Deep in the darkest recesses of the earth, there exists a place that many are unsure of even exists, and that facts known by those that know are few and far in between. What is known however, is that weird stuff goes on there, and it aint fun. 20 miles beneath the surface of the Earth, there lies.... MST THEATER #3 A Grindhouse Productions Production ********* The scene is set like this: Hawk with Ryoko at a table, eating hot dogs. Dave showing off his new hot pants to Kekito, the female love interest of Meguyo from the obscure series "Boy!"(TM). Suddenly.... (Eating hot dogs) Sometimes I feel like a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest For the last time Dave, I dont want to see the gecko camouflaged against your pants!! (Whining) But it really is.... (Suddenly in the control room for no reason) AND NOW FOR A REDICULOUSLY POINTLESS SELF INSERTION FIC !!!! I CAN ONLY TALK IN CAPS !!! Whoa, that was quick. Arent you going to tell us what it is before telling us its pointlessly stupid? All fanfics are pointlessly stupid. For chrissake, its people writing stories about CARTOON CHARACTERS Not the X-Files fanfics. They're about real people....playing.....fake people.... (Suddenly back in the room) Doth any person want to knowest what be-eth our fic? I canst only talketh in Latin. Hey. What the hell are you doing out of the cage !!!! (Grabs fake Hawk) Ok, this is just stupid now. Help me out here will ya? No problemo! (Chucks fake hawk into cage) Nice. So Hawk, whats our fic for today? A scintilating bit of sandskrit known as "A new Friend" Wait, isnt that the one by Phaw? Oh my god..... Not this bastard again! Isnt this the guy that has Maxim? Yep. Brace yourselves for MAXIMum stupidity!! Warning klaxons go off everywhere. MSTers scream and start running in all directions. Warning: T minus 10 seconds to fan fic. Get ready! Get set! (Deadpan) Get bent TIME FOR THE SHOW!!!! ***************** A New Friend??? Its always a possibility Not with Phaw What kind of name is Phaw anyway? A name to inspire fear and loathing Only in Las Vegas I don't own any Tenchi character. They all belong to someone else, I'm just borrowing them for this story. I do though, own Maxim, This dork owns an entire magazine publication?! I think theres a catch here.... he is of my own creation. See 720 years ago..... An object is flying towards earth, it is a sleek, white pod object. The space chicken invasion has begun!! Aieeee!!! It has a mysterious cargo inside. No doubt the author's brain I'll be that could fit an inside an egg It stalls a little before starting the downward spiral towards Earth. I think hes referring to the plot It crashlands in a heavily forested, mountainous area in Japan. 725 years later.... Wasnt it 720 years ago that the first thing happened? Yeah, were five years into the future That would make Tenchi around 22 years old and STILL living with his parents I bet he'd do that anyway Tenchi Masaki is walking towards his friend Washuu's lab. Washu's a friend? I thought she merely tolerated his presence! Naw, thats TV Washu. You get that impression from her because she never says anything to Tenchi Tenchi: I wonder what Washuu is doing.... (Goes inside) He sees Washuu staring at a map. (Tenchi) Uh oh, Washu's gotten one of those staring spells again Its just the brain aneurysm, nothing serious Thats what you get when you stare at computer screens all day long Hmm......that would be a problem for me Tenchi: What's the matter Washuu? Why are you looking at that map for? Washuu: Oh! Hi Tenchi, I've picked up an old signal from inside the forest surrounding us. Tenchi: Do you know what it is? Nothing dangerous I hope. (Washu) Dont worry, its probably just some old pervert in the forest with a Hamm radio That would explain teh "old signal" phenomenon Washuu: Hardly, it's just out there. Seems to be a very old signal. At least 700 years old. Tenchi: (Insert drop) 700 years!!!! Washuu: Yep you're right. So.... do you want to go investigate? Tenchi: Well, okay. Are you sure about this Washuu? This could be a bomb or something. When was the last time you saw a 700 year old bomb? Dont worry, its just Tenchi being stupid Washuu: C'mon Tenchi, it'll be exciting. They enter the forest... Washuu is using tracking equipment. If you havent noticed already, 3rd person narration does not make for an interesting story 3rd person narration....for those with no writing talent Same things as self-inserts and MSTs Dave, you just burned yourself How? You've done a self insertion AND a MST already!! I think our fearless MSTing leader just got a self-whuppin Washuu: It's over there. Tenchi: Let's go see what it is. (Washu) No, not that way you fool! They find the pod object half-submerged in the ground. Invasion of the body snatchers anyone? Washuu: Here it is! Tenchi: Well? What now? Incredibly cheesy plotline? Ridiculously over powered assholes? Author glorifying himself to fulfill a silly fantasy that he knows will never come true for the fact that hes a social outcast? ?? Self insertion, its what its all about Not MY self insertion Washuu: Hold on.... Washuu taps some buttons on her computer.. Washu and her computer.... I wonder if she ever uses that thing to access Cyberotica.com She doesnt need to. She can create her own pleasures Pod disappears. Tenchi: Where'd it go? Washuu: I just put it in my lab. Tenchi: That was very quick, at least I didn't have to dig it up. They arrive back at the Masaki Residence. Ryoko and Ayeka are fighting (Yet again). Yet again, another overly used stupid cliche' Tenchi: WILL YOU TWO JUST STOP IT!! Ryoko and Ayeka freeze.... Oh my god! 3 separate people just broke character simultaneously! Its OOC madness!! Ryoko: Oh! Hi Tenchi, how's it going today? (Tenchi) Oh, nothin' much. Just found another weird pod outside that just happened to land right in this very area (Ayeka)Oh, not AONTHER one! Thats the 12th this month!! Tenchi: We just found this wierd pod. Come see it, and try not to fight. Ryoko: Okay. (Lying) Sasami enters the house... Ryo-ohki follows. Sasami: What's going on? Ayeka: Tenchi and Washuu found a strange object. Later on.... Everyone is looking at the pod. Tenchi: So what is it Washuu? Washuu: This is an old Chryopod, used before I was imprisoned and sent here 700 years ago. At Safeway, your egg-shaped pods will always be fresh Ryoko: So let's open it. No Ryoko, you'll have to wait for Christmas morning Washuu: Hold on, these were used to hold food, supplies, and inter-galactic criminals. I sure hope not all at once So pods used to house dangerous inter-galactic criminals are just sent out to amble through space? Man, the justice system of the future sucks Ayeka: So don't touch anything Ryoko. Ryoko: What's that supposed to mean? It means, dont touch anything Ryoko Ayeka: You'd push that button without any second thoughts. Washuu: I'm picking up life signs inside. Someone's inside. That last phrase came straight from the Department of Redundancy Department Ryoko: Let's see what's in inside. (Pushes a button on the pod) Ayeka: See what I was saying Ryoko? You never listen. Pod opens with a hiss, steam fills the room. Looks about right for the obligatory steamy love scene With Phaw, you can guarantee it Tenchi: What's inside? Washuu: We'll find out. Coughing is heard inside the pod... Voice: Shit! How long have I been in here? Tenchi: Hello? Voice: Yes? What do you want? Tenchi: Are you alright? Voice: Of course I'm alright!!! Tenchi: Umm... need help? Voice: No, I can get myself out. Is it just me, or were those sentences strung together very weirdly? Stuff like this happens when you get an inflated SI head A man walks out.... he has greenish-blue hair, a grey goatee, and is wearing battle armor. Since when do inter-galactic criminals wear battle armor? And have facial hair different from their regular hair color? The champagne's not Corbel? Man: Hello, I'm Pat! Just plain old Pat! Just Pat... okay? Its time for androgyny... Its Pat!!! Tenchi: Okay. Hi Pat. "Pat": How's it going? Ayeka: Pleased to meet you Pat. I'm princess Ayeka of Jurai. "Pat": Jurai? Ayeka: Yes... why? Are you from there? "Pat": No, I just know an awful lot about stinkin' Jurai.... I mean heavenly Jurai.(Smiles) Ayeka, meet Mr. Conspicuous. Mr. Conspicuous, Ayeka Ayeka:(Inesrt drop)...... ?? Ryoko: So Pat... are you a criminal? "Pat":(Insert two drops) Me? Aw no! I'm just a humble.... merchant yeah, I'm a merchant. Sasami: Hi Pat. I'm Sasami, Ayeka's sister. (Maxim) Hey Sasami, how'd you like me to "Merchandise" you? (Sasami) You're a doo doo head! "Pat": Please to meet you aquaintance. Kiyone and Mihoshi enter lab.... And have hot, freaky, lesbian sex!! Everyone, meet Dave, Thomas Doscher Junior Tenchi: Hey Kiyone, meet Pat. Its Pat!! He was locked in this Chryopod and we let him out. For being such a good puppy Ayeka: Kiyone and Mihoshi belong to Galaxy Police. "Pat":(Insert three drops) Galaxy Police? Kiyone: Wait, I think I've seen you before. "Pat": Heh heh, what do you mean??? Kiyone pulls out her ID, and scrolls through GP files.... Kiyone: He is not Pat. Tenchi: What? Kiyone shows a picture of "Pat". It says WANTED above the picture and the name reads: Maxim. (Kiyone) Whoops! Gotta keep my magazines outta the GP files! I wonder what other magazines she keeps in there "Pat": So you found out that I was lying. What are you going to do about it? Okay, My name is Maxim. What do you plan to do with me? Love you! Kiyone: He is charged with accounts of: Murder in the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, and 9th degree, Homocide, premeditated murder, voluntary manslaughter, involuntary manslaughter, wanted mass destruction, Its WANTON you idiot!! This guy must've slept through High School English I doubt hes ever been to a high school Or speaks English! concealed weapons, drug smuggling, unjust lanuage, and worldwide manslaughter. He's a Bounty Hunter, Assassin, and Criminal. (Maxim) But only on the weekends. In my spare time, Im a freelance gardener and author of children's books. We's wanted by the Jurai Royal Family, 0_0 Did he just say "We's"??!!! Maxim's a hick!! Galaxy Police, and 50 other races. He's also the best Bounty Hunter ever known. Tenchi: Anything else? Maxim: I've also killed over 166890 people in my life time. But whos keeping count anyway? I've done search and retrieve, stakouts, snipering, drug smuggling, and everything that the good book tells you not to. (Maxim) Im also a master of humility (Groans) He sure is Gawd, Im already tired of this crap, lets take a break Agreed They do *************** The MSTers exist the halls of the theater. Hawk is caught in a gooey death trap of bubblegum mixed with 700 year old soda. He is soon freed, but may never be the same again. Man, the crapiness of this fic is gonna make the ending torture session all the more sweet Yeah, its too bad we have to do this again with Phaw's next fic, "Adjusting to Maxim" Theres two of these??!! Err...not quite Whaddya mean, not quite? Theres six Ho....lee......SHIT Yep, thats what I thought at first too We have to MST this author's shit 5 more times??!! Yep Phaw....must.....DIE No time for that! We gotsta get back! And so they do *************** Kiyone: He's also gone under the aliases of: Kaz, Ricki Ticki, Mike Hawkins, and Pat. Maxim: I hate Jurais, Royal Families, and the like. But I do like girls, beer, hunting and fishing. Its official, Maxim's a hick Yep, he may like girls, but girls certainly dont like him Hell yeah I bet he likes pro wrestling and tractor pulls too Kiyone: And I'm taking you in!(Pulls out gun) Maxim: That's a joke right?? We all had a good laugh with that one Kiyone: Now come with me. Maxim: You think I'm scared? Kiyone: Now come along. Or I'll have to shoot. Maxim: Go ahead, do it! Fire, open that up and have at it!! Right in the chest. I dont think Maxim quit realizes that HES being shot at here I dont think he quite realizes that hes a complete asshole either Kiyone fires.... Maxim is still standing. Kiyone fires again. Bullet hits an energy shield around Maxim. ........... RIPOFF!!!! Tenchi: He's.... He's.... like.. Ayeka: Ryoko!! Maxim: You're playing with big game now. This game fights back. So how do I say this in the right way?....Run. HES EVEN STEALING MY LINES NOW!!! (Starts firing at the screen) Settle Ryoko, settle. Its just a fan fic, its just a fan fic That...fucker....stole....my.....best line from the TV series!!!! Everyone is gone in under 5 seconds..... Hmph, Meguyo smashed that asshole Dotre in under 5 seconds How? Dotre had me in a locker, and ol' Megy just punched right through it! I love that guy... Maxim: Wow!! They're fast. Time to go have some fun. Everyone runs out towards the lake.... Time for a beach party! Just remember, its parte' Ryoko: Is he still behind us? Tenchi: Are you scared of him Ryoko? Neil, did you eat your chunky soup? Ayeka: He has the same powers as you do.(Smirks) But hes NOWHERE as hot as Ryoko Hmm, maybe you're not such a bastard after all Appreciate it Ryoko: Are you crazy?? He's Maxim! That greatest Bounty Hunter ever... makes other bounty hunters look like fools and beginners compared to him. Another brilliant remark from the Department of Redundancy Department Maxim appears... Maxim: Time to die.... so very sorry! Tenchi: Alright, I'm tired of playing chicken! Its OOC mania again! Tenchi grew a spine! Tenchi steps foward, weilding the Tenchi-ken. Maxim: You know you can't win. I am superior in everything, you'd be wiped off the face of the planet.... Wow, Phaw has the amazing ability to use 2 different tenses int eh same sentence Its uncanny! Its amazing! Its a lot of bunk! yet you have a spirit that I haven't ever seen. Besides, I wasn't serious about killing you guys. (Maxim) I actually couldn't Ayeka: What? Maxim: I've had 725 years to reflect on my life, I want to lead a straight life, redeem myself of all sins. Live an honest life, well most of the time, maybe get a wife, see this whole world. So what do you say? (Tenchi) Well Maxim, you're a murderer, a criminal, a drug smuggler, and an all around dickhead, but you did want to turn your life around for no reason, so you can stay (Herself) Wow Maxim, I used to hate you to the depths of my soul, now you've fully redeemed yourself in my eyes! (Ayeka) Wow Maxim, you just spit on my family line and entire heritage, but I just cant help loving you after that heart warming little speech you gave! (Ryo-oh-ki) Meow! Tenchi: Well, it was nice to meet you Maxim, I wish you luck and many good times on your long trip. Stop by any time. Maxim: Huh? Tenchi: You're leaving right? Maxim: Leave? Heck no! I'm living here, with you guys. Ayeka faints.... Maxim: You've shown such nice hospitality, and you seem like a good bunch of people. So I'm staying till my dying days! Tenchi: Oh man! Another alien?? In my house? Maxim: So what's for dinner? Steak I hope. Considering that steak costs almost 5 dollars a pound in Japan, Im sure the Masaki household can afford it on an architect's salary! THE END Free at last!! That was a pointless load of shit if I ever saw one! Yeah, the author must really be a loser if he has to give himself an ego boost with THAT character! Enough gabbin' guys, ON WITH THE TORTURE!! Enter the torture room. Or good friend Maxim is bound by his arms and legs to a chair. Enter Polic Style interrogation, only with more torture. So Maxim, how are ya feeling today? I am so going to kick your ass. Im the strongest badass in the galaxy and Im gonna really whup up on ya! Oh really? Check his hands Ryoko, we'll see how tough you really are Mr. Maxim... (Checks his hands) Smooth as a baby's ass So, looks like our Mr. "Tough Guy" here has never actually done a day of work in his life! You're full of shit! We's wanted by over 50 different races! There you go again with the "We's" thing. Well, we have ways of making you admit yourself (Hooks up special MST Theater #3 torture device) Oh my god!! Not the.... Not the hose hooked up to his mouth connecting directly to the sewage treatment plant!! The very same Now Mr. Maxim, heres how this works. You tell us a lie, you get a face full of shit, just like you gave the poor readers of this fic. Now Ryoko, ask him the questions #1: How many people have you killed in your lifetime? Over 166890 in my life!! (Face full of shit) Oh my god!! Dave> Tsk, tsk, you dont learn very well, do you? Maybe those former professions you claim to have had are going to your head, continue Ryoko #2: What occupations have you held in the past? I've been a professional assassin, a drug smuggler, a.. (Face full of shit) *glub**glub* OK! OK! I once worked as a convenience store clerk at a gas station in Arizona!! #3: How many women have you had in your lifetime? At once? Or over my entire life?(Face full of shit) *glub**glub* OK! OK! Zero!! I admit it!! 4th and final question: Why are you such an asshole? Im not!! (More shit) *glub**glub* ENOUGH!! I just want people to like me!! I think we're done here... Poor bastard, tortured with his own contrived bull shit How ironic ************** Questions? Comments? Death threats? Send all query and comments to Uuplaku-mail@juno.com Or Uuplaku@hotmail.com Stay tuned as Dave and his MSTing group take on "Adjusting to Maxim" as their campaign against crap continues!!