*DISCLAIMER*
Alright, the ownership of the characters in question is not my
heretofore prerogative quid pro quo undersigned hereinafter pro bono.
Did that make sense? I guess not. Anyway, Duo is owned by Sotsu
Agency and Sunrise. Misato is owned by GAINAX. Kiyone, Tenchi
Muyo!, and all that jazz are property of AIC and Pioneer. And of
course, Ken and Wormon are the property of Toei Animation and Saban.
*DISCLAIMER*
Space. It's pretty lonely, all in all. The odds of two ships crossing
each others' paths is astronomical, because space is really damn huge.
However, that's what plot devices are. Really astronomical events with
little chance of realistically happening that happen because the author
really wants them to. This is the story of one of those events...
NIGHT OF THE KAGATO
A Flight of the HMS Zap Rowsdower Special Season Finale Event
Part II: It's Like A Plot Device, Only Better!
The crew of the HMS Zap Rowsdower was despondent. They had lost one of
their own. Nothing like this had happened before. Also, somebody was
playing Samuel Barber's "Adagio" over the intercom. That didn't help.
"I didn't even get a chance to tell him I loved him," Misato sniffled.
"You loved him?" Duo asked.
"Well, no. But I could have told him that and played games with his horny
little adolescent mind."
"Oh."
"I can't believe he's gone."
Duo and Misato both turned to Kiyone, who was laying on the couch, staring
at the ceiling. "What?" Misato asked.
"HE'S GONE! AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT, DAMMIT!" she yelled, on the verge of
tears.
"You know that he isn't dead right?" Misato pointed out.
"Yeah, but what about, well..." Kiyone trailed off.
"'Well' what?" Duo asked.
"Well, what if he, um..."
"'If he, um' what?"
"You know how Kagato's evil and all. And when evil people get a hold of
little boys, they, um..."
Duo finally figured out what Kiyone was saying. "Ooooooohhhh. You're
afraid he's going to sodomize Ken."
"Well, kinda. Yeah."
"Don't worry about it. This is just a cheesy plot device so Cyrus can
introduce a special guest MSTer, remember?"
Kiyone immediately brightened. "Hey, that's right! So, when does the
new guy get here anyway?" she asked.
"Right now," came Cyrus's voice from the nearby elevator.
Everyone turned to look at the new arrival, and they were all surprised
by what they saw.
"Hey, it's Shaggy from Scooby Doo!" Duo exclaimed.
"Can I stab him, Cyrus?" the newcomer asked.
Cyrus laughed jovially. "Of course you can, Rat. But not yet. We
have a MST to do!"
"Rat?" Kiyone asked.
"Yes, this is Rat. Kiyone, Duo, and Misato, meet Rat. Rat, meet
Kiyone, Duo, and Misato," Cyrus introduced.
"This is our special guest MSTer?" Duo asked. "I was expecting a
hot chick or something."
"What, am I not enough?" Misato asked.
"Sorry. Allow me to correct," Duo apologized. "A hot chick who I
have a chance of scoring with."
Suddenly, the fanfic alarm went off. It was playing a touching
version of "Taps". On the bagpipe. So it was less touching and more
painful.
"I swear, when I find out who's hacking into the fanfic alarm, I'm
going to KILL. Or let Rat stab, at the very least," Cyrus muttered.
"Yay! Let's go read a crappy fic!" Rat said.
"Um, you seem kind of anxious to do this," Misato said.
Cyrus patted Misato on the shoulder. "It's sarcasm. I had to give
him a whole bunch of methamphetamines just so he would be...um, what's
the term I'm looking for? Oh, right. 'Not completely hate-filled'."
"Oh," said Misato. "Okay then."
The five of them walked into the theater, leaving the lounge in quiet.
For a few moments. Then Wormon leapt onto the coffee table and began
singing.
"I am lonely like the moon! You are far away as the Earth!"
"STAB STAB STAB!" Rat yelled, running out of the theater.
"Get back in here, Rat!" Cyrus yelled. "And stop singing, Wormon!"
Wormon and Rat looked at each other for a few moments. Then, they
both broke the stare, and Rat walked back into the theater.
Wormon waited until the doors were closed. "I float in this
emptiness, 'till at last, love ret-ACK!" Wormon was cut off by
a safe falling on his head.
"I said NO SINGING!" Cyrus's voice came over the intercom.
____________________________________________________________________
<Kiyone>: A safe, huh? You've been watching too many Looney Tunes.
<Cyrus>: Ah, bite me. The fic's starting anyway, so shut up.
Legal Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo! and all associated characters are owned by AIC and Pioneer LDC.
Seion Makibi, the Tokimian Knights, the Amatora, Planet Amano, and the Nexus Mercenaries are
my own creations based opon the Tenchiverse.
<Rat>: Tokimian Knights? Are they like the Teutonic Knights?
<Cyrus>: That would make a lot more sense, seeing as how Tokimi wasn't in the TV series.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
************************************************************************************************
CUE OPENING THEME: "Imasara Sekitsui Dobutsu" by Ai Orikasa (Ryoko)
(opening credits feature the gang as a musical group with Ryoko as the lead singer, Tenchi,
Yosho,and Noboyuki on horns, Kiyone on piano, Aeka, Sasami, and Misaki as back-up singers, Washu
on techno-equipment, Washu A and B on drums, Mihoshi on lead electric triangle, Nagi on bass,
and Seion on lead guitar.)
<Rat>: Electric triangle?
<Misato>: Hmm...the new character is the one on lead guitar? I have a bad feeling about this
guy...
<Rat>: Why is that? Besides the apparent big badass attitude.
<Cyrus>: Speaking of attitude, why the hell does a fic have an opening theme, anyway?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
SFX: Eeeeeeeeeeoooo!
EPISODE 28:NO NEED FOR TWIN BROTHERS!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
<Kiyone>: Episode 28? Did we miss 27 chapters of this fic, or something?
<Cyrus>: No, this is a continuation of the Tenchi TV series.
<Rat>: Why did he write it like that?
<Cyrus>: I dunno, maybe he has some deluded idea that Pioneer will turn this into the
continuation of the TV series.
SCENE: Galaxy Police Interim Headquarters, Tribunal Into the Escape of A-1 Class Crminal
K.A.I.N., Grand Marshall Kurimitsu presiding. Testimony of Special Operative Seion Makibi
on the aiding and abedding of the escape of K.A.I.N by Detective 1st Class Mitsuki Murasume.
<Rat>: Did she send him a file in a cake?
SEION:....even though she didn't have access to the K.A.I.N lock, which only the Grand
Marshall, the Chief Warden, and The Jurian Emperor have access to, being an Internal Affairs
Operative gave her the required access to remove the stasis program that keeps the prisoners
dormant while in subspace which allowed K.A.I.N. to effect his escape some 2 and 1/2 hour
later, giving her suffecient time to escape. The only mistake she made was to take the ship
that I happened to be on at the time to make her escape. Arresting her was made quite easy.
<Cyrus>: Okay, and her motive was...?
SECTOR CHIEF SHIRO: Why did she have access to the stasis program?
<Duo>: I believe because she slept with you, sir.
SEION: We have officers in the subspace prisons that Mitsuki might have to interrogate.
And seeing that nobody belived that K.A.I.N. could escape from a subspace cell the stasis
program was placed on a lower priority clearence.
<Cyrus>: Okay, nobody believed K.A.I.N. could escape...so why did Mitsuki do all of this?
<Kiyone>: Because she's a bitch, that's why.
<Cyrus>: Oh, that'll hold up in court.
SPECIAL OPERATIONS CHIEF MIZUHARA: Thank you, Operative Makibi. You may step down. This
Tribunal will set forth court-marshal proceadings against Detective First Class Mitsuki in
two week's time. Baliffs, remove Miss Mitsuki from the room and remove her uniform.
<Duo>: What, is the punishment to force her to run through the halls naked?
MITSUKI: You and your sister will pay for this, Seion! All of you will pay! YOU'RE ALL DEAD!
DO YOU HEAR ME! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!!!!
<Duo>: Geez. What a nutcase.
GRAND MARSHALL: Tribunal adjurned. (to Seion) You're right. She really is a nutcase! And I
always thought she was just a shamless ass-kisser. By the way, Agent Makibi, I need you to
lay low for a while. We're setting up a sub-base in the Sol system for a while until we can
get HQ back up and running.
<Misato>: And here, we see the impartiality of the GP justice system in all it's glory.
SEION: The Sol system? But nothing happens out there. Why me?
GRAND MARSHALL: Don't worry. You'll have some good personell to work with. Detective Sergeant
Jinnai, Detective 1st class Demi, 3 rookies and the two resident officers, one of which I'm
am very fond of and someone very close to you.
<Kiyone>: Uhhh...it's just a backwater system with only one inhabitable planet. There's hardly a
need to send an entire division in there.
SEION: Who?
<Duo>: I don't know, probably your sister or something.
<Kiyone>: His sister sure as hell had better be Mihoshi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EPISODE 28: NO NEED FOR TWIN BROTHERS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCENE: Miho-Kiyo's Place, 3:45 am
<Cyrus>: Gads, I hate script format. Here's some advice to the authors out there: Your fic is
not going to become the next Tenchi series. Just like this isn't going to be the next season of
MST3K.
MIHOSHI: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! (cue Mihoshi's water works) Wake up, Kiyone! We're gonna be late!
KIYONE: Let's get some things strait. 1. We're on vacation 2. You woke me up 5 minutes ago!
and 3. IT'S 3:45 IN THE MORNING! Go back to sleep.
MIHOSHI: Could you tell me a story?
<Kiyone, as herself>: Once upon a time there was an evil man who forced a beautiful woman to
watch bad fanfics. So she killed him in his sleep. The end.
<Cyrus>: Hmm...that sounds familiar, somehow.
KIYONE: Grrrrrrrrrr...Alright. Once opon a time there was a girl named Mirai and she had a
super suit called Moldiver. Now here comes the tricky part...
MIHOSHI: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
KIYONE: Still don't have a trouble sleeping, I see. Oh well, back to my dream......
<Rat>: Boy you suck at telling stories, Kiyone.
<Kiyone>: Well, apparently I just steal the plots from other anime series.
<Rat>: Wow, you no-talent loser.
<Kiyone>: Oh, shut up.
**************************KIYONE'S DREAM********************************************
KIYONE(In Ifurita's outfit): Be safe now. I shall hold you in my thoughts and my heart until
our paths cross again. I know I can rely on you my dear Makoto-
<Rat>: Hey, jokes only viewers of El-Hazard would understand!
<Cyrus>: Ah, that would explain why I didn't get it. Was it funny?
<Rat>: No.
MAKOTO: Snap outta it, will ya, Kiyo?
KIYONE: Why do you sound like my brother, my dear Makoto.
MAKOTO: Because I am your brother! Now wake up!
<Kiyone>: I don't have a brother, though. Perhaps you don't understand.
<Rat>: How did he enter your dream?
<Cyrus>: Maybe it has something to do with Jesus, or something. He's in a lot of dreams.
**************************END DREAM SEQUENCE***************************************
KIYONE: Couldn't you have waited 5 minutes? With you and Mihoshi, I can't even score in my
own fantasies. What a couple of--SEION! What are you doing here? I haven't seen you for 3
years.(she embraces her brother) I missed you so much! Where have you been?
<Rat>: What a Kodak moment.
<Duo>: Look at my eyes. They're tearing up.
<Kiyone>: So are mine, but for a different reason.
<Rat>: Hey, wait a minute. (looks at Kiyone) Are you having trouble scoring? 'Cause I can help.
<Kiyone>: Goddammit, either you or Duo will die by the end of this.
SEION: To answer your 3 questions, I could've but you were starting to touch yourself, I've
been assigned here, and If I told you, I'd have to kill you. Now I'd like to ask you some
questions. How have you been? What've ya got to eat around here? and Who is that beautiful
creature over there?
<Duo, as Kiyone>: To answer your questions, I was a lot better before you showed up, me, and stay
off of her, because she's mine.
<Kiyone>: One shot, Maxwell. You want it to hit you?
KIYONE: Just fine, we're going over to a friend's house for breakfast, and don't you even try
that with Mihoshi!
SEION: Come on! I haven't woken a girl yet by kissing her in her sleep.
<Cyrus>: I doubt you've done any kissing, period.
KIYONE: Yeah but there's something you should know about--(as Seion kisses Mihoshi, the bubble-
head puts her hand on the back of his head, rolls him over and stradles him.)
<Kiyone>: Apparently, she has the reflexes of a total slut.
<Rat>: I thought those rumors weren't true.
<Kiyone>: So did I. Apparently the author disagrees with us.
MIHOSHI: May I have the name of the prince who awakened this sleeping beauty?
<Cyrus>: What the hell? Since when did Mihoshi become...oh, I don't know...literate?
<Misato, as Mihoshi>: And betwixt fall thine eyes upon my heaving bosom, good sir?
SEION: Hi, I'm Seion Makibi, Kiyone's brother. And you are?
<Duo>: Bond. James Bond.
MIHOSHI: Mihoshi Kuramitsu.
SEION: I'm dead.
<Rat>: Is the GP tough on attempted rape, Kiyone?
<Kiyone>: Gosh, I sure hope that we can get him on the death penalty for this.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
SCENE: The Masaki House. 5:30 am. Guess who's already fighting who over who.
<Duo>: What's this called, again?
<Kiyone>: A cliché.
<Duo>: Ahh, right.
RYOKO: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
<Rat, as Ayeka>: I said could you pass the ketchup?
AEKA: I'M SIMPLY STATING A FACT!
<Misato, as Ayeka>: Joel was funnier than Mike! Everyone knows it!
SASAMI: Excuse me but...(they are ignoring Sasami)
RYOKO: SHADDUP, AE-CUP!
<Cyrus>: Well, that's a cruel thing to say to Sasami. She's still developing!
AEKA: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT! I'M NOT GOING TO LET THAT ONE PASS!!
SASAMI: Could you two please.....(they still don't know she's there)
<Rat>: Is she invisible?
RYOKO: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP, AE-CUP.
<Cyrus>: I told you, she's developing.
AEKA: NO YOU SHUT UP!
RYOKO: NO, YOU SHUT UP!
AEKA: NO, YOU SHUT UP!
RYOKO: NO, YOU SHUT UP!
AEKA: NO, YOU--
NAGI: WHY DON'T YOU BOTH SHUT UP?!
<Rat>: Damn straight.
<Kiyone>: And the author, too! Everybody, just shut the hell up!
KEN-OKI: CIAO!
<Duo>: Huh? Is the cabbit Italian, or something?
RYO-OKI: MIYA!
RYOKO and AEKA: ...yes, ma'am.
TENCHI: Thank you, Nagi. I may as well get ready for school.
<Cyrus, as Tenchi>: Seeing as how that's what I do, and all. Being a student.
AEKA: Please forgive me, Lord Tenchi. I didn't think-
TENCHI: That's right, you didn't think. You woke every one in the house up!
<Rat, as Tenchi> Damn bitch!
<Misato, as Ayeka>: You didn't let me finish. I was saying, "I didn't think you were an asshole."
RYOKO: Too bad, Aeka. Tenchi just doesn't lo--
TENCH: The same goes for you, Ryoko! Why don't you two just stay off my back for a while?
SASAMI: Are you alright, Tenchi?
<Duo, as Tenchi>: No, I just grew some sort of a spine, AND I'm on my period! Bitch!
<Misato, as Washu> What, Tenchi just grew a spine? And I had him classified as an
invertebrate!
TENCHI: Yes, Sasami. Thank you.
SASAMI: Great! I'll go fix you an extra-special breakfast!
TENCHI: You don't have to do that.
SASAMI: But I love y...( Sasami starts blushing) I love cooking for you! I'll see you at
breakfast!(she skips down stairs like the cute little girl she is)
<Duo>: Yeah, check out that ass!
<Kiyone>: Dammit, Duo, no checking out the little girls!
<Duo>: But baby, she has to want some fries to go with that shake!
<Kiyone>: In the "Who Wants to Die?" contest, you're suddenly leaping to the front, Duo.
<Rat>: Am I in second or third?
<Kiyone>: Shut up and you can be third, behind Cyrus.
<Cyrus>: Hey, what did I do?
TENCHI: Oh, and Ryoko?
RYOKO: Yes, Tenchi?(with puppydog eyes)
<Misato>: Ugh, I'd hate to see the remains of the puppy she got them from.
TENCHI: Keep your head out of the restroom!(he shuts the door)
AEKA: How does Sasami do that.
RYOKO: Yeah! What does she got that I ain't got more of.
<Cyrus>: Well, if you're a pedophile, everything.
NAGI: Politeness, consideration, kindness, she's a better cook, a better housekeeper, and she
makes the best cup of tea in the Galaxy.
<Duo>: Woah, Nagi's a pedo!
KEN-OKI: CIAO! Ciao-ciao-ciao!
RYO-OKI: Miya! MIYA!
NAGI: Good point. She also spends more time with Tenchi than she does trying to keep others
away from him!
<Kiyone>: She's also EIGHT. You may have forgotten that.
RYOKO: Shuddup!
AEKA: Yeah! You stay out of this!
<Misato>: Yeah, the bitch. Logic has no place here!
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@TWO HOURS LATER@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
SCENE: The dining room. There's Knocking at the front door.
SASAMI: I'll get it!
TENCHI: Don't worry Sasami, I've got it!(Tenchi opens the door and see's a man wearing a black
duster, dark shades, and a wide brimmed black hat) Can I..I h-h-help you?
MAN IN BLACK: I've come for your soul, Mr. Masaki!
<Rat, as Tenchi>: Ok. *hands the man his shoe*
<Cyrus, as MiB>: Not that sole...oh, I get it. It was a joke. Ha ha.
TENCHI: DAD, IT'S FOR YOU!
KIYONE:(from outside) Knock off the theatrics, Seion, and get inside.
SEION:(removing the MIB diguise) You never let me have any fun!
<Rat>: Man, Kiyone, your brother is hilarious!
KIYONE: Everyone I'd like you to meet my twin brother, Seion.
RYOKO and AEKA: What a babe!
<Misato>: Yes, "babe" as in child. Not as in "thinly veiled SI character who everybody in the
show automatically loves".
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SFX: Eeeeyoooo! (wood blocks)
(picture of Ryo-oki and Ken-oki in ship form bumping into each other)
<Rat>: Damn Sunday drivers!
=====================================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
<Rat>: Commercial break?
<Kiyone>: Okay, this is just stupid. Commercial breaks aren't scripted.
<Cyrus>: Perhaps it will be funny?
<Kiyone>: Maybe, if we've watched whatever obscure anime the joke's based on.
Tenchi and all the girls are at the beach when Kintaro Oe (Goldenboy) approches
him.
KINTARO: WOW! Are all these girls yours?
<Duo>: Yes, that's "Pimp Daddy Tenchi" there.
TENCHI: They claim to be.
KINTARO: You are one lucky guy, Mr. Masaki!
(Tenchi pulls out a Twix bar)
<Misato>: Ah ha! This fic is just a thinly veiled advertisement for Twix! That explains why it's
short and I want to change the channel.
KINTARO: Hey, can I have one?
TENCHI: You want Ryoko or Aeka?
KINTARO: YES!!
ANNOUNCER: TWIX! Two for me. None for you!
<Rat>: Um...haha?
=====================================================
SFX:Eeeeyoooo!(wood blocks)
(picture of the cabbits with a buch of carrots slung over Ken-oki's back)
<Cyrus>: See, that's the typical feminist right there. Wants equality in everything except the
labor and the money.
<Kiyone>: And that's your typical asshole right there.
<Duo>: Why are you so pissed, Kiyone? He said "feminist", not "lesbian".
<Kiyone>: I AM NOT A LESBIAN!
<Duo>: Yeah, well, prove it!
(Kiyone turns to Misato and makes out with her for several seconds.)
<Kiyone>: SEE! I DIDN'T ENJOY THAT ONE BIT!
<Misato, mumbling>: Then why did you use tongue?
<Rat>: SWEET!
<Duo>: Cyrus, are we allowed to take bathroom breaks?
<Cyrus>: I wish.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SCENE: The dining room. For some strange reason, Tenchi is not flanked by Aeka and Ryoko.
Instead they are Seion's problem as they rudely shove Mihoshi and Kiyone away from him.
<Cyrus>: Oh, joy. It's turned into Seion Muyo! already.
<Misato>: You know, if you rearrange the letters in Seion, it spells "One SI".
<Cyrus>: What's that supposed to prove?
<Misato>: The obvious.
Tenchi is, however, flanked by Sasami and Nagi. Kiyone is next to Noboyuki, Yosho and Washu.
The cabbits are in the corner eating the usual (and if you don't know what that is you shouldn't
be reading this.)
<Rat>: Isn't a strictly carrot diet unhealthy?
KEN-OKI: Ciao!
RYO-OKI: Miya-miya-miya-miya.
RYOKO: Some more tea, Seion-chan.
<Rat>: Wow, Ryoko is polite when seducing Seion.
<Kiyone, as Ryoko>: Tenchi? Tenchi who?
SEION: SEION-CHAN? Now look here, I'm 182cm tall and-
<Duo, as Seion>: Forty-five liters wide!
AEKA: You stay stay away from him you disgusting thing!
SEION: Hey, knock it off! I'm not a baton for you to hand off in a relay race.
RYOKO: You heard him, little girl. Back off!
SEION: That was ment for you too, brigand!
<Rat>: What the hell is a brigand?
<Cyrus>: Arr, I'll swab ye decks, ye filthy landlubber!
NAGI: Good one, Seion.
SEION: Thanks, ol' buddy. So how'd you wind up stranded on this rock?
NAGI: My ship fell in love.
<Rat, singing>: Why do they fall in love?! Um, how does that song go?
<Kiyone>: It goes, "NEVER SING AGAIN OR I KILL YOU."
<Rat>: Ok, thanks.
AEKA: Speaking of love, which one of us do think is more attractive: that monster Ryoko or a
beautiful princess like me.
SEION: I don't-
<Duo, as Seion>: -like girls. I'm gay.
<Rat>: Hey, what if the Gay and Lesbian Alliance hears that?
<Cyrus>: Yeah, being associated with that guy would definitely be grounds for slander or libel.
RYOKO: What? You can't make a decision either? Are all guys this indicisive?
SEION: But I've already decided-
<Duo, as Seion>: I'm in love with Tenchi!
<Kiyone>: Stop. Now. Before death. Yaoi is wrong.
AEKA: It's me, isn't it?
RYOKO: Aw, come on! You really think he'd go for a "little" girl like you when he could have a
"big" me?
SEION: Actually, I like Mi-
<Rat>: Everybody loves Seion!
<Cyrus>: Huh, he likes himself. So we've got an SI who's as infatuated with himself as the author
is. Is that a paradox?
AEKO: How dare you speak to like that in front of Lord Seion!
SEION: LORD SEION? Hey now-
RYOKO: I'll speak to you anyway I like, you little bi-
<Duo, as Ryoko>: -sexual slut who likes to lick--
<Kiyone>: NO!
<Duo, as Ryoko>: --lollipops. (grins at Kiyone)
<Kiyone>: Oh, shut up.
TENCHI: ENOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUGH!
SEION: Thank you, frien-
TENCH: Don't call me "friend." Friends don't come to your house and try to take your girls
away from you.
<Rat, as Tenchi>: You punk! Those are my bitches!
SEION: Okay, Mr. Masaki. I-
TENCHI: Apology not accepted. You stay away from those two or I'll do something I'll regret
later!
<Cyrus, as Tenchi>: I'll actually admit to liking one of them! And I'll tell everybody you're an
SI!
<Rat>: Who can't tell that's an SI? That is the BIGGEST SI I have ever seen!
<Duo>: With the smallest SI I've ever seen, if you get my drift.
SEION: Listen to yourself. You sound like a man in love.
TENCHI: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
SEION: I can't. It's the truth, isn't it?
<Duo, as Tenchi>: It's true. I love you, Seion.
TENCHI: Well..I,uh...sorta.
SEION: The truth is I don't like either one of these two. Aeka, your a snobbish princess who, if
I wasn't a "pretty boy" wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire. And Ryoko, your selfish, self-
cenered egotist who has jepordized the lives of many of my friends and relatives because of your
greed!
<Kiyone>: And you're a dumbass SI who apparently solves everyone's problems with his magical SI
powers. As opposed to Cyrus here, who creates them.
<Rat>: Kiyone loves Cyrus!
<Kiyone>: Hardly. He's actually an accurate SI. So I don't passionately love him.
<Rat>: HAHA!
<Cyrus>: Shut up.
AEKA: You hate me? (starts crying and runs up to her room)
RYOKO: You care to step outside a say that?
SEION: Not really, but if you insist I guess I'll have to.
RYOKO: I insist!
<Misato>: Yay. A fight between SIon and Ryoko. I wonder who will win.
<Rat>: I'm taking bets.
<Duo>: Give me twenty on Ryoko. Because I don't actually have any money or a sense of pattern
recognition.
<Cyrus>: Put me down for Mihoshi.
<Kiyone>: It only works for Washu, dumbass.
************************************************************************************************
SCENE: Outside the Masaki House. 8:00 am. Ryoko and Seion are standing face to face. The gang is
gathered around them.
SEION: Okay let's discuss the rules of-
RYOKO: No rules. Just strait out fighting until Yosho declares a winner.
SEION: Are you sure?
<Misato, as Ryoko>: Yes, I'm sure! Otherwise, how would you be able to school me and teach me
a lesson like all great SIs?
RYOKO: Damn sure!
SEION: Alright. Have it you way. Go to your line so we can start this idiotic display.
<Cyrus, as Seion>: For my weapon, I choose: THE BANJO!
RYOKO: Gladly!(as Ryoko turns away from Seion, he lets go with a viscious forearm to the back
of Ryoko's skull, slamming her to the ground. He instantly leaps onto her back, grabs her hair
and sets up for a death blow)
<Kiyone>: Speaking of blow, did somebody just fart?
<Cyrus>: No, that's the smell of a bad SI.
<Rat>: I'm scared.
<Misato>: Aw, it'll be okay. (hugs Rat)
<Cyrus, mouthing the words behind Misato's back>: You are so dead, Rat.
<Rat>: (smiles)
YOSHO: HALT! Winner is Seion!
SEION: (to Ryoko) Lesson 1. Never turn you back on your opponent. Lesson 2. Becareful what you
wish for you just might get it. And lesson 3. Never get into a fight with a Special Operative,
especially if he's Nano-tech cyborg!
<Cyrus> Lesson four: the SI ALWAYS wins.
<Rat>: SUPER SI! All the other SIs fall to him, for he is their mighty king!
TENCHI: How could you daclare him the winner, Grandpa? He cheated when he hit Ryoko from behind!
YOSHO: You can't accuse a man of breaking the rules when there are none in the first place.
<Rat, as Yosho> And honor is never a rule unless implied.
<Kiyone>: Yeah. You can't accuse him of cheating unless there are rules to break. You can accuse
him of being a stupid fuck for treating a backyard duel like some sort of life lesson. (yells at
the fic) SHE'S A PIRATE, DUMBASS! A SUCCESSFUL ONE! SHE DIDN'T GET THAT FAR BY TAKING BULLSHIT
FORTUNE COOKIE ADVICE!
TENCHI: Let me guess _The Book of the Five Rings_? _The Art of War_?
YOSHO: No, actually the premise of a New Japan Wrestling no-disqualification match. Belive it or
not Tenchi he is a VERY compitent fighter. You see that tattoo on his right arm. That is the
mark of an Amano Torabushi, the greatest pure fighters in the galaxy. And by the markings on his
arm he has mastered 13 of the 15 weapons of a Torabushi, including the Toratrident and the
"Amano Tuning Fork." I learned sword fighting from one of the greatest Torabushi's that ever
lived. A man named Bouken Makibi.
<Rat>: AchooSI!...um, excuse me. I have a cold.
<Duo>: SIchoo! Huh, I seem to have caught it as well.
TENCHI: Makibi? Isn't that Seion's and Kiyone's-
YOSHO: Isn't that your bus, Tenchi?
TENCHI: D'OH! How am I gonna get to school?
<Rat>: "D'OH!"?
<Cyrus>: Why don't you catch a ride with Lenny, dumbass?
RYOKO: I'll take you there, my Tenchi.
TENCHI: No, thanks. It's because of you I'm late.
SEION: I can get you there. Ya ever ridden on the back of a Harley?
<Rat, as Tenchi> Is that a pick up line?
TENCHI: How'd you get a Harley?
SEION: I got a Deep Cover control cube that comes complete with transportation. So ya wanna ride
or not?
TENCHI: Sure, why not?
KIYONE: Just don't take him to a strip club.
<Cyrus>: God forbid he might discover he has a sex drive. And then we'd have at least three
pregnant girls in the house.
SEION: Don't you trust me, your dear brother?
KIYONE: No, that's why I'm telling you!
MIHOSHI: Be careful, Seion. I'll miss you!
<Rat, as Mihoshi> I would kill myself without you, my big, strong SI.
SEION: I'll only be gone for about 30 minutes.
MIHOSHI: But, that's to still to long!
SEION: Ya gotta love a girl that's gonna miss you after you've been away for half an hour!
Farewell, Sleeping Beauty!
MIHOSHI: Good bye my prince.
<Rat, as Kiyone>: I am going to get sick.
<Kiyone>: I am going to kill something.
<Rat, as Kiyone>: My brother and my lov-my, um, lovely but idiotic partner for whom I have
no sexual feelings.
<Kiyone>: Damn right.
SASAMI: Wait, Tenchi! You forgot your lunch!
TENCHI: Thank you, Sasami. What would I do without you?(Tenchi gives her a hug. Sasami blushes,
giggles and runs inside. Seion and Tenchi ride off.)
NOBOYUKI: Hey, Kiyone. If your not busy today, would you like to go fishing with me?
KIYONE: (flirting) I'd love to.
<Rat>: You like 'em old, Kiyone?
<Cyrus>: Oh, dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear.
<Kiyone>: Alright, that's it! I'm using the last shot on myself!
<Duo>: Oh, sit down. It can't get much worse. I mean, it's not like you'll marry the guy or
anything.
NOBOYUKI: I'll go get the gear ready then!
<Duo>: "The gear", huh? I guess this is going to be some fun "fishing", right Kiyone?
<Kiyone>: No sex. No sex. No sex. No sex. No sex. No sex. No sex. No sex. No sex. No sex.
MIHOSHI: What about me?
KIYONE: Don't worry! Seion'll be back soon!
MIHOSHI: What'll I do until then?
<Kiyone>: No use of the word "vibrator", Duo.
<Duo>: Okay then--
<Kiyone>: Or "dildo".
<Duo>: How about--
<Kiyone>: Or "vacuum cleaner".
<Duo>: You're no fun.
SASAMI: (from the house) Mihoshi! They're showing a "MOLDIVER MARATHON" on TV!
MIHOSHI: OH GOODY! That's my favorite show! METAMORFORCE!
YOSHO: Well, I'm going into town on some errands. Would you care to join me, Nagi!
<Rat>: Even Yosho is gonna get some!
<Misato>: It's the "Everybody Scores but Tenchi" show!
<Rat>: Nobuyuki has Kiyone, Seion has Mihoshi, Tenchi has Sasami, and Yosho has Nagi.
<Duo>: And Ryoko has Ayeka! It works perfectly, except for the disgusting Tenchi/Sasami part.
NAGI: Hmm. Seems like nothing else is going on around here. As long it's not another trick to
get me in swimsuit.
YOSHO: Don't worry. I'm just checking on the people who are going to be running booths at the
annual carnival. I'll be leaving in 30 minutes.
WASHU:(to the cabbits) Do you two wanna help me in an experiment in evolution. You look like
cute, furry people!
<Rat>: Cute, furry people? They look more like rabbits.
WASHU A: You can do it, Washu!
WASHU B: Turn the cabbits into people, Washu!
RYO-OKI: MiYaa!
KEN-OKI: CiAoooo!
<Misato>: Literally translated, that says, "Stay the fuck away from us, you sick demented freak."
WASHU: Great! Let's get started!
WASHU A: Let's start, Washu!
WASHU B: Right now, Washu!
<Duo, as Washu A>: Yes, let's do it right here in the living room!
<Cyrus, as Washu B>: Right here on the table!
<Rat>: You would love to see that, wouldn't ya?
<Cyrus and Duo>: Uh, of course not.
RYOKO: Looks like everybodys having fun 'cept us princess.
AEKA: Not to worry. Our plan to make Tenchi jealous worked like a charm!
RYOKO: That's easy for you to say! You head didn't get bashed in!
<Rat>: That's good, even in his own fic his SI isn't powerful enough to seduce those two.
<Kiyone>: Yeah, but Ryoko and Ayeka are acting way out of character. I say it was Seion's fault,
either way.
<Rat>: Burn him! He's a witch!
AEKA: I am sorry for you. How long do you think we can keep this up.
RYOKO: Until you trick Tenchi into marrying both of us. Let's hit the bath!
AEKA: Sounds like a wonderful idea!
<Cyrus and Duo>: YES! IT'S A GREAT IDEA!
<Rat>: I agree!
<Kiyone>: Yes, I wanna see this!
<Duo>: What?
<Kiyone>: I meant I wanted to see them get MORE out of character. Even if it seems impossible.
RYOKO: Let's get into to a fight in his bedroom while he's asleep tonight and rip each other's
clothes off! It'll be fun! HAHAHAAA!
<Duo>: I take back everything bad I ever said about this fic.
<Rat>: HELL YEAH!
AEKE: OH HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOO!
(the camera pulls away with the two laughing their heads off and the ending music starts
playing.)
<Kiyone>: Do you hear anything?
<Misato>: No, why?
<Kiyone>: Oh, that's right. IT'S A GODDAMNED FIC, NOT A TV SHOW. I forget that sometimes. Like
the author does.
888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
CUE ENDING SONG: "Bouken" by Tetsuya Iwanaga
( picture of Seion in full Torabushi battle gear standing on the nose of his ship, the Amatora)
<Rat>: Um, what the HELL!!!
<Cyrus>: Don't they usually show the main characters for these things?
<Rat>: Seion IS the main character.
<Cyrus>: Well, how the hell did I end up picking this fic? I thought I MSTed Tenchi fan fiction!
Tenchi...........................................Masami Kikuchi
Ryoko............................................Ai Orikasa
Aeka.............................................Yumi Takada
Sasami...........................................Chisa Yokoyama
Kiyone...........................................Yuri Amano
Mihoshi..........................................Yuko Mizutani
Washu............................................Yuko Kobayashi
Nagi.............................................Mizue Otsuka
Ryo-oki..........................................Etsuko Kozakura
Ken-oki..........................................Akiko Yajima
Yosho and Noboyuki...............................Takeshi Aono
Seion............................................Tetsuya Iwanaga
Written by.......................................Patrick M. Stewart.
<Duo>: A bald Englishman wrote this? Here's a tip, Picard. Don't quit your day job.
<Rat>: The voice cast? Is this a joke?
<Kiyone, to Rat>: Was that?
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
CUE NEXT EPISODE MUSIC
TENCHI: In our next episode we find out that Mihoshi has a secret talnet. And she's going to
try it out on Seion.
<Rat>: Does it involve killing him with a toothpick and one swift movement of the fingers?
<Kiyone>: I hope so.
KIYONE: What do you mean mating rituals?
TENCHI: Meanwhile, my training with Seion begins!
<Cyrus>: Because Tenchi needs to learn how to be as powerful as an SI!
SEION: Hey, watch where your pointing that thing.
TENCHI: And Washu unveils her new invention, the Evo-booth!
WASHU: I AM SUCH A GENIUS!!!
TENCHI: All in our next episode: NO NEED FOR EVOLVING!
RYO-OKI and KEN-OKI: It' unquestionably a step forward!
<Rat>: YAY! No evolving! Creationism all the way, baby!!!
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Notes:
1. I got the name Seion from another pronouciation of the kanji's that spell Kiyone.
Kiyone means pure or innocent voice. Seion means unvoiced sound. Cool, ne?
<Rat>: No, not really.
<Duo> Unvoiced sound? As in quiet or won't shut up?
2. I'm writing these out as scripts rather than compositions because they take up less
space and are faster to read. If you like it good. If you don't, suffer!
<Cyrus>: Yeah, most things take up less space if they don't have any breaks in between sentences
and there isn't any description. Oh, and you don't need to worry. We were suffering just fine.
3. If you're wondering about the music all of it is taken from Tenchi CD's ("Bouken" is
actually from from the El-Hazard domestic CD from Pioneer (duh!). You can hear part
of it on AIC's website. Any Tenchi fan should visit it for bits of other songs not
yet released over here.
<Misato>: Or, you can just listen to them while reading this--oh, wait, I just remembered. It's a
fic. It doesn't have a soundtrack, or voice actors.
4. More of Mitsuki's court-martial and it's aftermath will come later in the series.
<Rat>: OH BOY!
<Cyrus>: Wow, you're really enthusiastic about this.
<Rat>: That was sarcasm! You can't tell that though, because you can't hear me! ITS TEXT!
<Cyrus>: Oh, right! By the way, who's your voice actor?
<Rat>: Um, Harrison Ford.
<Cyrus>: Wow! No wonder you sound so much like Indiana Jones!
<Rat>: And I have super powers too! Who is your voice actor?
<Cyrus>: Oh, I'm played by James Earl Jones! Check this out: "Luke, I am your father!"
<Rat>: SWEET! Wait, wait...damn, Han and Vader never really interacted did they? Damn, well...um,
"I'm banging your daughter Mr. Vader."
<Kiyone>: WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP SO WE CAN FINISH THE FIC?
5. The voice actor for I picked for Seion is Tetsuya Iwanaga who played Makoto Mizuhara
in the El-Hazard Series (Yuri Amano played Ifurita in the OVA series which is the joke behind
Kiyone's dream sequence)
<Cyrus>: And as we all know, jokes are funnier if they've been explained afterwards.
"You will all pay for this! Your DEAD! Do you hear me? DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!"-Mitsuki
<Misato>: Oh, we're paying for this. In spades.
<Rat>: Shit, we will die for MSTing this shit?
<Kiyone>: I wish.
<Cyrus>: Hmmm...sounds like everyone needs a break! To the lounge!
____________________________________________________________________
"Hey, what's up?" Cyrus asked upon his return from the bathroom.
"Duo snapped," Kiyone answered.
"Huh, how about that? It was bound to happen, I guess." Cyrus
flipped through the papers on the coffee table. "Any specific
psychosis? Schizophrenia? Bipolar Disorder? OCD?"
"He thinks he's an SI," Kiyone answered.
Cyrus did a spit take. "You're kidding."
"No. And where the hell did you get that glass of water you just
used for the spit take?"
"I used magic. Quick, take me to Duo. We need to fix this, fast."
"Gee, you seem really worried," Kiyone said.
"I am. This is a serious problem. Now take me to him."
"I am the master of every fighting style on Earth! Hii-yaaaa!" came
a voice from down the hall.
"Nevermind, I think I can figure it out," Cyrus said, running down
the hall.
Cyrus arrived in the ship's gym (Yes, the gym is conveniently down
the hall!) just in time to see Duo finishing a fighting routine that
looked like it had been developed by a mentally challenged spider
monkey on crystal meth.
"And that is the flying jujisto style of kung fu! My mentor taught
that to me when he implanted the chip in my brain that makes me super
smart!" he said to a visibly freaked out Misato and Rat.
"Duo!" hollered Cyrus. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Ah, I see. You want to challenge me to a fight."
"What? I never said that," Cyrus said, confused.
"Very well, we shall have a duel right here."
"But I didn't say I wanted to have any--OW!" Cyrus screamed and fell
to the ground, clutching his leg. "YOU SHOT ME!"
"Yes. That's the first rule of combat. Never let your opponent
shoot you." Duo holstered his pistol and turned to Misato. "So, now
that you've seen how cool I am, do you want to have sex?"
"No. That was underhanded, sneaky, and a little stupid," she replied.
"That's what I thought," Duo said. He reached over and began kissing
Misato, lasting for all of one tenth of a second before she kneed him
in the groin.
Duo jumped back, showing no visible signs of pain. "Ha! I had my
testicles reinforced with steel back during the war on Cardigan X!"
Rat began talking to Duo calmly and slowly. "Come on. Your testes
aren't reinforced with steel. You aren't an SI, Duo. Just snap out
of it. Come on..."
Duo looked at him with a hint of recognition in his eye that faded
as soon as it was there. Then Misato chimed in, as well.
"Yeah. You MST crappy fics, remember? You live on this ship?" she
said, trying to fan the flames of memory from the dim embers of Duo's
subconscious.
"I'm...not...an...SI?" Duo said, slowly.
"No, you aren't," Misato said. "Come on, give Mommy a hug."
"Mommy?" Duo asked. "But I am--ACK!" Duo fell over, a bloody wound
in his shoulder.
Rat wiped off the knife. "Ahhh...that felt good."
"You stabbed him!" Misato said.
Before Rat could reply, Duo shakily stood up. "I'm...bleeding?" he
said. "But, SI's don't bleed. Wait, I'm not an SI! I'm Duo!" he
exclaimed suddenly.
"Yay! You're back!"
"Oh, I just realized something else," Duo said.
"What's that?" Misato asked.
"I don't have steel reinforced testicles," he squeaked before falling
ground and clutching his crotch in pain.
"Mmmm...humor fit for America's Funnies Home Videos," Rat muttered.
Cyrus stood up and limped over the whimpering Duo. "This is for shooting
me," he said, and kicked Duo in the stomach. "Dick." Then he walked
off, followed by the other two MSTers. "Oh, be sure to get better soon!"
he called to Duo as they left. "The MST is starting in a few minutes!"
"Ow..." Duo cried, and rolled around in pain some more.
____________________________________________________________________
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
SFX: Eeeeeeeeeeoooo!
EPISODE 33: NO NEED FOR GEISHAS!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
<Duo>: "No Need for Geishas!"? What the hell sort of crack is this guy on? There's always a
need for Geishas!
<Rat>: What is a Geisha?
<Duo>: It's like a hot chick! And we always need hot chicks!
<Rat>: Hot chicks kick ass, even more when they wear glasses *eyes Kiyone*
<Kiyone>: I plan to never read again. At least with my glasses on.
<Rat>: This is a dark day for the world
SCENE: The Masaki House two days ago. Tenchi and company are loading up the van for the team's
trip to Kyoto for the tournament. Well, actually, Tenchi and his admirers aren't helping a damn
bit because...well, you know why.
<Rat>: Um, yeah, of course I do!
<Misato>: They're all having "that time of month".
<Kiyone>: They're all gossiping in the kitchen.
<Cyrus>: They're all in the bathroom.
<Duo>: They all had some buttsex and can't walk right.
<Kiyone>: DUO!
RYOKO:(with her arms around him)Tenchi? Tenchi, Tenchi! Why can't we come with you?
AEKA: We don't want you to leave us.(She puts her arms around him)
SASAMI: Will you bring us back something? (She does the same as the other two)
MISAKI: Something adorable? (She hugs all four of them)
<Duo>: Yeah, he'll bring you back a cute, fuzzy, case of gonorrhea!
<Kiyone>: DUO!
SEION:(in a lovestruck girl's voice) He can't get you anything if you don't let go (and he
embraces them all)
MISAKI: You're lucky you're such a pretty boy. Else I'd be mad right now. Nice long hair.
Washboard abs. Great pecks. And a really big-
<Misato>: --ego.
<Rat>: Who doesn't want Seion?
<Cyrus>: I don't.
AEKA: Mommy!
MISAKI: Oh! Sorry about that.
SEION: No problem. (to tenchi) Let's go!
GEN: Tenchi! Get the lead out!
<Duo, as Tenchi>: Sure, where's the wound?
ARASHI: So, who's taking the van?
TENCHI: Dad, Grampa, Asaka, Kamadaki and Happo.
HAPPO: WHAT?! I don't wanna hang out with them!
<Cyrus, as Happo>: They smell like death!
TENCHI: Just pulling leg there Happo. (he starts chuckling)
KEIICHI: Just when did Tenchi develope a sense of humor?
<Kiyone>: When the author started writing him out of character.
SEION: When he relized that having three girls willing to share their lives with him wasn't so
bad after all. That and he inhaled some nitrous oxcide when we were supping up the Shelby an
hour ago. Get in guys! (Tenchi, Gen, Happo, Keiichi, Arashi pile into Seion's car.) Hey, Arashi,
can you drive?
<Misato>: Wow. There are 5 SIs in there. I would imagine something's going to explode.
<Rat in a bad Scotty voice>: She can't take anymore captain!
ARASHI: No.
SEION: THEN GET THE HELL OUTTA THE DRIVER'S SEAT!
(Meanwhile, Kiyone is seeing Noboyuki off)
KIYONE: I'll miss you while you're away.
<Kiyone>: Oh, I see. I've gone from an independent career woman to a...what's the word?
<Cyrus>: Bitch.
<Kiyone>: Right, bitch.
<Rat, as Kiyone>: I'll make you cookies since I will be here without a job watching kids.
NOBOYUKI: It'll only be for three days. I'll be back soon. Remember, I'm leaving you in charge
of the party for Tenchi. What do you have planned? (She whispers in his ear) Oooooo. Sounds like
fun. Well, I'll see you real soon, dear (they kiss)
KAMADAKI: Hurry up, Lord Noboyuki! We gotta get going before-(outta no where Megumi appears)
<Misato>: That's how she was introduced into the continuity, I'd imagine.
MEGUMI: Kama-san! Where are you going? Don't leave without saying good bye! Don't you like me?
KAMADAKI: Look, you're a beautifull and charming girl and all but-(She kisses him full on the
lips and the Jurian Knight passes out.)
<Duo>: Geez, what a puss.
<Cyrus>: You really think so?
<Duo>: Yeah. I mean, what the hell sort of--(Cyrus leans over and kisses Duo full on the lips.
Duo passes out.)
<Cyrus>: That'll teach you to talk shit about Kamidake.
<Rat>: Um want to be left alone?
<Kiyone>: Today, on a very homoerotic episode of "The Flight of the HMS Zap Rowsdower"...
<Cyrus>: Hey, you could do it, Kiyone! Why couldn't I?
<Kiyone>: Because when I did it, it was fanservice.
<Rat>: Cyrus, don't complain about it! Maybe she'll do it again.
MEGUMI:(running off) He said I'm beautiful and charming!! He really, really likes me!
YOSHO: Pick Kamadaki up and lets go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCENE: Kyoto. The Tounament. The last day of competition. Arashi was eliminated in the third
round. Happo and Keiichi were taken out in the quater-finals. Genwas eliminated by Tenchi in the
Semi-finals. Now it's just Kuno and Tenchi.
<Duo>: So, was this the "Tournament of Champions Who Know the Masaki Family", or something?
<Rat>: I suppose so.
GEN: That set up was so rigged! They put me agaist you because they knew I could beat Kuno.
YOSHO: I'll have to agree with you on that one. He does tend to have an fragile ego.
SEION: You seem to know alot about the competitors.
YOSHO: I should. This is my 50th year at this tournament. Looks like I'm up.
ANNOUNCER: And now a Kendo clinic by one of the greatest instructors in Japan and named by the
Emperor as a National Treasure-Sensei Katsuhito Masaki.
<Misato>: I bet the Emperor named that ass a National Treasure, too! Shake it, baby!
(Tenchi enters)
SEION: Where ya been, Ten?
TENCHI: Gone, Seion.
ARASHI: What did you get for the girls?
<Duo>: "Been...Ten...Gone...Seion" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! IT RHYMES! GET IT?
<Kiyone>: Geez, you're a sarastic ass.
TENCHI: Well, I got these for Ryoko and Aeka. (he holds up a Pirates and a Royals baseball
jerseys)I thought they could were them to bed.
SEION: And who's bed would that be?
<Rat, as Tenchi>: Probebly yours, being an SI and all.
<Kiyone>: Nevermind, Duo. Rat kicks your ass, sarcastically.
<Rat>: Does this mean you will wear glasses for my viewing pleasure?
<Kiyone>: Did I say sarcasm turns me on?
<Rat>: Well...no.
<Kiyone>: There we go.
TENCHI: KNOCK IT OFF!
SEION: What about Sasami and her Mommy?
TENCHI: I got Sasami that Chisa CD she's always wanted. And I got Misaki a Tamaguchi. It'll keep
her from crushing any of us for a while. What did you get Mihoshi?
<Cyrus>: A new boyfriend, hopefully.
<Duo>: What's the matter? You jealous?
<Cyrus>: Yes. Now shut up.
<Rat>: Hey, you got a crush on Kiyone and Mihoshi! Looking foward to some good Miho-Kiyo yuri
lemonage?
<Cyrus>: SHUT UP! They aren't supposed to know about that!
<Kiyone>: What's this?
<Cyrus>: Nothing. Watch the fic.
SEION: I'll tell you when you're older.
GEN: I've been meaning to ask you, Tenchi. Is that Aeka's real hair color?
TENCHI:(sweating artillery shells) Uh, h-how should I know?
SEION: See for your self! Here's some recon photos!
<Cyrus, as Seion>: I hired an elite team of Navy SEALS to take them!
GEN: GAH? Oh baby! Command me my Princess.
SEION: And here's one of Ryoko for you, Arashi.
ARASHI: YEEEEEEEOOWZA! There're huge!
<Misato>: Yeah, maybe she should get those lumps checked.
SEION: And one of Nagi for Happo!
HAPPO: (scared) OH MY GOD!(then he looks at the picture and joyfully says) Oh my God.
KEIICHI: You got one of Kiyone for me-(Seion cracks him one) OWWW!
<Rat>: YAY! KIYONE PORN!!!
<Kiyone>: No, there isn't. The real Kiyone looks a lot better than that bitch.
TENCHI: What are you doing with those? I thought you didn't like them!
SEION: I don't. But they still have nice bodies. That and I can use them for blackmail. You want
to see them, don't you Tenchi? (He holds up one of Tsunami)
<Rat>: Damn, what a pervert.
<Duo>: Um, she looks kind of like a guy. With tits.
<Rat>: I agree, well more like a little boy
<Duo>: Well, to each his own, I suppose.
TENCHI: I uh, (He's just awestruck by Tsunami's beauty but he doesn't get a nosebleed) What I
wouldn't give for something to interupt this awkward moment.
ANNOUNCER: And now for our final match of the tournament! It's the defending champion Tatawaki
Kuno facing of against, in his first ever tournament, the grandson of the great Katsuhito Masaki
Tenchi Masaki!
<Cyrus>: He's just riding his grandfather's coattails, you know.
TENCHI: That'll do it! Cheer me on!(the scene cuts to Tenchi and Kuno charging at each other
screaming their heads of. It's the same scene from the begining. As they swing at each other,
the screen goes black with two blue slash trails on it. When the scene goes back to normal, we
see Tenchi and Kuno just standing there. Then, just like the block of wood he is, Kuno falls as
if he were a tree and Tenchi was the lumberjack that cut him down in both body and ego.)
<Rat>: KICK HIS ASS!
<Misato>: Wow. The simile is so, um...crappy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCENE: The Masaki House, Kiyone's on the phone.
KIYONE: He won? Really? Yes, it's all ready to go. Just have to get the girls ready. Don't worry
about that. Washu is going to make sure it's authentic. What's that? Oh, I miss you too. I will.
Love you too. Bye-bye.
<Rat>: AWWWWWWWWWW...Kiyone is in love!
<Misato>: Kiyone and Nob-y sitting in a tree! K-I-
<Kiyone>: -L-L-I-N-G if you don't shut up.
MIHOSHI: Well?
MISAKI: How are they?
AEKA&RYOKO: Did Lord Tenchi win?
KIYONE: Well.....HE WON!
<Cyrus>: ...A BRAND NEW CAR!
RYOKO: ALRIGHT! PARTY TIME!
AEKA: I quite agree with Miss Ryoko. What kind of party shall we have?
KIYONE: Does any of you know what a Geishaya is?
<Cyrus>: Actually, I don't. Isn't it a whore?
<Kiyone>: No, a Geisha is a highly skilled female traditional entertainer.
<Cyrus>: So, a whore.
<Kiyone>: No.
<Cyrus>: Bah, you say potato...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SFX: Eeeeyoooo! (wood blocks)
(picture of Ryo-oki and Ken-oki in ship form bumping into each other)
<Duo>: Gee, I thought they'd mate in cabbit form...
=====================================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
SCENE: Yosho and Sasami walk into a diner. Seion is behind the counter.
<Cyrus>: Which I believe immediately violates twelve sanitation laws.
SEION: What can I get you, sweethart?
SASAMI: A Popsi, please!
SEION: Sorry, all we have is Coke.
<Misato, as Sasami>: Sorry, I meant a Pepsi. Damn speech impediment.
YOSHO: Now you've done it!
SASAMI:(talking like Joe Peshi) You're sorry? I ordered a Popsi pal!
SEION: Look, I just though-
<Duo>: He thought that you would accept whatever he told you to because you're a girl and he's
the all-powerful SI of DOOM!
<Rat>: Wasn't this a real commercial?
<Cyrus>: No, this is a parody. Except not funny.
SASAMI: YOU THOUGHT? WHAT YOU REALLY THOUGH IS THAT I DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN COKE AND
POPSI!
SEION: NOW LOOK HERE YOU LITTLE BRAT! ALL I GOT'S COKE! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT GO AHEAD AND BE
THIRSTY! SEE IF I CARE!
<Kiyone>: Seion doing what he does best: scaring little girls.
SASAMI:(like Sammy again)........I'll take a coke then, sir.
YOSHO: I told you that doesn't work on Seion.
SASAMI: (Peshi voice again) Shove it, Grand-pa! (Sammi) I like this place!
<Misato>: Wow, believe it or not, that commercial doesn't get any better when you replace the actors with anime characters!
<Rat>: It got worse!
=====================================================
SFX:Eeeeyoooo!(wood blocks)
(picture of the cabbits with a bunch of carrots slung over Ken-oki's back)
<Duo>: See, that's your typical feminist--
<Kiyone>: Shut up, Duo. It won't work twice.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SCENE: The Masaki House. Ryoko's up on her perch [the rafters] looking down. The rest of the
are talking to Kiyone.
AEKA: Lord Tenchi in a place like that! I won't allow it!
RYOKO: She's right! What do those geisha's have that we don't?
<Cyrus>: An intangible quality known as "slutty".
<Duo>: Well, maybe not in Ryoko's case.
NAGI: They're nicer, they're better cooks than you two, they're-
SASAMI: I think Kiyone means that-
AEKA: And where does Noboyuki and that creetin Seion-
<Rat>: Wow, I like Aeka here.
<Misato>: Me too, but just because she's out of character. I mean, look at that atrocious grammar.
Who wrote this? A ten-year-old?
<Rat>: Hey, I wish my grammar could be so good.
<Cyrus>: It's okay Rat. You aren't writing things in an attempt to pass them off as the next Tenchi
series.
<Rat>: Er, of course not. Why would I do that? Not like I have an SI that Kiyone falls madly for.
*coughs*
KIYONE: What have I told you about calling him that?
AEKA: I'm sorry, Kiyone. Where does Lord Noboyuki and that creetin Seion get off taking him to a
place like that?
RYOKO: Yeah, they've got some nerve doing that to our Tenchi.
<Kiyone>: They should know he's on a no-ramen diet!
MIHOSHI: Our Tenchi?
AEKA: We cannot permit this to happen!
RYOKO: You right, my dear Aeka.
MISAKI: My dear Aeka? What do you mean by that?
<Rat>: Wow we missed some out of character lesbo action by skipping chapters, didn't we?
<Duo>: Goddammit!
<Cyrus>: What? I didn't see any when I was going through the chapters...maybe this fic has
some redeeming qualities, after all.
RYOKO: LET'S LEVEL THAT GEISHAYA!(the backround goes black and lightning starts flashing. It
continues for the rest of the characters until Kiyone's next line.)
AEKA: FOR LORD TENCHI'S SAKE!
<Rat>: Oh, God. If anyone makes an "All your base" joke in here, I will kill them.
<Cyrus>: LAUNCH EVERY--uh...nevermind.
MISAKI:(with tears in her eyes)IS THERE SOMETHING YOU TWO AREN'T TELLING ME?
SASAMI: WHY DON'T YOU GUYS LET HER FINISH?
MIHOSHI: YOU TWO CAN'T JUST GO AROUND PICKING ON GEISHA GIRLS!
<Misato> Woah, that's a pretty confrontational Sasami and Mihoshi there.
<Duo>: Maybe they're drunk. I bet Sasami would be a mean drunk.
<Rat>: Yeah, all that anger at them comes out with just a touch of booze.
NAGI: YOU'RE ACTING LIKE IDIOTS!
RYO-OKI: MIYA!
KIYONE: KNOCK IT OFF!
THE GIRLS: Sorry.
<That One Guy>: This is so stupid.
<Misato>: Who said that?
<Cyrus>: Just someone who wanted to prove a point about labels in script format.
KIYONE: In case you didn't hear me after I told you what a geishaya was you would've know that
the geishaya they're going to is HERE!
MISAKI: You mean WE get to be the geisha's?
SASAMI: That's right! (with that Washu's door opens)
<Duo>: Aw, Sasami's going to be a geisha. I wonder if she has a Fisher-Price "My First
Whorehouse"?
<Kiyone>: I told you, a geisha is a...nevermind.
WASHU: And I'm getting it all ready! But we need it to look authentic so we're going to have to
do something with that hair of yours, girls.
RYOKO: Like what? (the scene switches to a Ryoko with long, strait black hair.) This hair just
isn't me. Look at me! I'm starting to behave and act all nice! This do is really cramping my
style!
NAGI: You're style? Look at me! (Nagi's hair is black now also. In fact, ALL the girls' hair is.
<Misato>: Do you think this guy could have gotten a prereader or something beforehand?
<Cyrus>: They probably all quit. Can't say I blame them.
SASAMI: This is going to be fun!
AEKA: (reading a book on Geisha's) Uh, Sasami? You are to young to take part in this. I'm sorry.
And the same goes for you too, LITTLE Washu.
<Duo>: See, too young! Geishas MUST be whores!
<Kiyone>: Fine. Your logic amazes me. You win. Now shut the hell up.
<Rat>: Shut up Duo, this is already bad. Do you want it to become a bad lemon?
<Kiyone>: Damn straight, Rat.
WASHU: HEY NOW! I..oh...I..(sigh)...I'm going back to my lab where I dispense the quips rather
than absorb them.
SASAMI:(crying) Can I come with you Washu?
<Misato, as Washu>: Why sure, I've been working on an erotic torture chamber and I need someone
to test it out.
<Cyrus>: NO! Bad Misato!
KIYONE: (looking at Aeka) Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I'm going with them. I'll be back. Until then,
Misaki's in charge. (a sudden look of despair falls over Aeka and Ryoko as Misaki applys one of
her patented embraces on them.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCENE: The Lab. That's all. Just the Lab. Oh, and Washu, Sasami and Kiyone are in it.
<Cyrus>: Whew. Stage direction humor. Never gets old.
<Rat>: This theatre is just here...oh and Cyrus, Kiyone, Duo, Misato and myself are in it.
<Duo>: HA HA! Good one, Rat!
KIYONE: That was kind of a bitchy thing for Aeka to pull.
WASHU: Don't worry about it. I've planned for this eventuallity.
SASAMI: How, Miss Washu?
<Kiyone, as Washu>: Subcontractors.
WASHU: I'll show you! (Washu walks behind a changing screen. When she comes back from behind it
she is the fully grown Washu from OVA 7) They can't say no to me now, can they? (the Little
Washu puppets appear dressed in full geisha trappings.)
<Kiyone>: Gee, most authors usually at least put in some crappy plot device when they mix
continuities.
<Cyrus>: I guess this one couldn't be bothered.
WASHU-A: You're a BABE, Washu!
WASHU-B: The Hottest ever, Washu!
KIYONE: But what about Sasami?
<Duo>: Well, I thing a few socks could do the trick.
<Rat>: So Sasami wants to appear older for Tenchi's sexual amusement?
<Cyrus>: I guess the author doesn't want Sasami to miss out on the wild sex party.
WASHU: She already know's how to solve her problem.
SASAMI: That's right! I forgot about it! I'll see you later! (Sasami runs out of the lab and up
to her room.)
WASHU: And now for Ryo-ohki. By the way, have you seen Ken-oki in the past few days?
<Duo>: No? Then he's screwing around behind your back, Ryo-Ohki.
<Rat>: With that damn slut Jen-Ohki.
<Misato>: Yeah, I'd look out to see if there are any rabbits around that "Miya" if I were you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCENE: Seion's car. In it is the usual gang of idiots. Tenchi is holding up Ken-oki.
<Cyrus, as Tenchi>: Just hand over the carrots, and nobody gets hurt.
<Rat>: Hey, even the author agrees with us about his characters.
<Kiyone>: I don't know, it could be that "sarcasm" thing I keep hearing about.
TENCHI: You should've let us know you where a stow-away.
KEN-OKI: CHIAO!
TENCHI: That's no excuse! You're lucky we found you some carrots.
KEN-OKI: Chiao-chiao!
<Duo>: That's cabbit for, "Put me down before I bite off your fingers, asshole."
ARASHI: How long before we get back home?
SEION: Another couple of hours! Just relax!
GEN: Hey, Seion? How do you know that your in love with a girl?
HAPPO: When you do stupid stuff to impress her!
<Kiyone>: Stupid stuff to impress her...of course! It all makes sense! He wrote
this to impress a girl! It's stupid, and that's all the necessary criteria!
<Rat>: What a genius!
<Misato>: What a poor, poor, girl.
SEION: We'd do that anyway. It's when you do stupid stuff to keep her happy.
TENCHI: Like that kitten you got for Mihoshi? (we see a kawaii white kitten with blue eyes and a
death grip on Seion's face)
SEION: Like the kitten.
<Rat>: Wow, an opponent that could defeat Seion! Go kitten!
SCENE: The Masaki House. The girls are getting ready. There's a knock at the door. Misaki gets
the door. Standing there is Megumi.
MEGUMI: Uh, Hello Pretty Young Lady. Is Kamadaki home yet? (With that Masaki puts one of her
patented hugs on Megumi. Megumi returns it in kind.)
MISAKI: WHAT AN ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL!
MEGUMI: THANK YOU, NICE LADY! (they break the hug.)
<Duo>: Damn, I was hoping they were about to start going at it right here at the door.
MISAKI: No, Sir Kamadaki hasn't returned. He'll be here in a couple of hours. Would you like to
join us?
MEGUMI: Sure! Sounds like fun!
MISAKI: RYOKO! LITTLE AEKA! Prepare Little Megumi here for the party! (Ryoko and Aeka come out
dressed up as two of the prettiest geisha's that anybody has ever seen)
<Rat>: I've never seen a geisha, so I suppose they are the prettiest I have seen.
AEKA: Right this way Miss Megumi.
RYOKO: We'll get you ready in no time. Just leave it to us. I'll do your hair.
ALL BUT RYOKO: NO!
AEKA: I'll take care of Miss Megumi. You go get the sake ready. And try not drink any before the
party.
RYOKO: I can't promise I'll try. But I'll try to try!
<Misato>: I can't help but think Ryoko might be an alcoholic.
<Cyrus>: ...said the pot.
<Rat>: You should go to an AA meeting with her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCENE: Outside the house two hours later. The men folk are going up to house.
TENCHI: I should get some rest. I've got an entrance exam tomorrow.
NOBOYUKI: I don't think you should worry about that.
<Duo>: Yeah. College. What sort of stupid shit is that?
TENCHI: And why's that? (Tenchi opens the front door)
SEION: Here's why. (The whole house is completely redecorated to look like the inside of a
Geishaya. All the girls are done up like Geisha's, except for Sasami, who doesn't appear to be
where.)
<Cyrus>: Aw, she's missing the whore scene!
<Kiyone>: I told you, they AREN'T WHORES.
<Cyrus>: And I told you, you say potato...
<Rat>: Sweet...so is Kiyone dressed all slutty too?
<Kiyone>: This ship is about three lines away from a massacre.
<Rat>: I am a guest. You should vent all your rage on Duo and Cyrus first.
<Cyrus>: Shut up, Rat.
TENCHI: I, ya,...oh boy....This is not a good time for this, dad. I have a resposiblity to-
YOSHO: You've been responsible all your life. It's time for you to do something totally
irresposible. Just for tonight. You've earned it.
TENCHI: Well, since you put it that way...
<Cyrus, as Tenchi>: ...who needs an education? Let's go whoring!
<Rat>: Wow, I wish my grandpa would tell me to get whores, he usually just calls me a hippie.
KIYONE: Well come to the Masaki Geishaya, my lords. Do you have a reservation?
NOBOYUKI: Masaki. Party of six.
KIYONE: Very well. I'll let you pick the girl you want to entertain you tonight. As the guest of
honor, Tenchi get to choose two of them. I suggest those two.(she points to Aeka and Ryoko.)
They're our best girls.
<Duo, as Tenchi>: Gee, I don't see Sasami anywhere, dammit.
TENCHI: I uh...
SEION:(to Tenchi) Don't fight it! Just do it.
TENCHI: Right! I'll take your advice, Miss Kiyone.
<Misato>: Gee, Kiyone. I guess you're the pimp.
<Kiyone>: Not you too...
KIYONE: Ryoko! Aeka! Please take Lord Tenchi and get him ready. (The three of them leave) And
how about you, Mister Makibi?
SEION: Is Miss Mihoshi still working here?
MIHOSHI: Yes I am, my dear warrior. Come with me.(She leads him off)
<Cyrus>: Oh, all of this whoremongering almost makes you forget the main appeal of Mihoshi's
character is her innocence.
<Duo>: And her tits.
<Cyrus>: Shut up, Duo.
ASAKA: Well, this looks like it might be fun. I'll take the pretty young girl over there.
WASHU: You won't regret this, Lord Knight.
ASAKA: Indeed I shant. (They head off)
<Cyrus>: How does one shant? Is it a dance move or something?
KIYONE: And what about you, Kamadake?
KAMADAKE: I don't think I'll-(Insert the Megumi embrace) Uh, I guess I'll be staying after all.
(he walks of with her)
KIYONE: And for you, Lord Noboyuki?
<Rat, as Kiyone>: Please choose me, you big hunk of man!
<Duo, as Noboyuki>: It's okay, I'll just watch.
<Kiyone>: I hope Kagato comes back and takes me this time.
KIYONE: Wise choice. (They head off together.)
KEN-OKI: Chiao? (A humannoid Ryo-oki walks up to him and she picks him up and leaves the room)
YOSHO: Well, it looks like it's just you two that are left, but I think I'll take.......you.
(he walks up to Misaki) Shall we? (As they leave we see Nagi standing there alone)
<Misato>: Isn't Misaki Yosho's aunt?
<Cyrus>: Half-mother, actually.
<Rat>: No, that is OAV. This is supposed to be TV.
<Misato>: Then why does he mention Tokimi in his disclaimer? And why does Washu have a adult form?
And why is Misaki even in this?
<Rat>: Um...blame the author.
<Kiyone>: Can we just agree that this is a bizarre Freudian thing and get on with this goddamn MST?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCENE: Sasami's room. Sasami is asleep in bed with Tsunami standing beside her.
TSUNAMI: Goodnight, Sasami. (she kisses Sasami on the forehead. And then leaves the room.)
<Misato>: Speaking of continuity errors...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCENE: Downstairs in the dining room. The gang is gathered around the table. All the menfolk are
in their feudal Japanese get-ups.
TENCHI: So what did you prepare for dinner?
<Misato as Ayeka>: Favra beans and chianti.
AEKA: I'm not sure. Sasami said it was a suprise.
RYOKO: Whatever that means.(with that Tsunami enters with dinner and says.....)
TSUNAMI: Suprise.
<Duo>: No, a surprise is for her to serve it naked.
<Kiyone>: Actually, the surprise is Tsunami's mere appearance in a TV-based fic.
TENCHI: Uh...heh heh.
TSUNAMI: (in Tenchi's ear) Sasami say's congraduations.
<Cyrus>: A winner is you!
TENCHI: (he takes out the CD) Here. Give this to her.
TSUNAMI: I'm sure I'll-I mean she'll love it.
RYOKO: Would you like a little sake, Tenchi-chan?
TENCHI: I don't think I'm allowed-
<Duo, as Tenchi>: ...to remove this stick from my ass.
YOSHO: Don't worry. I won't tell anyone.
TENCHI: Thank you, Ryoko.
(what follows for the next couple of minutes are scenes of a nice little party. Aeka and Ryoko
feeding Tenchi, Washu offering Asaka sake, Mihoshi playing with her new kitten, Yosho and Misaki
laughing it up, Megumi with a warm, loving embrace around "Kama-san" and Noboyuki and Kiyone
kissing. Tenchi, Aeka, and Ryoko seem to drink a little to much sake.)
<Rat>: Sweet, I hope he is a violent drunk and starts throwing stuff.
<Cyrus, as Tenchi>: Now, yoush better shut up, Ryokosh. *vomit*
RYOKO: We want your decision by tonight, Tenchi.
AEKA: We can't wait much longer.
<Duo, as Tenchi>: Pikachu, I choose you!
<Kiyone>: That was wrong on so many levels.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCENE: Three hours later. All but Seion, Yosho, Mihoshi, and Misaki have gone upstairs.
TENCHI: That was fun. I gotta get to bed. Well good-night. See you in the morning.
ALL: Goodnight!(Tenchi leaves. He's just a little drunk from all the sake he had)
SEION: So finish your story, my Queen.
<Misato, as Misaki>: "I never thought it could happen, Penthouse, but it did! Sincerely, Jim."
MISAKI: Well, anyway, Aeka just shoved this meleodramatic, pink-haired suitor into a mudpuddle.
My lord was he ever annoying! I was just glad that she-(Tenchi comes back down)
TENCHI: Uh, Sempai, can you come up here? (Seion and Tenchi go back upstairs to his room where
we see Aeka and Ryoko beside Tenchi's bed)
<Duo>: Ready to stab, I hope.
<Rat>: Ready to stab?
<Duo>: Yes. Stab him when he gets into bed. So he dies. And this fic ends.
SEION: Yer kidding, right? Here it goes, You take your-
TENCHI: I KNOW THAT! I mean about the two of them! I don't need a fight.I've got that exam
tomorrow! (Seion looks and says...)
<Misato>: That's our Tenchi.
<Cyrus, as Tenchi>: There are two beautiful women by my bed...but I have an exam tomorrow!
What can I do?
SEION: Don't ask me. I've got to get back. It's your choice. (He shoves Tenchi in, shuts the
door, and leaves.)
TENCHI: (deep breath and a pause.) Alright, girls. You win. I'll say it. I love the two of you
with all my heart and you'll both just have to accept that. Don't make me choose between you
because I just can't.
<Rat>: See, he wants 'em both!
<Misato>: No, he's just being indecisive AND getting sex.
<Rat>: He is a crafty bastard.
AEKA: We have already accepted your love for us, my dear Tenchi.
RYOKO: I think we can live with it if you can. Now choose.
TENCHI: So what do you two want me to choose between then? (then it hits him) You don't mean...
AEKA: I'm afraid we do.
<Rat>: Ah, a relationship based on sex. Those the are best kind!
<Cyrus>: "For when you can't afford to buy her gifts..."
RYOKO: I take it you still can't choose between us. (Tenchi prepares for another aurgument) But
I know a way to settle this. (Tenchi prepares for a full blow fight) I'll let Aeka have the
privledge of having you first. I'll leave you two kids alone for a while. (She kisses Aeka on
her cheek) Goodnight, Aeka-san. (she walks up to Tenchi and kisses him) Goodnight, my love. And
don't wear youself out. I'll be back a little later to check up on you two. (Ryoko leaves)
<Duo, as Ryoko>: Just to make sure you got it in the right hole and everything.
TENCHI: Well, were do we start, Aeka? (with that line Aeka begins to remove her kimono and the
screen does as follows....)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FADE TO BLACK
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
<Cyrus>: Of course, when there's finally something worth watching.
88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
ENDING SONG: "Ueno No Koi No Monogatari" by Ai Orikasa, Yumi Takada, and Masami Kikuchi. They
are all in the outfits they wore at the party.
<Kiyone>: Here's an idea: let's just leave rather than go through this annoying crap again.
<Cyrus>: You guys can leave. I'm going to stay until the end.
<Kiyone>: Masochistic freak.
<Rat>: Why you staying?
<Misato>: It's a matter of pride, I think. Can't leave before the end, or he's admitting the fic
defeated him.
<Rat>: I'll go thru this hell with ya, buddy.
<Cyrus>: No, go save yourself.
<Rat>: (already out the door) Okay.
Tenchi...........................................Masami Kikuchi
Ryoko............................................Ai Orikasa
Aeka.............................................Yumi Takada
Sasami...........................................Chisa Yokoyama
Kiyone&Megumi....................................Yuri Amano
Mihoshi..........................................Yuko Mizutani
Washu............................................Yuko Kobayashi
Nagi.............................................Mizue Otsuka
Ryo-oki..........................................Etsuko Kozakura
Ken-oki..........................................Akiko Yajima
Yosho and Noboyuki...............................Takeshi Aono
Seion............................................Tetsuya Iwanaga
Special Appearances by
Gen..............................................GenSao
Happo............................................Happosai
Keiichi..........................................Keiichi Masaki
Arashi...........................................Arashi Tokay
<Cyrus>: Well, it's an SI parade, isn't it?
Written by.......................................Patrick M. Stewart.
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
CUE NEXT EPISODE MUSIC
<Cyrus>: I hope it's Komm, Susser Tod.
TENCHI:In our next Episode I wake up the next morning and miss my exam!
AEKA: You were wonderful last night, Tenchi!
RYOKO: I'll remember it always!
TENCHI: But Seion has something else on his mind.
SEION: It's been a long time, Trakal.
<Cyrus>: Oh, a dead character. I wonder what stupid plot device will resurrect him?
TENCHI: The operative mysteriously returns and reminises old times with Seion and Demi.
TRAKAL: But that mission changed our lives. And her's.
TENCHI: All in Episode 34: No Need For Old Times!
TRAKAL: It's possitivly worth remembering.
<Cyrus>: More like completely forgettable.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Notes:
1. I know, I know."What's with Aeka and Ryoko in this story?" They're growing out of their
jelousy over Tenchi. It's more trouble fighting over him than spending time with him. When he
scolded them a couple Episodes back it finally hit them. They are making an effort to be friends
and, one day, maybe even a sister/wife type relationship. Oh yeah, and they downed a bottle of
sake along with Tenchi. They're just a little bit uninhibited. But what they say is sincere.
2. Just who are all these new characters? If you haven't read the first few Eps do so now.
3. Visit my website at http://home.earthlink.net/~alliemae for website banners and more.
4. If you wanna know what Seion looks like, just let me know by Email and I can send you
a copy of his picture and his stats.
<Cyrus>: I hope there isn't some sort of stupid fan club.
Seion can be reached at alliemae@mail.earthlink.net. Don't flame me or my fic. If you do you
will get nuked back.
<Cyrus>: I wonder under what category this fic falls?
Smile for the nice people Sasami -----> (^-^)
"Curse the handsome devil that I am! I'm always one step ahead of myself!"--Seion Makibi
<Cyrus>: Of course we can end it on an ego trip. Why wouldn't we?
____________________________________________________________________
Cyrus walked back into the lounge moments after the fic finished,
only to find the whole crew sitting around talking and having fun.
Obviously, he needed to put a stop to this. What better way than to
mention the fic they just finished?
"So guys, what'd you think of the fic?" he asked, receiving perverse
delight in watching the end of their merriment.
"A lot of it appeared to really assume the reader knew all the stuff
from other series. It also seemed to be like a set of jokes that
you would tell friends put together to make a fic. Could have had
some promise if he worked harder," Rat answered.
"And if they'd been in character," Misato added.
"And if there were fewer author created characters," Kiyone put in.
"And if it was just a long lesbian sex scene," Duo said.
"Yeah, I agree with that. And then there was that SI...whew." Cyrus
wiped his brow for effect. "That was one hell of an SI."
"Is something wrong, Rat?" Misato asked. It made sense to ask, too,
because Rat had a strange look on his face and was kind of dancing
back and forth.
"Um, where's the bathroom?" he asked.
"Down the hall, third door on the left," Cyrus answered.
Moments later, there was a screaming sound and a sudden slamming.
"Oops, I'm wrong, that's the airlock."
"Gee, I'm glad we didn't actually get to know this one before he
was taken from us," Kiyone said.
"He was a guest MSTer. He knew the risks," Cyrus said callously.
"No he didn't," Duo pointed out.
"Yeah, whatever."
Further discussion was cut off by Wormon's sudden entrance into
the room. "I'm getting a distress signal! And it's from Ken!"
"Quickly, to the bridge!" Cyrus yelled, running gallantly to
the stairs.
Duo, Misato, Cyrus, and Wormon piled into the lift. It's doors
closed, and moments later, Kiyone walked in wearing glasses.
"Hey, I found my reading glasses! I think I'll wear them for a
while. Is that okay with you guys?"
"We're on the bridge," came Cyrus's voice from the intercom.
"Oh, right." Kiyone ran to the lift and hopped.
Meanwhile, Rat was looking in through a porthole, looking in at
the glasses-wearing Kiyone. A single tear ran down his eye as
he ran out of breath.
TO BE CONTINUED...
____________________________________________________________________
I'd like to start out by giving major thanks to WonderRat, both for
suggesting the fic and helping me MST it. Everything you see with
<Rat> before it was thought up by him. In most places. Any
comments can be sent to me, rowsdower@seanbaby.com, or to Rat,
WolfLord_72@yahoo.com. Alternatively, you could just go to my
website, SpackleCube Industries, Inc., which is located at
www.dabrits.co.uk/spacklecube and leave a cryptic, poorly-spelled
message in my guestbook. Thanks for reading, and I look forward to
seeing you at the conclusion of this Three-part Flight of the HMS
Zap Rowsdower Season Finale Story Event.
And of course, thanks to the folks at Best Brains who created MST3K
and the authors of the First Amendment. You guys rock.
EYECATCH: RYOKO: Gladly!(as Ryoko turns away from Seion, he lets go with a viscious forearm to the back
of Ryoko's skull, slamming her to the ground. He instantly leaps onto her back, grabs her hair
and sets up for a death blow)