Info-mercial By: The Author A Tenchi Muyo FanFic (Dedicated to all the MSTers who had to MST those god-awful lemon fics.) Disclaimer: I do not own the characters Yugi and Kagato they are own by Pioneer LDC and AIC. Kagato is from the O.A.V. 'Tenchi Muyo' and Yugi is from the series 'Tenchi in Tokyo'. The rest of the characters on this fic are mind. WARNING: The fic you are about to read is my first fanfic. This is a pathetic attempt to make a funny fic. Also I wrote this when I was sick with the flu on night I was tired, bored and a little high from the cold so don't be surprised if you find spelling mistakes, grammar errors or it sometimes doesn't make sense so ignore the mistakes if you can and enjoy. * * * * * * * * * * * * Hello, my name is 'The Dude'. I am soon going to start a war against an evil power, a power that all you fanfic writers, readers and MSTers know them as lemon fics. Unfortunately, due to lack of funding, soldiers, weapons and almost just about everything. I am forced to sell a product on this info-merical that well… to tell you the truth shouldn't be on the market just yet. I hope you enjoy it. Screams at the cameraman The Dude: "Well, let's get on with it! We don't want the damn Feds to find us again!" Walks off to the next stage. * * * * * * * * * * * * [The views expressed in this program are not necessary those represented by The Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction Archive (TMFFA) and its Associates.] Info-merical about the De-lemonizer 2000 The Dude walks on another stage. The Dude: "Hello all you people out there in MST land my name is The Dude. Are you currently stuck in some place you don't want to be like (holding his chin up acting like he is thinking real hard) Ummmmm… let me think. MSTing a really bad Lemon fic! A lemon fic that is so bad that you wish you can blow your brains out just to end the torment, the agony, and suffering your enduring right this moment! Well don't worry your little heads no longer I have right here something that is so revolutionary so amazing you probably kill your best friend just to get. (Hell, I would too if I was MSTing a really bad lemon fic too.) This amazing device is called The De-lemonizer 2000. That's right The De-Lemonizer 2000. Thanks to our scientist in Area 51 from the realm what we fanfic writers call 'the real world' has been working very hard 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for the past 18 months trying to find ways to de-lemonize or at least lessen the trauma of reading lemons. Due to a little incident where one of our U.S. senators children read a lemon fic which resulted in permitted brain damage to the child. U.S. scientists were forced. Oops, I mean volunteered to work on the de-lemonization project." [Due to the high classification of the project certain details of the device cannot be revealed as well as the senator and his family identity at this time.] The Dude holds up a pair of sunglasses and say's The Dude: "Well, any way this device looks like nothing more than a pair of sunglasses right. WRONG! This is the De-lemonizer 2000. This device that looks like a pair of sunglasses can very well save your life. Come with me and I'll show you how." Walks off to the next stage. The Dude Pointes to a man in a white coat. The Dude: "Right here we have one of our scientist who helped create the De-lemonizer 2000. Hi, Doctor.*******." [Again, due to the high classification of project De-lemonization the scientist will only be known as 'doctor' as well as distorting his voice and appearance so his life will not be at risk.] The Doctor: "Hello, Mr. Dude" The Dude: "Please call me Dude." The Doctor: "Ok, Dude. Today we have here two volunteers who are as we speak being assign to their rooms and watching one of the most vile, disgusting horrifying fic's that has ever been created. That will make even the evilest demented psychotic serial killer to crawl underneath his bed and cry like a little baby in horror. We'll call these two individuals 'subject A' and 'subject B'." The Dude: "Doctor, can we go see how subject A & B are doing?" The Doctor: "Certainly." The two walk to a room where they see subject A through a see through mirror. The Doctor: "As you can see we are currently at a angel where we are unable to see the fic so we will be all right here." The Dude sign's of relief "That's good to know." The Doctor points to a man who is tied up to a chair with his eyelids taped open and coincidently looks a lot like Kagato? (From Tenchi Muyo O.A.V.) Subject A: "AHH! AHH! AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! DEAR GOD SOME BODY SHOOT ME, ANYONE SHOOT ME! IF ANYONE IS OUT THERE WITH A SHRED OF HUMANITY IN THEM SOMEBODY SHOOT MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!" The Doctor: "As you can see here by his reaction to the fic he is quite displeased." The Dude just nodes his head agreeing with the Doctor. The Doctor: "This is a classic case of what we call 'Lemon Shock'." The Dude: "Lemon shock you say?" The doctor: "Yes, it is similar to 'shell shock' but concentrated million times over." The Dude: "Wow! I sure wouldn't want to experience that." The Doctor: "I must agree, anyone experiencing such a phenomena can result in year of psychiatric attention and the possibility of never recovering again." The Scientist then point to the way to the next room. The two gentlemen see a young blond girl who is sitting on a chair unrestrained watching the same fic who looks a lot like Yugi (From Tenchi in Tokyo.) and she looks like she's enjoying herself. Subject B(As she wipes a tear from her cheek.): "That is so beautiful." The Dude (With a surprised look): "Wow! Doctor she should be shouting her lungs out but she's not. What's going on here?" The Doctor: "You see Dude she is wearing the De-Lemonizers 2000 or DL 2000. So as long she keeps the device on it will distorts the way in which the person view the scene into something he or she rather see depending on the individuals taste in fics. While at the same time forcing the body to produce excessive quantities of endorphins to reduce the amount of stress in the brain that is being caused by the lemon fic. The Dude: "Endor… what?" The Doctor: "Endorphins a anti-stress hormone that relieves pain that produces naturally in the body. Is like your body is making morphine to give you a natural high." The Dude: "Ooohhh, I get it." But clearly he doesn't. The Doctor: "As I was saying, as long as you wear the DL 2000 you won't be like 'subject A' over there." Subjects A Room: Their currently four paramedics at the site two of them are trying to bring Kagato back to life. {Bbbbeeeeeeeeee} Paramedic one: "CLEAR!" Shocks Kagato with those things that make your heart beat again. {Beep…beep…beep…beep} Paramedic two: "I have a heart beat, lets get him out of here ASAP!" While, the other paramedic is trying to revive his partner. It looks like one of the paramedics fainted after watching a scene from the lemon fic. The paramedic who tried to revive his partner turned his head and also saw the scene and he to fainted as well. The Doctor and the Dude are now at the laboratory. Other scientists in the background are working on a bunch of gizmos and other devices. The Dude (whispers to the Doctor): "If Kaga…I mean 'subject A' survives this little ordeal what will happen to him." The Doctor (whispers back): "Don't worry, him and 'subject B' will be taken back stage to erase any memory of what happened to them today." The Dude: "OK." In front of them is a drawing of a human head wearing the DL 2000 with its brain exposed to better illustrate the effectiveness of the device. The Doctor: "Here is a schematic of an individual wearing the De-lemonizer 2000 or DL 2000 for short." The Dude looks at the schematic and he gets a look of confusion. The Doctor: "As you can see… [Transmition disrupted by unknown sources please stand by to reconnect.] Connecting… Connecting… Connecting… Connecting… Connecting… [Transmition has been restored.] The Dude: "Wow! Doctor so that's how the DL 2000 works." The Doctor: "Well not in such detail but you get the general idea." The Dude: "Yes, I do. Thank you Doctor for explaining to me and to the audience how this magnificent device can help our MSTers as well as the readers out there." The Doctor: "Is my pleasure Dude." The both of them do not noticing a red dot that suddenly appeared on the Doctor's forehead. As the Dude turns to address the audience a shot was fired from the balcony, which killed the Doctor instantly. Since a silencer was used nobody heard the shot. Second later two men backs stage both wearing black business suites and dark sunglasses came out. One dragging the body away as the other cleaned the trail of blood with a mop as he looked to make sure no one was watching. The Dude: "Well there you have it my friends like the old saying goes 'straight from the horses mouth'. For only four easy installment payments of $29.99 (That is in U.S. dollars not yen) you'll have this handy dandy device that will quite probably keep your sanity in tack when ever encounter a bad Lemon fic. So how can you not afford to not have it? Also If you're from the realm of Anime and you order this great deal right now, you will also receive a free certificate to get your realm De-lemonized FREE! That's right FREE! So if you ever find yourself in a bad lemon fic call the 1-800 number that will be shown below and dial Ext.# 012 and our people will go to your realm faster than you can say 'De-lemonize' and if they don't De-lemonize your realm in thirty minutes or less the next De-lemonization is FREE!" To Order the DL 2000 (DE-Lemonizer 2000) call 1-800-DE-LEMON Ext. 005 that is 1-800-D-E-L-E-M-O-N Ext. 005. Call now! A narrator (speaking really fast.): "This product can only be purchased in the Anime realm any attempts to order such a product in the real world will result in making you feel like an total ass so don't try it. We hold no responsibility if any attempt is done to order such a product in the real world because you should have known better and if any such device is discovered in the real world the government will deny the existents of any such device." Moments later there was loud bang at the front door. Suddenly a group of U.S. marines stormed the stage One of the stage hands said "oh, f#$k it's the feds!" The Dude stares toward camera two. The Dude: "Order right now the U.S. military already captured one of our hidden factories, order the DL 2000's right now before they are all confiscate remember the number is 1-800-DE-LEMON Ext.005, that's 1-800…" A marine nocks him unconscious with the back of his riffle and says "shut up, assh***!" and turns to the camera "turn off that F***kin' thing off!" he grabs it and suddenly all static. This has been a presentation of the De-Lemonizer 2000. [End Transmition] * * * * * * * * * * * * (Somewhere inside Area 51) The Dude's Comment's: Hi everybody I am currently being detained in some sort of jail cell underneath a base somewhere in Nevada. I am able to write to you guys because I was able to build a laptop using some paper clips I found, duck tape I stole, and other accessories. I knew something was fishy though when some guy called 'Deep Throat' gave me the plans to create the DL 2000. Who knew it was stolen technology, well actually I did know I just didn't know how fast they would catch on. Oh well, at least I'm still alive. If you guys think that this is the end of my revolution against lemon fics well think again. My cellmate and I already developed a plan to get the hell out of here. (A gray looking four-foot alien with a pair of big black oval rounded eyes stood next to the Dude.) So don't worry the revolution will still begin as schedule. (Looks around see if nobody else is watching, fall to his knees and begins to beg.) Please, please, PLLLEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSEEEEE!!! MST this Info-mercial, that's why my master 'The Author', wrote it so you would MST it. If you don't I won't be able to sell my DL 2000 and I'll stay a very, very, poor man and I won't be able to start my revolution. (Gets up with as much dignity as possible.) So as El Padre de la Patria Miguel Hidalgo y Costilla once said "Viva La Revolucion!" * * * * * * * * * * * * The Author's Comment's: So how did you like my first fanfic. Some of you are probably wondering what in the world possessed me to write such a fic. Well to tell you to truth I wrote this so I could have it MSTed and to see what kind of response I will get from the MSTers. I imagine is not going to be very good but heck it gave me something to do. If your wondering who is this Dude he is some character I created he is sort of my nutty persona if you will. Final some last words for all you fanfic writers out there. I have to give you credit to all you fanfic writers out there. It is hard work writing these fics coming up with an idea, trying stick with it, not to go off topic. You guys do good work keep it up and yes I have to say even though I hate to admit even the Lemon author's to even if they do write some very disturbing stuff. Well good by for now >From a fan and now a ammature fanfic writer