THE DISCLAIMER: Known to very _very_ few, I created the Tenchi series. Yes, it was all me. I'm the reason we have the whole mythos and the author chose to write about it. Most people think that just because all the characters are owned and copyrighted by other people, the characters belong to them. Well... wait... hey, they're right! I DIDN'T create any of the series des- cribed in the following MST! Absolutely NONE of the anime belongs to me! This... this is mind-blowing! Holy hamdingers, I could be sued if I said these charcters were mine! And this is anime... Oh God, that means I'll get attacked by super-ultra-powerful corporate ninja lawyers! They'll attack me with blade-rimmed copyright infringements and lock me up in their super hi tech space station and put me under the supervision of ultra-powerful Saya-jin samurai! So, suffice it to say, I own naught. This is nonprofit. I am making no money and am broke. Instead of going out and making money, I wrote this fic. Go figure. -_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- (Sasami Lemon MSTers.) The scene opens in the lounge of the now-dimensionally-fragmented Hamdinger/ Yukinojo. Probably because the lounge, the theater, and the Hamdinger's bridge were the only areas of the ship still accessible without running the risk of falling into another reality. The uninvited guests are sitting on around the TV in the corner, listening to Washu's (KAPPA TIME!!) sorry, Washu-CHAN's report on the state of the ship(s). For you see, the television doubled as the communications system for the lounge, and, right now, Washu-chan was on screen giving her diagnosis. "So," she said. "to sum it up," Oops, I guess I took a little too long explaining the lounge situation! "I'm going to try to put the Hamdinger and the Yukinojo back together in this dimension, but without the databanks from before, I can't retrieve any data about the ship's functions. Cap, if you ca't fix the SAL, It's going to be _really_ tough to get you guys outta this... Cap, what'd ya call this thing again?" "A... T.O.L.P. hole..." Cap replied nervously. "Right". said Washu. "As I said, if Sal stays as messed up as it-" "She." corrected Cap. "Right. If _she_ stays as messed up as she is, Cap, then this is gonna be like yankin' light out of a black hole through a straw. Everybody got that?" Oh, wait. In case you just came in, that pretty much sums it up. Cap Twister, Akane Tendo, Noa Izumi, Kaneda, and Mihoshi Kuramitsu had clearly understood the last bit... well, at least Cap had a pretty good idea. "So..." ventured Cap, "we're lost?" "Not really" replied Washu. "At least I can still talk with you. If I can run a scan on Sal, here, I might be able to figure out a way to put yours and Mihoshi's ships back together." "Okay." everyone replied. Washu shifted her focus away from the group, obviously intent on something else. Something involving her holographic computer and a lot of typing. "Okay." she said. "I can only get a hold of Sal right now" this elicited a sudden wail from Mihoshi, making everyone else flinch. "...but I'll be able to access Yukinojo shortly." and all was right in Mihoshi's mind. A few hours later... "Okay!" Washu cheerily exclaimed, jolting everyone awake. "I think I've found what made Sal all 'kooky'. For some reason, there's something here that shouldn't be." "What screwed up Sal?" Cap asked, almost dreading the answer. "I dunno, yet." Washu answered. "It's a little chunk of data, and... Wow! Hey, Cap?" "Wha?!" "This thing here's a story some guy named Ragun Moody wrote about Tenchi Muyo!" Washu exclaimed, apparently excited. "... how could a fanfic completely blow away Sal?" asked Cap. "You know what this thing is?!" Akane exclaimed. "Well, yeah. Sort of." said Cap. "A lot of guys from my aniverse write stories about their favorite anime. I don't know a lot about it, but I heard that some of it's kind of neat." "So," Noa ventured in. "The thing that screwed up the most powerful AI unit in the whole aniverse... is a story written by someone with a Tenchi Muyo fixation?" "Universe, to be more accurate." said Washu. "The story is called 'Needful Things' and it's the first chapter." "He has enough free time to write more than one chapter?" asked Kaneda. "Apparently." replied Washu. "I can put it up for viewing in the theater, and I want you guys to tell me what you think was in this fic that screwed up Sal." "And, why can't _you_ do this?" Akane inquired. "Because I want to ask our blonde of very little brain exactly _what_ button she pushed!" Washu angrily replied, pointing at Mihoshi, who was presently copping some zs on Cap's shoulder. "Hey, Mihoshi." Cap said. "Wake up." Mihoshi responded by nibbling on Cap's shoulder. Cap bigsweated. "Uh..." "Uh, Cap?" said Noa. "Those fangs look kinda sharp". Cap, too, had noticed this and had stayed stock still. "I got it, Cap." said Washu. "Hey, Mihoshi!" Mihoshi stopped nibbling. "I need help with an experiment, but the monkey's on vacation. Howsabout filling in?" At this, Mihoshi was instantly awake. "REALLY?! Oh BOY! I... what are you doing here, Captain Twister?" Mihoshi asked, putting her finger to her mouth in a most kawaii fashion. "Quick, run into the theater before she figures out that you guys are all from her favorite animes!" "WHAT?!" Mihoshi exclaimed, wheeling around. But, the new crew was in the theater, already. Let the madness begin. -_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- THE HAMDINGER MSTS- EPISODE ONE THE PROBLEM IS A LEMON! WATCH OUT FOR MALLETS! ************************************************************************** (The new MST crew is seated in this order: >From right to left: Kaneda, Akane, Twister, Noa Got it?) The story arc Needful Things and all its sequels belong to a series called The Odd Man Out. KANEDA:(sappy narrator) A story of love, courage... AKANE:(ditto) and caring. TWISTER:(ditto) But, not enough to write a good story. NOA: Oh, don't be mean! He might write something good! TWISTER: Well... All current parts can be found at http://members.tripod.com/ballisticsausage/index.html AKANE: Ballistic _what_?! TWISTER: (TV fundraiser) The proud men and women of the Meat Packer's Union. Fighting for your freedom. Needful Things chapter one: Capitalism in Action. NOA: (US Senator) So, why is it we need a "budget" again? TWISTER: (stock broker) Hey, anyone else hear about this "margin buying" thingie? AKANE: (corporate flunkie) Sir, do you have any woolens that need dry cleaning? KANEDA: (ditto) Shoes that need licking? TWISTER: (my boss) Who says I have to pay you minimum wage? KANEDA: (To Twister) Say, are we getting, you know, compensated for this? TWISTER: Not unless I have a huge money pile I don't know about. A Tenchi Muyo TV series lemon comedy by Ragun P. Moody. AKANE: A _what_? TWISTER: Washu? WASHU: (voice) Okay, a story with the "lemon" heading usually contains scenes of explicit sexual content, and... whoa... Oh my god... Captain Twister? TWISTER: Yes? WASHU: (voice) There are a _lot_ of these things messing up Sal. As a matter of fact, I have some data on a few of them. Not much, though. But from what I can tell, they're very, _very_ bad things! TWISTER: (nervous gulp) Can you fix it? WASHU:(voice) I can install an alert system on the ship and isolate them in the theater, but the fixing stuff is something you have to do. (cheerfully) But, on the plus side, I can gather info on these little dickens that seem to come out of nowhere! I'll be leaving you kids alone for a while. I gotta see what I got on these "lemon"... things. Bye! ALL:........................... IZUMI: Twister? TWISTER: (obviously distressed about the state of the ship) Yes, Noa? NOA: Did Washu say "explicit sexual content"? TWISTER: I think so. NOA: So, the sex and stuff would be between the Tenchi characters, right? TWISTER: (realizing the full implications of what Noa said)... OH NO!! KANEDA: -_^ Nice... AKANE: (glares at Kaneda and readies her mallet) Email the author at kichigai@tds.net with any comments. TWISTER: (my, what an evil grin) All characters and situations copyright their creators, Hiroki Hayashi and Masaki Kajishima, and AiC and Pioneer and are used without permission. AKANE: I'd love to know how he used AIC and Pioneer without their permission. NOA: I think he meant the Tenchi characters. TWISTER: (optimistic) Well, maybe this won't be so bad. Right? AKANE: (to Twister) Get us out of here. This is a nonprofit work only. KANEDA: Hey, didn't you say the same thing in your disclaimer? (Are you talking to me?) KANEDA: Yeah. (Hey, I think I did. Disclaimers are funny that way. ^_^) (Sounds of shattering glass) WASHU: (voice) Okay, you guys. Now, I'm _trying_ to find more on lemons. I can't do that and patch up the fourth wall at the same time! NOA: Captain Twister broke it again?! TWISTER: (blinks) What, what did I do? WASHU: (voice) No, this time it was Kaneda. Apparently, the T.O.L.P. device isn't the onlt thing that can break it. I'll patch it up as best I can, but it looks like it's more fragile than we thought, Cap. TWISTER: ...'kay. AKANE: (To Twister) What... have... you... DONE?! TWISTER: (on the verge of wailing) I don't knooooww! *ding-dong* ALL: (singing) The witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch! "Ryoko, could you get that?" Sasami called from the kitchen. TWISTER: (Sasami) My leg iron doesn't go that far. NOA: Twister, why'd you say that? TWISTER: Because it seems as though she's chained to the stove or something. *ding-dong* ALL: (singing) The wicked witch is deeeaaadd! "Ryoko?" she called again. AKANE: (Sasami) The spam won't wait for me! KANEDA: *like you're one to talk* *ding-dong* TWISTER: (singing) The joke is dead! Sorry, folks, we killed the joke. (*KA-BOOM!*) ALL INCLUDING WASHU: Twister! TWISTER: (flinches) Sorry... "I'll get it Sasami," Ayeka replied, walking towards the door. NOA: So, was she already walking toward the door? AKANE: (sarcastic) Maybe she was already _opening_ it too! TWISTER: As far as I can remember, that's okay. "Thanks!" Ayeka smiled her best welcoming smile, composing herself before opening the door. KANEDA: (neurotic Ayeka) Okay... it's a door. All I have to do is open it, and I'm done... I can do this... TWISTER: (ditto) LOOK OUT WORLD!! EVERYONE ELSE: (flinch and cover ears) One hail of gunfire later, her lifeless body slumped to the floor, NOA: (blinks) Whoa, the mailman finally snapped... or so Ryoko imagined it, having just phased in through the ceiling on the way to answer the door herself. She mentally shook herself and made a silent vow to cut back on the American TV shows. TWISTER: (sarcastic laugh) Oh, ha ha, that's right. Ragun Moody humor. AKANE: (patronizing) Raaaguun... "Hello," Ayeka greeted warmly, bowing politely to the old woman on the other side. "This is the Masaki residence, and I am Ayeka Masaki." KANEDA: (looks worried) Guys? AKANE AND NOA: We're not guys! TWISTER: Yeah? KANEDA: (points to old lady) You don't think she's the... EVERYONE ELSE: The what? KANEDA: The sex object, do you? NOA: No. No, no, NO! TWISTER: (audible gulp) AKANE: Who would _write_ something like this?! (thinks) Except, maybe Happosai. "Why hello there," she replied, bowing deeply in return. "My name is Hisako Ikeuchi. I'm sorry to trouble you, but thanks to a recent purchase you or someone you know made, my company has been made aware that at least one of the members of this household may be interested in 'feminine accessories'." AKANE: (Mrs. Ikeuchi) How is that nice young man? EVERYONE ELSE: *snicker* She smiled broadly, deep lines criss-crossing her face until it was hard to tell the eyes and mouth from any of the other few hundred age lines. KANEDA: She reminds me of someone... but it's hard to remember... She was very well dressed, wearing an older styled but still fashionable kimono and toting a small sack in one hand. TWISTER: So, she's a tax agent going to a tea ceremony? NOA: No, I think she's just selling "feminine accesories". AKANE: *hmph* (A door to door salesman?) Ayeka wondered. (They're usually scared off by Azaka and Kamidaki...) KANEDA: But, their union went on strike. NOA: (Azaka) Maybe if we hit them with a few ballistic sausages they'll let us have feet. The same thought crossed through Ryoko's mind as well, but unlike Ayeka she spared the pleasantries. "Yeah, whatever," she said dismissively, dropping down slowly from the ceiling to better add to the effect. "Whatever it is, we don't want any." TWISTER: Ah, that never works. AKANE: Why not? TWISTER: Some guy came to my door once. Said something about a warranty. I told him I already had one, but he insisted on looking around my lab. This ever happen to you guys? EVERYONE ELSE: -_-; Ayeka immediately rounded on her. "Ryoko! How rude! I realize that you are uncivilized and uncouth, but there's no need to be insulting!" She glared at her nemesis, who glared right back. NOA: (Ryoko) Yeah? I realize you're unknowledgeable and- KANEDA: (ditto) unsatisfying- EVERYONE ELSE EX TWISTER: Kaneda! TWISTER: (Ryoko) But there's no reason to be intuitive... wait a sec... Blinking twice in astonishment, the old woman recovered with amazing speed. "Oh, that's quite alright. I've been subjected to far worse receptions than that. However, I urge you to at least consider what I'm offering here." AKANE: Free samples from the porno lady? KANEDA: Cooooll... NOA: Hentai! Both of them immediately turned to her. "And just what is it you're peddling, old woman?" Ryoko asked in a tone that implied it had better be a good answer. NOA: Ryoko used the words "peddling" and "old woman"? KANEDA: Well, it's a dub. What do you expect? TWISTER: Some dubs are okay. KANEDA: Like what? TWISTER: Like "Secret Plot" or "Bondage Queen Kate" or... NOA: HENTAI! TWISTER: (blushes and sinks into his seat) AKANE: (desperate Mrs. Ikeuchi) But, I'm the happy porno lady! She smiled again, this time the widest yet. KANEDA: Grink! "You two are such pretty young women, yet here you are far out in the countryside. Tell me, do you get out much?" TWISTER: (Ryoko) Only if we can bring the TV. Ayeka clasped her hands in front of her and looked pensive, while Ryoko sighed slightly. "No, not really," they both replied sadly. NOA: (Ayeka) The world hates me. TWISTER: Hey, I don't hate her! AKANE: (mutter) *Of course you don't*. TWISTER: Hey, those comics are funny! AKANE AND NOA: Sure. She nodded as if she'd been expecting that answer. "I thought not. This is indeed far from the city, and while I'm sure you get to go to town sometimes, it's simply too inconvenient to make the trip often. It is for that very reason that many of my best customers live this far out. Tell me another thing, girls, do you occasionally... get lonely?" TWISTER: There should be a period after either "thing" or "girls". KANEDA: I don't like the way she said that. AKANE: Kaneda? KANEDA: Yeah? AKANE: Don't remind us of the "lemon" attachment or I'll kill you. KANEDA: (sulks) Bite me. AKANE: (mallets Kaneda) *WHAM* They turned and looked at each other, then laughed. NOA: (Ryoko) Heh heh... Old people're funny. "Mrs. Ikeuchi, loneliness is the last thing we have to worry about," Ayeka replied. TWISTER: ^_- (This face usually means a double entendre. Usually hentai.) NOA: Twister! TWISTER: Sorry. She smiled knowingly. "I see, what is his name?" They both sighed melodramatically. NOA: (airy) Nobuyuki... "Tenchi..." they chorused. TWISTER: Handel it ain't. "Oooh, he must be quite a boy to have two girls at once!" KANEDA AND TWISTER: ^_- AKANE: (groans) Oh no... They both backed away and glared at each other. TWISTER: Do you feel that? That's electricity in the air! "No way would I share Tenchi with little miss princess!" Ryoko denied. "Yes, I'm afraid you misunderstood us. Neither of us is dating Tenchi at the moment. There are... other considerations." Ayeka turned back to their guest. Something struck her. NOA: (Ayeka) That was uncalled for, Miss Ryoko! "Oh! Excuse me, where are my manners! TWISTER: (points to exclamation mark) Aha! A grammar mistake! NOA: You're going to nitpick about this all the time, aren't you? TWISTER: Yeah, It's just something I feel I have to do. That should read: "Oh, excuse me! Where are my manners?" Would you like to come in and have some tea, Mrs. Ikeuchi?" "Yes, please. I'd like that." Inwardly she exulted. (Sold!) TWISTER: Oh, this is different. AKANE: What? TWISTER: A hentai who uses a thesaurus. NOA: Compared to what? TWISTER: Nice try. ^_^ AKANE: (rolls eyes) Ayeka escorted her into the living room and called to her sister. AKANE: (Ayeka) Sasami, the stock character's here! "Sasami, could you please bring us some tea? We have a visitor." "A visitor?" came Sasami's reply. "I'll be there soon!" ALL: (make sounds of heavy chains dragging on the floor) "Back to this young fellow you both are interested in, does he live close?" asked the old woman, graciously taking the seat Ayeka offered her. "Actually, he lives here. We're just staying with him," Ryoko replied from her seat opposite Ayeka's. She raised one eyebrow. "I see. And these other considerations." NOA: (To Twister) There should be a question mark there, right? TWISTER: (looks at sentence) Well, I'll be. I missed that one. Thanks, Noa. NOA: ^_^ "Ayeka and the others won't leave us alone so we can be together," Ryoko replied again, sticking out her tongue at Ayeka. NOA: (Shampoo) Purple lady get raspberry of death! AKANE: Heh. "Leave you two alone?! Hardly! It is you who will not let Tenchi and I be together, as we were clearly meant to be!" AKANE: (Ayeka) Mojo JOJO! EVERYONE ELSE: (Chuckle) Mrs. Ikeuchi chuckled, even as she shook her head mentally. (They really do get strange, this far from the city...) Out loud she said, "I see. I take it things get lively around here." KANEDA: Well, considering Tenchi's out in the fields all day and Ryoko's kinda raunchy... TWISTER: (To Kaneda) I think not! They nodded. "I see what you mean by not being lonely. Are there many others that live here as well?" AKANE: Why would she ask that? NOA: (squints at screen) And why does she have a tape recorder in her pocket? "Tenchi, his father and grandfather, my sister Sasami and I, and then there's this bum..." TWISTER: Why would she tell this to a total stranger? NOA: And, wouldn't she notice the weird hair? TWISTER: Nah, this is anime. Weird hair's on everyone. Like Akane. AKANE: (growls) KANEDA: (Ryoko as Rocky) Hey, yuh know, mebbe youse is duh bum! Ryoko glared at the princess. "You forgot Kiyone and Mihoshi," she pointed out. "Yes, but they don't actually live here," Ayeka reminded her, looking up as Sasami entered the room carrying a tea tray. "Might as well, Ryoko grumbled. AKANE: Might as well... what? KANEDA: (To Akane) Have some tea. NOA: (ditto) Don't make this any more confusing than it has to be. "Ooh, thank you child." Mrs. Ikeuchi leaned forward to help with the tea, a very informal gesture that neither Ryoko or Ayeka noticed. KANEDA: Thanks to Ragun Moody for pointing that out. TWISTER: I love how he includes all the little details that don't lead anywhere. NOA: Wait'll we get to the lemon. AKANE: Oh no... After they'd all accepted a cup, Mrs. Ikeuchi resumed talking. "Well, I'm glad to hear that you don't get bored often. However, that's not exactly what I was talking about. I mean, do you ever, you know, get _lonely_?" AKANE: I think she's implying something. NOA: (Ayeka) Quit nudging me. She glanced at Sasami, then back at the other two. Seeing the looks of incomprehension on their faces, she continued. "You know, sometimes the bed just feels a bit too large for just one?" TWISTER: Confucius saayyy.. KANEDA: (sarcastic) Now, I'm sure she's implying something... "Lonely? I get lonely sometimes, but I've got Ryo-Ohki to keep me company, and then there's everyone else that comes through..." ALL: 0_0;; TWISTER: I don't like that double entendre! Sasami replied thoughtfully. "But I like my bed." NOA: Except that you sleep in a futon. Finally getting it, Ayeka laughed nervously. "Umm, Sasami, this is a little too adult for you, thank you for the tea, but could you please let us be for now?" TWISTER: There SHOULD be a period after "too adult for you"! AKANE: Why are you paying this much attention?! TWISTER: (flushes red) Because... I just am! Sasami sighed. "I know, I know, I never get to hear the good stuff..." She walked away dejectedly. KANEDA: (Mrs. Ikeuchi) Don't worry dearie, I'm taping the whole thing. ALL THE REST EX TWISTER: Kaneda! TWISTER: And she knows about the "good stuff"... how? NOA: I dunno. Maybe there's a prequel. Ryoko angrily turned to Ayeka. "That was pretty mean, telling her to leave like that." AKANE: (Ryoko) We could've scarred her for life and ruined her childlike innocence, but you had to be a caring sister looking out for her well-being! (thinks about what she just said) Why did I just sound like Nodoka? "Oh, but necessary, I'm afraid," Mrs. Ikeuchi interrupted. She reached in her little bag and pulled out two glossy magazines with the logo 'Secret Pleasures' on them and handed them to her hosts. AKANE: Original title for a lingerie catalog, innit? They both accepted them wordlessly and thumbed through briefly. "Oh..." Ayeka said, amazed. "My..." Ryoko finished, one eyebrow raised to its furthest physical limits. (Hey, I work out there!) The old woman nodded. "I get that reaction a lot. See anything you like, Dear? I'm afraid I can't guarantee satisfaction, most of our customers just scream 'More!' and 'MORE!'" AKANE: (Mrs. Ikeuchi) MO-*hackcoughcoughcough*!! TWISTER: Period after "satisfaction"! NOA: If not before. (All look at her strangely) What? Ryoko nodded enthusiastically and thumbed madly through an entire section devoted to crotchless lingerie and bikinis guaranteed to 'Light the fires of your lover's passion.' NOA: (deadpan) What an arousing metaphor. KANEDA: (To Noa) Not enjoying the fic? NOA: I don't enjoy stuff like this. Ayeka involuntarily flipped a few more pages, then moved to hand the magazine back. "I'm sorry, but I don't think we need such objects of base perversion in this..." she trailed off, looking at Ryoko. "I don't think _I_ would need such objects of base perversion." KANEDA: (makes his finger like a gun and points it at Ryoko on screen) Boom! Ryoko looked up at her and stuck out her tongue. KANEDA: Maybe Ryoko's... suggesting something... NOA: Kaneda! TWISTER: Maybe the author's trying to make a "family fun" lemon. (Ominous air pervades the theater) Hey, are you guys a little cold? "You're just jealous because I'd look better in these than you would," she replied, holding up the magazine. The 'these' in question being two sequins and a cork short of a rather modest one piece. AKANE: (sarcastic) Ha ha... alcoholic humour. KANEDA: It's the new Captain Morgan Collection! Ayeka struggled to ignore Ryoko's antics. "Unlike Ryoko, some of us don't care to dress up as the town slut and sleep with every man, woman, and toaster oven that crosses our path-" IZUMI: (To Twister) Oh, PUT THAT AWAY!! TWISTER: (puts furry, pink toaster away, but looks mildly amused at the reaction) I really don't know why I invented this. The old woman frowned and cut Ayeka off mid-sentence. "Oh, come off it, Dear, we're all women here. Sometimes a girl needs a little something special to revive a marriage, or comfort herself in loneliness, or maybe, dare I say it..." She paused, waiting for their full attention. KANEDA: Well? ALL: (impatient) Well?! NOA: Boy, this is pointless. ALL: SAY IT!! "Yes?" they both asked, leaning forward. ALL: (lean forward and hold their breath) *HUUFF* (Told ya.) "Something to help bag that perfect man..." ALL: Oh. **************** TWISTER: Why did someone give the setup so many stars? EVERYONE ELSE: *groan* "You couldn't get her to come out?" Kiyone asked, eyeing the door to Washu's lab. "I'm sure she'd find all this... Interesting." KANEDA: Being the hentai she is and all... WASHU (voice) I'm still watching this, you know. ALL: (look around trying to figure out how) "Nah," Ryoko replied. "Sasami tried before her and Tenchi left. If she wants to stay locked up in there, that's fine with me." AKANE: (Washu) Hey guys, why is the door locked? "I brought rice cakes and pocky!" Mihoshi announced, carrying a tray loaded with snacks into the living room. TWISTER: (to Akane) Akane, what is pocky? AKANE: I'm not sure, but I can look it up. TWISTER: Hey, that sounds pretty good. ^_^ (VERY cold air runs through the theater) Boy, it's cold. "And I brought tea and drinks," Ayeka seconded, also carrying supplies into the living room. NOA: Supplies, huh? KANEDA: (Ayeka) Rechargeable batteries, bottled water, generator, shotgun, canned food... yep, we're ready for Y2K. NOA: Or the second coming of Akira, right? KANEDA: (sarcastic) Too #$%@#$ funny, Noa! AKANE: (*WHAM*) Language, Kaneda! "You didn't get the sake," Ryoko replied. "I did." TWISTER: (patronizing Ayeka) Of _course_ you did, Ryoko. ^_^ Ayeka sniffed. "And I'm sure our guests will appreciate it. After all, almost _everyone_ except _me_ starts drinking right after lunchtime..." ALL: Huh? AKANE: Well, now we know what a liquor fiend Sasami is. NOA: (Sasami with British accent) Twelve o'clock... ALL: Sake time! Kiyone looked around the room, checking to make sure everything was in place. Flower arrangements, seats, glasses, napkins... TWISTER: What about food? AKANE: (Kiyone) I _knew_ it needed something! The 'party', explained to her by Ayeka and Ryoko, was nearly ready. She reached in her pocket and pulled out one of the large, glossy business cards that had been left. Starting on the front and flipping over to the back, it read, 'Secret Pleasures, adult gifts, toys, and more. Don't be embarrassed in a store, give our catalog a try. Afraid of what the mailman will think? (Or want to keep it a surprise from him.) Ask about our traveling inventory! We bring the store to you!' There was also a phone number and a fax number. NOA: That _is_ a big business card! KANEDA: Maybe it's one of those cards that turns into a facecloth when you put it in water, or something. TWISTER: Neat! As the old woman had put it, she didn't actually carry around any merchandise. Instead, she would visit an area and talk to the people, carefully feeling out her reception. TWISTER: ^_- AKANE AND NOA: Twister! KANEDA: Well, don't forget. She's the _happy_ porno lady. ALL THE REST: *groan* Then she would help organize a party for the local women, whereupon she would bring a large selection from her catalogs and show it off to the women assembled. NOA: Now, I'm not a bank manager or anything, but wouldn't that be expensive on a door-to-door porno lady's salary? TWISTER: Not if she sells dom outfits. AKANE: How do you know?! TWISTER: I've read stories like this. Some of them have tidbits of info like that. (notices everyone else is giving him odd looks) What? When informed that two more girls were all they knew to invite, she had tsked and asked if she could bring several more. KANEDA: Why did she "tsk"? AKANE: (Mrs. Ikeuchi) Only two? I _TSK_ at you! TWISTER: How you can type a "t" instead of an "a" is what I wanna know. *ding-dong* TWISTER: The light, fluffy, pastry treat! "I'll get it," Ayeka called. "That must be them." The other three gathered in the living room to wait for her return, Ryoko mostly indifferent but curious, Mihoshi just curious, and Kiyone trying to shake off a bad feeling. AKANE: Kiyone's always right, kids. Ayeka returned with five women in tow, Mrs. Ikeuchi right behind her and the others trailing along. ALL: (Hum "Happy Trails") "Hello," the three in the living room chorused and bowed. The others responded in kind. TWISTER: I'm amazed at Ragun Moody's ability to make it sound like a symphony orchestra and a military counteroffensive at the same time. AKANE: Prereading by John Williams and George S. Patton. Mrs. Ikeuchi stepped forward, drawing attention. "Ladies, my name is Hisako Ikeuchi, and this is Miyo Okawa," she said, indicating a pleasant looking woman in her forties, TWISTER: Nodoka?! AKANE: (mallets Twister) *WHAM* HELL NO! "Mariko Kibogame," a younger woman in her late twenties or early thirties, NOA: According to her, she's a lot younger, though. "And Ayame Sekuchi and Reiko Yamoto," the last a pair of young college women who stood rather prominently together. TWISTER AND KANEDA: (stare at the aforementioned duo for a second)....... KANEDA: Oh my god... AKANE AND NOA: Oh _NO_!! Ayeka smiled and started listing names. "I am Ayeka Masaki, and I'll be your hostess. This is Mihoshi, Kiyone, and Mrs. Ikeuchi has already met Ryoko." KANEDA: (Kiyone) Sorry, we don't have last names like earth people do. AKANE: (ditto) To pronouce mine correctly, we'd have to... pull out your tongue. Several eyebrows raised at the lack of last names, but everyone smiled awkwardly. It was a very specific kind of awkwardness, akin to the feeling of unease everyone shares just before an orgy, but with considerably more embarrassment and less heavy breathing. ALL: -_-; AKANE: I hate this fic. I really do. NOA: (deadpan) Ragun Moody. Master of subtle foreshadowing. TWISTER AND KANEDA: (get the kind of grins on their faces that any male would get after reading that last simile. More specifically: ^_^) "Well, before we get started," began Mrs. Ikeuchi, "could we all go out to my van and get the boxes? I'm afraid they were a little awkward to bring in when we first got here." TWISTER: (Mrs. Ikeuchi as Mary Poppins) But, now that we're all here, we can make it a game. AKANE: (deadpan) Go team. TWISTER: (To Noa) Not enjoying the fic? NOA: (grumpy) Are you? TWISTER: Yes. NOA: Hentai. Everyone nodded and trooped out silently to help her carry them in. AKANE: (Drill Seargent) Huh hoo heh hah! After everything had been brought in and everyone had sat down and had a cup of tea, Mrs. Ikeuchi hastened to bring the oppressive nervousness to an end. NOA: (Mrs. Ikeuchi as Karl Marx) Allay your fears, comrades! (Some people,) she thought, (just don't know how to be themselves.) KANEDA: I think there's a moral somewhere in that last line. AKANE: How nice. Ragun Moody, an ethical hentai. TWISTER: People say the same about me. AKANE AND NOA: *groan* Having conveniently seated herself near one large box, she set her tea down and opened it. It was stuffed with lace, and every color of the rainbow was represented. KANEDA: Hey, it's the Lucky Charms Collection! ALL: They're magically delicious! (Heh heh ^_-) "Ah, here's a cute little number," NOA: It's a six. AKANE: Actually, it looks even smaller. she said, unfolding one to show the others. It was a fetching shade of green, long silk stockings and garters topped by a voluminous teddy with built in support. KANEDA: I'm starting to think the author's, like, anal retentive about this kind of stuff. AKANE: Ragun Moody. The knowledgeable hentai. NOA: (To Akane) Sarcastic? AKANE: Yes! They all admired it thoughtfully, but no one spoke up and she laid it aside. "How about a nice schoolgirl uniform? Some men really go for this kind of thing, and you can regain your lost youth!" she announced, pulling out a fairly nondescript blue skirt and blouse, although on closer inspection the skirt was just a _little_ shorter than regulation. TWISTER: Boy, anime cliches turn me on. Especially when they date back to Overfiend. THE GIRLS: (look a little green) It, too, was met with indifference. Although several of the girls looked almost interested, especially the thirty- something year old, none of them were willing to air that kind of personal detail. ALL: (look at last paragraph)..........What? Maybe they were just too uncomfortable with getting their private life out in the open. Kamisama knew it wouldn't be the first time. ALMIGHTY: Well, he's right about that, at least. ALL: (big sweat. Looks something like this: 0_0;;) She tried again. "Maybe a flashier version with matching boots and heart wand? You know he'll like it if you've ever caught him watching magical girl anime!" ALL: NO!! NOA: (To Twister) He wouldn't make Sasami do this, would he?! TWISTER: (very naively) Now Noa, I don't think that _any_ of these writers are hentai to that degree. You don't have to worry about _any_ Sasami lemons. They do not exist. ^_^ (shivers) There's that chill again... No sale. KANEDA: (Mrs. Ikeuchi) Crap. Shrugging, she set that aside and dug through another box, finally pulling out a complicated system of leather straps attached to a large rubber ball. "Eh?" she inquired, holding it up for them to see. "Makes the perfect gag gift!" TWISTER: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!! ALl THE REST: Don't tell us!!! A few people stirred uncomfortably. TWISTER: I don't want to know what that thing is. I don't want to know. I do NOT want to know! NOA: (thoughtful) I wonder what that thing could be used for... TWISTER: I don't want to know! And thus it went, with more and more outfits being shown, ranging from an completely authentic geisha outfit, complete with hair ornaments and makeup, AKANE: (Mrs. Ikeuchi) Wait a minute... this is my dry cleaning. to a rather inventive take on what the American girls were supposed to be wearing. KANEDA: (To Twister) So, American girls wear leather boots, miniskirts, too-small halter tops, lots of cheap jewelry and no bra? TWISTER: As soon as they turn 14, anyway. AKANE: Hentai. TWISTER: -_- Alas, it was not to be. TWISTER: Ah, but t'was AKANE: T'is. NOA: T'will always be. KANEDA: (British accent) Quite right, quite right... Mrs. Ikeuchi began wondering if she may have been wasting her time. NOA: (Mrs. Ikeuchi) When did I start collecting these, anyway? Ryoko, having gotten somewhat bored, grabbed a bottle of sake and waved it in the direction of the other women invitingly. Much to her surprise, the older woman, Miyo Okawa, she managed to remember, grinned in relief and nodded enthusiastically. Ryoko took a little extra time to make sure Ayeka noticed, then poured herself and the other woman a cup of sake. Technically, it should have been warm, but Ryoko didn't care and neither did Miyo. AKANE: The author has established that Ryoko offered a drink to Miss Okawa and that neither of them cared is was cold. ALL THE REST: Really? Several cups later, both of them had a faint blush. KANEDA: So, time just stopped while they drank sake? Mrs. Ikeuchi was getting a bit discouraged, as no one had seemed in the least inclined to buy anything. In fact, one of her prospective customers had already nodded off to sleep! TWISTER: (Nudging Noa) Hey. Noa. Wake up. NOA: (continues to snore, but punches Twister in the face) *POW* TWISTER: (decides it's best not to try and wake her up) She sighed, then put down the fishnet stockings she'd been boring people with. AKANE: (Mrs. Ikeuchi) Well, time to try the Lucky Charms. "Listen, everyone. I know I've been boring you, because I'm so enthusiastic about my merchandise I just can't stop talking about it. TWISTER: Whoa, sentence fragment! NOA: (seems to be fully awake) Nitpicker. TWISTER: What's a "nit"? But I'm so confident in the goods contained in these boxes that I'm going to be quiet and let my wares do the talking. Have at it girls, if you've any questions don't hesitate to ask." TWISTER: Sentence fragment! AKANE: We know. Be quiet. "Mrs. Ikeuchi, what do you mean?" Ayeka asked, puzzled. "I mean for you to open the boxes and go through them yourself," she replied, opening up another in demonstration. KANEDA: (reads the last line) Heh heh... OTHERS: What? KANEDA: "Box". ^_- TWISTER: (thinks)... (thinks more)... Oh, I get it! AKANE: (warningly) Okay... there will be no ^_-s for the remainder of the fic, or (sorry, transmission got somewhat garbled here... okay, here we go!) Got it? (Sorry.) TWISTER AND KANEDA: O_O;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; She reached inside and withdrew a large leather whip, then cracked it over everyone's head, startling Mihoshi awake. "Well?" she asked. "What are you waiting for?" ALL: The lemon scene. NOA: (thinks) I can't believe I just said that! They needed no further prompting. Ryoko and Mrs. Okawa, each a little tipsy, gleefully ripped into a box. KANEDA: *snicker* NOA: :(angrily) Kanedaaaa... Ayeka's eyes lit up at the sight of the whip, and she went straight for the box Mrs. Ikeuchi had opened. TWISTER: (barely contains his laughter) AKANE: (warningly) Hentai... The others were a bit more reserved in their explorations. Mihoshi leaned near Kiyone. "Huh? What's going on?" she asked. KANEDA: (Kiyone) We're opening each other's boxes. TWISTER: Mihoshi isn't like that! AKANE AND NOA: Hentais! "If you hadn't fell asleep, you might have known," she hissed. "We're to look through the boxes on our own." KANEDA: (Kiyone) The master wishes it. AKANE: I love dubs. NOA: The Tenchi dubs were good. TWISTER: But, then again, this isn't exactly Tenchi. "Oh! I see," Mihoshi nodded happily, brightening. "It's sort of like a treasure hunt!" AKANE: (sarcastic) Brilliant, Mihoshi! TWISTER: Hey! Leave her alone! She's smarter than that! KANEDA: Why? TWISTER: (honest) Washu said she needed her for her experiments, didn't she? ALL THE REST: -_-; TWISTER: (blinks) What? Kiyone shrugged and handed her a rather thin box. KANEDA: DAMN, this fic is funny! AKANE: (To Kaneda) One more word. Come on. Let's see a ^_-. "Here, hunt away." After handing it to her partner, she moved farther down the couch to be closer to the other women. KANEDA: Heh heh... AKANE: Hentai! TWISTER: I know for a fact that Kiyone isn't like that! "Books, bleah, why would I want a book?" Ryoko grumbled, trying to make sense of the cover. TWISTER: And the sentence fragment. Miyo carefully examined the back, then reached out and took it from Ryoko, turned it over, and handed it back. TWISTER: (smugly to Akane) Huh? Huh? ^_^ AKANE: *growl* Ryoko scratched her head, then read the cover aloud. "Secrets of Seduction, volume one. What that idiot is thinking, and why he is so difficult to attract. A beginner's guide to finding a man." TWISTER AND KANEDA: (raise their hands) Right here. NOA: (Ryoko) Oh, my mistake. A _good_ man. ^_^ TWISTER AND KANEDA: -_-' -_-' She raised an eyebrow and turned it over to read the back. "Oh, wow, it's written in short words and it even has diagrams!" She put the book to one side. AKANE: (Ryoko) And it fits right under my glass too! Miyo's box, on the other hand, contained edible body oils and lubricants. TWISTER: ^_- AKANE: HENTAI! (mallets Twister) *WHAM* KANEDA:................................ Finding little of interest other than a rather phallic shaped bottle for citrus scented cream, she divided her attention between the bottle and the contents of other peoples boxes. KANEDA: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! AKANE: (grips her mallet tightly) *grrr...* Mihoshi carefully opened the tabs holding her box closed and looked inside. "Kiyone?" she asked, pulling out a smaller box. "What's a 'Pleasureslave 2000'?" TWISTER: It's a manga. I think. NOA: (Kiyone) It's a cliched dildo name. Kiyone reflexively glanced at the box, then blushed. "Mihoshi, that's a fake penis," she hissed, trying to avoid drawing attention. KANEDA: (takes a look at that last paragraph.) Heh. Mihoshi's box and a fake penis... AKANE AND NOA: SICK!! Mrs. Ikeuchi, however, could hear a potential sale across a crowded store. She spoke up indignantly. "That's hardly _just_ a fake penis! Nine out of ten women rated that better than the real thing, and the tenth was a virgin!" NOA: (cocks head in a kawaii way) Why would they ask a virgin? AKANE: (Mrs. Ikeuchi) Just cornering the market, dearie. Kiyone, faced with several raised eyebrows, spluttered something and lapsed into silence. NOA: (mechanic) Hmmm... this one needs a major lube job. ALL THE REST: (look at her strangely) NOA: What? Mihoshi turned the box around, looking at it from all sides. It didn't display a picture. TWISTER: (stands up) She knows what a penis looks like!! AKANE: Sit down! KANEDA: How do you know it looks like a penis? TWISTER: (shifts a little) For some reason, it's drafty in here... "It has triple lightweight rotary heads," Mrs. Ikeuchi began, eyes losing focus as she tried to remember the details. "drawing only two watts of power per motor. The nickel-cadmium batteries recharge in less than an hour and will last more than long enough for each session. The heads have special slots for long hair and little holes for short stubble-" ALL: _WHAT_?! O_O She stopped, her hand over her mouth. "Oops, that was the specifications for my husband's electric shaver I bought him last week. I'm sorry. As you get older you memory starts to go, you know." ALL: o_O; Mihoshi looked at her in complete confusion. "Anyway," she began again, trying to regain her composure. "The Pleasureslave 2000 XLW does have long lasting, rechargeable Ni-cad batteries included, a twin motor design that allows both twisting and vibrating motion, and special expansion rings along its side that stimulate real coitus. It represents the culmination of modern sexual science. It was even endorsed by that man among men, John Holmes." AKANE: (nervously) Why would a man endorse a vibrator? TWISTER: I do NOT want to know! NOA: Why would the author seem to know so much about them? TWISTER: (clutching head) I don't want to know!!! "Wow! I bet this would feel much better than those cucumbers you always use, Kiyone!" Mihoshi exclaimed. NOA: But, she doesn't! AKANE: How would you know, Noa? NOA: I watched the series. (All are looking at her with suspicion) What? One of the two college girls looked at her and raised an eyebrow. KANEDA: Like this? ^_- AKANE: Stop that, you hentai! Kiyone blushed bright red and attempted to fade into the background, amid the occasional snicker. TWISTER: Snickers are usually a bad place to hide in. ALL THE REST: *groan* Mrs. Ikeuchi leaned over and patted her leg. "That's okay, Dear, that's why I'm here." TWISTER:(a little green, but) ^_- AKANE: GOTCHA! *WHAM* "Just how much does that thing cost?" Kiyone asked accusingly, trying to shift focus away from herself. Mrs. Ikeuchi shook her head. "Ask me later, Dear. It's not polite to discuss money in the middle of inventory." NOA: Thank you, Nabiki. AKANE: Actually, she says that sometimes. (thinks) This fic is freaking me out! Having already leafed through several h-manga, most of which Nobuyuki already had, and glanced at the several Kama Sutra translations available, Ryoko decided it was time to annoy the princess, who, despite her protestations that she was only looking for something to entice Tenchi, had immediately dove into the kinkiest box in the room. TWISTER AND KANEDA: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! (It figured,) thought Ryoko. Ayeka had had to set aside several leather and vinyl outfits to reach the real prize, an assortment of leather riding crops and bullwhips in different colors. She was trying to decide between a purple whip with a red bow above the handle and a solid black one without any adornment when Ryoko interrupted her. TWISTER: (Ayeka) GAH! "Oh, Ryoko, which one do you like?" she asked distractedly. KANEDA: (sultry Ryoko) I like them both, oujo-sama. AKANE: (I'm not sure how, but all of a sudden, she's forty feet tall with horns on her head, a little spiky tail, a large, black mallet, blood red eyes, and seems to have garnered a small army of demons. She also has an ominous voice. Got all that?) _NO MORE LESBIAN REFERENCES, HENTAI!!!_ KANEDA: (seems to have turned to stone) 0_0;;;;;;;;;;;; "Which one hurts more?" KANEDA: (sultry Ayeka) Let's find out, slave! AKANE: THAT'S _IT_!! (mallets Kaneda. Hard.) *SMMAAAAAASSSHHHHHH*! Ayeka lay them down and turn to face her. NOA: (To Akane) Hey, Akane? AKANE: (twitching eyebrow) YeS? NOA: Um.... the narrator sounds like Shampoo... AKANE: ThAnk YOu, nOa... thAt'S NICe. NOA:(blinks)......'kay. TWISTER: Nice dubbery. "The point isn't to hurt your partner, it's to show your love and affection, and occasionally remind him who is boss. But I suppose that someone with _your_ upbringing could never appreciate the finer points of bridal training." KANEDA: (Ayeka) At least, I _think_ it's bridal training... Ryoko ignored her for the most part, choosing instead to examine one of the cheap vinyl dominatrix outfits. She toyed with it idly and dropped it. "That has got to be the stupidest looking thing I've ever seen. Who would buy something like that?" ALL: The author. Although she privately agreed, Ayeka felt compelled to defend the horrid looking clothes. They were clearly associated with some form of Earth bridal training, and who was she to look down on another culture's customs? "Hmph, I don't see you picking out anything to wear. Could it be that you know you wouldn't look good in anything here, hmm?" TWISTER: (To Kaneda) Hm. KANEDA: Hm? TWISTER: (points to Ayeka's outfit on screen) Hmm? KANEDA: (puts hand to chin in thought) Hmmmmm... (thumbs up) Mmmmhmmm. ^_^ TWISTER: (nods sagely) Mmmmmm... NOA AND AKANE: *sigh* Ryoko, her relative good mood spoiled by the princess's bitchy attitude, finally started getting mad. "And I suppose you think you'd look better?" she returned, her voice dropping a few octaves. NOA: (deep Ryoko voice. It sounds pretty stupid) Eh I hah ih hihuhuh. (snickers all around) "Oh, I'd look better in this than you would in any two outfits here!" Ayeka shot back, getting up in Ryoko's face. NOA: Zinged! (thinks) I think... "Prove it." Ryoko had had it with her, and now it was time to make her pay in abject humiliation. AKANE: Or yen. KANEDA: (To Akane) You sounded a lot like Nabiki, there. AKANE: (thinks)... Oh no. "Fine, I will," Ayeka replied. TWISTER: To the plot! Oh, and period after "will". Mrs. Ikeuchi, who'd been paying careful attention lest they start fighting, jumped in gleefully. "All right girls, that's what we need! A fashion show! Or if you want to look at it that way, a beauty competition. We can set up a runway, and you two can change and show us your stuff." TWISTER: Considering that they don't have carpentry skills, design knowledge, and nobody checked to see if Nobuyuki's outside in the bushes, that seems like a perfectly flawless idea! She turned and looked around at the others. "Reiko! Ayame! NOA: (Reiko) Wha? You two young ladies will be the judges here. I believe both of you can appreciate the nuances of the female form, am I correct?" KANEDA: (Ayame) Mrs. Ikeuchi, why are you winking at me like that? They both nodded, a slow smile starting to form on Reiko's face. TWISTER: (Boris Karloff) Reiko got a wicked... evil... _awful_ idea... The old woman nodded happily. "Alright, it's settled. Pick an outfit and get dressed. We'll see who is the sexier for ourselves!" TWISTER: Can we judge? AKANE: (thinks) Not _one_ hentai comment! NOA: Or reference! TWISTER AND KANEDA: SWEET! ^_^....... damn. -_- Ryoko left Ayeka to play dress up while she searched for something... Special. AKANE: (Ryoko) I _know_ there were Lucky Charms in here! KANEDA: Pink hearts all around. She had a plan. She wasn't just looking for something to make herself look better than Ayeka, that wouldn't take much, no, Ryoko was digging through the piles of lace and spandex with only one thought in mind: What would Tenchi like? TWISTER: (looks at last paragraph)......... (clutches head) Oh, it hurts!! (This is it, Ayeka,) Ayeka thought. (It's down to the wire. Which one do you like more?) KANEDA: (starts humming the "Rocky" theme) AKANE: What was that for? KANEDA: Because Ayeka's about to look deep down inside her heart and choose the outfit that she loves most. AKANE: (massages temples) Ayeka had in fact picked up the two whips she been unable to decide over earlier and had resumed her deliberation. NOA: (Ragun Moody) Delibe-muh-ration. Suddenly, Ryoko saw it. It was white with black spots, fuzzy as Ryo-Ohki, just her size, and soft and supple as a lover's caress. She picked the two-piece up and cradled it, stroking the luxurious fur. The label said genuine snow leopard skin, not that she knew what a snow leopard was. It was so small and skin-tight that the leopard had probably got up and walked off after the surgery. The price tag was twice the number of digits of anything else, but she didn't care. She had a princess to humiliate, after all. AKANE: No need to delibe-muh-rate on that! Kiyone, abandoning her partner to chat with the other women, walked over to where Ayeka was still playing with the whips. "Still can't decide?" Ayeka nodded. "The whip is everything, I have to accessorize around it. This is a very important decision." NOA: (singing) Gonna fly nooooooowwwww... TWISTER: Now THAT was a sentence fragment! Kiyone cocked her head sideways and felt the red bow. "How well do they work? I mean, does one handle better than the other?" Ayeka smiled, looking at them in a new light. "I don't know, Kiyone, I'll tell you in a minute." TWISTER: (opens his mouth) NOA: (points at screen) Period after "Kiyone"! TWISTER: (mouth still open, looks at Noa) NOA: ^_^ Suddenly, she turned and snapped her hand, this one holding the black whip, aiming at a box lip flap sticking up on a table near where the others were. Two snaps later there was a sloppy but recognizable heart etched into the cardboard. KANEDA: So, now Ayeka's, like, a modern artist? TWISTER: It's a little thing her mommy taught her. AKANE AND NOA: Twister, no! Everyone jumped and dove for cover at the first crack, but when they saw what she'd done they applauded nervously, almost afraid not to. AKANE: (hefts mallet) First one to laugh like her goes for a ride... ALL:................................................................ Ayeka critically examined the whip, then set it down. "Pulls a little to the right. I'll try the other." NOA: I think Moody's making this up. At least, I hope he is. She transferred the purple one into her right hand and weighed it thoughtfully, then snapped it twice, aiming to the left of her last mark. Aware of what she was doing this time, no one dove for cover, but they still watched from a distance. This time the heart was more shapely, but the two lines didn't quite join. NOA: Great, now she can auction it off. KANEDA: Auction... what? NOA: Her box... oh no! TWISTER AND KANEDA: ^_- NOA: Akane, make them stop! AKANE: Okay. (hefts mallet) Who here's a horndog? TWISTER AND KANEDA: Us, oujo-sama. AKANE:... (can't decide which to hit first so she pulls another mallet and hits them both at once) *WHAM*x2 She weighed it again, tugging slightly at the large bow. "Better, but the bow throws it off a bit. Still, I think this is the better of the two. I'll use it." TWISTER: (Burgess Meredith) Save some a dat for da sequel! (ominous air returns) *shudder* Man, I feel cold... Kiyone nodded and didn't ask any more questions. She'd probably just want to demonstrate again. Ryoko's eye fell on another pile of clothes that had been lain neatly to one side. NOA: GAH! TWISTER: Her eye didn't really fall out. Guys like him write porn, not sick stuff like that. *shudder* (buttons up the top buttons on his tunic) AKANE: "Lain"? KANEDA: Serial Lingerie Lain, maybe? On top was another matching bra and panty set, a translucent blue counterpart to the little balls of fur she had already selected. AKANE AND NOA: NO! TWISTER AND KANEDA: (^_- anyway. This calls for a)*WHAM* A slow smile crept across her features. (Well, she did say any _two_ outfits here...) She giggled evilly, grabbed it up, and left to go change. No sense letting the competition see what she was up to. Her choice of whip now behind her, Ayeka set about the task of picking the right accessories. Too bad she had so little to chose from. Every one of the outfits was hideous. NOA: (Ayeka) I can't decide between 'slutty' and 'smutty'. TWISTER: She had little to "choose" from, Ragun. Mrs. Ikeuchi stepped up to help her decide more quickly. On the most expensive, naturally. ALL: Duh. "Having trouble picking something, Dear?" "Yes, they're all so strange. I've never seen anything like this before," Ayeka replied. KANEDA: Well, until this story came along, I'd never heard of that "gag gift" thing, either. "How odd, you popped that whip like a professional. Hmm, you're looking to outshine your friend, so you want only the very best." She made a little show of sorting through the pile. "Ah," she said, picking one up. "Here's just the thing." She held it against Ayeka to judge the size. "Ooh, it's a good thing you can cinch the laces tighter, or I don't think I'd have anything that would fit you." NOA: (skeptical Ayeka) _Sure_ you didn't. Ayeka took it from her, and examined it, then looked at the price tag. "Oh, my, it's a little expensive. Do you have anything cheaper?" KANEDA: (Mrs. Ikeuchi) Now that you mention it, no. Mrs. Ikeuchi frowned thoughtfully. "Well, yes, I do, but it's in vinyl. You'd look like a cheap slut, Dear. This is genuine leather, top quality. That's why it's so expensive." NOA: 'Smutty' it is! Ayeka hesitated. "Yes, but I only have so much money. I'd like to look through your other selections as well." TWISTER: I wonder how many of those outfits she has already. AKANE: You would. TWISTER: What is this, "Bash the Captain" day?! AKANE: Yes, it is. ^_^ (Fine, as long as she spends it here,) she thought. (But it's dreadfully hard to sell these things.) "Oh, come now, Dear, you want to look your best, right? Do you think Miss Ryoko would hesitate at price?" That was a calculated gamble at best, but given the way she'd already seen Ryoko's eye stray toward the more expensive items she was willing to risk it. KANEDA: Uh, don't look now, lady, but Ryoko has a big, heavy bag over her shoulder and is heading out the window. Ayeka frowned. "No, probably not. The little thief probably has a pile of cash tucked away." TWISTER: (To Kaneda) Your compensation. KANEDA: (-_-) Thanks a lot. "Well then, you can't let her outdo you, you've got a man to think about." NOA: Yes. Man, Ragun Moody. _NOT_ WOMAN!! TWISTER: Relax Noa, I don't think there's that kind of stuff in this fic. *shudder* There's that draft again... Ayeka hesitated once more. Then, "Do you think he'd like it?" "Oh, of course, Dear. What young man wouldn't want to kiss your whip for the privilege of seeing you in that?" (It takes all kinds...) thought Mrs. Ikeuchi. ALL: Like the author. "Well... Alright." "Great!" the old woman's enthusiasm was unforced. "You'd better go change, then, I think Miss Ryoko has already left." AKANE: (Mrs. Ikeuchi) Hey, where did all my fuzzies go? TWISTER: SENTENCE FRAGMENT! Period after "then"! While they were gone, Mrs. Ikeuchi gathered the girls and set up a sort of runway, ALL: How?! a clear path amongst the furniture and seats for the two judges at the end. ALL: Oh. The silliness started to get to them, and there was much giggling and quiet smiles as they worked. Or, in Miyo's case, bawdy laughter. AKANE: (To Miyo) No no no! It's "Silly" Hour, not Happy Hour! KANEDA: *hic* It didn't take long for Ayeka and Ryoko to change, but when it came time to make their entrance, Ryoko waved Ayeka on ahead under the pretense of fixing her hair in a mirror. TWISTER: (makes electric shocking noise) KANEDA: (Ryoko) Okay, I'm done! Ayeka paused to gather courage, it was an _awfully_ silly looking outfit, then boldly strode through the door. TWISTER: (British accent) This fic is displaying a peculiar tendancy to become silly. Whistles and murmurs greeted her, every eye in the place glued to her body. The fear, the knowledge that she looked silly, nearly drove her back through the door to hide. There were so many new faces judging her! (A princess of Jurai must not waver,) she thought grimly, drawing upon her past experience to walk regally through the room, pausing to look contemptuously at Mihoshi and survey the others with a superior air. TWISTER: (stands up) That was uncalled for, Ayeka! NOA: Twister, sit down. TWISTER: But he's making the characters do stuff they wouldn't do in the series! Ayeka doesn't hate Mihoshi! ALL THE REST: WE KNOW! SIT DOWN! TWISTER: (sits down muttering a few choice words) She coiled her whip at her side, the red and purple standing out against the polished black of her outfit. Leather covered her from crotch to throat, but there was an open vee between her breasts down so far it was nearly indecent, held together only by tight leather laces. Black knee high boots and tight gauntlets completed the look, but the heels were much lower than would be normal. TWISTER: I wonder what _would_ be considered normal in this fic. Reiko leaned over to her friend and whispered, "Not bad. Better than I would have expected." Ayame nodded but replied, "She doesn't look bad, but the condescending attitude annoys me. More dominatrix, less rich bitch." TWISTER: (seems a little out of it) Can I give my opinion? AKANE: Sure. TWISTER: Ayeka's hot in that outfit. AKANE: You done? TWISTER: Yes. NOA: (confused) But...that outfit looks kind of drafty. I think she'd be a little cold, wouldn't you? ALL THE REST: -_-; Reiko shrugged. Suddenly, a slow dance song started playing throughout the house, TWISTER: That would be "Porno Mix 2000" if I'm not mistaken. and one long, long, KANEDA: (singing) Time ago, in a galaxy far awaaay... shapely leg stuck through the crack between the door and the frame. Everyone oohed, NOA: aahh... AKANE: eeehhh... TWISTER: aarrr... KANEDA: (To Twister) What? TWISTER: Captain stuff. ^_^ appreciating the style Ryoko had invested. Miyo raised a bottle of sake in salute and tossed it back. TWISTER: That's what everybody did at my going-away party. NOA: Don't you mean _after_ it? TWISTER: ... Funny stuff, Noa. -_- Ayeka, her spotlight stolen, fumed. AKANE: (waves hand in front of nose) Phew, does she do that every time someone steals the show? ALL THE REST: Akane! Slowly, Ryoko emerged in tune with the music. She didn't walk as Ayeka had done, she _strutted_ into the room, rolling her hips and turning, giving the audience the best view of her furry derriere. AKANE: (Ragun Moody) Pardon my German. The white fur sparkled in the light, the light dusting of glitter teasing the eye as she moved. ALL: Huh? She pursed her lips, running hands up her body to her head, long teal locks falling through her splayed fingers. TWISTER: (Ragun Moody) Stop the grammar train, I want to get off! ALL THE REST: Lame. NOA: And Ryoko has _cyan_ hair. Kiyone's the Teal-Tressed Goddess. Right, Cap? TWISTER: Yes, Noa. Watch the fic. The music changed tone, three sharp drumbeats which Ryoko responded to by hip bumping, then stalking over to her rival. NOA: (Mistah Bumpeh ^_^) Everybody bump! Ayeka stood frozen, turning only her head to keep the pirate in view as Ryoko circled, sizing up her opponent. AKANE: Why do I feel as though someone with an Australian accent should start giving commentary? With a sniff and a toss of her hair, Ryoko turned her back and strode over to the rest of the people assembled. KANEDA: Can I give _my_ opinion? AKANE: *sigh* Go ahead. KANEDA: Ryoko's hot. Ayame leaned back over to Reiko. "You see? Now that's what I'm talking about." Louder, she yelled, "That's how you do it! Shake that thing!" NOA: (singing) Shake yo- AKANE: Noa, don't! NOA: But Cap does it! TWISTER: So does Kaneda. AKANE: (To Kaneda) No more. KANEDA: (wasn't paying attention) 'kay. Reiko glared. "Hey!" ALL: (To Reiko on screen) Hey. Miyo, too, liked the moves and dress of her drinking partner, and laughed loudly. "Way to go, yeah! You're twice as sexy as she is! Let's declare Ryoko the winner!" AKANE: She's a whipping post, she is. KANEDA: Maybe she's into that stuff? NOA: NO LESBIANS!! TWISTER AND KANEDA: (flinch) "That is IT!" Ayeka growled, rounding on Miyo. Her whip flashed and popped, TWISTER: The vorpal whip went snicker-snak! and three severed hairs fell across the older woman's line of sight. The whip was coiled back in an instant, years of practice turning it into an automatic procedure. KANEDA: Wouldn't a whip qualify as a single shot? ALL THE REST: *GROAN* Ayeka strode towards her, using the bend of her whip to lift her slack jaw and look her directly in the eye. "Be quiet," she hissed. TWISTER: (Miyo) Yes, mistress. AKANE AND NOA: (Ayeka) Oujo-sama to Oyobi! TWISTER: 0_0;; Miyo gulped audibly and nodded, clutching at the sake bottle with both hands. NOA: She isn't stroking it, Kaneda! KANEDA: I know! Turning, Ayeka deftly swung her whip, softly this time, so the tip was just able to snag a bright yellow flower from one of the vases and send it flying back to her. She held it for a second, inhaling the sweet fragrance, then tucked it into Miyo's hair. "Be good, now," she smiled. KANEDA: (Miyo) Yes, queen! AKANE: STOP!! "Whoa... Can I be next?" Reiko breathed. TWISTER: (Ayeka) Quiet, slave! NOA: (a tad whiny) Stop it, Twister! Ayame pinched her, getting another glare. KANEDA: The author seems to have a thing for glaring women. AKANE AND NOA: (glare at him) Do you? KANEDA:.........No. Ryoko watched with narrowed eyes, not liking the way things were going. (Time to bring out my secret weapon...) AKANE: (Ryoko) Oh, wait... I left it back with my snivellng sidekick in the abandoned warehouse down by the docks. TWISTER: (Ragun Moody) Shut up. It's late and I'm tired. All eyes focused on her as she jumped and spun, reaching behind her with both hands as she grabbed for the tie to her top. The two ends fell away freely, but her arms were clamped to her sides and the front remained firmly fixed in place as she sashayed over to the judges and leaned forward, putting her breasts in Ayame's face. NOA: (sarcastic) I wonder why he filmed this with a _zoom_ lens. KANEDA: Fanservice. "Go on, take it," invited Ryoko. KANEDA: (Ayame) But, I don't want it... AKANE: (threatening Ryoko) Take the bra, NOW!!! KANEDA: (stands up and tries to take the bra. Groan NOW!!!) Ayame reached out hesitantly and hooked one finger in the narrow portion between her breasts, but Reiko batted her hand in a fit of pique, sending the snow leopard top flying. A thin trickle of blood trailed from Ayame's nose as she got an eyeful of Ryoko's now see-through blue lace bra. AKANE: Guys? ALL THE REST: Yes, Akane? AKANE: I'm starting to think that the author has a lingerie fetish. NOA: Ragun P. Moody IS Happosai. AKANE: That was NOT funny! Ryoko grinned at the reaction, then turned to show the rest of the girls. Her hips swayed seductively as she sauntered to the center of the room and tugged at the band of her bottom, giving brief flashes of the even skimpier panties underneath. In two quick jerks she'd dropped them down, baring the sheer sky- blue cloth that disappeared between her cheeks long before it got close to her legs and then re-covering it in a flash. KANEDA: Honey Flash, that is. ^_- TWISTER: No, that would be a "Money" Flash, Kaneda. She spun in a slow circle, pulling both sets halfway down, exposing _incredibly_ soft flesh before Ryoko released the panties with a snap, only then continuing to drop the leopard skin until it finally fell to her knees, pressing her legs together slightly to slow its descent until it pooled at her feet. TWISTER: Run on, Ragun. Run on. She stepped one foot out and used the other to raise the fur high into the air like a trophy, ALL: o_0 TWISTER: Wow, women _are_ more flexible than men... AKANE: Damn straight! ^_^ then flip it in the direction of the judges. NOA: Why did the frame rate slow way the hell down? TWISTER: Something resembling dramatic effect? KANEDA: (slow mo, reaching for the screen) Mmmmiiiiiiinnnnnnne... Ayeka's whip snagged it out of the air before it had sailed more than a few feet. AKANE: (Ayeka) No flinging! Ryoko's eyes reflexively followed its path, a mistake as the whip snapped again so close to her bottom she could feel the wind. "Ah!" she yelled, surprised and startled. TWISTER: The difference between the two adjectives being: nothing. She jumped into the air and backed into a fighting stance. Ayeka stomped menacingly closer, snapping her whip into the air around her opponent, getting a tiny flinch each time. AKANE: (Jerry Louis, in time with Ryoko's flinches) Oo! Ai! Owowow! NOA: (Ayeka) Dance! *whipcrack* Dance! *Crack* "Ryoko..." she growled, getting in her face. "Do you see this whip?" KANEDA: (Ryoko) I'm farsighted, dickweed! She brought it up between them, no more than a few inches from either of their faces. Ryoko nodded. "So?" Ayeka licked, starting at the bow on the handle and traveling closer to the body, her eyes never deviating from their aggressive stare into Ryoko's. KANEDA: Here we go! AKANE AND NOA: (shut their eyes tight) Reiko ceased to breathe, hanging on the edge of her seat with white knuckles where she gripped the sides. TWISTER: The suspense in this story could kill a small child. (Damn,) thought Ryoko. Then she had an idea. Gingerly, she reached out and stroked the whip, a motion similar to the ones she used when she petted Ryo-Ohki. Two fingers captured the trailing end, and she tugged the coils free to wrap around her own body. TWISTER AND KANEDA: Of course. AKANE: Can I look? TWISTER: Sure. I don't think anything's going to happen. Ayeka held onto the handle firmly, lest Ryoko wrench it from her grasp, but Ryoko simply resumed her dance, always focusing on Ayeka. KANEDA: Hot! Glaring! Circling! Action! She moved, sometimes nearer, sometimes farther away, always grinding her hips, sliding her feet, and giving heavy lidded stares to everyone around her. TWISTER: But... wasn't she always focusing on Ayeka? AKANE: I think the author made a continuity error! Ayeka was far from finished, however. She waited until Ryoko drew close, then pulled her hand up and flicked the handle in a circle, sending several coils of leather around Ryoko's arms and drawing them tight. NOA: (badly dubbed Kung-Fu Ayeka) Ha. I have turned the tables on you again. Ha ha ha ha. Ryoko blinked in surprise, stumbling as Ayeka pulled on the whip strongly, forcing her to get within arms reach. Ayeka suddenly seized her, stepping up and hugging her with both arms, hooking one of those tight black boots behind Ryoko's legs and leaning forward. AKANE AND NOA: (shut their eyes TIGHT) YOU SAID!! TWISTER: Sorry! Ryoko tripped and bent backwards at her knees, Ayeka's arms and whip the only thing between her and the floor. They held that pose for several seconds, then Ayeka straightened up and jerked on the whip, stepping aside deftly to allow Ryoko to spin past and collapse on the floor. KANEDA: Ole! AKANE AND NOA: Now can we look? TWISTER: Yes. THE GIRLS: Really? TWISTER: This time, I'm sure. Ayeka stood triumphantly over her fallen foe, recoiling the whip into both gloved hands. Her face had a look of extreme satisfaction as she breathed heavily, leather creaking in protest. AKANE: Wow! Detail that has nothing to do with anything! Ryoko lay on her hip with her head down, one leg stretched out and the other bent beneath her, her arms supporting her upper body as she gazed up through the veil of hair that had fallen forward to conceal her face. TWISTER: (tries to picture the position)....never mind. She, too, shuddered as she gasped for breath, face flushed with exertion. Somewhere, the music stopped. NOA: Happy 1980! Reiko hit the floor. AKANE: Nobuyuki came home. KANEDA: The shit hit the fan. Ayame, on the other hand, sagged nerveless in her chair, eyes closed as she tried to remember every detail. *clap clap clap* TWISTER: Onomatopoeia, ladies and gentlemen! Mrs. Ikeuchi stepped forward, clapping loudly and distinctly. Everyone else started clapping as well, slowly at first but gradually getting louder. Miyo whistled in approval. "Well _done_ girls, that was as fine a performance as I've ever seen! I'm sorry, though, but I think we'll have to call it a draw. Neither of our good judges seems to be with us at the moment." TWISTER: That was a cop out! NOA: Why do you say that? TWISTER: Because he'd have otaku screaming for his Johnson in chatrooms if he declared either one a winner. AKANE: "Johnson"? TWISTER: I heard it called that, somewhere. Ayame waggled one hand weakly. "I want one of those outfits." "Me, too," floated up from the floor beside her. NOA: Hello, little speech bubble! Mrs. Ikeuchi flashed a bright smile at the rest of them. "Anyone else see anything they like?" This time, she was not disappointed. ***************** KANEDA: (kids show narrator) Come out little stars... story time... The common household rat is a creature that is eternally seeking to avoid confrontation. It skulks quietly around in dark places, always keeps to the edges of a room, and hides instantly when faced with anything bigger and stronger than itself. TWISTER: Thank you for the trivia that doesn't advance the plot. Like all things, it is constantly avoiding that final appointment with fate. AKANE: Why is he telling us this? NOA: Maybe he's going to compare the qualities of the characters to the qualities of a rat? That's not to say that it's a truly cowardly animal, merely that it knows when it is far outmatched, which, sadly, is most of the time. However, when the chips are down and it's backed into a corner, all that repressed ferocity pours forth, making it an opponent to be reckoned with. TWISTER: (lightbulb) Oh, I know who he's talking about! Tenchi shared many of the personality traits of a rat, as he was also eternally seeking to avoid confrontation. TWISTER: (Beakman) Ba-da-bing! ALL THE REST: Quiet. In fact, according to the less charitable, he was a weenie. AKANE: The author has all the subtlety of Happosai, too. That wasn't entirely his fault, at one time he was actually able to have an intelligent conversation with the opposite sex and could consider a relationship in a clear frame of mind. TWISTER: Why are there so many grammar errors in this thing?! NOA: (Ragun Moody) I always thought bad grammar was funny... TWISTER: Period after "fault"! All that was before aliens landed in his backyard. First impressions are often the most powerful, and Tenchi's first impression of the beautiful alien women that kept moving in with him was of beautiful women wielding powers beyond his understanding and trying to kill each other. He was far outmatched, and he knew it. TWISTER: Then, he should learn the Saotome Secret Technique! ALL: RUN AWAY!! A normal, manly view of this would be 'Go for it, it's worth the risk!', especially when it became apparent that they liked him. Tenchi was too afraid to even think about it. The potential gains did not outweigh the risk of being squished like a bug. THE GUYS: (look a tad green) His worldview, a product of a male dominated society, had trouble with powerful women, and thus, he turned into a weenie and lost much of his emerging manliness. NOA: (sarcastic) The author's getting a bit too technical for me. Still, being a male such as he was, he did have several manly characteristics. He was a good bit dense, he tended to leave the toilet seat up, and he avoided thinking about anything he didn't know how to handle in the hope that it'd go away. That wasn't much to work with, but it was all Ayeka and Ryoko had. TWISTER: I have a new theory! AKANE: (rolls eyes) Does it have anything to do with the fourth wall? TWISTER: No. I think Ragun Moody is trying to establish Tenchi as a weenie and himself as a romantic, manly individual in the hopes that Ryoko and Ayeka will fall for him, instead. (This has to be true as he's holding up the Finger Of Science) WASHU: (voice) WRONG! The fic's almost over, and I've got to have a few words with you guys about these "lemons" afterwards. ALL: CAN YOU FIX SAL?! WASHU: (voice) No, and I can't track your location, either. TWISTER: (verge of tears) Fix my shiiiiiip... WASHU: (voice) Come on, it's almost over. **************** TWISTER: (grumpy) Twinkle, twinkle, stupid thing... "We're home!" called Tenchi, opening the door to let Sasami through. They'd spent the day in the city, going to amusement parks and shopping. Neither of which were Tenchi's idea of a good time, but he had fun regardless. AKANE: Oh, so that's what happened. NOA: Ragun Moody, coppin' out. "Ayeka? Ryoko?" Sasami called, carrying a few small bags in and letting Tenchi bring the rest. NOA: He's a loving, caring, caregiver. KANEDA: I bet all she did was smile. "Hello!" chorused the two girls as they appeared to greet them. Kiyone and Mihoshi had already gone home after helping clean up, and the others had long since left. "How was your day, Sasami?" asked Ayeka cheerfully. "Good, thanks!" Sasami replied, setting her bags down on the couch. "We went shopping, and then we went to a water park, and then we ate pizza, and then we shopped some more! Did you have fun while we were gone?" KANEDA: As if they're going to tell her. Ayeka nodded, glaring at Ryoko where she was trying to cuddle up to Tenchi. "Yes, it was quite interesting. I had no idea Earth shared so many similarities with Jurai- Ryoko! Would you stop that! We agreed, not till we finished the book!" NOA: (Ryoko) No, _you_ agreed on that! TWISTER: (ditto) Small words too big. "I was just checking!" Ryoko protested innocently. "You know, article twelve!" TWISTER: (Ryoko) Of the Weenie Protection Act. "You've already done that. Lots." AKANE: But, he just got there. NOA: I think she was talking about all the other times she glomped him, Akane. AKANE: Oh. Good. Thank you, Noa. Tenchi turned to Sasami, who shrugged. "Well," he said, turning back, "I'm glad you had a good time. Did you ever get Washu to come out?" KANEDA: (Washu from far away) This isn't funny anymore, guys! "Nah, she never would answer her door. I wonder what she's doing in there..." Ryoko mused aloud. AKANE: (whistles X-files theme) Tenchi shuddered reflexively. "Probably best not to ask." NOA: You never had to, before. They all nodded agreement. Ayeka grabbed Ryoko's arm and started dragging her out of the room. "Come on, we've got to finish reading my book and figure out what type he is." KANEDA: "Type"? (To the girls) You think guys like me are "Types"?! NOA: Yep. KANEDA: Okay, Noa. What "type" am I, huh?! NOA: Not mine. TWISTER: Oww... "_Our_ book. And I found it first. I wouldn't even have told you about it if I hadn't ran out of money." Ryoko reluctantly allowed herself to be dragged along. "I still say he's an alpha type..." TWISTER: Assuming "alpha" type is the type to... ALL EX AKANE: RUN AWAY!! AKANE: Stop picking on him! ALL: Why? ^_- AKANE: (blushes and crosses her arms) Just don't. Ayeka delicately refrained from snorting. NOA: How does one do that? TWISTER: Well, she's the princess, so she must know how. KANEDA: Remind me to ask her how you can delicateley belch. "Oh, come now, as manly as he is, even I don't think-" their voices faded from hearing. KANEDA: (Ragun Moody) But, I've got four minutes of recording time left! NOA: I think Masaki Kajishima caught him before he called Tenchi "manly". TWISTER: (Kajishima) Not in _my_ series, he's not! **************** TWISTER: And now for some pointless space filler. "Umm, Kiyone?" Mihoshi asked, blushing. They'd already been home for several hours, and Mihoshi's nervousness was palpable. TWISTER: "Palpable" is usually a term used to describe something with a rhythmic beat. Like a heart. AKANE: (Ragun Moody) Well, it sounded smart, so there! The first thing she'd done had been take out the Pleasureslave and plug its little AC adapter/charger into a wall socket. ALL: Oh no... Kiyone sighed. "Yes, Mihoshi," she replied, already knowing what the question was. "Just go to the other room." KANEDA: Hey, this is neat. Two rooms in a one room apartment. TWISTER: Kaneda, think about the state of my ship. KANEDA: Um, no. Earlier privacy issues had resulted in the installation of an expanding screen which divided their apartment in half. The thin paper and lightweight wood barely blocked light and didn't stop sound at all, but it did at least provide the illusion of a private bedroom. KANEDA: Oh. "Umm, I don't know if I can. Could you, umm, take a walk or something?" She squirmed visibly. It wasn't a good enough illlusion, in her opinion. NOA: What is the author allluding too? TWISTER: Welll, he is a lllemon writer. AKANE: Nice allliteration there, Cap. "Fine, whatever." Kiyone carefully avoided grumbling a few choice words as she left. She couldn't really begrudge her partner a little private time. Sometimes even Kiyone liked a little time to herself. KANEDA: Her and a cucumber. ALL: *snicker* Figuring that Mihoshi would like at least an hour, she stayed gone for some time. Walking was cheaper, so she ambled idly around the city, gazing wistfully at a karaoke bar from afar, but in the end deciding not to. People were everywhere, and she blended in nicely. Just another earthling, nothing to look at here... She was quite tired when she finally made it back to the apartment. It was late, and she'd had a very long day. There was work tomorrow to consider, as well. TWISTER: (tired Kiyone) Work suck, sleep now. "Oh, that's incredibly loud," she exclaimed involuntarily beneath her breath upon entering the small apartment. It was an easily heard sound, although hard to identify if you didn't already know what it was. Kiyone's first thought was of the food processor she'd seen Sasami use. ALL: 0_0 (VERY green at the mental image) *Urp*! Soft thumps and moans accompanied it, although they were much more readily filtered out by the walls. That buzzing, however... Kiyone briefly considered going out for another walk, but a wave of exhaustion hit her and she reconsidered. She decided to compromise. KANEDA: Tried compromisin' with Tetsuo. Didn't work... (looks sad for a minute) "Mihoshi," she said loudly, knocking on the thin door to the bedroom. "Mihoshi!" "What." TWISTER: (points to period in place of question mark) HA! AKANE: (mallets him) *WHAM*. Enough is enough. Kiyone blinked. That had been very terse and annoyed, especially for the blonde. "Mihoshi, how much longer are you going to be?" "I don't know! Go away!" Mihoshi replied petulantly. NOA: (Ragun Moody) Petu-muh-lantly. Kiyone frowned. "Mihoshi, I'm tired, and we have work tomorrow! Now hurry up!" KANEDA: (Mihoshi) That was kind of petu-muh-lant, Kiyone! The buzzing mercifully stopped. ALL: Dead calm... Kiyone was just about to open her mouth when the door opened a foot and a blanket, a pillow, and her alarm clock was pushed out. The door slammed shut and a few seconds later the buzzing restarted. ALL: Wa wa waaa... She sighed and grabbed her sleeping gear, then made herself as comfortable as possible in a chair. As tired as she was, it was still a little difficult to sleep when your best friend keeps moaning in pleasure from a few yards away. Not to mention the blender-like noise. ALL: DON'T remind us! Washu: In the next chapter of Needful Things, Ryoko and Ayeka continue to debate over Tenchi's character, with potentially embarrassing results. Mihoshi enjoys her new toy, and Kiyone patience wears thin. And most importantly, I finally make an appearance! ALL: What? WSHU: (Voice) That's not me. He's trying to make it seem like the end of a Universe episode. TWISTER: Washu? The lemon situation? WASHU: (voice) *sigh* Finish the fic and I'll tell you guys back in the lounge. Ryoko: Just what kind of man is he anyway? NOA: (Ragun Moody) He's a weenie! Ayeka: I don't know, but I intend to find out. One way or another. KANEDA: (ominous voice) Foreshadowing... Washu: So be sure and point your browser at the next chapter of Needful Things, Desperate Measures. Mihoshi: It's unspeakably frustrating. (All get up to leave) KANEDA: (stretches) Hey, that wasn't so bad. NOA: I guess not. It could have had sex and stuff. *shudder* Hey, Cap? TWISTER: Yeah? NOA: I _do_ feel kinda cold. AKANE: Yeah, it was kind of funny, too. TWISTER: I agree, but I'm glad Washu found out about how that thing got into Sal. Now everything's going to be all right... don't you guys feel cold at all? ALL THE REST: (shrug and shake their heads) ^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^ The crew is now in the lounge, listening to the update on the Sal/Tolp predicament. Same seating as before, only now, Mihoshi's awake. "Okay, Cap," Washu cheerfully began. "while you gouys were in the theater, I checked my stuff for info on these lemon... whatchacallits." "And?" everyone asked. "And I can see the reason why these things would screw up Sal." Cap went pale. "These fics are written so stupidly, so inanely, so completey screwed up, that they were too much for Sal's logic circuits to handle. Suffice it to say, Sal went nuts!" Cap froze. "To make matters worse," Washu continued. "The only way you can get rid of them is to dig 'em up and scan 'em one by one, and the only area on the ship suitable for that is the theater. Until they've been taken care of, I can't get into Sal to find out where you guys are. Sorry, Cap. The only good thing I've found is that since time in there is slowed to an absolute crawl, you guys are only about as hungry or tired as you were when the Tolp device wrecked the fourth wall and brought you here." Cap fell off the couch with a loud *thunk*. "So," Akane said. "we're stuck in a pocket dimension on a spaceship whose areas are scattered across space and time." Washu nodded in agreement. "The AI is shit and we have to watch crappy stories about anime characters to fix it." Kaneda noted. "Yup." said Washu. "And we have no idea how many of these things are and they just show up in Sal's systems without any warning?" inquired Noa. Washu "mmhmmd" in agreement. "And *sniff* we can't *sniffsniff* find *hic* Yukinojo?" Mihoshi asked. "And unless they preempted it, Mihoshi, you just missed Moldiver." After the wail subsides... and the ringing in everyone's ears stops... "WHERE IN THE ANIVERSE ARE WE NOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW?!!" ************************************************** THE CREW OF THE HAMDINGER SAYS: ************************************************** AKANE: Eh, this wasn't bad. I thought it was going to be a hentai tentaclefest or something, at first. KANEDA: Not bad. Hey, s'long as I'm stuck here, Ryoko fanservice helps a lot. NOA: You scared me a few times, but this wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Mihoshi's a bit... off, but the rest was... okay, I guess. TWISTER: This fic was pretty good. I don't think we'll ever see this in the actual series, but for a hentai series, you didn't do half bad. *************************************************** AUTHOR'S NOTES *************************************************** Well, after the long and amateurish plot development, here's my first MST. Anybody who thinks it's going to be my last has obviously not been paying attention. You know who you are -_-. I'd like to thank Ragun Moody for letting me MST this and I hope he keeps it up. He writes good fics (ie: good lemons) and this was a great fic for warmin' up ^_^. Good job, Ragun. I'd also like to thank Peter Suzuki for all his encouragement, and for taking the time to look through this and give it his honest opinion. In the beginning, I was making some very crummy gags, and it really helped. Thanks, Peter. Of course, I also have to thank the cast and crew of MST3K for countless hours of belly laughs, aching sides, being the best show ever to air on Network television, and recurring nightmares of Torgo ^_^. You guys rocked when you aired, and you still do! Anyways, the world of fanfiction can expect me to be MSTing for a long, long time. I love C&C, so email me at: mistatwista@hotmail.com Oh... and as for a certain hentai freak who shall remain nameless, but is no doubt reading this... this means exactly what you think it means! Don't worry, your upcoming fic'll get ALL the C&C I can throw at it ^_^! Ja ne! ^_^