I get the resources ready, anyway), and are my property. However, if you'd like to incorporate any of them in a story or MST, please let me know and I'll give you my blessing! I would also like to note that I mean no harm to the authors of bad fanfics. . . .actually, I would mean that if the fics weren't by AAA- PhuckNut or Tank Cop. I'll be honest. >;( Hell, or by any of their associates. I've read some real horror shows on this site. Now, let's meet the cast! These are the toys in Mike's room: NATHAN (sunglassed prick): "Ever get in such a hurry that you sit on your nuts?" ANTOINETTE (pretty maiden): ". . .can't say that I have, Nathan." SNICKER (a smiley face on a slinky): "Why am I here?" BRIANNA (S&M doll): "Nate, I'm bored. Make out with me." MACKIE (a little video-game obsessed devil): ". . .dammit!!! Why can't you steal anything, Zidane???" TINA (a little pixie): "I love puppies!" SPUD MC (funky fresh potatohead): "Buy a nickel bag, smoke a little out. . ." BAKA (wind-up ninja turtle): "Kick, chop, block, it's all in the mind. . ." GINNY (little athletic doll): "We aren't reading anything by Tank Cop, are we?" NORMAN (brain in a jar w\ top hat): "What?" PRINCESS MIRANDA: "What on earth was I called here for??" EVOL (trench coated, skull-headed bastard): "Satan is my bitch!! Mwahahaha!!!" DALEK (alien): ". . .please kill me." Since the characters are action figures and other toys, there might be guests from games and cartoons, provided they have a toy lineup. So you might see characters from popular RPG's appear in later projects as guest stars. We open on Mike's desk, the setting of. . .um. . .Mike's Desk. Antoinette comes out with Nathan. RED: Hi! Welcome to Mike's Desk, and the first edition of Mike's Desk Theatre 3000. I'm Antoinette, but everyone here calls me Red Riding Hood. NATE: So, naturally, she has a green cape. (Red hits him) NATE: OWW!! RED: Nathan! We're not two lines into this damn fanfic-bashfest and you're already being a jerk! NATE: Hey, I got a reputation to keep, Anne. RED: Well, don't poke fun at my cape! (retains order) Anyway, in MDT3K, we basically make fun of really bad Tenchi Muyo fan fiction. NATE: Really, really bad fan fiction. BRIANNA: Really. . .really. . .really. . .BAD fan fiction. SPUD: Horrible, terrible, traumatic. . . RED: You guys wanna shut up??? NATE: I see you decided to join us, guys. BRIANNA: Yeah, nothin' going on around the desk. SPUD: Thought we'd hang with you guys. RED: Anyway, we make fun of this trash to make it less agonizing for other fans out there. NATE: Keeping the teen suicide rate from rising. . . (Red elbows him.) RED: And to make it up to the anime characters for their horrible character violations, not to mention other violations. See, a lot of these fics are raunchy, horrid, and only entertaining to people who are on death row. Of course, we mean no harm to the authors of these stories when we totally deface them. NATE: No more harm than they meant to us. Though, every little bit helps. RED: Nate, since you seem so anxious to talk to the readers, why don't I hand the mic over to you?? NATE: Good idea. I'm the main character anyway. (Red steps aside, muttering obscenities) Now, you're probably wondering "Why the hell would you people torture yourselves like this??" Well, that's easily explained: Mike's room has some pretty decent folks living in it, but there are plenty of less pleasant people inhabiting it as well. BRIANNA: Real first-class turds. SPUD: Word. NATE: Take Evol, for example. Evol is the top-billing villain in Mike's room. BRIANNA: You probably read his description above? Skull-faced nazi bastard with a trench coat. Lots and lots of firearms. . . NATE: He's the kind of guy that answers simple, everyday questions with some large gun or blunt object. He was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Rest of His Class" in his senior yearbook. Real sweetheart. Anyway, this whole fanfic-mocking event was his idea. Evol found a way to suck us into Mike's laptop computer whenever he finds a nice, fudgey turd of a fanfic for us to read. RED: He forces us to read them all the way through. SPUD: Jabroni. NATE: So, we really don't do this as a hobby. It's kinda forced on us. Okay, Anne, if you're feeling better, you can explain the reading procedures to the readers. RED: I'm thrilled. Okay, basically, when we talk, the name of the speaker will appear in all caps with a colon next to it, like a script for a play. That's really all we have to go on for a text file. We tried to get our lines and actions in a different color, but it just doesn't work that way in Notepad. NATE: Of course, if you're colorblind, like Antoinette here, it wouldn't make a difference anyway. (Antoinette bursts into tears, punches Nathan, and runs away just as Snicker walks up to the group.) SPUD: That was jacked, Nate. SNICKER: What'd he do? BRIANNA: He made a comment about Red's colorblindness. SNICKER: Dude, that's not cool!!! NATE: Damn, she hits hard!! SNICKER: I hope it knocked some sense into you. NATE: Kinda turned me on, actually. . . (Brianna squeals and jumps on top of Nate. Evol and Dalek arrive.) EVOL: Mwahahaa!! There you are, you collective, goody-goody knuckleknobs! I have finally found the perfect Tenchi Muyo fanfic to curdle your. . .(sees Brianna and Nate on the floor) THE HELL?!?!? (Nate pushes Brianna off by her breasts and stands up.) NATE: Well, hello, Lord. . .um. . .Bastard. SNICKER: Good one. EVOL: I'm going to pretend I didn't see that. DALEK: Odds are you didn't, Sir. Nathan couldn't get a woman if his miserable life depended on it. NATE: What was that just now, then? Twister?? EVOL: I sure as hell hope so! NATE: It ain't my fault that the only woman who'll go for me is Psycho Bitch over here! BRIANNA: Ohh, Nathan!! SPUD: So, what's this fanfic you're gonna feed us? EVOL: A delightfully stomach-churning piece called "Magical Girl Pretty Noboyuki!!!" NATE: Great. Sounds stimulating already. SNICKER: We can take it, Nate. Who's it by? DALEK: AAA-PhuckNut. SNICKER: . . .we're gonna die. EVOL: You're welcome! Mwahahahaaa!!! BRIANNA: Hey, wait. . .at least three other groups of fictional characters have already MSTed that fanfic. SNICKER: Including the author! And a poor one at that. . . BRIANNA: And now you want us to suffer through it, too?? EVOL: I have a perfectly good explanation for that: SHUT UP!!! (Bri and Snicker jump, then Evol boots up the laptop.) SPUD: So, we got a crew fo' this one? NATE: Well, we're gonna have to settle for you guys since Antoinette ran off. SNICKER: Since you made her cry. NATE: Hey, I got an idea! Why don't you rub it in my face?? (Evol hits CTRL-ALT-DEL on the laptop and sucks Nathan, Brianna, Snicker, and Spud MC into Microsoft Word 2000.) EVOL: Time to cry!! Hahahahaaa!!! (he loads up the fanfic and the horror begins. . .) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ BRIANNA: Hey, those lines do look like the separation lines on toilet paper. SNICKER: How appropriate. NATE: The author probably knew we'd be wiping our asses with this fanfic after reading it. Magical Girl Pretty NOBOYUKI!!! NATE: . . .damn. Anne coulda said something really witty about that. SNICKER: If you hadn't stabbed her in the heart. NATE: Am I gonna have to put up with this shit through the entire fanfic??? SNICKER: No, I'll probably be too busy vomiting. A senseless fic from a senseless person, AAA-PhuckNut !! SNICKER: Boy, his impression of himself doesn't leave us many opportunities to bash him, does it? BRIANNA: His name doesn't leave much open for insults, either. SPUD: I'm sure Nate'll think o' something. NATE: Phuck yeah! (everyone shakes their heads) Disclaimer: I dont own these characters, but AIC and Pioneer do. This fic contains sex so you have to be 18+ to read it. NATE: But your maturity level has to be that of a mentally and sexually disturbed sixth grader to enjoy it. Tenchi and Ryoko lovers rejoice!! This isnt really related to the Pretty Sammy series, but Noboyuki goes insane, and I needed a funny title :P SNICKER: Somehow I get the feeling that the title won't make up for much of anything. NATE: Well, at least it won't be like Pretty Sammy. I hate cutesy, squeaky anime. And I can't stand pink. BRIANNA: The color or the diva? NATE: . . .both. SPUD: You hate practically everything, dude. SNICKER: I understand hating the diva, though. Divas suck. BRIANNA: I think she's a pop star. SNICKER: Well, pop tarts suck pretty hard, too. SPUD: Pink's pretty butch. NATE: Yeah, she is. BRIANNA: Oh, I suppose she's a lesbian 'cause she's meaty and has short hair, right? NATE: Hey, I never said she was a lesbian. I hate stereotypes. (turns to Spud) Think she's a dyke? (Brianna hits Nate.) ________________________________________________________________________ Yet again it was just another normal day at the Masaki household. Tenchi just woke up to the sound of Ayeka and Ryoko fighting over him outside of his door, BRIANNA: (Ayeka) He's gay! SNICKER: (Ryoko) He's impotent! BRIANNA: Gay!! SNICKER: Impotent!! (They make cat noises while Spud makes a wrestling bell sound.) "God... Not those two fighting again!" complained Tenchi. NATE: (Tenchi) At least when Sasami and Washu fight it's arousing. BRIANNA: Hey, don't be sicker than the author! "I know they're fighting over me.. SPUD: Mrs. Masaki didn't raise no fools. BRIANNA: Now, Mrs. Phucknut. . . I love them both equally though.. or do I? I seem so attracted to Ryoko for some reason. NATE: That reason wouldn't have anything to do with "breasts", would it? SPUD: Or words like "snatch"? "bootie"? "erection"? SNICKER: "Clam chowder"? BRIANNA: Ewww!! Maybe its because she never had anyone to love her, and I feel like it is my duty to show her affection, a feeling that no one has ever given her before." Tenchi said to himself. BRIANNA: Co-writer - Mojo Jojo. SPUD: I saw that one comin'. "Hmmmm..." Tenchi sighed. SNICKER: Never heard a sigh like that before. NATE: This guy must've taken "Onomatopoeia Phuck-ups 101" in college. BRIANNA: The name joke got old ten minutes before it was conceived, Nathan. SNICKER: Wait, he went to college? SPUD: Yo, I'd be amazed if he passed grade school. "Thats it! Today im going to show her that I truly love her and end this silly fighting!" exclaimed Tenchi. NATE: Character violation number 106; Tenchi cannot make a decision like that in four seconds! BRIANNA: He can't make a decision about crap. Tenchi then got dressed and snuck past Ryoko and Ayeka who were too busy fighting to notice Tenchi. SNICKER: "Snuck past"? They were in front of his door!! Did he go out the window? NATE: (Lo Wang) Ha ha! Tenchi is master ninja! On his way down to breakfast, a scary thought popped up in Tenchi's mind, (all as Tenchi) SNICKER: Oh, no! I am gay!! NATE: Oh, no! I am impotent!! BRIANNA: Oh, no! I'm stuck in a lemon fanfic!! SPUD: Oh, no! I must be dead! I snuck past Ayeka and Ryoko when they were right in front of my door!! NATE: Oh, no! What if no one likes me?? BRIANNA: Oh, no! What if lightning strikes me?? SNICKER: Oh, no! What if I'm Woody Allen?? SPUD: Oh, no! What if I'm PhuckNut?? "Oh no! That bitch Sakuya still thinks I love her!! AARRGG!" Tenchi thought to himself. SNICKER: . . .. . . BRIANNA: Shit, that was unexpected. . . NATE: That was real phucking out of character right there. BRIANNA: Okay, stop! "Oh well.. HEHEHE I have the perfect plan!!" Tenchi said to himself as an evil smile crossed his lips. SPUD: (as Evil Smile) 'Scuse me, Tench. Just passin' through. . . BRIANNA: An evil lip crossed his smile. SNICKER: A crossed lip smiled his evil. Just then, out of the blue, came Noboyuki wearing a pink tutu and holding a paper mache wand, SNICKER: !!! That's pretty out of the blue for me!! SPUD: (Noboyuki) Watch out for the queers! It's matin' season!! NATE: What the phuck?? (Brianna hits Nate.) "AHAHAHAH!! I AM MAGICAL PRETTY GIRL NOBOYUKI!!!! AHAHAHAHAH" screamed a very deranged Noboyuki. "I WILL MAKE EVERYONE LOVE EVERYONE!!!! AHAHHAHAHA!!!" screamed MPGNoboyuki as he skipped out the front door and headed to the bus stop. SNICKER: . . .. . .okay, it appears the author has increased his alcohol intake. ((MPGNoboyuki stands for Magical Girl Pretty Noboyuki, incase you didnt know :P) -AAA-PhuckNut) SNICKER: How do you make an ASCII middle finger? NATE: How do you make an ASCII "bullet-to-PhuckNut's-head"? "Oh Great!! There goes dad acting insane again!! That dirty bastard!" Tenchi yelled. BRIANNA: He must do this often, then. SPUD: I must've missed that episode. . . NATE: (puts one fist on his head) Go to bed, old bastard! Tenchi ran to the kitchen and yelled to Sasami, SNICKER: Teriyaki bowl with wonton! Pick it up! Ding! "Sasami! Quick call the Shady Oaks Insane Asylum!! Dad thinks he's Magical Girl Pretty Noboyuki again!!" Tenchi beamed. BRIANNA: (Sasami) sigh. I'll go get the dog. . . SNICKER: He beamed?? He's proud of his psychotic heritage??? NATE: (as Capt. Kirk) Mr. Scott, beam me the hell outta here!!! "NOO!! Not again!! This could be dangerous!!" Sasami said. Sasami then called the Shady Oaks Insane Asylum, SPUD: Yeah, I'm callin' chicka chicka Slim Shady Insane Asylum! BRIANNA: (into megaphone) Will the real Shady Insane Asylum please stand up? SNICKER: "Insane in tha membrane. . ." NATE: Okay, I think we milked that premise dry. . . "Hello! and welcome to the Shady Oaks Insane Asylum automated commiting a person to the asylum hotline!" said a robotic recording. "If you are being murdered by an insane criminal, please press 1 now." said the recording. BRIANNA: If you are being murdered by a sane criminal, press. . . SPUD: If you are being murdered by this fanfic, abandon all hope. SNICKER: If you are AAA-PhuckNut, please apply a shard of glass to your throat. "If you are the insane person, please press 2 now." said the recording. "If Magical Girl Pretty Noboyuki is on the loose again, please press 3 now." said the recording NATE: Was this idiot worried about his redundancy factor??? BRIANNA: The sad thing is he proofread it twelve times. SNICKER: "Bite me" said the recording. Sasami then pressed 3, "Thank you for choosing 3, please hold for an operator!" said the recording. SPUD: Can't. . .hold it. . .back teeth. . .floating. . . NATE: Is it possible to hold someone's pee for them? BRIANNA: I could test it out for you, Nathan, since we're right next to each other. . . (Brianna leans over him seductively and puts her hand down his pants.) NATE: Uhh, Bri, we really oughta be reading the – AAHH!! COLD HANDS!!! COLD HANDS!!! Sasami waited patiently while some elevator played over the phone. SNICKER: She listened as the brake system failed with a screech, and heard the helpless screams of twenty people as the elevator plunged into the sub basement below. . . Finally a operator came on, "MGPNoboyuki is out again!!!" screamed the operator sounding very scared. SPUD: (Sasami) Hell, if you already knew, then why'd you put me on hold??? "Yes he just came out!! He left the house and headed for the bus to Tokyo!" yelled Sasami. "OH GREAT!! THIS IS TERRIBLE!! Has he raped any small animals yet?!" said the operator. NATE: (Sasami) Uhh, well, the pokemon universe has diminished to 26 types, I'll tell you that much. . . ALL: UGH!! "No, not that I know of.. But you better hurry before he does!!" Sasmi said. SNICKER: He spelled "Sasami" wrong. SPUD: Would you even notice a turd in a punchbowl, Snick? (But it was too late) ________________________________________________________________________ _ NATE: (narrator) The scene change lines had taken over! MGPNoboyuki skipped along through the woods until he ran into a squirel, BRIANNA: Damn big squirrel. SPUD: (as squirrel) EXCUSE ME . . . "HELLO MR. SQUIREL!! I AM MAGICAL GIRL PRETTY NOBOYUKI! I WILL SHOW YOU LOVE!!" screamed MGPNoboyuki. SNICKER: (as squirrel) Hello, Mr. Sick Bastard! I am Magical Squirrel Pretty Terrified, and I'm gettin' the fuck outta here!!!!!! The squirel shrieked in terror as MGPNoboyuki grabbed onto the squirel, then he lifted his tutu and rammed his hard cock into the squirel's ass, "HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" yelled MGPNoboyuki. NATE: Oh, I get it. It's a comedy. ALL: (flatly) Hahahahahahaha. MGPNoboyuki's penis ripped through the squirel's entire body and popped out of the top of the squirel's head. BRIANNA: Okay, "AAH". . . Then the squirels body split in half and squirel blood covered MGPNoboyuki's cock. MGPNoboyuki then took the squirel's body and happily ate it, NATE: Squirrel pudding. (everyone pukes.) "IT IS MY DUTY TO SHOW LOVE TO ALL THE CREATURES OF GODS PLANET!!" screamed MGPNoboyuki. He then skipped off down the trail to the bus. NATE: It's over!! ALL: (getting up to leave) YAAAAYY!!! ________________________________________________________________________ __ "Well, I guess we shouldn't worry too much now, Sasami." said Tenchi. ALL: Awww. . . "Yeah, I guess so.. The insane asylum should take care of everything." said Sasami. "But dont you remember what happend last time?" said Sasami. BRIANNA: Punctuation error number forty-nine. . . NATE: Typo number infinity!!! "Yeah I know, it took 15 men to stop him from raping all those people in Tokyo, they practically beat him to death with night sticks." said Tenchi. SNICKER: So fourteen people is not enough to stop him, and 8,163,573 people is too many to stop him??? "Well I hope they can fix him permanently this time!" exclaimed Sasami. ALL: So do we!! "Me too. Well I have to go take care of some business, Ill see ya later Sasami." said Tenchi. SPUD: (Tenchi) I gotta go shake hands with the king of Jurai. (Brianna laughs.) "Ok Tenchi see ya later!" Sasami said. Tenchi then left the kitchen and headed up the stairs to Ryoko's room. Tenchi arrived at her room and opened the door, and she wasnt there, NATE: Tenchi was not pleased. SPUD: Tenchi was confused. SNICKER: Tenchi is confused easily. BRIANNA: Tenchi is kind of an idiot. "Hmm, she must be at her favorite tree, ill go there." Tenchi said to himself. SNICKER: Sentence. . .structure. . .poor. . .cardiovascular. . .activity. . .slowing. . . Tenchi then went downstairs and headed out the door, avoiding Ayeka, who was NATE: . . .a bitch. sitting on the couch watching TV. Tenchi got outside safely SPUD: (narrator) . . .just barely making it past the bear traps, Dobermans, and electric barriers. . . and went to Ryoko's favorite tree, and he saw her laying up there on a branch, SNICKER: Period. Period. Period! PERIOD!!! "Wow, she is so beautiful." Tenchi thought to himself when he saw her. "Hey Ryoko!" yelled Tenchi. NATE: I'm glad he clarified who was yelling. Ryoko turned her head towards him, and then she saw it was Tenchi and she said, SNICKER: (Ryoko) Damn, this writer is redundant. "Oh hi Tenchi!" then she teleported down next to him. "What brings you here?" asked Ryoko when she got next to him. NATE: (manly Tenchi) My rather large member. BRIANNA: Oh, gawd. . . "Well, I was wondering if you wanted to take a walk with me, because I have to tell you something. "Ok, sure." Ryoko said, sounding a little bit suprised. NATE: Wow, he actually spelled "surprise" correctly! Wait. . .shit. They started to walk down a trail that leaded into the forest, then Tenchi spoke up, NATE: Leaded or unleaded? ALL: . . .. . .. . . SPUD: Anybody wanna do the rimshot? "Ryoko, what I wanted to tell you was that.. umm.. I..." SPUD: (Tenchi) . . .think this fanfic sucks big, hairy balls. NATE: (to Spud) Dang, you got a good one in there. Ryoko's heart started to flutter when she heard him say this, (Nate makes a fart noise.) "I love you!" exclaimed Tenchi. "Oh Tenchi!! You dont know how long I have waited for you to say that!! I love you so much too!!" exclaimed a VERY happy Ryoko. SNICKER: I don't think he stressed that enough. They then hugged each other and gazed into one another's eyes. BRIANNA: Sounds like a painful position. ALL: You would know. BRIANNA: Oh, hush. Their faces slowly came closer and closer together until their lips were touching, then they went into a deep kiss. As they kissed, Ryoko moved her hands all over Tenchi's chest, slowly moving downward untill she put her hands into his pants and massaged his growing erection, NATE: Sounds like even PhuckNut wants this to end. SPUD: Nah, he just wanted ta finish this one up so he could write another Sasami porn. "Oh TENCHI!! I want you so bad!!" exclaimed Ryoko. "oh umm.. HEHE.. umm HEH." said a very nervous Tenchi. SNICKER: Does Tenchi have dual personalities?? He was screaming "I love you" a moment ago, and now he's back to his wussy, pansy self again! What the hell?? Ryoko then teleported them both to Tenchi's room, and she layed him down on the bed and she started to strip, NATE: She has a cage and everything. BRIANNA: Ryo-Ohki's the DJ. "mmmmmm.." Ryoko moaned as she stripped her clothes off. BRIANNA: Her race has orgasms from undressing? She really is horny all the time! NATE: You're one to talk. BRIANNA: (smirking) Likewise. "My god.. she is so fucking gorgeous!!" Tenchi though to himself. BRIANNA: Like, totally! NATE: Gawl. . . SPUD: Don't go there, girlfriend! SNICKER: What're you guys doing? Ryoko finished taking her clothes off and started to take Tenchis off. She took his pants off and then got on top of him, stradling his waist. She then slowly sat on Tenchi's cock, sliding it up her wet, tight, virgin pussy. NATE: I doubt she's that pure. A space pirate gets around, man. "oooohhh Tenchi, ive always wanted my first to be with you." said Ryoko. "Ive always wanted my first to be with you too." said Tenchi. BRIANNA: A last minute effort to be romantic. "Wow she's a virgin?? I never would have guessed that by the way she acts!" Tenchi thought to himself. NATE: (Ryoko) gasp! He's on to me! He's smarter than I thought! Ryoko started to bounce on him faster and faster, BRIANNA: (Ryoko) Whee!!. . .Wheee!!. . .Wheeee!!! SPUD: (Tenchi) Oww. . .ow. . .OWWW, DAMMIT!!! NATE: Maybe they're moshing. "RYOKO!! YES!!!" screamed Tenchi as he blew his load into her. SNICKER: "Blew his load"? NATE: I guess that means he threw up. SPUD: Sounds like it means he soiled himself or something. "OOOOOHH YESSSS TENCHIIIIIII!!" screamed Ryoko as she orgasmed shortly after Tenchi. NATE: Okay, we can rule out "blew his load" as a bad thing. SNICKER: For her. Then they slowed down and got off each other and went into a deep kiss, "I love you so much!" said Ryoko. "I love you too Ryoko, that was soooo good..." said Tenchi. Then they kissed each other some more and eventually fell asleep... NATE: Pretty embarrassing to fall asleep while making love. SPUD: What do you think, Snick? SNICKER: I don't have a sex life. I don't even have a reproductive system! NATE: But you like girls, right? I mean, doesn't Brianna turn you on? SNICKER: I'm a fricking smiley face on a slinky! I wasn't modeled after anything with hormones! NATE: You don't even get aroused? SNICKER: I get nauseated. SPUD: Didn't think it was so personal. Sorry, dude. SNICKER: Don't worry about it. . . ________________________________________________________________________ ____ MGPNoboyuki neared the bus stop, he had already raped 3 squirels, 2 dogs, and a goat, NATE: Falling into second place, close behind Pixie PhuckNut who has basically raped every person in this room! "NOW I WILL GO TO THE CITY AND SHOW LOVE TO EVERYONE!!! AHAHAHHAHAHA!" screamed MGPNoboyuki. Just as he got close to the bus stop, he saw the all to common sight, to him, of the white paddy wagon with its sirens on speeding his way, BRIANNA: PhuckNut was passing out when he wrote that paragraph. "THE ANTI-LOVE MEN HAVE COME TO STOP MY LOVE!! I MUST RUN!!" screamed MGPNoboyuki. (Snicker makes 6 Million Dollar Man noises.) BRIANNA: (laughing) "Jet-Li, I must run!!" NATE: (impersonating Jet-Li movie) Master, he has insulted our school! (Everyone makes kung-fu noises.) He then ran back as fast as he could to the house. When he got to the house and came to the front gate he saw Azaka and Kamidake. SPUD&SNICKER: (Azaka and Kamidake) Ohh, shit. . . "AHAHAHA!! I MUST SHOW MY FRIENDS LOVE!!" screamed MGPNoboyuki as he headed right towards Azaka. NATE: I really do not remember Tenchi's dad being this big a nutbar. "Ah, greetings sir!" said Azaka as MGPNoboyuki headed towards him. "Um sir? May I ask why you are wearing that womans dress?" asked Azaka. SPUD: (pointing, as Azaka) That woman, there. "I WILL SHOW YOU LOVE MY LOG FRIEND!!" screamed MGPNoboyuki. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Azaka screamed. MGPNoboyuki quickly grabbed ahold of Azaka, and plunged his penis into Azaka's little electric eye thingy. NATE: (as the Tick) Gads! The boner of a titan! (The others laugh, but only briefly.) His penis shattered the glass eye, and destroyed all the electronics inside. MGPNoboyuki was in pure ecstasy as the broken glass and sharp electric components ripped up his penis. Blood started pouring from his penis, NATE&SPUD: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! SNICKER: Second graders shouldn't be writing stuff like this. . . "AHHHHHHHH-----" was all Azaka could say before he lost power. Kamidake was smart and already ran away when MGPNoboyuki attacked Azaka. ALL: Go, Kamidake!!! Run like the wind!!!! Get outta there!!! SPUD: (Forrest Gump) Ah kept on ruhnin, 'cause ah didn't want ta be raped bah the big scareh fuckah! NATE: Life is like an eyeful of Noboyuki's cock. . . MGPNoboyuki pulled his penis out of Azaka and cried at what he saw, "NOOOOO MY LOVE STICK HAS BEEN DESTROYED!! HOW CAN I SHOW LOVE TO EVERYONE NOW??!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed MGPNoboyuki. MGPNoboyuki's penis was a bloody mangled mess of shreds of skin and stuff. SNICKER: Stephen King he is not. "I GOT IT!! I WILL JUST MAKE MYSELF BECOME REBORN SO I WILL HAVE A NEW LOVE STICK!!!!" exclaimed a very happy MGPNoboyuki. BRIANNA: Oh, dear lord in heaven, can this get any worse???? SNICKER: Well, at least Phucknut hasn't used Sasami as a target for gruesome violations in this story. MGPNoboyuki then ran into the house and into the kitchen, where Sasami was, SNICKER: Aw, GOD DAMMIT!!!!! "Oh no!!!! HES HERE!!!" screamed Sasami, unfortuneatly no one heard her. NATE: They neatly didn't hear her? "YOU WILL HOLD MY REBORN FETUS!!!!" screamed MGPNoboyuki. SPUD: Snick, you a friggin' jinx, man!! BRIANNA: Yeah, after we kick the author's ass, we're gonna kick yours even harder! SNICKER: Sorry, sorry. . . NATE: Hey, let's not forget Evol's ass. ALL: Oh, yeah! He then grabbed a knife and sliced his scrotum off. SPUD&NATE: AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!! NO!!!! NO!!!! SNICKER: What is wrong with you two? He took his nuts and broke them open BRIANNA: (as Asian woman) Fortune testes say: "You will scar many readers." and grabbed onto Sasami and shoved them up her pussy, SNICKER: Okay. That's it. Death all around. It's decided. "OH GOD HELP MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" screamed Sasami. NATE: But God hath cut himself off from Hell and "Magical Girl Pretty Noboyuki". "AHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHA!!!!! NOW TO GO BECOME REBORN!!!" screamed MGPNoboyuki. MGPNoboyuki then ran out of the house with the knife and stabbed himself in the head so that he could be reborn. Then knife punctured the side of his skull and went straight through his brain, he died a few seconds later. NATE: But not before raping PhuckNut in the head and ass, and severing his writing hand. The end. Of course, he was insane and he wasnt reborn.. BRIANNA: What kind of phucking kindergarteners does he think we are???????? NATE: Hey, now you're doing it. ________________________________________________________________________ _ SNICKER: So. . .cyanide, anyone? Tenchi woke up and looked over to see Ryoko still asleep. Just then Ayeka burst into the room and saw a naked Tenchi and Ryoko hugging each other in bed. "YOU DEMON!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO TENCHI!!" screamed Ayeka. "AYEKA!!" Tenchi yelled. SPUD: (Tenchi) The PhuckNut made me do it! "Its.. its not her fault Ayeka.. I love her Ayeka.." Tenchi confessed. BRIANNA: . . .to Ayeka. Ayeka ran out of the room crying and ran out of the house past Noboyuki's bloody corpse, not even caring about it. SNICKER: (Ayeka) Mr. Masaki. . .sniff. . .you won't believe what Lord Tenchi di-EEEEEEEEEEEK!!! NATE: (Ayeka) Dirty bastard. I'm glad he's dead. Ayeka headed out into the woods and found a tree and sat by it. SPUD: . . .right on top of a sprinkler head. BRIANNA: (Ayeka) Oh, my!!! "WHYYY!!! WHY DOES HE LOVE HER!!!!!!" screamed Ayeka. NATE: (as God) USE QUESTION MARKS! I INVENTED THEM FOR A REASON! "How could he fall in love with that... that.. BRIANNA: Trollop? SNICKER: Skank? NATE: Woman of ill repute? SPUD: PhuckNut? that DEMON!!" screamed Ayeka. NATE: Close enough, MC. Ayeka cried some more, then decided that she didnt belong here anymore. NATE: She was enjoying the sprinkler head too much. "He doesnt love me.. he loves HER.. I dont need to stay here.. IM LEAVING!!" yelled Ayeka. BRIANNA: (Ayeka) Goodbye, sprinkler head. And at that she went back to the house and found Sasami balled up in a corner crying her eyes out, NATE: I don't even like Sasami and that pisses me off. "Sasami!! Lets go we are leaving!!" yelled Ayeka. BRIANNA: (Sasami) B-but, Sister, I just got raped by a crazy guy in a tutu that. . . SNICKER: (Ayeka) Welcome to the real world, Sasami! Let's go! NATE: (laughing) Ouch! Ayeka then grabbed Sasami and they left, never to return. SPUD: Just barely escaping being violated by the perverted, demented grasp of AAA-PhuckNut. . .oh, wait. . .SHIT!!! ________________________________________________________________________ __ NATE: Anyone got any puke left? SPUD: I think I got a little. . . NATE: Can I borrow some? SPUD: Sure. "Theres still one thing I have to do, my love" Tenchi said to a sleeping Ryoko. SNICKER: (Tenchi) Shoot myself in the head, and putting a bullet into my skull and through my brain, and dying several seconds later. SPUD: But, of course, he was insane and was not reborn. NATE: I must run. (they make more kung-fu noises.) "I must KILL THAT SAKUYA BITCH!!" screamed Tenchi, almost waking Ryoko up. SNICKER: Personality #2 returns. SPUD: Y'know what? I bet PhuckNut is a lot like that jackass from them CALLATT commercials. BRIANNA: Oh, you mean the guy that shoulda died in Scream 3? SPUD: Yeah. NATE: I woulda killed him, only I woulda actually killed him and filmed it. If it looked good, I'd use it. If not, I'd re-shoot it from a different angle with another guy. BRIANNA: I think imagining PhuckNut looking like that guy has influenced you to want that. NATE: No, not really. Tenchi then went to the phone and called up his 'old friend'. "Hello? God father?" said Tenchi. "hmm Tenchi is that you?" said the voice with a heavy italian accent. NATE: . . .. . .you have got to be kidding me!!! BRIANNA: Now he's snorting Comet!! SNICKER: Then why hasn't the filth of this fanfic washed away??? "Yes, it is I, I need you to 'take care' of someone for me." Tenchi then told what he wanted to his Italian friend. BRIANNA: If I were Marlon Brando, I'd cut off Tenchi's head and put it in PhuckNut's bed. NATE: Cool! ________________________________________________________________________ ___ SNICKER: What are those lines for, anyway? NATE: I think they indicate scene changes. SNICKER: He's only used them for three scene changes out of about eight or nine!! NATE: Y'know, you're right. Sakuya sat in her shitty little hovel she calls home, BRIANNA: Ahh, I see. The author wants Sakuya dead. SNICKER: Not very subtle, is he? NATE: Adorable girl, gooey baby turd of a series. BRIANNA: . . .you have the most interesting way of describing things. thinking about Tenchi, when she heard a knock on the door. SPUD: (as Noc) Hisssssssssss. . .get me off of thissssss stupid door. . .. . . BRIANNA: . . .what the hell was that? SPUD: A cobra. You know, "Noc"? BRIANNA: . . .I don't get it. SNICKER: Ohh, I get it! That was the cobra from Rikki Tikki Tavi! NATE: Oh, yeah, I remember that movie! That little mongoose kicked ass! SNICKER: Good one, MC. BRIANNA: Hello?? Wanna include little ol' Brianna?? NATE: There's this cartoon movie we watched in grade school called Rikki Tikki Tavi, about a family that buys a mongoose to kill snakes in their home. The bad guy was a scary cobra named Noc. BRIANNA: Oh. Okay. SNICKER: Shouldn't we be reading the fic? NATE: I think the longer we talk, the more we miss, and the less pissed we get. SPUD: Oh, cool, bro. Sakuya went and answered the door and saw 2 tall, strong looking, italian men wearing very expensive looking suits, and black sun glasses. NATE: DAMMIT!!! We haven't moved ahead one sentence during all of that!! ALL: CURSE YOU, EVOL!!!!! EVOL: You're welcome! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! "Good day miss, you must be Sakuya?" said the first man. "Yes my name is Sakuya. May I help you?" said a puzzled Sakuya. "Would you please come with us? A man named Tenchi would like to see you." said the man. SNICKER: Wait, they live in Japan, right? NATE: Yeah. SNICKER: So, wouldn't Tenchi have called the Yakuza instead? NATE: No. He'd call the Cosa Nostra. Perfectly logical. SNICKER: Really? Huh. . . Sakuya didnt want to go.. but then she heard him say Tenchi wanted to see her, so she went with them. They arrived outside SNICKER: They had to travel all the way out of Sakuya's "Shitty little hovel"? NATE: Took the subway out. SPUD: It's a biiiiig shitty little hovel. SNICKER: A big little hovel? NATE: That's shitty. BRIANNA: AARRGGHH!! Shut up!! and they went over to the shiny black car, with black tinted windows. She got in the back and noticed there was a driver already waiting in the car. SPUD: This isn't gonna follow every little step she takes, is it?? NATE: (narrator) Sakuya calmly inhaled a breath of air, but then she exhaled it. The ride was totally silent untill they reached their destination, BRIANNA: Then they broke out with the party horns and boo-gey-downnnnn! But Sakuya was puzzled.. "Why are we at the docks?" asked Sakuya. "Your friend Tenchi is waiting for you on a yacht out at sea, we will get on a boat and head out to him." said one of the men. "Oh ok." said Sakuya. NATE: (narrator) That cleared things up for Sakuya. They hopped on a motor boat and headed out to the yacht. They finally arrived at the yacht. "Come, your friend awaits you." said one of the men. Sakuya and the men stepped off the boat and onto the yacht. "Please wait here while I go and get him." said one of the men. The man walked around to the other side of the captains area. "Please follow me." said one of the men standing next to Sakuya. "Ok." said Sakuya as she followed him. SNICKER: Guys. . . They headed around to the other side where the other guy had gone, SNICKER: Guys. . .I'm not gonna make it. . . NATE: You'll be okay, buddy. SNICKER: No, I mean, he's describing everything but Sakuya's friggin' breathing rhythm!!! It makes me want to scratch my face off!!! BRIANNA: When you look at it that way, PhuckNut really is kinda like Stephen King! then Sakuya noticed a box with what looked like wet cement inside it. "What is that? It looks like cement." asked Sakuya. NATE: Okay, she's adorable, but dumber than an ice cube. All of the sudden BRIANNA: Not just any sudden! one of the men grabbed Sakuya and shoved her feet into the wet cement. "AHHHHHHH!!! what are you doing!!" screamed Sakuya. SPUD: We are putting your feet into this wet cement. NATE: And we are laughing about it. SPUD&NATE: Hahahahahahaha!! Then one of the guys stuck duct tape over her mouth. Then all 3 of them pulled out their pistols and started shooting her in the legs, filling her legs with hot lead. "MMMPPPPPHHH" Sakuya screamed in pain. SNICKER: What the hell'd they do that for?? NATE: So she won't be able to swim. Blood poured from her legs, then one man grabbed a crowbar and started to beat her in the spine with it. The sound of bones cracking could be heard very clearly. BRIANNA: How clearly can you hear this: "YOU'RE PHUCKING GAY, PHUCKNUT!!!" NATE&SPUD: Owww!!! SPUD: That was pretty friggin' clear, Bri!! Then they strapped a bomb to her that was set to detonate when her heartbeat slowed almost to stopping, but not quite. NATE: You know what? I'm starting to not believe this story. They shot her in the arms some more, SNICKER: (narrator) But she was okay, since she had eaten the mermaid's flesh and become immortal. then threw her into the ocean once the cement dried. SPUD: That cement dried pretty fast. NATE&BRIANNA: (singing) Go, Speed Mixer! Go, Speed Mixer! Go, Speed Mixer, Gooo!!! SNICKER: Mixer X is actually Speed's brother, who supposedly disappeared several years ago, but didn't since he's now Mixer X. SPUD: Go, Speed Mobster. . . She sunk like a rock, screaming all the way down, NATE: I'm not even gonna dignify that with a crass comment. SNICKER: It kinda did it to itself, really. she started losing oxygen quickly, and her blood filled the water, her heart slowed way down and then the bomb detonated filling the water with blood and chunks of her body. SPUD: And what else, PhuckNut? BRIANNA: C'mon, say it. Finish her off. Then extremely hungry sharks arrived and ate her remaining body parts. That was the end of Sakuya!! ((YES AHAHHAHAHAHAAH!!! SAKUYA THE BITCH IS DEAD!!! HAHHHAHAHAHA) - AAA-PhuckNut) SNICKER: This guy needs medication. Lots and lots of medication. NATE: How about forty sleeping pills? ________________________________________________________________________ ____ Tenchi and Ryoko were married and lived happily ever after, having 8 kids. BRIANNA: (as PhuckNut) Oh, yeah. Almost forgot. ________________________________________________________________________ ____ THE END ALL: Ahhhhhhhhhh. . . NATE: My favorite three-letter words! Dont forget to join my chat room if ya want!! SNICKER: Can you send people viruses through Instant Messages? Just connect to a DAL.net server and join #Ryoko See ya there! Send all comments to: viperz00@winfire.com SPUD: (as PhuckNut) See ya in hell! NATE: I think that's essentially what he meant. SPUD: Yeah, I guess. . . NATE: So, what did we all learn from this? SNICKER: Well, I learned that I can projectile vomit about two feet! BRIANNA: I liked this story, actually. It really got me thinking, like "Does this fanfic damage me mentally, or physically?" SPUD: "Is PhuckNut the antichrist, or is he jussa big pile o' dirt with a dead rat in the middle?" BRIANNA: "Do I want to kill PhuckNut, or do I want to pull his eyes out first????" NATE: Whoa!! Okay, I think everyone is pretty upset about this whole thing, but we made it out alive, didn't we? Brianna, you actually got more upset than I did. I'm amazed! BRIANNA: Let's just get out of this computer before I puke again. SNICKER: I feel violated in every conceivable way. . . ------------------------ (everyone comes out of the laptop. Evol and Dalek greet them.) NATE: Great. Just the guy I wanted to see. EVOL: Ha ha ha! I've never seen such squeamishness! That fic was perfect!! BRIANNA: Nathan, have anything to say to that? NATE: Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact. . . (Nate pulls out a pair of pistols and fires every round into Evol, reeling him back about twelve inches and causing him to tumble head over heels backwards. He lands on his face and doesn't move.) SPUD: Sweet, dawg! Just like in Last Man Standing!! (Dalek looks at Evol, then at Nathan, who has lowered his weapons.) DALEK: Hey, I just counsel the guy. NATE: And he hasn't fired you yet? (Antoinette arrives. She looks at Evol's wasted ass.) RED: Wow. . .bad fanfic? BRIANNA: You have no idea! SNICKER: We almost didn't get outta there alive! NATE: I'm dehydrated from puking so much. RED: That's. . .that's great. Why don't we sign off now? NATE: Yeah, I thought about that. I need a break. Wanna go get drinks with us? RED: I'd like that. Sure. (Evol springs back up, laughing the way he always does.) EVOL: Mwahahahahaaa!!! You cannot kill me! I'm a high-class villain, of the classic villain-that-gets-wasted-and-comes-back-for-more variety!! I'm cool like that. NATE: You mean you're obnoxious like that. SNICKER: Oh, great. Same time next week, guys? END Stinger: then Sakuya noticed a box with what looked like wet cement inside it. "What is that? It looks like cement." asked Sakuya. Well, I hope you enjoyed the first Mike's Desk Theatre 3000 episode. More to follow, I'm sure. Email what you think! We'd all love to hear from you! 'Til then, Sayonara!