*DISCLAIMER* I do not own Kiyone, Duo, Ken, or Wormon. Kiyone is property of Pioneer and AIC. Duo is property of Sotsu Agency and Sunrise. Ken and Wormon are property of Toei Animation and Saban. None of the stuff in this is a lemon, but that doesn't make it any better. Especially the first one. If you are a kid, you probably shouldn't read the first story, because it will scar you for life. Even worse than a violent video game. Also, my characters tend to swear. Chalk it up to the mental stress of reading these fics. Except for Duo. He's just a foul-mouthed bastard. *DISCLAIMER* The HMS Zap Rowsdower. A former experimental Canadian spacecraft, stolen by an unwitting teenage tourist, Cyrus Marriner. It is on this newly acquired spaceship that this young man dedicates himself to one sole purpose...to make the universe a better place. To boldly seek out evil in all of its forms and destroy it with extreme prejudice. Unfortunately, he really doesn't have the time to do all of that, and the ship is really complicated, so he just decides to make fun of really bad Tenchi Muyo fan fiction. Using advanced Canadian technology, Cyrus Marriner reaches into the fabric of time and space and pulls together a crew of individuals who can handle the severe mental strain of reading bad fan fiction. Unless they can't. Thus, Cyrus assembles his team (and this time lets them have sound bites!): Kiyone Makibi - Yeah, I'm still pissed about the whole Gene Mesaki thing. Duo Maxwell - This is a pretty nice ship you got here! Ken Ichijouji - Hey, I didn't choose my last name, okay? and the pilot: Wormon - You know I don't have opposable thumbs, right? _____________________________________________________________________________ The entire crew was hanging out in the lounge that day, with Kiyone reading, Duo and Ken playing video games, and Cyrus working at a computer. Oh, Wormon was there too, just, you know, hanging out. It had been a week since their first MST, and Cyrus's psych profiles indicated they were finally ready for duty again. They had not reacted well after the first week, as was evidenced by at least six anonymous attempts on Cyrus's life. (There was another one involving the toaster, but Cyrus was willing to chalk it up to natural clumsiness. After all who would have guessed he would stick THAT in it?) Fortunately, at least from Cyrus's point of view, he managed to escape with minor injuries, and the temporary loss of one eye. However, he got to wear an eyepatch, which he thought was pretty cool. His crewmates did not think that, and became even angrier when he started ending all of his sentences with "arrr." He finally stopped when Kiyone threatened to choke him to death with the eyepatch, but it still occasionally slipped out. Such was the case when Kiyone, who was growing sick of reading, asked him why the elevator that led to the bridge had a down button. "I guess so that you can go down, arrr," he replied. "There's a lower floor?" she asked, ignoring the slip because of her curiosity. "Yeah," replied Cyrus, typing absent-mindedly on his computer. "What's on it?" "Well, I think there was some leisure stuff. Like a mall, I think. Why? Is there something you're looking forrrr," Cyrus answered, accidentally slurring the r at the end of the sentence. "A mall?" Kiyone said unbelievingly. "You mean there's a something else besides these crappy books you brought and the Dreamcast?" "Well," Cyrus responded, "where do you think I bought the Dreamcast?" Kiyone stared, open-mouthed, as Cyrus obliviously typed away at his computer. She had often complained about being bored, and now Cyrus was telling her was a mall on the ship? Kiyone had never been too much into shopping, but at least it was something to do. "Hey," she called out to everybody in the room, "does anybody want to go to the lower level with me?" Duo turned around. "Is that a euphemism for sex?" he asked. "No," Kiyone disgustedly replied. "In that case, no." "What about you Ken?" she asked, trying to find someone to go with. "Sorry." I have this thing with malls. It's a minor phobia, but one I try to avoid. Besides, Duo's catching up with me. It's only 376 matches to 355. I can't give him any advantage at this point." Ken turned around to continue playing the video game with Duo. "Cyrus, do you want to come with me?" she asked, but only as a last resort. "Why surrrre," he said, slipping up and slurring the r again. "I'd love to go with ye to the lower decks, arrrr." Kiyone was pretty sure he had done the last one on purpose, and decided she would definitely prefer being alone to his company. "Nevermind," she said, not noticing that Cyrus hadn't even stopped typing, and had no intention of going. "Dammit," she said to herself. "There's nobody who'll go with me." "I'll go," Wormon meekly said. "I just want to finally get to know you guys, and none of you will go!" "I'll go," Wormon meekly said again, but he couldn't stop the train of thought Kiyone was on. It was barreling off at top speed. "We're going to be trapped up here for a while, and I at least want to TRY to get along with you, but you just ignore me! You're worse than Mihoshi! Duo, you seem to want to have sex with me, but you won't even spend time with me! Cyrus, you intentionally try to piss me off! I mean, we're going to be stuck up here for a while with each other; the leas we can do is try not to piss each other off. And Ken," before she could bitch at Ken, she realized he had his hand up. "What?" she asked angrily. "Well, Wormon said he'd go." Kiyone looked at Wormon and saw him nodding his assent. "Oh," she said sheepishly. "Nevermind." She turned to Wormon. "Ready to go?" she asked. "Sure." said Wormon, hopping off the couch. Suddenly, a loud wail emanated throughout the ship. "Well," interrupted Cyrus, "it looks like a moot point! Come on, let's go into the theater!" He clicked a few things on his computer, and turned and ran into the theater, followed by his other, less excited, crewmates. Washu Teaches Ryo-ohki a Lesson : Ugh. This isn't one of those spanking fetish fics, is it? : Dear God, no! I'm ashamed you would think of me like that. I told you, this isn't a lemon. : You're worried about what we'll think of you if you make us do a spanking lemon, after you made us read that "Gene Mesaki" story? : You're still mad about that, huh? : Very. Written by Aaron Shattuck Edited by Chippy the Transvestite Gnome Washu had spent many a tedious hour in her vast laboratory, but her work was almost rewarded! : 2,949 licks to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop. Of course! The concept had struck her from out of the blue, about a month ago. Why not invent a machine, that would due away with belligerence, and replace it with complete, universal love? : Gee, I expected better editing from "Chippy the Transvestite Gnome." There would no longer be any war, she thought, and she would be hailed as the savior of the universe! : This doesn't sound like Washu-style thinking. : I know. This is the woman who was creating a weapon capable of destroying said universe. : And in the OAV continuity, she created the Souja, which gave Kagato his massive amounts of power. : And in Shin Tenchi, she...uh...hung around the house. : Let's not worry about the character's pasts in Shin Tenchi, okay? The task was not so simple, however. It had taken much longer to both design and build her dream, than any other machine she had made before. : I would imagine a machine that can twist the emotions of all of the beings in the entire universe would take a bit longer than most. But at last, it was but a few hours until completion! : Boy, Chippy's really dropping the ball here. : What's your problem with Chippy? : I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that I've passed the phase where I think stringing together random unconnected words together like "Gary, the Bisexual Housefly," or "Eli Whitney, the Inventor of the Cotton Gin," is funny. : Aren't you being too hard on them? : NO! I think we've passed the point where moronic crap like that is funny. (patriotic music begins) I have a dream of a society, where, when somebody makes a joke, it's funny enough to make someone laugh! I believe our society can rise above thinking "Chippy the Transvestite Gnome" is funny! My friends, we have been choking humor for too long! AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! (Cyrus stands in the air, raising his fist. The music crescendos as an American flag falls from the ceiling behind him. Wild cheers and applause fill the theater.) : Are you quite done with your manifesto against 14-year-old boys? : I guess. "I think I deserve a lunch break!" she thought to herself, producing a plate of food, that Sasami had prepared for her a day previous. : Unfortunately, the "day previous" was about a month ago. The plate contained mostly rice, as well as some sautéed beef, greens, and a single raw carrot. : Actually, the "greens" are growing on the sautéed beef. Washu ate ravenously, and soon only the carrot remained. She lifted it up to her mouth, when she heard a soft mewing. By her feet, sat Ryo-ohki, rubbing at her ankle and begging for the carrot. "Go away, Ryo-ohki!" Washu snapped. "This is my desert!" : A carrot for dessert? That's pathetic. : Maybe dessert is a euphemism for "sexual pleasure" and she's going to use the carrot to...(notices glares from other MSTers)...nevermind. "Mew mew..." protested the small Cabbit. : Translated, that means "screw you too, bitch." : And you call me bitter. "I said, 'You can't have any!'" Washu declared. : Actually, you said, "Go away Ryo-ohki! This is my desert!" Suddenly, Ryo-ohki leapt into the air and knocked the carrot out of Washu's hands. It fell in a mass of wiring, and Ryo-ohki bounded after it happily, going, "Meeow! Meeow!" : You know, I never thought the thing was stupid enough to jump into a mass of wiring. : For an animal that can understand language, it's behaving as intelligently as a dog right now. A really stupid dog. Whose brain has been replaced with a Cheez-It. "No!" Washu shouted, but it was too late. The feisty Cabbit had chased the carrot into the wiring. : And the next day, everyone had barbequed cabbit for lunch. : Wow. That was dark. : Sorry. I guess I have a little bit of sadist left in me. : But, isn't there a little bit of sadist in all of us? : If by "all of us" you mean "Ayeka," yes. Ryo-ohki shredded wires and crushed circuits, in her search for the stray carrot. : You know, before this, I never thought that anyone could get Ryo-Ohki this badly out of character. I mean, all you have to do is make her love carrots, be reasonably obedient and intelligent, and turn into a spaceship. This is just disgraceful. Ryo-Ohki is pretty sensitive to other people. : Yeah, she would never blatantly destroy stuff...even for a carrot. : What about in the TV series where Ryo-Ohki slams into Sasami's ship? : Well, I suppose. Just wait, though. It gets worse. : Why am I suddenly scared? Finally, she spotted a patch of orange and rushed to it, pulling out even more wires in the process. Smoke began to rise from the massive machine. : Dammit! How many times have we told machines not to smoke? Damned peer pressure. Once Ryo-ohki had made it to the carrot, she celebrated by leaping with it, into the air. With a happy "Meow!" she landed in the very center of Washu's machine, smashing it's delicate "brain" easily. : Ugh. I just realized that was foreshadowing. : Is there something you should tell us? : Just keep watching. (hands barf bag to Kiyone) You might need this, though. : I have a bad feeling about this. Sparks began to fly and then the whole thing exploded! Chunks of metal flew through the air and when the smoked cleared, there was but a blackened Cabbit, sitting on a useless shell of scrap metal. : Oh, is she sitting on a Leo suit? "Ryyyyyoooooo-oooooohki," snarled Washu, flames leaping in her eyes, "This time, you've gone too far!" : "This time?" The only time I ever recall Ryo-Ohki destroying anything really valuable was when she knocked over that vase in Shin Tenchi. : And Sasami's ship. : Whatever. "Meow?" wondered Ryo-ohki, when suddenly, Washu snatched her from her seat. "Meow! Meow!" protested Ryo-ohki, but Washu would have none of it. : I'm sick of your excuses! Oh, wait...that's Ryoko. Well, I'm sick of your clumsiness! Wait...that's Mihoshi. In that case, I'm sick of your, uh...ears! Yeah! Goddamn ears! She took pieces of frayed wire, and used them to pin the Cabbit to a grating that was imbedded in the surface of what was once the Love Machine. : "The Love Machine?" I thought you said this wasn't a lemon, Cyrus. : It isn't! Why do you guys think so little of me? : Let me think...does "Slap! Slap! Slap!" ring any bells? : You guys aren't going to forget about that, are you? : Probably not. "You like carrots, huh?" Washu smirked menacingly, picking up the carrot that Ryo-ohki had pursued. "I'll give you a carrot!!!" : Gee, thanks. I thought you were mad, but now you're giving me a carrot! You're the greatest! Washu began to jab Ryo-ohki's face with the carrot, bruising the Cabbit to a great extent. : What the hell... : Just keep watching. "Meeeeooow!" cried Ryo-ohki. "Meow! Meeeow!!" : Translation: "Are you so damn uncoordinated you can't get it in my mouth?" : Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I'd heard that. "Hahahahahha!" replied Washu, slamming the carrot harder into her face. : Huh? I thought she was slamming it into Ryo-Ohki's face. : I'm inclined to say it's just a bad use of pronouns, but I think "Chippy" would have caught that. What with his being dressed as a woman and all. Spots of blood began to stain Ryo-ohki's furry noggin. The cabbit struggled in vain. : I thought she was in Washu's lab. Where's Vain? She could not even loosen the wires that held her bond. : Right. A cabbit that can turn into a spaceship that destroyed most of Jurai with Ryoko can't break out of a couple of wires? My ass. : She can turn incorporeal, too. Washu decided to stop playing around, and began to shove the carrot, hard into Ryo-ohki's skull. : Sounds like Theodoric of York. : What? : SNL reference. Great stuff. "Meeeeow!!" Ryo-ohki screamed in pain. "Meeaaaaaaow!!!" : If this were a lemon, she'd be having fun by now. You know, with the lemon rules of logic and all. : Thanks for the image of Washu, Ryo-Ohki, and a carrot in a lemon story. Thank you soooo much. Washu ignored the Cabbit's pathetic cries for mercy and applied even more force! : Use the force, Washu. Hey what are you doing? Oh my god, that's sick! Soon, little snapping sounds could be heard. Ryo-ohki screamed and screamed, but the pain wouldn't go away! : This is really disturbing. : I would not like to meet this guy in a dark alley. Unless he's smaller than me. Then I would kill him. Her vision was beginning to go out, and all she could see, was a fuzzy silhouette of her tormentor. : Yeah, Aaron Shattuck. "Die! Die!" screamed Washu. Slamming the carrot down with all her might. : Alright, I'm taking bets on Ryo-Ohki's skull vs. a carrot! : Ten bucks on the skull. : I'm putting my money on the skull. : I'm pretty sure a carrot could not break someone's skull. Unless Ryoko or Ayeka cooked it. Then, anything's possible. But me down for the skull. : Oh, I'm sorry, but the carrot wins! Apparently, Ryo-Ohki's skull is made out of graham crackers! Too bad! "Meeeeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!!" shrieked Ryo-ohki, until she could only cough and gurgle. Washu put the whole weight of her body into it and suddenly, Ryo-ohki's head exploded! Little pieces of skull and brain, mingled with droplets of blood, to shower all over Washu's arm. : Oh my god. (vomits into barf bag) : What did she do to deserve that? : (begins twitching) I think the author just undid three years of anger therapy. : I have never seen anything this horrible. Anybody want a Gobstopper? The carrot had been reduced to inedibility. : Thank god. I was afraid Washu was going to eat it. : Or use it to...(notices Kiyone crying, Cyrus wiping tears from his eyes, and Ken clenching and unclenching his fists)...I'll save it for later. "Phew," sighed Washu, wiping the sweat off her brow, and thus smearing it with the previous insides of Ryo-ohki's skull. : Is it safe to (looks up) BLARGH! (vomits into barf bag) Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Ryoko entered Washu's lab/dimension, with a concerned look on her face. : I would imagine that she would be a bit more concerned. Doesn't she have a mental link with Ryo-Ohki? : Hey, that's right! Wouldn't Ryoko have been really traumatized by that? : Can I look up? : You probably shouldn't. Maybe you should just rest your head in my lap. : Fuck off. "Washu," she asked, "Did you just kill Ryo-ohki?" : As we mentioned earlier, you have a mental link with her. You should know! Washu looked guiltily at the bloody little pile before her. "Define 'kill,'" she replied. : Did he just finish this story with a cartoon-ending style joke. Like, if they were chased by a bear, one of them goes, "That was un-BEAR-able!" and then they all laugh? : I think he did. : He just tried to make light of a story about mercilessly beating Ryo-Ohki to death? I think I'm scared. Remarkably so. The End. : Kiyone, you can look up now. : I can't believe it. This guy can make me vomit. : Well, it's not unbelievable. I mean, it was pretty sick : You don't understand. I'm a police officer. I've seen murder victims, but never vomited. : Trust me, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Boy, wasn't that fun? : NO. Well?! : NO. Wasn't it?!!! : NO. Par usual, all questions, comments, flames, and declarations of war, are welcome at dilandau2@hotmail.com. : Isn't this ship technically an autonomous nation? : Well, I suppose, but-- : Guys, let's declare war on this sicko. : I'm in. : You've got my vote. : Well, what the heck. I'm in. If we happen to run across this guy, we vaporize him. If you're wondering, no, I'm not on drugs. Unless you count these little, lumpy, multi-colored pills I found in an unmarked container in my medicine cabinet, but I think they're just really old Flinstones vitamins. : Here's hoping they're actually cyanide capsules. : Come on, guys. Let's go take a break before the next story. _____________________________________________________________________________ (The view fades in on a stage in an undisclosed location of the ship. Azaka and Kamidake are on the sides of the stage.) : Thank you for reading the first part of this special MST double feature! : Absolutely! And now, the crew of the HMS Zap Rowsdower have prepared a performance for your viewing pleasure until the second story begins! Isn't that right, Azaka? : Wait, I thought I was Kamidake! : If you're Kamidake, then why do you have a high-pitched voice? : I thought Kamidake had a high-pitched voice! (the two logs float off of the stage, bickering. Wormon runs up and pulls back the curtains, revealing yet another movie screen. The room goes dark and the 3...2...1 circle thing appears. Suddenly, an image of a woman who is obviously Kiyone walking down a darkened alley strewn with garbage appears. All of a sudden, a man who is obviously Ken in a trench coat runs up and pushes her to the ground. After a brief struggle, Ken runs off with Kiyone's purse. The screen freezes on Kiyone sitting and pretending to cry.) : In these modern times, crime is a fact of life. But what can you do to prevent it? Get a gun? Not with these damn liberals running around all over the place! You have to have a waiting period, and you can't take it wherever you want to go! Say that you're attacked in an elementary school. You would have no way to kill your attacker! That's why we have developed the last word in the fight against crime: the carrot! Let's look at that scene again, but this time the unfortunate woman has a carrot. (The scene rewinds. Once again, Kiyone is walking down the alley. All of a sudden, Ken runs up and knocks her down. During the struggle, Kiyone manages to roll on top of Ken, and raises her arm in the air. The camera zooms in, revealing she is holding a carrot. She plunges the carrot down, but the view is blocked and it is impossible to see what happens. All of a sudden, there is a loud POP and gore sprays out from the part of the image obscured by Kiyone's back. She turns around, stands up, and looks at the camera, wiping gore from her brow, but accidentally smearing it all over her face. She holds up the carrot and smiles at the camera.> : Some of you might be saying, "Gee, that's great! However, I don't spend much time in urban areas wrought with crime! What I really like is camping!" Well, I believe this next scene can speak for itself. (The scene shifts to Duo, who is sitting at a campfire, roasting marshmallows. He is sitting there contentedly, unaware of two demonic eyes in the darkness behind him. Suddenly, a squirrel jumps out and sinks its teeth into Duo's shoulder. Duo begins rolling around in pain.) : OW! Son of a bitch! I thought you said this one wouldn't be real, like the other one! Dammit! OW! (While rolling around, Duo accidentally rolls into the fire. His clothes burst into flames, and he is dancing around beating at the flames with the squirrel, which is now securely clamped onto his hand. The scene freezes.) : One can only wonder what tragedy could have been avoided if this young man had had a carrot. Let's take a look. (The scene begins again, with Duo sitting at the campfire. All of a sudden, an odd-looking squirrel awkwardly flies out of the darkness and lands on his back. Duo pretends to fight the squirrel, and reaches for a carrot he has in his pack. He lightly pokes the squirrel with the carrot, and it explodes, spraying entrails and fur all over Duo. Duo gets up and stands in front of the fire, holding the carrot and smiling, beginning to eat a s'more. Cyrus walks out in front of the screen.) : Yes, tragedy could have been avoided through the simple use of a carrot. And yet, few people carry these life saving vegetables. (In the background, the fake blood on Duo's back catches fire. Kiyone and Ken run up and put it out with a fire extinguisher.) : Why is it that so many people neglect to carry these life saving vegetables? Maybe they think they're invincible and can't be harmed by muggers and woodland creatures? Well, wise guy, what about flying monkeys? (The exterior of a house appears on the screen. All of a sudden, a flying monkey swoops down and crashes through the window. There is a lot of screaming, and the monkey quickly flies out of the window, carrying a severed head.) : Not so cocky NOW, are you wise guy? Now see what would have happened with a carrot. (The exterior of a house appears again, this time with a carrot hanging outside in front of the window. The monkey swoops in towards the window, but explodes when it touches the carrot. Duo runs up and tosses a bucket of discarded cow parts against the window, then runs away.) : After seeing this, I think the question isn't if you can afford to buy a carrot. I think it's if you can afford NOT to buy one. (A screen appears showing various ordering information. A familiar, light voice begins to read.) : To order, call 1-800-4-CARROT. Have your credit card ready to buy. Shipping and handling...oops, that's not right! Where was I? Wasn't it the part about the address? Or the check and money order part? Oh, I'm not good at this! : MIHOSHI! Is there anything you can do right? We just needed you to read this one part! : I'm sorry! Please give me another chance Kiyone! : Oh, son of a-- (The stage goes dark, until an alarm goes off and warning lights begin to flash. Everyone leaves the secondary theater to head for the primary. The theater is empty for a moment, until Azaka and Kamidake float back in.) : I told you, I'm Azaka! : No you aren't, you're Kamidake! : If I'm Kamidake, then who are you? : I'm Kamidake! : But if I'm Kamidake, then you're Azaka! Makes sense. I always thought Azaka was a little gay. : What was that? I'll show you, Kamidake! ___________________________________________________________________________ : Hey, that was a lot of fun! : Speak for yourself. What were you doing mixing gasoline with the fake blood? : Come on, it wasn't that bad. We were able to use the technology in the sickbay to graft on most of the burnt skin. : I'm glad for that, but wasn't there any non-black skin you could have grafted? (He sticks his arm out to reveal it is covered with patches of black skin.) : Oh, stop complaining. At least you were up-to-date on your rabies shots. Hey, the fic's starting. Be quiet. As before, I own only two (three in the next one) of these characters - Kami and Akita. Dont rip them off, dont rip me off. : I can't help but think that's a pretty inadequate disclaimer. Washu's Li'l Girl - Kami, Not You Too?!? : Let me fill you in on what happened in the previous part. Washu found Kami, a girl she had created and hid in a radioactive force field in Tokyo. : Wouldn't a radioactive force field be dangerous? : Probably. Anyway, Washu finds her and her friend Akita. In Akita's words, "I was created by the Jurain royal family to keep things tidy, YUK." : This is kind of confusing. : I know. Anyway, Washu gets them and brings them back to Tenchi's house to live with everybody. : Wait, where has she been since she was created? Why is she in Tokyo now? Why is the Juraian maid hanging out with her? : It's one of those mysteries of the universe, like why hot dogs come in packs of-- : Shut up. That joke's really worn out. (Kami discovers she's head over heels in love with Tenchi.) : Well, thanks to that summary, I don't think I need to read the rest of the story now! (gets up to leave) : The doors are locked. : Damn. (sits down) Ryoko-Narrating (again) : Oh, great. Ryoko's narrating again! Well, Kami and Akita have been here for about two weeks. I have adjusted to Kami's poor cleanliness habits. : Hmmm...it's almost like you're used to "poor cleanliness habits." Akita is not so bad (she was a royal cleaner!). Akita seems to like Sasami a lot. : This isn't a-- : No. : Okay, good. Cause if they start going at it, I'm out of here. They hang out together constantly. Kami stays by Washu's side 24/7. You cannot pry her away! Big mama's baby. And the weird thing is, her tail is attached to her, unlike mine. Mine is part of an outfit. She can fly faster than me and turn into a pink and purple Siamese cat. So? Big deal, I am still more attractive to Tenchi. Or am I?!?!?! : Sorry, babe. He has a bestiality fetish, and you can't become a cat. : I'm really tempted to make a joke using the word "pussy," and I'm not sure if I should. : You shouldn't. : Just checking. (Ryoko walks into Washu's lab to see what they are up to.) Washu is not in there, only Kami. She is spying into...TENCHI'S APARTMENT!! What is she doing? : I believe you just said, "She is spying into...TENHCI'S APARTMENT!!" Kami - (Giggles) He is really hot! I can't wait to see him again! : I thought you were looking at him right now. : Ha ha ha ha ha ha! : What? : She reminds me of Gene Mesaki! : Hey, you're right! Ha ha ha! Oh boy. We've lost another to the irresistible Tenchi...But he wouldnt like a 14 year old! He's like, 17! Oh wait, that is an okay age difference...OH NO!!!! I HAVE COMPETITION!!! : "An okay age difference." Hmph. Some of these authors think that as long as the sum of the ages is 25, they're okay. Ryoko - Hey, little brat, get outta here before I kick you into next week! : And our next episode, "No Need for Yet ANOTHER Visitor to this Goddamn House!" : It's unquestionably predictable! Kami - Im looking at TENCHI!!!! : He has a little pee-pee! : I should have seen that coming. She then turns into the cat and fluffs up. Oh crap shes chasing me! Ah, I'll just blast her! : Yes, of course! I can blast her! All of by problems will be solved if I blast her! (Kami has a force shield on.) : I think I'm confused. Is this a script or a first-person story? : It's two-two-two great tastes in one! Crap! Well, what am I gonna do now? I guess I could - OW! She cat-slapped me! : Heh, if Kami turned into a dog, she would have bitch-slapped Ryoko! Well, she is turning into her human form again. : Maybe that should have been a stage direction. You know, in parentheses. Kami - That's what you get! : That'll learn you to try to protect Tenchi's privacy and get beaten up by me! I hope you learned your lesson! She ran out the lab. I chased her invisibly, and she ended up going through the dimensional tunnel. : You know, I don't recall Ryoko ever having the ability to turn invisible. She could teleport, become incorporeal, and create a duplicate, but not become invisible. : Does the dimensional tunnel mean she's in the Shin Tenchi continuity? : To be honest, continuity has no real effect on these stories as far as I can tell. Tenchi and her were fully caught up on each others pasts and talked regularly. She raced into his apartment. : It's Kami at the turn, but Ryoko's put on a burst of speed, and down the homestretch...oh my goodness! It's Ryo-Ohki coming along the outside, and at the end, it's Ryo-Ohki! Ryo-Ohki wins it! Tenchi - What's wrong? Kami - Ryoko tried to kill me! : She said I was being a deceitful, manipulative brat, but you don't believe that, do you Tenchi? : Of, course not...hey, don't cry. Here, let me buy you something expensive. Tenchi - Again... : That darned murderous Ryoko! I swear, she's always trying to kill something! Kami - Yes, she tried to hurt me! : But you just said she tried to kill you. : Well, yes. : So you were wrong Tenchi walks over to her and hugs her. She emits a gleaming smile as they embrace. : Hey, what are you doing with that hand? (notices everyone staring at him) What? Can't I be a little hentai now and then? Kami - Can't I stay with you in Tokyo, away from her? Tenchi - No, you can't do that. I'm going to school during the day, and then we would run out of food. I'm sorry, it wont work out. : You see, I couldn't go to the store except during my scheduled day. One time there was a small fire that destroyed most of the food, and I almost starved to death! Ahaha. You don't get him. I will. I will get him, not you bratty stupid sister! Oh, she started crying again. Big baby. : So that's Ryoko, narrating again. Right? : I guess. Unless Kami's suddenly narrating. : See, we need big "~~~~THE STORY IS NOW GENE'S POINT OF VIEW~~~~" signs in this story. : I would just as soon see no influence from "The Gene Mesaki Saga" in any story we ever read. Ever. For the rest of my life. Tenchi - Please don't cry. Please! I will come visit you then to see how you are doing. Will that work? Kami - (SNIFF) I guess... : Maybe you could rub my...(notices many an evil glare directed his way)...er, pussy. : What? : Cat! I meant cat! Tenchi patted her back and led her to the tunnel. : Well, see you later, sweetcheeks. Tenchi - Okay? I'll come visit you. Kami is all chipper and dandy now. : So, was that Ryoko? Or did she just forget parentheses? Kami - OKAY!!!! She flies down the tunnel, and I follow. By then Washu is paranoid. : The government! They're using satellites to read my thoughts! I need to make a tin foil hat to put on my head! : Knowing Washu, it would probably be able to destroy the universe as a side affect. Washu - Oh no, where could she be??? Oh no! (cries) MY BAAABBBYYY! I zoom past Kami and find Washu in the other room. I have no other choice but to slap her. : Yeah, no choice. She's crying, so you hit her? It's amazing you've been able to avoid killing Mihoshi, in that case. Kami found us, she teleportated in here. : Wait. Is Ryoko saying this aloud, narrating it, or what? Kami - I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE! AND THAT MEANS LEAVE MOMMY ALONE! : Oh, I thought it meant beat her face in. : Let's try to finish the day without mentioning faces getting beaten in, okay? Oh, sure, sure. Like she would-- : Tell me to leave her alone. What sort of crap is that? (Ryoko gets zapped by Kami's electrorays.) Ryoko - BRAT! : Yes, it's the Ryoko and Aye...er, Kami show! Kami - Well, that's what you get! Later that evening, Kami went to play with Akita and Sasami. They were both playing with eachother's hair. Sasami brought up the subject of Tenchi. : Okay, is Ryoko narrating now, or what? I'm confused. : Hey, good Tenchi impression! Sasami - Yeah, all the older girls like Tenchi. Kami - Um, I like him too! Akita - WHAT?!?! You like him? Why? : Aren't you a lesbian like Sasami and me? : You make me sick sometimes, Duo. Kami - I don't know, there's just that special thing about him, you know? I can't stand girly talk so I leave. Oh, I hope Tenchi doesn't like Kami!! I have to have him! What am I gonna do with that Kami-Cat???? Oh, wait, I've got a great idea... : I'll slit her throat in a church! : Huh? : Shakespearean humor. I knew you wouldn't get it. : Especially since he stole it from Mystery Science Theater 3000. : Hey, shut up! Tune in for the next chapter "Kami's Capture". With a new character, Nytaki! Please, people, tell me what you think!!! moony4113@yahoo.com : We'll get to that in the lounge. Come on, let's go! : Finally! =^..^= ______________________________________________________________________________ The entire crew was relaxing in the lounge after their second fic of the day. All were seated around a table, where, Cyrus was asking them questions. "So, what'd you think of the first fic?" he asked the group. "It was without question, the most terrible thing I have ever seen in my life," replied Ken, shuddering as he remembered a particular part. "I know," added Duo. "Why in hell would anyone want to kill Ryo-Ohki? Especially that brutally. It was kind of funny, though. I mean, how in the hell could a carrot penetrate bone?" Kiyone nodded. "Yeah, that didn't make much sense to me either." Cyrus looked down at his clipboard and began scribbling something. "Alright," he said, "we've got one deeply disturbed, two who find it sickening and inadvertently humorous, and one who's still pissed about that whole 'Chippy, the Transvestite Gnome' thing." "Please don't go into another speech," said Kiyone. Cyrus waved her complaint off and asked the next question. "What about the second fic?" "Maybe I've been reading these awful fics for too long, but I actually thought the idea wasn't that bad," answered Kiyone. "It just was lacking in execution." "Yeah," agreed Duo. "I thought the Kami-Ryoko dynamic was well-done and managed to avoid banality and redundancy through the use of Kami's manipulative behavior. The additional facet managed to change the relationship from the standard Ryoko-Ayeka battle to a whole new paradigm." The whole room was silent. Everyone was staring at Duo, mouths agape. "What?" he asked. "Is it that surprising for me to have an intelligent thought? Fuck you guys." Satisfied Duo was back to normal, Ken put in his thoughts. "It's true, the story wasn't very bad, but the whole narrative/script thing made it too unclear." Cyrus marked some things down on his clipboard, and stood up. "Well, rest up! We're going to have a big week next week, and I can't afford to have you guys not at the tops of your games!" "Why?" asked Kiyone. "What are we doing next week?" "We're going to finish the Gene Mesaki Saga!" Cyrus cheerily replied. "Cyrus," Kiyone began calmly, "do you think you could get in this large bag so we can beat you mercilessly? It would really help us relax." "Sure," said Cyrus, hopping into the bag. As Kiyone tied it off over Cyrus's head, he managed to make one last comment. "I love bags!" ________________________________________________________________________________ Yeah, I know I stole the last line from a MST3K. I'll probably do that a lot. Consider them my comedic crutch. As always, thanks to Dave, Jack, and Nick for their help. Feedback from the rest of you guys is appreciated, and can be found at rowsdower@seanbaby.com. I had a lot of fun writing this, and will hopefully have more fun doing the rest of the Gene Mesaki Saga soon. To all fanfic authors out there, keep on writing! Eyecatch: Washu put the whole weight of her body into it and suddenly, Ryo-ohki's head exploded! Little pieces of skull and brain, mingled with droplets of blood, to shower all over Washu's arm.