*DISCLAIMER* So then the lawyer said to the shark, "What's up, bro?" That's right, I have utter contempt for law so as to put bad lawyer jokes in my disclaimer! However, I feel the need to point out that the various characters represented within are property of other people. For example, Wormon and Ken are property of Toei Animation and Saban. In the same sense that Kiyone is property of Pioneer and AIC and Misato is property of Gainax. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention that Duo is owned by Quatre's poolboy...just kidding! He's owned by Trowa's poolboy. And Sunrise and Sotsu Agency. *DISCLAIMER* The HMS Zap Rowsdower. A former experimental Canadian spacecraft, stolen by an unwitting teenage tourist, Cyrus Marriner. It is on this newly acquired spaceship that this young man dedicates himself to one sole purpose...to make the universe a better place. To boldly seek out evil in all of its forms and destroy it with extreme prejudice. Unfortunately, he really doesn't have the time to do all of that, and the ship is really complicated, so he just decides to make fun of really bad Tenchi Muyo fan fiction. Using advanced Canadian technology, Cyrus Marriner reaches into the fabric of time and space and pulls together a crew of individuals who can handle the severe mental strain of reading bad fan fiction. Unless they can't. And without further ado, let's bring out the MSTers! Kiyone Makibi: A Galaxy Police officer who is most definitely not a lesbian. Duo Maxwell: A Gundam pilot who is most definitely not a hentai. Ken Ichijouji: A Digidestined who is most definitely not insane. Misato Katsuragi: A NERV Officer who is most definitely not drunk. AND Wormon: The ship's pilot who is most definitely not going to plow the ship into a planet one day. _____________________________________________________________________________ Breakfast. Everybody eats something different. Sometimes a little too different. "Dammit, Cyrus! Did you have to dirty every pot in this entire kitchen?" yelled Kiyone. Cyrus looked up from his breakfast. Three pancakes, four strips of bacon, two eggs (over easy), two sausages, a glass of milk, and a grapefruit. The grapefruit was still hole, and had a smiley face drawn on it in Sharpie pen. Cyrus grinned and looked up from his meal, grabbing a butter knife and quickly making a slit in the grapefruit. He grabbed it in one hand, and squeezed it so it opened up, vaguely resembling a face. In a horrible attempt at ventriloquism, Cyrus said, "Why are you mad at Cyrus? You woke up late! I'm Mr. Grapefruit and I say you should have woken up when I made breakfast!" During the process of squeezing the grapefruit to make its "mouth" open and close, it shot a concentrated stream of juice...right into Duo's eye. "OH GOD IT BURNS!" Duo screamed, drowning out Kiyone's response. As Duo rolled around on the floor screaming in pain, Ken entered and sat down. "Cyrus, did you fix the dish I asked you to?" he asked politely. "Oh, yeah," replied Cyrus, pointing to a covered plate on the counter nearby. Kiyone kicked Duo as he rolled around on the ground. "Shut up!" Duo promptly obeyed, going from screaming to wimpering. "Cyrus, what am I supposed to do for breakfast?" she asked again, adding: "You messed up every dish in the kitchen!" "Kiyone," Cyrus began, his tone rebuking her, "it's a galley. Come on, say it with me, gal-ley. We're on a ship, remember?" "I swear to God if I had put my sidearm on this morning you would be dead right now, Cyrus." "Look, just drink some coffee," Cyrus said, waving his finger in towards the coffee machine as he read the comics page. Unbeknownst to him, Duo had stood up and was headed to the bathroom to try to wash out his eye. And his path had taken his good eye directly towards Cyrus's finger. However, Duo's body was a finely tuned machine. He had spent years of his life training, perfecting his timing and reflexes, so he could be one of the best mobile suit pilots ever. And his reflexes did not let him down. He spun away, ducking the finger and the vicious fingernail it wielded. However, his spin took him right into the path of Misato, who was just entering the room with two boxes of doughnuts that had three cups of coffee precipitously balanced atop them. Duo's collision unbalanced the cups, and he watched as they fell, almost in slow motion, emptying their steaming hot contents onto his crotch. Duo unleashed a wail of pain the likes of which was usually reserved for those being tortured in the deepest depths of hell by a homosexual anthropomorphic carrot named Tad. He ran out of the room, almost crying in pain, headed for the bathroom. "Geez, what's with him?" asked Misato. "I dunno," said Cyrus. "Oh, where can we get some coffee now? I was looking forward to the boost," Wormon complained. "Don't sweat it, Ken came in and fixed the machine right after you guys left to get the doughnuts. It's working fine now!" Cyrus answered, looking up from the comics for a brief moment before turning his head back downwards and looking at the page. "Oh, Garfield, what have you gotten yourself into now?" he mused. "What about me?" Kiyone asked, exasperated. "You're a cop Kiyone. Don't you love doughnuts?" asked Cyrus, munching happily on some bacon. "NO! I don't want any doughnuts! I want some goddamn noodles or something! Like Sasami used to make! But you always wake up before me and make yourself a five course breakfast!" Kiyone yelled. "You don't need to be such a bitch about it," muttered Cyrus. "What did you say?" "I said, 'Could you please keep it down? I'm trying to read Mary Worth.'" Wormon hopped forwards. "Actually, it sounded like you said-" he began, only to be interrupted by Cyrus. "That we might be in need of a new pilot and we should jettison the old one into space?" he asked. "Is that what I said?" "Er, nevermind." "Good. Now Kiyone, if you want something else for breakfast, I'm sure Ken would be more than happy to share some of his breakfast with you," Cyrus said. He gestured to Ken, who was sitting down at the table with his covered plate and a glass of milk. He looked up at the mention of his name. "Uh, yeah, you can have some of my breakfast, Kiyone," he said, glaring at Cyrus. "Oh, thanks. What are you having?" she asked. Ken pulled the cover off of his plate, a gout of steam rising from the food contained within. "Lobster!" he said happily, wrapping a bib around his neck. "Lobster?" said Kiyone. "It's brain food!" Ken said. "For breakfast?" asked Kiyone. "What's wrong with that?" Kiyone shook her head and sat down next to Ken, holding out her plate so he could put some of the lobster on it. "Hey, Misato, could you get me something to drink while you're over there?" she asked, noticing Misato was rooting around through the refrigerator. "Sure," said Misato, her back still to Kiyone. Kiyone turned around and began grappling with the lobster claw in a vain attempt to get meat out of it. "Don't eat much lobster, Kiyone?" Ken asked, noticing her inability to get the meat out of the shellfish. "Well, no. OW!" Kiyone yelled as a flying beer can hit her in the back of the head, knocking her forwards, face first into the lobster claw on her plate. When she lifted her head, the claw had attached itself to her nose. "Dammit," she swore, "I wanted you to hand it to me! Or set in front of me! Not throw it at me!" "Sorry," said Misato. She popped the tab on her beer and drank down a big gulp of beer. "Wooooh!" she hollered, "That's good stuff!" Kiyone, meanwhile, had caught the projectile that had been aimed at her head. "What the hell? Beer for breakfast?" she asked. Suddenly, alarms went off all over the ship. "WARNING! WARNING! FANFIC ALERT! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING YET AGAIN! HUZZAH, IT'S ANOTHER WARNING!" Within moments, the cast was safely seated in the theater, ready for another MST. Except for Duo, who was a little late because he was pouring cold water on his crotch. _____________________________________________________________________________ : Allow me to reiterate: beer and lobster for breakfast? : Yeah, what do you have? : Usually I sleep until noon, but somebody had to call an emergency MST for seven o'clock in the goddamned morning. : Oh, come on. You should be half asleep and drunk before you read this fic, anyway. : (Just entering the theater) What about having a scalded crotch? Is that a necessity, too? : Oh, you knew what you were getting into when you signed the contract. : What contract? : Oh, will you look at that? The fic's starting! : But... : Oh, stop whining. Tenchi came down stairs after a long nights sleep when he is faced with a difficult choice. : Boxers or briefs? : Depends. How to kill and kill and kill. : Well, this is looking great already. : What the hell is this, Cyrus? Psychoses Week? : Sorry, it just happened this way. We'll get back to good old Mr. Sinister in a few weeks. : So this is what my foot tastes like, huh? You see during the night Tenchi contracted a mild case of rabies from Ryo-oki and it has driven him insane. : I'm wondering what medical journal this guy got his facts from. All he can think about is ripping the flesh from everyones bones. As he gets his first idea a smile creeps across his face and he starts to giggle. What fun is about to happen. : He's going to kill everyone, isn't he? : Oh crap. : What? : Look at the next lines. "Kyone,when are you going to tell everyone about our love?" "Tell people? Are you mad Washu? If word got out that I, A police officer were involved with the most insane scintest in the universe scandal would rock the entire empire." : I'M GOING TO KILL EVERYBODY! : Sit down. You've had your rabies shots, so it shouldn't be a problem. Washu leaned over and placed her hand on Kyone's leg and whispered "Honey come back to bed and i'll show you what to do with your badge." : What the hell sort of sexual banter is that? : Come on back and I'll show you how to tie a square knot. : If you know what I mean. Kyone sighed and climbed under the covers and went to work. Tenchi had watched this entire exchange from the doorway and had a flash of insight. "I knew that those plastic exploseves I got from Minne May would come in handy." Tenchi giggled. : This must be Tenchi Mesaki, the one related to that Gene fellow. : Is it possible for you guys to lay off the jokes that require the reading of your previous MSTs? : Is it possible for you to shut up? : I think that might have been uncalled for, Duo. "I'll be right back," said Washu as she went into the bathroom. She looked over and grabbed the soap. Or so she thought. : The greatest scientific genius in the universe can't tell the difference between soap and plastic explosives? Sure. : Well, I can sympathize. If I had left you naked in my bed I wouldn't be able to think straight either. : I'm not sure if I should hit you or thank you. When she climbed back into bed she said "Honey I got the soap for a even better time." : Okay, we have in front of us a lesbian grabbing soap to better the experience. Can anyone explain why? It's not for lubricant, unless there was a toy in there somewhere that I missed. The only explanation I can think of is if they're...uh, soap-o-philes. "All right co-" was all Kyone had time to say before Tenchi pressed the button on his remote detnotar. : Detnotar? That sounds like the name of a stupid Japanese monster. : Detnotar vs. Carzilla! Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Washu and Kyone were nothing more than spots on the floor of Washu's Lab. : Hey, Kiyone, look on the bright side. At least he got you out of the fic quickly. Tenchi giggled some more and felt a wave of light headness come over him. Then he went to find that little bitch Sasami who wanted to get into his pants. : What is he basing this statement on? From what I recall, Sasami was the character who did the least to try to get into his pants. : In the series, at least. In the magical world of fan fiction, however... "Little whore," thought Tenchi as he left. : ...all pretense of sanity behind him. When he got outside Sasami's door he heard some Metallica blaring as loud as the cd player would allow. : I'd like to welcome you to the Masaki household, situated in America. I mean Japan. Really, this is Japan. That made Tenchi's headace even worse. "Damn little bitch!!" screamed Tenchi : At the author, hopefully. but the music was too loud for her to hear. He knocked on the door. Nothing the music was too loud. So he went on in. : Ah good. Another fan fic that takes all forms of decency and screws them violently up the ass. : So Tenchi's line of logic is swear, knock, and enter? I've noticed a lot of fan fics rely on the concept that everyone is rude. The sight he saw was shocking. Sasami was naked on her bed holding a picture between her legs and moaning softly. Tenchi looked at the picture and saw that it was a picture of him! : Does anybody even want to guess the position Sasami is in so Tenchi can make out his face on picture in between her legs. : I think I've been in that position before. (everybody sweatdrops) I'm just kidding guys. You can uncross your legs now. "That fucking slut!" Tenchi thought. : Yeah, I had no idea Sasami slept around with so many pictures. : Oh, "Starry Night"! Faster! Faster! : I'm going to kill you in your sleep one of these days, Duo. : It'd be easiest if you were in bed with me to begin with. But now he knew just how to kill the little bitch. He left without her even knowing he was there and went down stairs. He went to the new grand piano that they had gotten for Ayeka and looked inside. : Since when is Ayeka a pianist? : She can be a real dick, but otherwise... (NOTE TO AYEKA FANS WHO MAY BE PISSED OFF: I love Ayeka! Ayeka is my goddess! the joke uses the generalization that Ayeka is a bitch! Please put your machetes back in their sheaths! And some cases whips!) He found a loose wire and ripped it free. Now all he had to do was lure the little corner-walker into his trap. : He catches her masturbating, and suddenly she's a whore? : That would most definitely make me a whore. : Me too. : Yeah, me too. (awkward silence) : Really? : Yeah, really. (yet another awkward silence) : I may have opened up a whole can of worms we don't want to talk about, here. Sasami had turned of her music and was just laying there on the bed thinking about Tenchi trying to find a way to get into his pants. : If they're his Shin Tenchi pants, she shouldn't have a problem. They're huge. Then she heard a knock on her door and threw on her robe then opened the door. There was no one there. She was about to close the door when she saw a note laying on the floor. It said, : Dear Sasami, please go outside and run as far away from this fic as you can. Sincerely, the MSTers. "Sasami I have decided that you are the one I want. Meet me in Washu's Lab in 15 min. Don't worry about Washu I have taken care of her." : Oh, that's not ominous at all. Sasami's heart fluttered and she ran down to Washu's Lab and went inside. "Tenchi," she called in that oh so sexy voice and walked toward a table in the middle of the room. : "that oh so sexy voice"? I think we have some issues that need resolving. "This should serve my purpose with that sexy man," she said. But she looked down and saw that she was standing in the puddle of goo that Washu and Kyone had turned into. At first she thought it was just some cabbit shit but then she saw the red and black hairs and it dawned on her what had happened. : Oh my god! Ryo-ohki ate Washu! And somebody with black hair! Just then she heard a portal open and felt something tighten around her throat. : Tenchi, the master of dimensional travel! Tenchi was strangeling her with some type of wire!!! She fought to get free but he was stronger then her(rabies it'll do that to you) : Thank you, Dr. Science. so it was to no avall. The last thing she rembered was Tenchi's constant giggling and then she died. When she stoped breathing Tenchi picked her up and placed her on the table. He drove nails through her hands and feet and left her nailed to the table standing against the wall. : I'm scared. Could somebody hold me? Thanks, whoever that is. : It's not me. : It's not me. : I know. The hands aren't on my breasts. Thanks, Ken. : Thanks for what? : Uhhh... : What are you looking at? Now Tenchi thought that killing Yosho would be a lot more fun. : I think it'll be fun, too! : What's wrong with you? : Thinks about it. Tenchi versus Yosho? Grandpa'll kick the little freak's ass! Tenchi muttered a giggle and went to the shrine to settle some things. Yosho was metidating on some wise sayings but he was running out of ideas. "Don't shit where you eat," came to mind but he quickly rejected it. : You know, I would have figured that this author was a fan of eating shit. Heard a thump behind him and it was Sasami's severed head staring at him. : Uh-oh. You know what this means. : Yeah. Tetherball! He jumped up wooden sword in hand. It was Tenchi with his hands behind his back. "Tenchi what have you done," he screamed at him. : I'm so sorry! The author is making me do all of this horrible stuff! : Good God! That's what you said last week! Tenchi didn't say a thing but just giggled and blood started to run out of his nose. Yosho reconized it as rabies. : Thank you, Dr. Yosho. : Expert diagnosis. I guess Tenchi's been rabid for years. Yosho knew what he had to do. He rushed Tenchi with a speed that was blinding. Tenchi did nothing but pull what he had behind his back out into view. It was a Colt 45 with a seclincer on it!! : Oh my God! He has a seclincer on it! Not a seclincer! What's a seclincer? Tenchi pulled the trigger 8 times. Yosho's body was thrown back into the wall and he bled to death. When he died Tenchi spit in his face. : The Amazing Ray! Thrill as he takes the past tense...and turns it into the present! Watch him make all semblance of sanity disappear! : The Amazing Ray will be on tour until the cops bust him for his many criminal offences. Most of which involve children. Tenchi took the body and threw it into the lake giggling the whole time. It was time to take care of Ryoko that fucking whore. Tenchi giggled and his headache got worse. : Well, life imitates art, and I have a headache, too. Ryoko was watching her favroite soap opera when Tenchi found her. He was careful not to let her see him sneaking into the kitchen to get his "toy". : A twelve-inch long double-sided... : Duo... : Uh, knife! : Wait, that's what I thought you were going to say! What did you have in mind? : Uh...nothing. He reached into the drawer and grabbed an ivory handle butcher knife. It could cut through bone with one full swing and not have any trouble. : Alright, bone! I don't want any trouble outta you. Just hand over the money and you'll be out of jail by to-marrow. : Ugh. Puns. : Yeah, and "Cyrus, as Knife"? What the hell is that? : Look, are we MSTing the fic, or are we MSTing me? 'Cause if you start MSTing me, I'll begin quoting bible passages, and we'll all be in some shit. He climbed inside a cabnet and called Ryoko's name. Ryoko heard him and said : "Why the fuck are you calling me from a cabinet?" "Coming my cuddle muffin." She came into the kitchen and was puzzled. She could of swore that Tenchi had called her name from in here. She turned to leave when a can of carrots fell in front of her. She looked up...... The last thing she saw was the light glinting off the blade of the knife. The knife went into the top of her skull and cleaved it in two. : You know, I like to think that Ryoko's a little faster than that. Also, can't she regenerate? Leaving the blade buried in her neck Tenchi dragged her into Washu's Lab. He left her in a very naughty poisiton on top of Sasami. : "poisiton". Now, I'm pretty sure that has to be a typo. : He'd better hope it's a typo for "positron", for his sake. : What are you talking about? It's obviously "position". You know, like missionary, or... : Duo, I am going to kill you in about three seconds. : ...cardinal, or pope. I was talking about positions in the Catholic church. What'd you think I was talking about? : Shut up. Tenchi was now coughing up blood as he came up with his plan to kill that air headed slut Mishoshi. He giggled and left. : For good. At least, I wish. Mishosi was watching tv in her room when she felt the cloth being pressed against her mouth. Breathing in the colorform she passed out. She woke up tied spread eagled on her bed with the corpses of Sasami and Ryoko on top of her. She tried to scream but her mouth was duct taped shut with some sort of hose in there. : I swear to god, I'll kill you, Duo. : Dammit, I didn't even get to open my mouth! : Heh, but Mihoshi did, to accept the "hose". : Thanks for covering for me. : Screw it. I'm just going to kill myself. Tenchi was standing there and said " Now we are going to see if you are really an airhead." He reached over and turned on the air compresser and air started to fill up her mouth. : Oh, it's a play on words. Here's another one: Ray Moore is a cock sucking bastard. : That wasn't exactly a play on words, you know. : I know, but it certainly felt good to say it. She started to cry and her eyes started to buldge out from the air pressure. Finally her head couldn't take any more and it exploded. Tenchi was covered in brains which he ate because they were tastey. : I don't even want to know how he knows that. : He doesn't. They're actually kind of salty. : Cyrus, how big is the sweatdrop on my head? : Big enough to drown a small child. : What? I ordered pig brains at a restaurant one time, to see what they tasted like. This is why I stay quiet a lot of the time. Now to get that ass hole Ryo-Oki. Tenchi giggled and went back to Sasami's room. Ryo-Oki was asleep when Tenchi found her. He picked her up and slammed her up against the dart board. He took a couple of darts that were lying on the table and jammed them into her ears pinning her to the board. (Duo, Kiyone, and Ken all scream in horror and curl up into the fetal position) : What's with them? : Oh, it's a "Washu Teaches Ryo-Ohki A Lesson" flashback. They happen fairly rarely. Usually brought on by some sort of violence against cabbits. Don't worry, they'll come out of it in a second. Don't touch Ken, either. He bites. Ryo-Oki was now crying like only she can and Tenchi ripped out het vocial cords. He then got the rest of the darts and played a little game. : Let me guess...darts? : I wonder if they're shaped like carrots. (Duo, Kiyone, and Ken all scream again, even louder, and begin shivering) What? What did I do? : Well, the carrot is the primary weapon in that fic. : Anything else I should know about? : Well, don't mention exploding heads. (Duo, Kiyone, and Ken increase their volume again) Oops, too late. He hit her three times in the heart and thankfully she died. Tenchi's dark mission was almost done all he had to do is kill Ayeka and he would have his revenge. : For what? Hitting on him? He giggled of course and threw up. Then he left. : He giggled and threw up. Of course. Ayeka was in the hot springs when he found her. She was thinking of a way to(you guessed it) to get into Tenchi's pants. : Actually I guessed she was trying to figure out how to kill the author of this shitty fic. Does that mean that I lose? All Tenchi had to do was replace the saki she was drinking with sfurlic acid and the job was done. : Hey, if you rearrange the letters in the word "sfurlic", you get "slurfic"! : So? : Well, isn't that a pretty good name for this type of fic? It's pretty much just a giant slurring of the character's personalities until they do insane things that no one would want to read about. When she took a drink her throat was eaten out and she bled to death. : Whew, I'm back. And just in time. When did Tenchi replace the sake with sulfuric acid? : Hey, did someone say "eaten out"? : What? Did Duo say something perverted? : Well, I guess we know how to snap them out of comas. Tenchi giggled and dragged her body to the others and set them on fire. Tenchi was having fun until his heart exploded because of the rabies. He died with a smile on his face and someones arm in his hand. : His heart exploded because of the rabies? What is with rabies in this story? It causes him to go insane, and causes his heart to explode? I think my head's about to explode from this crap. The Moral? The Moral is ....I can't think of one so leave me alone! : Oh, you wish we would leave you alone. You'll see. I already know exactly what we're going to do to you. The End Story by: Ray Moore Tenchi and others are copyrighted by Pioneer all rights reserved. Tell me what you think at Goku89@juno.com. : Oh, I think we can tell you what we think like this: YOUR STORY SUCKS, YOU ASSHOLE! ________________________________________________________________________________ AND NOW, A FICTIONAL INTERVIEW WITH THE AUTHOR OF THAT PIECE OF SHIT: NOTE: This is not libel because all of the statements Ray says, he has used before. In the two stories he has written. That's what is going to make it so damn funny. Also, that legal stuff might be incorrect, but fuck it. Also, screw that bastard Ray Moore. He's a cocksucking son of a bitch, who doesn't know shit about writing and Tenchi, and he just uses this story as a way to vent his pent-up anger, probably from hiding his homosexuality. That fucker. -Duo Maxwell, legal consultant (Ray and Cyrus are seated at a comfy, Conan O'Brian style set. Cyrus is behind the desk with a few note cards, and Ray is sitting in the chair next to the desk. I don't have a good description of Ray, but I'll make an educated guess and say he's a fourteen-year-old loser. Although that doesn't really help his physical description, you might want to look and see if I ever said a was giving his physical description.) : Ray, it's nice to have you here, except for the whole aura of uncompromising evil, but we can get over that, can't we? : DAMNITALL PEOPLE WASHU IS SPELLED WITH ONE FREGGIN U!!!!!!!!!!!!! : Yes, I think you made that point when you wrote your story... what was it called? : Washu's Name Is Spelled With One 'U' Damnit. : Yes, that's right. Anyway, we have a bet going on here. We all think your mother was a heroin addict. Were we right? : Yep she shook like a vibrator if she didn't shoot up every 6 hrs. : Yes, that's what we thought. Anyway, speaking of vibrators, you have a new gay buddy who you wrote one of these stories with. Just out of curiosity, was it difficult sneaking past your mom to your room to have gay sex? : He was careful not to let her see him sneaking into the kitchen to get his "toy". : Yes, that was your friend Steve. When you wrote your story, "Washu's Name Is Spelled With One 'U' Dammit Even When The Author Is A Stupid Fuck Like Ray Moore", what was it like to finish? What did you do when the story was finally complete? : Giggled some more and felt a wave of light headness come over. : Anyway, back to your friend, Steve. What were the conversations between you two like when you were writing the story? Give us a random quote, if you could. : Honey I got the soap for a even better time. : Well, I wasn't really asking about the sex, but you brought it up. Anyway, I was wondering if you could give us an insight to some of your friend Steve's personal code. What sort of rules does he live by? : Don't shit where you eat. : A good lesson. : He quickly rejected it. : Ah, I see. I guess he must have thrown up and created this story. It smells of puke and is still a pile of shit. Speaking of shit, we were talking about your little gay turd-burgling friend. When you two have sex, is it romantic? What's your attitude? : That's kind of a gay question. : It sets up a good joke, though. Ray, what's your answer? : Just take it like a man and get going. : Really. I was just wondering. : It wasn't worth it. : Oh, shut up. I understand there was some tragedy within your acclaimed writing team, the one that collaborated with you on that shitty Washu thing. What happened? : Screwed to death. : Well, it was pretty shitty to have you on, Ray. Any last words? : And always remember the chickens are planning a revolt so kill all you see. : Well, those were certainly predictable last words. Nonsensical, unfunny, and pointless, they summarize Ray Moore perfectly. (Ken shoots the fictional Ray in the head. There is a satisfying pop as his head explodes. The bullet must have been made from a carrot.) : I did say those were you LAST words, didn't I? We'll see you next time, in another fictional interview, possibly with Mr. Sinister! (The fanfic alert goes off, and everyone runs out of the room and into the theater. There are a few moments of silence, then Wormon walks into the room. He looks around, then jumps up onto the desk.) : It's the Worrrr-mooooon shoooooow! Starring me! Worrrrrr-mooooooooonnn! (Mercifully, the stage goes dark and Wormon's voice fades out. Two bright red lights float through the darkness, stopping in the middle.) : Why is it so dark? Are we early? : We're probably late. Somebody took their time getting the ship. : Look, you try to get Ayeka to let us borrow the Ryu-oh next time. I hope we're not late. We have to introduce the sketch. : Well, I'm sure if we just sit here in the darkness, someone will show up and help us out. : Hey, do you hear singing? : IT'S THE WOOOOOORRR-MOOOOONNNNNN SHOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!! (There is a loud shattering noise and the two lights go out.) ________________________________________________________________________________ DAMNITALL PEOPLE WASHU IS SPELLED WITH ONE FREGGIN U!!!!!!!!!!!!! : Well, already this story has a problem. Washuu is an acceptable spelling of Washu. Perhaps you should study your romanji before you smear ignorance all over yourself and run naked down the streets of stupidity. : Damn nice metaphor, Ken. if your gonna spell it with more than one use 15!!!!!! : However, Washuuuuuuuuuuuuu...how many is that? : Uh, thirteen. : Close enough. Well, it isn't correct at all. the moral to this story is 'friends don't let friends spell washu with 2 u's' : Let's take a quick poll. Who is in favor of spelling Washu with two u's for every MST from here on out? : Aye. : Aye. : Aye. : Aye. : Cool. My favorite character is Washuu. Washuu, Washuu, Washuu. and remember....i take no responsability for any complexes this story may give you.... but please do enjoy it...... : I honestly doubt we will. Unless it's a suicide note. Washu's Name Is Spelled With One 'U' Damnit : Well, I'm sick of schooling this guy's ass in grammar. You want to make out, Misato? : WHAT? : Sorry, my ego expands when I point out grammatical errors. It's a weird little quirk of mine. Ryoko woke up one morning and scratched her head. Today was the day. "Man I have to get Tenchi down to his new job as a drug tester or we won't get any money." : Of course we need Tenchi to test drugs in order to make money. It's not like there are any other ways to make money, like jobs or anything. What Ryoko told Tenchi when she got him the job was that they needed money for food and repairs on the house. : Food? And repairs? For the house? No way. The real reason was Ryoko's 5,000 dollar a day heroin habit. What everyone didn't know was that Ryoko was a needle freak. : For some reason, it seems like that would explain a lot. Although I'm pretty sure Washuu would know, what with her psychic link and all. Yep she shook like a vibrator if she didn't shoot up every 6 hrs. : I can't imagine how this author came to be an expert on addiction. : He probably did the research while he was studying rabies. So she went into Tenchi's room and woke him up. "Time to get up for your new job. You don't want to be late." Tenchi looked up with his eyes half shut, "Ok Ryoko just leave the room so I can change." So Ryoko left. : ...any pretense of sanity behind her. Anyway it was time for her little 'Friend' to come by. : I guess she's probably pretty irritable. : I'm always irritable when my "friend" comes to visit. : Your life must be one giant period, then. She went into the bathroom and took off her shirt. She made a needle materialize out of thin air and her white powder. : Despite Ryoko's impressive repertoire of powers, I don't think that she can create objects out of thin air and white powder. : By the way, who created Ryoko? : Washuu, of course. Washuu, Washuu, Washuu. She took a spoon from out of the cabinet that was hidden behind some towels and bent it. Putting the powder in the spoon she heated it up using her power. Within minutes it was a clear liquid and she poured it into the needle. Then she lifted up her right breast revealing a series of needle marks. The needle pierced her skin and she injected the contents into her body. Immediately she started to feel better. : Thank you for that excellent look into the life of a crack addict. : It's almost like he's an expert on the subject. : Well, I'm sure he learned it while he was working at a detox center. : Yeah, right. And by the way, Washuu! Tenchi knocked on the door startling her. Everything disappeared and her shirt materialized around her body. : In the previous story, Ryoko couldn't evade a butcher knife. In this one she can create and destroy matter. I'm noticing a bit of inconsistency. She came out and put her arms around Tenchi. "So are you ready for your new day at work?" "Really are you sure a drug tester is the only job that was open? I mean couldn't of you found me a job without the threat of personal harm to me? Like burger flipper or a seal clubber or a porn star. : Cyrus, the cliché, please? : That's so funny I forgot to laugh. : Thank you. WASHUU! Anything would be better." "Oh quit your whining you little wuss" Ryoko said and pushed him gently, "Just take it like a man and get going." They went downstairs and she walked him to the door. "Have a good day," she said and pushed him out the door. : Apparently she meant, "Have a good day, and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out." I've used that line before. She waited a few minutes when she came to a realization..... there might be some really neat drugs at the doctor's office. : Drugs? At a doctor's office? Surely you jest. "Screw this heroin habit, I'm going for the big time drugs." : Yeah, like Advil, Tylenol, Robitussin, Pepto-Bismol. : The hard-core stuff. Did I mention Washuu? She ran out the door and into the clear blue day. : Blue skies, smiling at me. : Have I ever told you to never, ever, sing? : Probably. I think Washuu has, too. She made it to the office where Tenchi was supposed to be at and went inside. She walked around until she found a room where she found what she was looking for. : A man? Tenchi was sitting in a room in his underwear alone. : Nevermind. "Hey......" Ryoko thought, "This might be a good chance to get Tenchi's Big Johnson." : HAHAHA! He called a penis a "Big Johnson"! That doesn't ever get old. Oh, wait, it did. Nevermind. She went on in and tried to put her hand down his pants. "Hey Ryoko what are you doing?" Tenchi asked. : You'll never get past my chastity belt, you know. But before she had a chance to answer a nurse walked in with a tray of pills. 'Ok kid you get to pick what you want to try...' : Two! Two! : One! One! : Um, gee, I don't know. Two? One? : I know! Let's shut up so we can finish this fic. The nurse told Tenchi. 'Here this one!!!' Ryoko cut Tenchi off as she picked up a multi-colored pill and shoved it into Tenchis mouth. : What's wrong? It isn't doing anything. : Let's see, that one was supposed to decrease sex drive. : Well, that explains it. 'Ok the phobia drug....' The nurse said as she scribbled down some notes on her notepad. : This drug causes phobias? So if I wanted to, I could give Duo sesquipedalophobia with a pill? : What the hell? I don't want seskupeda-whatever! : Nevermind. I guess he already has it. 'So uhhhhhh...hey when do I get paid???' Ryoko whispered to the nurse. 'Only if he lives...' The nurse responded. 'Oh damn...' : I was trying to kill him and make money. Suddenly Tenchi started to convulse violently as he fell on the floor, then he jumped up and kissed Ryoko!!! 'Wow!!!' Exclaimed Ryoko. : He does have something resembling a sex drive! Then Tenchi gently sat Ryoko down in a chair and took her clothes off, after witch he continued to caress her body gently. Ryoko was becoming very exited now! : He was becoming very exited? So she was leaving? Finally Tenchi started rubbing Ryokos neck. The whole time the nurse kept taking notes. : And pictures, and videotape, not to mention the webcam... Suddenly Tenchis neck started to twitch and the last thing Ryoko saw was a bulging vein on his forehead before he pulled the space pirates head clean off, or not so clean. : Well, make up your mind! Either it was clean, or it wasn't. : And then there were eight. The nurse finished the notes and told Tenchi to come back tomorrow for more. "Hmmmmmmmm....... I'll just have Mihoshi drive me." : Yeah, Mihoshi drives me...INSANE! : What the hell is wrong with you, Kiyone? Tenchi went home and slept, the next morning Mihoshi came over and picked Tenchi up. 'This was really nice of you Mihoshi! Since Ryoko signed me up for this I have to finish the week of drugs out.' : Unless they have a contract, Tenchi, you don't have to take dangerous, mind-altering drugs just because you wrote your name down on a sign-up sheet. And even then, you could probably get out of it, seeing as how they've caused you to commit a murder. Tenchi explained. 'It's no problem Tenchi! Really!' She giggled as she peeked over and wondered to herself, You guessed it..... : How they get the Teflon to stick to the pan? : Why we drive on parkways and park in driveways? : How Duo from Gundam Wing can be so incredibly sexy and cool? : Why the British call cigarettes "fags"? : Why she's picking up Tenchi when she can't drive and they both live in the same house anyway? How to get Tenchi's Big Johnson!!!! : Oh. When they arrived they didn't even wait, Tenchi and Mihoshi went straight back and into the same room. Tenchi was told to strip all of his clothes and Mihoshi refused to leave then. : You know, does he really have to be naked for this? I mean, I don't have to strip naked to get my teeth examined at the dentist. 'Ok take your pick...' The same choice of pills and the same nurse. Tenchi grabbed a random pill and suddenly wondered why he was asked to strip! Why was he asked to strip anyway??? : It took him this long to figure it out? Suddenly it was as if he would read everyone's mind, The nurse was thinking to herself how impressive Tenchi was and Mihoshi was wondering if he had God in his pants. : Let's see, we've got some string, lint, a few crayons, keys, wallet, mace...nope, no God. Suddenly the voices got louder and louder, and then Tenchi ran over and grabbed one of the doctors packages of gauze and rammed it down the nurses throat suffocating her without even thinking twice. : Or once, for that matter. Then he walked over to Mihoshi who was quite frightened now and just stood in front of her. Mihoshi didn't move, suddenly Tenchi grabbed her by the breasts and threw her onto the exam table where he put her feet into the bracers and tore off all of her clothes. : What sort of insane medical group is this? We've got telepathy pills, phobia pills, and examination tables better suited to an alien spacecraft than a doctor's office. Is this the goddamn drug company that Louis works for on the Drew Carey Show? Tenchi was now chanting what she wanted to hear, "I've got God in my pants!" : Yeah, and it's getting damn uncomfortable in here! Could you at least crack the zipper? : You know you're going to hell for that. : Yeah, but it was worth it. over and over. Mihoshi who was quite excited now began fondling her body trying to further turn Tenchi on. : Yeah, it's always a turn-on when a guy starts to rape me immediately after choking a nurse to death in front of my eyes. Tenchi quickly grabbed all of the surgical instruments he could find and started ramming them into Mihoshi who soon blead to death. : And then there were seven. Tenchi then left and when he got home asked Kyone to give him a ride tomorrow. The next day it was a new nurse (what else the old one is dead!!!) and the same selection of pills. : HE KILLED A NURSE! PERHAPS YOU SHOULD STOP LETTING HIM INTO YOUR LABS, YOU IDIOTS! This time Tenchi was drooling while picking at the pills, he managed to pop one into his mouth and put most of the rest in his pockets while Kyone flirted with he nurse. : Here we go again. : What? : Aren't you pissed that you're being represented as a lesbian? : Well, usually. But this nurse is kind of cute. All the sudden when he looked at Kyone he saw a monster, continuously changing shapes and colors. So Tenchi did the only humane thing.... : He beat his own head in with a tire iron. : I wish he'd go after Ray Moore. And you too, Steve. he found the closest metal pipe and beat Kyone's brains in. He kept hitting her until the steel pole was so far buried into his skull it was irremovable. : And the nurse just stood there and watched this happen? I'm starting to think that this is less a clinic and more of a drug and prostitution ring that operates out of an office building. : And then there were six. Tenchi giggled insanely and went home. The next day him and Sasami walked to the doctors office together. : Why does Sasami need to go with him? How did that happen? : I'm off to test some more drugs Sasami. Every time I've been there, I've killed somebody. One time I killed two people! : I have no sense of pattern recognition! Let's go! When they got there Sasami hid behind a curtain to watch as Tenchi got undressed for the tests, with her hand up her little dress she was wondering...yah yah yah we all know by now... : She was wondering how to kill the author of this fic. How to get his Big Johnson!!!! After Tenchi popped the pill marked 'Anti-Vampirism' : Is vampirism that big of a problem in Japan that they need to research drugs to counteract it? : We should be working on 'anti-tentacle' pills. Sasami decided to suprise him while the nurse took the pills away and walked out from behind the curtain totally naked. : She's saying, "Surprise! This author thinks I'm a slut!" : Probably because the authors want to sleep with her. Tenchi quickly looked over and grinned, he walked over and grabbed her feeling her young body all over just before he bit into her neck and sucked all of her blood out. : I think they might need to work a little harder on the anti- vampirism formula. : And then there were five. The next morning Tenchis testing was over, but he still had some pills he'd stolen from the other day. He popped one labeled 'Viagra' just before Ayeka brought him his morning tea. : So they're testing drugs that have already been approved by the FDA? : What'll Tenchi try next? Aspirin? 'Hey Ayeka....commere!!!' Tenchi ordered uniting her robes. 'Ohh lord Tenchi!' Ayeka yelled as his hand slid up her leg. : I bet that's not the only thing sliding up her leg. Tenchi and Ayeka were soon in his bed with clothes on the floor and Ayeka wondering how she got Tenchi's Big Johnson?!?! : What's with the indecisive punctuation? Either it's an exclamation, or a question. Not both. After the climax had come and gone Ayeka was screaming and Tenchi still going. 'NO STOP TENCHI ENOUGH I CANT TAKE ANY MORE!!!!!!' Ayeka yelled. 'TOO BAD BITCH!!!!!!! HERES ALL THE SEX YOU EVER WANTED YOU LITTLE WHORE!!!!' Tenchi yelled at her. : I didn't know that viagra was *that* effective. Before long Ayeka had died, screwed to death. : And then there were four. Then Tenchi left the body in his bed and popped a handful more pills. 'Hmmmmmmmmmm what next???' He wondered. He started walking aimlessly around the house totally naked until he came to the kitchen where he picked up a potato peeler and a bottle of bleach. : Ooooh...kinky. Thats when his dad got home. 'TENCHI!!!! show some decency son!!! theres ladies in this house now!' Were Nobukis last words before Tenchi took the potato peeler to his fathers face. Peeling to the BONE!!!!!! : He's BAD TO THE BONE! : And then there were three. Then he grabbed the ivory hilted BUTTER-KNIFE!!! : This guy just doesn't hate Tenchi and everyone who reads his fics, he hates elephants, too! He took the butter-knife and the bleach and left the room. He shoved the last of his pills in his mouth and quickly searches his pockets for more. 'DAMN I'M OUT!!!!!!' :...of my fucking mind for being in this shitty fic! 'hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..............' Tenchi said as he got a maniacal grin on his face. 'Oh Washu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Tenchis innocent sounding voice rang out in the scientists lab. 'Yes Tenchi???' Washu with one U Answered. : Oh, good. I thought it was someone we liked, like Washuu. 'Do you have any of those experimental drugs here???' He Answered. All the sudden his eyes bulged out of their sockets (which is unusual for an anime character) : Was that sarcasm? I didn't think this guy could understand concepts like that. as he saw Washu with the biggest bong he ever saw in the middle of her lab, she was using a baseball bat to pack the weed. 'DEAR GOD WASHU THATS A LOTTA CANNABIS!!!!!!' He called it that because he was still half high on the pills. : So he called it by its scientific name when he was high? Does this mean that you do become more enlightened by drugs? 'Well help me will ya???' Washu yelled at him as she stuffed more weed into the bong. Tenchi grinned wildly as he snuck up behind the mad scientist and got his lighter out of his pocket. : That fiend! He's going to mildly burn her to death! 'Sure Washu, with one U, I'll help you....' Suddenly Tenchi beaned Washu, with one U, upside the head with the baseball bat and threw her into the bong with the weed. : Boy, it's a good thing he didn't do this to the likable Washuu, with two U's. : And then there were two. Tenchi then light the bong up and started smoking. Later after 98 pounds of weed and one mad scientist named Washu, with one U, Tenchi went to find his grandpa, his dear old loving grandpa. : What the hell is with the drugs and the violence? I swear to God I think my head's about to explode from the sheer idiocy! : Maybe you should chew on something to lower the pressure. Want a carrot? 'Hey grandpa....' Tenchi yelled as he stumbled into the shrine where his grandpa was smoking his pipe. : You see, my dear Tenchi, the author of this fic prefers the Washu spelling with one "U". Therefore, when I combine that with the fact that he has an obsession with violence and drugs, not to mention his atrocious spelling I can easily deduce that he is... : Having gay sex with his co-author. 'Hey wait a second....that isn't tabaco.....GRANDPA YOU'VE GOT (yep you guessed it....WEED!!!!). wow grandpa I didn't know you got smoked up...' Tenchi giggled and tried to take the pipe to get a hit but his grandpa clubbed him upside the head with his wooden sword. : You know, I have to admire anyone who can maintain enough neutrality to allow this fic to be posted. And yet, I'm enraged. GenSao, I both love and hate you. : Who? : Oh, sorry. I was possessed by the author of this MST. 'Come on grandpa....I want a hit!!!!' Tenchi yelled. 'mmmmm...NO!!!!!!!' His grandfather yelled back at him. 'Damnit grandpa gimmie some weed!!!' 'mmmmm...NO!!!!!!!' His grandfather repeated. 'Thats it!!!!! Die you old fart!!!!!' Tenchi exclaimed as he jumped behind his grandfather and slit his throat with the butter-knife quickly grabbing the pipe and smoking it all. : I want to laugh at his throat being slit by a BUTTER knife, but I'm afraid that it might be an intentional joke. However, since it didn't involve drugs, I'll assume it wasn't. : And then there was one. Tenchi smiled having killed everyone in his family and decided to have a cookout. He gathered up Washu with the one 'U' , his father, Ayeka, and grandfather. : Maybe he'll have them stuffed! With my cock! : What the hell was that, Duo? : Sorry, it just slipped out. : Yeah, well my GP-issue blaster is about to "slip" out of its holster. And we only need four for a good MST team. : I'll be good. He threw them on a big grill he made in the garden and cooked them all to a golden brown. : Now I've got a Yosho I threw on the grill a few hours ago already over here, and it should be just about done. He enjoyed his meal but he didn't have anything to drink. He went into the kitchen and saw the bottle he had brought in there and took a big swig. "Mmmmmmmmm......... nummy." was the last thing he said. : And then there were none. The last thing Tenchi saw before he died was clean freshly bleached floors and something white and pasty coming out of his mouth. : I hope it's not the same white and pasty stuff coming out of Steve's mouth, Ray. And I think you know what I mean. And the moral is............ Washu's name is spelled with only one 'U' Damnit! Get it straight or a plague of locusts will rain down upon you from the heavens. : Actually, the moral of this story is "Study romanji before you make an ass out yourself by going around trying to prove that you really, really, really, are in love with your co-author." Ok people here we go again...... It's me Ray! This isn't the first time I have written a story like this and have it put on here but for my friend it is. : Say hello to my little friend. And when I say little, I mean little. Like, microscopic. His name is Steve and he wrote me after reading 'What the Hell Is This' Wanting to co-write a story with me and this is what we came up with. : You mean, "What the Hell Is This" with drugs? At least Alienboy52 and AAA-PhuckNut vary their plots. As usual Send your comments to me at Goku89@juno.com and be sure to send them also to washu.masaki@mailexcite.com That's Steve's address. And Be sure to visit my website at: http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Palace/6367/ : Ray, your website sucks. Not just because you don't have any content besides inane, misspelled ramblings and animated gif's probably stolen from better sites, but also because you have no design talent at all. Your page looks like someone took a shit all over a floppy disk and uploaded it to geocities. : Speaking of "shit all over a floppy disk", you probably fuck your friend Steve up the ass. : If that weren't aimed at the author, I would probably have just killed you. : Yeah. Well, what can you do? And visit his at: http://www.icontechnical.net And always remember the chickens are planning a revolt so kill all you see. : Yeah, did anyone see "Chicken Run"? That was a damn scary movie. Like when that one chicken took the old lady and put her into the grind... hey, where's everyone going? : The fic's over, Misato. : Well damn, why didn't you tell me? _____________________________________________________________________________ Everybody gathered back in the kitchen for the post-fic analysis, which had become as much an excuse to get plastered to forget the fic than an actual analysis. Cyrus blamed Misato, because she had made it conditional that the refrigerator be constantly stocked with beer or some other form of alcohol, something Cyrus and Ken didn't partake in. Ken because he was underaged, and Cyrus because he was a masochist and liked to think about the fic was a quick way for him to cause immediate and harsh pain to himself. Or so Ken theorized. Ken had a lot of theories, usually developed while the other MSTers were drinking or doing other such things he couldn't participate in because he was too young. For example, he was pretty sure Kiyone was a lesbian. At least, she acted that way when she was drunk, as Ken would catch her taking long glances at Misato's chest. Although that might just have been because Misato wore this crazy T-shirt where the names of colors were written on it, but in different colors than the color that was written. For example, "White" would be written in red, and "Green" would be written in purple, and so forth. Theoretically, that could be very fascinating, especially to a drunk. But Ken figured he might as well call her a lesbian, because he was a guy, and all guys think lesbians are cool. Duo could be a hentai in the theater, but when he was out of the theater and drunk...well, let's just say he usually ended the night with one or two slaps across the face from the female MSTers. And once from Cyrus, but he was REALLY drunk that time. Misato...well, to Ken, Misato was an enigma wrapped in a mystery surrounded by a puzzle enshrouded in an inquiry covered with a question. Every time he developed a theory about Misato, her behavior changed. He wasn't sure, but he could have sworn the author was actually developing her beyond one dimension, as opposed to all of his other characters. "Naaahhhh," Ken said, shaking his head, and he went over to sing a very special rendition of "Cruel Angel Thesis" with a lot of dirty words he shouldn't have learned yet. _____________________________________________________________________________ Thanks to David, Nick, and Jackson, as well as a special thanks to WillZ from #TenchiFF for getting my creative juices flowing so I could work on the intro and cause unreasonable amounts of pain to Duo. If there was anything you didn't like about the intro, blame WillZ. I have a webpage now that I work on with Jackson. http://www.dabrits.co.uk/spacklecube is the URL and it's a real variety site. Commentary on stuff that I think needs it, Jackson does random stuff, and I review bad anime. You should check it out, especially if you like my unique brand of humor. And don't tell me it's not unique, I already know that. But you can tell me other stuff, like what you had for breakfast and how cool I am at my email address, rowsdower@seanbaby.com. Until next time, right? Eyecatch: Yosho was metidating on some wise sayings but he was running out of ideas. "Don't shit where you eat," came to mind but he quickly rejected it.