*DISCLAIMER* I've given up telling you people that I don't own any of these characters. Instead, I'm going to use the Manuel defense: "I know nothing. I am from Barcelona." My lawyers have just informed me that this defense may not hold up in court, and as such, I will have to actually mention who owns all of the characters. A writer's work is never done, I suppose. Especially if you're too lazy to come up with your own characters. Anyway, to end this rambling disclaimer, I'm just going to list who owns what. Pioneer/AIC - Kiyone. Saban and Toei Animation - Ken and Wormon. Sotsu Agency and Sunrise - Duo. Also, this story isn't a lemon, but I'm a dirty bastard. Keep that in mind. *DISCLAIMER* The HMS Zap Rowsdower. A former experimental Canadian spacecraft, stolen by an unwitting teenage tourist, Cyrus Marriner. It is on this newly acquired spaceship that this young man dedicates himself to one sole purpose...to make the universe a better place. To boldly seek out evil in all of its forms and destroy it with extreme prejudice. Unfortunately, he really doesn't have the time to do all of that, and the ship is really complicated, so he just decides to make fun of really bad Tenchi Muyo fan fiction. Using advanced Canadian technology, Cyrus Marriner reaches into the fabric of time and space and pulls together a crew of individuals who can handle the severe mental strain of reading bad fan fiction. Unless they can't. And now, our wonderful crew: Behind door number one...Duo Maxwell! I'd like to buy a...Kiyone Makibi! You have to phrase your answer in the form of a...Ken Ichijouji! and the pilot: Come on down...Wormon! ______________________________________________________________________ All was quiet on the HMS Zap Rowsdower. For about five seconds. Then the silence was shattered by the sound of someone vomiting. "Dammit," said Kiyone, "use your bucket, you moron!" Cyrus turned to look at her, wiping a bit of puke from the side of his mouth. "You really suck at this mother stuff, you know that?" "Shut up. I don't exactly have a lot of experience." She turned away from Cyrus and yelled down the hall. "Duo, Cyrus threw up again! Come clean it up!" Duo walked down the hall, carrying a mop and grumbling. "Look, he's been throwing up for two days now. Isn't there anything we can do?" "No," she replied. "Unless Cyrus has some idea. Why are you sick, anyway?" "Motion--blaarrrgh!--sickness," Cyrus answered, pausing to retch into the bucket in front of him. "Motion sickness?" asked Ken, who had just entered the room carrying a large bucket of soapy water. "Why would you get motion sickness? We've been up here for 20 days, 15 hours, 12 minutes, and 46 seconds, and you never had motion sickness before." Cyrus tried to say something, but as soon as he opened his mouth he had to close it again and put his hand over it. Instead of answering, he reached into his pocket and pulled out an empty box, handing it to Ken. Suddenly, Cyrus's eyes went wide and he quickly darted out of the lounge down the hall to the bathroom. "Dramamine," Ken read the label on the box. "Prevents motion sickness." "That explains it," said Kiyone. "He must have run out of pills." "Well, aren't there any on the ship?" Duo asked as he sloshed the mop around in the bucket to get it good and wet. "I'll check," said Ken, walking over to Cyrus's computer. "Don't bother," interrupted Cyrus, who was just returning from the bathroom. "I already--what?" He noticed that his crewmates were looking at him kind of funny. "You have a little something on your shirt there," said Kiyone. Cyrus looked down and realized his accuracy had not been 100% when he had been vomiting in the bathroom. His shirt had a few stains and chunks on it. "No problem," he said nonchalantly. He stripped off the shirt, walked over to the bucket of suds Duo was using to mop, and dropped his shirt in. After sloshing it around for a moment, he pulled it out and squeezed it until it was no longer soaking. "What did you find out?" Kiyone asked, averting her eyes as the not-in-top-shape Cyrus put his shirt back on. "Apparently, they only stocked supplies that the passengers would need," Cyrus answered. "Everyone on the passenger manifest had really strong stomachs, apparently. What a coincidence. Uh-oh." Duo turned around and asked, "Uh-oh? What do you mean, uh-oh?" He got his answer moments later when Cyrus ran past him, lunging for the bucket. He did a commendable job for a mid-air vomit, but still missed a good portion of the bucket. "Never mind," said Duo, who had turned back to sloshing the mop around in the water bucket. "We need to find some way to fix this before the fic," said Ken. "Yeah, I'll be damned if I'm going to sit through another crappy fic if he doesn't have to suffer too," replied Duo. "Don't worry," reassured Kiyone, "I have an idea. Cyrus, come here for a second." Cyrus pulled his head out of the bucket and turned towards Kiyone. "What do you want?" he asked weakly. "Just come here, okay?" Cyrus nodded and walked over to Kiyone. "So what do you--oof!" Cyrus's sentence was cut off by the rush of wind escaping his lungs that accompanied Kiyone's fist impacting his stomach. He immediately fell to the floor and curled up in the fetal position, writhing around in pain. "That was supposed to help?" Ken asked. "Well, it was worth a shot," said Kiyone, cracking her knuckles. Meanwhile, on the floor, Cyrus was weakly picking himself up. He was on his hands and knees when his eyes went wide again, and he promptly threw up on Kiyone's shoes. "Dammit!" yelled Kiyone as she jumped back, albeit a little late. "Sorry," said Cyrus as he stood up. "Maybe you shouldn't have--" His eyes suddenly went wide again, and he ran to the bucket and bent over. Everybody cringed at the expected sound...which never came. Ken uncovered his eyes and looked at Cyrus quizzically. "What happened?" he asked. "I'm not sure," replied Cyrus. "Hold on." He opened his mouth and coughed. "Huh," he said, "guess I ran out." A blaring signal went off in the room, indicating it was time for a new fanfic. "Just in time, too," Cyrus said, disappointed, as he walked into the theater. "Um, Duo?" asked Ken as he picked up the puke bucket to dump out an airlock. "What?" said Duo as he sloshed around the mop. "Why are you using a mop on carpet?" Before Duo could respond, Cyrus's voice called out from inside the theater. "Hey guys, get in here before the fic starts!" ______________________________________________________________________ : So, you ran out of Dramamine, huh? : Well, not really. : What? : I was expecting to go on a boat ride right after I accidentally hijacked the ship, so I took three packs of Dramamine. : Three packs? : I have a problem with seasickness, okay? Anyway, I guess the drugs just got out of my bloodstream two days ago. Be quiet, the fic's starting. I do not own these characters, they belong to Pioneer and not me so please dont sew me, i have (GET THIS!!) $7.67 in my bank account =( "Dont ask!!" : That just makes me so sad. : That fanfic authors all seem to be so poor? : No, that he said "please don't sew me". : This one's going to be bad, isn't it? : To be honest, I really can't remember. I just woke up one morning and discovered that there was a hand-written note on my nightstand with the title of this story and a comment about how it sucked. : That's odd. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> : Have you ever really wanted to do a page break joke, but not been able to come up with anything? : No, but if I couldn't, I'd make a joke about not being able to come up with anything. Sasamis Undescribable Fate! : Yeah, right. Most of the crap out there should be indescribable, yet people describe it anyway. I doubt you can do worse. It was a strangely akward day for everyone in the household, as usuall Sasami (you guessed it!) was cleaning the house, but not in the happy cheerfull way. : If I were her, I wouldn't clean in a happy cheerful way. After all, they treat her like their slave. Aparently, the whole day was silent, the type of silence that comes only when death is near, unfortunately everyone in the Masaki home could feel it, : The kind of silence that comes only when death is near? What is that supposed to mean? : It means we've crossed the fine line between prose and crap. Hey Aeika...um...do you feel something strange going on today?. : It looks like the guy punctuated this by having his cat walk across the keyboard. No...well..As a matter of fact, I do. something is going to happen but i dont know what..its like...i can feel it in the air then Ryoko phased into the room. : Whew, who let one? I can feel it in the air! Well same here, i dont like the way this feels! : And she knows about their conversation...how? hey girls, do you feel something strange going on around here? : Hmmm. I'm beginning to detect something strange about today. : I'm not sure yet. It might be another normal day. Hello everyone, can you all feel the strangeness of today? : That settles it. I'm pretty sure that there's something strange about today. : I think so too, but the author just isn't giving us enough clues. : Maybe he should have just put a disclaimer at the start of the story. : Like: WARNING! THIS STORY TAKES PLACE ON A DAY WROUGHT WITH STRANGENESS! yes... : I wonder if that was supposed to be said kind of sarcastically, to add some humor. Not that it would have. i am going to take a walk with Ryo-oki : Ah, yes, let's go walk outside on a day that apparently feels strange in a story entitled "Sasami's Undescribable Fate". Why doesn't Tenchi save you the trouble and shoot you in the face? : It's already been done. : Dammit. As Sasami walked to the shrine, she felt a little uneasy but kept walking none the less. As she got to the top she wondered what was going on and just sat there in the stairs wondering why everything was quiet. : Maybe everyone's waiting for you guys to stop talking about how strange today is and get on with the story. So what do you think is going to happen today Ryo-oky? frankly i wish that I kn... : Woah! I haven't ever seen Ryo-ohki's name spelled that way! She was interrupted by a strange man she had never seen before in black robes, he moved up to her and looked like he hugged her. : Don't worry it's not a lemon. : Good. Back at the house... : Let me guess, everyone's talking about how strange today feels. I dont get it, i feel a powerfull force here but i havent seen anyone around I can feel something too : I'm unclear. Is there something strange, or isn't there? : If only the author could leave more hints. Where was Sasami going again? : Let's see, she was going for a walk with Ryo-ohki, then she was going to the shrine to get killed, and then she was going to come back and fix lunch. Why? Huh...? Ohh yeah, up to the shrine why? Then, they heard the most terrifying thing they had ever heard, the loud scream of Sasami herself!! : At least she didn't go into the basement, I suppose. I feel the force coming from there!! Oh no!! SASAMI!! : I feel a presence. One I've not felt since... OK LETS GO EVERYONE WE HAVE TO HURRY!! : Quickly, to the Idiotmobile! Back at the shrine... Sasami was now facing a strange dark figure, they both seem to be very close to each other, then as the whole group arrived they saw the man drop Sasami while at the same time, a blade slid out of her stomach!! : And the story gets to the point. Unfortunately, no one cares. Sasami landed on her knees, looked up in a face of horror. then he stabbed her aggain, and slashed a whole out of her stomach, making her intestines and insides leak out.then she just fell on her back layng there as large ammounts of blood leaked out of her body!! : Ah, joy. Carnography. SASAMI!! then as the man finished and turned around, they saw a bright light come right next to the man in black robes. Then a kid apeared where the light had recently disapeared, Tenchi and the girls saw he had golden hair, blue eyes and a strange golden aura covering him sometimes static shocks emitting from the aura(you guessed yet?) : No, but only because I don't like Dragonball Z. : Why not? : Well, I started watching when Goku was charging the spirit ball. Then I graduated from high school, and Goku was still charging the spirit ball. Then I got a master's degree in advanced theoretical physics, and Goku was still charging the spirit ball. Then I retired and Goku finally finished charging the spirit ball. Then he threw it, and it didn't even kill Freiza. That's why. Im too late!... How could you!! : You switched my coffee with Folger's Crystals! You are a little late Gohan!! HAHAHHAHA!! : Actually I hear that Gohan tends to jump the gun, if you know what I mean. : No, what do you mean? : Uhh, err...that is... : I love doing that. You...ARE...GOING...TO..PAY...!!! : That wreck was completely your fault! Yeah right!! she is dead and there is nothing you can do!!! KaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaMeeeeeeeeeeHaaaaaaaaaaaaaMeeeeeee HAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!... : You were wrong! I can still generate nonsensical noises! NO!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, HOW DID YOU GENERATE THAT MUCH POWER!! : With my new Duracell Ultra batteries. They outlast all other alkaline batteries on the market. Gohan was now in the air with the man in Black robes, they both flew into the air and both fired a kamehameja wave at eachother and was making a large energy wave at each other. : "Kamehameja"? Was that an impressive move or a typo? ""WHAIT GOHAN, NOOOO!!"" : --body expects the Spanish Inquisition! the energy ball disapeared into the man ripping him into millons of pieces and scattering them everywhere, the head landed at the feet of Ryoko, then Ryoko stared at it and stomped it, causing it to spray brains and bones everywhere. : Was this written by the same guy who wrote that Ryo-ohki killing fic? : No. These people seem to have an unhealthy obsession with exploding heads. ""DIE YOU SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!!!!"" : Great work Ryoko. Maybe you can kill Kagato next. Gohan now flew next to the weak Sasami, in the arms of Tenchi. everyone was now around her trying to cure her and cover her injury that was at its own account...FATAL!! : I'm starting to think that this whole story was just written as some sort of sick joke. : I know. It's almost bad enough to be funny on its own. : But not quite. Wh... wh..why is everything getting c...cold and dar...dark?. : Maybe because you're sitting in a puddle in a cave. "Sasami, DONT LET GO PLEASE DONT LET GO!!" Sasami slowly turned her head over to Tenchi, and staired at is eyes and smiled : Can you believe the author's trying to turn this tripe into a touching death scene? Te...Ten...chi, I L...love...Y...You. : --nion la...bor. It's so cheap... and efficient... Sasami now gave a long sight, and slanted her head to the oposite side of Tenchi's arms, with her eyes still wide open in horror giving the ovious truth that she was now dead!!. : The "ovious" truth? Does it have something to do with eggs? Gohan just stared from the sky and started to come down slowly Tenchi just collapsed and started to sob and cry uncontrollably staryng in the dead eyes of the once lively Sasami. : Wow, I never thought I would see Tenchi cry like a little girl. : Good job, saying that with a straight face. : It was hard. Then Gohan came close to him and closed Sasamis eyes with his fingers. then he said something no one expected at the time. : I love Tenchi, too! Dont worry, I will bring her back to life!! Tenchi was now crying, when Tenchi heard what gohan said, his sad face turned into a face of pure anger and hatred towards the small boy!. H...how could you say that!!, How Can you think of playng games like this now!! : Actually, I don't think a game of Parcheesi would be completely out of the question. HOW...COULD..YOU MAKE THAT REMARK!! THAT IS AN INSULT THAT MUST GO UNPUNISHED!! : "An insult that must go unpunished"? So he should get away with mocking Sasami's death? : Wow, you're a great sister, Ayeka. Before Tenchi or anyone else was about to say or do anything to Gohan, he pulled out some strange orange spheres with one and upto seven stars inside of each ball. : Would these be the fabled Dragonballs? : You know, that title kind of makes the show sound like lizard porn. I cant revive her until next week, it will be the aniversary of the drgon balls. the Dragonballs, when activated call the "Eternal Dragon. this dragon can grant any wish you ask it. : I bet he forgets about Sasami and ends up wishing for a pony. Every one now had a ray of hope towards the small boy but then something hit Tenchi (a realisation) as he saw Sasamis lifeless body in a pool of her own blood. : Oh, good, the "backtrack" writing style. (as the author) Oh crap, I forgot to say what hit Tenchi! Better add it in parentheses. how are we going to preserve her body for one week without it rotting boy? : Just put some salt on it. And some monosodium glutamate. : Is that even an actual preservative? : I don't know. I can rig something up so her body will regulate blood through the body, she wont be alive but it will keep her well preserved for a limit of 7 months, after that, who knows what will happen to the body. It will either explode or it will desintigrate. : Explode or disintegrate? I was unaware that people exploded if their body wasn't preserved. : Oh yeah, it happens all the time. The other day I was walking through a graveyard, and all of a sudden it was like a minefield! I barely escaped with my life. we made the last wish about a year ago, but we still need a week before it can be done. : Yeah, I wished for a 12-inch cock. : Duo! : A rooster. Don't be a pervert. LETS DO IT!! : This story brought to you by Nike. what do we have to lose!! That night, no one could sleep, they all sat at the living room sad and tired, but then a stran of curiosity fell on Tenchi and the three girls, and like a flash, they all opened their mouths and asked the same question at the same time!!. Why did that man killedl Sasami? : Wow, they all made the same grammatical error, too. They all looked stunned.. Well you see, in the future, Sasami will have special powers that come from the goddes Tsunami, she will be able to Transform into the character called "Pretty Sasami!" : I see, she'll become a character from another continuity. And maybe I'll end up becoming Sakuya. A very powerfull character at that. : I've always said Sasami's a real character. and the man that I killed, is or was going to be one of Pretty Sasami's enemys unfortunately he can travel time and dimensions, so by a miscalculation he found me and my family, and fought a large battle, he lost, and as he was going into this wierd portal thingy, he said "what I will do is eliminate my enemys in the past so in the future i will never encounter them" and so ofcourse, I followed correcting what he did, until i killed him here. : And the prize for world's longest sentence goes to... How could he.. Even I the Most tretorous and formuly evil space pirate in the galixy would not pull something that cowardly!! : Speaking of continuity, what continuity is this supposed to be in, anyway? : Probably the Dragonball Z continuity. That's why none of the Tenchi stuff makes any sense. The rest of the night went on and so they all started speaking about the old times and how they missed Sasami. <><><><><><><><><><><>One Week Later<><><><><><><> They where all at the lake with Sasamis lifeless body now healed, and placed her near the dragon balls, then Gohan called the eternal dragon(i dont know exacly what he says to do it) : Come on, people. Do a little research, or at least don't tell us how lazy you were. and made the wish, by now the dragon didint do anything and then he just spoke and said... The wish is done!! she is sleeping and will wake soon with the goddess Tsunami still in her!! Goodbye!! : You have revived your friend. Goodbye! : I hate that show. Then the dragon balls flew in the air and went in all directions! : I'd hate it if my balls flew in the air and went all directions. : Ouch. then they all stared at Sasami's body whaiting and then, the once lifeless body gave a quick sight sucking up air into her lungs they all cheered and saw Sasami just jump up and started asking questions : I was in this great place where I was happy all the time and all of my friends were there! Why the hell did you resurrect me? ""WHAT...WHERE AM I... WASNT I JUST IN THE SHRINE!!?, What happened to the man in black!!!?? : Oh, he had to go check on some other aliens. He is dead, i killed him. You should have seen it kid!! : I stepped on his head! Who are you...um...whats your name? my name is Gohan. thank you for protecting me, even if it was a whole lot late...last thing I remember was seeeing the sword through my stomach, and me droping on the floor and then ...I...I...I cant remember, By now she was blushing madly. : Why is she blushing while she describes her gruesome death? : Maybe she's a necrophiliac. : Dammit, shut up! No one noticed exept Tenchi who just winked at her, but that just made her blush even more. : Heh...and there was gore every-- tee hee--where. I felt my own *blush* intestines. *giggle* You dont know how much i apreciate what you did for my sister, I thank you. : Now, Ayeka, this is an act that must go unpunished. Yeah, I have to admit...You are one impressive speci...I mean boy Well I must go back to my dimention and my time, it has been a real pleasure, and I hope you all do ok. : Who thinks that was a typo for dimension? (no one comments) Now who thinks that was a typo for dementia? (everyone raises their hands) That's what I thought. are you sure you cant stay one more night. : We can have some fun together, big boy. Naah, I have my orders from my dad, and I hafto go. But thank you for the offer.!! Then they all looked at Sasami sleeping in the grass peacefully : I would have thought she would be rested from being dead for a week. See i am no longer needed here anyway. They all gave him thanks, and told him to come back aggain, and wished him well in his journey. Then a ball of energy apeared infront of him and he just disapeared when he passed through it. : Actually, it was a ball of destructive energy, and he disintegrated. Too bad. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Well, this was my first story and I hope you like it, the ending might have sucked a little but like I said, this is my first story, I know I didint add anything sexual here but it has intestines and guts so that should be enough to qualify it as a lemon so there. : Your first story, huh? And your idea was to kill Sasami? Maybe you should go back to the drawing board. Come up with a plot. Anyway if you have any comments, contact me at: : We would, but it would be kind of redundant after this long MST. dan__2003_98@yahoo.com ______________________________________________________________________ The team walked out of the theater into the lounge, where Wormon was waiting for them. Before Wormon could speak, they began talking about the fic they had just seen. "How is it that these people sit around trying to come up with ideas and the best they can come up with is eviscerate Sasami? Or rape Sasami? Or--" Duo said until he was cut off by Kiyone. "We get the picture, Duo. It was a Dragonball Z crossover, too. There are way too many of those." Ken walked out of the theater last. "Hey Cyrus, whatever happened with your motion sickness?" "Oh, I can still feel it," said Cyrus. "I guess we'll have to set up an IV so I don't starve to death." "Uh, I have a suggestion," Wormon said in his dejected voice. No matter what Wormon said, it always sounded like he was afraid he was going to be hit. "What?" asked Kiyone. "I found some of this on the ship," Wormon replied, indicating a box on the table. Kiyone picked up the box and read the label. "Bonine. Prevents motion sickness." She turned to Cyrus. "Did you know about this?" "Yeah," Cyrus answered. "I don't like the taste of Bonine." "So you're telling me you threw up all over me, Duo, Ken, and the rest of the ship just because you didn't like the taste of the other motion sickness medicine?" Kiyone was visibly beginning to anger, as could be guessed by the "Mihoshi vein" that was bulging on her forehead. Unfortunately for Cyrus, he was not looking at Kiyone and missed the visual clues. This led to his response: "Yeah, that's about it." Kiyone turned to Duo, exhibiting a face her partner Mihoshi had elicited so many times before. "Duo, perhaps he can take the drugs some way that he doesn't have to taste them." "How would that be--oh dear," Cyrus began, trailing off his question when he realized the answer. "Uh, I think I have somewhere to be," he said as he ran off to somewhere else on the ship. "Let's go get him Duo," Kiyone said maliciously. "Yeah," said Duo, an evil grin forming on his face. The two ran off after Cyrus, with Duo yelling a statement out that chilled Cyrus to the bone. "We're not going to take them out of the box first, either!" ______________________________________________________________________ Well, thanks for reading my fourth MST. I suppose it was a magical experience of shimmering delights. And vomit jokes. Thanks to Jackson, David, and Nick, not to mention the great cast of characters that hang out at #TenchiFF. I hang out there a lot, but I almost never talk. If you're wondering why that is, I tend to talk about what I know, which is mostly Tenchi Fanfiction. Interestingly enough, that is the one topic that never seems to come up in the Tenchi Fan Fiction Chat Room. Oh well, it's still fun to watch...heh. As always, I can be reached at rowsdower@seanbaby.com. I really appreciate it when people write to me. If you send me a marriage proposal, there's a good chance I'll accept just so you'll write to me again. I love you all! Even those of you who want to flame me! Eyecatch: HOW...COULD..YOU MAKE THAT REMARK!! THAT IS AN INSULT THAT MUST GO UNPUNISHED!!