Space. It's pretty lonely, all in all. The odds of two ships crossing each others' paths is astronomical, because space is really damn huge. However, that's what plot devices are. Really astronomical events with little chance of realistically happening that happen because the author really wants them to. This is the story of one of those events... NIGHT OF THE KAGATO A Flight of the HMS Zap Rowsdower Special Season Finale Event Part III: Lab Rats and Potato Bugs "That's it. This has gone too far." "What do you mean, Cyrus?" "I mean this is the end of your sick experiment. People are getting HURT, dammit! I'm stopping all of this." "You stop, you get no more fuel and free maintenance. No more fuel and maintenance, you float in space until you die." "Burn in hell. I'll survive long enough." "It's awfully lonely in space." "Go fuck yourself." * * * * * "Are you okay, Ken?" Misato asked as she handed the shivering boy some tea. He had been in an escape pod with a meager heating system at best. And now Ken was very cold. "I'm fine," Ken said as he sipped the tea. Kiyone sat down next to him and draped a blanket over him. "You need anything, just tell us." Across the room, Duo muttered something. "What was that?" asked Misato, snuggling up to Ken and putting her arm around him. "Nothing." "Oh, okay." Cyrus walked back into the room just then. "How's everyone doing?" he asked. "Ken seems to be okay. He's still traumatized by the molesting, I think," Duo said. "I wasn't molested!" Ken protested. Misato hugged him tight. "It's okay, you can tell us about it. We'll still love you." "But I wasn't molested..." Ken reiterated weakly. "It's good to see that you're all helping Ken deal with his sexual abuse. I'm glad I showed you guys those videos about dealing with a mentally scarred individual. And to think, I always thought it would be Kiyone..." Cyrus stroked his chin for a second. "I had some important news...oh, what was it? That's right!" He snapped his fingers. "Guys, you can leave. I'm ending the mission." Everyone looked up at once in surprise. "Bwah?" they all said simultaneously. Ken was the first one to figure out what to say after Cyrus's announcement. "What? Why?" "This started out as a fun little exercise, but now people are getting hurt. For God's sake, Ken, he molested you!" Ken stood up and grabbed Cyrus by the shoulders. "For the last time, I was NOT molested!" he yelled, shaking Cyrus. "What? Then what did Kagato do to you?" "Nothing. He just fixed some strudel and we had that and some green tea. Discussed things like politics, schemes to rule the world, stuff like that." "Oh. So, um, why did you try to escape?" Cyrus asked. "I didn't. I was cold, and Kagato said he had left a comforter in the escape pod. I went to go get it, and I accidentally pressed the 'get shot into space' button." Ken sheepishly admitted. Before anyone could respond Wormon's voice came over the intercom. "Cyrus, Kagato's hailing us. He wants to speak to you, in private." "Patch it through to my room. I'll take it in there," Cyrus said, striding briskly down the hall towards his room. "But, it isn't possible to do that." "Oh, right. Have him call me on my shoe phone. You know the number. "No I don't." "That's okay, I don't have a shoe phone. Look, I'll just call him, okay? What's his number?" There was a brief silence. "Okay, it's-dammit, I dropped it on the floor." The sound of shuffling papers filled the speaker before Wormon spoke, "'1-900-DYKES- 4-U'. Wait, that's not right." "Why is everyone looking at me?" Kiyone asked. "I don't use those sorts of services." "Nobody's looking at you, Kiyone," Misato pointed out. "Oh, right." Wormon's voice came back again, "'1-900-555-EVIL'." "You have to be kidding me." "No, it actually is '555-EVIL'." "Not that. That he's going to make me pay him for the privilege of talking to him!" Cyrus whined. Suddenly, Kagato's voice came over the intercom. "Just shut up and get to today's MST." "But we're not MSTing anymore," Cyrus said. "This is the end." "No, it is not. I have prepared a fic for you, and you are going to watch it. Now get into the theater before I am forced to depressurize the room you are in." "What?" Cyrus exclaimed. "Did you hack into our computer system?" "No," Kagato said tiredly, "I have a large gun and it is aimed at your head." "I see. Well, I guess we have to MST." The crew resignedly walked out of the lounge, filing into the theater one at a time. As soon as the theater doors shut behind them, a green shaft of light appeared and Kagato stepped out. He took a seat in the recliner and picked up the remote. "Well, no sense in just sitting around doing nothing." He clicked the TV on. "I wonder if this thing gets Spice?" _____________________________________________________________________________ : So, um, for curiosity's sake, why in the hell does Kagato want us to MST? And what does he want us to MST? : (Looks at his clipboard) Um, "Tenchi and his Gay Lovers" by AAA- PhuckNut. Not a very original choice, I think. : The classics, huh? Tenchi and his Gay Lovers : Can you smell that? That's quality. : Yeah, I had to turn on the vent because there was too much quality in the bathroom this morning. Another screwed up fic from a screwed up person, AAA-PhuckNut : Indeed. I guess the author is grounded, at least. : At least. Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, Pioneer and AIC do. I make no claims to them. _________________________________________________________________________ Tenchi awoke from his good nights sleep, but didnt see Ryoko anywhere to greet him, : He suspected a trap. : It was quiet. : Too quiet. "Uh oh, Ryoko isnt around, I better be careful, she might try to ambush me!" Tenchi said very nervously. Tenchi cautiously got out of his bed and got dressed and slowly headed out of his room, : ...holding his shotgun and twitching. "Oh god please, Oh god please, please dont let her jump me!" prayed Tenchi. : 'Cause, you know, I'm into men and all. "Why cant these girls just figure it out already! Cant they tell im not interested in them?! Im into MEN!!" Tenchi thought to himself. : Ha! There go all of Duo's jokes! : Is that a challenge? : Great work, Kiyone. Tenchi went down to the kitchen, luckily avoiding Ryoko and Ayeka, and was greeted by a smiling Sasami, "Hi Tenchi! Good morning!" said Sasami. "Oh hi Sasami, the food smells great, like always" said Tenchi. "I bet you cant wait for your birthday in just 5 days!!" Sasami said happily. : Then you'll be of age and I'll no longer be committing statutory rape! : What the hell? : Well, technically she is older than Tenchi. "Oh ya! It will be fun!" said Tenchi. The rest of the gang showed up for breakfast too. And much to Tenchi's dismay, Ryoko and Ayeka glomped all over him. : I remember the time I glomped all over a guy. I had a lot of drinks that night. (5 days later) ___________________________________________________________________________ Tenchi woke up extra early because he was so excited that it was his birthday today, "Yes! Its my birthday!! WOOHOO!!" Tenchi cheered. : This calls for a celebration! Break out the beer and cheap hookers! : Eh, just head over to Misato's. It's a wonderful simulation. : You wish you could, Duo. Just then Ryoko phased through the ceiling, totaly naked, and landed on top of Tenchi, "Oh Tenchi!! Happy birthday my sexy little man!!" Ryoko said seductivly. : To each her own, I suppose. "Please Ryoko!! Not today!!" said Tenchi angrily. "But Tenchi, why? Dont you want me?!" pouted Ryoko. : I thought we cleared this up when Tenchi was explaining how he was gay. In the sense that he likes cock. : Or would make out with Cyrus. : Hey, Cyrus initiated that kiss! : Hey, that was to prove a point! "You know that I dont like it when you do this!! And plus todays my birthday and the least you can do is, do what I ask!" Tenchi said angrily. : It's my birthday, which means I become bitch queen of the world! Ryoko pouted then phased through the wall and headed towards her room. "If only Ryoko was a guy then things would be different!!" Tenchi thought to himself happily. : Yes, then this fic could just bring on the gay loving. Fantastic. Tenchi got dressed and headed downstairs for breakfast, "Good morning Tenchi!! I cooked your favorite because its your birthday!!" Sasami beamed happily. : Oh, sausage! And rice balls! : Duo... : What? you can't blame a guy for liking Sasami's balls! : Death will find you all in your sleep. "Oh thank you very much Sasami!" said Tenchi. Tenchi ate his breakfast very happily and went through the rest of his day like usual, getting a "happy birthday!" from everyone. _________________________________________________________________________ Later on, around 6 p.m., everyone was gathered around inside the living room, : I can't help but think this surprise party was pretty poorly planned. "Happy birthday Tenchi!!" said everyone except Tenchi. "Oh thank you guys very much!" said Tenchi. "I baked you a special chocolate cake!" Sasami said as she brought out the cake. : It has a full kilo of heroin in it! "Thanks! I love chocolate cake!" Tenchi said. Yosho lit the candles on the cake and they sung happy birthday to Tenchi, "Ok Tenchi!! make a wish!!" said Noboyuki. : I wish I were a real boy! : I wish my dad would use one damn exclamation point! And capitalize! : I wish I had a pony! : I wish I were as sexy as Duo! : I wish Duo were dead! "I wish... I wish... I wish that all the girls in the house were boys!!" Tenchi thought to himself. Tenchi then blew out the candles and everyone cheered. : That's not the only thing Tenchi wants to blow, let me tell you. Tenchi openedall his gifts and they ate the cake. : But someone left the cake out in the rain! : But it took so long to bake it! : And I don't think I can take it! : And I'll never have that recipe agaaiiin! : I hope you all die. "Thank you all for a wonderful birthday!" said Tenchi. "No problem Tenchi!!" everyone except Tenchi said happily. Tenchi then headed off for bed. He fell asleep pretty quickly and he had a wonderful dream about what his life would be like if the girls were actually boys. : It'd have a lot fewer fans, I'll tell you that. ________________________________________________________________________ ((and heres where the shit hits the fan!)) - AAA-PhuckNut : *sigh* I suppose this will be where everything goes bad, huh? : If you can't trust AAA-PhuckNut, who can you trust? : You want the whole list? Tenchi awoke from his wonderful dream, and was pretty sad that it had to end, "Man! that was such a good dream!" Tenchi said. : I was in this swamp, trying to rescue Tom Cruise and his sidekick from Tom Cruise's retarded twin! Except the twin was murdering people with a Venetian blind, you see...hey, why are you all looking at me like that? Just then Ryoko phased through the ceiling and fell right onto Tenchi, "Ryoko Pl-" Tenchi said, but cut himself short when he noticed something very different about her, her chest was flat and more muscular, her arms were bulkier and her overall frame was bigger, and the most noticeable, there was a giant bulge in her pants. Ryoko wasnt a her!! Ryoko was a HIM!! : And then, the oral sex! "Oh my god!! this cant be happening!! it must be a dream!!" thought Tenchi. "Oh Tenchi! I want you so bad!" said Ryoko. "Ryoko.. I.. I.. want you so badly too!!" screamed Tenchi very happily. Tenchi then got a huge erection as Ryoko pulled down his pants revealing his huge cock. : My brain hurts. : At least you're not Duo. Duo here just had thousands of fantasies turned upside down and backwards on him. : Why won't it stop throbbing? Why? : Huh, I never pegged him for a Ryoko fan. : He's an "anything that moves and has tits" fan, really. "Your so big Ryoko! I love you so much!!" said Tenchi. "I love you too Tenchi!" said Ryoko very gleefully. Tenchi then took his pants off and slid his penis into Ryoko's manly asshole and started to bounce him up and down on his penis. : Hmm...you know, I can't really say that assholes differ in their masculinity. And believe you me, I've seen a few assholes in my day. : There's one sitting right next to me. : Hey! : Throb. : GAH! It hurts! "OH YES RYOKO!! Your ass is so firm and muscular!!" screamed Tenchi. Just then Ayeka burst into the room. Ayeka had all the features of a valiant prince, and a big schlong to boot! : Fantastic. I'm beside myself with joy. "HOW DARE YOU HAVE SEX WITH TENCHI WITHOUT ME!!" screamed Ayeka. "Calm down! just come and join us!!" said Tenchi and Ryoko. Ayeka then got on top of Tenchi in a 69 form and stuck his penis into Tenchi's mouth and started to suck on Ryoko's penis. : Is anybody else here having trouble visualizing this? : Is anybody else here TRYING to visualize this? "OH YESSSSSS!!!!!" screamed all 3 of them. They all came at the same time, filling each other with their sperm. : I can't help but think this is taking Gabe's whole "if it's empty, fill it with cream" idea too far. : *sigh* Penny Arcade, huh? "Ok, lets try something different!" said Tenchi. "Ok!" said Ryoko and Ayeka. : Let's shoot ourselves! : Okay! Tenchi then got on his hands and knees and Ayeka got on top of Tenchi and shoved his penis into Tenchi's tight teenaged ass. Ryoko then got on top of Ayeka and stuck his cock into Ayeka's anus. "Ok here we go!" said Tenchi. : Does everybody have their tray tables in the full upright position! : Please, don't say "full upright position" during this fic. Then they started their little orgy. : Unless I'm mistaken, it started a while ago. : Phucknut's a little slow on the uptake. "Oh Ryoko! I love it when you put your giant cock in my ass!" said Ayeka. "Prince Ayeka! your asshole is so tight!" said Ryoko. Then Yosho walked into the room and instantly wanted to get in on the action. : Of course. "Tenchi! May I join in please?" asked Yosho. "Of course grandpa!" beamed Tenchi. "Come here and stick your old johnson right into my mouth!" said Tenchi. : So, um...this is yaoi? : Yep. : Never understood the chicks who like this. : Me neither. Yosho then nodded his head and walked over to Tenchi. Then Yosho removed his robe and stuck his wrinkled penis into Tenchi's moist mouth. "MMMMM Tenchi!! You are so good at giving blow-jobs!" said Yosho. Yosho then dropped his 'hot pocket' into Tenchi's mouth, who swallowed very happily. : I am so thoroughly disgusted. And not just because I had a Hot Pocket for breakfast. "mmmm, very delicious grandfather." Tenchi said. : Filled with vitamins and minerals! : Part of this complete breakfast. : I hope you all die. "Why thank you Tenchi." Yosho said. Just then Noboyuki walked in........ : No. Please no. ________________________________________________________________________ Noboyuki woke up terrified, he was sweating all over. : Thank God. Sort of. "OH MY GOD!! oh.. whew.. it was just a dream." said Noboyuki sounding very relieved. : The next morning, Noboyuki delivered his "I have a Dream" speech to thousands of discriminated Japanese architects. : ...and was summarily killed in mass rioting and vomiting. Noboyuki looked at his clock and it said it was 3:00 p.m. "Funny.. I dont remember falling asleep after I woke up this morning.." said Noboyuki. "Well, Tenchi should be home soon from school, so I'll go meet him at the door." Noboyuki said as he headed for the front door. : Perhaps if I narrate everything I say, this story won't suck! : Perhaps you're wrong. 5 minutes later Tenchi came walking in, "Hey dad Im home!" yelled Tenchi. Noboyuki came walking around the corner and greeted his son, : So, it took him five minutes to get to the door. Slow bastard, ain't he? "Hey Tenchi, you have a good day at school today?" Noboyuki asked. "Ya dad, I got something to tell you." said Tenchi. "Sure go ahead and tell away." said Noboyuki. : I have a weakness for juicy gossip. "I had sex with my science teacher today!" said Tenchi. "Yes!! hes not gay!! it was just a dream and this proves it!!" Noboyuki thought to himself. : Why didn't he just go and make sure the chicks still had breasts? Wouldn't that have been easily as effective as waiting for Tenchi to come home and talk about who he's had sex with? : Duo, that's a good point. Where the hell did you get it? "THATS GREAT SON!! Your finally becoming a man!!" beamed a proud Noboyuki as he patted Tenchi on the shoulders. "So you gonna go back tonight and get some more? eh?" asked Noboyuki as he winked his eye. : Nudge nudge wink wink grin grin say no more? "Nah, his penis was too big, ill need to give my ass a day to heal." said Tenchi. "............." was all Noboyuki was able to do..... : All he could do was shake his head and improperly use an ellipsis. Twice. _________________________________________________________________________ THE END Pretty twisted ending huh? HEHEHE : Yeah, you really put one over on us, PhuckNut old buddy! : Ha ha! Dick. Send all comments to: viperz00@winfire.com _____________________________________________________________________________ As the crew exited the theater, they discovered Kagato sitting in the recliner watching TV. Duo slammed the door to the theater shut loudly, and Kagato jumped visibly in his seat and turned off the TV. Cyrus gasped. "Were you watching scrambled porn?" "No," Kagato replied, his voice implying any further queries would be met with harsh punishment. He motioned to Cyrus. "We need to talk." "Right, let's go to my room." Cyrus turned and walked down the hall, followed by Kagato. "...and make out?" Kiyone asked. Cyrus stopped. "No, where did you get a sick idea like that?" "I'm a yaoi fiend. So sue me." "After what we just watched?" Cyrus asked incredulously. "That wasn't yaoi! Yaoi isn't crass sex like that. It's a sensual love between two bishonen guys! It's about destroying boundaries that society has created! It's about--" "-watching two effeminate guys go into a room, grunt a lot, and then walk funny," Misato finished for her. "Shut up," Kiyone said, crossing her arms. "Let me have my dreams." Kagato and Cyrus both turned back around and headed towards his room, shaking their heads. "Assholes," Kiyone muttered under her breath. As soon as Cyrus and Kagato were gone, Duo spoke. "Alright, we have a very important question. Who is going to sit in the recliner." "What's wrong with the recliner?" Ken asked. Duo stammered for a moment, "Well, well, he was, um, he was watching naughty people doing things. Yeah." "Duo, I just watched a bunch of gay guys having hot buttsex. And that's not the worst we've seen. I think I'd be corrupted enough that you wouldn't have to use code words around me," Ken replied. "Point taken. Still, who gets the couch?" "I'll fight you for it," Misato said. * * * * * * Meanwhile, in Cyrus's room... "You want to what?" Cyrus asked again, unbelieving. "I've said it many times, I wish to become the main source of funding for your project. And I have only one condition." "Ah, but of course." Cyrus had been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Did Kagato want him to produce weapons? Murder babies? Eat improperly cooked stuffing? "I want to pick the fan fiction. It is all part of my grand scheme." "You have a scheme," Cyrus said drily. "Yes, it all began when I abducted Ken. You see, I had originally intended for him to become my associate, a like mind with whom I would conquer the universe. But upon speaking to him, I discovered that he was far less psychotic than I had originally suspected." Cyrus nodded. "Wait, you figured all of this out from one conversation?" Kagato shifted his eyes to the ground. "Well, I kind of did that thing where I plunge my hand into his face and manipulate his brain. But I made sure he forgot it." "Wonderful." "As I was saying, he was hardly psychotic enough to be an adequate co-villain. Then a thought entered my head. Perhaps horrible fan fiction could make him psychotic enough!" Cyrus rolled his eyes. "Oh, right. Good assumption." "So, in order to test my hypothesis, I genetically engineered some potato bugs with the ability to watch horrible fan fiction and make equally horrible jokes--" "Hey!" "--and gave them an elaborate series of psychological tests before and after. Allow me to show you the results." Kagato brought up his ethereal laptop and pressed a few buttons. Moments later, there was a projection on the wall, displaying the words "Potato Bug Experiment #3001A" in an attractive white courier new font on a black background. "'Potato Bug Experiment #3001A'?" Cyrus asked. "Do you do a lot of experiments with potato bugs?" "I have a lot of potatoes. Now be quiet and watch." The title disappeared and a recording of a potato bug took its place. A white glove slid a tiny picture of two children hugging towards the potato bug. "Tell me what you see," said Kagato's voice. There was a stream of chittering, and subtitles appeared at the bottom of the screen. "I see love and joy." Then, another title came up. "Post-Experiment Psychological Analysis" This time, Kagato pushed a picture of two bunny rabbits playing hopscotch in a field of dasies. "What do you see?" Once again there was chittering, but this time it sounded much more angst-filled and hateful. The subtitles appeared again: "I see the infinite pain of existence forcing itself upon the individuals, causing them untold sadness. The truly pathetic thing about this sadness is that amounts to little more than dust in the infinite universe." Cyrus snorted. "I have the feeling you embellished a bit." "No, I merely made it more poetic," Kagato said. "What was it literally?" Kagato pressed a few buttons on his laptop. "It was 'HATEHATEHATEHATE Judge Judith Sheindlin HATE', literally." "'Judge Judith Sheindlin'? What the hell?" "Isn't my version much better?" Kagato asked smugly. "Anyway, what you're telling me is that you managed to genetically engineer potato bugs in a matter of hours in order to ensure that this MSTing would make Ken more psychotic?" Cyrus asked. "I prefer the term 'less not psychotic', but yes." Kagato answered. "Okay, sounds good. Just, um, don't fuck up Ken too bad. Make him as psychotic as you, and then stop. Because Scrabble night would be a bitch if he starts only using words about killing and hatred. It's bad enough with Duo only spelling body parts or names of porn stars." Cyrus nodded. "That's my final offer." "Agreed." Kagato reached out his hand for Cyrus to shake. Cyrus reached to take it, then screamed when Kagato quickly lunged past the hand and plunged his fingers into Cyrus's eye sockets, viewing the inside of his mind. It was only for a moment, then Kagato broke the link, letting Cyrus return to reality. "Ha! Good one, Kagato! You're such a kidder. That sure as hell beats the Joy Buzzer!" "Yes, indeed," Kagato said, smiling faintly. "You know, I could hardly wave my arms in there," he pointed to Cyrus's head, "without hitting a blond-haired man in a red coat. Who is he? And why was he sometimes naked?" "Um, never mind him," Cyrus said anxiously. "Let's go tell the crew the good news." Cyrus practically ran out of the room to avoid further questioning. Kagato shrugged and followed. Whatever sick obsession this poor fool of a man had, it was not in his problem. His problem was how to kill the superintelligent potato bugs roaming the Souja. Kagato stroked his chin. "Hmm...perhaps superintelligent poisoned potatoes. That's good, I should write that down." Done with his contemplation for the moment, Kagato swept out of the room to meet his new subjects. * * * * * * "Does that look like a stain to you?" Duo had drawn the short straw and had to sit in the recliner. "No," Kiyone said, not even bothering to look up from the magazine she was reading. "What about this? I just know the sick fucker mastur--" "Ahem," came Kagato's voice from behind Duo. "--fully orchestrated a plan to capture Tsunami unit that had no chance of failing," Duo finished without missing a beat. "Guys, good news! We can keep MSTing! No going the way of the Beatles or Harvey Danger for us!" Cyrus said excitedly. "Really?" asked Misato. "Yeah! I'd like you to meet our new Chief Executive Officer, Kagato...um, what's your last name, Kagato?" "Forrester," Kagato answered drily. Cyrus did a double take. "Really?" "No. My last name is irrelevant. As is my title. All that matters is that you have a fic right," Kagato paused for a second, "now." Exactly on cue, the fanfic alert went off. "ENTER THE THEATER OR FACE PAIN THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU HAVE NEVER KNOWN, WASTE PRODUCTS." "Mine were catchier," Duo muttered bitterly. "Not like this evil old child molest--mph!" "Heh heh," Kiyone chuckled nervously towards Kagato, dragging Duo into the theater and shutting the door behind them. Once they were all gone, Kagato turned the TV back on. "I find it difficult believe WB is scrambled on this," he commented to himself. "What form of cable do they have here?" _____________________________________________________________________________ The following is a work of parody. All characters and situations are fictions based on Copyrighted materials belonging to AIC & Pioneer. : AIC & Pioneer. They just need a buddy cop movie about them. Where they hunt down and beat bad fic writers. : That would be so incredibly cool. Although this work describes events well within the outlines of the original material, good sense and good taste has prevented the original creators from going so far... : Is that an incredibly verbose and annoying way of saying, "This fic is a senseless, tasteless, pile of crap"? How far have I gone? Well, if you object to explicit sexuality, probably further than you want to go, so stop here. : Who objects to sexuality? That's like objecting to hunger or fatigue. : Actually, I think he's trying to say that this is a shitty piece of erotica. But using as many words as possible. If you go on, you will not find your ordinary pornographic jargon and magnified sexuality. I have endeavored to describe sex more vividly and realistically than is customary in the genre; : The genre being "fics written by losers", of course. if I have not succeeded, at least the sexual activities and appatites are more or less within the normal range of human behavior and abilities. : Oh, good. Because we wouldn't want the characters behaving like aliens or anything. Just humans from space. "RYOUKO NO YUME" : Translation: "Dream of Ryoko" : Can't he just say it in English? I mean, I know Japanese too, but you don't see me using it all the time. : I thought that was because Cyrus doesn't know Japanese. : Well, yeah. Washu-chan seldom slept. : She usually just drank until she passed out. Driven by the desires of her human self, the desire to ever and again prove herself the greatest scientist in the universe, to know every working of creation, : ...to be as redundant and wordy as possible... her quest for knowlege continued night and day. The goddess within sustained her, as she had ever since the diminutive scientist had lain broken in dispair : Well, so far his spelling is about average for the genre. at the cruel loss of child and lover, some twenty thousand years before,and the goddess had come in. : Hey, nice place you've got here! Mind if I crash for a while? It'll just be until I get a job and back on my feet, I swear. When her body demanded rest, she would take momentary cat-naps, or she would lie still, meditating on the deeper questions. : Why are we here? : What is the sound of one hand clapping? : If a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound? : How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? : If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how many pancakes does it take to shingle a henhouse? (Looks around) What? You guys took all the good ones. Some lonely nights, the goddess would demand that she sleep mortal sleep and dream mortal dreams, : Like the one where you're naked in front of a whole bunch of people? promising to protect her from the bogies of her ancient past, as she always had. : "Bogies". I guess Washu was an avid golfer, or something. On such a night, secure in her private subspace, which from under the stairway opened into the darkened Masaki household, She lay abed, : "Abed", for when you want to sound like a total ass. her mind opened and relaxed as it seldom had in the months since her release from Kagato's prison. : Yes, a thrilling jailbreak! She tunneled through ten miles of sheetrock with a spoon and the skull of a bird! She chuckled to herself as she remembered the fiasco of the Dimension Tuner. It was a good thing that willful little Ryouko had been the first to set the tuner on her desires. : Because, you know, Ayeka's world would have been a giant BDSM fetish, and that wouldn't have been good for anyone involved. Of course hers was the only desire that worked, because it was the first one set, and only Ryouko would be stubborn enough to give up her desire, : Yes, you have to be pretty stubborn to commit a selfless act of sacrifice like that. Hardheaded bitch. in order to, as she put it 'win Tenchi away from the other girls in fair competition'. I wonder... : Hey, who the hell are you? Where'd you come from? And why in the hell are you narrating this fic all of a sudden? what did Ryouko and Tenchi really do during those three days they were alone together in a universe set to fulfil Ryouko's desires? : Seriously, how stupid are you? I'm talking to you, "guy who is wondering for some reason in the middle of the fic all of a sudden". Tenchi had come back unchanged, : ...as opposed to the point of view of this fic. : "Dreams of a Spastic POV Change" so it seemed, avowing that nothing had really happened. He said, "We came back, didn't we?" : I mean, you know that it's customary to form a murder-suicide pact after sex, right? He seemed just as repulsed as ever by Ryouko's excess of immodest public flirtation, and yet, it was Tenchi, not Ryouko, who had almost succumbed to the desire to remain in Ryouko's dream universe. : Huh. He wanted to stay in the perfect dream world set up by Ryoko for the two of them. How odd. (Hmm...I wonder if I could...is Ryouko?...mmm...) : So, this is what it feels like to be stupid. I'd always wondered, and Duo won't ever explain. : Hey! I think you just insulted me! Ryouko-chan is dreaming in that half sleeping state where the mind is open and drifting. Mmm, yes. : Mmm, Campbell's soup. Mmm mmm good. Her body is so warm and snuggly, and oh... Washu's eternally pubescent body shyly, reluctantly answers the lusty vitality of her ultimate love-child. : I really hope the sex is better than the grammar. : "Dreams of a Random Tense Change" Oh yes, it will be a piece of cake to guide this open and innocent mind, to know what she knows, to let the remaining filiments of Zero-Ryouko's innocence revel in the reality of living on as part of the true Ryouko. : So, um, do I not understand this because it's over my head, or because it's incredibly stupid? : The latter. A little subtle prodding here and there, and without a hint of suspicion, Ryouko's unconscious is replaying the argument that started the whole thing. : PC! : Linux! : PC! : Linux! 'Christmas eve', she was saying 'Aeka lay drunk....Tenchi told me...'only you'...his hand caressing me, down there. : Mommy, he's touching me in my special place! Aeka thinks I am lying, heh... and tells a tale of her own.' But Washu knows, Aeka's tale is true, he told Aeka at the temple, 'Only you'. : ...can prevent forest fires. : Honestly, this fic couldn't make any less sense, even if Smokey the Bear randomly showed up. Ryouko's mind goes back to her earlier moment. : The moment when she realized she should kill them all. Christmas Eve, Ryouko is sitting cross-legged on the railing outside the second floor, her body unconsciously immune to the cold, : Yes, she's only immune to the cold when she's asleep. her slightly Sake hazed mind drifting with the falling snowflakes. An ordinary mortal would have been uncomfortable, teetering there above the darkness, in one of her open robes. : However, Ryoko is no ordinary mortal. She's a superslut! All the house lights are out, Sasami to bed, Aeka passed out, Washu in her lab. Only herself, alone in the darkness, and where is Tenchi? : Why, he's in this cupboard. An unwanted hot wetness brims Ryouko's eyes. : And somewhere else, too, heh heh... The door slides open and shut behind her. She can sense the heat, hear the breathing, the soft padding of tabi-clad feet. : For those of us who don't know "Otaku Japanese", a tabi is...hold on a second...(thumbs through a Japanese-English Dictionary)..."a pair of socks". : Yeah, but they have a split toe. So they're special. With all her instincts she knows, it is Tenchi, and how she longs to spring upon him, hold his body to hers, to feel every intimate shape and portion. : This guy should teach a course on "writing like a pretentious ass". Something in the night holds her back. Somehow, under the imprint of Zero-Ryouko she knows, time hangs suspended in the snowing darkness for Ryouko. : Yes, you see, um...what the hell is wrong with this fic? : I think it's broken. : Probably just the author's brain. 'Shhh...stay still, and let this moment be. You alone are for me' : The camerawork in Blair Witch was less confusing than this nonsense. And the camera in that was attached to the head of a dog having seizures. Slender soft warm hands enter the open sleeves of her robe, caress the fulness of her breasts. Were she not flushed with desire, such a touch would tickle. : Cootchie-cootchie-coo! Fingers trace the small firmness of her nipples. A hand brushes down her belly under the silken robe, to the nakedness down there. : Crappy erotica is written. : The author is completely incompetent. : My head is filled with stupid. No other hand but her own has ever touched her there, to her memory. : Yeah, all the other times she was drunk out of her mind. Oh, how she has longed for this moment, and the next, and every moment thereafter. Hot and cool, wetness becomes on those untouched lips, fingers with more sureness than they should, : So the author's pretty much saying, "Hey, in case you forgot, Tenchi's a loser and a virgin, but I'm making him Ron Jeremy in this fic." : Rub it in, Anyaku. Rub it in. smoothly part the wetness. Surely this wonderful boy will pull away from that female wetness, but he does not. : Ewww, did you wet yourself? he leans against her, breathing on her neck, nibbles her ear, teeth playing her earlobe, tongueing her gem, : As we all know, jewelry is an erogenous zone. : For some women it is... 'this is not yet the moment, but it will come. Be still and let me hold you'. : So he comes up and starts fondling her for the purpose of NOT having sex? I see. He wants her to get so frustrated she goes and fucks Nobuyuki. Tears of frustrated desire shamefully floods her eyes as she is pressed against him, feeling the warmth of his manhood pressing through his own thin garments. : Yeah, his G-string. 'Oh, that naughty Tenchi!', Washu gasps to herself, her own body flushed with Ryouko's remembered passion. 'He's playing with us all! : Yeah, he's been playing bocce! In a symbolic way, of course. Well, Tsunami must know what she's doing, letting him play.' : After all, Tsunami is controlling all of Tenchi's actions. : Wait, so when Tenchi masturbates, that's because of-- OH SICK! Ruefully, Washu puts aside the thought of such play herself. After Mihoshi's goddess inspired blundering stopped her the first time, : Goddess inspired. Right. Mihoshi did what she did because of divine influence. : Cyrus, the stupid makes my brain hurt. : There there, it'll all be over, and we can read something by AAA-PhuckNut. At least he doesn't pretend to be writing anything besides garbage. Washu's goddess brought her to sharp reminder-'silly naughty girl games yes, sperm samples yes, but if you slip it in, your eternal childhood is gone, forever, along with me; : Hmmm...sex, or forever being lusted after by pedophiles. You drive a hard bargain, goddess. : She can give handjobs, though. Handjobs aren't sex! and never, ever force anyone, for that was Kagato's way.' Washu returns to her dreaming lovechild. : He's using "lovechild" in the classic "created in a lab" sense. In the frigid night air, through thin garments, Ryouko can sense the pheromones, the moisture, the lubricity of Tenchi's desire. : I guess we're back in Ryoko's mind, or something. : "Dreams of a Clear Writing Style" Complex chemical formulas drift through the analytical portions of her mind, tinkered by Washu to explore the far reaches of the Cosmos. : What continuity is this? Who are these people? What show did this guy watch? : Yeah, this would make more sense as, say, a "Family Matters" fanfic. Goddess, what a scientist she'd make, if only she could care. Damn that Kagato to one of the many hells these earthlings are so fond of inventing for their tormentors. : Yes, damn Kagato to hell for Ryoko's lack of motivation! : Curse him to hell for Mihoshi's clumsiness! : Actually, that's caused by a goddess, remember? : Oh, right. You can't wave your arms without hitting a goddess in this fic. The goddess laughs, 'even now he burns, will never have what he desires. Don't waste your curses on him, : Waste your poorly written monologues on him, like me! Ryouko is the child you always wanted, and she will be whole, though it takes thousands of years. : This is the "I was high and wrote something down" writing style, right? The damage took millinia, the healing may take longer.' Washu is shocked that the goddess is here, in this moment of her being. : Yeah, usually she's out drinking and whoring. Fingers slip from wetted lips, body pulls away, fading into the darkness and sliding door. It is not her imagination that she hears a sniffling and tonguing of fingers, like a curious kitten grooming it's paws. : That analogy's even more apt if it's grooming its paws after having them in a woman's vagina. Ryouko cries alone in the darkness, shivering from a cold lonliness within, to her it is a familiar theme. : The theme from "Ghostbusters". : I ain't afraid of no ghosts! Ryouko's dreaming slips foreward to a morning. Tenchi is sleeping, on futon, on tatami, as Ryouko surreptitiously peeks in. Heh, heh, she has a plan. : She's going to put his hand in a bowl of warm water. Flash away robe, teleport silently next to the sleeping boy, under the covers naked, against him, around him, intertwined with him, blissful memory of closeness. : Read crappy fic, sigh at poor writing, pray for death. Damn, why does he wear pajamas, anyway? : Yeah, he should just walk around naked. Let anyone who wants to get an eyeful. Tenchi is awakening, Aeka and Sasami have come to call him to breakfast. Why does he deny we are lovers, why angry? : My guess would be that he hates you. Why, also, is Aeka so angry; now she is hitting us with that stick? Doesn't she love Tenchi too? Ouch! : Hahahahahaha! BWAHAHAHAHA! : She thinks like a damn retarded five year-old! Washu wonders, curious: Why should Ryouko take this? Why does she never strike hard at that Aeka? Ah, there is something within her, to her Aeka is like a mirror of love and hurt. : This isn't a unique writing style, this is a seizure that somebody put on paper. Ryouko would be sister, would share, eternally rebuffed. : Poor Ryoko, Ayeka always turns down her offers for hot kinky sex. Now the argument. Yes, each girl knows she is telling the truth, Tenchi is her lover, each doubts the others. : So if I'm following this correctly, Tenchi is a manslut. And he's nailing every chick in the house. : Yeah, I know. I mean, that isn't Tenchi. He's-- : --my hero. : Yeah, that. Tenchi has woven a troublesome web of deception, and he knows it. There is Washu; 'am I really that guileful child?' Ryouko resents her, and it hurts. 'It is not fair, I did not cause Kagato to deceive me, : Yeah, she led him on! I did not mean to bring my child into the world for suffering and lonliness. Ryouko, it is not I who stole your childhood.' : Yes, it was Kagato. Everything is Kagato's fault in Tenchi. It's almost like he was created for the sole purpose of bearing everyone else's sins. : So Kagato's like Jesus? : Yes, but he's come back to life more times. Ryouko stirs, and Washu must still her inner voice, lest Ryouko awaken and discover Washu mucking about in her dreams. : MOM! Stop watching my doglike thought process! The Dimension Tuner appears, and yes, Ryouko is first, then Aeka, Sasami, and finally Mihoshi. Egad! : Eureka! : Consarnit! : Sweet sassy molassy! : Jimminy Jillickers! : Blimey O'Reilly! She actually thinks it is a rice cooker. How does that girl manage to find her way out of bed in the morning? : Well, based on this fic's reasoning, probably a goddess. No wonder her ideal universe turned out so badly. Oh, that smug fool Ryouko, too; she thinks it's so great fading away from me, the initial settings being hers guaranteed her universe. : Or her money back. Hmm, didn't know she phased through the other's universes, maybe now I'll find out what it is that put Aeka and Mihoshi so off their dream. : I guess they shared a dream. What could Mihoshi and Ayeka have in common? : An intense desire for lesbian sex. : Gee, I guess it wasn't as good as the real thing then. They are in some sort of school, Aeka, Tenchi, Ryouko. They are in uniform, and Aeka has some sort of official position. : Doggy-style. She is searching other students, sees Ryouko's self coming, hurrying to join and embarrass Tenchi. Aeka stops Ryouko and begins searching, now begin a body search? : Holy shit...you have to be kidding me. I was right? How rediculous, reaching under Ryouko's top, she feels it strange, almost good, to have Aeka's hands cup around her breasts, feeling. : Just making sure you're not packing heat, uh, in your nipples. And now, down there! This is too much, Ryouko makes a smart remark about 'that sort of appatite.' There is more than just smoke to this, Aeka's touch is strangely intimate, only the second other to touch her nakedness down there. : Ooh, she's touching her bare ankle. So naughty. 'Who would want to touch your dumpling body?'-Aeka retorts. 'Who's dumpling body?' Ryouko flares, evaporating the strangeness of the moment. : Yes. Fighting while feeling each other up. That makes it normal. Now Aeka is going to search Tenchi, no, she lets him go. Ryouko is confused, 'hey...why not search him by touching him everywhere? Oh, no, I can't imagine touching him.' : He has cooties. The rejoinder baffles Ryouko, there is a little more banter, then Katsuhito ordering them to class. I guess he is the principal. : Who are you? Why are you guessing things? Stop intruding on our fic! They are in Mihoshi's classroom. Gods! In what sort of universe is Mihoshi a schoolteacher? : It is only possible in...the Outer Limits. Anyway, it is lunch break. Ryouko, who knows she is in an alternate universe, cannot help starting a bicker with Aeka, but out of the corner of her eye she is startled to see Sasami here. : Sasami! In school? She should be selling her body for drugs! She is bringing Tenchi his lunch. Blink...blink, Sasami has done some sort of instant transformation, such an immodest dress for a little girl! : Well, Kiyone, I guess you spoke too soon. : Shut up. Now she is pointing something at Ryouko and Aeka, saying something about friends. : Like, "You two are not friends." The adrenaline vanishes, and a warmth comes over Ryouko. 'I'm sorry, I've been nasty to you.' ' No, no, I should be saying that.' : No, no, you should just be making out with each other. All the words Ryouko ever hoped for but could not admit flow between them. The strange compulsion to abandon all other cares washes away any momentary confusion. : Yeah, that whole confusion where she wasn't a lesbian. Aeka is saying, 'You know, this morning when I touched you, well, to tell the truth, I wanted to touch you. Oh, that's why? You can touch me as you like.' : Wait, who the hell is speaking? Why is she speaking? What is going on? So that's why Aeka won't talk about her universe, Washu considers, I doubt she knows her dream universe was tangled with Sasami's. They kiss, passionately,mouth on mouth. : As opposed to most people, who kiss by pressing their ears together. With her usual abandon, Ryouko places Aeka's hand under her own top again, and begins carressing the princess, oblivious to the audience of Tenchi, Mihoshi, and Sasami. : So...um...who would have thought? : Yeah. I guess I have to choose you now, huh? : Guess so. Um, do we fuck now? : Sure. Aeka is so warm and soft, even gentler than Tenchi. 'Let us go to the Student Offices,' Aeka whispers, 'I have a key.' : Yeah, and a few other things, too. : A dildo, for example. : *sigh* Couldn't stay quiet, huh? Somehow they make it to the offices without serious incident, though Ryouko's hands have already explored the smoothness of the royal bottom, and found the thin fine silkenness of Aeka down there. : "Silkenness". Right. This fic has "nonsense-ladenness". Behind locked doors, Aeka deftly abandons all cover, Ryouko is not far behind. : But in abandoning their cover, they've opened themselves up to German sniper fire! : Damn you Gerry, can't I have a moment's peace? Ryouko's hand covers that small touch of soft, dark, almost purple hair, finding and dividing the moist cleft within. : AH! AH! Bad things! : What? : The word "cleft"! It makes me think of Popeye! I don't want to think of Popeye and lesbian sex! Aeka returns the compliment and giggles, 'How nice and clean, you really are naked down there, aren't you? : Yup, I'm completely naked under all these clothes. I was always so angry and afraid of this back home, I couldn't tell.' ' Eh, then you know where we are?' ' Of course, and this will never do, we must really get home.' : Yes, that's where I keep all my whips, after all. Yeah, I don't know how I got tangled in your universe, and I sure don't know what has come over us. : Well, I think it was an intense desire to fuck each other. I could be wrong. I mean I always wanted to love you as a sister, but I never would have..., anyway, I don't mind, but I know it can't last.' : Yes it can! Go, have hot lesbian sex, and be merry! : Don't let society keep you down! : Perverts. 'You know, I won't be admitting this when we get back, I will probably hate both of us for it. I mean, this is impossible. I cannot allow myself..., but let us enjoy what we have now, my love.' : I have a whisk broom and a pair of trousers one size too small. How am I supposed to enjoy that? Ryouko gently lifts Aeka to stand on a desk, to turn proudly in the naked royal beauty that her normal conscience denies. 'Heh, Aeka, your body is really fine, I'm sorry I ever told you it wasn't so.' : Word, Ayeka is one fine sexy bitch. Ryouko plants a great, lip to lip kiss down there, and Washu can taste the heady aroma of Aeka's passion, a flavor far from the eternal child-scientist, but not unknown. : So, it's okay if she blows Tenchi, but having sex with another girl is bad? : It's society! : Yeah, society sucks! Aeka plops her posterior down on the desk, legs immodestly askew, so unlike her normal princessly self, : After all, princesses never have sex. Never. They just make sweaters. And crochet. reaching out to carress the firm roundness of Ryoko's breasts. 'But your's is the really sexy one, Tenchi must have the fortitude of a hermit to resist your seductions, I know that right now, I can't.' : Ayeka's got hermits on the brain. And they're making it smell bad. She looks around the hard-edged office, 'Where can we lie?' 'Heh, heh, let me show you some special advantages of levitation.' : Like the ability to reach things on particularly high shelves? Ryouko floats gently off the floor, drifting against the naked princess, breast to breast, body to body, and the princess reaches out to turn her, manouvering her like an unusually cooperative party balloon : And in just a few twists, I can turn Ryoko into a puppy! Now she's a giraffe! And a sword! : Hire the Amazing Ayeka for your birthday party now! 'Oh, goddess no,' Washu's head swims with dreaming passion, as the sapphic couple join in an euphoric, floating coupling of heads and tails. : Heads, I win. Tails, I win. The extraordinary warm, melting flavor of Aeka's down there sends Ryouko's mind spinning, pulsating. She is lost in a glorious melding with this troubled princess, : Yes, Ayeka is so troubled. Coming from her broken home, forced to live in an orphanage until age fifteen, liking chicks...all so troubling. her own down there blending it's heat with royal tongue to complete a circuit of pulsating ecstasy that becomes global and consuming. : What is with this guy and describing everything about Ayeka as Royal? : I know, it's like, "Watch Ayeka take the royal stick out of her royal ass royal royal." Washu can barely keep from the edge of orgasm herself, as the two girls slake and satiate their mysterious, extraordinary appatite. : After all, lesbian sex is a mysterious, extraordinary thing. Except not. Ah, well, this may not be her first orgasm, but it is certainly the best, being the first she has ever knowingly shared with another being, Washu speculates idlely. : Like I said, she was drunk all the other times. Ryouko has little notion the true extent of her shape-changing potential, is blissfully unaware of the extraordinary length and penetration her tongue obtained. : Yeah, I remember when Ryoko used her shape-changing abilities to, um...have hot lesbian sex just now. Afterward, they languidly float together, side by side, holding tightly and kissing gently over the unaccustomed flavor of one another. : Of course! Through the powers of sex, Ayeka gains the ability to float like Ryoko did! : Except not. 'I wonder what will become of this Ryouko and this Aeka when we are gone?' The princess questions. ' Eh, I don't think they know what they really are, in this world, but there is nothing here that can hurt them. : Except for guns, knives, scalpels, exceptionally sharp toothpicks... I don't imagine they will be able to stay in school long if they continue this passion, but then maybe they won't care. : Um, we've been looking over your record, Miss Jurai, and it's excellent, but you seem to have put your tongue up another girl's cunt. That's unacceptable. Uh, Aeka, I am leaving now.' As their bodies drift to the cold floor, the dreaming Ryouko can distantly hear another Ryouko whispering to her lover, : ...then she realized she was schizophrenic, and the other Ryoko didn't exist. 'Darling, I had the strangest dream just now, as we were making love, that we were drifting in the air.' ' Be still my love,' Aeka's haughty laugh ripples through the continuua, : For the love of God, if you don't know how to spell a word, look it up! It's not an admission of weakness, you know. 'Don't ever dare tell them back home, my love, I would truly want to die of shame.' What strange words, Aeka, who dare we not tell of our beautiful new passion.' : Because what we know not thereof happens in outside. ' Oh, you beautiful, sexy scoundrel; my brother Katsuhito, of course, he will surely disown me!' : How old and rich is Katsuhito? Because you know, if he's not about to die and doesn't have a lot of money, disowning you probably won't be too bad. : But you're forgetting. The forbidden love thing is much more tragic and interesting. : In a competent writer's hands, maybe. The Masaki household looks unkempt. Mihoshi, mistress of this home, lies asleep on the balcony, in the warm afternoon sun. Here, the princess is Tenchi's sister, : So, since this is Kajishima, they're married. Sasami the daughter. Huh, I wonder if Mihoshi remembers the making of that child, muses a still sex-suffused Washu? : Fornicate fornicate die die die fornicate die. This Ryouko, seductress and neighbor, makes free to walk in, just as Tenchi comes home. ' May I borrow some Soy Sauce?' Innocently said. : Who's this Innocently fellow, and what's he doing in this Tenchi fic? Tenchi looks the harried salaryman that he is, responds to the seductress. ' I know an inkeeper in Atami, let's go there sometime,' Ryouko offers. : I believe you're trying to seduce me, Missus Ryoko. 'Don't seduce my husband!' A still sleepy, but outraged Mihoshi exclaims. Aeka adds, 'Are you here again, you ally cat?' An argument ensues, but that world is fading. : Yeah, not enough lesbian sex. Aeka is Empress, Katsuhito her Chamberlain? Tenchi is destined to be royal consort, like it or not; Ryouko is betting he doesn't like it that much. : Yeah, I feel sorry for him, having to have hot sex with Ayeka for a living. Poor guy. Heh, he doesn't know I'm the real Ryouko either, or that I know he's my Tenchi. This Ryouko has always been a space-pirate, always will be. : Well, there was the brief women's basketball stint, but that really didn't have any prospects. Our Ryouko studies her other self's plans, this Ryouko has always been on her own, pretty clear planner. Heh, heh, this Jurai doesn't know about my teleporting talent, haven't figured out how I get in and out of places. : Jurai had better watch out! Ryoko's mastered the "doorknob principle"! It is evening in the palace. Unlike that last time, 700 earth years ago, Ryouko is slipping through the moonless night, thankful for the open grasslands that surround the palace for a kilometer around. : Good idea, putting your palace in the middle of a Savannah. I'm sure that makes it easy for people to get there without being attacked by lions. Her decent pod, a single Ryo-ohki crystal, had landed unseen in the forests, and is neatly tucked in a fanny-pack. : Along with some film, cash, and identification. Ryoko's a master tourist! Walking partly out of phase with normal matter, Ryouko is only a phantom on the night-scopes of the Juraian sentinels. : Hey, there's some sort of phantom on my night-scope here! : Eh, ignore it. It's not like it's some sort of space pirate! Ha ha! She comes to the south wall of the royal quarters, paces off thirty meters from the east turret, casually walks through the wall, into the royal boudoir. : And stumbles upon Tenchi having hot sex with Ayeka. : In any other fic, maybe. This fic, it'd be more of casual, disjointed, rambling sex. 'Tenchi!', she whispers, tossing him a stolen GP blaster, and gesturing him for quiet. He is clad in the blue tights that are Juraian battle dress in this universe. : Why wear armor when you can look like a giant smurf? Good, that makes the whole thing a lot safer for him: Who knows what would happen if one were to die in one of these other unverses? : The fabric of reality would collapse upon itself. She wraps her arms around him and pulls him through the wall, into the cool darkness and shadow of the wall. 'Stay here, I'll be right back', : I just have to run grab some lunch. she disappears back through the wall. '...Ryouko will never be able to get in here', the Empress is saying. 'Hey, I'm here now. Just hand me the dress, and nobody gets hurt.' : Christ, rob a bank and buy a damn dress! Don't attack the leader of the free universe for it. ' Wait, give it back, it's mine.' ' Why have a wedding dress, when you don't have a groom?' : She just wants to see you naked. Aeka is handing over the dress, naked but for bikini lace panties and pointy little bra, she had never gotten the dress on. She is turning bright red with outrage, : Nobody looks at my pointy little bra! Nobody! as Ryouko and gown fade through the outer wall. 'What did you say?', Aeka's voice carries through. : I said, "TRY WRITING CLEARLY, IDIOT!" : He's been saying it for a while, too. Gods, the wedding dress is heavy, ten kilos of pink diamonds, glittering and translucent even in the faint starlight. This Aeka certainly isn't as modest as the one back home, is she? She'd better not have touched my Tenchi first. : Ah, yes. There's nothing more fun than taking a virgin, I'm sure. Ryoko tosses the gown to Tenchi, as lights and alarms begin to fill the palace. She takes out the crystal, sets it on the ground, crosses her palms. 'Ryo-ohki, come', : You'd better have more than that planned for me! she commands. Hey, hey, in this universe I've got all my gems, oh...the power feels good. : So good, in fact, that she doesn't need Tenchi. 'Miwoww...' They are off into the depths of space, a squadron of Juraian tree-ships in persuit, soon joined by various others. No problem, can always outrun them. : Yeah, can always not write good. 'Eh, Tenchi, haven't I done it beautifully, as usual?' Tenchi is dubious, 'we're being chased an awful lot, aren't we?' 'Hey, I'll beat 'em all.' Boom! an explosion shakes the Ryo-ohki. : Come on! Kill one of them! Destroy the fabric of reality and end this fic! 'Damn, it's the GP, Ryo-ohki, prepare the attack.' They are faster than the Jurai battle-ships, but more lightly armed and armoured. : So, um, is there any rule that says we actually have to continuously pay attention to the fic? Couldn't we just ignore it and talk among ourselves? : No. That air-head Mihoshi, no less, we seem tangled in every universe, and shes reading us our Miranda rights, doesn't she know, she's got to catch us, first? : Not to mention that Miranda rights are not only from Earth, but America specifically. A huge oversight on her part. 'Come on', Tenchi complains, 'are we supposed to fight the Galaxy Police?' Ryouko's reply is simple, 'Fire!' Ryo-ohki's spike blazes with cosmic fires, she shakes again. : (twitching) I don't know if I can take it anymore. I just don't know. Can't this guy write a decent sentence? This isn't some sort of creative writing style, it's a garbled stream-of-consciousness pile of crap! : Um...think about bunnies? 'See, Tenchi, I've done it.' 'Ack, now you've certainly done it, Ryouko.' ' Ryo-ohki, maximum speed, get us out of here!' '...Meow! ' Alone with Tenchi in the depths of space, Ryouko phases out, back in naked. : Foreplay is a lost art. 'Tenchi!', she sings out, rushing to embrace him, but he is wiggling, struggling to break free, pushing her away. 'Get off!', he shouts. : But that's the idea! Ryouko is confused, breaks away, phases, and returns clothed, to find Tenchi still grimmacing and brushing himself off. Despite the obviously bulging crotch of his tights, Tenchi is angry. : How DARE you get me aroused! 'Keep off! You're the real Ryouko, from back home, where I let you out of the cave, aren't you? Don't touch me, just take me back home!' : Then touch me! 'I...I...don't know how. I don't know if we can. T...T..Tenchi...oh.' Ryouko is speaking softly. Waves of grief wash through her, first she hiccups, then settles to her knees, salt tears are flowing, mucous streaming to her breasts. : "Mucous: That Other Bodily Fluid" She is truly misrable, almost inconsolable. A blueclad leg wavers into her downcast view. A hand reaches down to her chin, 'Ryouko, I love you.' : In the shallow, lust-filled way, of course. She looks up to find a finger to her lips. 'You simply can't have me that way.' : You have to take it up the-- : NO! (Punches Duo in the jaw) : AW! SHUN OF A BISH! : That'll learn you. She wipes the mucous from herself with the sleeves of her jacket, a little messy, but better than on her face and breasts. : Wait, since when did she have a jacket on? : Oh, she put it on when the author made sense. 'Control yourself, let me lead, and everything will be alright.' Tenchi has moved around behind her, his soft hands slide down her neck on each side, to remove the open jacket. : What the hell? Tenchi is leading? : Um, I'm not very experienced, but I have read a lot of fanfic... The bustier she has chosen, a Jurai pattern one with an interlocking triangle pattern down the front, pushes her breasts upward, embracing her like the lover she yearns for. : The greatest lover ever, Duo Maxwell. : Wow, he has the same name as the most piss-poor lover ever, coincidentally enough? : You wanna find out for yourself? : There's nothing more sexy than a mucous-covered jacket. : Take me now. I'm a snotophile. Her hands settle palm up on her knees. She is frightened, more frightened even than when facing death at the hand of Kagato. : Death, or sex from Tenchi? He's right, that is a tough one. Her loins feel like water, and hot. She fears she might loose all muscle control and wet herself. : Gee, I've always thought that Tenchi fanfic could use more watersports. : I swear, could this motherfucker at least use bodily fluids related to sex in some way? : "Dreams of Some Goddamn Semen" Taking most of her weight off relieves some pressure, and the resiliency of her flesh causes her to gently rise a few centimeters. : I learned this trick from David Blaine. Tenchi leans over her, hand turning her face up. Their lips meet voluntarily for the first time, the salt of her tears making contrast with the fresh, forest cleanness of her man. : "Her man"? Do they mean Tenchi? : Nah, they probably mean "her manhood". : Duo, we're done with "Tenchi and his Gay Lovers" now. You don't have to think like that anymore. : I'm sorry! So very sorry! That fic...it did bad things to my mind. She shifts her body slightly, carefully allowing Tenchi to control the pressure and contact of their bodies. : Operating a Ryoko is difficult, you know! Gotta keep watching the valves and gauges, or she might explode! Head turned, her cheek now presses the radiating warmth of his manhood through the tightness of the battlesuit. He reaches down and pinches the release on her bustier, it's molacular bindings loose, and it falls open, slides down between her rump and his ankles, : This is about as sexy as the damn History Channel. : I know. I mean, "rump"? Let me exhibit proper usage. *ahem* "I smacked that fine secretary on the rump at the water cooler today, Bill." That is correct. "I fucked her up the rump." That is incorrect. : Duo, you never cease to amaze me. But not in a good way. his hands gently massage her normally petite nipples to largeness. With growing sureness of his mind, Ryoko turns, streaching upward to snag the belt release of his battlesuit with a sharp canine. : OUCH...too low... The suit splits up and down the front, releasing his pent up manhood. It stands forth, foreskin tight, golden skin taut, a bead of viscous fluid at the tip. : Oh, viscosity is so sexy. Oh yes, I am all hot. Ooh, ooh. She has never before seen it thus, well not really, anyway. A memory drifts by; little Tenchi, maybe 12 years old, has taken a piss, : Yeah, that's what I'd like to do all over this fic. : Looks like somebody finally got over themselves and started to use the common man's vulgarities. and unaware of the watcher, rubs his little penis a little, it swells, but then someone is calling. Boy, that Juraian puberty is late and slow. : Seriously! I hit puberty at age five! : It hasn't been down since, has it? : Anybody ever tell you you're a bitch? Still, now he is almost full of manhood, his smooth, full scrotum and faint straggles of pubic hair pretty much what he will have, : Is his pubic hair flaxen? Please let me know if it's flaxen! almost as naked as Ryouko, but with pleanty of penis to fill a woman, he is definately a man. Unable to resist, Ryoko's rather extravagant tongue flicks out to taste that pearl of fluid. : Oh, SICK! What the hell is that, hot dog water? : Misato, I hate you. Tenchi twitches, the foreskin retreats to reveal the roundness of his glans, and Ryoko shies back, afraid he will draw away. : Woah! That's rounder than I expected! What have I gotten myself into? Seeing her fear, he laughs and reaches down to the release of her skirt, on her left hip. : Yes, this would be the skirt she put on after she got naked, put on a jacket, and then put on a bustier. : "Dreams of Continuity" He opens her skirt across the polished but resiliant deck of Ryo-ohki, and rolls down on one palm to end up lying between her legs, : How convenient. his face sideways to her bosom, his manhood brushing the inside of her knee, his hip pressing on her down there. he touches a signet ring, and the battlesuit vanishes. : He could have done that a while ago, and saved us all a bunch of time. : No, he would have had to put on a robe, a tank top, and a pair of assless chaps. : And he would have been covered in eye goop, or some other unsexy bodily fluid. A mere thought, and Ryo-ohki provides her mistress with a moulded backrest. Ryouko flings her arms wide and struggles to keep herself open and passive against surges of desire to envelop her lover. : After all, Tenchi is sending her mixed signals. She can't be sure he wants to have sex just yet. He mouths the roundness of her breasts, each in turn, tongue circling tingling nipple, pulling away with a lip-sealed suction that sends pleasure spreading up her neck and down her belly from those seductive but virginal breasts. : Like a virgin! Touched for the very first time! Like a-- : Shut up shut up shut up. Tenchi slides down between her legs, his breath upon her belly, then her mound. Now his toungue carresses her slickly wet nakedness, down there. : Coincidentally, this fic caresses my sickly dry heaves. His tongueing is much larger and firmer than the princess', his mouth larger, the suction more agressive, his hot breath more alive. : Yes, I'm sure Ayeka was very reserved and, um, dead, when she fucked Ryoko. The time has come, Tenchi grasps her shoulders and pulls himself up upon her, they are truly face to face, nipple to nipple, mouth to mouth, eye to eye. : Boring to boring, stupid to stupid...um, poorly written to poorly written. : Good one. His hard manhood is pressing against her entry. 'You are a virgin', it is a statement, not a question. : You are a dumbass. He hesitates, 'I don't want to hurt you.' ' Never', she whispers back, thinking 'there are some advantages to this body Washu concieved.' : It's extra-slutty, for maximum penile acceptance! Washu feels an additional flush of warmth for her daughter on that thought. This dream coupling, this sex in the mind is in some ways better than the real, less mess and risk too, the practical-minded scientist is thinking. : I just eliminated all the nonsense! Now it's just a hole with a button labeled "orgasm"! Ryoko is not completely helpless and hopeless about her extraordinary body, she focuses on where Tenchi's organ is pressing against her hymen, the tissues part painlessly, willingly, serving their mistress. : So, um, Ryoko's like the Moses of Hymen? Tenchi slides in. Washu enviously remembers a moment twenty-thousand years ago, of mixed agony and pleasure, a tearing, blood and semen on the sheets. : There it is again! Another bodily fluid that isn't sexy! : Unless you're a sadist. The psychic ecstasy of Ryouko is almost greater than the sexual. She allows the moulding behind her back to drop, arches her hips, cradling his. : Rock-a-bye baby, fill me with cock... Tenchi's manhood is deep within her, his pubic arch pressed against that magic fold, that magic firmness of her clit. : Yes, sex is magic. Which is why only Ronald McDonald and David Copperfield are any good at it. Another woman might have found the heat and weight uncomfortable, but Tenchi is light and lithe, Ryouko is strong, and this is the closest she can come to engulfing him, holding him. : So, um, this is a metaphor for how she really wants to eat Tenchi? Whatever, buddy. : "Dreams of Cannibalism" He is holding her arms down, and she allows him. It is almost like a marathon of body wrestling, : Instead of, you know, thumb wrestling. as the couple, hot and slick, writhe together, hips locked in glorious unison, she can feel the pulsing of his orgasm, her own answering. : Knock-knock. : Who's there? : Orgasm. : Orgasm who? : Uh...Orgasm Morrison. He messily slides out, belly pressing mons, to allow some of the trickling fluids down on his own pubes. : Wow, it's like a river of disgusting. Tenchi stands up, looming over the sated, happy Ryouko. 'Eh, Ryouko, I am truly sorry.' 'Why, my star, my everything?' 'I am such a thoughtless man, what if you should become with child?' : That's what trash cans are for, silly! : I would like to apologize for the tasteless nature of the previous joke. Duo has been severely beaten. If you enjoyed or laughed at that joke, you should be ashamed of yourself. : OW! I've been severly beaten! 'Why, then I shall be even more happy.' ' But I don't think you are ready.' 'Is anyone, ever?' Ryouko looks sady up at the man she loves, and his now shrunken penis. : What the fuck? It's like a damn inchworm now! Is this one of those one-use deals? 'Let me touch you a little', She looks longingly at his diminished manhood. 'Eeh', he nodds, : Whatever. Just don't annoy me too much. and she sits up, reaches up, to run her hands over his hips, press her cheek to his penis. It swells a little, she cups his balls in her right hand and tongues his foreskin. : We're watching a blowjob, and yet I can honestly say I've never been less aroused in my life. : "Dreams of Decent Porn" Soon she has a mouth full of swollen manhood with a strange flavor mixing her own savor with his. : Tastes like chicken. She reaches out her levitation power and the both of them float upward, Tenchi pulling her nether mouth to his face. : I'd like to take a moment to plead to all porn writers. Please, don't use the word "nether" in your fics. It can only end in tragedy. The circuit of heat rises again, engulfing and embracing. Hot pulses of mucous flow in Ryouko's mouth, : Goddammit! There it is again! What is it with this guy and mucous? as her own loins melt in waves of heat and ecstasy: And poor little Washu? Her fingers go in and out frantically, around and around ten thousand times. End : And what better way to end than with a woman with the body of a little girl masturbating to her daughter's wet dreams? A couple of reminders: This work of fiction is a parody, vaguely permissable under the laws where it was created, the U.S.A., only non-commercially and not for profit. : Um, no. This is not a work of parody, unless it's a parody of actual writing that doesn't suck. Which I can see, actually. The original characters and situations are copyright AIC & Pioneer LDCA, and any commercial use or public performance of these materials would require the highly unlikely permission of the original copyright holders. : Gee, we should do a live performance of this. : How would we translate the poor writing into a live show, though? : Um, we could use poor lighting, and stutter a lot. Text Copyright 1998, by Anyaku, "RYOUKO NO YUME" : "Dreams of a Good Ending" _____________________________________________________________________________ The crew walked into the theater, finally finished with this latest fic. Their loud expressions of disgust quickly awoke Kagato, who had fallen asleep on the recliner watching "The Steve Harvey Show". "How was it?" he asked, quickly turning off the television. Cyrus made a retching sound. "It almost made me wish it was written by Phucknut. At least Phucknut has a clearer writing style." "And fewer misspellings," Ken added. "And fewer misspellings," Cyrus repeated. "And he isn't pretentious about it." "And he isn't pretentious about it." "And Cyrus likes cock." "And Cyrus likes cock." Cyrus paused for a second. "GODDAMMIT, DUO!" Kagato ignored Cyrus and Duo, and turned to the one he was really concerned about, Ken. "Ken, do you mind looking at this picture and telling me what you see?" Ken shrugged. "Sure, although I don't know why." "Just be quiet and do it." Kagato held up a picture of a group of cute ducklings with lollipops. "What do you see?" "I see a bunch of cute ducklings, they have lollipops, they have suckers, they are cute." Kagato cursed under his breath. "Wrong kind of crazy. I'll need to re-evaluate and try again." He turned to the rest of the crew and raised his voice, "You should all rest, because we have another fic tomorrow. I will not slack like this captain of yours. A fic every day, unless I decide not to." Everyone groaned. "On the other hand, you shall have an unlimited supply of potatoes!" Everyone cheered. "Losers," Kagato muttered under his breath. "I wonder if I can catch repeats of Sister, Sister somewhere..." *END* _____________________________________________________________________________ Anway, this marks my tenth MST. Thanks to everyone who helped me out. I'm saying that this constitutes a season, and I wrote a musical season finale (sold separately) to commemorate. As always, thanks to the folks at Best Brains and the Authors of the First Amendment. Until next time, contact me at rowsdower@seanbaby.com! Eyecatch: Although this work describes events well within the outlines of the original material, good sense and good taste has prevented the original creators from going so far...