DISCLAIMER: I claim no ownership, expressly stated or implied, over any of the characters in this story, with the notable exception of Cyrus Marriner. The use of music should fall under the provisions covering parody, but the themes are all copyright their original owners, just to be on the safe side. _______________________________________________________________________ HMS ROWSDOWER A PLAY IN THREE ACTS BY CYRUS MARRINER BASED ON MUSIC BY GILBERT AND SULLIVAN, AND VARIOUS LENGTHLY MONOLOGUES BY A DEAD BRITISH GUY NAMED SHAKESPEARE. Act I: In Which the HMS Zap Rowsdower Decides to Do a Musical for a Season Finale CYRUS: Hmmm...well, according to this, we've completed a season of MSTing! DUO: It took you this long to figure that out? I mean, for chrissakes, the last three episodes have been part of a Special Season finale event. Jesus. KEN: Shut up and pay attention, Duo. You're losing. At Tech Romancer. How does a Gundam pilot lose at Mecha Game? DUO: He loses when he's fucking sick of playing the same three Dreamcast games over and over again. Shit, can't we get a Gamecube here? Or an X-Box? CYRUS: An X-Box? For christ's sake, why don't you just ask me to bring a damn gun on board and shoot myself? DUO: Halo is fun! CYRUS: What sort of loser are you? Go to hell, and take your giant X-Box with you. KEN: Maybe Kagato can get us a new gaming system. Or at least a copy of Shenmue. CYRUS: Yes, that's a good idea! Let's go ask Kagato. Everyone, to the bridge! [CYRUS leaps out of his chair and runs to the lift. DUO and KEN exchange glances, shrug, and drop their Dreamcast controllers, following with much less enthusiasm.] KIYONE: This can't go on, you know. We are too different, you and I. WORMON: What do you mean? KIYONE: Isn't it obvious? I'm a human, you're a...um, caterpillar. I'm white, you're...green. I'm from space, you're from, er...a computer. I have genitalia, you...well, I don't even know how I have sex with you. WORMON: Yes, that's true, on one hand. But on the other hand, isn't it the best damn sex you've ever had? KIYONE: Well, yes. I still don't know how... WORMON: 'Tis but thy species that is my enemy; Thou art yourself, not some sort of pasty fleshbeing. What is human? It is neither hand nor foot, Nor mandible, nor feeler, nor any other part Belonging to a person or worm-like creature! O, be some other species! What's in a species? That which we call a rose by any other Genetic structure would smell as sweet Unless it were engineered to be odorous? So Wormon would, were he not a worm! Retain that dear sexaliciousness which he owes Without that species. Wormon, doff thy species, And for that species which is no part of thee Digivolve to Stingmon! [There is a bright flash of light, and an annoying transformation sequence. When the glow dies down, WORMON is no longer the small, weak caterpillar-like creature he was before. He is now a large, winged, humanoid with insect-like features, STINGMON.] STINGMON: Is this better? KIYONE: Well, um, you're more like a human, but you're still a different species. STINGMON: Weren't you bitching about me not having any external genitalia? KIYONE: Well, yes, but... STINGMON: Well, check this out. I don't think you'll be disappointed. [STINGMON reaches towards the chitinous armor at his crotch, but before he can do anything, CYRUS, DUO, and KEN enter from the elevator.] CYRUS: ...so anyway, that's why it took me so long to figure out we had just finished a season. DUO: Oh, that makes sense. KEN: [nods] Yes, it certainly does. After hearing that, I no longer think that was an idiotic thing to say, and you only said it to break the silence and get us to go to the bridge. DUO: Abso--[turns and sees STINGMON]--LY SHIT! WHAT IS THAT? CYRUS: Aliens have invaded the ship! Grab the plasma rifles and crossbows! KEN: No. It's just Wormon, but he digivolved. Call him Stingmon. DUO: "Digivolve"? What sort of stupid shit is that? I swear, they could have called it something less gay. Like "evolve" or "fuck up the ass". STINGMON: Thank you so much for your assessment. So, what brings you fellows here? [aside] They interrupted what was about to be some Earth-shattering sex! KIYONE: What was that? STINGMON: You heard that? But how? KIYONE: You just whispered it away from us. And not that quietly. STINGMON: But it was an aside! You guys can't hear an aside! DUO: I heard it. KEN: Me too. CYRUS: Yup. STINGMON: Well shit. Um, anyway, why are you guys here? DUO: Well, it wasn't to see Kiyone with the top two shirt buttons open, although it's certainly a welcome sight nonetheless. KIYONE: [looks down] SHIT! [KIYONE grabs her shirt closed and runs out, grabbing a pair of pants that had been thrown over the top of a chair near the exit as she leaves.] DUO: Thank you God, for that which you have given me. CYRUS: Anyway, yeah, we want to talk to Kagato. Think you can patch us through, Wormon? STINGMON: It's Stingmon. CYRUS: Fine. Stingmon, can you get us talking to Kagato? STINGMON: Sure. [STINGMON presses a few buttons on the console. Moments later, KAGATO appears on the main viewscreen.] KAGATO: What is it now? KEN: Well, um, we were hoping you might have a way to give us a-- [DUO leaps in front of KEN, interrupting him.] DUO: --X-Box! [CYRUS tackles DUO out of the way.] CYRUS: Ignore him. We want a Gamecube. And Super Smash Brother Melee. KAGATO: Ah, I see. Well, you see, I can do that. CYRUS: YES! KAGATO: But, I will need you to do something for me. CYRUS: What? KAGATO: I require you to put on a musical. CYRUS: WHAT? Why? KAGATO: Well, you see...[KAGATO clears his throat] [Sung to "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General" from Pirates of Penzance] Ohhhh... I am the very model of a modern major enemy I've information crossover, spam, regular, and lemony I've read through Phucknut, Tank Cop, even Alienboy Fifty-Two And still I cannot find a fic that will cause Ken to go cuckoo I am very well acquainted too with fics that lack in quality I've read through several billion in which Ryoko gets Te-hen-chi About Ayeka's evil I am teeming with a lot of news DUO: Shit, nothing rhymes with "lot of news" besides "hypotenuse". Kags is screwed. [KAGATO glares at DUO, then resumes singing.] About the many methods Clayton Overstreet forced her to use! CYRUS: Ha. Where's my twenty, Duo? I am very good at stomaching garbage that's out of character I've even seen those fics where someone breaks Sasami's "barrier" In short in matters crossover, spam, regular, and lemony I am the very model of a modern major enemy! I've learned many things while reading lemons than I'd care to know Like how women spray semen and places my penis should not go I've seen Tenchi get crossed over with things of which no one has heard. Like Ultima Trev's stupid shit or Super Defense Hummingbird. I've read all of those fics by that sick guy named Mister Sinister I know little about him but I know he is a lo-ho-ser He wants to nail Sasami but at least he makes her grow up first CYRUS: As if that's any consolation. But then he goes and fucks her in the orifice that is the worst. DUO: God, don't make me remember that. It seems there is no end to goddamn crossovers with Dragonball And there are even Pokemon ones where I go "Retch at 'em all" In short in matters crossover, spam, regular, and lemony I am the very model of a modern major enemy! In fact when I know what is meant by "torturing" and "pillaging" When I can kill an innocent and burn down a whole galaxy When toying with my foes and hurting their loved ones I'm better at And when I know precisely how to kill cabbits with a carrot When I know the progress that's been made in modern mad science When I know more of evil than a little man whose name's Clarence In short, when I've a smattering of elemental evilness, DUO: Alright, he's on "evilness". You can't tell me he's not fucked now. This line doesn't rhyme and if you point it out I'll kill you. In the face. CYRUS: Ouch. Burned. Though horrible violent acts of bad are obviously not for me Hell I only try them once or twice in every other century But still in matters crossover, spam, regular, and lemony I am the very model of the modern major enemy! KAGATO: So, you see, you should sing, or else I'll kill you. CYRUS: Makes sense. END ACT I ACT II: In Which Cyrus Comes Dangerously Close to Writing Child Pornography KEN: How did this happen? MISATO: How did what happen? KEN: This. Us. How'd we end up together? MISATO: I think it had something to do with both of us being young and horny, and my only options besides you were Duo and Cyrus. KEN: That could do it. [KEN looks around the bedroom and sighs.] KEN: What are we doing? Do we have any sort of a future together? Or is this just a relationship of necessity? MISATO: I don't know. It started out of necessity...but now, I don't know. I think I love you, Ken. KEN: I love you too, Misato. MISATO: Care to go again, dear? KEN: [grins] Of course. [MISATO rolls on top of KEN, but before anything can start, DUO enters the room.] DUO: HOOOOOOLY SHIT! [MISATO turns around, gasps, and grabs the blanket around herself. Unfortunately for KEN, this leaves him very exposed, and he runs off in the bathroom. As soon as he exits, CYRUS enters after hearing DUO's cry.] CYRUS: [Sung to "He Is an Englishman" from HMS Pinafore] Pretty crewmate of mine I insist upon knowing What you may be doing With this underaged guy. For this excellent teen, Though he's much smarter than me I don't know how you can be having sex legally. DUO: Now listen to him here, For he's much smarter than me And can't know how you can be Fucking this queer. [KEN returns and punches DUO in the stomach.] KEN: Now stupidass I am not gay I'm merely intellectual, not queer And if I was gay would I spend all day Having hot sex with Misato here? CYRUS: Oh horror! MISATO: KEN: He's arrogant, psychotic and smart I'm talented, well-endowed and smart But still twice as good in bed as you And don't forget I am good in bed. He's got a nice ass and a noble heart I've got a nice ass and noble heart Except when he tries to murder Du...o But sometimes I try to murder Du...o He's dared to try to touch my tits I've dared to try to touch her tits And because I need a lay he did And because she is a slut I did But now I've come to love his wit But now she's come to love my wit And his Rowsdowrian humor! And my Rowsdowrian humor! DUO and CYRUS: He is Rowsdowrian? [WORMON descends from an air vent, singing] WORMON: He is Rowsdowrian! For he himself hangs out here And he watches MSTs and jeers For he is Rowsdowrian! CYRUS, DUO, and WORMON: For he is Rowsdowrian! WORMON: He might have worked for Tay-ay-lor Suzuki or Bryan We-eh-ber Or perhaps for Glyph Bellchime! CYRUS: Her and Weber are getting married, you know. DUO: I heard. Congratulations to them. WORMON: Aren't we supposed to be singing? CYRUS: Oh, right. WORMON: But in spite of all the cruisers Where there are not all these losers He remains Rowsdowrian! CYRUS, DUO, and WORMON: He remains Rows-ows-ows-dow-ow-ow-ow-ow-OW! OW! OW! [MISATO is hitting them all with a wiffle bat.] MISATO: GET OUT OF HERE! I WANT TO GET DRESSED! CYRUS, DUO, and WORMON: But he is Rows-ows-ows-dow-ow-SHIT! [MISATO fires the sidearm in her jacket at them.] MISATO: STOP SINGING AND LEAVE! [CYRUS, DUO, and WORMON exit, hastily.] [DUO sighs.] DUO: This isn't going to work. Singing is too hard. Especially in text. CYRUS: We can't give up now! We only have one act left! DUO: Yeah, but we need to come up with at least three songs. CYRUS: We already have two! WORMON: No, we don't. We have to come up with three songs of our own, and Kagato's song doesn't count. DUO: Why are we doing this? CYRUS: For a Gamecube, of course! DUO: No, I was being deeper. Why are we MSTing? CYRUS: Oh, that's simple. You see... [Sung to the tune "A More Humane Mikado" from The Mikado] A more insane MST Captain never did in space exist And nobody else Has read through the hells Of a Gene Mesaki MST! It is my very insane endeavour To MST some awful fics To take the writer And start a fire To roast their stuff for kicks! My object so sublime I shall achieve in time-- To openly mock those fics that suck Mock those fics that suck! And in each goddamn MST We will get really pissed Then raise our hand and shake our fists Raise and shake our fists! The stupid foolish fetish writers Who give their girls dicks We call them queers And laugh and sneer 'bout how they live their fics The amateur author who's written villainies None would wish to see Will often be mocked For his tiny cock And awful analogies The writer who fails to watch the series Before writing stories His skills are lambasted His lineage blasted For gross inaccuracies. The idiot who sits down for a moment And writes a 10K fic He didn't spellcheck His fic is a wreck And he's a stupid prick My object so sublime I shall achieve in time-- To openly mock those fics that suck Mock those fics that suck! And in each goddamn MST We will get really pissed Then raise our hand and shake our fists Raise and shake our fists! DUO and WORMON: His object so sublime He shall achieve in time-- To openly mock those fics that suck Mock those fics that suck! And in each goddamn MST We will get real pissed Then raise our hand and shake our fists Raise and shake our fists! CYRUS: The SI-writing quack who wearies With tales of perfect men We laugh at the fool For he is a tool And he loses although he wins The song-fic writer waxes poetic And never says a thing The songs are just bad Their crap drives us mad The fic reaches no ending. The Sasami-rape author who anyone catches Meets a special fate He burns in hell His body does swell And nev'r 'gain masturbates. This is the worst curse that any one author Who writes that shit can have For they'll never have sex But those are effects Of failing to take a bath My object so sublime I shall achieve in time-- To openly mock those fics that suck Mock those fics that suck! And in each goddamn MST We will get really pissed Then raise our hand and shake our fists Raise and shake our fists! DUO and WORMON: His object so sublime He shall achieve in time-- To openly mock those fics that suck Mock those fics that suck! And in each goddamn MST We will get really pissed Then raise our hand and shake our fists Raise and shake our fists! DUO: So, that's it? Because we're full of hate? CYRUS: Basically. DUO: Sounds about right. [A door slams. MISATO runs through the lounge, crying, and she enters the elevator. A short time later, KEN walks into the lounge and sits down, sighing.] CYRUS: What was that all about? KEN: [sighs] I just broke up with her. [DUO smacks KEN. Hard.] DUO: You stupid idiot! Not only is she hot--by which I mean HOT--but we just improvised a whole song about how great you were and how she should keep giving you hot sex! KEN: I did it for her sake. We both knew it wouldn't work. CYRUS: Yeah, the age difference. And the statutory rape. KEN: It wasn't statutory rape. I'm sixteen. CYRUS: But you look so young. KEN: Yeah, I know. I think there was a screw up in your transportation device, because I existed outside of time for four years. CYRUS: You existed outside of time? DID YOU SEE HIM? DID YOU? [DUO kicks CYRUS out of the way.] DUO: Ignore the fangirl here. So what you're saying is that you existed in a temporal void for four years? And you didn't mention anything? KEN: It slipped my mind. And since when did you use words like "temporal void"? CYRUS: Because that's what it said on this card I was holding up for him. [CYRUS is holding up a 3x5 index card with DUO's lines written on it.] KEN: Oh. Well, yeah. So, you see, I'm technically sixteen. I just look young. And also, I'm above the legal age of consent in Japan, the nation of both Misato's origin and mine. So, our tryst was perfectly legal. CYRUS: Ah, excellent. So that means I won't have people stabbing me in my sleep for being a dirty pedophile. END ACT II ACT III: In Which Our Story is Concluded in a Vaguely Shakespearean Manner, Except Without All the Suicide MISATO: O, what tragic labor 'tis to have loved? Except for mine beer, that steadfast ally, The eternal comforter I imbibe, The mere thought of this love would defeat me! [KIYONE enters.] KIYONE: I thought I heard someone butchering iambic pentameter in here. What's wrong, Misato? MISATO: Alas! For what to be a lover spurned? Mine rejection harkens to those harsh fears, The fears betwixt which existence exists. Hear! My feet tread upon my heart so low. KIYONE: Jesus. You're the only person I know who's a Shakespearean drunk. Besides Shakespeare, I guess. [SHAKESPEARE is sitting in the corner of the galley, and throws a beer can at KIYONE.] SHAKESPEARE: Shuteth your fuckingeth moutheth, bitcheth. [SHAKESPEARE exits.] MISATO: Alas! My Shakespeare do be improper! I do not have enough apostrophes! The Bard 'twas rul'd by that bit of grammar! What hath this binging wrought 'pon my fair tongue? KIYONE: I know what it's wreaking upon my ears... MISATO: Hark! A message must be sent! Kagato! O, Kagato, can dost bring me more beer? For this life-filling beverage is gone, And I fear I may be sober 'fore bed! Dost thou wish upon me a hangover? Or perhaps my pain fuels your evil schemes? Nay! It matters not, for my wom'nly needs! Foremost my need for alcohol! Save me! KIYONE: Kagato can't hear you. And even if he could, I doubt he'd come running just because a drunken woman is spouting poorly composed Shakespearean verse. [KAGATO teleports in.] KAGATO: I received reports of Shakespearean verse in the area. Can I be of assistance? KIYONE: You did that just to spite me, didn't you? KAGATO: I'm not saying. MISATO: Alas! Alack! Alas! Alarm! Alvin! I am in need of that most vital drink, That sustaining fluid for this f'lorn life. Dost thou have a bit for me to keep, sir? KAGATO: Kiyone, please translate. KIYONE: She's out of beer. KAGATO: Well, I'm sorry. I don't have any, and even if I did, I would not give it to you. I could synthesize vodka, but I fear this state is not one I would wish upon my subjects. MISATO: Oh. Well, fuck you, you puritan asshole. I'm getting the hell out of here. Later. [MISATO stands up shakily, and stumbles out of the galley.] KAGATO: Moody bitch when she's drunk, ain't she? KIYONE: You're telling me. CYRUS: Um, what are you doing, Misato? MISATO: I told you, I'm leaving. CYRUS: No, I was wondering why you're taking my things and putting them into your suitcase. MISATO: This is my room. These are my things. CYRUS: No, this is MY room. These are MY things. YOUR room is across the hall. [MISATO mutters to herself and holds out a lacy black pair of panties.] MISATO: You can have this if you shut up. [Before CYRUS can grab the panties, DUO leaps forward and snatches it away, running off with it.] DUO: Woohoo! MISATO: [sighs] I should have expected something like that. CYRUS: Well, you know what they say. [sung to "A British Tar is a Soaring Soul" from HMS Pinafore.] Duo Maxwell is a sad pervert As horny as a twelve-year-old His energetic hand Will be wrapped around his man- hood and ready to jack off. [KIYONE enters.] KIYONE: He shall lube his hand CYRUS: And his palm will sweat KIYONE: His eyes roll back CYRUS: And his brow grows wet KIYONE: He shall grab his cock CYRUS: And his arm shall pump CYRUS and KIYONE: And his mind shall produce Images of your nice rump. [A CHORUS composed of about twenty fancily dressed men and women enters from CYRUS's bathroom.] CHORUS: He shall lube his hand and his palm will sweat His eyes roll back and his brow grows wet He shall grab his cock and his arm shall pump And his mind shall produce images of your nice rump. [There is a loud gunshot, and one a member of the CHORUS falls over dead. The rest of the CHORUS flees in terror. MISATO blows the smoke from her pistol.] MISATO: I am so glad I had this thing. You two had better never again sing about Duo masturbating to my underwear again. CYRUS: Um...sorry. [MISATO closes the suitcase.] MISATO: Well, you two, it's been a good ride. But you know, I can't survive on a beerless ship. So, I guess this is goodbye. CYRUS: Will you come visit occasionally? MISATO: Sure. [MISATO goes and hugs KIYONE.] MISATO: I'll never forget the night of passion we shared. CYRUS: Huh? Bwah? Yes? GAH? MISATO: [whispering to KIYONE] That's for the song you just sang. KIYONE: [whispering back] I'll miss you, you bitch. Now, get out of here. [MISATO walks past CYRUS, who is standing with his jaw agape.] MISATO: It was fun. I'll keep in touch [CYRUS recovers his senses.] CYRUS: There's a door on the lower floor; it's marked "Employees Only". That should take you home. MISATO: Thanks. I was about to look for a box labeled "Hamdingers". [MISATO kisses CYRUS on the cheek and darts out of the room.] DUO: Oh, sorry Misato. You leaving already? MISATO: Yeah. Goodbye. DUO: Hey, it's okay. Mind if I do one thing before you go? MISATO: Well, that depends on what-- [DUO slaps MISATO's ass. As soon as he does, MISATO slaps him across the face.] MISATO: You pervert. DUO: No, that's not perverted. What's perverted is that I'm wearing your panties. [MISATO looks down, her hand covering a smile.] MISATO: I won't forget you, Duo Maxwell. No matter how much therapy I take. [MISATO runs off down the hall, carrying her suitcase. As soon as she's gone, DUO shifts uncomfortably and scratches his crotch.] DUO: Shit, these things are uncomfortable. MISATO: *sighs* I never thought I'd end up enjoying this quite so much. [WORMON hops over a seat.] WORMON: Talk to Ken before you leave. MISATO: You care for him, don't you? WORMON: We've been through a lot together. MISATO: Okay, I will. [MISATO picks up WORMON and snuggles him.] MISATO: You're a sweet guy-caterpillar-thing. WORMON: [blushing] Aww... MISATO: And take care of Kiyone. [MISATO sets WORMON down on a seat and leaves.] WORMON: I'll do my best... [KEN enters.] KEN: Go ahead. It's what's best. MISATO: Ken... KEN: Don't worry about us. We'll do fine without you. We managed before you came along, we'll manage now. MISATO: What about you? KEN: I'm fine. I won't forget you, though. [MISATO opens her mouth to say something, then closes it. Instead, she moves forward and kisses KEN full on the lips. After a few moments, they both withdraw.] MISATO: I won't forget you, either, Ken. You were fantastic. [MISATO turns and picks up her suitcase and walks through the door, closing it behind her.] MISATO: SHIT! It's just a fucking broom closet! KEN: Try the switch at the back. MISATO: Oh, thanks. [There is a bright flash of light from crack under the door. Then, a thin haze of smoke seeps out through it.] END ACT III EPILOGUE KEN: [sighs] Did I screw up? Maybe it wasn't meant to be, but what if it was? [KEN sighs again, and reaches over to pick up his copy of The Analects.] KEN: Perhaps you have some answers, Confucius. [KEN opens the book, and an envelope labeled "Ken" falls out. KEN opens the envelope and pulls out a letter, reading its contents.] MISATO: [voiceover] Dear Ken, I know I probably wasn't anywhere near as eloquent or emotive as I should have been when I left. So I wrote this. Ken, nothing lasts forever. Our love was fantastic, but it wouldn't have lasted forever. MST crews are very transitory, and it's extremely likely we would have been returned to our homes after six episodes. But this one is still going, and I hope you stay with it. Really, all I have to say is "live". Enjoy your life every day as the miracle it is. People don't do that anymore, and that's probably what's wrong with the whole system right now. Enough of my prattling, though. I love you, Ken, and I shall do so until the end of my days. When we first met, it was magical, as was that first night. I don't know how we managed to keep our relationship secret for so long, but I'm glad we did. I'm glad we had what we did together, just between the two of us. I love the rest of the crew like family, too, but our relationship wasn't something to be shared. It was between the two of us, and I'm glad it stayed that way. You were right to end it, Ken. It wouldn't have worked. But I still love you. Kisses, Misato Katsuragi [KEN folds up the letter, puts it back in the envelope, and puts it in his desk drawer.] KEN: You were the best thing that ever happened to me, Misato. I love you too. [SONG: "Blue" by Yoko Kanno] Never seen a bluer sky Yeah I can feel it reaching out And moving closer There's something about blue Asked myself what it's all for You know the funny thing about it I couldn't answer No I couldn't answer Things have turned a deeper shade of blue And images that might be real May be illusion Keep flashing off and on Free Wanna be free Gonna be free And move among the stars You know they really aren't so far Feels so free Gotta know free Please Don't wake me from the dream It's really everything it seemed I'm so free No black and white in the blue Everything is clearer now Life is just a dream you know That's never ending I'm ascending *END* _______________________________________________________________________ Congratulations! You have just read the season finale of The Flight of the HMS Zap Rowsdower! But...did the crew ever get their Gamecube? Find out in the season priemere coming soon! I'd like to thank everyone who helped me get through ten MSTs: Jackson, David, and Nick, for giving me the encouragement to start and keep starting. Fish's Bitches (and the non-bitches, too), you know who you are. The AFC, for fueling my MST passion with their thread. Where I got to hang out with Loden Taylor's MST crew! Loden Taylor! The Digger Smolken, for giving me some good fanmail. Jackson again, for relentlessly insulting me. Evil Asian Genius, for making me realize how funny Kagato can be. Rat, for his help on Episode 9 Dark Jezter, for inadvertently inspiring this finale. Fish and Mary, for their help on this finale. Kagato the Ruins Buster, for being Kagato. The creators of the original MST3K. The authors of the First Amendment. Um, that's my list. Sorry if you read it and didn't like it, but eh, whatever. If I forgot to thank you and you think I owe you thanks, maybe you should get over yourself. Anyway, I hope you keep reading, and be sure to email me with feedback at rowsdower@seanbaby.com!