In the world we live in, anime is a great medium. And of course, this can lead to fanfics. But not all fics are good. So, an elite group has been chosen to MST these lousy fics: KSAWARRIOR: the leader. SCIMITAR: the violent one. REI AYANAMI: the quiet one. RYOGA HIBIKI: the stupid one (Ryoga: HEY!) WASABI: the recorder. Together, these five are: KSA AND THE MSTERS! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MST SPECIAL: POINTLESS FICS MADNESS! _VWEEEEOOOO!VWEEEEEEEEEOOOO!_ The theaters' alarm system was on high alert! "What the hell's going on?" Ryoga yelled. "It's a special emergency alarm, in case my greatest fear came true!" The Ksawarrior responded. "Something that scares _you_!" Scimitar exclaimed, "I'm not sure I want to know!" Suddenly, the door exploded into flames! "OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" *Dear god no!* Rei Ayanami thought. *Not, _them_!* And Kodachi Kuno of Ranma 1/2, Jinnai of El-Hazard, and Kurei of Flame of Recca, walked in. "We have come to collect on the deal you made us, Ksa!" Kodachi yelled triumphantly. "Deal?" the others gave Ksa the death glare. "You guys don't remember?" Ksa asked with a shocked tone. "Remember what?!" the others were sure that they didn't make a deal the Psychotic Trio. "Remember at Fanime Con 99, what I did to them?" Ksa asked through clenched teeth. "Oh yeah!" //FLASHBACK\\ "Get em, Pikachu!" Ksa yelled, as the elelctric mouse thundershocked the Psychotic Trio. //END FLASHBACK\\ "To save us all from their wrath," Ksa sighed, "I promised that they could send me the worst fics that they could find. And I'd MST them myself." "You risked that to save us?" Wasabi asked. "Hey, you guys may be a group of mooks, but you're my mooks." "Anyways, Ksa," Kurei began, but Jinnai interupted, "Now you must suffer for what you did to the great Lord God Jinnai." "Wish me luck guys," Ksa said as he headed to the theater door. Then Scimitar grabbed Ksa's shoulder. "I'm going with you." "But-" "No buts, Ksa, you always need me for the real humor." "And don't forget us." the others chimed in. "You mean, you're going to help me?" "Yep." Ryoga summed up all their thoughts in that word. "The fics we chose may end up killing you all." Kurei commented. "Well, we've been together this long," Rei said. "Might as well go on to the end." Scimitar finished for her. Ksa smiled, then yelled, "Lets show those fic what we're made of!!" "YEAH!!" They all charged into the theater. "Brave souls, they are." Kurei said under his breath. "Too bad they're all nuts" Jinnai added. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ >(The group take their places for what may be the last time, right to left, Ryoga, Rei, Ksa, >Wasabi, and Scimitar) >Ksa: Lets show those three nuts what Ksa and the MSTers are like! >All: Yeah! Subject: Spamfic: Why Tokimi REALLY wants Tsunami and Washuu Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 23:13:13 -0700 From: "K'thardin" >Scimitar: Looks like we stole this MST from Peter. >Others: Your point? >Scimitar: None. Reply-To: tenchi@ML.usagi.org To: We haven't had a spamfic in awhile have we? >Wasabi: No, we haven't had one, ever. --------------------- >All: Dashers! Dashers! Hmm...I think I will blame Happosai for this one. >Ryoga: I knew it. Naa...I know I'll blame Happosai for this one! You suggested it first and now I STILL can't get the damn thing out of my head. ^_^ >Ksa: Happosai, the cause of the dumbest fics. This is very ecchi folks. Lime at least. >(Ryoga's nose explodes in blood) >Wasabi: Those three must have done their research on us and our particular weaknesses. >Scimitar: Nah, everyone knows that Ryoga can't handle lemons. >(Scimitar laughes it up while the others restrain Ryoga) Yes friends it is yet, >Rei: Another utterly annoying K'thardin fic where he inserts Cyraqs as someone special. Another Reason Why Tokimi Wants Washuu and Tsunami >Wasabi: So they can take care of her galaxy while she's on vacation. Guest starring Cyraqs and Tenchi (you can yell DOH! now ^_^) >All: Okay. DOH! ------------------------------------ >Ksa: Why, oh why, does everyone want to seperate passages like I do? Yes, they were hers now. >Scimitar: The last two M&Ms. Those two of her sisters who had left her, and so had betrayed her. >Rei: Jan Brady gets her revenge. Damn them! They would pay dearly for their mistake of going against her wishes. >All:(Jan) Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! Yes, there was Tsunami burning and seething >Ksa: Hey, K'thardin! Tsunami isn't really the type who seethes and burns! impotently in a barrier of Tokimi's superior Light Hawk Force. >Rei: When did Tokimi have Light Hawk Wings? >Ksa: Never, to the best of my knowledge. She still had her fire, t'would be all the more satisfying when she broke that spirit she had. >Scimitar: I sense an S&M queen lemon coming on. >Ryoga:(Trying to stop his nosebleed) Do you mind? >Scimitar: Not at all! ^_^ There too was Washuu...unconscious, but stirring. She too, would feel Tokimi's wrath for daring what they did! What they did! >Ksa: They put butter in her underwear drawer and run like the wind? >(The others stare at him nervously) >Rei: If I didn't know better, I'd swear that you sounded just like.... >Ksa: Yes? >Rei: Peter. >Ksa: K'thardin fics will do that to me. It had been surprisingly easy taking them; a simple offer to blow some thing up had distracted Cyraqs. >Wasabi: So the great Cyraqs ran away at the threat of an explosion. As for Tenchi...heh, all she did then was flash her breasts. He predictably went down for the count. >Scimitar: Here's a reinactment.(points to the unconcious Ryoga) The rest were fairly easy as well, no troubles there. Such weak protectors, and now it has cost them. >Rei: In yen, or dollars? Groggily Washuu opened her eyes, and after a time managed to focus them on her captor. "Lady Tokimi, I presume?" >Ksa:(Tokimi) No, I'm the ghost of Christmas Past, OF COURSE I'M LADY TOKIMI!! <> she replied in barely contained rage. "So what do you want with me?" >Ryoga: Something tells me we don't want to know. <> A feeling of something...pulling things in her head, filtered through Washuu's consciousness and then memories began filtering in, one by one. "Oh...so, I guess I'm your sister, huh?" >Rei: That was a pretty calm reaction to finding out you have a sister. <> "Umm, so what do you want with us again?" "Yeah! Why have you conquered countless dimensions, and amasses this enormous power? Why do you want us so badly?" Tsunami asked. >Ksa:(Tsunami) We already apologised for the butter prank. Tokimi turned from them, shoulders slumped, and body trembling. <> she told them quietly. "NO! WE DON'T KNOW, THAT'S WHY WE ARE ASKING!" The two captives said together. After Tokimi picked herself up from her facefault, stalked toward them, her previous anger nothing compared to this. <> Washuu and Tsunami nodded, "Because?" <> "Uh huh?" >Ryoga:(Ranma) You'll all die! From Akane's cooking. (realises what he said.) What is this fic >doing to us!? Suddenly the goddess collapsed to her knees, crying her little heart out. <> >All:(facefall) And just as suddenly the force around the other two vanished leaving the other two free to move. Tsunami moved to embrace Tokimi, followed closely by Washuu. Tsunami held her close. "Oh...I'm sorry. I never realized..." "Nor did I." Washuu added. <> >Wasabi: We get the point! Tsunami shushed her by placing a finger on Tokimi's lips. "I'm sorry. Here...let us try to make it better." With that, Tsunami kissed Tokimi full on the lips, slipping her tongue inside the other goddess's mouth, while Washuu was busy undoing Tokimi's clothing. >All: ................ >Scimitar: And family values as we know them just went out the window! <> O_o >All: We agree! Out in the corridor Tenchi had finally caught up with Cyraqs who was taking care of the final enemy, and Tokimi's bitch boy, D3. >Ksa: Can't K'tardin stop swearing? >Rei: And end the uber-rant? >Ksa: Ya gotta point. "Smell it! Smell it! Smell it!" he shouted while holding the floating head under his armpit. >All:(facefall) >Scimitar: That, was un-called for Cyraqs! He released D3 after a second, and watched the desiccated head floated for a second, choking incoherently even in obvious death, before a flock of angels took him away, as hell had already been served unto him. "Isn't that technique a bit cruel to use, even on the enemy?" Tenchi asked. >Ryoga: We agree! Cyraqs sniffed his underarms. "Not for another couple of days." Tenchi sweatdropped. >All:(sweatdrops) >Ksa: You mean it could be worse!? "Anyway, we must now be off to the chamber beyond to rescue the fair goddess, to whom the other fair goddess has encaptured!" >Ryoga: So Cyraqs is just Kuno in disguise? "Is that a word?" Tenchi asked deadpan. "Got me, but it sounded cool." >All:(facefall) >Ksa: This fic is torture on my head. With that the two cosmic beings approached the throne room. >Scimitar: Since when was Tenchi a cosmic being? >Ksa: Read Heaven and Earth, you'll see. Cyraqs, for once opting to simply open a door without caving it in, cracked open the door, and peeked in side. He looked. And looked. And looked. And kept on looking. Tenchi shook him a bit. "What's going on? Aren't we going to storm the place and save them?" >Ryoga: Spare yourself the nosebleed, Tenchi. Cyraqs, adopting an unreadable expression to his face, not so different from the usual (except for the twitching left eye), closed the door quietly. He then turned to face his young companion. "They don't need saving." He then pulled a cigarette from nowhere. Lighting it, he began putting up a cloud of smoke that would have put the sixties to shame. "What do you mean, they don't need saving?!" "Oh my...sister," >Scimitar: The family version of Oh my goddess? That sounded like Tsunami. "Cyraqs is out there. So is Tenchi." She sounded like she was purring as a matter of fact. >Scimitar: I don't like where this is going. "One is very good at what he does, and the other is inexperienced, and will be lots of fun to play with. What do you think?" "Oh I agree!" That one sounded like Washuu, right before she was attempting a sample extraction. >Rei: That should be a clue for Tenchi to run. <> That one sounded really excited, and very very sensual for some odd reason. Tenchi surmised that one was probably Tokimi. Of course...that was when his fathers DNA decided to beat him upside the head with a 100lb weight, and after a couple of minutes it finally clicked. "Are they..?" Tenchi began. "Oh Cyraqs," Tsunami called out in singsong. "Bring Tenchi in with you...it's so much fun!" Cyraqs looked at Tenchi intently. "Tenchi..." "Yes?" "RUN!" >Ksa: WIMPS! >Scimitar: 'Cosmic beings' my ass! More like little cowards. >Rei: Well, I guess we can leave. >Kodachi:(from outside) Not yet! >Ksa: Damn, there's more! Bambi Meets KAIN >All: ....................... >Wasabi: I can't believe I'm reading this. >Ksa: How crazy can you get? >Rei: Tenchi on a plate of sashimi? >Ksa: Don't bring that fic up again. ---------------- (with apologies to the guys who wrote Bambi Meets Godzilla) The little fawn frollicked merrily through the forest of Japan. He rolled around in the leaves and scratched his back on a rough barked tree. And finally, he went to the watering hole to get a drink. >Ksa: Brace yourselves! As he bent down to lap up the cool water, a thing like a comet slammed into him and devoured him at incredible speed, leaving nothing in its wake but a cool clear stream, a rough barked tree, and a charred streak of grass. >All: ...................... >Ryoga:(Brock) That, was really disturbing. >Ksa: Guess we should leave... >Kurei:(from outside) SIT! >Scimitar: Damn! Sasami's Lemony Revenge By The Unknown DJ >Ksa: God in heaven... >Rei:(crying) Not another Sasami lemon! *sob* (A group of people, mostly men, enters the small theater and sit down. The lights begin to dim. Two friends talk to each other.) Duder: Hey man, I heard that this a pretty steamy lemon. I heard you see Sasami naked the whole time. >Scimitar:(Duder) Let's leave. Mike: Are you serious? Fully naked? >Ksa:(Duder) Yeah, don't ya just wanna hurl? Duder: Full frontal Nudity! Everything! Mike: All right! >All: .............. >Ksa: That's it, lets go kill em! (The screen turns on and the credits start rolling.) MALICE STUCKANOVICH'S SASAMI'S LEMONY REVENGE STARRING SASAMI JURAI MASAKI Audience: Yeah! All right! >All: She's just a kid, dammit! TENCHI MASAKI (The screen dims and fades into the first scene. Sasami and Tenchi are seen sitting in the living room. Tenchi and Sasami have their backs turned to the screen.) Duder: I bet they're gone do it right here! Mike: Me too, man! >Wasabi: Sickos! Sasami: Ah, Tenchi. It's all drippy and sticky. >All:(trying not to hurl) Tenchi: Well, Sasami, you have to hold it like this. Sasami: It's still dripping everywhere. It won't stop! Tenchi: Well, give it a couple of licks. >Ksa:(to Tenchi) You aren't helping this much! *urp* Sasami: OK. But it is so cold and hard. Mike: No way! Dude, you know what she is gonna do! Duder: All right hardcore action! >Scimitar: What is this, Pedophiles of America meeting!? (Suddenly, Tenchi and Sasami turn around, both holding Popsicle's. >All: Thank you god! Sasami puts her's in her mouth and then pulls it out. The audience boos.) Mike: Ah man! Duder: Totally Lame! >Ksa:(going SSJ/J) They're both gonna die! >Ryoga:(Battle aura swirling) Oh yes! >Scimitar:(Ookami Honou Ken activated) They will pay! (The movie continues until it reaches another "special scene." Shadows can be seen through a white sheet of Sasami and Tenchi. Sasami is lying on her back as Tenchi is on top of her.) >(Ryoga's nose explodes) >Rei: Oh no! >Ksa: Not another scene! Duder: Finally, some action. >All: Freaks! Sasami: Ah, this hard. I can't keep up. Tenchi: Do you want me to slow down? I still have more left in me. >Wasabi: I have entered the 7th circle of Hell, just now. Sasami: No, you're doing fine. In fact, I don't anyone who does it as good as you. Mike: Dude, this is turning me on! >(Rei and Wasabi try to hold Ksa, Scimitar and Ryoga down) Duder: I know, but the sheet is in the way. Mike: It will move soon. Tenchi: Oh god, this is about the best I can do. Sasami: Ohhh, Tenchi… Mike: Yeah! (The sheet is moved and Sasami is seen lying in the front of the room and close to the camera. Tenchi is the background, collapsed on the floor.) Sasami: …I have never seen anyone do 500 push-ups in a row! >All: Ha! >Ryoga: Take that you hentai! Duder: Man, this sucks! I'm leaving! (Suddenly, the lights flash on. Tenchi and Sasami jump out of the movie and a short man in an Oakland A's hat, a San Francisco Giant's jersey, and baggy jeans appears. Everyone in the audience sits perfectly still.) Sasami: (Enraged) What did you say? Duder: Duh! I said this movie sucks and I am going to get a refund. Sasami: Why does this movie suck? Mike: Well, it's a lemon and you're a chick. You haven't even got naked yet! >Ksa: Permission to kill? >Otherworldly voice: Denied. >Ksa: Rats! Sasami: God! What the hell is up with you people? How come every time I show up in a lemon, I am supposed to get naked? Tenchi: I know people think I really am in love with you, or something! I consider you like a sister. Sasami: And I consider you my older brother! I mean that is pretty sick! >All: Preach on sister! Mike: Hey! Who is the midget? (The short man steps forward.) Malice: My name is Malice Stuckanovich, I directed the film. >Wasabi: And you did a wonderful job. Duder: Well, it sucked. I mean it was made for mature audiences. Where's the sex? Malice: There isn't any! (Sasami looks over at Malice.) Sasami: Malice, what is sex? Why do they want to see it? (Malice walks over to the Sasami and whispers into her ear.) Sasami: Oh my god! That f*&%ing bastard! Duder: Hey, it is a lemon! Where's the mature content? (Malice pulls out a Colt .45. He points it Duder and caps him in the head. Duder falls over dead, brains spilling all over his chair.) >All: .................... >Ksa: I officially declare this fic COOL! >Scimitar: Finally, someone kills the hentais! Malice: There's your mature content. Mike: Hey! You shot my friend! All we wanted was to see the chick naked! Sasami: What did you call me? (Sasami grabs Malice's gun and caps Mike in the head. The remaining audience runs out the building.) >All: Go Sasami! Sasami: Jeez! I never thought there were such sick people in the world! I am not even a teenager yet, but people wanna see me naked! Tenchi: I am sorry, Sasami. I hope we get them all. Hey, Malice! Where is our next show? Malice: Hahaha! The Tenchi Muyo Fanfic Archive! I bet we can find some people there! >Ksa: Lets send this fic over to Tank Cop's place. >Others: Hehehehehehehe. Sasami: But, Malice! That is a very respectable place. I mean Gensao is a nice, cool guy. He doesn't do this kind of thing. Malice: I know, but we have to check everywhere! (Malice turns and looks at the reader of this fic.) Malice: I sure hope you're not one of them! ENDZ >All: We aren't! Honest!! So how did you like my first, "lemon" fic? >Ksa: We loved it! I just came to prove that kiddie porn sucks and how tired I am to see Sasami get such bad treatment. I mean she is only a little girl, not a pornstar! >Scimitar: Preach on! Email theunknowndjendz@yahooo.com for anything on my fics and all. Also, I am in my music lab, using my musical talent to do some remixing of Tenchi tracks and other midis. If you would like to acquire them, email. Unless you know a web site that takes these kinds of things. Ciao! The Unknown DJ >All: Bye! >Scimitar: It has to be over now! >Jinnai:(from outside) Not yet! >All: Nut bunnies! This just came into my head a little while ago. Anyone can take it up. I've also taken a liberty... you'll see what. The two teenagers ran through the forest, laughing as they went. The girl was well ahead of the young man, whose hair was pulled back in a rattail. The girl had a long, purple ponytail. >Ksa: Its Noboyuki and Achika! >Wasabi: If this is half as good as TMiL, I'll be happy! Eventually, the girl found a suitable root and fell carefull, rolling as she did, managing to get the young man to fall on top of her, losing his glasses as he did so. For a moment they lay there, out of breath, and they listened to the birds and the wind in the forest. "I love you, Achika." "And I love you, Nobu-chan." >All: Awwwwwww. It wasn't clear who started the kiss, but it was deep, and lasted for several minutes, and broke only for an alarmed yelp by Nobuyuki. "HEY!" "What... don't you like that?" "Well.. it's improper! What if someone were to see us?" It was an indignant hiss, but not an angry one. "Oh, come on..." She started loosening his belt. "You know you want it as much as I do..." >All: ................ >Ksa: The world's gone to hell. >Scimitar: Jeez, how many lemony ones have we done already today? Nobuyuki's resolve was fading. "Please... someone might see..." >Rei: Noboyuki, hentai extreme, against sex in the forrest? >Ksa: Don't ask. "Oh, you're no fun!" Achika broke into a pout, and turned away." "I'm sorry... if we could find somewhere that noone could possibly come..." "Including us?" >All: Achika! "Achika!" >Ksa:(to Noboyuki) Line stealer! "It's all right... I have the perfect place." With a sly grin, Achika reached into her dress- >Ksa:(Mr T) I pity the foo' who pull off her panties! causing Nobuyuki much flustering- and pulled out a large, iron key. "I thought you might say something like that, so I made preparations." "Is that what I think it is?" "Yep. Noone's been down there for seven hundred years!" >Scimitar: Oh no! >Ryoga: Not in Ryoko's cave! She flashed another sly grin. "Let's show them old bones how it's done." ***** >Wasabi: So the password has five letters? Hot. Sweaty. Breathless. >Rei: They're being suffocated? Both teenagers rolled on the floor, hands darting from place to place within their clothing. *Clunk* >Rei:(Marion) I forgot about that. My chastity belt. Its an everlast. >Ksa:(Hurt Robin) No.... Kidding... They stopped as a grating noise suddenly started, stone grinding against stone. They couldn't see anything, and continued as best they could in the gloom. "YAAAAHHHHH!" Both found the passageway that had opened up in the wall. "What is this place?" "This must be the heart of the tomb!" Achika's voice was hoarse with shock. "The demon..." Her voice trailed off as a monstrous, broken shape started to raise out of the well of light in front of them... >Scimitar:(Ryoko) Mind if I join you? >(Ryoga's nose explodes again) >Ryoga:(angry) Can you stop that!? -=-=-=- >Wasabi: Alas, poor Ryo-Ohki. I knew him well, Pikachu. Ryoko walked alongside the lake, slow, deliberate paces. every so often she'd throw a stone into the water and see how much of a splash she could make... frequently massive ones. 'Nearly seven hundred years... I hope that this world has changed a bit from what it was.' She sat down, and flopped back, head on her arms, looking up at the sky. It was, she reflected, just her luck to be awoken by a courting couple. Indeed, the first cute guy and he turns out to be attatched. There would be other fish. Fish... >Ksa: That reminds me. Who's up for some seafood? >Others: We are! What the hell was she thinking of? She ought to wake Ryoohki, before anything else. Where the hell had she left her? Sitting up, she rolled up her sleeves, and strode into the water, looking carefully around for the remains of the ship. ***** "You're WHAT!?" >Rei: Oh c'mon, they only did once, and recently! She can't be pregant yet! "Achika, I hoped it would be a while before I told you this. I am actually the same person who sealed that demon away." >Rei:(looking sheepish) Never mind. Nobuyuki was shocked even more than Achika. Mad, he thought. They're mad. My girlfriend's an alien. Her dad... her dad now looks twenty and has purple hair? >Ksa: He has black hair! Not purple, black, get yer eyes checked!! "Yes, daughter, I am the great samurai Yosho. I sealed her away, and now, due to your... attempted indiscretion- >Scimitar: Oooh boy, she's dead. which we will discuss later- I may have to deal with a terrible threat. I don't feel like trying to defeat that woman again, but I may have to." Achika stayed sitting and silent. She could see that there had to have been a better way of telling her, but this had kinda pushed the issue. Nobuyuki was sitting and shaking. He didn't want to think about what his probable father-in-law would do to him. Transport him to Mars? Yuggoth? Halcedama? >(They all turn to Ryoga) >Ksa: You ever hear of those places? >Ryoga: Dammit! I don't get lost on other worlds! "Did you retrieve the sword?" "What?" "The sword, daughter, the sword. It is the only weapon that can defeat that monstrosity." "Sorry, father. I didn't see it." "Let us go, then." Yosho sighed. Things would never be simple again. Then, things got worse. A massive shadow blotted out the sun over the house. A woman, with long, purple hair strode in the door, flanked by two flying Logs. >Ksa: And life just went to hell. "Greetings. We were in the vicinity, and detected the signature of the dread Pirate Ryoko. I mean no trouble, but I will be here until her..." She trailed off, staring at the group. "Yosho?" Yosho put his head in his hands, as he realised exactly who this was who had arrived. "And it's good to see you, Aeka-chan." And the fates laughed, seeing the tangle of threads in the future. >Ksa: Now can we leave? >(there is no reply. The MSTers head to the door) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Where did they go?" Wasabi looked around the theater lobby. "You want them to come back?" Scimitar half-asked, half-yelled. "Hey there's a note!" Rei waved the piece of paper in the air. "Lemme see that!" Ksa snatched it from her hands. // Dear Ksawarrior, We are unhappy that you survived our selection. But be forewarned. We shall be sending you more fics. Till then, try to stay alive. Kodachi Kuno, Katsuhiko Jinnai, and Kurei.\\ "Well," Ryoga began,"there's a bright side." "Whats that!?" The others yelled. Completly calm, Ryoga said, "We don't have to embarass ourselves looking in lemon archives." The entire group laughed away till the dawn. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Author's notes: I did this special for three reasons. 1) I felt like it. 2) There are too many damn pointless fics. So I MSTed them. 3) This is my tribute to the cast and crew of MST3K. Hope Mike and the Bots continue MSTing, in some form or another. Till next time kiddies, Ja Ne ^_~