"You just HAD to piss em' off, didn't you?" Glyph Bellchime roared, over the sound of an electrical shot. Andrew and Washu were trying to hold the ship steady, while REBB01, the weapon expert, fired back at the ship behind the JEDRI. Glyph steadied herself, then glared at a young man who was watching the engine power. "So sue me! I didn't know that not eating that dish was an insult!" The young man blurted back. "Let alone, the most grievous one you can give." "Cypher---!" Glyph yelped, but then was almost knocked off her feet. Suddenly, REBB01 blurted, "We need to jump! It's the only way were going to lose these guys!" "Washu!" Glyph called up Washu from the engine room, " Are the dimensional drive still intact?" "Yeah, but if we stay here much longer, they're going to be orbiting the nearest gravitational body!" "Prep em!" "Are you nuts? I'll be doing it blind!" Andrew barked. "Then start reading Braille, because it's either this or being blown to bits!" "Oh-kaaaaaaay, by the seat of the pants, then!" Then a bright light bathed the bridge from the viewscreen. Glyph gritted her teeth. Damn, I'm just a writer, but no way, no how, is anyone going to believe this! The JEDRI crew presents: A LEMON TO BE DEALT WITH—MST log 3—a crossover by Bryan Weber, Glyph Bellchime, and REBB01 Fan-fictions: The dark frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Brian Drummond. It's eternal mission (without possibility of parole) to MST the lemons, to mock the darkfics, to boldly go where no fic should dare to go (though usually it's kicking and screaming that gets us there). Aboard the USS Brian Drummond, the crew, none of whom are owned by me and all of whom are used without permission, please don't sue as I do this for the love of the characters, was resting after an MST of a lemon fic. Bryan was reading his copies of No Need For Tenchi, familiarizing himself with Minagi and all the antics of Tenchi's group. Ryoko was listening to the Bubblegum Crisis Soundtrack on headphones. Prince Vegeta was lifting weights in the gravity room. Zechs Merquise was writing poetry to his beloved Lucretcia Noin. And Rei Ayanami was being as quiet (if not more so) as a mouse. "Bryan," Ryoko said, "Why did you decide to MST with us, anyway?" Bryan shrugged, "I guess after we did that Kanashii no Imi insert, I realized that I wasn't really one of you. I was just this guy, you know. So, I decided to join the group." "Guys," Rei's voice came over the speakers, "Assemble in the theatre. We've got a big one. Lemon sign. Sasami lemon sign, in fact." "The whole reason I began this mission," Bryan said grimly, "was to MST those things to hell." But then the sensors went wild. Bryan and the others suddenly felt the distortion of the space behind them. . . "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" The crew of the JEDRI yelped. Andrew pushed the ship downward, just barely missing the warp nacelle on the ship in-front of them. Then when they could straighten, they steadied. The group made a collective sigh. Trying to breathe again, Glyph tapped Andrew on the shoulder. "Great save, Drew-hon, but could you give a warning when you dive!" "What the hell's going on?" Ukyo yipped. Then they noticed the ship they had almost ran into. "Ut oh, Does that say MST-1701?" "Uh, yeah," Cypher sounded quiet. "Does it say Drummond?" "Uh, yeah," REBB01 said, questioningly. "Does this mean. . .?" "Oh, god." Glyph muttered. Her head sunk low. "REBB01. . . hail them." Bryan's face came up on the viewscreen. He had a slight smile on his face, and the pale complexion of a man who looks like he was recovering from a heart attack. "You could just call like normal people," he quipped nervously. "Uh, hi. . ." the woman's voice cracked. "Sorry about the buzz-by, Bryan." "I wish that we could run into you under better circumstances," REBB01 called. The others aboard ship looked at him with weird gazes. "What?" he yelped. "REBB01," Vegeta said from the bridge of the Drummond, "One more lousy pun out of you, and I'll take you apart piece at a time and make a toaster." "Isn't that what he said to Number 18?" Ryoko whispered to Bryan. Bryan just sighed. REBB looked blank. “What pun?” "We were coming out of a close call," Glyph said, regaining her composure, "and the dimensional drive zapped us here." "Flying through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops!" Washu muttered, "Without precise coordinates from the navi-computer you could fly too close to a star or bounce off a supernova, and that'd end your trip real quick." Zechs sighed, "Must you?" "WHAT?" "The Star Wars jokes, they simply have to stop." "I'M SORRY!" Cypher said, "How was I to know that the Dentrassi would be offended?!" "It's in the book with big friendly letters on the cover," Bryan said, holding up his own copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, "We're opening the shuttle bay, JEDRI. Pull on in." "Who caused this?" Ryoko blurts. The crew of the JEDRI point to Cypher. "Him," they say as one. "You guys are going to rub that in for weeks, aren't you?" Cypher grumbles. "We may as well MST this new one while your ship is being repaired." All the Jedri crew characters are cosigned to their owners as well. . .but were standing now on cargo bay pad. They met the Drummond crew a little more than frustrated. . . Mew flittered with his sign, as the others mingled. Glyph shrugged to Bryan. Pathos and Andrew looked at the damaged JEDRI, then at each other. The thought that was going through their minds was voiced by Pathos: "We be here awhile." Roll Call: Cypher: Boy, we are a Mickey Mouse operation, aren't we? Ukyo: Mickey, heck, we ain't even Betty Boop! The JEDRI crew stare at her, but Cypher starts clapping. Cypher: You catch on quick, girl. You go. (under his breath) and keep going till you're gone. *WHANG* Bryan: Thank you. Vegeta: Doesn't that hurt? Cypher: I’m a changeling, it doesn’t. So the groups- The JEDRI Glyph Bellchime “To boldly go where. . .uh, wrong script,” REBB01 “Ready flamethrower.” Cypher Katchuketsu “Don’t you start.” Washu Habuki “It’s Washu-CHAN, thank you very much.” Ukyo Kuonji “And they say that I’m weird?” *Mew-Drew the short straw and is helping Andrew and Pathos in repairs. The Brian Drummond-- Bryan Weber: "Anybody seen my barf bag?" Prince Vegeta: "Whose idea was this, anyway?" Ryoko: "Can I leave yet?" Zechs Merquise: "Is nothing sacred?" Rei Ayanami: "Leave the driving to me." Bryan: The fic is starting. Everybody got their supplies? Vegeta: Popcorn. Ryoko: Nachos Zechs: Root beer. Ukyo: Sake and pina coloda, here. Rei:(on speakers) None for me, thanks. I'm driving tonight. Glyph: Sack of candy from Halloween and got the pizza snacks. Bryan: And four dozen vomit bags, with two emergency pails besides. Tenchi Muyou: Ryoko: No need for spelling! Union The day was almost upon her, Bryan: I hate it when I get days upon me. Vegeta: I know what you mean. They're so hard to wash out later. Ukyo: Just need some stain remover, or wash it faster. Vegeta: Faster than the speed of light? Ukyo: ???? Bryan: Don't ask. and as Sasami stood at the kitchen window and watched the sun set on the last day of her independence Ryoko: Azuza was marrying her off to Seriyou. Bryan: Don't even kid about something like that. Someone might try to write it! REBB: Yeah, old Kuno has a run for the money on being long winded with that guy. Vegeta: When will these amateurs learn that it's not how long you talk, it's how much you blow up? , she felt a terrible pang in her heart. Zechs: She suffered a cardiac arrest, and was spared the horrors of this fic. Ryoko: She was buried with honors, and the MST group got out of the theater early. Bryan: You wish. Sit down. At midnight, she would be eighteen years old. Bryan: (grudgingly): OK, at least they let her grow some before they messed with her. Ryoko: It's still Sasami. I can't look at her without seeing that cute little pink-eyed kid I met on Ryu-oh. Vegeta: And how she called you "older lady". Ryoko: Keep it up, funny man. You're no spring chicken yourself. Glyph: Hey-Any kid around the ages of six to eight will think anyone except other kids are old. Ryoko and Vegeta pause, then sit back in their seats. At the next midnight after that, Tsunami would come to her, and they would become one. Bryan: I do NOT like where this is heading. Glyph: Wasn't one of Peter Suzuki's top ten ideas for fan fics that should never be written where the bonding between Sasami and Tsunami required an involved lemon scene? Bryan: I would like to personally thank Peter Suzuki for giving them all these ideas. Rei, is that photon torpedo locked on Anime Port #9 yet? Rei: What photon torpedo? You sold them all for the reclining seats you're in now. Bryan: Oh yeah. Vegeta: What's so special about these chairs that they would have cost our whole arsenal? Bryan: Well, they recline at the touch of a button, have internal heat for cold days, a massage feature, and a little fridge on the side for you refreshments. Vegeta: I'm sorry I asked. Glyph: They *are* comfy. REBB: A bit small, though. Yet Sasami was reconciled to this, and indeed the idea filled her not with fear but with a sense of longing. Zechs: Oh no. Here we go. 'Twas a consumation devoutly to be wished. The pain she felt came not from what would happen, but what could not ever happen afterwards. Bryan: What? No more looking in the mirror and thinking, "I am Kawaii." She would never again be alone with one she loved. Tsunami would always be there with them. And that gave her cause to grieve. Washu: Now, I'm no expert on bonding, but I've met numerous life forms over the years, and bonded creatures act as one entity. They do not act like they're split personalities. Bryan: But, see, if they did that, then the author would lose the frail footing for this bad idea. Ryoko: Still, they're already partly bonded. It's not like she has any privacy anyways. Tsunami already knows everything she does. But from grief, she passed soon to resolution. Taking a deep breath, she picked up the dinner she'd cooked, and took it out to the dining room where the others were waiting. Zechs: Um, what resolution was it? Bryan: I have a sinking feeling we're about to find out. Ryouko and Ayeka were once again sniping at each other about some petty issue, Ryoko: MY ISSUES ARE NOT PETTY!!!! Glyph: (shouting) You don’t have to shout! Ryoko: I'M NOT SHOUTING!!!! Bryan: (sigh): Why did I put her on my group? Was it to punish myself? while Mihoshi regaled a bored-looking Washuu with some wild tale, Zechs(as Mihoshi): We set out with that "Death or glory spirit!". Vegeta: You do that too well. much to Kiyone's annoyance. Ryo-oh-ki was staring tearfully at her empty supper dish. Of those resident at the Masaki home, only Grandfather Youshou, Father Nobuyuki and Tenchi himself were nowhere to be seen. Ryoko: Wait, Rei said this was a Sasami lemon, right? Bryan: Yeah. So? Ryoko: So...where are the male characters? The absence of the former two surprised her not, for Nobuyuki had been called into the city on some desperate business for a client, while Youshou was spending the night at the shrine on some sort of important vigil. Vegeta: That answer your question, Ryoko? Ryoko: Shut up. Tenchi, on the other hand ... "Where's Tenchi-niichan?" Sasami asked as she set the meal down on the table. Kiyone looked up. "Apparently, there's something wrong with the carrots, and he had to go and check them out." Vegeta: That cabbit again... Ryoko: Hey, you got a problem with my ship, you take it up with ME! Washu: Hey! I created her. . . And I can turn you into a kawaii Togopei. Vegeta: Any time. Any where. I take the both of you at once. Sasami sighed as she set down Ryo-chan's dinner, much to the cabbit's joy. Tenchi's absence both irritated and relieved her. She hadn't been sure if she would be able to say what she wanted to say if he were there, but his absence meant that she'd wasted a good worry. Ryoko: Isn't "good worry" a contradiction in terms? Bryan: Nah. I do it all the time. It's what we jittery people do, y'know. Washu: I have a cure for that. Bryan: No thanks. She took her seat at the table, and held back until everyone began to say "Itte-" before interrupting with a single cry of "Wait!" "What's the matter, Sasami?" Ayeka asked, startled. Zechs(as Sasami): I just realized that this is a lemon fic, and we need to get out of it now. "We're hungry!" Ryouko protested. "Let's eat, and then we can discuss whatever it is." "This won't wait, Ryouko-neechan," Sasami replied, turning on the tears just a little bit. Ryoko: I always wondered if she could control that. Zechs: Like her mother, you mean? Ukyo: Oh. You know Misaki? Zechs: Bryan introduced me and Vegeta to her the other day. She nearly broke all my ribs. Bryan: And that was just the first hug....(shudder) REBB: Should’ve seen when Washu introduced us, and what she did to me. Vegeta: What happened? REBB: [signaling] Let’s just say I had a nice hourglass figure for a while. "It's really important." Ryouko subsided, looking irritated but not really angry. Vegeta: You mean, there's a difference for her? Ryoko mallets Vegeta. "As you all know," Sasami began. "Tomorrow is my eighteenth birthday. Tomorrow night, Tsunami and I will become one." Zechs: And thanks to some schmuck at AnimePort # 9, it ain't gonna be pretty. There was a faint gasp from everyone present. They'd all been expecting this for a while now, but to have it stated so bluntly came as a bit of a shock. Bryan: It's at times like these that I miss Ryga. "Sasami," Ayeka began in her quiet, serious tone. "I know that you are probably a bit scared of what will happen when you become one with Tsunami, but I want you to know one thing. No matter what happens, or what you become, you will always be my little sister, and I will always love you." Bryan: I hope that's a plutonic statement. Ryoko: Not even Ayeka is that messed up. Cypher: She WAS going to marry her brother. Ryoko: Hmmmmm. Sasami smiled brightly. "Thank you very much, oneesan," she replied. "But ... I will be a bit different, after tomorrow." "Howcum?" Ryoko: I don't like the way that's spelled. Cypher: Author’s sick humor, gotta love it. Bryan(to Glyph): Is he *always* like that? Glyph (to Bryan): He’s being sarcastic, even if it don’t show. Ryouko replied, staring hungrily at the quickly cooling meal. "You already look just like her, y'know. How'll you be so different?" She weighed a few possible ways to tell her the answer to that, then decided to return bluntness for bluntness. "Well, just for starters, I won't be a virgin anymore." All: -_-' Dead silence. All: .....NO SHIT! "I'm sorry," Kiyone began in the same quiet, measured, reasoned tone that she used at the very start of some of her conversations with Mihoshi. "I could have sworn you just said that after you join with Tsunami, you won't be a virgin anymore. Ryoko: You're not imagining it, Kiyone. Zechs(as Rod Serling): You are no longer in the normal world. You are entering a world of moans and gasps, of exaggerated fluid deposits, and of illogically written erotic encounters. There's a signpost up ahead. Next stop: The Lemon Zone. Bryan, REBB01, Cypher, and Vegeta hum Twilight Zone music. Now, why would merging your consciousness with Tsunami's cause that to change?" Bryan: Because Peter Suzuki should have known that when you tell someone that something's in bad taste, there's going to be at least ONE person sick enough to do it. "Because I'm not going to just merge my consciousness with Tsunami's consciousness," Sasami replied. "I've known for a while now that this would be a true union, of mind and soul ... and body." Bryan: I haven't even touched the snacks yet, and I still think I might throw up. More dead silence. "You mean, in order to join with Tsunami ..." Ayeka began. "... you and she are going to have sex with each other?" Ryouko finished, looking by turns fascinated and appalled. Mostly appalled. Ryoko: At least I'm in character for this! "Yes. But before that happens..." Sasami said, then paused for a moment, before dramatically continuing. "I want to have sex with all of you." All: 0_0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bryan: Ok, Sasami with Tsunami was bad enough. I mean, at it's best, it's a lame masturbation reference. But...Sasami with EVERYONE!!! Ryoko: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Zechs: Urp. Glyph: Hand me the bottle, I remembered that drinking during a Sasami Lemon is a good thing. Bryan: Only if you hand me that rope. I just remembered that hanging during a Sasami lemon is a good thing. Vegeta: Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!!!! Again, dead silence. Then tumult. After a short period of confused shouting, Ryouko's voice finally managed to dominate. "What the *hell* brought this on?" Ryoko: Still IC, thank God! Sasami waited for the noise to die down a bit before replying. "I just recently realized that after I become one with Tsunami, I will never be alone again. I'll never be able to have sex with someone without realizing that there's someone or something else watching else watching both of us. And I don't want to lose that experience, so this is my last chance. Bryan: Ok, who stole the quotation mark? REBB: Vegeta has it. He's making an ascii. Vegeta: -_-" Ryoko: Double sweatdrops, Vegeta? YOU? Vegeta: It's disturbing, ok! "Well, great, but why us?" Kiyone snapped. "Because I love you all." Ryoko: I'm flattered. Go douse yourself with ice water! Washu: I can perscribe a nice tranquilizer! "Sasami!" Ayeka snapped. "By now you ought to know that loving someone does not always mean that you desire them sexually. For example, you may love me, but in my case it is a sisterly love rather than desire for intimate --" "But it is, oneesan." Ryoko:!! Urp. >SPEW< [The Jedri crew move their feet.] Bryan: Ryoko, the pails, next time, huh? Vegeta: I'm soooo greatful that Saiya-jin were much more sensible in their mating habits. Bryan: Yeah. I can see where boinking any old girl would be better. Vegeta: You have a ki level of 7. Do you really want to pick a fight with me? Bryan: Sure. If you crush me like the bug I am, then I get out of this. REBB: IF we gotta suffer, you gotta suffer. Ayeka stopped in mid-rant. "What?" she asked weakly. Bryan: If one of MY siblings told me they desired me, I'd feel ill and be at a loss for words too. Sasami clutched her hands in front of her breasts. "Oh yes! I've always thought you were so *sexy*!" Almost as sexy as Ryouko-neechan, she carefully did not think. REBB: Because if she thought, she might realize that this fic made no sense. Bryan: Like any lemon does? Vegeta: It's possible to write sex in a story and not have people out of character, y'know. Bryan: Yes, as an aspiring writer, I realize this. However, a group orgy with Sasami and all the other girls does not qualify as IC. Vegeta: I never said it was IC. I'm just saying, not all lemons have to have deep bass music playing in the background! "Sometimes I couldn't get to sleep because you were so close to me!" "You have?" Ayeka asked. "I mean you couldn't? I mean I was? What?" she concluded, still weakly. "Sasami-chan," Washuu raised her voice for the first time that evening. "Has it occurred to you that while you may want to have sex with each of us, some of us may not want to have sex with you?" Ryoko: Mom, I really need to start giving you more credit. Thank you. Washu: Thanks, hon, but right now I think the writer is definitely writing us OOC. Sasami nodded sadly. "And that will hurt me, a little, but I won't force anyone to do anything that they don't want to do. Bryan: Thank you. That Ayeka/Minagi thing gave me more than I could stomach of that. Especially after reading Kanashii no Imi. Vegeta: Leaf-chan did warn you that it was dark in the opening. Zechs: That wasn't dark. That was opaque. Glyph: You can say that again. Zechs: That wasn't dark. That was opaque. Cypher: She's gonna kill you, you know. But I really do want to show you how much I feel for all of you before everything changes." "Okay, I'll be happy to," Mihoshi cheerfully objected. Except that wasn't an objection, now was it? All facefault. Vegeta: Wouldn't that qualify as taking advantage of someone with diminished capacity. Bryan: Yeah! Sasami isn't in her right mind, what with the stress of the bonding! Cypher: Not to mention having hormones in overdrive. . . Vegeta: I meant Mihoshi. "Mihoshi!" Kiyone gasped. "Well, since she wants to, and she's legal now, it's no more wrong than the two of us having sex, and you like it when we do that, don't you, Kiyone?" Mihoshi asked, her eyes wide and guileless. Bryan: Ok, now we're getting out of hand. Kiyone wouldn't stoop to doing anything so stupid. Zechs(as Sasami): Kiyone and Mihoshi are doing naughty things. Ryoko: Oh, like what? Zechs(as Sasami): Each other. Bryan: Old joke. Glyph: (Chinese philosopher) Joke have long beard. Vegeta gives Glyph a strange look. Kiyone's eyes got wide as well, with shock and fury. "I told you a thousand times never to tell anyone about that!" Bryan: The only way Mihoshi could keep a secret is if she was dead. Ryoko: And even then, I'd have my doubts. "Huh," Ryouko said, still looking mildly shocked, but calming down. "I didn't know you two fooled around, Kiyone. I thought you liked barely-pubescent boys." Ryoko: Waitaminutehere! Kiyone's never once expressed an interest in my Tenchi! Vegeta: Since when was he yours? Ryoko: Since the end of Tenchi Muyo in Love 2! Glyph: She's got you there. Zechs: And the score is Ryoko 1, Vegeta 0. "I *do*!" Kiyone snapped in reply. "But ... I ..." She slowly trailed off as she realized what she'd just admitted as everyone stopped staring at Mihoshi and started staring at her. Sasami coughed delicately. "*Anyway*! After I make breakfast tomorrow, I'm going to the bath-house. I will wait patiently, and I am willing to be with any of you in any order. But at midnight ... Tsunami comes. Hopefully quite a few times, if I've learned a bit in the meanwhile, but that's up to you now isn't it?" Bryan: Ummm, anyone wanna touch that one? Zechs: Not even with a ten foot pole. Vegeta: Uh-uh. Not me. Ukyo: No way, Jose’ Ryoko: I can't think of anything to say that wouldn't make it worse. She stood up, and started to walk out of the room. Suddenly, Ryouko and Ayeka spoke in a single voice. "Hey, wait a minute! What about Tenchi?" Zechs(as Ayeka): Yeah. You heard us. You can't do a really LOUSY lemon until you throw in Tenchi! Ryoko: Zechs, do that again, and I'll cut off your head and show you your own decapitated body before your brain is fully dead. Sasami paused as her face turned panicky for a moment, then smoothed over as she turned to look back at them. "Well, I love Tenchi-niichan too, but since he's not here and I don't really want to go through this again, Vegeta: Neither do we! I guess I won't have sex with him unless in some utterly unlikely turn of events Bryan: i.e., this is a stupid lemon he stumbles into the bathhouse tomorrow before it's too late," she said in a rush, then breathed deeply for a few moments as she started planning a way to get a note to him inviting him to come see her. The usual duo looked suspicious, but said nothing as Sasami made her escape. Eventually, they turned that suspicious look on each other, and finally the others. Ryoko: OK, which one of you was showing Sasami Nobiyuki's video collection?! "I do hope you were joking when you agreed to this plan, Mihoshi," Ayeka said slowly. Zechs: That would require a degree more intelligence than she is noted for having. "Well, no, I urk," Mihoshi thoughtfully replied as Ayeka's hands closed around her throat. Ryoko: Need help, Ayeka? I can kill her, and make all our lives easier. "You will *not* have sex with my little sister! Am I understood? *Not*! I do not care if the law says that she's old enough to make up her own mind, she's not old enough to have sex until after *I* start having sex!" Zechs: The sisterly concern is touching. Bryan: The sad thing is, if this were TV. Ayeka, that statement isn't so unimagineable. "You know, you could kill two birds with one stone this way," Ryouko opined as Kiyone pulled the frothing princess off her partner. Ryoko: What sort of hentai are they making me out to be?! Bryan: Take a deep breath, count to ten, and if that doesn't help, blast Vegeta. Vegeta: Wha...? Ryoko: 12345678910! BLAM!!! Vegeta (charred): What was that for!? Bryan: You're the most indestructible thing in here. I didn't want her blowing out a bulkhead. Vegeta: I'll get you for this later, you know. REBB: And I thought *I* had it tough. "Shut *up*." "What about you, Washuu?" Ryouko asked her mother, who hadn't said a word since she raised her one objection, but was looking strangely contemplative. "You're not going to do something like that, are you?" Washuu grinned. "That is a secret, as your father always used to say to say to me when I asked him if it'd been good for him." Vegeta(glances at Ryoko): Your father is Xellos! Ryoko: HE IS NOT! Washu: I have better taste than THAT! Still more dead silence. Then more tumult, before Washuu finally convinced Ryouko that she'd been making a joke. Washu and Ryoko: See! * * * Night fell. Bryan: It landed on the writer, killing him instantly. Thus, the lemon peril was over. Ryoko: How many times DID you watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail before coming here? Bryan:^_^ That is a secret. Cypher: Bryan, if you make one more Xellos reference, I’ll. . . Glyph: Do it, and I’ll use you for Taro’s diaper. Cypher: Shutting up. Bryan:(suddenly going SuperSaiya-jin): No no. You were saying, Cypher? Washu: How did you do that? Bryan: I have nanoprobes in my transporter matrix. I can duplicate the powers of anyone on the ship. It has a tendency to do so. Ryouko couldn't sleep. Instead, she silently teleported through the household, without any real destination in mind. Yet she could not really claim to be surprised by the fact that she wound up in the bathhouse. Ryoko: NO! NO! NO! I would not have gone there for anything, with something like that going on! Zechs(as Ryoga): Where on Earth am I NOW? Ukyo: That’s close, but this is what Ryoga really sounds like. [with echo] WHERE ON EARTH AM I NOOWWWWWWWW? Rei: Hey, that’s good. Ukyo: You don’t hear him as often as I do. Nor was she much surprised when Ayeka arrived a few moments later, walking. "You can't sleep either, I take it?" Ryoko: Nope. Tried warm milk, counting sheep, boffing Tenchi... "Nope," Ryouko replied, dipping a toe in the water. She sighed. "Where the hell did this *come* from? I mean, don't you people have a normal set of values about this kind of thing?" Vegeta: You're asking a group that permits incest about its "values"? Glyph: Or what's normal? Ayeka shrugged, though her face looked worried. "What's normal? If you mean the incestuous feelings that she confessed to me ... well, you should remember that I did fully intend to marry my half-brother, and no one objected. Our father was even in favor of the idea. Zechs: In fact, as Ayeka herself stated, he arranged for it in the first place! Glyph: It happens in other cultures on Earth even, so don’t hack it. "Jurai's highly advanced genetic technology can ensure that the potentially crippling birth defects which might arise from the mating of close kin *don't* arise. While sexual congress between parent and an immature child is strongly frowned upon -- because it is difficult to prove consensuality -- I have heard a few stories about grown children making the choice to take a parent as a lover. Similar relationships between siblings aren't uncommon, even between `full' siblings. Bryan(reading through a copy of Jurai: The Culture): Um, no child and parent is still strictly prohibited. Sibling to sibling is royal elitist, similar to the old royal families of medieval times, and the Roman empire. And sex before marriage is strictly frowned upon. "Basically, as long as it's consensual, anything goes," Ayeka concluded. "Now, if you meant the homosexual element -- I haven't the faintest idea. While my mother has been pillowfriends with Mother Funaho longer than I've been alive, Bryan: Alright, I admit, I've never seen the subtitled version of the Tenchi Muyo series, but there was nothing I saw in the dubbed to indicate that Funaho and Misaki were anything more than the wives of Azuza and good friends. Ryoko: They're married to the same guy for several centuries. Don't tell me it doesn't happen. Zechs: All I know is, I am not gay, I do not sleep with my sister, and I have a beautiful girlfriend who thinks I'm dead, and that ticks me off. Bryan: Don't worry. At the end of Endless Waltz, you and she go off to populate Mars together. Vegeta: Zechs, you stud. Got her all alone on the red planet. Glyph: I wish I could do the same with Andrew, but ever since we met these guys we’ve hardly have had a moment alone. it's not common knowledge. I only found out under rather distressing circumstances, Bryan: So, like a lot of unfortunate kids, she walked in on her parents. Vegeta: Personal experience? Bryan: Thankfully, no. I was always too scared of the monster under the bed to dare leaving my room late at night. Vegeta: YOU were afraid of monsters under the bed? >chuckle< Just then something that looked like a cross between one of the Aliens and a pterodactyl came into the room. It hissed at Vegeta, then left. Vegeta(shaking): WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT???? Bryan(sighs): That was the monster under my bed. His name is Biff. He's not so bad, once you get to know him, but you wouldn't guess from his looks, would you? Glyph:[fanning her hand] Or his breath! REBB01: (sighs) Ahhh, nothing like the smell of fresh carrion in the morning. and it is *never* discussed in the Palace. Ever. As far as I knew that she knows, none of her friends or family are homosexually or bisexually inclined." "So in other words, she doesn't know about the two of us, then." All: 0_0 Ryoko: Waitaminute! What do you mean, the "two of us"? Bryan: Uh-oh. Zechs: Geez. Is everyone doing everyone in this fic? "Of course not!" Ayeka snapped. "*I* have never revealed the shame of our first meeting to anyone. "There I was, alone and friendless as my car drove through the streets of some alien world. I was naive and innocent then. All: >SNORT< Vegeta: (suppressing urge to laugh): Riiiiiight. Cypher: So, they were rolling around when Ryoko was blasting Jurai? How was I to know that the girl on the streets, asking if I wanted to be shown a good time, would do *filthy* things to me in exchange for --" "You're full of it!" Ryouko sneered. "That's not what happened! "There was I, alone, *poor* and friendless on the streets of some alien world. I was naive and innocent then. Ryoko: One word out of any one of you (makes slashing motion across her throat)...Get it? Others: We get it. We get it. How was I to know that the girl in the big car, offering me that money that I so desperately needed, would want to make me do *filthy* things for --" "You liar!" Bryan: Ok, so Tsunami is here... Zechs: But we're doing a T.V. reference? REBB: Don't try to think about it. You'll only end up more confused. Ryoko: The voice of experience. "Weasel!" "Hypocrite!" "Bitch!" "Slut!" "Are you as turned on as I am?" Ryouko finally snarled. Ryoko: 'Cause if you are, then you never want to have sex again in your life! "More!" Ayeka snapped, and they lunged at each other and began fumbling towards ecstasy. Ryoko: The author of this fic is getting his genitalia handed to him. Zechs: How do you know the author is a "he"? Ryoko: Because only you men are this diseased and perverted. Rei(on speakers): You're starting to sound like Asuka. Glyph[arms crossed]: I think Asuka may have been right. * * * Kiyone couldn't sleep. It was probably just as well, since Mihoshi couldn't sleep either, and so what she was doing would have just woken Kiyone up anyway. "I don't know about this," Kiyone muttered. "It just seems ... wrong." "Mmm?" Mihoshi asked, her mouth full. Bryan: You know, as much as I like yuri, I still think that's disturbing. Glyph: Bryan, as much as we like you, we didn’t need to know that. Ukyo: [grabbing a spatula] Ditto. Bryan: Oops. Spoke out loud when I meant to shut up...heh. Cypher: We've all learned better. Zechs: There's a difference between Bound... Bryan: Decent film. Ryoko: Now THAT'S a contradiction in terms! Bryan: MTV didn't think so. Zechs: And pairing up Mihoshi with a decent woman like Kiyone. "I don't *know* what seems wrong about it! I mean, she's cute. Really cute. Really, really cute. Really -- but I don't like girls that way!" Zechs: Soooo, you do Mihoshi to ...what? Punish yourself? Vegeta: Please don't go there. Too many people do. "Mmm," Mihoshi replied, sounding disbelieving. "I don't! I wouldn't do it with you if I wasn't sure you'd whine and cry if I didn't!" "Mmm!" "Would you stop eating spaghetti and talk to me like a regular person!" Kiyone finally snapped. Bryan: Oh thank God. That could have been soooo sickening. "But I'm hungry!" whined Mihoshi as she swallowed the noodles and turned off the television. "And I'm need to have lots of energy for when I have sex with Sasami-chan tomorrow!" Bryan: Spoke too soon. Urp. "You're still bent on doing it, aren't you?" Kiyone asked disgustedly. "Even though Ayeka made it clear that it's worth your life to --" Ryoko: Ayeka isn't the only one who'd kill her. Bryan: WHY DO YOU PEOPLE DO THESE THINGS? Sasami isn't some porn queen you perverts!!!!! She's the INNOCENT one!!! "Well yeah! I mean, what's my life to Sasami-chan's happiness?" Before Kiyone could parse an answer to that question, Mihoshi continued. "And besides, you want to do it too." Vegeta: I find that hard to believe. Kiyone sat straight up in bed. "What are you talking about? What makes you think I want --" "The really wrinkled copy of Empress Misaki's `Playbeing' centerfold that I found in your apartment. Bryan: Ryoko? Ryoko: Not a chance. Misaki is too...proper, believe it or not. Zechs: Besides, Azuza would have the publisher killed if those pictures ever got out. You probably had a teenage crush on her, and since her daughter looks just a lot like her --" Bryan: "Just" and "alot" are two different categories, ya dumb schmuck writer! "How do you *know* these things?" Kiyone finally screamed after staring in disbelief for several moments while Mihoshi explained. "I know everything about you, Kiyone. I love you." That said, Mihoshi turned back to eating. Vegeta: The only way this could possibly get any worse, since I KNOW the writer is going to get Tenchi involved somehow, is if Ryo-ohki got in on this. Ryoko: That would be a lack of taste to rival Tank Cop. Bryan: Or 10 o' Clock Assassin. Ukyo: Or mixing your cooking with Akane’s, Ryoko. Glyph: Noooooo. . . that’s not tasteless, that’s dangerous. REBB: Ryoko, sorry, but your food CAN walk on it’s own. Ryoko: HEY! That was Washu's cooking, thank you! Washu:(mock crying) My daughter doesn't appreciate my cooking. Zechs: If it happens, I'm holding YOU responsible, Vegeta. Glyph: So am I. Kiyone stared at her a few seconds more before collapsing back to her bed. "If the Galaxy Police find out about this, my career will be over just as surely as if *I'd* posed for `Playbeing'." Bryan: In a universe as progressive as this? Surely not? Ryoko: Well, the GP are held to a higher standard after all. "Mmm." "So why am I gonna do it anyway?" Bryan: Because this is a lemon, and if you didn't, the author would run out of material? Zechs: You mean, there's material here NOW? * * * Washuu couldn't sleep. Of course, she didn't need to sleep. So instead she set up a small nanofactory dedicated to producing sex-toys for the orgy she'd choreographed in her mind, and watched and cackled as they piled up. Bryan(as narrator): Tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow, she would finally get THAT sample from Tenchi. Washu: What makes you think I haven’t all ready? Zechs: Too Much Info, Washu-chan. After all, she was the greatest genius in the galaxy, and the Universal Kama Sutra was merely the introduction to *her* sexual experience ... Vegeta: I STILL have to buy that book. Washu: Here. I'm done with my copy. Bryan: Hey, Vegeta, I wanna borrow that when you're done. Zechs: Is nothing sacred? Glyph: >sigh< Unfortunately, no. * * * Sasami couldn't sleep. She was horny. So she did what any horny teenage girl, alone in her room at night, does. Bryan: I don't wanna know! I don't wanna know! Ryoko: She douses herself with ice water, and then goes to sleep! Washu: As this writer is going, YOU WISH, comes to mind, dear. Ukyo: Hey, some of us really don’t care. Washu: Well, excuse me, you keep getting mistaken for a guy. [Ukyo starts to get up, ready to fight, but Glyph signals.] Glyph: NEXT PERSON WHO FIGHTS IN OUR GROUP GETS TO CLEAN PLASMA INJECTORS, SO SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN! Her hand stilled as she heard the door to the bedroom shift open, and her heart skipped a beat as she wondered if her older sister had come back from wherever her nights wanderings had taken her; Ryoko: Like she'd ever sleep in the same room again? Bryan: I know I wouldn't. Glyph: I'd find another HOUSE somewhere. if she would discover that her not-so-innocent-as-all-that sister was petting the kitten; if that would finally make the lustful demon that slept in Ayeka's soul break free ... Ooh, yum-yum thought. Bryan: Ooh, naughty naughty author. Glyph: [sticking finger down throat] Real smooth. Slowly, Sasami turned to look in the direction of the door. "Mya," whispered Ryo-oh-ki. All turn evil glances at Vegeta, who has, himself, turned rather green. Sasami flushed, and sat up. "What's the matter, Ryo-chan?" Bryan(as Ryo-Ohki): Sasami, quick. Change into Pretty Sammy and get us out of this story! Instead of replying verbally, the cabbit closed her eyes and seemed to squat in on herself, trembling violently from the edges of her long whiskers to the end of her tail. Ryoko: She's gonna blow! Vegeta: Think about what you said, just now. Ryoko:...ARGH! Ukyo: You walked into that one. For a brief moment, Sasami wondered if Ryo-oh-ki might be trying to indicate that she had some sort of cabbit constipation, and then with a popping sound, the cabbit transformed. Bryan: When did we hit Beast Machines? [Suddenly there is the sound of three coconuts banging together, then Ryoko, Zechs , and Bryan separate, rubbing their sore cabezas. REBB grins slightly in menacing way.] Bryan:(Going SuperSaiya-jin again): REBB, do I have to pluck every last one of your feathers and tar them back on? Ryoko: I'd help. Not into the vast and terrible space-ship, nor into the little girl form that she used from time to time, but into the adult form that she had worn only once. The one that looked like a slightly duskier version of Ryouko. Need it be said that she was quite naked? Bryan: No. It needn't be said. In fact, let's say she's fully clothed, and wants to go to the kitchen for a snack. Zechs: You're living in a fantasy world, Bryan, if you think that has a chance in hell of happening here. "Ryo-chan!" Sasami gasped. "I thought you couldn't do that without help!" "Mya," the punny-girl explained. (Punny=pussy+bunny, the diminutive of cabbit=cat+rabbit.) "It's hard, and you can only keep it up for a little while? And you don't know if you could do it if there was more than one person present?" "Mya!" came the confirmation. "So you don't think that you'd be able to go to the bathhouse with me tomorrow, since you think everyone else will be there too?" Sasami continued, beginning to tear up. Bryan: No. Don't let the others be there too. Vegeta: And don't do this, either. Two great tears dripped down from Ryo-oh-ki's eyes. "But ... but you like me so much that you want ... oh, Ryo-chan!" she said. Indeed, for the next hour or so, that was all that she said, although she varied it from time to time, so that, for a given five minute period, she might be saying, "Oh! Oh! Ryo-chan! Oh, Ryo-chan! Oh! Oh, Ryo-chan! Ryo-chan! Oh! Oh! Ohhhh! Ryo-chan! Ooooooooooooh, Ryooooooooooo-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" Zechs: It is official. This is one of the sickest things I've ever seen. Vegeta: The worst part of all isn't that she had sex with a cabbit. [The others stare at him wide-eyed.] Bryan: What do you mean? Vegeta: The worst part is she lost her VIRGINITY to a cabbit!!!! Bryan: OH GOD! Did you *have* to point that out to us?! Ukyo: Urp! Glyph: Jeez, man. Give it a break. * * * Tenchi slept. He'd had a long day. Ryoko: HE'S had a long day? I don't even want to hear it! His Sasami-neechan didn't ask him to have sex with her. Bryan: Sasami's room is just down the hall from his. How did he not hear that? Cypher: How did any of them not hear it? Vegeta: Ayeka and Ryoko are out, as are Nobiyuki and Yosho. Tenchi sleeps like a brick. Washuu is in the lab. And Mihoshi and Kiyone are probably in their apartment. If he'd known that tomorrow would be even worse, he wouldn't have slept more soundly. He'd have left the country. Bryan: Nice to know someone is still in character here. To Be Continued ... All:Boo! Vegeta: Maybe it never got finished. Rei(on speakers): You wish. The other two parts are here as well. Bryan: What? What about an intermission or something. Rei: Like I'd ever get you back in the theater for more of this one? Fat chance. Glyph: Yeah, but some of us have to pee, you know! Rei: The door on your left is a built in restroom. We added it after *someone* revealed that they had a weak constitution. All the Drummond Crew at once: IT WASN'T MY FAULT! Rei: Just don't stay in there too long. It's programmed to shock anyone who tries to use it as a refuge from MSTing. Chris Davies, Advocate for Darkness, Part Time Champion of Light Fanfics: http://www.fortunecity.com/tattooine/banks/277/ Fanfic Revolution: http://come.to/hauthor "I love you too. Why the hell else do you think I keep doing this?" -- Warren Ellis. Bryan: So that's who to blame!!!! Ryoko: And I thought fans of Warren Ellis would have better taste. Cypher: Right. Sure. Whatever. Tenchi Muyou: Union Part Two Ryoko: Please Rei!!!! LET US OUT! I'm begging you! Rei: Sorry. The lock was set when you guys went in. It'd take a dozen phaser rifles to get you out. Zechs: So do it! Rei: Bryan sold all the phaser rifles for the refreshments. Bryan: Now I know I didn't do that. Rei: Well...ok, you told me to get them any way I could. So *I* sold the phaser rifles for the refreshments. Washu: Thanks ever so much Rei. . . Rei: ^_^ You're welcome. As the sun began to rise, Sasami was still cuddling with Ryo-oh-ki. However, since the cabbit had reverted to her "cabbit" form, it was a non-sexual type cuddling. The fact that she was pressed between Sasami's fulsome breasts, whiskers teasing her nipples with every breath the eighteen-year old princess took, meant nothing. Really. Vegeta: Like we believe that. "Mya myaa mi-ya, mya," Ryo-oh-ki opined. "I'd like it if I could have gotten a letter to Ken-oh-ki and Nagi, too," Bryan: That's TV reference number 2. Ukyo: You know, people shouldn't write Tenchi Fan Fics if they can't get their continuity straight. Bryan: AHEM! Ukyo: What? Oh...right...that whole "No Need For Multiple Continuities" thing. Sorry. But at least YOU know who goes to what continuity! Bryan: Better. Sasami replied sadly. Her sorrow vanished as a dreamy grin crossed her face at the thought of the deadly yet utterly sexy bounty hunter. "I would have *really* liked that ..." Bryan: Given the rumors about Nagi, I'm sure she would have too. Cypher: Don't give the author an opening. Vegeta: Yeah. Besides, I'm not too comfortable with the way Nagi kept eyeing Sasami in that one episode. "Myaaaaaa," Ryo-oh-ki sighed. "Say ... can Ken-chan --" "Mya!" "-- Ken-oh-ki, sorry, can Ken-oh-ki assume a humanoid form too?" Bryan: Please dear god in heaven no. Ryo-oh-ki managed to look sheepish. "Mya. Mya MYAAAAA mya-mya." "*That* much bigger than Tenchi-niichan?" Sasami asked, eyes even wider than usual. "Boy, I'm *really* sorry now ..." Zechs(as guy from South Park): You Americans have such large penis. Bryan: You are forbidden to watch that show anymore. REBB: How do Sasami and Ryo-Ohki know how big Tenchi is? Ryoko: Oh, come on. Everyone in that house has seen Tenchi naked. Stop and think about OAV#4. Tenchi fights the water demon I made, and he's wearing pants. But when he awakes later on, he's wearing his undies. Bryan: Sooooo, you and Ayeka couldn't resist taking a peek when he was unconscious? Once again, the sound of the door to the bedroom sliding open caused her to momentarily stiffen into paralysis, but this time merely from panic than the heady mixture of panic and arousal. Sasami carefully shifted under her futon covers so that her older sister wouldn't see her nudity, not to mention the fuzzy-whatsit clutched to her bosom. Ryoko: It's not a whatsit. It's a cabbit! Ayeka entered slowly, moving as though something had hit her lower body repeatedly and with great force. Zechs: I thought Ayeka liked to be on the giving end of that equation. Ryoko: Like I'd let her anywhere near me with that damn whip. Her royal robes were somewhat disorganized, and came off far too quickly before she collapsed beneath the covers of her own futon. "Oneesan?" Sasami whispered. Ayeka's delicate and ladylike snore was her only reply. "Boy, Ryouko-neechan must have given her a real workout this time," Sasami mused. All: 0_0. Bryan: Ok, how long has SHE known. Ryoko: One more reference to that damn arrow scene, and I swear, the girls will call you "Stumpy". Jedri crew: WHAT ARROW SCENE? Bryan: In the Tenchi Universe, the Episode Time and Space Adventures Part 2, the cast is sucked into an alternate reality, and Ayeka and Ryoko are schoolgirls fighting over Tenchi. Enter Magical Girl Pretty Sammy, who shoots them with her magic arrows, and the two rivals fall into an embrace. Fanboys have taken to calling the attack "Lesbian Arrows of Love". Glyph: [smacking fist into other hand] Oh, yeah. Ryoko: I WARNED YOU!!!! [attacks Bryan with energy sword. Bryan blocks with a sword of his own.] Bryan: Like I said, I can copy ALL your powers. ^_^. "Myaaa." Long pause. "You've never ..." "... mya." "Ooh, you ecchi little thing!" Ryoko: This whole damn story is ecchi. When I get my hands on the pervert hentai freak who wrote it.... * * * There was something very strange going on, Tenchi mused as he ate breakfast. There was a strange tension in the air, one almost like the one just before any major celebration in his life, but it didn't seem to be focused on him. All: Thank God! That was actually a rather refreshing change. All: Sigh Still, he couldn't quite understand it, and that bothered him. So he just watched as Kiyone followed Sasami with her eyes as the electric-blue-haired girl wolfed down her morning meal, wondering what was going through Kiyone's mind. He watched as Mihoshi hummed while eating her own breakfast at a pace which would do Ryouko proud, and wondered what she might need all that energy for. Ryoko: AHEM! That's Mihoshi's NORMAL eating pace, thank you very much. Glyph: Yeah. He watched as Ryouko and Ayeka played an unusual version of their usual bicker-game -- Ayeka kept watching the demon-girl out of the corner of her eye, and whenever Ryouko gave any indication that she knew the princess was watching, Ayeka would flush and look away -- and wondered what they were up to this time. Vegeta: Run, Tenchi. Run far, far away!!!! It was all very mysterious. Bryan: Oooooooooooooooo! Cypher: Why is the song, “Who let the dogs out?” coming to mind? Bryan and Glyph: Cypher, shut up! Maybe it was some sort of feminine hygeine issue. That would explain the faintly maniacal expression on Washuu's face. Zechs: I thought Washuu always looked faintly maniacal. **Bang** Washu clobbers Zechs with a borrowed mallet. Fortunately for him, he wears a helmet. He stood up and said the usual concluding expression of thanks for the meal. "I've got to get to work on the carrots now. Yep, carrots, carrots and more carrots. Enough carrots to give a small nation incredible night vision. Whole acres of prime farmland, devoted exclusively to carrots. And I'm the only one who does any farm work around here. So if I don't do this, *someone* will go hungry." All: Gee. I wonder who it could be. Vegeta: Still, that does sound rather out of character for Tenchi. Bryan: What's worse is, the onsen is right near the carrot fields, if memory serves. Ukyo: The writer is sure taking liberties on characters. Zechs: Could be worse. The writer could be taking liberties *with* the characters. Bryan: After Kanashii no Imi, we don't need another self insert lemon. To her credit, Ryo-oh-ki did look a bit ashamed. "Have fun!" Mihoshi replied cheerfully. Tenchi sighed and turned to go. "Um ... Tenchi-niichan?" Sasami asked tentatively. "Yes, Sasami-chan?" he said, looking back at her. "Just be careful out there. That's all," Sasami quickly replied as Ryouko and Ayeka abandoned their game to give her a unified-front hostile look. Ryoko: That sneaky little... REBB: [muttering] Henti jerk. . . Bryan: It's not Sasami. Take a deep breath. Remember, it's all someone's bad idea of a cheap porn flick. He somehow knew, going out of the house, that it was going to be a very long day. He just didn't know *why*. Zechs: He never knows why. It's just always a very looooong day for that one. * * * Sasami sighed as she leaned back in the bathhouse, squeezing the sponge to let loose a small rain of hot water drip over her naked body. Why Ayeka and Ryouko got so jealous when anyone else expressed an interest in Tenchi was just beyond her, Bryan: Because she hadn't been watching the show. since she knew they'd been energetically boffing each other since at least one of their many "horrible first encounters". Maybe it was because without the veneer of competition over Tenchi, they'd have to admit that their relationship was founded on something more complicated, like mutual lust. Or mutual affection. Or a mix of the two. Ryoko: I am not gay. I am not gay. Vegeta: Methinks the lady doth protest too loudly. Bryan: HEY! I'll do the Shakespeare around here, if you don't mind. Washu: Anyone want to nuke the turkey after we get home? Bryan: Cool with me. Oh well, she thought as she started to play with herself, Bryan: Place the two of diamonds over the ace, and drawing another card from the deck. She'd have to thank them for teaching her solitaire later. Ryoko: Sorry. As a diversion, that was lame. Bryan(bows head): I know. it's not like it's my problem anyway. I wonder who'll show up first? Tenchi would probably be last, since it could take many hours for him to find the card she'd concealed in the carrot patch. But which of the ladies of the house would work up the courage first? Bryan: You know, she's gonna be real wrinkly if she stays in there too long. * * * Mihoshi tiptoed down the path to the bathhouse, clad only in a very short bathrobe and her usual hair ribbon. (At a very young age, she'd been told never to remove that ribbon or something terrible would happen. Unfortunately, the person who'd told her this had been her slightly loopy great-aunt, and the terrible thing that the old woman had foreseen had happened quite a few times. So far, Mihoshi hadn't actually *bred*, but it was only a matter of time. But she knew none of this, and so kept her ribbon on even during heated sex with persons of either gender. And hasn't this been a long digression? Don't worry, it's over.) Bryan: More...information...than we...needed. Glyph: Knock off the Shatner impersonation. Vegeta: That's not a Shatner impersonation. I gave him a spinal pinch for when he had Ryoko fry me. He's got all the motor control of a drunken Exxon captain. "And *where* precisely d'you think *you're* going?" Ayeka snapped as she stepped out from behind a tree into Mihoshi's path, only a few yards from the entrance to the bath-house. Zechs: I've always wondered how the hell they got in there when it was so high off the ground. Vegeta: I'm sure there's a complex explanation involved. Shall we ask Washuu, and have her tell you? Zechs: Never mind. My curiosity is suddenly and forever abated. Washu: So why don’t you want to ask? Zechs: I said Never mind! Mihoshi wasn't stupid. She knew at once that she had to think up a very good lie, very quickly. "Um ... I'm going to the bath-house so that Sasami-chan and I can have sex!" Ryoko(as Ayeka) : Oh good. I was worried for a moment. Wait.... No, Mihoshi wasn't stupid. Impulsive and utterly incapable of telling a lie, but not stupid. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. Zechs: That's why I was in charge of selecting OZ operatives. I had to weed out her kind, or the whole revolution would have been dead before it started. "You will *not* have sex with my little sister!" Ayeka shrieked. "I told you this already, and you are forcing me to take dire measures!" The princess began to pull up her sleeves. Ryoko: Give her what for, Princess! Mihoshi never quite knew what possessed her. Bryan: It...was...the...slug. Zechs: Huh? Ryoko: Poltergeist 2. Zechs: Oh. "Not even if you can go first?" she asked. Ayeka froze as her mind wheeled with flashbacks brought on by Mihoshi's innocently phrased statement. Vegeta: What sort of "flashbacks"? /"Okay," Ryouko said placatingly, "you can go first." She gestured at Tenchi's bedroom door./ /"You can go first," said Ayeka's chief upperclasswoman at the Interplanetary All-Girl Private School said as her clothes were torn from her in preparation for the initiation./ /"You can go first," her mother cheerfully told Funaho, and her co-wife fondly kissed her on the mouth before starting to fellate their husband, while Ayeka watched from the closet in shock./ /"You can go first," a much younger Ryouko told young Ayeka as she was pushed off the plank of a small sailing ship./ Bryan(fully recovered): That answer your question, Vegeta. Vegeta: Sadly, yes. And how did you recover so quickly? Bryan: ^_^ That is a secret. [Suddenly there is a scuffle as Glyph and REBB grab Cypher and attempt to sit on him. For once, he stayed calm, and they get off.] Cypher: I wasn’t gonna do ANYTHING! Shit, you realize that don’t work! Zechs: Are you a Mazoku, and we just don't know it. Vegeta: No way. His ki is too low. REBB: They can disguise it, you know. Bryan: Even if I were... All: WE KNOW, WE KNOW, IT WOULD BE A SECRET ^_^!!! Bryan: Awwwww. I wanted to say it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Ayeka finally shrieked as her mind returned to the present, hands stretching out to finally strangle the life out of someone who'd said that hateful combination of words to her. Bryan: YEAH! No Mihoshi/Sasami sex! All: Yeah! And there was much rejoicing. * * * Kiyone stepped out of the back door to the house, wearing a short bathrobe and a troubled expression. She still wasn't sure about this, but the anticipation was starting to become more than she could handle. And it would be completely out of character for Sasami to try and use anything that happened as blackmail material, so she was safe on that front at least. "So, off to go cherry picking?" Ryouko asked as she appeared from nowhere right in front of the teal-haired GP detective. Bryan: Oh no. This is gonna be baaaad. Vegeta: As Peter Suzuki would say, "EVIL". REBB: [old geezer]“EVIL.” On the other hand, it would be *quite* in character for Ryouko to do something like that, so Kiyone frantically thought up a good lie. "Of course not! I'm just going to go make sure that Mihoshi *doesn't* try anything like that, so that Ayeka doesn't kill her." That was even plausible, she thought. Bryan: Sure. If you weren't in a bathrobe. Glyph: So she looks better in one than the others. "Suuurre," Ryouko replied, sounding less than convinced. "That cute little mop of electric blue hair doesn't turn you on at all." Bryan: If she looks like Tsunami now, then that flowing hair could hardly be called a mop. Much less little. "Why does everyone bring up the electric blue hair?" Kiyone asked aloud, backing up towards the comparative safety of the house. "Why mightn't someone be drawn towards her bright red eyes, Ryoko: They're pink, actually. Rei has the Blue/Red combo. Rei: Don't drag ME into this. I am not having sex with anyone who doesn't have a Y chromosome. Vegeta: So what were you doing with Shinji in the End of Evangelion movie? Rei: Shinji's more of a man than you'll ever be. Vegeta: Right. All I know is, you couldn't hide MY manhood behind a jar of toothpicks. Cypher: Mine's adjustable. Glyph: (Muffed due the fact that her hands are covering her face, and her hands are in her lap.) Cypher, we didn't need to know this. . . Bryan: Cypher, considering that all you do is mimic the shape, and have none of the organelles needed to feel anything, what would be the point? Cypher: (grinning) Who says it’s for my pleasure? Bryan: (suddenly green): Forget I asked. -_- or her fulsome breasts, or her child-like sense of wonder, or --" Bryan: That was wrong. That was very, very wrong. "Because everyone's seen you drooling whenever Empress Misaki gives an interview," Ryouko replied cheerfully. *That* was the straw that broke the camel's back. "That's it, Ryouko," Kiyone hissed, stopping her retreat in mid-stride and starting to advance towards the formerly-wanted space pirate. "I've been putting up with you for five damn years, Bryan: Kiyone met Sasami when she was what, about eight? Ryoko: And now Sasami is eighteen. Vegeta: So she's been putting up with her for TEN damn years! Ukyo: So the guy can't add! Zechs: Can't write, either. always teasing me with reminders that you and I are natural enemies, destined to clash and clash again until either I am utterly destroyed or you are in the chains and shackles where you belong! No more! This is it!" Ryouko lifted an eyebrow. "`Chains and shackles', huh? Is this your way of saying that you're into B&D?" Bryan: S&M I know. What's B&D? Ryoko: Bondage and Discipline. Bryan: A difference which makes no difference is no difference. Vegeta: Whatever that means. Cypher: Means nobody gives a flying f- Glyph: CYPHER! Cypher: Shutting up. "What? No!" Kiyone shrieked, the remainder of her carefully thought-out badass intimidation speech falling to pieces. Ryouko gave no sign of hearing. "Well, I'm not normally into being the bottom, but everyone needs a bit of variety, so when and where?" Embarrassment, fury and lust warred within Kiyone, and since fury was the most easily expressed of those emotions, she launched a spin kick that reached higher than her head at Ryouko. Vegeta: All right! Cat fight! All girls: YOU WISH! Glyph: Or do you want one on you, right now? I can tell you from experience, it does feel like REBB and an aerodactal are trying to rip you apart. Vegeta: How do you know? Glyph: Had to stop one when two girls were fighting and about shoved the vice principal of my school down the front steps. Long drop, the flight had twenty-five steps. Vegeta: What? Only twenty-five? Wimps. Bryan: Vegeta, I can give Glyph the same power adapting abilities that I have, you know. Vegeta: I'm shutting up now. Bryan: I thought you'd see it that way. Ryouko easily fell back, evading both that blow and every one which followed, grinning saucily all the while. Kiyone wasn't anywhere nearly as easy to tease as Tenchi or Ayeka, but the results were always worth it. And a good fight always put Ryouko in the mood. Ryoko: Only if it's with Ayeka. She at least makes a fight of it. And the only remedy for that is (dreamy eyed) Tenchi. They danced along the trail to the bathhouse, Kiyone almost frothing by this point. Ryouko idly wondered where Mihoshi and Ayeka were. Immediately after the thought occurred to her, she ran right into them -- literally. Just as Ayeka shrieked and reached out to start throttling Mihoshi again, Ryouko slammed into Mihoshi's back, knocking them forward onto Ayeka. The sudden drop in Ryouko's velocity caught Kiyone off guard, so she also slammed into the three of them, sending the group rolling forward once more, through the doors of the bathhouse. Bryan: OH NO!! Vegeta:(grabbing several vomit bags): This is gonna be bad. Zechs; Vegeta, I'll pay you to kill me now. Vegeta: Only if you kill me first. Ryoko: Nobody in this theatre is dying before me! Ukyo: REBB! NO! PUT THAT DOWN! REBB: Ahhh. Ruin my fun! Bryan: Rei, I told you to check for weaponry when we came in here! Rei: His is built in. Besides, I transported all the fuel out of it. Sasami blinked and paused in her self-appreciation as a sight gag -- a rolling ball of fists and dust -- came rolling through the door. After a moment, the dust settled, revealing the somewhat abused forms of Ayeka, Ryouko, Kiyone and Mihoshi. "Dit shom'n git da numba uv dat vrate-drain?" Mihoshi asked quietly. Sasami stared at them for a second, then put two and two together to get twenty-three. Bryan: I'm sorry, only Mihoshi is THAT stupid. Ryoko: NOT EVEN Mihoshi is THAT stupid. "Oh wow," she breathed. "You ... you all wanted to be with me so much that you wound up fighting with each other to decide who'd go first ... and ... and you all got here at the same time!" All: facefault. **Klunk** Tears of happiness dropped from her eyes. It isn't only guys who find the idea somewhat appealing, you see. Bryan: Um, what idea is that? Ryoko: Lesbian sex. Bryan: Well obviously we're not the only ones. Lesbians have to find it appealing too, I'm sure. "That's *not* what --" a somewhat recovered Ayeka began, trying to pull her dignity and torn, flesh-exposing clothes together. "And you came, oneesan!" Sasami enthused, standing up. "I didn't really think you'd do it, but you *do* want to have passionate sex with me! Oh I'm so *happy*!" And she rushed over and began kissing Ayeka frantically. Bryan: Cue the lousy bass music! "Wait! No! I -- Ah! Oh! Mmmmmmmmmmmm!" Ayeka's protests trailed off as Sasami demonstrated that her tongue could be put to much more interesting uses. Under the sudden surge of desire, she also felt a certain amazement at how quickly her supposedly innocent sister was able to get what remained of Ayeka's clothes off. Vegeta: Easy stomach. Steady now. Bryan: Save some of those vomit bags for us, Vegeta! Ryoko: I've got the pails, in case of emergency. Then Sasami dove between Ayeka's legs, and the elder sister's mind went blank at the sensation of those lips moving over her vulva and clitoris. Even Ryouko at her most kittenish had never felt quite like this. Ryoko: This is where I lose it. SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW. pant pant. SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! Bryan: Whoa! She threw up her shoes! REBB: Yeah, back in her own closet! Ukyo: Yuck! When she found herself aware of the world around her once more, Ayeka noted with a certain amount of annoyance that Mihoshi was going down on Sasami even as Sasami assertively licked the flower of her elder sister's joy. Bryan: That's wrong. And I'm not just saying that because it's Sasami. Sister with sister...? Vegeta: Does that even really happen? Ryoko: Please feel free not to inform us if it does. Since she'd tried very hard to convince herself that she was only coming out here to stop Mihoshi from doing just that, it caused her irritation -- which was quickly banished along with most of her other coherent thought as Sasami began to apply her talented fingers as well as her tongue. Bryan: OK, when the hell did she become so knowledgeable? Vegeta: Lemon logic. Everyone knows what the hell they're doing, and everyone always has at least one orgasm. Bryan: It's obvious these writers have never had sex at all. Glyph: Yeah, too bad fantasy is more appealing than reality, huh? Bryan: I dunno. Some people have some pretty sick fantasies. Dimly, Ayeka saw that Kiyone had begun to lick at Mihoshi's firm tits, while Ryouko was grinning and making "hungry" faces at the teal-haired galaxy police officer's cunny and rump as well. She wondered if this was what the upper classmen had meant by a daisy chain. Bryan: Urp. "Enjoying yourself, Princess?" Ryouko asked as she reached around from where she was sitting behind Ayeka to play with her swollen nipples. Zechs: I have seen worse than this. I have seen broken bodies in fields. I have seen mangled corpses. I can hold up against this. Wait, thought Ayeka. Something was odd here. She had seen Ryouko starting to eat Kiyone's peach, so how could -- Oh no. She'd duplicated herself again. Ryoko: I never do that during sex! It dims the sensation! Washu: I can fix that for you, hon. Ryoko: Hmmmm. Bryan: Later, you two, huh? Like when the rest of us don't have to hear it? A brief flashback to being the peanut butter in a sandwich made of two Ryoukos momentarily terrified Ayeka -- and then her climax was upon her, banishing everything once more. * * * Masaki Tenchi hated carrots with the passionate hatred possessed only by those who have no choice but to have a great deal to do with them. He didn't like the taste, and if you didn't like to eat them, what possible use could a carrot be? Bryan: Mike Forever! Vegeta: Huh? Bryan: I got the idea from Peter Suzuki. He said that people used the name of a certain fanfic writer as profanity. So I found the writer's name, and that's how it goes. Glyph: Appropriate, considering what he wrote. Ukyo: What? Bryan: At the Carrot Patch. All(shudder). So it is understandable that on seeing the small note on the ground as he weeded the hundred acre carrot patch, he snatched it up like a dehydrated man might grab a pitcher of water. Tenchi-niichan, (it opened, identifying the author as surely as the closing), if you find this before midnight on the twentieth of December, please come quickly to the bath-house. It's VERY important to me. Love, Sasami-chan. Ryoko: No. Don't "love" Sasami-chan. At least, not in the way the author of this story means. To his credit, Tenchi immediately headed towards the bath-house, wondering what could be so important, and he had been walking for a full minute and a half before the doubts occurred to him. Something seemed wrong about this. Leaving a note in the middle of a carrot patch didn't seem like the sort of thing that Sasami would do. Could it be that one of the other girls -- Ryouko, or Ayeka, or even possibly well no probably not Mihoshi -- had left the note for him to find, and would be waiting in the bath-house in yet another attempt to seduce him? Bryan: Oh, how we wish that was the case. Ryoko: You ain't just whistling Dixie, brother. [Suddenly they heard whistling] Glyph: Cypher, THAT was lame. REBB and Cypher: (singing) Oh, I wish I were in the land of cotton. . . Glyph: Oh-KAY, enough from the peanut gallery. Bryan: Now hear this. Anyone caught singing in MY theater will be made to sit through all the odd numbered Trek films. REBB: So what, I like them all. Bryan(evil glint in eye): Including the special edition of The Motion Picture, with 45 extra minutes of footage? Most of which was the Enterprise going through that cloud? REBB: Yeah, so? Bryan: Glyph! REBB is scaring me!!!! Not that that prospect bothered him in and of itself. Actually, the thought of getting jiggy with any of the young ladies who resided in his home made his heart beat faster. Unfortunately, he was all too aware of the probability that his heart would beat much *slower* -- if at all -- if he ever made a decision and one of the ones he didn't pick found out about it. Zechs: Oh come off it. We've seen the series. Ryoko would just leave in a fit. Ayeka would bawl like a baby. None of the others are that interested. Bryan: And Ayeka seemed fine with it at the end of Tenchi Muyo in Love 2, when he finally did pick Ryoko. So he paused in the middle of the carrot patch for a few moments, then took another look at the note, shook his head and laughed off his worries. No, this was definitely Sasami's neat handwriting. It was unmistakable. He headed off towards the bath-house. Two minutes later he stopped as the possibility that one of them had learned to forge Sasami's handwriting occurred to him. Bryan: Ok, the author either has Tenchi walking really slow... Vegeta: Or the bathhouse is no longer near the carrot fields. "AAAAAARGH!" he finally yelled aloud. "I don't know what to DO!" All: Go back to the carrots. * * * High above Tokyo, a force of pure evil began to descend towards Juuban ward, drawn to an intense, emotionally-driven power that it sensed there. And then paused in that descent, as its sensors picked up a momentary burst of greater emotionally-driven power from the Okayama region. While the source here in Tokyo was much more consistent in its outbursts, the one in Okayama seemed much more interesting. And so the force of pure evil set out for Okayama. Yep. Tenchi's indecision is more powerful that Usagi's fits of pique. Go fig. Vegeta: I'd have gone to Tokyo. Rei: Sailor Moon fan? Zechs: Nope, he has a crush on Ami-chan. Vegeta: I TOLD YOU THAT IN STRICTEST CONFIDENCE! Bryan: Always the brainy ones with you, huh, Vegeta? Ryoko: My Tenchi is nowhere near as bad as that bleach blonde bimbo! Glyph: At least the girls on HIS show aren't running around fighting evil in ridiculously short miniskirts. REBB: Damn....I mean...Usagi is a useless klutz! Ukyo: She gives Akane a run for her money is bad cooking. Cypher: She's nowhere near as cute as Ayeka. Zechs: And Sasami definitely uses a magic wand much better. Vegeta: Zechs, think about what you just said. Zechs:....AHHHHH! I didn't mean like that, you little hentai! * * * Finally, Tenchi forced himself to make a decision. The letter was definitely from Sasami. He could even smell traces of her signature fragrance on it -- one that she guarded jealously, as it was rather expensive, so there was no way that someone else could have doused the letter in order to trick him. So it *was* a letter from Sasami, and he had nothing to worry about. Ryoko: Ever notice how, when the hero has nothing to worry about, that's when they should be the most worried. Why is that? Bryan: Murphy's Law. Cypher: When you've known Washu as long as I have, you come to realize that Murphy was an optomist. One step this time. Unless she'd decided to seduce him herself. No! That was insane! He could no more imagine pure, innocent Sasami-chan -- Bryan: Believe us, Tenchi-san, neither can we. Whoever this sex crazed harridan is, it isn't Sasami. Glyph: This writer needs to get a girlfriend, may I suggest Nahga the serpent or Kodachi Kuno? Vegeta: Or perhaps Number 18, or B-Ko Daitakouji? Ryoko: Or Mihoshi? Others: (shudder) * * * "MMMMM!" Sasami crowed as both Ryoukos teased at her vagina, while Mihoshi and Kiyone alternated between gently and forcefully sucking at her breasts, and Ayeka rode her mouth. Had anyone been able to see them, they would have seen her eyes glowing with pure, innocent lust. Zechs: Innocent lust has *got* to be a contradiction in terms! Cypher: Great, enough oxymorons to hitch a wagon to. * * * -- doing something as sneaky and underhanded as that. Enough of these crippling self-doubts! He would go to the bath-house and see what Sasami needed from him. Ryoko: No, Tenchi. Don't go there. Please don't go there. One more step. But it wasn't his fault that he stopped this time. An explosion in the ground not far to his right sent him flying. With reflexes trained by dozens of battles and hundreds of Ryouko's "forceful" attempts at seduction, he whirled to see his attacker. [Everyone looks to Ryoko, who glares back.] Hovering a few feet above the ground was a rather short man with a lens over one eye and a weird hairstyle and uniform. "Ah-ha!!" he shouted. "At last I have found the greatest source of power that this puny planet possesses!! Now you shall face *me*!!" Bryan: Invasion of the Space Nazis? Ryoko: Couldn't be. Cypher: They look better. Vegeta: You can all go to hell. This is an attack on me! "Um ... hello?" Tenchi began tentatively. "Who are you, exactly?" "I?! I am Prince Furuutsu, chief of the Tsukajijin!! Prepare yourself for mortal combat, human!!" Vegeta(game voice): MORTAL COMBAT!!!! Tenchi had known it would be a long day. Bryan: For us too, Tenchi. For us too. To Be Continued (Okay, so it's not going to be done for the anniversary. Life's like that.) Chris Davies, Advocate for Darkness, Part Time Champion of Light Fanfics: http://www.fortunecity.com/tattooine/banks/277/ Fanfic Revolution: http://come.to/hauthor "I love you too. Why the hell else do you think I keep doing this?" -- Warren Ellis. Bryan: This guy is one sick puppy. He's definitely got a streak of Tank Cop in him. Rei: Refrain from mentioning that name in my presence, please. Tenchi Muyou: Union Part Three The English word "tribadism" was once a general term encompassing all forms of female homosexual intercourse, deriving from the common synonym for "lesbian" at that time, which was "tribade". In current usage, however, tribadism had come to encompass a very specific form of female homosexual intercourse. Glyph, Ukyo, Rei, and Ryoko: We don't need the specifics! Specifically, it referred to the act of rubbing two female genitalia against each other in order to produce clitoral stimulation and, eventually, orgasm. Bryan: I'll take "kink" for $1000, Alex. Cypher(as Alex Trebec): And here's today's first Daily Double! It is possible that narrowing of the term's scope had arisen from its association with an era in Earth's history when a certain female monarch, noted for her general prudishness, had declared that female homosexuality was impossible because a woman's form lacked Shaft A to insert into Hole B. (She had also been rather unimaginative.) Bryan:(bored): Oh look. A lemon with an educational section All: (bored): Yeah. Ryouko knew none of this as she energetically screwed the hell out of Sasami, whose ankles were crossed behind the ex-space-pirate's neck. She knew only that she *really* enjoyed this sort of thing, Ryoko: Do not! even if Ayeka usually complained that the pleasure it produced was negated by the pain and soreness it caused her for days afterward, and that Sasami's vocal cries for more indicated that her partner was enjoying it as well. Bryan: That's it. Give me that pail. [Glyph hands it to him. Then chugs another pina colda] BLURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!!!! Ryoko:...Wow. And you hadn't eaten anything in how long? Bryan(weakly): Over a day.... In fact, it seemed that Sasami was enjoying it even more than Ryouko, since the demon-girl *was* getting a bit tired, much to her shock and mild horror, while Sasami showed no sign of slowing down. Ah, to be young and ridiculously horny once more. Bryan: I don't ever want to remember those days. Ryouko sneaked a look over her shoulder to where her other body was being gamahuched by Mihoshi, occasionally tugging on her blonde hair so hard that it made the annoying one shriek a little. She would enjoy reviewing the memories of doing that when the two of them merged, later. At the same time, Ayeka was pressed up against Kiyone's back, her legs wrapped around Kiyone's hips to spread them wide and her fingers working in the inspector's labial lips, much to her obvious enjoyment. It seemed that Ayeka remembered more of the "peeks" she'd taken from the Universal Kama Sutra than she'd indicated; Ryouko grinned faintly as she promised herself to find out just how much the princess knew. Ryoko: I'm sorry, but this is just the limit. Zechs: Forget what I said earlier. BARF! Vegeta: That's it? Zechs: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF! Ukyo: Don’t overdo, for my account. Glyph: how are you able to keep from throwing up? Ukyo: I’m imagining its Akane’s cooking. And she invited me as a guest. How come you’re not? Glyph: Cleaning eggs. Ukyo: Nuff said. Later. Right now, she was sort of tired. She didn't so much fall out as slide from between Sasami's legs when the younger woman had yet another thunderous orgasm and released her hold on Ryouko. "Waiiiiiiii," Sasami waied. "More!" "Ehhhhhhhhh," ehhed the others in reply. "Vomit," vomited the MST group. Bryan: Oh joy. A lemon writer who gets the subtitled version. Whee. Somebody shoot me now! REBB: You sure about that? [ he pulls a long yari out of subspace, and starts to swing it.] [Bryan pulls a similar feeling weapon, and suddenly Vegeta starts gagging and everyone else, except Cypher and REBB cover their noses.] Glyph: REBB, call it ‘ack! REBB: He’s the one that called it, he’s the one that has to call it back. Bryan: What the ‘ell is it? And hi is it movin’? Washu: Say aye to Reggie, our ten-foot-pole cat, he’s for touching stuff that we don’t wanna! Vegeta: Can you at lesf get hiss tail outta ny face? Bryan: How do I call him back? REBB: Oh, here. [ The long skunk disappears.] Zechs: Rei, can we get some air freshener in here? Rei: I can do ya one better. Hang on. All the MSTers suddenly feel short of breath, and lightheaded. Then there's a rush of cold air, and the room is fine again. Bryan: What did you do, Rei? Rei: I sucked all the ambient air out of the room and pumped in new air at the same time to equalize the pressure. Fortuitously, the door to the bath house slid open at that moment, flooding all their systems with sudden bursts of adrenaline at the thought that it might be Tenchi arriving. Vegeta: Nope. He's busy with the funny little man from outer space. Zechs: Who does that leave. Ryoko: Anyone but Nobiyuki. Anyone but Nobiyuki. "My my my. Looks like I got here just in time." Ryouko let out the breath she'd been holding and remerged her two bodies before turning to look at Washuu. Ryoko: AGG! No!!! I didn't mean her!!! Mother!!!! Washu: I’m going to kill him, I’m going to kill him. Unexpectedly, her "mother" was in her more mature form, that she usually only used to freak out Tenchi. She was wearing a long white coat and a nurse's hat, and carried a heavy-looking bag in one hand. All: Whah! We want out. We want out! Rei: Shut up and be patient. I've almost picked the lock. Bryan: Um, Rei, that lock is... BRZAAP! Bryan: Shielded. Rei: Now you tell me! "Washuu-chan!" Sasami squealed in delight, causing her older sister to wonder if she knew any other squeals. "You want to have sex with me too?" Bryan: If Ryoko is on this action, then I'm shooting myself later. Zechs: Please! Don't give these people more ideas! "Oh, yes, Sasami-chan," the psychotic -- *Ahem.* -- er, eccentric red-haired scientist said, her cat-like green eyes glowing with ill-suppressed amusement. "I'm going to *enjoy* having sex with you. Hehhehhehhehheh." Bryan: And thus, the incest continues, only now it's Washuu with her sis. Without further ado, Washuu ripped off her coat and threw it into the air, revealing that she wore only a bustier, cut low to show off her fulsome breasts, and high to show off her -- "Oh god," Ryouko said quietly. "She's a hermaphrodite." *CLUNK* The crew of the JEDRI turn around, and noticed the certain redhead. . . passed out on the floor. Ukyo: [waving a hand infront of Washu's face.]She's cold. Vegeta: She needs mouth to mouth! I'll do it! Washu (recovering quickly): The hell you will! Bryan: Vegeta, she has the body of...oh, the height is a match for you, isn't it? Vegeta: When this is over, remind me to kill you. Glyph: I want to kill this writer. Ryoko: MY MOTHER DOES NOT HAVE MALE GENETALIA!! Washuu slapped her across the face with a fan marked "Incorrect". "No!" she snapped. "*This* is the apotheosis of technologically sophisticated sex toys -- a biotechnological phallus, as responsive as the real thing, wired into my nerves so that one actually feels the sensation of penetration!" She gave a little pelvic thrust. Bryan: And then a step to the right? REBB: No, that comes after the jump to the left. The pelvic thrust is what really drives 'em insane. Vegeta: This fic could do that far more easily. "Now, Sasami-chan, I will take your virginity in revenge for --" Vegeta: Too late. Ryo-Ohki beat you to it. All mangle Vegeta. She paused and looked down to see that Sasami's head was eagerly bobbing back and forth along the length of the cybernetic strap-on, laving the dildo with her tongue. Ryoko: That's it. I'm ripping my eyes out. Bryan: Don't. There's a fic that's even incredibly worse than this one where you do that. Ryoko: How much worse could it get?! Zechs: If it's the one he told us about, Tenchi screws your eye socket. Ryoko:...you're joking, right? Bryan: You don't know how I wish I could say that I was. Ukyo: That’s bad. Washu: You think THAT'S bad? I hear there's a sequel. "Enthusiastic little thing, isn't she?" Washuu quipped. * * * Tenchi was tired. He wasn't sure just how long he'd been fighting this new weirdo. Unless the sun deceived him, it could only have been a few hours, but it felt like every single attack Furutsu launched took a whole week to complete. Vegeta: Hardy-frickin'-har. So Toriyama paced the stories a bit. Bryan: A BIT? It took twelve episodes for Goku to kick...your...um Vegeta(glaring): Yes. Go on. Bryan: Never mind. And as if that weren't enough -- "Ah-HA!! You begin to slacken, for at last you recognize that I am the supreme power in this cosmos!! Surrender now, and I shall grant you a quick and painful death!!" Zechs: If it's gonna be painful, could you slow it down a bit? the guy's dialogue was really obnoxious Vegeta: .... Cypher: This guy has been taking lessons from Kuno. Zechs: At least Treyes knew how to give an interesting speech. Vegeta: What would you know, you wannabe Char Anzable? Zechs: I'm much cooler than Char ever was, so there! Tenchi marshalled his resources, and brought his sword up into ready position, ready to thrust forward and penetrate into -- "I'm going to end up having sex with this guy, aren't I?" Tenchi suddenly asked the author. Vegeta: Oh no you don't! Bryan: Fourth wall has now been broken. Get the author now, Tenchi! "That's how you intend to mess with his fan's head. That's really sick, using a homophobic slur as a guy's name when you plan to do something like that." Bryan: Um, Glyph? Do we wanna know how this guy knows Japanese homophobic slurs? Glyph: No-NO! "To whom are you speaking, you craven cretin?!" "Ah, shaddap!" Tenchi finally snapped at the thinly-disguised character parody. Vegeta: Anorexicly thin. "Do you realize how stupid you sound, constantly using multiple exclamation points like that? I suppose that when you laugh you go --" "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" laughed Furutsu. "-- like that," Tenchi interjected as soon as the alien prince took a short pause to breathe. "You do realize that the author just copied `HA' and pasted it repeatedly using control characters? It doesn't actually take a lot of work!" Bryan: I just hit the buttons repetitively. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It helps vent stress. "Enough of your inanity, runt!! Face now the Howling Fist of Molten Death!!!" Vegeta: What sort of a stupid attack name is that? Cypher: What sort of attack name is Garlic Gun? Vegeta: Just because the others can't kill you doesn't mean that I can't. Cypher: ... "Oh, calling your attacks and using three exclamations, very cool!" Tenchi sneered as he parried the attack effortlessly. "Do you know how cliched you are?" To the author, he snapped, "I won't do it! I don't care if your conception of me is bisexual, I refuse to believe that I could have so little taste as to jump this guy before I ended up with one of the girls!" Ryoko: Why anyone would jump something that looked like Vegeta before me is beyond me. Glyph: Any villain in any category will count. . . .Ugh, I just realized what I had said. That’s bad. Reggie material. Cypher: I dunno, dye Vegeta blue, and who would you get? [The others look puzzled.] Ukyo: No clue, Cypher. REBB: [getting it] Wait, wait, you’re thinking about a video game, right? Bryan: (singing) : Blue Streak speeds by... Vegeta: You guys are all rotten, you know that? Tenchi couldn't have realized that his breaking of the fourth wall left him vulnerable to a sudden burst of energy from Furutsu's left hand. "Sure, sure, punish your creations for showing a bit of independence and self-will," Tenchi sneered as the blast sent him soaring backwards. Bryan: Tenchi, KILL THE AUTHOR, damn it! "Victory will be mine!! Defeat I will leave for you, puny Earthling!!" "Shaddap!" Ukyo: I wish they’d not make Tenchi sound like he’s from the Bronx. He’s from Japan, for god’s sake. The accent is different! * * * Washuu hadn't known how right she was when she called Sasami enthusiastic. But after an hour of driving the strap-on into her, she had begun to develop a general idea. Even the limp efforts of the others to help her out by playing with Sasami's breasts and tongue, and letting her do the same to them, didn't seem to really make a dent in her ferocious need to boink. All(as Animaniacs): Boingy boingy boingy... Truth be told, Washuu thought she was getting a bit tired of this. Sasami's squeaks and wails of extreme pleasure were quite gratifying, but how often could she repeat them? Ryoko: It just keeps on going and going and going and going and... Vegeta: I can kill you, you know. It was almost like someone kept splicing film footage together and hoping that no one would notice that the same lines of dialogue were being used repeatedly -- not hard, when said dialogue consisted of "oh", "yes", "more", "eee" and "baby you're something else". Ryoko: This guy knows way more than he should about that. Bryan: I want to die now. Glyph: Join you, and I think I’m finally getting drunk. I’m starting to like it. Still, the neural-interface generated orgasms that the sex toy generated in her own system more than made up for the mechanical nature of the sex act itself. Washuu decided to just enjoy the heck out of that until Tenchi showed up, at which point she expected to be needed as a nurse to keep him from death from blood loss. Zechs: Nurse Washu. Paging Nurse Washu. As was almost always the case, as soon as Washuu made a decision like that, the universe (aided by its lovely and talented assistant Mihoshi) exhibited an "I'll show you little girl" mentality. Bryan: I'm sure it's Tokimi's doing. "Ne, Washuu-chan, what's this?" asked You-Know-Who as she looked curiously at the dial at the small of Washuu's back, currently set at "6". Had Mihoshi been just a little keener-eyed, she might have seen that the dial was not part of Washuu's back, but attached to the almost invisible straps of the strap-on dildo. "Don't -- stop --" Washuu gasped. Obligingly, Mihoshi failed to cease the action she'd just begun, and reached out and turned the dial all the way to "11" -- a setting that had not been there before. Vegeta: Oh come on! Mihoshi is a walking disaster, sure! But not even she can warp reality! REBB: You never saw This is Spinal Tap, did you? Bryan: It's on our "to see" list. Just as obligingly, the dildo "rewarded" Washuu with a sequence of "11" orgasms that led her to quietly pass out from pleasure. "Tee hee hee," the universe said, but no one was listening, so it might as well have been silent. As Ryouko pulled the limp red-haired genius off Sasami, who *still* showed no signs of slowing down, she began to wonder what could possibly happen next. Was Nagi going to crash the party? Ryoko: NO! Abruptly, a bubble of glowing green light formed on the edge of the pool's deck; a bubble that Ryouko instantly recognized as a transporter effect. Sure enough, Nagi had -- The bubble dissipated. It wasn't Nagi. Bryan: Thank...you...God. Vegeta: God wants nothing to do with this one. "MOTHER!" Ayeka shrieked in horrified panic as she made a futile attempt to cover her nudity and stop Sasami from fingering her vulva. Bryan: Zechs, is that helmet of yours fairly sturdy? Zechs: Why? Bryan: I want you to use it to cave my skull in now. Glyph: Sit down. You're the one who wanted to MST these things. Bryan(weeping): I didn't know how bad it could get. Sister to sister is sick. But mother to daughter.... Vegeta: OH great. It wasn't even mentioned, but now that you brought it up... "WAAAAAAH!" Misaki said amidst her `My eldest daughter is unhappy to see me' weeping. Funaho merely sighed and handed her `sister' a rather large tissue to dry the tears. "M-mother Funaho, what are you two doing here?" Ayeka asked in a somewhat calmer voice as she finally pulled away from Sasami and decided that she looked somewhat decent enough for conversation. "I received a note inviting me to Sasami's coming out party -- I'm not quite sure what a party of that nature is, mind -- and my sister insisted on accompanying me. May I now ask what's going on here?" she concluded, looking Ayeka up and down. Repeatedly. Bryan(as Ayeka): Well, a really sick bastard got a hold of a computer with a word processor program, and decided that he wanted us all to have incestuous lesbian sex. But now that you're here, we're saved. Zechs: Don't count on it. "Well you see, Sasami-chan will be merging with Tsunami tonight and before she has sex with her she wants to get a lot of experience in advance so --" Mihoshi proceeded to explain everything that had happened in vivid detail, occasionally demonstrating if she thought something needed a visual aid. Misaki stopped crying mid-way through her quick demonstration of Ryouko's tribadism, with Ryouko as the one on the bottom this time, and watched with interest. Vegeta: Leave it to Mihoshi to take all the mystery out of everything. Bryan: I knew that there had to be SOME reason why she was a Galaxy Police Detective First Class. "I ... see," Funaho replied, putting away the notes she'd taken on some of the more unusual sex acts. Zechs: Urp. For a moment all was still. Then Misaki began to weep her `my daughter is going to have sex with a space-faring tree and didn't tell me' tears. "But Sasami, why did you invite Mother Funaho to this ... this --" Ayeka searched for the word. "Orgy?" Ryouko supplied. "Sextravaganza? Clam feast? I rather like coming out party, Sasami." Ryoko: I do NOT!!!! "Shut up." "Mother Funaho is so cool and sensuous," Sasami replied to Ayeka's question, not looking up at any of them and slowly rotating her lubricant-coated pointer fingers around each other. "I just thought ..." "SASAMI!" Ayeka gasped. Bryan: Hey. That was a perfect imitation of Azuza from the 13th OAV! Funaho's usually stony face perked up in her "cute" smile. "I'm very flattered, Sasami-chan. Also, somewhat aroused." In a move which was probably an unconscious quote of Washuu's earlier disrobement, Funaho ripped off her robes with one hand, revealing that at least one of the Empresses of Jurai believed herself to be a commando. In a trice, she was laying along Sasami's still supine, sweat-slathered body, kissing her mouth in a way that suggested the exercise she'd already had in the use of her strongest muscle. Sasami, of course, responded eagerly while Ayeka stared in shock. Bryan: She ain't the only one. Zechs: I'm beyond shock. I'm ready for therapy. Vegeta: Therapy my ass! I'm ready to be shot, now. Glyph and Ukyo: Don’t you dare, REBB! "Oh, it's so nice to see that my beloved sister shows such concern for my daughters' well being," Misaki enthused as Funaho kissed her way down to Sasami's crotch. Then a frown creased her brow. "But what," she asked as she pulled off her own robes, "am I supposed to do while she's busy?" Ryoko: Hopefully not me. Slowly she looked across the others in the bathhouse, until at last her gaze settled on Kiyone. Then she smiled. And Kiyone, realizing that one of her life-long crushes had just expressed an interest in her, did what no red-blooded woman needs any training to do. She fainted dead away. "Oh my," Misaki murmured. "I guess I've still got it --" Glyph pitched the empty bottle of pina coloda, and grabbed a strange can. It had a homemade label, but very techie oriented. Bryan: Um, what is that? Glyph: Don’t know, it was in the same sack that Ukyo brought the Sake in. . .[Takes a sip] Tastes good though. "Mommy?" Sasami asked weakly as Funaho tongued at her vagina and clitoris. "You're ... cool and sensuous too ..." Misaki promptly began to weep her `my youngest daughter just invited me to get jiggy with her' Bryan: Remind me never to go to Jurai. Ever. Ryoko: Why do you think Kagato tried to have me blow the place up? Zechs: Now I wish you'd done it. tears of joy, and knelt to begin kissing her frantically. "Ayeka, dear, give me some help here," she said as she began to worry Sasami's left nipple. Bryan: I'd be worried about the author's home life right about now. Zechs: What, only just now? "But --" "Now." "Yes, Mommy." Ryouko gaped at the scene. "Okay, THIS is going over the top. I mean, they're mother and daughter, this can't be --" Bryan: Just now? I thought we were over the top when Ryoko replicated. Ryoko: Once again, I'm in agreement. She felt a grave disturbance in the force behind her. Vegeta: What did George Lucas ever do to this author to deserve the disgrace of being quoted here? "Oh, really, Ryouko-chan?" Washuu's voice whispered huskily against her neck. "Do you know that some psychologists believe that the more one feels disgusted by a sexual act, the more one is actually ... aroused by it?" Bryan: Did you know most psychologists get paid money to screw with your head by saying shit like that. Sure, it might possibly be viable... but in some cases, disgust is just disgust. To paraphrase Sigmund. "That's --" "After all, they're all consenting adults, so why are you so disturbed? Could it be that you, too, want something like that, but are afraid to admit it?" "N-no," Ryouko insisted. "What's the matter, Ryouko-chan?" Washuu asked, this time blowing into her ear. "Why do you tremble? Why are these so hard? Why is this so wet? It's only natural to want to return to the womb." Bryan: Oh god and I thought I was sick before.... Ryouko watched for a few moments as Ayeka and Sasami attempted to return to the womb head-first. "I ... I don't ..." "Really? Then all you have to do is say, `No, mommy', and I'll stop." With that word, Washuu whipped Ryouko around and lip-locked with her, demonstrating the remarkable reach of her tongue. Vegeta: That's it. As soon as we're out of here, I'm blowing Jurai to hell! Her arousal and her deep-seated refusal to consider Washuu as her mother warred with her vague sense of impropriety, until Ryouko finally found a solution. She jerked out of the kiss. "No." Washuu started. "Way," Ryouko continued, holding up her left fist. "Am I gonna let you fuck me." She shapeshifted the fist into a somewhat more streamlined form. "Fuck you, mom," she concluded as she rammed her tongue and fist between Washuu's two sets of lips. Washu faints again. This time, they leave her. Ryoko: Why do these people assume I'm some sort of sex crazed nympho? Bryan: OAV#4. Ryoko: IT WAS A BATHHOUSE. I BATHE NAKED! * * * Tenchi now realized that he'd only thought he was tired before. Only now, after what felt like a season's worth of fighting followed up by an out-of-continuity movie, did he realize the meaning of the word "tired". Cypher: A DBZ fan, evidently. Bryan: Then why is he disgracing it here? Vegeta: I don't know whether to kill the author for his perversity, and the insult to me, or praise him for keeping Tenchi out of it. And Furutsu wasn't letting up with the dialogue. "Die, you miserable cowering fool!! Die!! DIE!!" Vegeta: Although the theft of MY dialogue is NOT appreciated. REBB: (to Bryan, whispering) His lines are that cheesy? Bryan: (also whispering): On a good day, yes. Vegeta: FINAL FLASH!!!! There is a large smoking crater where REBB01 used to be. The Cybertronian, fortunately, had been beamed out by Rei just as the blast was coming. REBB rematerialized two inches to the left. Vegeta: Anyone else care to comment? He almost felt inclined to say that he'd be happy to die if it meant not having to listen to the weirdo's overacting, but he refused to descend to the level of character who spouted cliches like that. Marshalling what little of his resources remained for another fight, he drew up his sword. "Ahem," said his grandfather, coming up behind him. "If you have time to fool around, boy, you have time to get to your daily practice bout with me. What IS taking you so long?" Ryoko: Weelllllllllll. He's just a little busy right now. "Well, I'm a little busy right now, Grandpa," Tenchi explained wearily. Zechs: You called that one, Ryoko. "Ah-hah!! Two for the price of one!!" Furutsu cried and attacked. Yoshou decapitated him without breaking stride. "Busy with what?" All: 0_0 Let it be recorded that the final words of Furutsu, Prince of the Tsukajijin, were "ACK!". The swiftness of the strike left no time for a second exclamation point. When a reply to his question didn't seem to be forthcoming, as Tenchi was too busy gogging at Furutsu's separated head and corpse, Yoshou began shaking his grandson's shoulders. "Snap out of it boy!" "Grandfather!" Tenchi cried. "How -- I spent hours fighting him, and you just -- but -- how --" "Oh, that," he replied dismissively. "Tenchi, there are two things you must remember always. First, while I have indeed taught you all that you know of swordsmanship, I have not taught you all that *I* know. It would take far too long. Vegeta: Makes sense. He has got over seven hundred years on the boy. "Second ... Tenchi, you will meet many such annoyances in your life -- people who yell a lot and criticise when they clearly do not know what they are talking about. There is only one cure for such distractions from your goals." "Cut off their heads?" Vegeta: Works for me. REBB: I can't say I'm against it. "No, fool, ignore them!" Vegeta: What fun is that? And, lo, Tenchi considered the wisdom of his grandfather's words, and it was as though a great burden had been lifted from his shoulders. "Thank you, Grandfather," he said, bowing and turning to head for the bathhouse. Yoshou hit him on the head with his bokken. "Where the hell do you think you're going? You've got sword practice!" Ryoko: Yosho, thank you soooooo much. "But I just fought for hours!" Tenchi whined. "That doesn't count! Didn't you hear a word I said? En garde!" * * * "Oh yessss, Ryouko, you sex maniac, touch me, finger me like a whore. Oh yeah, fuck, that's good, Ryouko, finger me, drive those fingers in my sopping cunt..." Bryan: Wait...wait...Ah, yes, SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW. Cypher: There was more left! Vegeta: Hey. He just threw up the Dragon Balls. Bryan: Funny. They were in your room a minute ago. Who, wondered Ryouko, would have taken Funaho for such a pottymouth? After Sasami had tired her mother and her mother's sister-wife (not to mention Ayeka) out, Kiyone and Mihoshi turned out to have built up their strength again. They were now introducing her to the pleasure of simultaneous vaginal and rectal penetration, with the help of two of Washuu's other strap-ons. Meanwhile, she had split in two to entertain the two queens of Jurai; her other self was currently rolling around with Misaki in the position that Earthlings, for reasons Ryouko didn't quite grasp, called `sixty-nine'. Ryoko: I know why it's called that, damn it! Meanwhile meanwhile, Zechs: Is it just me, or is there an echo in here. Washuu was taking the opportunity to get to "know" one of her daughter's lovers better, using more conventional dildos on Ayeka. (Conventional for Washuu, anyway. The meaning of that remark is left for the reader to puzzle out.) Washu: (Angry, and finally getting back up.) Would you like an electrical probe UP THE ASS!? REBB: Don't, Washu, the way this fic is going, the author may like it. Bryan: I'm not even going to think about it. Zechs: Hell no. Ryoko: Not on your life. Ryouko had begun the day praying that Tenchi wouldn't show up for this. Ryoko: My prayers have been answered. She'd passed through hoping that Tenchi wouldn't show up for this while she was there, and had begun to wonder what Tenchi would do when he showed up. If they stopped him from bleeding to death, they could have some very interesting times. Zechs: Tenchi is NOT Ryoga Hibiki. There was only a little trickle of blood when he saw Ayeka. Vegeta: Hey, that's right! He saw you buck naked, and all he did was an eye pop, Ryoko! Ryoko: Shut up, Vegeta. Glyph: And Ryoga gets put in some weird places, so I wouldn’t comment too much about the blood deal. Bryan: Weirder than this fic? She'd even let Ayeka go first. Well, maybe not. Abruptly, the steam-filled air of the bath-house took on a strange blue aura, and without further omens of her arrival, Tsunami materialized above the water of the bath-house. Everyone paused in sudden shock -- except for Mihoshi, who kept on busily sodomizing Sasami until Kiyone pulled her off. "Sasami, I have come to ... join ... with ..." Tsunami began very strong and clear, trailing off towards the end as she noticed her surroundings, then noticed what was going on in those surroundings, and finally noticed who else was present. "What's going on here?" she finally asked in a tiny, confused voice. Zechs: Could it be that Sasami was mistaken? Ryoko: I'd have to facefault right through the bulkhead. "Tsunami?" Sasami gasped. "What are you doing here? It's not midnight!" "It is on Jurai," Tsunami said, looking with a mildly horrified expression at the two queens of the aforementioned planet, entangled with Ryouko. Bryan: (as Tsunami): So what are all of you doing? Zechs: (as Mihoshi): Um...each other? At that moment, Sasami knew despair. Before, her regret for what she would lose had been an innocent curiousity; now, with her new knowledge, it had become even greater. There was so much more she wanted to do! There were so many people she wanted to do! Bryan: NO! NO! NO! Zechs: Ryoko, stop him from beating his head on the wall before he splits it open. Vegeta: What? His head, or the wall? Zechs: Both. [Ukyo got up, and placed her battle spatula between Bryan and the wall. There is the sound of something banging metal, before Ukyo managed to maneuver him away. Bryan paused, then rubbed his head.] Bryan: What is that thing made of, Adamantium? Like Tenchi-niichan! And Nagi! And Ken-oh-ki! And Ken-oh-ki and Ryo-oh-ki, simultaneously! And Mayuka, once she got back to an appropriate age like sixteen or so! And Sakuya! Bryan and Ukyo: WRONG FRIGGIN' CONTINUITY YA JACKASS!!!!! And Tenchi-niichan! And Yugi Bryan: Like I said!!!! -- heck, that was probably the only way that she'd get to get it on with Sakuya! And Achika and the young, cute version of Nobuyuki! Mmm, yum yum thought! Vegeta: Actually, I've come to hate the taste of lemons. And all those obnoxious new characters created by fanfic authors who thought they were so damn cool! Zechs: Now if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black... And Tenchi-niichan! But no ... none of that was to be. She hardened herself, and lifted her eyes to meet Tsunami's. "Very well. Then let it be done. Come to me, Tsunami. Take me now!" she orated, closing her eyes and spreading her arms and legs. "... all right," Tsunami replied, sounding very mystified, and leaned down to give her a peck on the forehead. Bryan: Rei, please shield the bulkhead on this location. And then Tsunami vanished. For a long moment, all was still. And then Sasami's eyes opened, with new intelligence burning within them. "Oops," Tsunami/Sasami said. Ryoko: FACEFAULT!!!! Rei: The shield held. Barely. "Oops?" echoed everyone else present. Yes, even Mihoshi. "Uh, gee," she continued, putting her hand behind her head. "I guess I didn't mean `sex' when I said to myself that the union would be an intimate one. Boy, I wish I'd explained my intentions to myself before I went and did something like this. Am I embarrassed now, or what? Hee hee hee ... Washuu, what are you doing with that dildooooooooo!" Bryan: Hopefully, beating you on the skull with it! * * * Tenchi awoke and found himself on a plate of sashimi. All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Then he regained the rest of his consciousness and found himself lying where he'd finally passed out from the exertion of the practice match with his grandfather. The sun was low in the sky as he dashed to the bathhouse. Just as he reached the door, it slid open. Mihoshi was the first to exit, gently steering a quietly gibbering Kiyone. Washuu exited shortly after, cackling faintly to herself. Ayeka and Ryouko walked out, neither looking at each other. "What --" Tenchi asked. "I'm not talking to you," they chorused, and walked off. Finally, Sasami came out, wearing somewhat disheveled robes that made her look even more like Tsunami than normal. "Sasami-chan! What happened?" She sighed. "I am sorry, Tenchi, but I am not Sasami anymore. I am Tsunami, now!" Ryoko: I was there when Tsunami told us we could call her either one, thank you. He gaped. "No! You merged with Tsunami? That's what this about? Oh, Sasa-- er, Tsunami-chan, why didn't you just say so? I would have come much sooner!" Vegeta: Anyone says anything about his choice of words, and I'll send the to HFIL. "Probably, yes." Tenchi didn't seem to hear that remark. "Is ... is there anything I can do for you?" Bryan: Yeah. An aspirin might be nice. Maybe some painkillers. Glyph: [very slurred] Here, suhouldvef ga it sooooonnnner. Goom sssssift! REBB01: [ holding up first can.]Boy, at that rate of consumption she should be in a coma by now. Tsunami smiled brightly. "No, Tenchi, not right now. I have a headache. Zechs: Don't they always. Tomorrow, maybe." She strolled off, leaving him confused and ashamed that he'd let so many things get in the way of talking to Sasami before it was too late. It was in this state that he slowly entered the bath-house, intending to take a long bath. It didn't happen. His jaw and the gout of blood from his nose hit the floor at roughly the same moment, and he fainted dead away. Funaho looked up from where Misaki was drilling the strap-on into her. "Oh dear," she remarked calmly. "Tenchi." Zechs: Why did I get out of bed this morning? Bryan: Because if you hadn't, I'd have beamed you here in those stupid boxers you wear to sleep in. Ryoko: Listen, just because you prefer briefs.. Bryan: I prefer for my underwear to look like underwear, and not like biker shorts or something. Glyph: Again, we did not need to know. Cypher: How did Ryoko know? Bryan: She's on laundry duty this week. "What will we do, sister?" Misaki asked. "He might tell people who must not be told about our cuckolding of our beloved husband." Vegeta: Too late. All the lemon writers seem to know already. "I guess we must do something to make sure that he doesn't *want* to tell anyone." Ryoko: Now I know where Ayeka gets it. After a moment, they both grinned very vicious grins. "Dibs on his manhood!" Funaho shouted as she ran over to begin tearing the young man's clothes off. Vegeta: What manhood? Ryoko mallets Vegeta, then kicks him in the balls. "Dibs on his ass!" Misaki replied, wiggling the strap-on. Zechs: EEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! And so ended yet another day in the heartwarming Bryan: Stomach churning... Cypher: Passion Satisfying Vegeta: Ground shaking... REBB: Glass breaking... Glyph: Don't remind me of that one. Bryan: Hey, you guys did that too? Glyph: Yeah. Before you even. It's pretty bad, huh? Bryan: I've seen humorous parodies of lemons, but that one was just in poor taste. theatre of life that is the Masaki home. Tune in next week at this same time for "Minmei Does Macross". Bryan: That was already on the actual show, really. The End. I bet you thought I wasn't going to let Tenchi get any, didn't you! Silly monkey. Vegeta: You have Misaki drilling him with a dildo!!!! That's not right! Okay. What's all this then? Basically, it's a farcical parody of a number of things -- among them Tenchi Muyou lemons and people who believe that they have established Aristotelian rules of Tenchi Muyou fanfiction. Among other things, it breaks numerous sexual taboos and shamelessly mixes the TV continuities with the OAV universe -- things that really annoy the aforementioned "critics". Bryan: No. Putting Sasami into these situations and having her behave like a slut is what annoys us "critics". Ryoko: The rest just makes for easy MSTing material. Vegeta: Yeah. We already dealt with one lousy fic in a very harsh manner. Don't make us do it again. But at the end of the day, I'm just writing to have fun. No meaning, no moral Zechs: You can say that again. I looked and looked and could find no morals anywhere in these pages. (I'm certainly not suggesting that anyone go out and try this at home!) Ryoko: Speaking of home lives, how's yours? and no real hatred. I hope that my critics will take it in that spirit. Ryoko: Kill the author!!!! Except for Kt'hardin. He can go fuck himself. REBB: That’s a neat trick if he can do it! Bryan: I wonder what beef he has with Kt'hardin. Glyph: You know him? Bryan: Not really. But I read an MST he did. "Tenchi Muyou" was created by Masaki Kajishima and brought to North America by Pioneer LDC. This story, while incorporating characters held under copyright by others, is copyright 2000 by Chris Davies. Nobody Sue Me Okay? Zechs: Shouldn't he have said that at the beginning. Bryan; Like it would have saved him then, anyway. Just then, a communique came in from somewhere deep in space. Glyph: That’s way weird, who’d call us after an MST? Rei: We have a call from Chris Davies. Glyph: (muttering) Never mind. Bryan: On screen. Chris: I want you to know that I enjoyed the suffering that your crews endured. Bryan: Well, I'm glad we could provide you with your daily amusement ^_^ Chris: Does the phrase "Bee dah" mean aught to you wights? Glyph looks at Bryan, puzzled. Bryan shrugs. Bryan: Excuse me? That one's definitely going to need an explanation. Wights? Chris: "People". Specifically, "People with no lives". Bryan(to Glyph): Boy, I guess it DOES show. Glyph:(patting his back in consolation): You'll get one some day. Bryan:(to Chris again): Look, I can see you wanted to do a parody, but it really was kinda tasteless. Chris: It wasn't a parody, you twit! It was a farce! Glyph(to Bryan): Boy, he really is splitting hairs, isn't he? Bryan shrugs: (to Chris): Look, if you're so unhappy about it, do what Peter Suzuki threatened to do and MST our MST. Chris: I'm not going to bother with your MST! It's not worth my time, and neither are you! The screen goes dark. Bryan(Mock upset): I'm hurt. Glyph: Can't win 'em all. But, Boy, did he have a bee up his butt or what? Andrew(on speakers): Glyph, are you guys done? Repairs to the JEDRI are completed. We can leave anytime. The JEDRI crew makes their farewells. Everyone still glares at Cypher, but it’s toned down. Except for Vegeta. Cypher: So am I still in the doghouse for a while? Jedri crew: YES! [the crew are starting to get abroad. Yet you can still hear. . .] Cypher: (flat) oh boy. Bryan: Well, it was nice working with you, Glyph. Next time we'll do this on your ship. Glyph: Well, ok, but it's gonna be a bit tight. As the JEDRI leaves the shuttlebay of the Brian Drummond, Glyph sighs. Another lemon MSTed. But there were still so many out there, and it was a long road. Still, it was nice to know that she had friends to help her out in this kind of work. Now all she had to deal with was a serious hangover. “Hey, REBB, Please talk softly and tell me what was in that can? You seemed to know what was in it.” “My home brew, you know that stuff I had developed after our first MST, ya know, before I found out I can’t get drunk.” “Ouch,” she muttered. “I guess it was that plus stuff then?” “Oh, the three hundred proof, yeah.” It was going to be a long day. . . She thought, realizing that her watch had said the night had passed. Hangovers hurt. But then she learned to shake it off quickly. Some ibuprofen and a glass of milk, should just about do it. Log Notes: Heh, didn’t think we’d be doing another lemon for awhile. But this one was a gift from our friend, Weber-san. After No Need For Grief, we figured to try and do an MST together. Usually when the JEDRI crew picks an MST, we read a section and if we could get some jokes in before we pass a certain number of pages, we’d do it. But with Lemons, that’s kinda hard to do, because the nature of the beast, heh, of the subject, is kinda sensitive to begin with. Anyway, Sorry, Chris, if you are so damn upset about us MSTing your work, I admit, usually picking back at us makes it funnier. Frankly, that’s the same I’ve been doing for years to MASH on the tube. It would help if you were planning a farce, or whatever type of story you’re doing to say at the beginning, it would make it easier. Anyway, The reason I think MSTing got started, at least for us, the Jedri crew, was the fact that people take things too seriously. Have a little bit of fun for life. If you’re that tight about a work, that just even bugs people like me worse. I do have morals, but I do also have reasons for doing this, that is—may this land on my head, I like humor. Enjoy your life. Glyph Bellchime