GENERIC LEMON OUT-TAKES.... by Dark Jezter.... Greetings, everyone. This is my first fanfic, which is intended to poke fun at lemon fics, and more specifically, some of the outrageous cliches that are often present in them. -=*=- AUTHOR: Okay, in this fic, Tenchi is going to reveal that he loves both Ayeka and Ryoko, and that means... TENCHI, AYEKA, RYOKO: (all at once) We know, we know... a threesome. -=*=- AYEKA: *Another* lemon where I am portrayed as a sadomasochistic freak!? Why can't I ever have normal sex for once? SASAMI: You think you've got it bad... -=*=- AUTHOR: Ryoko, in this script, you are extremely skilled at fellatio. RYOKO: How is this different than any other lemon? -=*=- NOBOYUKI: Where are the girls at? TENCHI: Probably in the women's bath, having a lesbian orgy. (At that moment, Ryoko, Ayeka, Washu, Sasami, Kiyone, and Mihoshi walk into the room) TENCHI: Where were you girls? RYOKO: Oh, we were shopping. TENCHI: (scratches head nervously) Shopping? Is that a, um, metaphor... AYEKA: What do you mean? TENCHI: (sighs) Were you having lesbian group sex in the bath? KIYONE: (disgusted) Oh lord no! Why the hell would we do something like that? WASHU: (rolls eyes) Typical male fantasy. (Tenchi, Noboyuki, and Yosho facefault) AUTHOR: Did you ladies even read the script? -=*=- TENCHI: (horrified) You want me to WHAT!!! AUTHOR: Hey, human adult Ryo-Ohki ain't bad... just think of her as a furry Ryoko... (Tenchi barfs) -=*=- (Ryoko and Ayeka are standing outside of Washu's lab. Ryoko knocks on the door. There is no answer.) RYOKO: Let's just go inside. (the girls open the door and step into the lab to see... Washu sitting at her computer.) WASHU: Hi ladies, what's up? (Ayeka and Ryoko just stare at her, puzzled) WASHU: Something wrong? AYEKA: Uh, Little Washu, according to the script, Ryoko and I were supposed to walk in on a tentacle-rape scene. WASHU: Oh, sorry, I got distracted and completely forgot about it. Can you leave and come back in five minutes? -=*=- RYOKO: I never really hated you, Ayeka. I just fought with you because I (snicker) am really in love with you and I didn't want to (giggle) admit it. AYEKA: Lady Ryoko, I feel the (titter) same way, and I just want you to know that... (Ryoko and Ayeka look deeply into each other's eyes, and start laughing uncontrollably!) AUTHOR: Ayeka! Ryoko! What's so funny?! AYEKA: (wiping her eye) I'm sorry, it's just that this scene is so unbelievable. (laughs) RYOKO: (clutching her side) Yeah, I mean, one minute we are arch-rivals, the next minute we are ready to start going at it like a pair of professional women golfers. Who in their right mind is going to believe that? (begins laughing again) -=*=- TENCHI: Ryoko, I love you. RYOKO: Tenchi, make love to me. AUTHOR: Cue the sex scene. (Tenchi and Ryoko suddenly find themselves lying in Tenchi's bed, they both sit up and look at the author) RYOKO: Wait a minute, that's it? We're just going to jump into bed three paragraphs into the fic? AUTHOR: What else do you want? RYOKO: How about a little characterization? TENCHI: ...or plot! AUTHOR: Hey! Do I look like Happosai to you? Just be grateful I am not writing a Sasami lemon. Now, get in that bed and have sex! TENCHI & RYOKO: (disheartened) Yes, sir. -=*=- AUTHOR: Okay, Ryoko. In this scene, Tenchi is going to... (whispers in Ryoko's ear) RYOKO: (eyes widen) No! I beg you, please don't make me to that! The last time an author made me do that, I couldn't sit down for a week! AUTHOR: (ignores her pleas) ...And you will pretend that you enjoy it. RYOKO: (crying) But I *don't* enjoy it! How could anybody enjoy THAT?! It HURTS! AUTHOR: Quit complaining! Or else I'll add a tentacle-rape scene. (Ryoko just whimpers) -=*=- AUTHOR: Okay, in this lemon, Tenchi and Ayeka will both give their virginity to each other. We will have a typical 'first-time' sex scene. TENCHI: Which is? AUTHOR: Hot, passionate, acrobatic sex. Ending with powerful, simultaneous orgasms. (Tenchi and Ayeka just look at each other) AYEKA: Um, first-time sex isn't like that at all. TENCHI: (to author) Let me guess, you're a virgin, aren't you? AUTHOR: THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT!!! -=*=- AUTHOR: Okay, Ryoko. Do you know your lines for this lemon? RYOKO: Yeah, I read the script. AUTHOR: Would you please recite them for me? RYOKO: Sure... (clears throat) Oh yes... oh YES... don't stop... please don't stop... (moans and groans) oh no, I can't take it anymore... I'm gonna... (screams). AUTHOR: Perfect! Ayeka, did you memorize your lines? AYEKA: Yes, I did... OJOSAMA TO OYOBI! (cracks whip) AUTHOR: Great! Now we can get started... -=*=- SASAMI: But why would you make me do icky things like that? TENCHI: Yeah, you creep! Do you think that people actually want to read this pedophiliac garbage? AUTHOR: Everybody wants to read about Sasami having sex, my friend told me so. WASHU: Oh, And who is your friend? (suddenly a pillar of fire appears and a figure steps out of it) SATAN: That would be me... -=*=- AUTHOR: ...and after Mihoshi, Tenchi will then have sex with Tsunami... YOSHO: Wait a minute, Tsunami? AUTHOR: Correct. WASHU: But Tsunami is a tree-spirit and a goddess, I don't even know if it is physically possible for her to have sex with anyone. AUTHOR: (shrugs) Who cares? She's hot! -=*=- MIHOSHI: Hey Kiyone, want to tan with me? KIYONE: (shrugs) Sure, why not? (Mihoshi takes her top off and looks at Kiyone expectantly) KIYONE: (sarcastically) Boy, I wonder what *this* story is about? -=*=- WASHU: I'm the greatest scientific genius in the universe, and you want me to invent a machine that makes people horny? AUTHOR: Yep. WASHU: (sighs) Well, I *was* working on a cure for cancer, but I guess this is more important. AUTHOR: Good girl. -=*=- RYOKO: Nervous? TENCHI: Yep. RYOKO: First time? TENCHI: Nope, I've been nervous lots of times. (Author's note: My apologies to the writers of Airplane for stealing that scene and putting a dirty twist on it. ^_^) -=*=- AUTHOR: Okay, it's time for Ryoko's scene, bring her in. (Ryoko walks into the room, she has a rather miserable look on her face) AUTHOR: Is something wrong, Ryoko? RYOKO: Yeah, for some reason, I haven't been feeling well lately, I feel like.... URP! (Ryoko covers her mouth and runs towards the bathroom) AUTHOR: I guess we can give Ryoko the day off. Where's Ayeka? SASAMI: She's down in the kitchen. Boy, she really likes pickles and ice cream. (Tenchi, Noboyuki, and Yosho sweatdrop) NOBOYUKI: Uh-oh... YOSHO: Um, Mr. Author, I'm just curious... did you have anybody use contraceptives in that lemon you wrote a few weeks ago? AUTHOR: No, why? (Yosho and Noboyuki facefault, Tenchi begins hyperventilating) -=*=- (Tenchi carries Ayeka into his room and throws her on the bed. Ayeka begins taking her kimono off while Tenchi pulls off his shirt) AYEKA: Tenchi you don't know long I've waited for this... TENCHI: Me too, Ayeka... (Tenchi unbuttons his pants and quickly unzips them, suddenly his eyes go wide...) TENCHI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Ayeka looks down at Tenchi's zipper, she suddenly goes pale and faints while Tenchi continues to scream) AUTHOR: What the hell is wrong? (Tenchi shows him) AUTHOR: Oh great... somebody call the paramedics. -=*=- (While Ryoko sits at the foot of the bed, Tenchi pulls down his pants) RYOKO: Oh Tenchi, it's so big! TENCHI: You really think so? RYOKO: Yeah, and it's also really dark. I'd have a doctor take a look at that mole if I were you. -=*=- (Washu's lab, Tenchi is tied to the wall in nothing but his underwear) WASHU: Now, Tenchi, I am finally going to get that sample I want! (Washu morphs into her adult form, and she is wearing nothing but a skimpy nurse's outfit) TENCHI: Oh my g... *groan* (shudders) (Washu blinks, and walks over to Tenchi) WASHU: YOU COULDN'T EVEN WAIT TEN SECONDS!!! -=*=- MIHOSHI: AHHHH! TENCHI: *grunts* MIHOSHI: Tenchi... please... harder! TENCHI: I don't know how much longer I can keep this up! MIHOSHI: Just a little longer, please! TENCHI: (wipes forehead) I'm sorry, Mihoshi, but we've been trying for the last hour... there is no way that your foot is going to fit in this shoe. ---------------------- AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well, I hope I made you laugh, but if I just grossed you out, that's okay as well. Please keep in mind that not all lemons are bad (for example, Aikan Muyo and Fukanzen), but the vast majority of them are pointless sex-fests. I may or may not make a sequel to this, depending on how well people like it. I would like to thank KarlMarks for giving me the idea for this, Sabin_R for proofreading, and the guys (and gals) at #TenchiFF for just being hentai. ^_^ C & C can be sent to dark-jester@ignmail.com