*DISCLAIMER* Kiyone is property of AIC and Pioneer. Wormon and Ken are property of Toei Animation and Saban. Misato is property of GAINAX. Duo is property of Sunrise and Sotsu agency. Kagato and Lady Tokimi are owned by the fickle finger of love. And AIC and Pioneer. This MST probably shouldn't be read by children. Or adults. Or anybody, for that matter. But hey, it's your call. *DISCLAIMER* Space. It's pretty lonely, all in all. The odds of two ships crossing each others' paths is astronomical, because space is really damn huge. However, that's what plot devices are. Really astronomical events with little chance of realistically happening that happen because the author really wants them to. This is the story of one of those events... NIGHT OF THE KAGATO A Flight of the HMS Zap Rowsdower Special Season Finale Event Part I: The Arrival "CAPTAIN! WE'VE GOT A HULL BREACH ON DECKS ONE THROUGH SIX!" yelled Duo from his post at the engineering station. "Dammit, Duo! I couldn't understand that! Say it with a Scottish accent!" hollered back Cyrus. "Um, okay." Duo paused for a moment. "Keptin! E've got a 'ull breach on decks un through six!" "'Keptin'?" echoed Cyrus. "That's Chekov, you idiot! You're demoted!" "But I was just..." Duo began. "Shut up before I have you court-martialed! And executed!" yelled Cyrus. "Geez. Asswipe," muttered Duo. Cyrus heard him, but ignored it and turned to his security officer. "Kiyone, what's our weapons loadout?" "I told you several times already. The weapons systems were outsourced to a French subcontractor," Kiyone said. "What does that mean?" asked Cyrus. "It means that our weapons systems consist of several white flags." "A joke about the French? I thought we were above those," said Misato from the comm. station. "Yeah, but they're so easy!" replied Cyrus. "We had like twelve punchlines there. 'The weapons systems consist of longbows!' Or, alternatively, 'We need a hand crank to power up the phasers.' And we mustn't forget 'Well, that's not what DeGaulle said!'" "That last one didn't even make sense," said Ken from the science station. Cyrus though for a second. "Maybe it was something along the lines of 'Yeah, well, Hitler didn't seem to have much trouble!'" "Alright, one more French joke and we mutiny," said Kiyone. "Anyway, what are we going to do about that?" She pointed to the main screen, on which was displayed a large, big, huge ship of immense size. A ship that could only be identified as the Souja. "Alright. Bring the captain of the ship on screen, Miss Misato," Cyrus sighed. "We'll have to negotiate terms of our surrender." "That was a shitty battle," muttered Duo from the engineering station. "Court Martial, dammit! COURT MARTIAL!" Cyrus yelled at Duo, spinning so he could glare at his Chief Engineer and shake his fist. "Captain, we have Kagato on screen," said Misato. "What, Kagato? But he's dead," replied Cyrus as he turned around. "Yeah, that's what I thought," said Kagato. "Eep!" "What?" asked Kagato, looking down at his clothes. "Is something wrong?" "Um, you, um, y-y-y-you're, um--" "Spit it out, boy!" Kagato said, interrupting Cyrus's stammering speech. "You're alive!" exclaimed Cyrus, his train of thought brought back on track by Kagato's command. "Yes...why, did you have something planned?" Kagato asked suspiciously. "Yes. I mean, NO! I didn't try to kill you! I just, um, though that Tenchi had killed you and all." "Ah, I see. Well, I am pretty sure I would recall being killed." "Oh. Okay then. Well, um, we surrender." "You do? Well, we'll have to negotiate terms." "So you aren't going to kill us mercilessly?" "Heavens no. What would I gain from destroying such an insignificant ship as this?" "TIME TO DIE, BITCH! TIME TO DIE, BITCH!" The phrase echoed loudly from the intercom throughout the ship. It was time for a fanfic. "What?" exclaimed Kagato. "Is this some sort of trap?" "No, no, it's just the fanfic alert. It means we have a fanfic to MST," Cyrus hastily explained. He spun around to look at Duo. "I TOLD you not to fuck with the fanfic alert! You almost got us all killed!" Then, he realized Duo, as well as the rest of his crew, was nowhere to be found. "Where'd they go?" "I believe they went to the theater," said Wormon. "Oh, right. Pavlovian training. Forgot about it." Cyrus turned to Kagato, "Look, I'll be right back. Wormon, keep him from destroying the ship while we're in the theater, okay?" Cyrus ran off the bridge, leaving Wormon and Kagato alone in an awkward silence. "So...you like fishing?" ___________________________________________________________________________ : Jeez, what took you so long? : Yeah, and was that who I thought it was? : No. I'm not going to think about it. Let's just watch the fic. : But I was pretty sure it was-- : NO! It was just a dream! I'm going to go back to the bridge and there will be nobody there! "The Lonesome Dreams of a Scientist" : This fic isn't about Stephen Hawking masturbating, is it? : I swear, Maxwell, that was your last goddamn chance. You pull anything else like that, I will blow your head off. A Tenchi Muyo OVA songfic By Kagato Akara : I wonder if he's any relation to the actual Kagato. (Kagato teleports in.) : No. I want to make that very clear. And the Kagato in the story isn't in any way related to me, either. : Are you sure? Because this is a Tenchi fic. : Look, Kagato is like John or Matt in America. Okay? It could be any Kagato. (teleports away) : A dream, huh? : Shut up. Disclaimer: This is a Tenchi Muyo songfic using the Aerosmith song, "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing." : Pardon me while I retch. Thank you so much, Armageddon soundtrack. : Gee, I always thought that the worst thing that would come out of Armageddon was the end of the world, but here we are. I don't claim to own the rights to Tenchi Muyo, which is owned by AIC and was created by the wonderful Masaki Kajishima, : Yep, good old Masaki "Nail Your Half-sister" Kajishima. or to any of Steven Tyler's songs and defenitly not to his incredible voice. : Geez, what an ass-kisser. All characters contained within this fic also belong to AIC and I claim no right to them. I am simply writing this for entertainment purposes and I am not making a profit from it. So, without further ado... On with the show! : It's the Kagato show! Starring me, Kagato! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- : So, should we cut there, or what? The scientist sleeps, dreaming of things undiscovered and territories unexplored. : Wait, I thought this wasn't a lemon. : Last I checked... Her upper body leans upon an enormous console, right cheek pressed against the cold metal. : Hold on, let me check my notes...I could have sworn this was just a crappy songfic, but it's reading like crappy erotica...(shuffles pages on a clipboard he pulled out from underneath his seat) Alright, is this "Passionate Sasami"? : No. : Howabout "At The Carrot Patch"? : (shudders) No. : "Kanashii No Imi"? : No. For the love of God, no. : Well, in that case we didn't actually get one of the "UnMSTables" I have hidden around here. I guess it's just poorly written. Her posture portrays the current situation of her life quite clearly, : We can figure out the situation of her life from her posture? : Yeah right, Sherlock Holmes. for she is utterly alone with only the prospect of working on new inventions and theories to comfort her. : What, did she invent a dildo or something? : You're lucky I didn't hear that. And now she is only accompanied by the darkness that surrounds her, the only constant companion. Such a lonely life to lead, yet nothing compared to the loneliness seen within her slumber. : You know, I get this feeling that Washu's lonely. : Maybe. Just maybe. Her dreams constantly turning to nightmares, haunting her with their errie depictions of reality. The darkness around her shifts slightly, announcing the presence of another soul there. : Ooh, time traveling! First we were in the past, now we're in the present! : I don't think tense changes can alter the fabric of reality. <> : Every moment I spend with this fic is a moment of my life I want back. He stood there, draped within the darkness of her cold and metallic laboratory, utterly lifeless. : In other words, dead. : Hey, that was quick. Let's go. : Wait, I think there's more. Crimson eyes fell upon her, watching her while she dwelled within a troubled slumber. The intruder silently steps forward, emerging from the shadows to reveal pale skin accentuated with soft purple and light green robes. : Soft purple and light green? Come on, this has to be-- : No, it's not! Just stop thinking that right now, or I will destroy this puny vessel! : Okay, okay. Those eyes of his gazed at her, watching her body shift ever so slightly. His heart leapt as he found his feet guiding him slowly towards her, a feeling within his soul invoking the want, no, the need to just wrap his arms around her and hold on forever; to try to set right all the wrongs he had committed. : I stand corrected. If this is Kagato, then I'm Tenchi. She murmured softly in her restless state of slumber, turning her head and allowing his eyes to grace upon her beautiful yet utterly childish face. : So Kags here-- : *ahem* : --I mean, not Kags, is a pedo? Is this supposed to be touching? A guise, he knew that from the many times he had seen her true form. : Which true form? : The true form she never shows, I would guess. : Oh, that true form. Yet still, that face brought a slight shimmer of the physical sensation to his hands that he had lost so long ago. : So, the author tells us that non-Kagato is feeling sensation in his hands, and then tells us that his hands don't exist? : It's like he's rubbing our faces in it, isn't it? The soft supple feeling of her face, which his hands had oft come upon during the days before... : ...he got arrested and the restraining order was placed upon him. <> : Then drink some goddamned coffee and stop singing about it! How he had missed her, for nearly five thousand years he had longed to be with her. : Yeah, I guess this isn't Kagato. Unless Kagato has some sort of deep inner love for Washu that I missed in his being a callous villain. : I don't. : Stop appearing behind me! : I'm not. I've been sitting here the whole time. It was five thousand years of torture and insanity for him, a mental variation upon the horrors of Hell itself. : In other words, this fic. During which he had oh so longed to gaze upon her with his own eyes, not from behind the windows of madness that they were at the time. He ached just to hold her; his eyes not able to leave her or even blink. : I fear that would cause my corneas to dry out and permanently scar my vision. I already have to wear glasses. : Hey, you made a joke! : Perhaps you should turn around before I annihilate this joke of a ship. : I'll have you know that this is the height of Canadian technology, made by the best French thinkers...oh, I see your point. Feet carried him towards destiny; ever so slowly to her, towards the object of his undying affection. : Speaking of "ever so slowly", GET TO THE POINT! His beginning and end, the only reason that he had ever decided to return. : Hmph. My beginning and end, my reason, is a being? I think not. : But you could get some pussy. : Animal. She mumbled cutely in her sleep, causing him to actually smile; : Kagato...smiling? (All except Kagato burst out laughing.) the change apparent and rather odd when coupled with his yet still longing eyes. Finally he came upon her, standing overhead and just watching her with soft eyes; for he would not dare yet move beyond that point. : Yeah, because there are laws against that sort of stuff. <> : "I kiss your eyes"? Who wrote this song, some sort of ommetaphile? He finally dared to move once more after what seemed like an eternity of just staring at her : It's an eternity to us, too. while she breathed softly, bending down and wrapping his arms gently about her. He could feel the warmth of her as he pressed his body lovingly against her back, careful not to wake her and break this precious moment. : Because as we all know, the most precious moments are the ones your lover can't remember! He was so close, close enough to feel the slow and soft beating of her heart. : Washu doesn't seem very alert. If it had been this easy to capture her, I probably would have had Tsunami unit long ago. Piercing crimson eyes set upon her and watched her once again move about slightly in her sleep. : Crimson eyes? Wow, Kags, that's one bad case of pinkeye you've got there. : I do not have pinkeye, and do not call me Kags. His eyes closed for but yet a moment, a soft sigh escaping lips as the beautiful thought of being with her forever exactly like this intruded into his mind. : That is not the reason I put her in stasis for five thousand years, so do not ask. As pleasant as the dream seemed, he managed to force his eyes open and let them befall upon the reality; which was far richer than any dream. : Don't you love it when somebody tries to use a semicolon to try to act smart and ends up looking like a dumbass? : Yes, that is one of the little pleasures in life. Like fluffy kittens. : Did you just say fluffy kittens? : It depends. Did you just ask me to end your miserable existence? His eyes widened slightly as she began to mumble something yet again, curiosity urging him to draw closer to hear what it was. : Get the hell away from me...pedo... Sensitive ears faintly picked up her low whispered statement, soft and filled with angst, "Kagato... Why? Why did you... leave me. You promised that... you would never leave me like... like Mikamo did..." : I made no such promise. : Aw, you don't have to hide it from us. You old softy. : I am most certainly not a softy. Now turn around. Kagato's pale and formerly serene face filled with pain, as if taking in the terrifying reality of exactly what he done. : I have apparently broken a promise I never made to a woman I never loved about a relationship we never had. And this is terrifying becuase...? <> : Gee, I didn't really know that that last line was so exciting it deserved *three* exclamation points. That's really exciting!!!! But not as exciting as that last line, there. Kagato gripped at her tighter; knowing that by doing such there was a clear risk of waking her up, but he just couldn't bring himself to care at the moment. : She's probably in a coma, seeing as how she hasn't waken up after all the other stuff that's been happening. A fierce emotional battle began to wage deep inside of him, blaming himself for all that had happened. : What character is this, again? : I have no idea. Apparently neither does the author. Narrow set eyes turned almost emotionless as his gaze continued down upon her, an incredible mind bringing forth thoughts of the past. : Like the time I lost my virginity. : That was a joke, right? : Whatever. A barrage of images flying by at high speeds as if upon a metaphorical whirlwind, : Something finally moves fast in this fic. stopping finally upon a certain scene thousands of years ago. Washu stood there trembling with tears emerging from the pores of her eyes, gazing upward into his own eyes with those deep emerald orbs. : Pores on her eyes? She should probably get that checked. : Perhaps she had to reroute the liquid from her tear ducts. She turned her head to the side and let her gaze come to rest upon the floor as if she was pained to look upon him, a small teardrop rolled down her right cheek and fell onto the floor only to burst into a thousand tiny droplets. : I don't see any garbage laying around, Miss "Lone Indian". She drew herself up as best she could, arcing her head back towards Kagato just as those tears began to flow down her beautiful face in rapid succession. : How can you write about things happening quickly so damned slowly? In but an instant she transformed into her true self, no longer gazing upwards towards him but right into those eyes, face to face with him. The first step forward came hesitantly, but then turned to a wavering pace as if she was about to collapse; : She probably shouldn't have given blood right before, then. by the time she had finally reached him she had already begun to speak with an uneasy voice, "Kagato... Yes... I do love you, but... Every time I look at you, I see Naja instead! And... it pains me..." : Naja? : Actually, it's spelled Najya. She's my mother. : Oh, oka--hold on, did you say mother? : Yes. : What the hell? Did this author decide to read through a book of Freudian psychology before writing this? <> : In case you missed it the first five times: Yeah! Washu fell onto him, her body being pressed up against his as she buried her face into his right shoulder. : I hope she used a trowel. Kagato felt her tears soak into the fabric of his garments, his eyes soft as he watched her cry. Arms moved upward, wrapping around and pulling her closer against him. Her chin raised to reveal a tear-stained face, looking at him with questioning eyes. : Actually, the question would be, "Why am I so attached to you when our relationship has always been a professional one?" He grinned softly at her and actually snickered slightly, something which seemed wholly inappropriate at the time. : For Kags, that's inappropriate at any time. : I warned you... : Bah, lighten up Kags! Misato, give my friend over here a beer! : Uh, what do you mean? I don't smuggle beer into the theater. : My ass. Empty that jacket. : Fine. (tosses Kagato a beer) : Domestic. How...cheap. Kagato then allowed words to grace upon his tongue, the tone mischievous in nature, "Well then my dear Washu-chan, perhaps I might be allowed to blindfold these magnificent eyes that I behold so that you don't have to see such illusions. You need not look upon the face of true love to know that it exists, simply give yourself to it." : That sounds like Shakespeare. : What, how? : It was long, boring prose that used stupid analogies and a crappy train of thought. Washu could only stare into his utterly feral yet strangely beautiful eyes and actually smile at his altogether witty comment. : Oh yeah. Shakespeare thought he was witty, too. But before she could say anything in response she found herself drawn into a luscious kiss. : This isn't going to become hot, passionate, anal sex, is it? : How crude. : You probably do it missionary every time. You have no imagination. : It's better than doing the one-handed exercises you have to use, Duo. She could feel him leaning into her as his lips pressed lovingly against her own, as smooth as silk. Kagato's arms held her tighter, as if she could slip away from his grasp if he dared to loosen it; : I know I would. his tongue skillfully parted lips and delved deep into the warmth of her mouth. Their tongues intertwined in a marvelous dance as his right hand finally pulled away and made its way upward, grasping lightly at the back of her head, supporting it. The two kissed for what seemed like an eternity before the memory simply faded away, back into the reality that had originally spawned it. : Did you have to use all of those goddamned words just to tell us THEY MADE OUT!? <> : Uh, you're repeating yourself. He resisted the urge to close his eyes, or to shed any tears. So engaged in a hard fought battle against them as he gazed upon her with sorrow-filled eyes, wishing that he could undo everything that had already been done, all the pain that he had caused. : That's funny. If I ever laughed, I would have just now. Kagato's mind tried to wander back through the near eternity of his life to the day when he had finally given up and been overtaken by insanity; : Thursday. so consumed with the utter rage of the fact that he couldn't feel her or hold his dear maiden in his arms because the body he possessed wasn't even corporeal anymore. : Yeah. You were driven mad by love, weren't you, Kags? : No. Stop calling me that. But he pushed back at it, not wanting to even try to dwell on such sore subjects. : Speaking of sore subjects-- : The word anal comes out of your mouth, I shut it permanently. : You're no fun. He only allowed himself to live with this moment, to hold her and comfort her, if only briefly. Washu squirmed slightly in his arms, muttering that accursed painful question yet again, "Why Kagato?" : Because I don't like you. <> : I woul have loved to miss this "thing". Kagato breathed an almost silent sigh of distaste towards that question, since it struck at his heart so. : Uh, unless I'm mistaken, you just said Kagato was incorporeal. Which is wrong, but still, doesn't that mean he wouldn't have a heart? He felt the urge to answer her, even if it meant risking revealing himself onto her. : Woo, one typo there and we would have a fecal fetish fic. : Huh? How? : "He felt the urge to answer her, even if it meant risking relieving himself onto her." : I hate you. He leaned forward slowly, whispering soft words of repentance into her ears, "I'm sorry... I didn't ever mean to hurt you... I don't know if saying this can even atone for my sins, but... : ...I don't care about atoning for any of my so-called "sins". I'll never leave you alone again, even if I have to just be content to watch you from the shadows and protect you. I love you..." : And we have a winner for "Best Comedic Fic"! He allowed himself to breath softly as he closed his eyes and lowered his head, placing the forehead ever so gently upon her left shoulder. Kagato lifted his head slowly as he felt the shoulder twitch, revealing two bright emerald eyes are to him, his body tensing slightly as if to prepare for whatever oncoming reaction he will have to face. : Pic a DAMN TENSE! : I like you, boy. Perhaps you should come with me and we can rule the galaxy together. : Sorry, I tried the evil villain thing. It just didn't work out. Washu's face seemed mature, since she had already haven taken on her adult form by reflex, and her lips were quivering as she searched those eyes of his. : By reflex? I thought it required a lot of emotional thought and introspection. Oh well, screw the series, I guess. She allows her own eyes to study them, seeking something lost long ago and almost forgotten, buried under the sands of time. The answer she was searching for is found as his gaze upon her softens, mirroring the feelings of pure love towards her instead of the evil that had plagued them before. : The characterization in this fic is on the verge of rupturing my placid demeanor. <> : WE UNDERSTAND ALREADY! YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS ANYTHING! Washu's lips tremble harder as she tilts her head back slightly and comes face to face with him, loosing herself in the infinite unearthly beauty of those eyes. : My eyes are cold and calculating, not "unearthly beautiful". I practice that every morning in front of the mirror. Her voice is feeble and scared, so afraid that this is just some sort of dream or that the man before her is still enveloped in the darkness, "I... I knew you'd never leave me..." He smiles softly as a small tear forms in his right eye, dropping onto her cheek and splattering across warm skin. : Ha ha ha ha! This is hilarious! (falls over laughing) : Holy shit. Is what I think is happening behind me happening behind me? : I'm afraid to look. His face is brought closer to her own, breathing hot air across her face, "I'll never leave you again... I love you..." The two consummate their reunion with a passionate kiss; : Boy, what a wussy consummation. It should be hot lesbian sex. : But I'm a man. : Bah, whatever. Washu's arms reaching backwards and linking themselves round the back of his neck. She pulls him even more into the kiss just as he begins to deepen it, holding her tighter than he has ever before. : Crushing her spine. They continue to kiss each other as the darkness of the lab consumes them, holding them in its tender grasp. The scientist is no longer lonely, wrapped forevermore within the arms of her lover... : Idiot. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Ooh, is this a coupon? : No, it's boring. Let's leave, and the readers can decide if they want to slog throught it or not. Notes: The two characters mentioned, Mikamo and Naja, are not characters created by me. They are from the Shin Tenchi Muyo Novel, which was written by Kajishima-san himself and basically showed many events from the past, including Washu's days at the Academy on Todain. Mikamo is the actual name of Washu's lost husband and Naja is her best friend and... Get this... Kagato's mother! She had created a clone of herself, Kagato, and it is assumed she did this because she was lonely and wanted a family, a son to be percise. Not long after Kagato's birth she apparantly died on a Jurain planet when the excavation site she was working on was attacked by pirates, however the body was never found so it was never confirmed. I suggest you go looking around the net, because there is a site that actually has the novel fully translated along with beautiful pictures drawn by Masaki. There are even some pictures of Naja around the net in various places. If you want to know the address to any of these things, feel free to email me. Feel free to send comments and criticisms to my email address at XellosMetallium@hotmail.com. Flames will be promptly ignored and put out with a fire extinguisher. Ja ne! : Jane? Who's Jane? Where is everybody? Hey! __________________________________________________________________________ "Um...so, what brings you to this part of space?" Ken asked to break the silence that had been hovering over the lounge for several minutes. The crew was all sitting together on one of the two couches, while Kagato sat silent on the other one, twiddling his thumbs. "Funny you should ask, actually. I am on a mission to rule the universe with an iron fist," Kagato quickly replied. "Oh." Silence descended upon the lounge for a while longer. "An iron fist, you say?" Cyrus ventured. "Yes. I shall find the secret of Tsunami Unit and use the power to rule everything in the universe." "Huh. Sounds interesting." "Yep." More awkward silence. "So, you haven't been killed?" asked Duo. "Not to my knowledge." "Um, Ken, can I talk to you for a second?" "Sure." Cyrus pulled Ken to the side. "Look, have you noticed any time-space continuum anomalies recently?" "Why are you asking me?" "Because you're the science officer!" "You just made up that position for the Star Trek parody at the beginning of the MST!" "Damn, that's right..." Cyrus stroked his beard thoughtfully as he tried to think. "Send Wormon over here, would you?" Ken walked back into the lounge and soon Wormon hopped around the corner to where Cyrus was. "What's up?" he asked. "Yeah, have you noticed anything weird while we were in the theater?" "Um, well, not so much...um, maybe..." "What? What is it? TELL ME!" Cyrus grabbed Wormon and picked him up. "Um, well...the ship kind of flew into a black hole." Cyrus dropped Wormon. "A...black...hole? Into it? You're kidding me." "Well, I couldn't be sure. It might have been one. It was pretty big, and black, and we did get sucked into it." "YOU DIDN'T FIND THIS WORTH MENTIONING?" "Well, you know, you were in the middle of a fic. I couldn't really stop it, anway," Wormon mumbled, staring at the ground. "You would have let us die, completely oblivious to our fates?" Cyrus asked, livid. "Well, everything turned out well, didn't it?" Wormon asked defensively. "Yes, but if you had told us we were all going to die, I might have gotten some panic sex!" Cyrus yelled. "What was that?" asked Kiyone from the lounge. "Oh, nothing," said Cyrus as he walked back into the lounge. "So, Kiyone here was just telling me that I would be killed by this 'Tenchi' fellow right at the point where I gained almost infinite power by assimilating Tsunami Unit," Kagato said to the returning Cyrus. "Huh, did she? Um, Kagato, could you leave for a few minutes? I need to discuss something with my crew." "Of course. No problem." Kagato walked out. As soon as he was gone, Cyrus sat down and began talking to his crew. "Alright, we went through a black hole. Our expert pilot here," he gestured towards Wormon, "decided it wasn't worth mentioning." "So, are we dead?" asked Duo. "No, I think we traveled backwards in time. And now we can't tell Kagato how he's going to die, because he might avoid it. And then the future will be changed." "Nope, we didn't," said Ken. "What? How do you know? Did Wormon tell you what happened?" asked Cyrus. "No, it's just that the principle of travel through time has been pretty well debunked thanks to late advancements in Quantum Theory. However, it is entirely possible that we have been transported into an alternate dimension." "That would make sense," said Cyrus, "seeing as how Kagato didn't exist in my universe." "So, um, what should we do?" asked Kiyone. "I SAID A NAAAA NA NA NA NAAAA NA NA NA NAA NA NA NAAA NA NA NAA NA NA NA NAAAAAAA!" blared the intercom. "It looks like we'd better start MSTing again," said Misato. "That's the worst version of Land of 1000 Dances I've ever heard. Is Wormon singing it?" asked Duo. "Yeah. Now quickly, into the theater!" __________________________________________________________________________ Disclaimer: I do not own any Tenchi Muyo characters. 'Nuff said. : Of course! That's more than enough! Legal documents are long and intricate just for show, anyway. **Chapter One** It was an ordinary day in the Masaki house. As usual, Ayeka and Ryoko were fighting, Sasami was cooking, Mihoshi was getting yelled at by Kiyone, and Tenchi was screaming. As normal as it gets, the day went by slowly. : I doubt it can go any slower than that fic we just MSTed. As always, Washu was in her lab creating some scary invention that no one wants to be a part of. But this time, it's different. : Why? Why, you ask? : Yes, dumbass, didn't you just hear me? Because Sasami is part of it and Kagato knows it. : This isn't "Washu's Erotic Torture Chamber", is it? : Hell no. I'm not that sick, nor am I that twisted. Back in his lair, Kagato is up to no good, concockting another one of his evil schemes. : Heh, "concockting". Is it a scheme about blowjobs? : You are so lucky I'm in a good mood, Duo. And he's thinking, "Oh, I'm so BIG and SMART." : Actually, I'm thinking that I am a fool for watching this nonsense. But, what he doesn't know, is Tokimi is right behind him. : Wha? (They all turn around) : What? What are you looking at? : Well I'll be damned... Disclaimer: I don't own any Tenchi Muyo! characters. Have I said this already? : Huh? Is this another chapter already? : Yup. I get the odd feeling that this guy lives his life by the phrase "'nuff said". A/N: Thank you to all the people that wrote nice reviews. : People wrote nice reviews? How could you review that? : I don't know...maybe say something like "I love how I didn't have to think too much. And you cut out all of those unnecessary words, too. Reading hurts my brain even more than arithmetic." Anyway, those of you who didn't, well that's too bad for you, because I think my story's pretty cool, but I'm not done yet. : I would hope not. Your previous fic was shorter than Duo's dick. : Hey, I resent that! : Good one Misato! That deserves a hug! (Hugs Misato.) : Uh...thanks, Kiyone. **Kagato's Revenge** Chapter Two : For a summary of the events in chapter one...just read chapter one. Anyway, getting back to the Masaki house, Washu is working on that wierd invention again. : Oh. That. Yeah, I remember that from the previous chapter, all of twelve seconds ago. In the meantime, Ayeka and Ryoko were fighting again. And of course, it was over Tenchi. : How clichéd. Meanwhile, back at Kagato's lair, he was still working on that evil scheme of his. And this is what it was. : HOLY SHIT! EXPOSITION! EVERYBODY, BRACE YOURSELVES! Kagato was planning to use Tsunami's power to energize the Juraian Crystal. : What the fuck is the Juraian Crystal? I suppose you're wondering what the Juraian Crystal is. : Yeah I am, you deaf asshole. Mwahahahahahaha! Actually, it's a crystal that can energize any source of power in the universe. : Nothing outlasts a Juraian. You can't top the crystal top. Tokimi was planning the same thing. To put it simply, they're both crazy. : I am hardly crazy. : Neither am I. : Yeah. And neither am I. Now back to the Masaki house (I sorry, I know that I am skipping around a lot, I'll try to stop). : Too late now. Washu is still trying to work on that so called machine that is going to prevent Sasami from getting any older until Kagato and Tokimi are stopped. : Ummm...where was Sasami at all in their plan? : Oh, she's probably in there somewhere. I always make sure to include Sasami in all of my evil schemes. It never hurts to take her into account. Boy, is she smart? : No, she's a stupid greatest scientific genius in the universe. A/N: Hope you liked Chapter Two. I'm trying my best to please the interested readers : What about us? Disclaimer: I don't own any Tenchi Muyo! characters. Have I said this already? : Yes, and if you say it again, I will kill Duo. : Hey! : Oh, be quiet. Let the man have a little fun. : But, but, but... A/N: Thank you to all the people that wrote nice reviews. Anyway, those of you who didn't, well that's too bad for you, because I think my story's pretty cool, but I'm not done yet. : Woah, it's déjà vu all over again! : That means they have changed something in the matrix. We must escape. **Kagato's Revenge** Chapter Three : Previously, in chapter two...um, what did happen in chapter two? : I don't believe I recall. As you all know, Mihoshi is a very big crybaby. And Kiyone likes to boss people around. : Ooh, stereotypes! : For all of those times you just don't want interesting characters... But in the midst of the argument they overheard Washu talking about Sasami's problem. So Kiyone grabbed Mihoshi and dragged her into the spaceship Ugami and said, "Mihoshi, did you hear that? We gotta help Sasami!" : Uh, we didn't hear it...maybe Washu could speak up for those of us in the back? "I know, Kiyone!" "Then what are we waiting for?" : Well, given how long this chapter is so far, I'm waiting for the end right about now. "But . . . but, Kiyone! I need to go to the bathroom!" "Ugh, Mihoshi, I thought you just went!" : In your pants! : Dammit, Maxwell...hey, how did you do such a good impression of me? : That's nothing. You should see his stand-up act about you. "But, Kiyone, I just had some soda!" "There's no time!" : Uh, seeing as how you guys are trying to solve a problem that you overheard Washu alluding to in a conversation we have yet to be privy to, I don't really think that this should top your list of emergencies all of a sudden. "But I really need to go! Waaaaaaaaah!!" "Oh alright. Then we'll go to Kagato's lair and fix this." : What, does Kagato's lair have good bathroom facilities? : Bah, the bathrooms are all in the back and dirty. They will not fix anything. And one of the urinals is clogged. "Should I bring him a fruitcake, Kiyone?" "Why would you want to do that?" "Well, I always heard that it was a friendly gesture." : Yeah, well I got another friendly gesture for you right here. : Duo, anything that points at the screen, I break. "We don't want to be friendly, Mihoshi, we want to arrest him! And I thought you had to go to the bathroom!" "Well, I did, but I just realized I don't." : God, this characterization of Mihoshi is even more annoying than her actual personality. "OK, then, c'mon, let's go!" And they flew towards Kagato's lair. : What, did they just raise their arms above their heads and fly off like Superman? : No, it mentioned that they're on the "Ugami". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Getting back to Kagato. He was up to no good planning a new way to get to Sasami. : I still don't understand what Sasami has to do with his inane scheme to rule the universe, or whatever it is he wants to do. : I told you before. "The Sasami Factor" is often overlooked in many plans, and ultimately leads to failure. It has been extensively researched. Then he heard a knock at the door. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!! : For those of you who don't know what a knock sounds like. "Is anyone gonna get the door?!" Kagato yelled. "Oh yeah! I'm the only one here. He he he." Kagato opened the door. "Oh. Hi Tokimi." He said. : Yes, that would definitely be my reaction upon meeting a beautiful, extra-dimensional being with great power. : You think I'm beautiful? : Are you still here? "Just because I'm your ex-wife doesn't mean you have to be rude, Kagato," Tokimi replied. : Ooh, the plot thickens! : It sounds like a Soap Opera. "Kagato: The Revenge". To be continued . . . : Is this the real Kagato, or his evil twin? And will Tokimi's marriage to D3 be derailed by a jealous lover? Find out next time, on "Kagato: The Revenge". Disclaimer: I don't own any Tenchi Muyo! characters. Have I said this already? : Oh, looks like it's time to die, Maxwell. : Bah, some other time. A/N: Thank you to all the people that wrote nice reviews. Anyway, those of you who didn't, well that's too bad for you, because I think my story's pretty cool, but I'm not done yet. : Blah blah blah. We know the drill. **Kagato's Revenge** Chapter Four : Or, in most fics, "Chapter Two". : If even that. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= "But Tokimi, the only reason I left you was because I saw you with another guy," Kagato said. : Ooh, catfight. "The only reason I was with that other guy was because YOU were with that other girl!" Tokimi explained. "Well, which one?" : Heh, Kags is a manslut. "Oh you know which one!" "Oh yeah, Ayeka!" : She was the one with the best rack, right? "Duh, you knumbskull." "But, you don't understand! I-I just captured her, that's all." : Oh, bondage. Kinky. "Oh. And I suppose you just captured Ryoko, too!" "Well, I'd sure like to think so . . ." : I captured her all the way into my bed. "Well, alright." "Soooooo . . . want a drink?" : Scotch, on the rocks. Leave me the bottle. "No, actually I came to ruin your plan." "But . . . Muffin . . ." "Well, Cupcake, I despise you." : I suppose nothing beats pastry for terms of endearment. Just then, Mihoshi and Kiyone blast through the door. Kiyone said: "Hands up! Anything you say can and WILL be used against you!" : I don't read them their rights until I capture them. Dumbass. Mihoshi said: "Do you have a bathroom?" Kagato and Tokimi completly ignored them. : They were too busy making out. "I really need to use the bathroom!" Mihoshi complained. "Not now!" Kagato said. : I'm trying to score! "Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase?" "NO! Not now!" : I'm all the way to second base with her! : Heh, good one, Kags. (Turns around.) Holy shit! That wasn't a joke! : Is Kagato about to have vigorous, unprotected sex in the back row of my theater? : I think so, let's see...ooh, the bra's off. : Turn around right now, Duo, before I decide to destroy you as was previously agreed on. "Never mind. I don't need to use the bathroom anymore." "MIHOSHI!! You had better not done what I think you did!" Kiyone said. : What? Wasn't there a bathroom on the Yagami? : YES! YEEEESSSSS! : I thought so. See, that doesn't make any sense at all. Sure enough, Mihoshi is standing in a puddle on Kagato's nice, clean carpet. : There'd better not be any puddles on the carpet in here when we leave. : Kagato has carpeting? Is his lair a suburban 2 bedroom 1 bath house in Buttfuck, Ohio? "Is it just me, or are galaxy policemen supposed to be potty-trained?" Tokimi asked. : No, that's only in the advanced training. "Yes, but in Mihoshi's case, no," Kiyone answered. "But never mind that, you're under arrest anyway, so shut up." "Get out of here, you're ruining my day with Muffin," Kagato whined. : You haven't ruined our Kagato's day. : YES, BITCH! SAY MY NAME! : KAGATO! KAGATO! : Geez, could they keep it down back there? "MUFFIN?!" Kiyone and Mihoshi said in unisin. "Excuse me MR. Kagato-Man-Sir," Mihoshi said. "Yes, what is it?" "Well, why are you calling Tokimi 'muffin'?" : Because you're a dirty girl, aren't you, bitch? : Yes I am! Yes I am! "WHY DO YOU THINK, YOU DIMWITTED LITTLE GIRL?!" "Sorry, Mr. Kagato-Man-Sir, I didn't know," Mihoshi said, beginning to cry. Then Tenchi, Ryoko, and Ayeka storm in, ready to fight. Ayeka, noticing the gruesome puddle under Mihoshi's feet, screams. Kagato grabs Ryoko, and says: "Yes! I've done it!" : YES! YESSSSSS I HAAAAVE! OH GOD! Tokimi turns to Kagato and says: "I knew it! I knew you liked her all along! And that is why I don't ever want to see you again or call you 'cupcake'!!" At these last words, Tokimi shuddered. : Oh god. (Shudders) That was good. "What?! Me and him?! That's the worst thing you've said all day!" Ryoko said. : Now that they're done, we can go back to the MSTing. And the Oedipal complex that seems to show up so often in these fics. "Alright, alright! Just let Ryoko go and let us get out of here!" Tenchi pleaded. Then Ayeka, using her cleverness, climbs up to Kagato's machine, and pointed it at Kagato and Tokimi. : Not the, um, machine! In a smoke of dust, two little kids come out, yelling and yapping at each other. So as they're arguing, Tenchi, Ryoko, Ayeka, Mihoshi, Kiyone, and Ryo-Ohki sneak back home and start a new dayof arguing and confusion. : Was it really necessary for them to sneak away from two little kids? Oh well. =-=THE=-=END=-= : Okay, let's go. Kagato, are you coming? : No, I have to rest first. Oh, wait, you meant leaving. Ah, just a second...damn these pants are tricky... __________________________________________________________________________ Kagato had just scored. So, in the grand tradition, the guys were all asking him questions. "So, how was it?" asked Duo. "Good." replied Kagato. "Good? Is that it?" "Yes." "So, what happened?" asked Duo. "We had sex. What do you think happened?" "Um, we want details," explained Cyrus. "Why? Are you virginal losers who must vicariously have sex through me?" "We're not gay!" said Duo. "That's not what he meant, Duo." Cyrus turned to Kagato. "Um, no. We all have lots of sex. All the time. We were just curious what it's like to have sex with a goddess." "What ship are you on?" Duo asked. "Shut UP!" "Oh. I see." Kagato straightened his pince-nez and thought for a moment. "It was quite enjoyable." Cyrus muttered. "Alright...let's go through this one more time..." Meanwhile, the females were also discussing the recent sex with the other party involved. "So, was it good?" asked Kiyone. "It sounded like it went by really fast." "No, everything was quite pleasant." "Could you describe it?" asked Misato. "What sort of undersexed losers are the people on this ship?" "What? What do you mean?" said Kiyone. "Well, the guys are also asking Kagato about the details of our sex. Could you just do us a favor and have some sex among yourselves and stop pestering Kagato and me?" "Well, I guess. You don't have to be so insulting," said Kiyone. "Dammit, just go back to the theater." "Well...okay." Kiyone and Misato walked off, dejected. "Did you manage to get the other losers out of the way, honey?" Tokimi asked. "Yes, I certainly did," answered Kagato as he stepped out from behind the curtains of the room Tokimi was in. "Excellent." (Cue the porn guitar) Meanwhile, from underneath the bed, a small green creature watched the proceedings. "Coming on to this ship was the best thing I ever did." __________________________________________________________________________ : Geez, you guys were here early. : We could say the same thing about you two. : I suppose we should just start the fic early to get it over with. : Might as well. The return of Kagato : ...or, "Kagato Returns"! Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters that appeared on any of the Tenchi series or movie, or any other shows, I'm just using them for this story. The only character I do own is my own. Summary: Kagato makes his return and is still after Tenchi's power. : He was after Tenchi's power in the first place? (looks at Kagato) : Bah, if I spend all day correcting these fools' misconceptions about my motives, this will never end. But when somebody who may be even MORE powerful than either of them shows up, madness, chaos, and pure insanity ensues. Please read and review. : Wow. That was a short fic. It was a late night at the Masaki household and everybody was asleep. Well, almost everybody. Poor Sasami was lying awake in bed, unable to fall asleep, for the past hour or so, Sasami had been lying awake in bed, and trembling. "Oh why can't I get to sleep, what's wrong with me," Sasami thought. : Through the author's subtle hinting, I have deduced that Sasami is having trouble getting to sleep. Suddenly Sasami felt sick, she got up and tiptoed down the hall to the bathroom and shut the door behind her. She turned on the light and looked at herself in the mirror. Sasami's reflection was pale; her eyes were a little lighter than usual too. : ARGH! It's the night of the kawaii living dead! And her whole body was shaking uncontrollably. "Oh no, am I sick? I can't afford to be sick I've got too much work to do," Sasami said to herself. Then, a thought came to Sasami. "Washu, maybe she can help me," Sasami said to herself, she shut off the lights and walked downstairs, making sure to be as quiet as possible. : Don't want to wake anyone up and bother them with my deathly illness. Then they might stop me from working! In the laboratory, Washu was working diligently at her holotop, working on yet another experiment of hers. "Whew, I thought finding out the truth of a fast food restaurant's secret sauce would be easy, but this is more difficult than I expected," Washu said to herself and continued to work hard, and then there was a knock at the lab door. : Idiot. Washu and I cracked that years ago. It's old mayonnaise. "I'm busy, come back tomorrow," Washu replied. "Washu, please, can't I come in, I don't feel too well," came Sasami's voice from the other side of the door. : No! I said stay away, dammit! "Huh, okay Sasami come in," Washu told her and saved the data that she had deciphered, this was more important than find out the secret sauce's secret, Sasami was her friend. Sasami opened the lab door and stumbled in, she almost fell on the floor. : I am soooooooo drunk. "Easy Sasami, don't worry, I'll try and find out what's wrong with you," Washu reassured her, she picked Sasami up and carried her over to a lab table and laid her down on it. : No lemon scene. No lemon scene. No lemon scene. No lemon scene. No lemon scene. "Allright Sasami, I'll run some tests and see just what's wrong with you," Washu reassured her and walked over to her console. "Now hold still Sasami, this won't hurt," she added and began to type in several commands. : Let's see...go to "file"..."test settings"..."hurt"... "extremely painful"... Suddenly, a bright red and thin light appeared over Sasami, it started at the bottom of her feet and slowly moved up to the top of her head and slowly went back down to feet and repeated this several times. : Um, last I checked, supermarket scanners weren't medical equipment. Washu carefully read over the data that was begin displayed on her computer and soon came to a conclusion. : My equipment is broken. "Oh my," Washu said in a concerned tone. Sasami became very nervous when she heard this. "W-w-what is it Washu? Am I sick," Sasami asked nervously. Washu turned her chair around and walked over to Sasami. "You're fine Sasami, you're just growing that's all. Go back to bed and you'll be fine," Washu reassured her. : Yes! Lie to the little girl! Now kick a sick puppy! And watch a kitten die! Sasami was glad to hear this, but something was still bothering her. "Washu, could I please stay here for tonight? I can't sleep and I'd feel better if I was here with you then I'd have someone to talk to," Sasami told her. "Well, okay Sasami, for tonight, but only if you behave so I can get my work done," Washu told her. : Yeah, here's a chew toy to keep you occupied. "I'll be good, I just hope I can sleep," Sasami told her. "I'd mix you up a sedative Sasami but I don't like to give out drugs unless it's absolutely necessary," Washu told her as she typed something on her holotop, and on the lab floor appeared a single mattress, a pillow, a sheet, and a comforter incase she got chilly. : I can't help but think that Washu is not only very qualified to prescribe drugs, but she isn't very hesitant, either. : You should have seen the stuff she whipped up in the basement of our dorm at the Academy. Man, I have never been that wasted in my life! : What? : Um, I mean, "Winners Don't Do Drugs". "Thanks Washu," Sasami said and hugged her. "It's no problem Sasami, now remember, you said you'd be good," Washu reminded her. "I'll try my best Washu," Sasami told her before crawling into the bed and pulling the sheet over herself. : It's not called a sheet. It's called a "death shroud". Washu worked for hours, trying to figure of the secret of the secret sauce, Sasami had fallen asleep a while ago, the poor girl couldn't stay awake any longer. "Poor Sasami, she's a sweet kid," Washu thought and continued to work diligently. : Then maybe you should help her, instead of doing that secret sauce thing, or whatever. And then, success. "Yes, finally, the secret to the secret sauce is..." but before Washu could say anything, her computer screen went blank. "What, oh how could this be," Washu asked no one in particular. : Darn. She'll never find the secret to old mayonnaise, now. "My dear Washu, still the same old klutz," came a man's voice from inside the lab. Washu turned around and saw a tall man with long, ash white hair and a pair of very small glasses on his nose. : It's called a pince-nez. Pronounced "pants-nay". : As in "no pants"? : Well, I suppose-- : Heh, Kagato's not wearing pants! "*Gasps* Kagato," Washu said in surprise. (Author's Note: Allright, I'm sorry but I have no idea what the OAV Tenchi series is but the Kagato I'm using for this story is the one who had the ship called Souja, if that's how you spell it. He's also the same Kagato who had Washu imprisoned, hope this clears things up). : Suddenly, everything becomes frighteningly clear. : I like stuff like this. It's like cutting into the middle of Schindler's List with Spielberg saying, "Um, I'm not really sure what the holocaust was, but I think it was caused by that Hitler guy who ran Auschwitz, if that's how you spell it. He had the funny mustache. Hope that clears things up." "Yes Washu, I'm back. And guess who I've got," Kagato said and held up a crystaline object, containing what appeared to be Sasami, only miniaturized. : It's the Sasami SD action figure! Isn't it kawaii! "Why you monster, let her go!" "No, I think not, she's my bargaining chip, Tenchi will be more than willing to give his power to me to get her back," Kagato told her. : One minor flaw in my reasoning here. I never wanted Tenchi's power. Other than that, I'm portrayed flawlessly. : You know who would make a good Kagato? : No, who? : I dunno. I was hoping we could find someone to replace the Kags in the fic. : I told you not to call me "Kags". Washu was really mad when she heard this, she took a fighting stance and began to holler, power surged from her body, her hair glowed bright blond and went gravity defying, even more than usual. "We'll see about that," she replied and flew at Kagato and landed a punch to his jaw and knocked him back. : Please tell me that Washu did not just become a Saiyan. : Nevermind, the crystal clarity is suddenly coming into razor-sharp focus now. "That's just one trick I have up my sleeve Kagato. I've used the DNA of an extinct race known as the Saiyans on myself and this is what happened, I became even stronger. And now I'm going to take you down," Washu yelled and tried to punch him again, but this time Kagato grabbed her fist and started to crush it. : Damn, I'm good. "I'm not stupid Washu, I won't fall for the same trick TWICE," Kagato told her and threw her to the floor and then gave her a swift kick to the ribs, knocking her against a wall and unconscious, making her return back to her former self. : Oh, right, the Washu that isn't from Dragon Ball Z. Her. "Stupid Washu," Kagato said again, but then he could feel a stabbing pain in his foot, he looked down and saw a mechanical object (a Farscape DRD look a like of course). : Which means nothing to us, having not seen Farscape. : No, you have to use your imagination! You know, it could be anything! Like one of those little pairs of chattering teeth! Man, I love those things. "Stupid inventions," he said and crushed it before disappearing into thin air and back to his ship. : Well, I'm glad I made the trip out there to reveal my evil plan. Perhaps next I can leave an obvious back door into my lair. : You have a lair? : I would imagine. It's usually what happens when I return. The next day, everybody was awake and going about their normal routines, Ayeka and Ryoko were watching a soap opera, Ryo-Ohki was munching on her carrots, Tenchi was tending to his chores, and everybody was waiting for breakfast. They all thought that Sasami had gone to the store to get some ingredients. : How? Did she ride a bike? "I wonder what's taking Sasami so long," Ayeka asked. Suddenly the sound of running could be heard in Washu's lab, then the door burst open and Washu ran out, gasping for air. : GOOD GOD! Who let one rip in my lab? "K-K-Kagato, he, he kidnapped Sasami," Washu managed to say. Everybody ran over to her when they heard this. "What! Are you sure about this," Ayeka demanded to know. "I'm sure of it. Sasami came to my lab because she wasn't feeling well and she asked if she could stay with me until she fell asleep. Being to nice gal that I am I told her she could. : However, you decided not to diagnose her frightening, mysterious illness. Pretty much left her for dead. I lost track of the time but after she fell asleep, Kagato appeared in my lab and took Sasami as a hostage so he could get Tenchi's power. I tried to stop him but I just wasn't powerful enough to do it," Washu explained and tried to catch her breath again. Nobody could believe their ears upon hearing this, it was outrageous. : Yeah. We know. We're watching it. "Ooh, Kagato has gone too far, he could've taken one of us, but Sasami's just a child, he had no right to do this," Ryoko said angrily as her outfit became her red and black skin tight outfit and face makeup. "Here, here, I'm going to take Kagato down for good this time," Tenchi said as he and Ayeka's clothes transformed to their Jurian battle suits. : I'm still trying to figure out why Kagato's last fic didn't take. "But wait, before we go gun hoe, how're we going to find Kagato's location," Ayeka asked. : "Gun hoe"? Are they going to shoot a hooker? Nobody answered, this didn't occur to them. "Just before Kagato left I made sure a tracer was planted on him, we can find him easily, and I can input the location into the trans dimensional door so we can go there in an instant," Washu told them. : Good work, Spider-Man. "Well why didn't you tell us this in the first place," Ayeka demanded to know. "Simple, this story wouldn't be so funny if I did," Washu reasoned with them. : Oh, right. Kagato kidnapping Sasami. How riotous. I'm in stitches. "Oh forget it, let's just go there and kill him," Ryoko yelled. "Yes," they all yelled and ran into the laboratory. : Oh, wait, it's a closet. Darn. Meanwhile, on the Souja, Kagato was laughing like a maniac and playing his enormous pipe organ, the ominous music echoing in all of the corridors of the ship. : So, the ship's back to life? : I'm more confused as to why I am laughing maniacally. And near him was Sasami, back to her original size but still stuck in the imprisonment crystal. "Let me go you mean old man! Tenchi will never give you his power to you in exchange for me," Sasami told him. : Yeah, you mean old man! "Ah but you are wrong little Sasami, Tenchi loves you, and so do all the other girls, they all care for you so much. And they'll do anything that they need to do to get you back," Kagato told her. "Warning," the ship's computer sounded, "invasion by five life forms has occurred." "Well, well, well, quicker than I had expected. But how could they've tracked me so easily," Kagato asked himself, "no matter, I have a little challenge in mind for them," he added. : Call me what you wish, but do not call me stupid. Which is what this author is calling me. "Allright everybody, we've been here before, I just hope this place hasn't changed. We'll have to split up we'll cover better ground that way," Washu told them. : You know, really, overexplanation could ruin this fic. If we understood why Kagato had returned, we might understand why the Souja was still around. And then we would be completely insane. All of the sudden, an image of Kagato appeared on one of the walls of the ship. "Well it appears that I have unwelcome guests. No matter, I have a challenge for all of you. If you cannot reach my central chamber within ten minutes, I will kill Sasami," Kagato told them. : Hmmm...wasn't this an episode, of--oh, I don't know-EVERY SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON EVER! "No," Screamed Ayeka. "You bastard," Tenchi cursed and pulled out his sword. "The timer is ticking, only ten minutes," Kagato told them and disappeared. Nobody wanted to waste any time, they all ran off in a different direction as fast as they could, Ryoko and Ryo-Ohki went off in one direction, Tenchi and Ayeka went another, and Washu took another direction. : Absolutely! They should all split up so instead of using their combined force to get through one path quickly, they all go through different paths more slowly. Napoleon would be proud. "Ha, if by some small chance that they do reach us in time, they still won't be able to defeat me. Or save you Sasami," Kagato told his prisoner. : Okay, my objective went from "Take Tenchi's power by using Sasami as a hostage" to "Kill Sasami and fight a group of enraged, powerful people who have beaten me before". I sense a flaw in my reasoning. "You'll never get away with this Kagato, Tenchi and the others are going to give you the beating of a life time," Sasami told him. "Let them try Sasami, they won't have any luck," Kagato told her. Over the next few minutes the group had covered miles of the ship and still nothing. : Miles, huh? Is the ship even miles long? : Maybe they have a hamster wheel set up, or something. Kagato looked at a stopwatch to see how much time they had left before they were too late. : A stopwatch? : A stopwatch? : A stopwatch? : A stopwatch? : A stopwatch? : Oh, this is great! (as Kagato) "I'm Kagato, and this is Sixty Minutes." "Ten seconds left little Sasami. And then, you die," Kagato told her. All of the sudden a large hole was blown in the wall and out from the cloud of dust stepped Washu, in her Super Saiyan form. : Yay! We all remember her Super Saiyan form, don't we? From that episode of Dragon Ball Z that sucked? : Yeah! Episode any number! "My, my, little Ms. Washu. Found a new experiment to work on," Kagato causally asked and turned around in his chair. "I wouldn't be joking if I were you Kagato, you knocked me out and kidnapped Sasami. So now I'm going to teach you a lesson you'll never forget. Fight me," Washu demanded. : Great plan, Washu. It worked so well before. "Fine, I'll have fun dealing with you while I wait for Tenchi," Kagato told him and walked over to her. "Bring it on," Washu told him. In the blink of an eye Kagato and Washu were fighting DBZ style, fist to fist, toe to toe, knee to knee. : Well, he doesn't mince words, does he. Pretty much comes out and admits that it's an episode of Dragon Ball Z with the names changed to those of Tenchi characters. : But with less taunting. : Oh, right. "This time I'm not going to fall for the same trick twice Kagato you bastard," Washu thought to herself as she blocked or dodged every punch. Even though Washu had immense power she still wasn't as powerful as Kagato was, and he was really wearing her down. : This is not Dragon Ball Z at all. She should be winning. Then, I can say, "Ha! I am using half of my power!" and kick her ass. : You're a Dragon Ball Z fan? : Of course. It is like a manual on "How not to be a villain". "Stupid little Washu, you still haven't learned, DO NOT EVER OPPOSE ME!" Kagato backhanded Washu and knocked her against a wall hard, causing an indentation to occur. All of the sudden Kagato could feel a stabbing pain in his side; he looked and saw Ryoko's energy sword sticking out of his side. : Let's see...symptoms include sharp stabbing pains in the side..."being stabbed in the side"! Well I'll be, these home diagnosis books work! "So, you've finally found us eh," Kagato said as he pulled the sword out of his side and tossed it aside, not caring to turn around. : Ooh, a Canadian villain. : I am not Canadian. : What are you, then? : I am not at liberty to say. : Yeah, a Frenchman. That's what I thought. : Hey! "Nice going Washu, you bought us enough time so we could get here and save Sasami," Tenchi told her. "N-no problem," Washu weakly replied. "A touching show of affection, but it won't help you," Kagato told them. "We'll just see about that," Tenchi replied and charged at Kagato, his sword ready for battle. : I'm glad he had it ready for battle. I would have liked to see him charge with it still sheathed, though. For comic effect and all. "Stupid boy," Kagato muttered under his breath, his green energy sword appeared in his hand and he blocked Tenchi's attack. "You don't charge strong or fast enough for your own good," Kagato told him, he was suddenly charged from behind by Washu and was pinned to the wall. "I'll teach you to mess with me Kagato. Take this," Washu told him, her right fist glowed with power and she smashed it into Kagato's back, causing a huge explosion. : No need to worry. In Dragon Ball Z, a smoke cloud means perfect health. "While she keeps Kagato occupied let's free Sasami," Ryoko said to Ayeka. "Right," Ayeka replied and they charged at the crystal structure. : I don't know. Doing that might actually complete their objective. As they tried to touch the crystal they were both electrically shocked. "Oh no! Please Ryoko, Ayeka, get back," Sasami pleaded as the two tried to back off. "Oh, did I forget to warn you. There's a defense barrier around the crystal. If anyone goes near it, well, let's just say the effects can be shocking," Kagato told them and threw Washu against Tenchi, knocking them both backwards. (Duo turns around and punches Kagato in the mouth.) : What was that for? : That shitty villain joke. You damn villains and your shitty puns. : That is not me! It is Freiza or Vegita or somebody wearing an elaborate costume! "Miya, miya, miya," Ryo-Ohki screeched and leapt at Kagato and bit him on the wrist. "Gah, stupid creature," Kagato said and threw her against the defense barrier to the crystal. "Oh no Ryo-Ohki," Sasami yelled and banged on her imprisonment, trying to get out. : I swear, I'm having so many flashbacks to Saturday morning ten years ago. "Now Tenchi, surrender your power or else your friends will suffer even more," Kagato warned. "No Kagato, as long as there's breath in my body I won't give up the fight," Tenchi told him and charged again. "You never learn you foolish boy," Kagato told him and easily dodged Tenchi; he then gave the boy a hard kick in the butt, knocking him against the wall. : Damn right. That boy could use a kick in the ass. "I've grown tired of this game, I think I'll just destroy Sasami first so you can all watch, and then you can be next," he told everyone and walked over to Sasami. "N-no, I won't let you," Ayeka told him and weakly stood up, Kagato backhanded her to the side and continued to walk forward. "Oh no you don't Kagato, here's an attack I haven't shown you," Washu told him and took a battle stance of some sort, her power level raising to an unbelievable point. : So descriptive. "A battle stance of some sort". : Maybe we should MST in that format. You know, "Some kind of joke about the grammar." Like that. "Try this out for size Kagato. KAMEHAMEHA!" Washu put out her hands and out came a huge beam of immense power, hitting Kagato dead on. This stunned everyone; it was hard to believe that Washu had this much power in her little body. : I think this fic would make more sense if we went through and replaced "Washu" with "Goku". Thirty seconds later the attack had faded, Washu had completely drained her energy, making her return to normal. But everybody was shocked to see Kagato still standing there, not even phased by the blast. "You're so pitiful Washu you're not even worth destroying," Kagato told her and continued walking forward. : Of course. What WOULD be the point of finishing off my enemies while I have the chance? As Kagato reached out to touch the crystal, something happened, out of nowhere, somebody appeared and landed a kick to Kagato's jaw and knocked him against the wall, causing an indention to occur in the shape of his form. "Huh, now who did that," Ryoko asked. "I did," a voice replied. Everybody looked and saw something they never expected to see. : A massive cock. : Dammit, that's disgusting! : I meant like a bird! You know! That crows! The person who had done the K.O. to Kagato, was just a boy. The boy looked like he was around sixteen years old, and he had a very unusual hairstyle, like a Super Saiyans, not measuring in his hair he was about 5' 10", he was wearing black boots, black pants, and a grey tank top. : So, anybody from Dragon Ball Z pretty much. But this was no ordinary kid he had lots of muscles, he looked like the definition of muscles, the muscles in his legs, arms, chest area, and shoulders were twice their normal size, his waist wasn't much bigger than a normal sixteen year olds'. : Ha! Fatass! But his skin and hair, was silver in color, his hair had white lightning bolts and his face had them too. By now Kagato had managed to free himself and saw who had decked him on the jaw. "So, somebody new to play with, he doesn't look like much of a challenge," Kagato told him. "Then prove it Kagato, my whole life I never backed down a challenge, and I'm not about to start now," the boy told him in a low voice. "Oh really, and just who are you boy," Kagato asked him. : I certainly hope it is not something stupid like Justin Thompson. "My name is Thompson, Justin Thompson, remember that when I'm beating the living tar out of you," Justin told him. : No fair! You peeked! "Well then, show me what you've got," Kagato told him and formed his energy sword again. "I have a better idea than that, show me what you can do with that toothpick," Justin taunted him. : Are they about to have gay sex? : Ah, we finally get to the taunting. Wait, did he just say-- : Yeah, he did. Get used to it. "So be it." Kagato disappeared and appeared right in front of Justin, he swung his sword and hit Justin on the shoulder. Everybody was surprised to see how the sword, on contact with Justin's muscles, shattered into millions of green bits. : Oh, this is just too funny. Do we even need to point it out, or can we just go straight to the "doubled over in laughter" part? "Not bad Kagato, but I think it's supposed to go, something like, this," Justin said and gave Kagato a quick knee right to his gut. Kagato gasped for breath and doubled over. : Awowoah! Right in the beanbag! Then Justin kicked Kagato upside the head and against another wall. "Wow, that guy is something else," Ryoko said. "I think that we should let them fight it out and we save Sasami," Washu told them. "Good idea," Tenchi said and raced over to Sasami, but he was shocked as well by the defense barrier. : Damn! Why didn't Kagato lower the barrier for no apparent reason? : The same reason that I'm back from the dead for no apparent reason. And why we are all Dragon Ball Z characters, for no apparent reason. "Such idiots," Kagato remarked. "Well let's see how that defense barrier likes you," Justin told him, he grabbed Kagato and ran at the barrier with him in front of him. Upon impact Kagato was shocked worse than any of the others were, he screamed in pain as he was continually shocked. : Mmm...I smell hot dogs! "Let's see how you like this big and ugly," Justin grabbed Kagato by the face, everybody wondered what was going on, when he blasted Kagato in the face with a surge of power, this completely shorted out the barrier, and it wasn't too good on Kagato either. : "Big and ugly"? Personally, I'd have to say Kags here is quite the bishie. "Now, get Sasami and all of you get out of here, my fight is with Kagato," Justin told them. : Ah, yes. This is your fight because...you enjoy sticking your nose in other peoples' business? "Right," Ayeka said as she tried to smash the crystal, but it proved to be too strong for her to break. "Stand aside princess, lemme have a try," Ryoko said and shoved Ayeka to the side, she began to try and smash the crystal casing harder but it didn't even crack. : Speaking of crack, anybody wondering what the author was smoking when he wrote this fic? "Ha, you'll never break that crystal you stupid weaklings," Kagato told them, everyone was surprised that he had Justin by his throat. "Let me go," Justin demanded as he tried to crush Kagato's wrist. : Hiiya! Okay, dammit, let me try again...Hiiya! Let me down, you mean man! Kagato just smirked and turned Justin to stone and dropped him like a rock (A/N: I know that's a pun. Intended or not? I'm not telling). : Well, the joke fell flat as a...um...a flat rock. : Way to exercise your intellectual superiority, Duo. "Well, that's that," Kagato told them. But as soon as those words left his mouth, the stone figure of Justin started to crack and then exploded, and Justin was standing there, unscathed. "You'll have to do better than that Kagato, I'm a lot stronger than you think," Justin told him. : He would have to be. Otherwise his spine would be crushed by his own weight. "Oh really, you think you're fighting me at my maximum power? Well you're wrong, I'm only fighting at one percent," Kagato told him. : One percent, huh? Ummm...WHY? : Because I am an idiot who does not understand the fact that had I used all of my power to destroy them immediately, thereby gaining my goal, which I do not even know anymore, because it changes every paragraph, this fic would be over by now. Everybody became terrified when they heard this, Kagato was almost unstoppable when they dealt with him, and that was only at one percent, they could only imagine how powerful he'd be at a hundred percent. : So...he...decided to not use his full power so Tenchi could kill...him? : Yes. I am suicidal, after all. "Oh yeah, well I dare you to go to one hundred percent, then we'll see who's the strongest one is," Justin told him. "WHAT! Are you crazy," Tenchi yelled. "No, I know what I'm doing. Now Kagato, do it you weakling," Justin barked. : ONLY TWO THINGS COME FROM JURAI! STEERS AND QUEERS, AND I DON'T SEE NO HORNS ON YOU, BOY! "Very well," Kagato told him and began to glow bright green. : Mmmm...I suddenly have a refreshing mint flavor. Ten seconds later, the glow faded away. "It's done," Kagato told him. "That's it," everybody asked in unison. Justin just stood there with his arms folded and smirked. : So...this guy is an SI, right? : Yes. Blatant. : Figures. I hate Dragon Ball Z. "I don't believe it. Every other villain I've fought has been so melodramatic, but this guy has a melodramatic deficiency," Justin mocked. : Hey, Kagato doesn't make fun of your speech impediment! : Or your mild retardation. "Oh really," Kagato replied and then suddenly vanished. Before anybody could tell what happened, Kagato appeared behind Justin and kicked him to the floor. "What I lack in dramatics, I make up for in the quality of my work," Kagato told them. : YAY! GO KAGATO! "Make up for this you monster," Ayeka yelled and charged Kagato. Kagato just smirked, Ayeka punched and kicked him and Ryoko, Washu and Tenchi joined in as well, but he just knocked them to the side like they were nothing but insects. : So, which episode of Dragon Ball Z was this? : All of them. "You pitiful weaklings are no match for me," Kagato told them. "Match this," Justin said and kicked Kagato upside the head. Kagato was dazed from this, so Justin began to series of punches and kicks, but even in his dazed state Kagato still blocked all of them. : KA-GA-TO! KA-GA-TO! "I must say I'm impressed boy. You're still a challenge even when I'm at my maximum power," Kagato said, and then surprised Justin with a sneaky sucker punch, sending him flying backwards. : And what exactly is a "sneaky sucker punch"? : Look, over there! It's Goku! : What? I want his autograph! OW! Justin smashed into the crystal imprisoning Sasami, and it was with great force. : Yes, we can't overemphasize how great the force was, can we? "Justin, are you okay," Sasami asked him. "Don't worry Sasami, I'll protect you," Justin told her and slowly stood up, but as he did Kagato came flying at him, Justin rolled to the side just in time as Kagato smashed his fist into the crystal. "It's hammer time," Justin told him and dropped down. : And the winner for stupidest line of the day is... A major two point landing, right on Kagato's head. "That's for taking sweet little Sasami as a hostage Kagato," Justin said as he got off Kagato and picked him up, "and this, this is just for the hell of it," he told him and threw Kagato against the wall. : So, just to reiterate, I am back from the dead for no discernable reason. : Yep. : Were you talking about me here or me in the fic? : Your choice. Just as Kagato was about to crash into the wall, he stopped a few feet short. "Spoiled brat," Kagato told him, "I can't be defeated by the likes of you, I'm too strong," Kagato told him, he glanced over at Tenchi and the other girls, and then they disappeared in a flash. : Gee, Kagato, I didn't know you had mastered teleportation. : I have not. That is why I still have to get up and walk to the refrigerator to get myself a glass of wine while I watch television. "No! What did you do to them," Sasami asked. "I simply sent them back to Earth, they were to much of a distraction. I'd much rather fight this brat, he's much more of a challenge than they were," Kagato told her. : I can't help but think Kagato would be doing much better if he had a motive at this point. "You're getting me mad Kagato, I think that it's time to crank it up some more," Justin told him and then took a fighting stance. At first nothing happened, but in his low voice, Justin started to yell loudly, it was so loud and with a voice as low as his, all of Souja began to shake. : It isn't THAT low. Well I guess it is for somebody without balls, but it still isn't that low. Power erupted from Justin's body, the walls, ceilings, and floors cracked and broke, even the crystal prison Sasami was in started to crack. Suddenly, Justin's muscles increased in size again until they were triple what there normal size would be, they became so large the legs to his pants ripped, and the seems to his shirt tore as well, they were just barely holding together. : Wow. He's gone from being an ugly freak to an ugly, musclebound freak. Great work, that. And then Justin's skin and hair started to change in color, his hair turned orange and his skin turned purple. : On the list of things that intimidate me, "purple skin" rarely appears. : What does intimidate you? : Spiders. And hornets. Soon after, Justin's voice became quieter until he stopped yelling totally and his power became more controlled. "So Kagato, impressed," Justin asked him. : Not in the least, boy. You look even stupider than before. "Not in the least boy, you look even stupider than before," Kagato told him. : Huh, maybe he did get Kags's characterization correct. : No. I actually speak with proper grammar and punctuation. "Well then prepare to be impressed," Justin told him, before Kagato knew it, Justin appeared right in front of him and punched him in the stomach. Kagato doubled over in pain and coughed as he tried to gasp for air. : I dunno, it looks more like he can't breathe because he's laughing at the stupidity of this fic. "I'm much stronger than ever Kagato, you should've given up while you had the chance," Justin told him and kicked Kagato across the room and into his pipe organ, which resulted in a very sour note. : F flat. "Don't worry Sasami, I'll deal with Kagato and I'll find a way back home for you," Justin reassured her. "Thank you Justin, I'm glad you're a good guy," Sasami told him. : Gee golly, this Justin sure is a swell lad! "You bet I am, I wouldn't hurt you for anything, but Kagato is another story. Justin cracked his knuckles and walked over to the remains of the pipe organ and pulled Kagato out of them. : Is there no way you could bring the fool from this fic to our dimension, so that I may show him exactly how easily defeated he is? : Maybe we could give it a shot after the fic. I wouldn't hold your breath, though. For a minute, Kagato's body was limp, like he was dead. "I guess I beat him already," Justin said to himself. Suddenly, Kagato's body sprung to life and he put his hand to Justin's chest. "I don't think so boy," Kagato told him and blasted Justin, causing a blinding bright light all throughout the room. : YES! KILL HIM! When the light faded, Justin was lying on the ground, almost unconscious and Kagato's foot on his back. "Spoiled brat, you need to learn how to respect your elders," Kagato told him and then kicked Justin across the room. : Your wit amazes me, Kagato. : Your desire to be destroyed amazes me. Does that make us even? Justin smashed into the wall, causing yet another indention. Justin stood up and then dusted himself off. His shirt was ripped up badly, and his pants legs were tattered, he was going to need a new set once this bout was over. : I really hope they're part of a nice suit for his funeral. "Like to play rough eh Kagato, well try this on," : It's a ten-inch strap-on! Justin told him, he disappeared and then reappeared behind Kagato and kicked him in the head and into another wall. : So this is what passes as an "action" scene, huh? : I know. Kick, punch, kick, punch, taunt, taunt, power up, kick... "Kagato groaned as he got out of the wall and stood up. "Obviously you still haven't learned your lesson Kagato," Justin told him and threw the tyrant against the crystal. : Ah yes, the tyrannical Kagato. He who just shows up in other peoples' homes and starts trying to be a badass. Oh, wait, that's Justin. My bad. The sheer force of the impact cracked the crystal even further, but it was still strong enough to keep Sasami imprisoned. Kagato somehow managed to stand up, but his left arm was badly injured and bleeding, it was hanging uselessly. : Is it too early to start yelling at this fic to end? : No. Hell, it wasn't too early about ten paragraphs ago. "So, that's how you want to play huh boy? I'm not so easily destroyed," Kagato told him and somehow managed to throw an energy ball at Justin, but Justin just swatted it to the side like it was nothing. "Then I guess I'll just have to play hard ball," Justin told him and kicked Kagato into a wall. : For God's sake, my pulse is actually slowing down during this fight scene. : If it becomes any more "exciting", I may need a defibrillator. Kagato was smashed into the wall hard, he tried to get free but Justin was already there and punching Kagato even harder. "Oh man, Justin's so mean and strong, I just hope he's not a new evil who wants to eliminate the competition," Sasami said to herself. : Geez, even Sasami, thinks this guy is an ass! Justin grabbed Kagato and slammed him against the ground, smashing a hole in the floor; he then turned to look at Sasami. "Sasami, cover your ears and close your eyes at tight as you can, I don't want you to see or hear this," Justin told her. : Sick! He's going to rape Kagato! "Okay Justin," she told him, she covered her ears and shut her eyes tight and turned around. Justin smirked and then turned back to Kagato. "And now Kagato, time to die. Have a taste of my Supernova," Justin told him and flew about ten feet above Kagato. : I saw the movie "Supernova" a while back. : Was it any good? : No. It really sucked. It wasn't this bad, though. Although the cinematography was like they strapped a camera to the back of a spastic monkey. He put his hands on his head like he was about to fire a solar flare attack, within seconds; a swirling ball of energy appeared in front of Justin. Then he took a stance like he was going to fire a kamehameha, and then he fired a beam of unbelievably strong power right at the ball, and forced it all right at Kagato. : Gee, all of that crap would have meant something if we watched Dragon Ball Z. The second the blast hit Kagato he screamed in agony, and then, in the blink of an eye, Souja and everything within fifty miles was eradicated, nothing survived. : Yay! Justin should be dead then! For the next three days at the Masaki household, things had slowly started to spiral down into a hellhole. Washu was chewing herself out for not being able to do more and tried to find the location of where Sasami might be, but nothing had been found. : Perhaps Justin should look up the term "collateral damage" for future reference. Ayeka hadn't been able to sleep at night, and when she did manage to get to sleep, she had only achieved it by crying for hours. Even Ryoko was upset, she had tried to get drunk to forget but it didn't do any good, and Ayeka had turned to her for moral support. : Oh, Ryoko, I'm so sad. : Yeah, well I'm so drunk, and you don't hear me bitching about it! Mihoshi and Kiyone had pulled multiple sweeps of space but found nothing. Noboyuki had nothing to do but go to work, Tenchi did his chores, and Yosho meditated. Even Ryo-Ohki was upset; she had quit eating her carrots and did her best to search for Sasami, but found nothing but empty space. : Perhaps she should stop searching inside the author's skull. "EUREKA," Washu yelled and ran out of her lab. "Everyone, I've found out where Sasami is and she's alive," Washu told them all. Within seconds everyone was there to hear this. "Washu are you sure about this? Are you sure it's Sasami," Ayeka asked her. : And most importantly, did that annoying Justin guy die? "I'm positive! In fact she's..." but before Washu could finish her sentence there was a knock at the door of the house. Everybody ran to the door and almost ripped it off its hinges as it was opened. There, standing in the doorway was Justin in a new set of clothes and holding Sasami. : DAMMIT! Sasami had her legs under Justin's arms, her arms around his neck, and resting her head on his shoulder; Justin was supporting her by keeping his arms around her lower back. : A pose inspired by M.C. Escher. But Justin looked different now, he wasn't muscled up or looked like a Super Saiyan, instead he looked just like a normal teenager, his hair with a blackish brown and his eyes were blue and he had a nice tan color to his skin as well. : Maybe it isn't Justin. : We can only hope. "Sasami," Ayeka yelled. "Hey be quiet, the poor girl's exhausted. Save your excitement for when she wakes up," Justin told them. : You ignorant bitch! "Oh sorry, come in and sit down," Ayeka offered. "I'd rather not, I can't take off my boots right now and this little girl has a good grip on me, she doesn't wanna let go of me," he told them. : I think she's trying to choke you to death. "Well tell us what happened, my instruments read a massive explosion where the Souja was and no life forms anywhere, what happened," Washu asked. "Well I'll explain it to you. During the battle with Kagato I decided to play hardball, so I transformed to my Cyborg 13 form, my muscles were triple the size, my skin was purple, and my hair was orange. : So basically, you clashed. It was easy for me to overpower Kagato. I beat him up, threw him into his pipe organ, then against the crystal that had Sasami imprisoned, then against a wall, and then the floor of the ship. Then, I powered up my Supernova attack and blasted Kagato to bits, killing him for good. : WE READ ALL OF THAT! STOP SUMMARIZING, DAMMIT! : Indeed. And stop making us feel like fools for reading that long, boring "action" sequence and discovering it could have been written in two sentences. : The author hates us. I know he does. Everything within fifty miles was destroyed, but I was able to save Sasami and myself by transporting the both of us on board before we were hurt. : So, the Souja was the epicenter of a massive explosion, and you saved yourself by transporting onto it? We then spent the next three days trying to find out where you all were, we just recently found you. But Sasami has been suffering the whole time, she's been suffering from horrible nightmares," Justin told them. : Probably caused by your hideous visage. "I can understand the part about the nightmares, the experience with Kagato would scare anyone, but how'd you get to be so strong, even with all my power I still couldn't hurt him," Washu told him. : END, DAMMIT! END END END! "I'm not sure how I got to be so strong, but I definitely like it, all that power feels great, and as far as I can tell, it's unlimited. I've won a lot of battles and the more I win, the more powerful I become," Justin explained. : ...and the stupider this fic becomes. "Wow, I'll definitely need to run some experiments on you," Washu told him. "Oh no Washu, you're not experimenting on anybody," Tenchi told her. "Spoilsport," she replied. "Oh get out of my way," Ayeka said and pushed them aside, "thank you, for saving my dear little sister," she told him. : Yes, he did a good job of saving Sasami from an explosion HE created. "It was no problem Ayeka, I had to save her, I couldn't live with a little girl's blood on my hands. Here, take care of her," Justin told her and handed Sasami to Ayeka. Ayeka held Sasami tight, tears running down her cheeks. Sasami slowly began to wake up and then she saw everyone standing around her, she looked up and saw Ayeka, and then turned her head and saw Justin. : Dammit, he's still here. "Justin, am I back home," Sasami asked in a tired tone. "Yes Sasami, you're back home," Ayeka choked out, despite her best tries she couldn't hold her tears back, so she gently put Sasami down and ran off back into the house. "What's wrong with Ayeka," Sasami asked. "She just didn't want you to see her cry Sasami," Ryoko told her. : This brings a tear to my eye. : What? : Oh, not that scene. The fact that the end of this fic is in sight. "But Justin I don't understand it. Why did Kagato send us all back here when the reason he wanted us to come was so he could get my power," Tenchi asked. : That's what we've been asking the whole damn time. "He sent you back because you guys were a distraction from the fight. And he realized that I was much stronger than you were," Justin told him. : So, the explanation is that Kagato was willfully stupid. "I don't believe it," Ryoko told him. "Well believe it, Justin destroyed Kagato," Sasami told them. "Well, I guess it's time for me to hit the road," Justin told them and turned and walked off. : Yes, go! Shoo! Scat! Skedaddle! "Justin wait," Sasami said and ran up to him. "What is it Sasami, somebody here pestering you," Justin asked. "No Justin, I just thought you were going to stay for a while," she told him. "Sorry kiddo but I've gotta get going," he told her. : Yes, I must needlessly involve myself in yet more conflicts to which I am not party! And, I must turn other, quality, anime series into boring-ass Dragon Ball Z episodes! Justin Thompson away! "Oh, well will I ever see you again," Sasami asked him. "I don't know, maybe if my there's another super villain or something like that here on Earth, then yes you'll see me again. Now I think I should get going before Washu gets her hands on me. Knowing her she'll lock me in a giant test tube and see what makes me tick," Justin told her. : If there is any luck in the world, she will kill you. "Oh she won't do that. She gave that up a long time ago. But she does have a giant butterfly net that she uses," Sasami told him. "In that case I've gotta go, no I really don't feel safe around here. I can handle the most dangerous villains in the universe but I can't beat a twelve year old girl," Justin told her. : I doubt you could beat a twelve-year-old poodle. "Hold it Justin, I've got a question for you myself," Washu told him as she tried to hide the large butterfly net behind her back, "when we were all on Souja how'd you know our names?" "Well Washu, I'm not going to tell you that, then I'd spoil the surprise," Justin told her, he then threw a small ball on the ground and then a huge puff of smoke block everyone's vision. : Allow me to translate: "The author has no idea, so this seems like a convenient plot device." : And what's up with the Siegfried and Roy crap? "Hey no fair, that guy cheats," Ryoko said as she waved the smoke away, but when she did, Justin was nowhere in sight. "Ah nuts he got away," Washu complained and threw her net down. "Yep," Sasami told them. "Well I suppose we should better get back in, Ayeka's going to go insane once she calms down," Ryoko told her. : Oh, good. She gets more insane as she calms down. "Okay," Sasami told her and they began to walk back to the house. "Sasami, what do you know about Justin anyway and what surprise was he talking about," Washu asked her. "*Giggles* well, that's for me to know and not for you Washu," Sasami told her. "Spoilsport," Washu grumbled. : I really hope that the surprise isn't statutory rape. Like it? Hate it? Whichever, please review. : I thought that is what we just did. : Hey, it's over! : Yes! Let us out of here! __________________________________________________________________________ The post-fanfic commentary was always a jovial, relaxed, atmosphere, thanks largely in part to large quantities of alcohol. Misato was having a beer, Kiyone was drinking sake, Duo was swallowing some hard lemonade, and Kagato was sipping some sort of red wine. Ken and Cyrus were both abstaining from the alcohol. Ken because he was too young, and Cyrus because he was a loser and nobody would give him any beer. "So, you do this regularly?" asked Kagato. "Yep, we sure do!" replied Kiyone, much more happily than usual. This was because she had imbibed quite a bit of sake. For someone who was a fairly reserved drinker, it was easy to see the effects of MSTing on her. "Ah. I see. And you mentioned earlier that I was going to be killed by a boy moments before I gained ultimate power." "Yep!" said Misato, filling in for the currently drinking Kiyone. "It looks like you're about screwed!" "IX-NAY ON THE EATH-DAY!" Cyrus yelled angrily at the two women. "Your plan was flawed for a few simple reasons, Kagato. One, you failed to take into account a worst-case scenario, which is what you faced. Second, you refused to establish multiple contingency plans to take care of any events which might have resulted in your death. I don't think a clone or mechanical copy would have been completely out of order. And you have to know that the good guys will always have an ace up their sleeve that even they don't know about." Everyone paused for a moment and looked at Ken. "You are quite wise, Ken," said Kagato, interested. "I tried the villain thing for a while. It didn't work out," he replied. "You were obviously quite good at it. Why did you quit?" Kagato's interest was obviously piqued. "Oh, emotional stuff. The power of love, friendship, sacrifice, blah blah blah." "Ah, yes, the classic rhetoric. How would you like to help me rule the galaxy? Evil Lieutenants are difficult to find these days." Duo stood up. "Hey, waitaminute. Ken's a crew member on our ship. A day might not go by that me or Kiyone doesn't express our desire to leave, or at the very least, maim Cyrus, but by God, we have unity! I'm not going to let you take Ken for your own evil schemes!" "Excellent speech," Kagato congratulated. "Are you quite finished?" "Hmm...lemme think." Duo began counting on his fingers. "I covered hating Cyrus, Ken being a crew member, unity, you can't take Ken...yep, I'm done." "Good," said Kagato, and he raised his hand. A blast of invisible force distorted the light as it traveled towards Duo, creating a ripple effect. When it reached Duo, he went "Oof!" and flew through the air into a wall. "And it's 'Kiyone or I,'" Kagato added. "Now, I am taking Ken with me. And you will not stop me," he said, grabbing Ken by the arm. Kiyone drew her blaster and fired at Kagato a few times, but the shots just bounced off an invisible field surrounding him. "Don't waste your life," Kagato said to Kiyone as he raised his hand again, knocking her back to the ground and causing her to drop her blaster. "Dammit!" yelled Misato as she reached for her sidearm. But it was too late. Kagato had teleported away to the Souja. Leaving Kiyone and Duo dazed and injured, and Misato standing alone. At that moment, Cyrus returned from the bathroom. "Woo! Looks like things got wild while I was gone! Good drinks, huh?" He looked around. "Hey, where are Kagato and Ken? Misato? Misato?" TO BE CONTINUED... __________________________________________________________________________ Yep, there it is. The season finale three-part series event for The Flight of the HMS Zap Rowsdower. Like it? Hate it? Whatever, just email me at rowsdower@seanbaby.com and tell me what you think. Also, be sure to check out my website, www.dabrits.co.uk/spacklecube. I'd like to thank all the Minagibaters, as well as the Authors of the First Amendment. And Best Brains, the guys who made the original MST3K. Be sure not to miss the next installment, which will have a special guest! Who won't be written solely by me! Which is good thing for those of you who are sick of my humor and want a change of pace. Seeya next time! Eyecatch: "Don't worry Sasami, I'll protect you," Justin told her and slowly stood up, but as he did Kagato came flying at him, Justin rolled to the side just in time as Kagato smashed his fist into the crystal. "It's hammer time," Justin told him and dropped down.