Loden sat in his darkened quarters, peering through the viweport at the infinite majesty of space. As he watched, music drifted around him, the melody rising and falling like waves against the seashore. Immersed in solitude, Loden contemplated his latest mission. It was time to MST once again. This time his quarry was a fic of such utter WRONGNESS, that it would be an affront to humanity if it were allowed to exist intact. It would be painful, but he had a good crew, and he knew they could take it. His musings were interrupted by knocking. Turning, he found Gordon Freeman standing in his doorway. "The fic is ready," Gordon said. "Everyone's waiting in the lounge." Tilting his head slightly, he listened to the music that was playing. "What's this?" Loden stood. "It's a piece by Bach called 'Komm, Susser Tod.' Translated, it means "Come, Sweet Death." Freeman whistled. "This new one's that bad?" Loden grimaced. "It's bad all right. Another AAA-PhuckNut fic. You'll see when we get in there." He paused to turn off the music, then joined Freeman as they headed towards the theater. ------------------------ Loden Taylor presents: An MST of "Tenchi the Thug" Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo!, and it's characters, are the property of Pioneer and AIC. Gordon Freeman is the property of Valve software. Urania, on the other hand, belongs to the world. I'm not making any money off of this, so please don't sue. As always, I'm open to C&C. My e-mail is loden_t@hotmail.com. CORRECTIONS: In my last disclaimer, there was a misprint. The top line read "An MST of 'Euphoria'." Obviously, this was wrong, as the piece being MST'd was "Magical Girl Pretty Noboyuki." The author apologizes and regrets any inconvenience. With any luck, I can avoid any more mistakes (I get a little neurotic about them). And now, on with the MST! ------------------------ : Well, here we are again. Another AAA-PhuckNut piece? : Afraid so. And, from the notes, this one is even worse than the last one. : Oh, great. He's getting to be my favorite author. Does he kill Sakuya 10 times over in this one, too? : Not that I know of. But there'll be plenty of insanity, that's for sure... Tenchi the Thug By AAA-PhuckNut (viperz00@winfire.com) : Welcome back, PhuckNut. We missed you. Disclaimer: This fic contains sex and stuff so you have to be 18+ to read it. Also, all characters protrayed in this fic are owned by Pioneer and AIC so I make no claims to the characters. _______________________________________________________________________ : Hey, the lines are back. It's kind of like seeing an old friend, you know? : Yeah, I know what you mean. Come back soon, lines! Washu had been in her lab for a week straight, working on her newest, greatest invention she had made yet! Of course, no one else knew what she was working on though...... "At last! My latest invention is now complete!" yelled a very happy Washu. : It's the ANTI-LEMON beam! It has the incredible effect of convincing horribly out-of-character people to wake up, and not do stuff like sleep with Sasami. : Wow. I think we need one of those. "My invention is so perfect! It can totally alter the personalty of a person in seconds!! I can't wait to test it out!" Washu chimed very happily, yet devilishly. : Ok...so it's not exactly the ANTI-LEMON beam, but there's still hope! It could be used to give a hentai freak the personality of, say, a cabbage, thereby rendering him unable to sleep with anything! : Good thinking. Everyone else in the household had been going on with their lives like normal, : Let me guess...Sasami cooked, Kiyone yelled at Mihoshi for making them late for work all the time, Ryoko and Ayeka fought over Tenchi, and Tenchi trained with Yosho and sat around being indecisive. : Woah, cliche city. except they had been wondering what Washu was up to all that time she was in her lab. All of the girls and Tenchi, minus Washu, were just sitting around in the living room, when Tenchi asked, : Where have all the cowboys gone? : You know, I had almost managed to forget that that song ever existed. Thanks for bringing it back to my attention, Gordon. : No prob. "Does anyone have any clue as to what Washu is working on now??" "Its funny you ask that Tenchi." said Washu, which to everyones suprise had snuck up on them just before Tenchi asked his question. : Funny "ha ha," or funny "what the hell?" : I'm thinking it's the kind of funny that makes you want to claw at your face. "Well, actually, I haven't created anything new, I was just cleaning up my entire lab a bit." said Washu. "You took a whole week to just clean your lab?!" said Tenchi. "Well my lab does expand over the size of multiple planets!" said Washu proudly. "Oh, I see your point." said Tenchi. : USELESS DIALOGUE! Now with 20% more COW PARTS! Everyone else just didnt really give a damn at all anyways and had already left to just finish the rest of their day. Washu returned to her lab to admire her creation. : Well, that scene just kinda went nowhere. : That's ok. It's good when fics like these go nowhere. It keeps us from reaching our horrible destination. : Flint, Michigan? : ...um...sure, it could be Flint...it's horrible enough, I suppose... "Well, Tenchi will be the perfect subject for my experiment! And the best part is I can do it to him while he sleeps! That way I wont have to lure him down here and into a trap." said Washu quietly to herself. Later that night, Ayeka and Sasami were already sleeping, Yosho was at his shrine, Ryo-okie was sleeping on the living room floor, Washu was in her lab, Kiyone and Mihoshi were out on patrol and weren't due back for at least a week, : Oh darn. It looks like I'll miss all the wacky fun. : Wow...sarcasm. Noboyuki was busy watching his porno flicks inside his bedroom, and the only people still moving about were Ryoko and Tenchi. "Tenchiiiiii!" said a very horny Ryoko as she glomped onto Tenchi. : Did you see it? "Horny." It's one of the words that can be used to spot bad fan fics. : But just because the word "horny" is used doesn't mean the fic is trash. : Indeed. Look for its use in conjunction with words such as "cunt," "meat," "rod," and "love hole." : Wow. Thank you, professor. "Please Ryoko, im really not in the mood to screw around right now, I want to get some sleep." said an angry Tenchi. : So he and Ryoko have screwed around before. He's just not in the mood right now. : Apparently. Ryoko pouted a bit then said, : You won't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore! : Wow. A double impression. That takes talent. : I know. "Fine Tenchi, but just you wait till morning! I'll have you then!" : I'll get you, my pretty! And your little cabbit, too! Then Ryoko phased away, and Tenchi headed to his bedroom mumbling to himself, "Gee, I wonder what Ryoko will try to do to me tomorrow morning" said Tenchi in a sarcastic tone of voice. : Try and seduce you. Weren't you listening? After Tenchi retired to his room, he had fallen asleep pretty quickly, the devilish little red haired Washu stepped out of her lab snickering to herself as she head up the stairs towards Tenchi's bedroom. She stepped into his bedroom and quitely approached his bed, "Now lets see what type of personality I should give Tenchi." Washu whispered to herself. : Give him the personality of Christopher Walken! : Kagato. I don't want to die on Jurai. Japan, maybe. You can come to Japan one day, if you want, and try and kill me... : Or like he was in "Sleepy Hollow." : Oh, you mean "RRAARGH!" : Bingo. : Oh, wait. Was he the exterminator in that one movie that Mihoshi likes? What was it called...Mouse Hunt? : That's him. You've seen some of his stuff? : Some of it. He's a good actor, but he kind of freaks me out. : I'm just wondering why a 2000+ year old muse is a fan of Christopher Walken's. : Hey, you try living as long as I have and not watching a few movies now and then... "Hmmm... I need to give him one that would be very easy to notice, so I will know if it worked or not.... I got it!" Washu whispered very enthusiastically this time. : I'll give him the personality of a sexually repressed, indecisive little...oh, wait. "The classic American Detroit Thug Personallity! aka: ADTP" Washu snickered under her breath. : This doesn't sound very scientific... : Screw scientific, this just doesn't sound like it's going to end well... And with a few clicks Washu's invention was ready to go, she aimed and fired, and then nothing happend, Washu was very puzzled, "Wasnt it supposed to make a sound or something?" Washu asked herself. "I guess it didn't work... DAMN! and all that hard work too!!" Washu said that so loud it almost woke Tenchi up. Quickly Washu left Tenchi's room and returned to her lab, very angry at what had happend. : Ooh! Ooh! The lines should be coming back soon! _______________________________________________________________________ : YAY! : Damn, we're stupid. The morning soon arrived and the sunlight shone in through Tenchi's window. A groggy Tenchi awoke only to be greeted a split second later by a naked Ryoko landing on top of the blanket he was under and locking into a deep kiss with him, "MMMMPPHHHH" moaned Tenchi. : Well, MMPH! to you too. "Im sorry, were you trying to say something?" asked Ryoko very seductively. : Yeah, I was trying to say "MMMMPPHHHH." "DAMN BITCH! you is one fine ass hoe!" beamed Tenchi. : 0_0' : Downward spiral, here we come. : I sense...a great disturbance in the force... Ryoko just sat there stunned at what Tenchi just said, that is untill Tenchi ripped off his blanket showing Ryoko his naked body and his growing hard on. Tenchi just grabbed ahold of Ryoko and slammed his cock into her pussy, : This is...odd. : I have a feeling that things will only get weirder. "Ooooh Tenchi, Im so suprised!" Ryoko managed to choke out. : "Surprised" doesn't begin to describe it. "Whose yo daddy! whose yo daddy!" said Tenchi as he rammed her harder and harder. : Well, technically the Mass are her father, so... : I think the question was rhetorical. Ryoko was in total bliss as Tenchi fucked her, sending her into orgasm after orgasm. Tenchi blew his load into her, : "Blew his load." Would that be another sign of a bad fic? : Excellent! You're picking up on the subtle signs of a lemon. : Subtle my ass. This is the lemon equivalent of a stick to the face. then set her down in the bed next to him and got up to get dressed, Ryoko just sat there dazed in mix of happy and puzzled emotions. Tenchi headed down the stairs and ran into Ayeka on the way, "Tenchi are you alright?? I heard some loud noises and came up to check and see if you were ok!" said a very worried Ayeka. "Damn girl! you is one white ass cracka!" said Tenchi. "E...x..cuse me?" Ayeka stammered out. "All yo white folk be hatin up on ma skin color, damn crackas." Tenchi murmured as he walked passed a dazed Ayeka. : WHAT?!? : And racial stereotyping raises its ugly head. : This is going to turn into a 'blacksploitation' film, isn't it? I thought those died out in the 70's. Tenchi proceeded to the kitchen where he was greeted by a wonderful smell, "What be cookin? it betta be KFC and biscuits and gravy or i gunna bust out ma nine and blast someones ass." Tenchi said to Sasami as he walked into the kitchen. : Oh...my...God... : This is bad. REALLY bad. Like, 'bordering on racism' bad. : And it's only going to get worse. "Wwwhat?" Sasami asked. "y'all herd what i be sayin hoe!" Tenchi snapped back. Sasami started cry at the cruel things Tenchi had said, : Ooooohh...not only do we have stereotyping, but we've also got cruelty to Sasami. Someone's going to pay. : I'm with you. If he does anything to her... "Shut yo fuckin mouth biatch!" screamed Tenchi. : This is getting ugly, fast. : We may have to get violent... Then when Tenchi noticed there wasnt any KFC or biscuits and gravy, he got very angry and pulled out his glock nine, (no gangsta should ever be without it! I guess thats why he has one) : I guess. : I'm warning you......DON'T. : I didn't think even PhuckNut could sink so low... "THATS IT MUTHA FUCKA!!!! YOU GOIN DOWN BIATCH!" screamed Tenchi, as he proceeded to blast her ass into the next millenium, making a humping motion every time he fired a shot. : NOOO! : ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHH! THAT'S IT! EAT THIS!! : That's what I was trying to tell you. The screen is practically indestructible. Still, I hope you feel a little better, after all that. : Slightly. And where did you learn to do that? : It's a demigod thing. "Straight up Detroit husslin!" beamed a proud Tenchi. : You want to talk straight up? How about I shove my FOOT straight up your ASS?!? Then Tenchi proceeded to steal her shoes, : Wonderful. Now that we've killed Sasami, we can get back to the racism. and just as Tenchi was stuffing Sasami's body into a cabinent, Ayeka came running into the kitchen after hearing the loud bangs. : Up next on Stereotype Theater, the Death of Ayeka! : Oh, good. I just love it when all of the main characters die horribly. : Well, if they're in a fic like this, they might be better off dead... : But then, on the other hand, maybe PhuckNut would be better off dead. : Yeah, you've got a point there. Ayeka was totaly shocked at what she saw next, a pool of blood on the floor, and Tenchi shoving Sasami's corpse into the cabinent. "OH MY GOD! Tenchi what have you done!!!!!" yelled Ayeka. : I just got medieval on her ass. Weren't you watching? "Damn not yo cracka ass again! well i cant be lettin yo go to da cops bout dis one..." said Tenchi. : Hmmm...maybe this is really an adaptation of "MacBeth." : You might have a point there. Wasn't MacBeth a gangster? : I thought he was. So Ryoko would be Lady MacBeth... : Yeah, I definitely see the parallels between this and Shakespeare. Tenchi then loaded a new clip into his trusty gun, and before Ayeka even had the chance to run, Tenchi pulled up his gun and held it sideways, in true ghetto fashion, : BAM! BAM! BAM! Dammit, bitch, why can't I hit you? : Perhaps if you tried holding the gun correctly, and aiming... and pumped her white ass with a clip load of lead. : But she isn't white, since she's not of European descent... : I wouldn't sweat it. We entered the 'No Logic Zone' long ago. "Aint no hoes gonna be sendin me to da slamma again!" said Tenchi as he repeatedly shot her lifeless body. : Hey, Loden, remind me to thank you later for showing us this wonderful piece of art. : Well, it was either this, or "Yosho, the old man who rapes teenage boys." I thought that this one was less painful. : What could be more painful than an insane killfest with overtones of racism? : Well, remember before our first MST, when I gave that presentation? : Yeah. : Remember how I said reading bad fics made me feel like my brain was getting raped? : ...yes... : That actually happens in "Yosho, the old man who rapes teenage boys." : Never mind, then... Tenchi then headed out of the house and up stairs towards the shrine. : Wow! What sort of wacky hijinks will our hero get himself into next? "YO, anyone home?" Tenchi said as he approached the shrine. : Just then, Kagato (having mysteriously come back to life) fell upon Tenchi and cut his head off with a bigass energy sword. The End. : Oh, if only we were so lucky... Yosho stepped out of the shrine and saw Tenchi, "Ahh Tenchi you are here pretty early" said Yosho. "Yo dawg wazzup?" asked Tenchi. : : Any "wazzup" jokes and I'll start killing. : I wasn't going to say anything... After hearing what Tenchi just said, Yosho knew it was time to show his true form. A bright light flashed over Yosho and when the light went away, all that remained was a black thug. "Wutup mah nigga!" said Yosho. : -_-' : Can we start committing ritual suicide now? Please? : Sorry. Anyone who kills themselves gets brought back and forced to watch the fic in its entirety for 24 straight hours. : Ouch... "Ma brutha! long time no see dawg!" said Tenchi. "Yo got yous a crack pipe? i gots sum crack rock in here." said Yosho. Tenchi then pulled out a crack pipe from his pocket and him and Yosho went into the shrine and smoked some crack, like the crack heads they are. : You mean like the crack head the AUTHOR is... : No kidding. You've got to be pretty gone to come up with something like this. : Speaking of which, did you know that AAA-PhuckNut just MST'd Magical Girl Pretty Noboyuki? : His own piece, huh? : What can I say? "Yo nigga, lets blow this joint." said Tenchi. "I hear ya dogg." said a wacked out Yosho. : "Wacked out" doesn't begin to describe it. : Hell, "acid flashback" doesn't begin to describe it. : The stupidity! Oh, God, the stupidity! Yosho then pressed a button on a statue, and a large garage door opened and a lowered purple 1977 LTD rolled out, it was one phat ride, sittin on gold spokes, hydraulics, and one phat ass sound system to boot. "Check out ma pimpin ride, nigga." said Yosho. "Damn dawg, that bein one phat ride." said Tenchi. : AAAARGH! This is so INCREDIBLY STUPID! : Stupid, with a side of racial stereotyping. : And a big glass of idiocy. : Served to you by a twitching, drug freak of an ignorant writer. Tenchi hopped into the driver seat, and Yosho hopped in the back and proceeded to lock and load his guns to do some drive by's in Tokyo. : Drive-by's of whom? Who, exactly, are your rivals in Tokyo?!? Do you even HAVE any?!? : Maybe there's a rival Shinto priest he's been looking to cap. : Ooh, yeah. They can get vicious. Almost as bad as Rabbis. : Right. I'll say it...SARCASM! Just as Tenchi was about to drive away he said, "Shit dawg, fuck, i needs ta go pick up mah hoe" : Shit dawg! Ya knows I can'tst understands ya when ya talk like ya doin a bad gangsta impression! Fuck shit hoe dawg bitch! Busta cap! : Are you down with that? : Word. Tenchi hopped out of the car and ran to his bedroom where a still stunned Ryoko lay on his bed, Tenchi grabbed Ryoko's arm, which startled Ryoko, and head for the door, "Les go bitch, we be blowin dis joint!" blared Tenchi. : I think this is one of those classic scenes that you never forget. Kind of like the "frankly Scarlet, I don't give a damn" scene from Gone With the Wind. : I know. I'll always remember when Tenchi said "Les go bitch, we be blowin dis joint!" Ryoko just nodded and followed along and they hopped into the car. Washu came out of her lab : Hey, it's Washu! If anyone can fix this, she can! HEY, WASHU! HELP! and headed towards the kitchen, when she arrived she screamed in horror as she saw Ayeka's bullet ridden corpse lying on the floor. Washu immediatly headed out the front door only to be confronted by Kiyone and Mihoshi, : Look, Kiyone, it's you! : Oh, GREAT. Let's see how long I last. : The way this fic is going, I'd say you'll be dead in about three seconds. "Hi Washu! We are home a little early because Kiyone said we couldnt afford anymore food!" said a very enthusiastic Mihoshi. "Mihoshi, will you shutup!!" screamed Kiyone. : WHAT?!? It isn't me! It's the fic's me! I don't bitch THAT much, you know... "Oh my god! We have terrible news..." Washu said, but was cut short by a strange rumbling. "That rumbling is very strange... its too rythmic to be an explosion." Washu said, apparently forgetting about the news she was going to say to Kiyone and Mihoshi. : 'cause, you know, it's pretty easy to forget that fact that Ayeka and Sasami are dead. Kiyone was about to reply, when all of the sudden a purple LTD came speeding around the corner, with the bass from its music rattling everything around. The LTD came speeding for them, and just as it was coming very close to them, Washu screamed, "SHIT!! GET THE FUCK DOWN!!" : HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OOC dialogue! I love it! : Really? : No. But it was too late, the LTD speed by and Yosho stuck his AK-47 out the window and loaded Washu, Kiyone, and Mihoshi with hot steaming lead. : Well, I guess Washu won't be helping us, after all. : Hey, wow. Kiyone, you lasted more than three seconds. : Yeah, I guess I was wrong. It was more like eight seconds. : Well, at least I didn't end up as one of Tenchi and Yosho's "hoe's" : "Yosho's hoe's" It rhymes! As Tenchi drove away, Ryoko gave him head while he was driving, and Yosho said, "I smoked those cracka asses!!!" : And that, I think, sums up the American Dream. Yeah. : Uh-huh. Hunter S. Thompson, this guy AIN'T. Then the effects of the personality device on Tenchi wore off, and he didn't know where the hell he was, : I feel about the same, at the moment. and he felt something really moist rubbing up and down his penis, and he looked down to see Ryoko giving him one sweet blow job, Tenchi couldn't hold himself any longer and he cummed into her mouth as he let out a sigh of relief, but with all this action going on, Tenchi forgot that he was driving and they drove off a cliff screaming all the way down untill they crashed onto the ground and their car promptly exploded, incinerating all 3 of them. : YES! : Well, except for Ryoko. She didn't do anything wrong. She was just poorly written. : I still think everyone's better off dead in this fic. _______________________________________________________________________ : Wait, there's more?!? All that remained was Noboyuki and Ryo-okie. Without Sasami around to cook the food, Noboyuki became very hungry and ate Ryo-okie raw. : Oh, good. It's turning into "And Then There Were None." : Wow. You've read Agatha Christie? : Hey, you gotta pass the time on patrol somehow... : Do you suppose the Judge did it in this one, too? : Eh...no. And I hope no one reading this is also reading "And Then There Were None," because you just gave away the ending. : Ah, sue me. Then Noboyuki went to jackoff to some porn, he jacked off to hard and his penis ripped off. : : Sick to the very end. : Nobuyuki? : No, the author. Seeing that he no longer had a penis, Noboyuki knew there was no more point to life, so he promptly killed himself. : Yes. Good. Everyone's dead. Now END! _______________________________________________________________________ THE END : YEAH! Wasnt that a very happy story? : Fuck no. Well I hope you had a good laugh, cause I sure did writing it. Tell me what you think of my first FanFic and email me at: viperz00@winfire.com Note: the 00 in viperz00 are zero's not o's : Whatever. Let's get out of here. : That was bad. Oh, man, was it bad. Did I mention it was bad? : Yes. : Good, 'cause it was. ------------------------ : Oh, man. I wasn't expecting something THAT bad. I think everyone deserves time off for that one... Um...guys? What are you doing? : We're burning AAA-PhuckNut in effigy. Want to join us? : -_-'...eh heh...no, that's alright. You go ahead. I just want to get your ratings. How stupid? : 5. : 5. : Are you sure we can only give up to 5? Because I think 1,000 would be more appropriate. : No, sorry, just up to 5...how disgusting? : There wasn't much really sick stuff, but I thought the racial stereotyping was pretty disgusting. I'd give it a 5. : I'm with you on that one. 5. : 5. Oh, God, is it a 5. : Right. How disturbing? : Hmmmm...I'd give it a 1. It was bad - John Tesh bad - but it won't keep me awake at night. : 3. My brain feels dirty. : I'll split the difference. 2. : Ok then. So, with my scores, we get 5 for stupidity, 5 for disgustingness, and a 2 for disturbability. : Well, now that that's all done with, you want to join in? We've still got three dummies left. : Nah. You go ahead. I'm going to go and try to forget I ever saw that accursed fic. Later. ------------------------ Relaxing in his quarters, Loden smiled to himself. Another horrible fic MST'd, another job well done. Leaning back in his chair, he put on a bit of music to celebrate... "CHANGE MY PITCH UP! SMACK MY BITCH UP!" And so, until we MST again... ------------------------ Stinger: But it was too late, the LTD speed by and Yosho stuck his AK-47 out the window and loaded Washu, Kiyone, and Mihoshi with hot steaming lead. As Tenchi drove away, Ryoko gave him head while he was driving, and Yosho said, "I smoked those cracka asses!!!"