*DISCLAIMER* Do not sue me because i am poor and have no money. Sorry, I slipped into the crappy lemon style disclaimer for a second. I don't own any of the characters in this fanfic. Kiyone is property of Pioneer and AIC. Duo is property of Sotsu Agency and Sunrise. Ken and Wormon are property of Toei Animation and Saban. The new character whose name I will not yet reveal so as not to spoil the dramatic tension and anticipation, is owned by GAINAX. For the time being, at least...Bwahahahaha! All your base are belong to us! *DISCLAIMER* The HMS Zap Rowsdower. A former experimental Canadian spacecraft, stolen by an unwitting teenage tourist, Cyrus Marriner. It is on this newly acquired spaceship that this young man dedicates himself to one sole purpose...to make the universe a better place. To boldly seek out evil in all of its forms and destroy it with extreme prejudice. Unfortunately, he really doesn't have the time to do all of that, and the ship is really complicated, so he just decides to make fun of really bad Tenchi Muyo fan fiction. Using advanced Canadian technology, Cyrus Marriner reaches into the fabric of time and space and pulls together a crew of individuals who can handle the severe mental strain of reading bad fan fiction. Unless they can't. The lovely crew of the HMS Zap Rowsdower! (Bitching about stuff, as usual) Kiyone Makibi - "What the hell is this new character nonsense?" Duo Maxwell - "This would be a sweeps week event, if we had any." Ken Ichijouji - "I wonder who it could be! This is so exciting!" and the pilot, Wormon - "Cyrus made Ken say that." ____________________________________________________________________________ It was morning on the HMS Zap Rowsdower. Cyrus had just awoken from a really great dream, in which he was making out with Kiyone, and then she turned into an ice cold beer. Which he used to prop up a table leg that for some reason was really short and the beer balanced the table leg perfectly. For some reason he felt really satisfied. Then he woke up. "Dammit," he muttered, "just as it was getting good." He felt a sudden compunction to see Kiyone, although he did not know what drove him. Actually, he was driven by the fact that he needed a good plot device, and seeing Kiyone was a good one. Of course, he didn't know this, because even though he was the physical representation of myself, the author, he didn't know what I was thinking. It's entirely possible I just found mathematical proof that there is a God in that last sentence. But this explanation has gotten way too longwinded. So onward, to the next paragraph. Cyrus walked down the hall to Kiyone's room, and knocked on the door. There was no answer. In true anime style, he opened the door, hoping to catch her in her underwear, or worse. Unfortunately for Cyrus (or perhaps fortunately for him when you consider Kiyone's reaction) there was to be no panty raiding that day. Her room was empty, although her bed had been slept in. Undeterred, Cyrus walked down the hall, stopping outside of Duo's door. This was because he heard two voices coming from inside Duo's room. He quietly cracked open the door, afraid of what he might find. His fears were true, although not in the capacity he imagined. Duo was hunched over a table, playing with two action figures, one of which looked like Heero, and the other of which looked like Relena. "Oh, Heero, I love you!" said Duo in a voice Cyrus hoped was supposed to represent Relena. "I'm sorry, I don't like girls. Now excuse me while I make out with Trowa." This was said by Duo in his Heero voice. From nowhere Duo pulled out a Trowa figurine and pressed its face against the Heero figurine, making kissing noises the whole time. "Oh, but Heero, I love you," Duo spoke in his Relena voice, and tore off the Relena figurine's dress (sold separately) and put her on her knees. "I love you, Heero. Take my body, please!" Duo said. Duo turned the Heero figurine to Relena. "Don't you understand, the only thing I want is Trowa," he said in his Heero voice. After saying that, Duo bent the Trowa figurine over and put it in front of the Heero figurine. At that moment, he heard his door close. "Huh, what was that?" he asked, looking up from his toys. "Oh well, must have been the wind." Cyrus was outside, walking away from Duo's room. He pulled out the clipboard he mysteriously had on his person at all times, and jotted down a note. "Do not ever go into Duo's room. Ever. Period," he read. Cyrus continued on his mystical odyssey to find Kiyone until he reached the lounge. Ken was sitting down, staring straight into space. His left eye was twitching and his hand was sort of shaking. Cyrus didn't notice, however. "Hey Ken, what's up? Did you wake up early?" he asked, oblivious to Ken's condition. "It's not possible." Ken muttered. He had been muttering that over and over again, but Cyrus hadn't noticed. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I always sleep in too." "It's not possible." "Uh, Ken, have you seen Kiyone?" he asked, beginning to notice some of Ken's odd behavior. In response, Ken raised an arm and pointed towards the elevator. "Oh, she's on the bridge!" Cyrus guessed. "Thanks, Ken." "It's not possible." "Yeah, whatever," said Cyrus as he walked to the elevator. Once inside, he hit the "up" button. It was a pretty simple elevator. It was also pretty unnecessary. The bridge was on the floor right above, and the down button led to a set of stairs that led to the lower decks. It did look pretty cool, though. There was a soft chime corresponding to the elevator's arrival at the bridge, and the doors slid open. Standing in front of him was Kiyone, who was quickly buttoning her shirt. Her hair was disheveled, and her headband was slightly askew. She was kind of sweaty. "Uh, hi," said Cyrus. Kiyone had not noticed him, as she was concentrating on buttoning her shirt. She looked up, startled. "What do you want?" she asked. "Uh, I was...er, going, uh, to see...uh, Wormon!" he said. His lack of concentration was due to the fact that Kiyone's top two buttons were not buttoned, giving him a view of Kiyone's breasts. Being a male, he could not concentrate on anything when breasts were in the vicinity. "Well, get out of my way, then." She pushed Cyrus aside and stepped into the elevator. Cyrus was left standing there, mouth agape for a few seconds. After his brain finally sorted itself out, he walked into the main part of the bridge. Wormon was sitting in the command chair, smoking a cigarette. "Did what I think just happened just happen?" Cyrus asked. "Ohhhh yeah, baby," said Wormon, sounding way too much like Isaac Hayes for Cyrus's tastes. Cyrus was about to say something, when Duo's voice echoed throughout the ship. "OWWWW! HE BIT ME, DAMMIT!" Cyrus turned to Wormon. "I'll talk to you later." "Am I in trouble?" Wormon asked. "No, I just want to hear the details." With that, Cyrus hopped into the elevator and went down to the lounge. There, he found Duo, clutching his hand and swearing at Ken, who was sitting staring into space. "Alright, what happened?" Duo paused his stream of expletives to recount the tale to Cyrus. "I came out to ask Ken if he had noticed any strong wind gusts on this completely contained ship. He didn't answer, so I waved my hand in front of his face, and he bit me!" "Hmmm...I don't think Ken can be cleared for duty this week. We'll need a replacement." Cyrus walked over to a large console on one of the walls of the lounge. "I'll just have to bring in a guest MSTer. Fortunately I have one in mind." Cyrus twisted various knobs and dials on the console, then hit a large brown button. There was a bright flash of light blinding everyone for a moment. Duo was the first to regain his vision. "It didn't work. You just got a pile of blankets. And a pile of beer cans." Cyrus raised an eyebrow. "Didn't it?" he asked. Duo looked at him quizzically as he walked over and prodded the pile of blankets with his toe. A loud groan emitted from the pile. Slowly, a purple-haired woman emerged from the pile in her pajamas, looking disheveled. "What happened? Where am I?" she asked. "Oh, I brought you here so we could make fun of really bad Tenchi Muyo fan fiction," Cyrus answered. "Sounds fun," she said. "Can I get ready first?" "No problem. Your stuff should be in the third room to your right." The woman walked down the hall looking for her room. Then the fanfic alarms went off throughout the ship. "Make it quick!" Cyrus hollered after the woman. Then he walked into the theater followed by Duo, who was wondering just what the hell was going on. ____________________________________________________________________________ : Who was that? : Oh, that was Misato Katsuragi. We go way back. I wanted her to be on the original team, but she was bogged down with work at NERV and didn't have the time. (Kiyone walks in) : Sorry, I'm late. I wasn't quite dressed. : Yeah, I know. : Is there something I should know about? : No. : Well, actually you should know that the author of this calls himself Rick "Hackeyman" Schain. In case you want to swear at him or something. Disclaimer: This Fanfic contains Adult content such as naked people hugging, violence, etc. : Violence is adult content now? Has this guy ever watched a cartoon? So it's recommend that your 18 or else you probably won't understand it anyway. : I don't think this guy gives kids enough credit. : I know. I didn't wake up on my eighteenth birthday and magically know everything about sex. Also, I do not own Tenchi Muyo or anything related so please don't sue my ass! : I'm sure no one will sue your ass. : Why not? : Because they'll have to get around where my leg is buried in it up to the knee from kicking it so hard for writing this stupid fic. : We haven't even read the fic yet. : I have. It deserves it. (Misato walks in) : Did I miss anything? : Just the disclaimer. Let me introduce you to the rest of the team. This is Duo, and this is Kiyone. Guys, this is Misato Katsuragi. : Good to meet you. It all started one day, Tenchi woke up to Rhoko jumping on his stomach naked. : "Rhoko?" That's it, I quit. : Come on, we haven't even gotten into it yet. If it gets bad enough, I might take my shirt off. : Alright, I'm back. TENCHI: What the fuck are you doing you crazy bitch? : I'm pretty sure we just established she was jumping on your stomach naked. : I'm really hoping that this is a poor attempt at satire and he doesn't really think that constitutes sex. RHOKO: What? I know you want me Tenchi. TENCHI: No, I don't now GET THE FUCK OFF ME! : Well, unless something drastic has happened since the last time I watched Tenchi Muyo, he's acting a bit out of character. RHOKO: Geez, sorry Tenchi. : ...asshole. Rhoko leaves the room. Tenchi gets up and leaves the room. He immediately hears Ayeka and Rhoko fighting over him again. : Alright, after this drastic personality change, you can have Tenchi! : No, I don't want him anymore! He's an asshole! You take him! AYEKA: What the hell were you doing in Tenchi room? : She was jumping on Tenchi's stomach naked. That just makes me want to cry. RHOKO: None of your goddamn business you dumb slut! : Well, we're getting right into the vicious insults at this point. : I'm starting to get really depressed. That shouldn't happen. I like making fun of bad fics. : What, is this like your 14th fic? : No, it's our 5th. : And you're spirit's almost broken? How bad have these stories been? : Have you ever read anything by Mr. Sinister? AYEKA: I'm not the slut, you are you um...uh...PENNYHOE! : "Pennyhoe." Truly a great Japanese insult. RHOKO: How dare you! Rhoko storms off to her room. : Hold on. Ryoko gets pissed, and then she goes to her room? What universe are we in? AYEKA: Tenchi, Tenchi, I wrote you a song do you want to hear it? : Sure, Ayeka, Ayeka. TENCHI: It's not like I have a choice. : Other than to tell her "no," you're completely right. AYEKA: Ok, here it goes; Hey Tenchi your so fine, your so fine you blow my mind, Hey Tenchi (clap clap, clap clap) Hey Tenchi! : You stupid fuck, that's already a song. TENCHI: You dumb hoe! That's already a song. : Before anyone says anything, I was talking to the author. And he is a stupid fuck. AYEKA: Well SORRRRRRRRRY! : Thanks to Steve Martin for that last line. : Well excuuuuuse meeeee. Ayeka leaves to her room. : So this is supposed to be written like a play, right? : Yeah, Andrew Lloyd Webber it ain't. TENCHI: Man, one of days I'm gonna punch her right in her face! : She'd probably kick your ass. And you're way out of character. Did I mention that? Yosho runs into the room wearing nothing but a skirt that is way too short. : Is this one of these nonsensical stories like AAA-Phucknut or Alienboy52 writes? : I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought you in for one of these. YOSHO: TIM-MY! : Oh, joy. South Park. Pardon me if I don't applaud. Yosho then runs up to Tenchi and shoves his hard erection into Tenchi ass, ripping his pants. Being the fag that Tenchi is it only took him about 10 seconds to cum all over his pants. A few seconds Yosho cums in Tenchi's ass. : Hmmm...for somebody who doesn't seem to understand the physics of heterosexual lovemaking, he seems to have gay sex down pretty good. : Are you implying something? : No. Of course not. Well, yes. : Cyrus, can we keep her? Yosho runs away screaming TIM-MY leaving Tenchi surprised but still pleased. Seconds after that Washu runs in the room. WASHU: Tenchi! Have you seen Yosho? : Well, I didn't really see him, but he was behind me. TENCHI: Yeah he went over there. : Oh, over there! Thanks! I'll just go over "there" and find him. Perhaps you could be more specific? WASHU: I was trying to make a never aging pill, but instead in turns people into a perverted and horny version of Timmy from South Park. : That seems like kind of a colossal screw-up there. : Yeah, I would never have imagined that the components of a never aging pill would be so close to the components of a pill that turns people into a perverted and horny version of Timmy from South Park. TENCHI: Let's find him! Tenchi and Washu run after him. : Run, Tenchi and Washu, run! YOSHO: TIM-MY! : URKEL! : LUCY! : WASHU! : McCLOUD! WASHU: It came from outside! : It came from OUTSIDE! Tenchi and Washu saw Yosho outside with his dick shoved up Rho-ohkie's ass. : If it can fit in Ryo-Ohki's ass, Yosho must not be very well endowed. : Like grandfather like grandson. RHO-OHKIE: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! : Yes, that's right Ryo-ohki. This story does reek. YOSHO: TIM-MY! Yosho cums so hard it shoots Rho-ohkie 10 feet in the air and she lands in a mud puddle. : A sad, and far too late attempt at slapstick comedy. WASHU: Get away from her you sick pervert! : You know, that's hardly fair. You are the one who created a pill that turns people into a horny and perverted version of Timmy from South Park. YOSHO: TIM-MY! TENCHI: I'm going in my room. : A good choice, the way this story's going. Tenchi goes back inside and sees Noboyuki on the couch. : I take that back. NOBOYUKI: What happened to you, you look like a mess! TENCHI: Your father in-law raped me. : Yeah, I just read this story by some sick freak named Rick Schain, and it raped me. Mentally, at least. NOBOYUKI: Are you ok? TENCHI: To tell you the truth, I liked it, A LOT! NOBOYUKI: REALLY! Well do you like this? Noboyuki stands up then takes off his pants. TENCHI: WOW, Noboyuki, you're so...BIG! : Your gut, that is. Your penis is really small. NOBOYUKI: I know, now suck my COCK! Tenchi gets on his knees and starts his dick sucking incest. : This story reads like one giant gay Freudian slip. : He slipped so hard he probably broke his neck. NOBOYUKI: OHHHHHHHHHHHH! Here it COMES! : Pun or not? You be the judge. Noboyuki cums so much in Tenchi mouth he chokes on it and dies a couple minutes later (hey, I don't like Tenchi the character, I think he's kind of a retard, no offense to anyone). : Except Tenchi, maybe. : Ooh, ooh! I have one! : What? : I think Rick "Hackeyman" Schain is a fucking fag, no offense to anyone. NOBOYUKI: Uh oh! : Better get Maaco! Noboyuki runs in his room. Just after that Rhoko and Ayeka walk in the room (not fighting believe it or not). : I refuse to believe it. : As do I. : Of course. Ryoko and Ayeka never do anything but fight. AYEKA: Oh my god! Tenchi is dead! : In the interest of keeping with the stupid theme of this story: You bastards! RHOKO: Now we have nothing to fight about! AYEKA: I know; I might as well become a lesbian now! : I think that's some flawed reasoning. : Hey, I think I'm starting to like this fic. : Don' make me hit you. RHOKO: Yeah, me too. : Just jump on the bandwagon, ladies. Rhoko and Ayeka look at each other then start to kiss. Rhoko rips off Ayeka's shirt and starts to lick her breasts. : Is this the passionate lemon scene? : Yeah, it is. : A little fast, isn't it? AYEKA: I always had a secret crush on you. : I just hid it under the pretense of being straight, hating you, and loving Tenchi. I'm surprised you didn't catch on. Rhoko inserts her finger into Ayeka's pussy and starts to massage her clit. AYEKA: OHHH, AHHH! : Wow, this is passionate. YOSHO: TIM-MY! RHOKO: What the fuck was that? : It was all of the plot that you missed while being out of this worthless fic. Don't worry about it. Yosho runs into the room. YOSHO: TIM-MY! All of a sudden the perved out Yosho falls to the ground with a carrot shoved up his ass. : I really hope this doesn't become a Ryo-Ohki sex scene. : (shudders) I'm scared. Misato, will you hold me? : Mabye later. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, grin, grin, say no more. : Come on, let's hurry up and finish this! AYEKA: What was that all about? : My sentiments exactly. Then they see Rho-ohkie standing there with a happy look on his face. THE END : I have no idea if we were supposed to laugh at that last joke. : Is there another one? : Yeah, but I think we should take a break first. That's what I like to do with these double features. (Cyrus and Misato leave) : Yeah, we have a short story and he lets us take a break. But we sit through twenty pages of Gene Mesaki and not a single rest. : He's soft on the new chick. : Why isn't he soft on me? : I think she has an intangible quality that can only be described as "breasts". : Duo, just because I'm still a little down from that awful fic doesn't mean I won't kick your ass. : Also, everyone thinks you're a lesbian. That doesn't help, either. : That's it, Duo. I'm going to kick your ass. ____________________________________________________________________________ (The view fades in on a stage in an undisclosed location of the ship. Azaka and Kamidake are on the sides of the stage.) : Hi, we're back! We want to once again thank you for reading the first part of this special MST double feature! : Absolutely! And now, the crew of the HMS Zap Rowsdower have prepared a performance for your viewing pleasure until the second story begins! Isn't that right, Azaka? : Yes, it is! I'm certainly glad that I now know that I am Azaka and you are Kamidake! It helps! : Yes it does! And now, our feature presentation! : Actually, the MST is the feature presentation. This is more like a short sketch. : Look, do I need to kick your ass all over again? : Nevermind. (The two logs float off of the stage, and the curtain rises. There are three podiums on the stage, and another podium off to the side, sort of like Jeopardy, but not enough like Jeopardy for lawsuit purposes. In fact, forget I said anything. Misato, Duo, and Kiyone are standing at the three podiums, in that order, and Cyrus is standing at the lone podium. Each has their name written beneath them, like, well, Jeopardy. Alright, I admit it! I ripped off the Jeopardy set! Are you happy now?) : Live, from the studios in the HMS Zap Rowsdower, Guess the Pervert! And now our host, Cyrus Marriner! : Hello, and welcome to Guess the Pervert! Let's go and meet this week's contestants! First up, we have, Misato Katsuragi. Hello, Misato. : Hello, Cyrus. : Misato, what do you do for a living? : Well, I baby-sit fourteen year old children for an government organization called NERV. Right now, I'm on leave, helping you MST bad fanfiction. : I see...and are you sleeping with anyone on your leave? : WHAT?! : Oooh...looks like I hit a NERV! (cheesy laugh track) I'm just kidding, you're great. On to our next contestant...Duo Maxwell! Hello, Duo. : Hello, Cyrus. : And what do you do, Duo? : Well, I'm a Gundam pilot who was abducted by you and forced to read bad fan fiction. : Woah, enough about your sex life! (cheesy laugh track) : What the hell was that supposed to mean? It didn't even make sense! : On to the next contestant, Kiyone Makubi! : Actually, it's Makibi. : Whatever. Anyway, on with the show. For those of you who haven't seen us yet, namely everybody, I'll explain how it works. I'll read a quote, and our contestants will tell me who it's from: Tank Cop, Rick Schain, AAA-PhuckNut, or Alienboy52. And now, our first question. (pulls out a card from his podium) "'Aint no hoes gonna be sendin me to da slamma again!' said Tenchi as he repeatedly shot her lifeless body." (Misato rings in) : AAA-PhuckNut! : Please phrase it in the proper form. : AAA-PhuckNut, that cock-sucking, shit-eating, pervert bastard. : AAA-PhuckNut is correct! : Do we have to use that form? : Yes, we do. : But it really drags out the sketch. : Fine. Just give me the name. : Can we still use the form if we want to? : Yes. Can I get on with the questions, please? : Yes. : Good. (pulls out a card) "Ryo-Ohki then lies tired on Nilly's lap, as Nilly rubs her hands over Ryo-Ohki's fiery bottom, saying how sorry she is." (Kiyone rings in) : I think that's the subtle touch only Tank Cop can provide. : Correct! Next quote, and it should be an easy one: "'Tenchi! You are a loser! You are on a plate of Sashimi,' said the voice." (Duo rings in) : Simple. That's Alienboy52's masterpiece, Tenchi on a Plate of Sashimi. : That is right! However, you get negative three thousand points for giving positive praise to Alienboy52, however sarcastic it was. : How many points is a correct answer worth? : One. And now, the next quote: "But Misao scared out of mind dosen't lissen. 'NO, LET ME GO, HHHEEELLLPPP! PLEASE DON'T RAPE ME! I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING, JUST DON'T RAPE ME!'" (Kiyone rings in) : I'm thinking that's AAA-PhuckNut. : Oh, I'm sorry, but that's incorrect. Anyone else? (Duo rings in) : Yes, Duo! : Did you say negative three thousand points? : Yes I did. And it doesn't matter what you have to say anyway, because you're losing so badly! Anyone else? (Misato rings in) : Was that Tank Cop? : Yes it was! Now the scores are two for Misato, one for Kiyone, and negative two thousand, nine-hundred ninety-nine for loser boy! : Hey! : And the final quote, and it's a tough one: "'It's my turn!' Nobuyuki said. Then he punched Ryoko in the face. She flew strait into the lake." (Duo rings in) : I don't know what the point is, but I'll say it's Rick Schain. : I'm sorry! That lowers your score to negative three thousand points! : Hey, Kiyone didn't lose any points when she answered wrong! : That's your problem, not mine. (Misato rings in) : Alienboy52. : I'm sorry, that is also incorrect. Kiyone? Would you like to guess? : I'll say AAA-PhuckNut. : Ooh! All of you were wrong! It was a trick question, the quote came from that master of ambiguous pedophilia, Mr. Sinister! Well, that's all of our time for this week! I'll see you next week, provided we get in syndication! I'm Cyrus Marriner, saying goodbye, and until next week, Guess the Pervert! : Guests of Name the Pervert stay at the HMS Zap Rowsdower, where they are forced to read bad fanfics against their will. First place receives a wild night of sex with the host, as does second place. Third place receives a savage beating, especially if he points out that this is all just an elaborate plot on the part of the hose to sleep with the other two contestants. (alarm goes off) The Bad Fanfic Alarm means that it's time for part two of our MST double feature. ____________________________________________________________________________ : We don't really have to accept our prizes, do we? : You could, but I'm sure you can't resist my raw sexuality. : I think I could. : You couldn't if it were Mihoshi. : What? : Nothing. : Cyrus, can I forfeit my prize to get in on his savage beating? Disclaimer: This Fanfic contains Adult content so it's recommend that your 18. If you aren't 18 then you probably won't understand it anyway and if you can't read you'll have an even harder time. : Illiteracy tends to make it difficult to read things. Also, I do not own Tenchi Muyo or anything related so please don't sue my ass! All I have is an old skateboard, a cheap computer, and a hacky sack that beads are falling out of. : That's sad. : What? : That some people still own hacky sacks. It's not like you'll sue me anyway. Sorry but I don't have e-mail, but feel free to write to me at: : You don't have email, yet you sent a text file to a website? How convenient. Rick Schain 2033 Stonehaven Dr. Corona, CA 92879 : I'm writing this down. Thank goodness I learned how to make letter bombs as part of my training as a Gundam Pilot. : What the hell sort of training was it? : It wasn't as much Gundam training as it was website. It all started one day, hold on, it might have been the day after that, wait, who cares it doesn't matter. : His mastery of humor has me taken aback. Back to the story. Tenchi woke up on his own today. Which was a shock to him. : Because he had never woken up on his own, even before all of the alien girls had arrived. Sure. I can see that. TENCHI: Wow! What a nice sleep, wait a minute, no one woke me up. He looked at his alarm clock (which he doesn't set cause Ryoko always wakes him up) : By jumping on his stomach naked, apparently. TENCHI: OH MY GOD! It's already 11:30! : I'm late for my indecision lessons! He was surprised at how quiet it was. He walks outside his room to find Sasami walking down the hall. TENCHI: Hey Sasami! SASAMI: Oh, hey Tenchi! TENCHI: Not that I'm complaining, but... : I think I should pause so you can interrupt me. SASAMI: Yes Tenchi? TENCHI: Why is it so quiet this mourning? : Wouldn't you be quiet during mourning, too? I mean just out of respect for the dead. SASAMI: I don't know but Ryoko and Akeka weren't fighting at all today. In fact, I think they're playing tennis outside (if you're asking when they got a tennis court, Washu built it a couple days ago, anyway it's my story and they get to have whatever the fuck I want). : True, it's your story, but it's the fans' continuity, and when you fuck with it, you fuck with them. Tenchi couldn't believe this so he went outside to check it out for himself. There he finds Ryoko and Akeka playing tennis just like Sasami said. : He was suspicious because he knew what a lying bitch Sasami was. TENCHI: Wow, you guys are being nice to each other! AKEKA: Yes, we solved are differences. RYOKO: Yeah, we figured neither one of us is going to get you to put out any time soon. Now we don't have anything to fight about. : What the hell? Did common sense just invade this story? : Yeah, even if it was completely out of character. Ryoko and Akeka start giggling. TENCHI: Wow...ok bye. He almost felt a sort of relief at first. So he decided to take a walk. Just down the way he saw Yosho and Noboyuki playing hacky sack. His new found boredom made him decide to try to play this hacky sack game (I know that they never played hacky sack on the show before but this isn't the show). : That's true. The show had some sense of decency. : And it made some sense. : And it wasn't created by some stupid fuck with too much time on his hands. TENCHI: Hey guys! YOSHO: Hey Tenchi, join the HACK! : Is he talking about the author? Yosho kicks it over to Tenchi. Tenchi tries to kick it to Noboyuki but instead he kicks it into the muddy marsh that was nearby. YOSHO: God damn it Tenchi! That was our only hacky sack! : Good, now you'll stop playing that stupid game for skateboard rejects. : Bitterness, eh? NOBOYUKI: Good going dumb ass! Let's go Dad. As they walk away Noboyuki punches Tenchi right in the face. : That was kind of funny, but probably not for the reason the author wanted it to be. TENCHI: OWWW! Damn it! I miss the girls fighting over me. I'm so bored. Maybe, they like me, and this is all just a trick! I know what I'll do! : I'll slit their throats in a church! Tenchi goes inside and hears Ryoko in the shower. : Oh, Mr. Hackeyman? You missed another thing to explain. Why the hell is she taking a shower? Did you forget that they had an onsen? You stupid fuck. TENCHI: Perfect. Tenchi goes inside the bathroom. He strips completely naked and jumps in the shower. : And slips on the wet tile and breaks his neck. The end. RYOKO: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TENCHI! But before she could finish the sentence Tenchi's small dick was already inside of her. : Maybe she takes showers while incorporeal. RYOKO: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE! : I'm only a super-strong alien woman! I can't ward off this young man! TENCHI: Shut up bitch! I know you like it! : Cyrus, you know what Tenchi's doing to Ryoko? : Yeah, why? : I think this story is doing it to by brain. Ayeka heard this and called 911. : Oh, good. I'm sure calling the American emergency number in Japan will do her so much good. AYEKA: My friend is getting raped right now! Ok, you're on your way, thanks. : Excuse me? This is a pizza delivery service. Ryoko tried to fight back but Tenchi was too strong. : Yeah, sure he is. He's a powerful force of nature. : Look, "Hackeyfag." I think you should just write an original story instead of fucking with characters someone else created. Hell, it would definitely make more sense. A few minutes later police knocked down the door of the bathroom just as Tenchi was cumming. The police grabbed him and threw him on the hard tile floor and started hitting him with nightsticks. : I guess this is why we have Maranda rights, huh? OFFICER1: You sick son of a BITCH! Take this! TENCHI: RODNEY KING! : Rodney King was a Disney Ride compared to this story. Oh, and "Hackeyman," that joke is only six years too late. Maybe you could find something more relevant, you uneducated fuck. : Normally I would be trying to hold Duo in check, but this time I agree with him. OFFICER2: SHUT UP PERV! I'll probably get a medal or something for this! : Maybe metal chains when you're arrested for using excessive force. After a good hour or so of beating, the officers finally took him to prison for rape and possession of Marijuana (that was actually Yosho's). They didn't bother giving him a trial they took him straight to a federal pound me in the ass prison. : The Japanese justice system isn't much to look at, is it? His term is life and every night his big black cell mate does him up the ass with his 12 inch nigga cock. : And, just to top off the rest of this story, racism. How perfect. THE END ____________________________________________________________________________ Cyrus was the first out of the theater. He turned around to the other cast members as they walked out, and asked the normal question. "Well, what did you guys think?" Kiyone spoke first, "Wow. That was horrible. You say AAA-PhuckNut and the others are just as bad?" Cyrus nodded. "If not worse. We would MST some of their stuff, but it's really been done to death." "Thank god," Duo said. "I don't think I could stand any more of this sh- hey, what did Misato just say?" Duo had just noticed that Misato had whispered something into Cyrus's ear, and he had suddenly become very happy. "She said she wants to collect her prize." Both Duo and Kiyone did double takes. "What?" they both asked. It was too late, however, as Cyrus was running back to his room to get ready. "Woah. That was odd," Duo said. "I guess so," said Kiyone. "Hey," said Duo, snapping out of his momentary disbelief, "when do you think Ken will be ready for service again?" Kiyone rubbed her chin. "Well, I'm no psychiatrist, but I think his angst will be released just as soon as he finds a suitable target on which to vent his anger." "I wonder when that will be," mused Duo. All of a sudden, the Kiyone and Duo were startle by the sound of Cyrus screaming. "OH MY GOD! HE'S IN MY ROOM! HELP ME! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! AAAAHHH!" Cyrus's scream was very abruptly cut off by the sound of a door slamming shut. "Sooner than we might think," said Kiyone. "Sooner than we might think." ____________________________________________________________________________ Well, that's number five. It seems like just yesterday when I was working on this fic. That's because it was. Oh well. Anyway, I'm begging for you to give me some feedback at rowsdower@seanbaby.com. Anything, please! I just want to talk to you! I really won't start stalking you! I'm not that kind of guy! Oh, and I may have mentioned way back when that I was going to eventually finish of the godawful Gene Mesaki saga. Well, for those of you that care, I will eventually do that. I just need a break from the horror of his godawfulness. Eyecatch: I can't think of any scene in these two stories that anybody would want to see again, so I'll just call Rick Schain a bastard. Rick, you're a bastard.