CWA^3 Fan-Fic Depreciation Theater does No Need For Virgins - Part 2:
"Innocent No More."
Once again we find ourselves deep in the Cultural Wasteland. It has been 18 months since
the first experiment. Since that time, a new member has joined the crew over at the CWAAA
and Dr. J-chan feels that enough time has passed since his last experiment that he needs to
annoy his friends again.
+Dr. J-chan walks into a small room with a sign on the door that says "The Lounge of Love."
J-san and Shadow are sitting at a small table playing chess with their limited edition 'Tenchi
Muyo!' holographic chess set. WhiteRose sits in a big comfy chair reading 'War and Peace:
The Really Long and Complicated Version."+
Shadow: +Pushes button and little holographic Aeka pummels the annoying 'Shin Tenchi' girl+
Aeka mallets Sakuya! Check!
J-san: +Grins and pushes button so that Ryoko materializes in front of Aeka and delivers the
coup de ta+ Ryoko decapitates Aeka! Double check and mate sucker!
+Suddenly the two holographic Ryokos latch onto Tenchi signifying the game's end+
Shadow: Damn.
+In walks the newest member: Kawaii Girl S+
KGS: Hey guys! What's going down in groove town mates?
J-san: I Just took game 206 in a row...
+Suddenly all four of them dematerialize from the lounge and rematerialize inside the old
theatre that looks like J-san's basement. All four find themselves tied to the couch and
the large holographic screen has returned+
KGS: What's going on?!
WhiteRose: Oh no! You don't think...?!?
Shadow: He wouldn't...
+Dr. J-chan appears on the screen with Chibi-me.+
Dr. J-chan: Hello my friends. It took 18 months, but I found another fic that was pure evil.
J-san: He would...
Dr. J-chan: So my 'friends,' prepare yourselves. Once again you will find your minds taxed to
their limits of sanity! You will never be the same again!
KGS: What's going on?
WhiteRose: Oh this happens from time to time. Dr. J-chan likes to torture us with bad fics.
KGS: Oh. Um... Why?
WhiteRose: Because he is an ass.
KGS: Ah.
Dr. J-chan: Today's experiment is another 'Tenchi Muyo!' lemon. This time an Aeka gets Tenchi
one.
J-san: Well... at least it's not that wretched 'No Need for Virgins' fic.
Shadow: Yeah, that was just plain sucky.
Dr. J-chan: Then you'll love this one even more! It's 'No Need for Virgins...PART 2!'
All Four: AAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Dr. J-chan: Enjoy... BwhahahhahhAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA ha ha HAAAA!
<Inside his observation lab>
+Dr. J-chan ceases communications, he turns to Chibi-me+
Dr. J-chan: Are you hungry Chibi-me? Would you like some Pocky?
+Chibi-me nods excitedly+
Dr. J-chan: Hey, what does a guy have to do around here to get some /frick'n/ Pocky?!
<Back in the Theatre...>
WhiteRose: We must be strong!
J-san: We must resist!
KGS: We must be stupid to allow this!
Shadow: We must tear this tripe a new one!
All Four: BOO-YAH!
And so it came to be This unlike group would become...
THE CWA^3 ANIME FAN-FIC DEPRECIATION SOCIETY THEATER
The players:
Shadow: The Brainy Sarcastic One
WhiteRose: The Brainy Sarcastice One
J-san: The Brainy Sarcastic One
and
Kawaii Girl S: The Happy Cute One
(Maybe it's not so unlikely of a group afterall...)
and
The Evil Dr. J-chan, montitoring this whole experience on a hidden silent
camera...
+The Trio stare ahead as the room darkens slightly and the fic begins to scroll
on an a holographic "screen"...+
+Shadow loosens his bonds a bit and gets his arm free. He pulls out a large electronic
score board+
J-san: What is that?
Shadow: I made it after the last time. Instead of simply correcting every single error this guy
makes, I will just call out the number and it pops up on the board. I say we each put in 20
bucks and we all pick a number. Who ever gets the closest to the actual number of errors wins!
WhiteRose: put me down for 55 errors.
J-san: 78 errors.
KGS: 107 errors.
Shadow: and I'll take 350 errors!
J-san: I don't think you give this guy enough credit...
Shadow: I think you give him too much.
>This is a Tenchi Muyo Hentai/Lemon Fanfic of the wildest
>type!
WhiteRose: It features two people having sex! What an incredible concept! What will
this guy think of next?!
>This is DEFENTLY not for children!
>Wait a sec.....if u were a child any way..
>YOU PROBABLY WOULDNT UNDERSTAND
Shadow: 1! 2! 3! +Scoreboard adds 3 errors to the total...+
>THIS AT ALL SO WHY IS THERE A
>"WARNING" IN THE FIRST PLACE???
>------------------------------------------------------------
KGS: Actually children are more perceptive than one may think as more and more are experimenting
with sex at an earlier age.
WhiteRose: Yeah, but I bet the author still hasn't experimented with sex at all...
>Part 2 of the "No Need For Virgins" Lemon fan/fic series.
> *Innocent No More*
Shadow: Hey! He actually managed to spell the title right this time!
> By: AncientYUME
J-san: Who is still wanted in 23 states for the murder of the English language.
> Featuring Tenchi and Ayeka!
KGS: However, not by choice.
> The night rolled in as the sun went down behind the hilly
J-san: +Starts singing Limp BIzkit's 'Roll'n'+ Keep roll'n roll'n roll'n!
>mountains.The Masaki home fell victim to the echoes and
>sounds of the night. Bugs chirped and whistled outside
>Tenchi's window.
WhiteRose: +As Tenchi's House+ I can't take it anymore! All those damn bugs and those
annoying people having sex inside me!
J-san: Isn't 'Hilly Mountain' a contradiction in terms?
Shadow: I'll let it slide.
> Tenchi was resting on his bed, starring at the ceiling,
Shadow: 4!
KGS: +As Shinji Ikari+ Must not run away... why am I so worthless... I hate piloting the
Eva... Damn Misato drinks too much, maybe I should get her into AA...
>thinking of what happened earlier that day. When everyone
>left the house and he and Sasami were alone together. He
>couldn't bring himself to believe what he did. It was all a
>blur, a mer moment of pleasure quickly faiding away from
Shadow: 5! 6!
J-san: I still can't bring myself to believe it has only been 18 months since we first
experienced that horror...
>him. Sasami's panting and moaning still rang in his ears. He
KGS: Tenchi then pounded on the wall. "Dammit Sasami, if you are going to use your sister's
vibrator, at least keep it down in there! I'm trying to sleep dammit!"
>imagined her on the table, nude underneath him.
WhiteRose: Well at least she wasn't on a plate of sashimi.
> Then he remembered when the others came home. When Ayeka
>and Grandfather came home from the store. He gasped at the
>thought again. How Ayeka almost saw him, nude with her
>sister, on the table, and in a sexual pose. He then thought
Shadow: and starring in a bad fan-fic to boot. I'd be embarassed too.
>of when he quickly picked up all the cloths and carried
Shadow: 7!
KGS: and while they were at it, after they threw the cloths away, they got their clothes too.
>Sasami into the back room, where they quickly got dressed,
>and darted upstairs. Fearing to face the others.
> The thoughts excited him. His cock grew harder ever
>second.
J-san: Yeah, I know having sex with a 10 year old girl with my grandfather walking in the room
sure gets me excited... sick jackass!
Shadow: 8!
>*Whats wrong with me!* He thought *I....I can't possibly
>wanna do it again?*
Shadow: 9!
J-san: You know that is getting really annoying...
Shadow: Moreso than this crap?
J-san: Well... no.
KGS: Wait, I'm confused. Is Tenchi saying that he wants to have sex with a 10 year old girl again
or just sex in general again.
WhiteRose: Does it matter, the worst part of the story is yet to come...
> The more he though about it, the more he couldn't resist.
Shadow: 10!
>Yes, he wanted it again, and he wanted it bad. His body
>desired more pleasure, and he couldn't control it. He stood
>up in his bed, and he looked at his bedroom door.
KGS: +as the door+ What the hell are you staring at you sick pedophile?!
>*What am I to do? Should I go....go an ask Sasa.....No! I
Shadow: 11!
J-san: Are you going to keep doing that the whole fic? Can't you just keep a silent total?
Shadow: OK, fine. Besides, at this rate, I'll be hoarse by the end of the fic.
>can't do that to her again.* His mind raced on.
KGS: and unfortunately, his mind left his body behind.
WhiteRose: Which explains a lot, don't it?
> He stood up and rubbed his head, his eyes half open, and
J-san: Which head is this pervert talking about?
>still locked upon his bedroom door. Then, he made up his
<Error Total: 12>
>mind. He was going...going for a drink of water. He slowly
>walked toward his door. He then gripped the handle, turning
>it slowly. Tenchi opened the door and aimlessly stepped out
>into the hallway. When he turned and looked down the
Shadow: But since he was aimless he missed the door completely and smashed into the wall.
>stairway, Ayeka was looking back at him with great surprise.
WhiteRose: +As Ayeka+ What the HELL did you do to my sister you sicko!?!
>"Lord Tenchi?" Ayeka whispered, "What are you doing up so
>late at night?"
>"Ayeka, what a surprise to see you here." Tenchi smiled. "I
>was getting some water." He giggled and rubbed his head.
J-san: Yeah... water... funny... +giggle+
Shadow: +As Tenchi+ Yeah...Water... heh heh, I'm so funny...
>"Water?",Ayeka said softly, " On, Lord Tenchi I can get you
>some water! Go back in your room now."
<Error Total: 13>
WhiteRose: +As Ayeka+ ...and think about what you did you sick pervert!
>"Uhhh ok Miss Ayeka?', Tenchi said dumbfoundly.
<Error Total: 14>
> So he slowly turned and reentered his room. He approached
>his bed and sat down upon it.
>"Wow, I didn't expect to see lady Ayeka out there. What a
>real coensedence." Tenchi said to himself.
<Error Total: 15>
KGS: Yeah, what a coincidence! She only lives there and all...
Shadow: I Suspect that they won't be using the term 'lady' to describe her much more after
this fic is over.
> Without warning Ayeka stormed into his room holding a
>small glass of water. She was wearing a silk night kimono.
WhiteRose: +As Aeka+ Here's you water dammit! Now where are you hiding Elian?!?
>She didn't appear to be wearing any undergarments at all.
>She closed the door and slowly walked over to Tenchi, bent
>down in front of him, and gave him the water. Tenchi then
>excepted the water, smiling, while then suddenly catching a
<Error Total: 16>
>glimpse of Ayeka cleavage. She smiled at him as he drank the
>water.
Shadow: Oh this must be after 'Tenchi Muyo in Love 2' when Aeka actually HAD cleavage...
>*A damn, no, i can't.......*He thought.
<Error Total: 18>
> Tenchi then finished the water and put the glass down the
>floor.
>"Thank you Ayeka." Tenchi whispered.
>"Your Welcome lord Ten...."She was cut short, when Tenchi
>forced a kiss upon her.
<Error Total: 19>
J-san: Augh! Tenchi cut her legs off!!
Shadow: I don't think that's what he meant by 'cut short' J...
>Her eyes opened wide with surprise, but she didn't resist
WhiteRose: For it was at that moment that Aeka realized that she was in the sequel to
'No Need for Virgins.'
>him as he put his arms around her. She allowed her self to
<Error Total: 20>
>fall upon him. She knew, she had always wanted Tenchi to
>kiss her, to love her. Now this was her chance; Ryoko was
>gone and she was alone with Tenchi. He then brought her on
>top of him on the bed. Their kiss became more passionate,
>and required more motion.
> Tenchi then began to move his tongue into Ayeka's mouth.
>She quickly caught on and did the same. Their hands wandered
>all over each other. Tenchi began to cup her firm, round
>breasts. He rubbed them and played with them while they were
>under the kimono. Tenchi then began to feel around them,
>trying to get under the kimono. He found the edges and he
>grassed them; pulling the kimono away from her chest. The
<Error Total: 21>
J-san: Boy, Tenchi sure is having trouble undoing what is essentially a lightweight
bathrobe.
>kimono pulled over her breasts. Tenchi couldn't fully remove
>it, for Ayeka still had the kimono tied. So the edges of the
>kimono were held in place by Ayeka's hard nipples.
> Ayeka broke their passionate kiss as she moaned with
>delight. Tenchi, unable to hold himself back any longer,
>rolls Ayeka over. Tenchi was now over her. Ayeka was
<Error Total: 22>
>underneath him, her breasts firm and visible. He untied her
>kimono and lifted it over her legs. He revealed Ayeka's
>shaven cunt.
KGS: Doesn't that line only make sense if she was wearing a skirt instead of a kimono?
Shadow: Don't look at me, I only nitpick grammar.
>*She didn't wear undergarments after all* He thought.
J-san: No, she did. They're just invisible!
> Ayeka blushed and looked away. Tenchi then took off all
>his clothes. Ayeka was filled with surprise when she saw
>Tenchi pull out his hard cock.
KGS: Um guys... if he took off all his clothes, then where exactly did he pull his
'hard cock' out from? Where exactly was he hiding it?
Shadow: from between a cock and a hard place?
J-san: the Hard Cock cafe?
WhiteRose: After this over, I'm going to slap both of you into a coma.
>*Oh my God! What's he doing......I..* Her mind raced.
J-san: +As God+ Don't bring me into this!
> Spareing no time, Tenchi opened Ayeka's legs. He placed
>him member before Ayeka's love tunnel.
>Tenchi then began to enter her.
<Error Total: 24>
>"No Tenchi! Not...No!"Ayeka screamed.
Shadow: For you folks at home, let's review: Tenchi is not only a pedophile, but
he is now a rapist too. So how many additioanl years will he be burning in hell for this one?
KGS: Take 100 years and multiply that by the number of errors in this 'work.'
> Tenchi failed to notice her cries as his cock drove into
>her tight pussy. Ayeka squealed with pain, and Braced her
>hands on Tenchi waste as he continued to drive deep into
Shadow: EEEWWWWWW! Again with this whole 'waste' thing! So to review...again: Tenchi is a
1. pedophile, 2. rapist, 3. fecalphiliac
<Error Total: 25>
>her. His hot cock filled her. Tenchi grabbed her right foot
>with his left hands and held her left leg firm in a pose
>with his other hand. The sudden pain over took Ayeka, and
>she gasped for breath. Tenchi was moving very quickly,
J-san: either they're having sex, or this is a really competitive 'Twister' game.
>giving her no time to react to his actions. All she could do
>now was go along with him.
KGS: Well there are many things she could do...
WhiteRose: Punch him in the balls.
J-san: Punch him in the face.
Shadow: Claw out his eyes.
> Tenchi paused when his cock was all in her. He glanced
>down at Ayeka and grinned. His sexual actions appear to
>resemble rape than love. This was the first sign, the first
Shadow: If I may be serious for a moment. Rape doesn't even come CLOSE to resembling love. Rape
is an act of violence and an act of power, exerted over another human. The fact that anyone
could find eroticism in the concept of rape is seriosly screwed up in the head.
KGS: Get some serious therapy AncientYume.
>sign that Tenchi loosing his mind; to sex.
<Error Total: 28>
J-san: No, the first sign was that he agreed to star in this fic.
>He then began to move in and out of her slowly. Ayeka
>panting lightly with ever drive. She still griped tightly
Shadow: +As Tenchi+ Stop your bitching, Aeka! I don't need your griping...
<Error Total: 30>
>upon Tenchi's waste. His long cock slowly pumping in and out
+Shadow begins to dry heave at the thought of more fecalphilia+
>of her virgin love tunnel. Her muscles squeezed the hot
>member on every entry. Tenchi then let go of her legs and he
>gripped each side of her waste. Forcing Ayeka to take hold
>of his muscular arms.
<Error Total: 32>
+All four begin to dry heave... for many reasons.+
> He began to speed up the pace. Without warning he began to
>pump into Ayeka hard and fast. Her panting grew louder. Her
>large breasts began to sway back and forth within the
>kimono. Love sweet love juice flowed from her like a river
>as her body convulsed. Her back arched and she squealed with
>pleasure. Unwilling to slow his pace, Tenchi let go of
>Ayeka's waste and laid down on top of her. Placing his hands
Shadow: I swear to God! If this guy uses the word 'waste' one more time, I'm going to
remove his head from his torso area and then proceed to place excrement down his esophagus.
J-san: Is other words, you're gonna tear off his head and shit down his neck.
Shadow: Yeah, but I liked the way I said it better.
<Error Total: 33>
>to by her side. Her legs rose up and locked and locked
>around him, then she threw her arms around him and drew him
>close to her. Her hard nipples pressed up against his chest
>as he rested on her firm breasts. Tenchi and Ayeka were face
>to face now. He was glaring down at her, his face was firm
>and almost heartless.
KGS: +As Tenchi+ Feel my wrath! I will force you to be in a bad lemon!
WhiteRose: +As Aeka+ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
<For those keeping track, the Error Total is: 34>
> Ayeka slowly opened her eyes to see her lovers face, and
>she was surprised to how he was looking back. She would have
>spoken but her pants over whelmed her. Sweet began to form
J-san: First her pants grabbed her...
Shadow: While her sweater sucker punched her...
WhiteRose: and her socks tied her to a chair...
KGS: and her cardigan made the ransom call!
<Error Total: 37>
>on their bodies. Their hot breath blew into each other's
>faces. He then laid his head down beside her on the bed,
Shadow: or feces, taking into account all the fecal matter these two were grabbing... *sigh*
>still driving into her with great force.
> Tenchi began to slow. Ayeka felt his hands move under her
>back. Suddenly Tenchi stopped driving into her, and he
>lifted her. Ayeka cooperated as he began to roll over. She
>rolled onto his chest. Now she was on top of him, Tenchi's
>hot cock still pulsing inside her love tunnel. She quickly
>placed her hands on his stomach, and began to ride him.
ALL FOUR: 8 Seconds! 8 Seconds!
>Tenchi laid there, looking up Ayeka now doing all he fucking
>on her own. He never expected her to enjoy his sudden push
>onto her, but because of her great love for him. She didn't
>resist.
WhiteRose: Only in something this trashy could something as abhorrent as RAPE be excused.
KGS: Yeah, trust me, Aeka will need serious trauma counseling and years of therapy to overcome
this horrid behavior.
WhiteRose: Aeka doesn't resist NOT because of great love, but rather of fear of him hurting
her further if she DOES resist.
<Oh yeah, Error Total: 38>
>Ayeka bounced on him quickly and with great force. He
>panting, mixed with squeals of pleasure and sudden shocks of
>pain, grew louder and louder with ever entry of his cock.
>Tenchi reached up and began to untie her sash. Soon after
>the kimono fell away. Ayeka's breasts were bouncing up and
J-san: Um excuse me... but he ALREADY UNTIED THE DAMN SASH 2 PAGES AGO!!!!
Shadow: If even the author can't be bothered to remember the details of his own story,
then why should the audience care about it then?
<Error Total: 40>
>down, and he couldn't resist them. He took hold of them with
>each hand and he began to squeeze and play. Grabbing her
>nipples, twisting them, gripping her round breasts with
>great force.
> Pleasure over whelmed Tenchi as they fucked. He rushed
>through him like a drug. It gave him a mind numbing high.
Shadow: Drugs! That's how we can forget this wretching thing! Who's got some?
KGS: Now Shadow, you know we can't condone drug use of any kind.
Shadow: You're right. I'm sorry.
KGS: However, I CAN condone acts of physical violence against the author.
All Four: YAY!
<There still more. Error Total: 42>
>His hands wandered down to Ayeka's waste and he began to aid
Shadow: WhiteRose! Get my Chainsaw! This sick jackass is gonna DIE!
<Error Total: 43>
>Ayeka with her bouncing. She pushed down harder and harder
>on Tenchi's stomach with every thrust of his cock.
> Then Tenchi began to sit up. Forcing Ayeka to sit on his
>lap. She threw her arms around him once more. His hands
KGS: Then she realized that this wasn't Santa Claus and proceeded to beat the
bejeezus out of Tenchi.
>still aiding Ayeka as she bounced. She continued to ride
>him. Suddenly, Tenchi felt it once more. His cock began to
>swell and buckle. His teeth locked, his face stiffened. He
+J-san and Shadow wince in pain+
Shadow: OUCH!!! If my penis ever BUCKLED I'd fucking call a doctor!
>tried with all of his might to prevent the unpreventable.
>Tenchi struggled to get Ayeka to stop or slow. Her climax
>was near, she would not, and she was too caught up in
>pleasure to notice. Realizing it was too late he forced
>Ayeka down onto his cock and it shot up in her love tunnel.
>That sudden amount of pleasure forced Tenchi to lower his
>defenses. A few seconds later Tenchi shot his loud of hot
>cum up into her wet love tunnel. Ayeka cried with pleasure
>as wave after wave of cum ejected deep into her.
> Ayeka appeared to faint as she fell upon Tenchi and forced
>him down onto the bed. Her naked body laid on top of him, he
>snapped back into reality and gently pushed her off of him.
>She fell onto the bed beside him. He rubbed his head and
>looked upon Ayeka sleeping soundly next to him. Sitting up,
>he foiled with the blankets and freed them out from under
>her. He stood up out of the bed and threw the blanket over
>Ayeka, and tucked her in. He knelt down and kissed her on
>the check. Turning toward the door, he scrambled to find his
Shadow: He may be an evil fecalphilia pedophile rapist, but isn't he sweet?
All Four: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...
>clothes. He quickly put them on and headed for the door.
>Before he left the room, he looked back at Ayeka and felt a
>sudden impulse of shame and displeasure. He has just
J-san: Too bad the author didn't have the same impulse, he still published the fic...
>realized what he had just done. He took something from her
>that should have been taken on a better occasion.
> He turned, sighed, and closed the door behind him.
KGS: and the moral of the story?
All Four: WASHUU IS SPELLED WITH 23 U's DAMMIT!
>To be continued...
>------------------------------------------------------------
>------------------------------------------------------------
>-----------------------
All Four: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Make it stop! Make it stop!
> Next time: Part 3! "The Day of the Carnival!" The
>exciting, heart pounding, next episode of "No Need For
J-san: Gut wrenching...
Shadow: Stomach Churning...
KGS: Seizure inducing...
>Virgins" *Who's Tenchi's next victim of love as his mind
J-san: Haruna!
Shadow: Ryo-Ohki!
KGS: Kagato!
WhiteRose: Yosho!
J-san: Funaho!
KGS: The Emperor of Jurai!
WhiteRose: The Old woman who ran the hot springs!
Shadow: Azaka and Kamidake!
WhiteRose: The Mass!
J-san: That fat kid at Tenchi's school!
Shadow: Baby Toro!
+The other three look at Shadow with disgust...+
Shadow: Listen, we've already established that Tenchi is a pedophile now...
>slowly faids away! Could it be "Mihoshi?"*
All Four: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...Dammit!
<Final Error total: 43 + plus probably a few more I missed because I wanted to get through
this as fast as possible...>
+The 4 of them dissappear from the theatre and rematerialize in the Lounge of Love...+
KGS - Hey! I won! I had the closest number! Pay up!
+Everyone grudgingly gives KGS a 20 dollar bill...+
WhiteRose: You see Shadow, it wasn't nearly as bad as last time...
Shadow: OK, OK. I guess I owe the guy an apology. +Turns and walks out of the room, much to
the surprise of everone's expectant faces. A few minutes later Shadow returns with a Mike's
Hard Lemonade. Everyone still looks at him expecting something...+
Shadow: What?
WhiteRose: Well aren't you going to say something to the author?
Shadow: I said I 'OWED' him an apology. I didn't say I actually give him one... I'm not THAT
nice...
+Dr. J-chan appears with Chibi-me on the monitor...+
Dr. J-chan: Well... how was it?
KGS: Well, from what I heard, this seems superior to the previous story...
WhiteRose: Yeah, this time it actually contained a girl of semi-legal consent...
J-san: and it looks like those English courses are helping the author tremdously, this one
almost ressembled English... almost.
Shadow: Best thing was that is was much, much, MUCH shorter than the first one.
All Four: Amen!
Dr. J-chan: Hmmmm... this doesn't seem to have crushed your will at all. I guess then you
wouldn't mind doing part 3?
+All four immediately pull out weapons from behind their back ranging from chainsaws to grenade
launchers...+
Dr. J-chan: Um... never mind...
<End Transmission>
SPECIAL BONUS OMAKE PRESENTATION!
'NO NEED FOR REBUTTALS!'
Starring:
The Crew of the CWAAA
BoneparteOzaki
and
A Psychotic Nut!
Hey Guys! After an 18 months hiatus from doing MST's I decided to briefly come out of
retirement. You could probably tell I was a little rusty, so if you didn't enjoy it as much as the
first, my apologies.
I had only done one MST previous to this and I was content to never do another one. In all honesty
it's not as much fun as one may think and all in all it brings out a bitter and nasty side of my
personality I don't care much for...
However, something happened. It took 18 months after I first published the first MST that I
finally recieved some 'hate mail' from a disgruntled fan. Suddenly I felt an inspiration that
wasn't present before. This became a battle of wits! I wouldn't back down from a fight...
Well...
"Battle of wits" probably isn't the best term to describe what it was. If it was a battle, in order
to make it fair I would probably have to substitute myself to make it fair to my opponent...
...unfortunately, the tree stump refused.
Anyway, usually before I get my mail these days, the CWAAA takes the time to screen my mail for
me (They're just that nice.) So I'm sure they had much to say...
<Back at the Lounge of Love>
Dr J-chan: Hey guys! Mail call! Into the theatre!
The Trio of J-san, Shadow and WhiteRose groan and file into the basement theatre...
>On Fri, 29 Jun 2001 07:11:53 EDT Zackrazielstrife@cs.com
>wrote:
Shadow: Hey guys? Didn't Dr. J-chan show us that fic in November of '99?
J-san: Man, I knew the post office was getting bad with late deliveries, but if
we're only getting this letter now... I mean Geez! a year and a half to get
this?!
Dr. J-chan: No, this was actually was sent today, he's just a really slow
typer.
White Rose: Zackrazielstrife? Isn't that some sort of word you play if you're a
Scrabble grand champion? I'm looking up... *leaves*
>I know you probably don't remember anything about an MST >you did on the
>tenchi muyo serie's about tenchi and sasami but did the
Shadow: Don't remember?!? How could we forget?! The scars will never heal!
Dr. J-chan: Ah yes, you never forget something that evil...
J-san: ...or that bad.
>thought ever enter
>your mind that mabey he is japanese or chinese and he is >not good with
>english and that is why there are so many spelling >error's?
HMMMMMMMMMMMMM?
J-san: Mabey? Isn't he that dance music artist?
Dr. J-chan: No, you're thinking of Moby. Hey Shadow, I'm letting you off your
leash. Sic him!
Shadow: *Cracks knuckles* Well, there is the obvious spelling error in line
two, which should be "maybe" and second he didn't capitalize any of
the proper nouns. Japanese, Chinese, Tenchi, Sasami, and Tenchi Muyo! should all
be capitalized. Give me my red pen and my batch of frowny stickers... *proceeds
to grade e-mail like a school paper*
>DID IT? I bet it didn't. Because all you want to do is
J-san: Oh no! It's the "Bad Fan-fic author Avenger! He's here to punish
us! Come fellow evildoers, let us flee!
J-chan: Actually it did come to my mind. But then I realized that if he were in
fact Chinese or Japanese, the author would have known that a 'typical' Japanese
or for that matter any Asian culture's, breakfast would not consist of Pancakes
and Muffins.
J-san: Actually all I want to do is Rock and Roll all night...
Shadow: ...and party every day.
make fun of other
>people who do things and they can't do anything about it cause it's part of
J-chan: Technically, he could've done something about it...
Shadow: Yeah, he could've NOT written it. That would've been so much easier on
all of us.
J-san: God bless America where we all get our right to say what we think! Us
hating this fic and this guys hating us for hating this fic. *Shadow and Dr.
J-chan start humming "My Country Tis of Thee."*
>who they are. BASTARD!
Shadow: No no no! This is so wrong! If you're going to write a letter to
complain about someone making fun of the way someone else makes grammar errors,
don't send a letter full of them yourself.
Dr. J-chan: Yes, the irony-level in here is reaching critical.
Shadow: Second, when you insult someone don't misuse the insult word! 'Bastard'
means "A male child who is without a father, or was born out of
wedlock." J-chan's parents are both quite definately alive and he was born
some 3 years after his brother so obviously he isn't a bastard.
Dr. J-chan: Yeah! The word you were looking for was Asshole!
J-san: or Dickhead!
Shadow: or one of the many other more appropriate curse words. However, I
wouldn't recommend 'shit,' 'bitch,' or anything with the word 'fuck.' A person
who has done their homework will tear you a new one for misusing them.
*WhiteRose re-enters with a huge dictionary*
WhiteRose: Hey guys! I actually found 'Zackrazielstrife' in here!
Dr. J-chan: Really? What does it mean?
WhiteRose: "Zackrazielstrife - A type of pain induced by reading a bunch of
whiny bitchings disguised as social critism."
J-san: Wow! That sums up exactly what I was feeling right now!
Shadow: Yes, we are definately experiencing Zackrazielstrife right now.
<Back to BoneparteOzaki>
So as you can see, I really can't add much more as my friends have pretty much
summed it up nicely for me. However, thank you for the sincere comments and I
wish you luck on your quest to fight for bad authors everywhere. I'm sure you'll
find plenty of them and their tormentors at the TMFFA.
Boneparteozaki - Asshole at large
PS - it recently came to my attention that the author of said fic updated it and
corrected a lot of errors from the first version and I looked and indeed he did
fix a lot of errors, however he didn't fix teh biggest ones: 1. There still
wasn't much of a plot, and 2. It still sucks.
<The next day...>
Dr. J-chan: Mail Call!
+The trio shuffles into the theatre...+
On Fri, 29 Jun 2001 12:32:29 EDT Zackrazielstrife@cs.com
wrote:
>Actually Zackrazielstrife is my name. I'm not allowed to use spaces in my
Dr. J-chan: My god! 2 letters in one day! His typing skills must be improving.
WhiteRose: Um... we KNEW it was your name. It was called a joke. You know...
"Ha Ha funny."
>screen name for CompuServe. And in the second line mabey was spelled right.
*Shadow looks up from his 4th dictionary*
Shadow: I've looked in 4 different dictionaries and I still can't find the word
'mabey' It must be a conspiracy from the Merrium-Webster people! Quick call
Mulder and Scully, Agent 99, Joe Friday, and the Green Hornet!
>And BTW your MST sucked anyway. It was funny in places (when you were all
>getting beaten and tied up at the start) but all in all
J-san: Hey! This guy finds humor is us being the victim of physical harm!
Jerk!
Shadow: Oh if he likes that, boy have I got some jokes he'll love *Holds up
sledgehammer*
WhiteRose: *Holding nunchukus* Forget the jokes, I say we give him the whole
comedy routine!
it sucked ass big ass
>too nice and dirty. And excuse me for insulting you with the wrong word. My
Dr. J-chan: Um... Shadow, you know a lot about English, what was the point of
that last sentence?
Shadow: Beats the hell out of me! I don't think it's actual English
>mistake I meant to call you.....why the hell am I wasting my time with you
>stupid humans anyway. Get a life people.
J-san: People? Um... you don't think he actaully believes that there are more
than one person writing this?
WhiteRose: I think he doesn't realize that we're all fictional characters
spoofing the whole point of the letter...
Shadow: We can't get lives! We're fictional!
*all four begin to throw things at the screen*
<Once again back to BoneparteOzaki for his commentary...>
Thanks for your entertaining letters, I haven't laughed this hard in months. I
think I'm going to call you my new best friend.
BoneparteOzaki - Fictional Character with no life
PS - I've recieved various letters of the last 18 months about that MST and it
seems that the concensus is that "NO need for Virgins" does indeed
suck. I can't go against the public opinion can I?
<The next day...>
*Dr. J-chan walks in with some diskettes. Shadow has his feet propped up on the
table and is enjoying the latest issue of "FAN-FICS THAT SUCK
MAGAZINE." On the cover it says "Featuring part 12 of 23 in our series
on why 'No Need for Virgins' sucks.
Dr. J-chan: Hey guys, we got more mail. Into the theatre with you three.
The Trio: Ah Geez, AGAIN?!
Dr. J-chan: Don't give me no sass! On with it! Shoo!
*The three file into the theatre...*
On Sat, 30 Jun 2001 01:41:31 EDT Zackrazielstrife@cs.com
wrote:
Shadow: This guy again? Geez you think he would learn his lesson...
>I feel honored to be your best friend. Oh no wait....wrong response. Heh ^_^
J-san: Yay! We made a friend! Oh wait! This guy liked 'No Need for Virgins.'
I don't want some sicko as our friend!
WhiteRose: Yeah, even WE have standards!
>Oh well. I guess there's just no talking to you in a normal way.
>
Shadow: Normal?! Someone who likes 'No Need for Virgins' has no right to claim
what normal is!
J-san: Why is it always the nuttiest people who define reality... *sigh*
WhiteRose: Was that it? Boy he sure didn't have much to say.
J-san: Patience, we can't expect him to organize all those deep thoughts in a
single e-mail.
On Sat, 30 Jun 2001 01:43:37 EDT Zackrazielstrife@cs.com
wrote:
Shadow: And the pain continues...
>Oooops. Forgot to add something. No need for virgins didn't suck. It was a
>very good lemon if you ask me. And if you get mad at
J-san: OK everyone, raise your hands. Does anybody recall us asking what he
this guy thought?
Shadow: Good lemon? 'Gentle Sound of Thunder'; 'Fukuzan.' THOSE were good
lemons. This wasn't even the equivalent of 'People' magazine in terms of
writing.
people who do Sasami
>lemons then all i ask is why? she isn't real so why should you be angry or
>what ever it makes you. Oh well anyway, you won't even reply to my questions
>in a normal fashion.
*Dr. J-chan appears. Suddenly the set shifts to a copy of the set of the
"McLauglin Group."
Dr. J-chan: Such a serious question demands a serious answer. It is time for
another one of our panel discussions. Issue number 1: No Need for Virgins; Why
does it suck? Shadow?
Shadow: First I like to say that Sasami lemons don't make us angry, but
horribly written stories of any kind are just unforgivable.
Dr. J-chan: Point.
Shadow: Now I think the biggest reason I think this story sucks is the annoying
and constant practice of using 'waste' instead of 'waist.' I can understand bad
spelling, but please! This is particularly disgusting with lines like
"Tenchi placed his hand on her waste." Is he placing his hand on her
thigh or is Tenchi a nasty fecalphiliac?!?
J-san: Fictional or not, the character is 10 YEARS OLD! If your personal
fantasies consist of 17 year old wussboys molesting 10 year girls on their
kitchen tables, then you have many personal issues to deal with. Please, seek
help.
WhiteRose: Tired, tired plotline, if you can call it that. C'mon, 'parents go
away; underage children get it on?' Bleah! If you are going to inflict a fan fic
like this on the general populace, and if you are not going to use at least
somewhat intelligible language, then at least give us something ENTERTAINING!
Not only did this fic suck, but it was boring to boot.
Dr. J-chan: Those are all good points. Here's my final words on the topic.
Besides the horrible grammar and lack of a intelligible plot of some sorts, the
author shows a complete lack of understanding on many concepts of human
sexuality, a complete lack of understanding on the foreign culture which he is
writing about, and a complete lack of understanding about the established
characters he is writing about. In summary: It sucked.
J-san: It sucked hard.
Shadow: It sucked long.
WhiteRose: It sucked with commitment
All four: IT SUCKED! GET OVER IT!
<BoneparteOzaki finally gets his mail...>
Hello again. Boy, the guys seemed to be in rare form lately, it nice to give
them work again.
You will be happy to know how much joy your letters have been bringing, not only
to me, but to my friends whom the characters are based on in real life. They
have been laughing almost as hard as I have these days and tehy enjoy them so
much they even helped contribute to this edition of the letter to you. All of us
here just want to say "You bring us so much joy, and so much laughter...and
oh yeah, 'No Need for Virgins' still sucks.
BoneparteOzaki - One of Four
<The final word?>
On Sun, 1 Jul 2001 08:20:25 EDT Zackrazielstrife@cs.com wrote:
>I would write something but I guess since I bring you so much joy I should
>stop cause that was definitely not my purpose.
>
and so it seems that the fun had to end sometime. Maybe he realized that he wasn't going to change my mind. Or maybe he just learned that you can't send a hate mail to a MST author. We're ALWAYS looking for material...
Anyway, if you are like me and you thought that the 'No Need for Virgins' series did indeed suck, then please send a mail to Zackrazielstrife@cs.com. Only by making yourself heard will this poor misguide soul grasp that 'No Need for Virgins' does what it always has... suck.
On that note, I end this exercise in verbal assault and battery. A special thanks to all those people who sent me e-mails telling me how much they enjoyed the first MST and a extra special thanks to Zackrazielstrife@cs.com who brought me out of retirement.
Tenchi belongs to AIC/Pioneer
This was OBVIOUSLY used without permission
This fic is probably copyrighted by the guy who wrote it.
All MST parts are copyrighted by me(BoneparteOzaki)
2001(c)