Mst Log 2: One Hitchhiker and a Revolution? An Mst of -=o Hitch Hiker's Guide to Space Pirates o=- and The Taking of AIC Cypher: (His feet are on the console as an alarm beeps on his right. It was a different way of relaxing to him. He removes them. And stares at the files that have come in. This is his first time monitoring the MST computer. He lets his face register a confused expression.) One or the other? (Shrugs) Why not both? Better warn the group. >Disclaimer: Disclaimer: We did not create some of the characters used, or mentioned. We didn’t make any money off this story. Do not need to sue The Crew *Glyph Bellchime—The Leader, human female. “Well, excuse mee! I meant ‘guys’ as in the group, OKAY?” *REBB01—The weird one, computer expert, cybertronian. “Couldn’t we get a ship that’s just a littl’ bigger?” *Ukyo Kuonji—The hard-working one, cook, human female. “Okonomiyaki, anyone?” *Washu Habuki—The smart one, engineer, humanoid female. Click, “It’s LITTLE Washu, all right?” *Cypher—The loose cannon, operations, changeling. “Why do I gotta be the DECOY?!!!” *Mew—The ties that binds, structural control, pokemon. (sign) “I may be small, but I’m powerful. (side note) Care for me to demonstrate?” Andrew Lee McPherson—The leader’s boyfriend, pilot, human male. “I don’t think I got it down yet, but I am coming close!” Pathos—The not-so-bright one, projectionist, humanoid cat. “I not sound like Shampoo!” *--actual MSTers Scene: Mess Hall Ukyo Kuonji mixed up a batch of her dough and poured onto the grill an okonomiyaki breakfast for herself. She smiled as she noticed Washu typing on her computer and taking a bite on another. Glyph came in holding a bowl of sugar puffs and a spoon. She leaned against the counter. There wasn’t much room in the Mess Hall as anyone really realized: it was tight. It really was a kitchen, but Mess Hall just seemed more appropriate, under the circumstances. But they settled wherever it felt comfortable… And they ate the way they felt comfortable. Mew actually sat on the griffin’s back for a seat. He floated the food up to him and took little bites. Pathos had a bowl, eating quietly, but quickly. He had to. The humanoid cat pushed an elbow in to Washu. Nothing spilled. Andrew had given up, and sat on the counter. “Why does he gotta eat with us?” Washu flipped a thumb at the huge griffin. “Hey!” REBB protested before pecking on the food again. “The Matrix made this modification in case we ran into a period when we can’t get energon and it is because of you guys it has become a necessity!” “Yes…but do you got to eat WITH us?” Andrew pointed into the center of the room. “As in the same time?” This time Glyph spoke up, “Hey, if you got left alone for 700 years, I think you’d want company, too, Drew-hon.” Washu moved her plate quickly. “Yes, but I got stuck for it for 5000 years.” “Yeah, but you had company before and after that amount of time, and you were in stasis—he just had proto-humans. Like talking to Pathos, when he was littler.” “HEY!” The humanoid cat protested. “I not dumb.” Glyph smiled quietly at him, then rubbed his hair. “I wasn’t saying you were, Kitten.” Then Cypher interjected on the COM. “Hey, guys, two bogeys!” Glyph picked up the cereal box. “What type?” “Neither of them are lemons—one crossover and one that sounds like a protest.” “Ouch!” Ukyo barked, that brought a concerned look from the electric-blue haired woman, “About the fic, I didn’t get burned—unless these are real bad…” Glyph grabbed the milk jug, her spoon, and her bowl. She then juggled them past. “Theater time, guys…” Ukyo sighed as the others filed out quickly. She grabbed a plate and plopped her breakfast onto it. In front of the theater: Ukyo held the plate over the floating pokemon. Then she had to swing it low, as REBB moved his foreleg. He entered the hallway first, then transformed into his humanoid form. ********HEY HOUSTON! IT’S DARK AS CRAP UP HERE!!********** Everyone suddenly raced for the door. “OFPHHHHHHHHH!” the group suddenly yelped. Luckily, breakfast stayed in their respective containers. Although, a couple of okonomiyaki got sacrificed in the pile-up. REBB01 finally noticed the others. “Gee, I didn’t know you guys cared like that.” “Shut up,” Glyph growled. They got untangled, and into their respective seats. Left to Right: Glyph, cross-legged over her bowl of Sugar puffs. Washu, seated on her floating pillow with her plate of Okonomiyaki, and two chopsticks. Mew, holding a bite of wheat paste. REBB01, eating out of a bowl of Sugar. Cypher, not eating at all, but sitting on a bean bag chair. Ukyo, Reclining on a recliner and eating from her plate of… you-know-what-it-is. Ukyo: (To REBB) How can you eat that? REBB: Easier for my body to digest. Ukyo: Never mind. Cypher: Hey, It’s starting… >Tenchi Muyo and Ryoko is owned by Pioneer. I have no intention of making money >off them (even though they have made quite a nice amount on me), and I am writing >this in hopes of not getting sued. Glyph: Thinks highly of himself, doesn’t he? >Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy is written and copyrighted by Douglas Adams. >Buy it and read it. Cypher: Read it and liked it… REBB: Downloaded it and not that bad. Glyph: I hope he hadn’t made it so lousy… Fan fiction is changing the phrase “Mostly Harmless”. >Tenchi Muyo / Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Crossover/Fusion Fic Ukyo: Aw crap. >This silly little story is a slightly rewritten part of Life, the Universe and Everything. Washu: As if we needed more of this. >It is a silly little fic, which I felt I had to make. Cypher: Nobody put a phaser to your head. (Asking) Did they? >If you don't >know HHGttG, consider this a crash-course in the *really* silly humour it >represents. REBB: Somebody needs to learn to use a thesaurus. >Hope you like it. Glyph: You would... but that’s debatable. >-=o Hitch Hiker's Guide to Space Pirates o=- Ukyo: (Reading entry) Do not make contact. Run away, very far away. >Stomp stomp. >Whirrr. REBB: Auto-cannons locked and in position. Glyph: You’re weird, you know that? Cypher: Perfect way of getting rid of door-to-door salesmen Glyph: ……………………………………… >'Pleased to be of service.' Washu: Now get out of our faces. >'Shut up.' Ukyo: Please do… >'Thank you.' All: You’re welcome—not! >Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Mew: ## I think it’s dead, already! ## >Whirrr. >'Thank you for making a simple door very happy.' Cypher: Sounds like something you’d invent, Washu. Shields form around him, then shrinks real tight. Cypher dissolves into a ball of liquid gold and shrinks with the shield. Glyph: Will you two stop, already? Cypher then is released from the field. >'Hope your diodes rot.' REBB: My people do not have those anymore, thank Primus. Glyph: AAAAmen! >'Thank you. Have a nice day.' Ukyo: Azaka becomes a door greeter. >Stomp stomp stomp stomp. All: IT’S DEAD ALREADY! >Whirrr. >'It is my pleasure to open for you . . .' REBB: Gah, did have to flash everyone, man? >'Zark off.' Glyph: Never did figure out what that meant—along with Smeg. Sobriety-deprived. Fear… REBB: The last one we never did look up. >' . . . and my satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well >done.' Ukyo: Thank God, I thought I’d go blind. >'I said zark off.' >'Thank you for listening to this message.' REBB: This tape will self-destruct in Five seconds. Four. Three. >Stomp stomp stomp stomp. Washu: IT’S DEAD ALREADY! Suddenly, a little figure runs up to the group, hits Washu in the face with a cream pie, then runs back off. Washu: (Spitting pie meringue from her mouth and wiping it from her eyes) Who- spt- hack- was that? Glyph: “Little Running Gag”. I didn’t invent him. REBB: He’s old sucker, in the obscure range. >'Wop.' All: Huh? Glyph: Ok, who swung? >Zaphod stopped stomping. Ukyo: He finally realized he killed it…like we’ve been telling him for the past fifteen minutes. Mew: ## What was he trying to get, anyway? ## >He had been stomping around the Heart of Gold for days, >and so far no door had said 'wop' to him. REBB: Him having a heart of gold… doubt it. >He was fairly certain no door had said >'wop' to him now. Cypher: Hearing things…gre-ate-eat! >It was not the sort of thing doors said. Too concise. >Furthermore, there were not enough doors. It sounded as if a hundred thousand >people had said 'wop', which puzzled him, because he was the only person on the >ship. >It was dark. Mew: ## A little too dark. ## All: ……………………………. Glyph: Don’t start that one again. >Most of the ship's non-essential systems were closed down. It was >drifting idly in a remote area of the Galaxy, deep in the inky blackness of >space. So which particular hundred thousand people would turn up at this point >and say a totally unexpected 'wop'? Suddenly REBB01 grabs a mallet and clunks Washu in timing with the fic. She reacts. REBB: That was for earlier. Washu: (rubbing her head) Where did you get that? REBB: Subspace…It’s like for me Fibber McGee’s closet, only I can control what comes out. >He looked about him, up the corridor and down the corridor. Cypher: Up one corridor, there is the horrible death… the other is…Washu in her nurse’s outfit. Glyph: Go for the lesser of two evils… Everyone but Washu and Glyph: GO FOR THE HORRIBLE DEATH! GO FOR THE HORRIBLE DEATH! Glyph: Well, I meant get past Washu… >It was all in deep shadow. Ukyo: What was? REBB: US? Everyone: In the dark? >There were just the very dim pinkish outlines to the doors which glowed >in the dark and pulsed whenever they spoke, though he had tried every way he >could think of of stopping them. Washu: Well, well, watch, watch, for, for, the repeats. >He leant tensly Mew: ## Spell-check! Line 13! Along with apricots. ## >against the corridor wall and frowned like a man trying to >unbend a corkscrew by telekinesis. Washu: Like this? (She shows them a straightened corkscrew.) Everyone else: ……………………………………… >He laid his fingertips against the wall and >felt an unusual vibration. Cypher: (Bugs Bunny) Aqucusctically Pou-fect >And now he could quite clearly hear slight noises, In background, the Dragnet Theme, BA-DA-DA-BUM. All: What the…!????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??! >and could hear where they were comming from - they were comming from the bridge. REBB and Glyph smile. Ukyo: I believe the author should be worried…if two MSTers look at each other and smile like THAT… >Moving his hand along the wall he came across something he was glad to find. REBB: The way out of this fic? Everyone else: LAME! REBB: It was the cleanest one I could think of. All: Oh. >He moved on a little further, quietly. >'Computer?' he hissed. Mew: (Shampoo in cat) Meow! Cypher: (Ranma) GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME! Ukyo, whanging both with spatula. >'Mmmm?' said the computer terminal nearest him equally quietly. Glyph: (Whispering) Why are they whispering? >Is there someone on this ship?' REBB: Yeah, you stupid. >'Mmmmm,' said the computer. Ukyo: Good soup. >'Who is it?' Washu: Look in the mirror. >'Mmmmm mmm mmmmm,' said the computer. >'What?' Glyph: Who? Cypher: Where? Mew: ## Why for? ## Ukyo: When? Washu: How? REBB: Who cares? >'Mmmmm mmmm mm mmmmmmmm,' Cypher: Too many peanut butter sandwiches. >Zaphod buried one of his two faces in two of his hands. Mew and Ukyo: ## ??????????????????????? ## >'Oh, Zarquon,' he muttered to himself. Then he stared up the corridor Glyph: He’s really considering it? REBB: And I thought Washu was not an option for a direction. >towards >the entrance to the bridge in the dim distance from which more and purposeful >noises were comming, Someone started making straining sounds. Ukyo: If ANYONE starts that toilet joke, I’m gonna string you up! >and in which the gagged terminals were situated. Washu: Remind me to tell Andrew to move his shoes again. I think the evil spirits have moved on… Glyph wops Washu with a mallet. Washu: Hey! How did you get a hold on that? REBB gives a giggle. >'Computer,' he hissed again. >'Mmmmm?' >'When I ungag you . . .' Washu: Oh, the possibilities… Mew: ## Hmmmmm. ## Glyph: Keep it clean guys. Ukyo: Computer, laugh like Kodachi Kuno…That’ll take out anybody. REBB and Cypher both do a full body shiver. Cypher: That’s not funny… REBB: But true. >'Mmmmm.' >'Remind me to punch myself in the mouth.' >'Mmmmm mmm?' >'Either one. Glyph: Oh goody, a choice. >Now tell me this. One for yes, two for no. Is it dangerous?' Cypher: Well, I’d say no. REBB: (Zaphod) Okay. (Make noise like going down the hall. Suddenly there’s the sound of rapid fire.) Ukyo: (Handing Glyph some money) You win. Mew: ##What was that for? ## (Washu suddenly appears around the corner, holding what looked like intense Blaster) Glyph: We had a bet she would get back at him before the fic was done. >'Mmmm.' >'It is?' REBB: (Still smoking) IT is hwta? (Shakes himself out.) >'Mmmm.' >'You didn't just go "mmmm" twice?' >'Mmmm mmmm.' >'Hmmmm.' Everyone starts humming. >He inched his way up the corridor as if he would rather be yarding his way down >it, which was true. He was within two yards of the door to the bridge when he >suddenly realized to his horror that it was going to be nice to him, and he >stopped dead. Ukyo: That is scary… >He hadn't been able to turn off the doors' courtesy voice >circuits. Mew: ## The manual was over 10,000 pages long…## Cypher: And written in Iranian. All: Ouch! >This doorway to the bridge was concealed from view within it because of the >excitingly chunky way in which the bridge had been designed to curve round, and >he had hoped to enter unobserved. Washu: You- hooooo! He’s over here! Everyone else: Shut up! >He leant despondently back against the wall >again and said some words which his other head was quite shocked to hear. REBB: You’re adopted. Everyone else: GGROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! >He peered at the dim pink outline of the door, and discovered that in the >darkness of the corridor he could just about make out the Sensor Field which >extended out into the corridor and told the door when there was someone there >for whom it must open and to whom it must make a cheery and pleasant remark. >He pressed himself hard back against the wall and edged himself towards the >door, flattening his chest as much as he possibly could to avoid brushing >against the very, very dim perimeter of the field. He then realized he was going >to have to speak at this point. Washu: Pull a Mel Tillis and sing it then. >He took a series of very shallow breaths, and then said as quickly and quietly >as he could, 'Door, if you can hear me, say so very, very quietly.' >Very, very quietly the door murmured, 'I can hear you.' Glyph: I AIN’T DEAF!!! >'Good. Now in a moment, I'm going to ask you to open. When you open I do not >want you to say that you enjoyed it, OK?' >'OK.' >'And I don't want you to say to me that I have made a simple door very happy, or >that it is your pleasure to open for me and your satisfaction to close again >with the knowledge of a job well done, OK?' >'OK.' Cypher: Anyone sensing a pattern here? >'And I do not want you to ask me to have a nice day, understand?' REBB: Okay, have a lousy f-ing day. >'I understand.' Glyph: Thanks…I think. >'OK,' said Zaphod, tensing himself, 'open now.' Ukyo: Open, sasporilla, no, open sesame! >The door slid open very quietly. Zaphod slipped quietly through. The door closed >quietly behind him. >'Is that the way you like it, Mr Beeblebrox?' said the door out loud. Cypher: Thank you ever so much for ruining the surprise. >'I want you to imagine,' said Zaphod to the cyan haired lady who swung around to >stare at him at that point, 'that I have an extremely powerful Kill-O-Zap >blaster pistol in my hand.' REBB: (The cyan-haired lady) And I want to you to imagine that there is a big empty spot…between your ears. >There was silence. Mew: ## Not in this room, surely. ## >The lady regarded him with a cynical glance from her yellow >eyes. She was clad in a black bodysuit and a dark blue cape to offset her light >cyan hair, which seemed to point in all directions. A bunch of sarcastic wolf-whistles start. >Her appearance was unnatural >- almost like a demon, with an aura of confidence and cynicism. Cypher: Okay, that’s her all right. >If Zaphod had >paid more attention to the SubEtha news broadcasts, he would have known that >this was the space pirate Ryoko, wanted for many cases of Ultra-Energy-Matter >theft as well as countless other offences. >He stared at her Washu: I’m gonna kill him for looking at my daughter that way. >in shock. Mew: (Using transform) PIKA-CHUUUUU! All: Getting old! Cypher: Cut it out before you-know-who comes back. >Behind her a massive crystalline spike was >protruding from a tear in the hull to the opposite wall where it had damaged >several computer consoles. She had been dismantling part of the rear bridge >wall, and had forced a passage through some of the vital innards of the ship. >Through the tangled wreckage Zaphod could see, with a further and worse sense >of shock, that she was tunnelling towards the very heart of the ship, the >Improbability drive and it's supply of Ultra-Energy-Matter. Washu: Oh shit, not that again. >Then, with a confident, feminine and not quite so demonic voice, she said >'You do have a Kill-O-Zap blaster pistol in your hand.' Glyph: …And a very empty spot between your ears. >Zaphod didn't know what she meant for a moment, but then he glanced down at his >own hand and was relieved to see that what he had found clipped to a wall >bracket was indeed what he thought it was. REBB: Lemme guess, the pistol… >'Yeah,' he said, 'well, I wouldn't want to overtax your imagination.' Ukyo: Ready, aim, riff… Cypher: Apparently, he didn’t… and didn’t overtax either brain, at all. >For a while, nobody said anything, and Zaphod realized that she was obviously >not here to make conversation, and it was up to him. Mew: ## So nice weather we’re having, uh, yeah? ## Ukyo: Space is definitely cold this time of year… >'I can't help noticing that you have parked your ship,' he said with a nod of >one of his heads in the appropriate direction, 'through mine.' Glyph: (Zaphod) And it ain’t a bloody PARKING GARAGE, ya know! >Again, she made no response to this, Ukyo: Whatsa matter? Shampoo got your tongue? Cypher: And what does she want with it? Everyone else: EWWWWWWWWWWW! > and Zaphod wondered if the conversation >would gather momentum if he phrased his part of it in the form of questions. >'. . . haven't you?' he added. REBB: (The woman as Xelloss) That is a secret. Everyone else: Don’t even start with him… >'Yes I have' replied the demon, as if it was the most natural thing to do, which >it was considering that she was an infamous space pirate. Everyone else (To Washu) : Sound familiar, yet? >'So what are you doing here?' Glyph: No psychological debates, please. REBB: No lemon scents, either, it couldn’t be one of those. >'I have come for your Ultra-Energy-Matter.' >Zaphod nodded. Mew: ## Off to sleep. ## >He waggled his gun to invite further elaboration. All: (disgusted) Don’t touch that, don’t touch that… >She seemed to understand this. Ukyo: Just because she understood it, didn’t mean she wanted to touch it! >'And so I am going to take it.' she answered calmly. All: GROAN! >Zaphod was especially worried about her staying so calm when pointed at with a Kill-O-Zap blaster >pistol. He tried to remember what the guide said about space pirates. Everyone looks to Ukyo. >He couldn't quite remember, but was certain that it was not quite unlike the entry on vogons. Cypher: The Saotome Secret Technique…Run away! >Deciding that he still had the upper hand in form of a Kill-O-Zap >blaster pistol, he decided to challenge her last answer. Washu: (Regis Philbin) Is that Your final answer? >'No you won't. It makes my ship work.' >'And when I have taken it, I am going to use your ship as a trap for the GP.' >'Oh yeah? ' said Zaphod waggling his gun. >'Yes', said the demon with a twinkle in her yellow eyes, and vanished before he >could shoot. Zaphod was about to think how bad manners it was for a person to >disappear when being threatened with a Kill-O-Zap blaster pistol, but he was >interrupted when an energy bolt hit him from behind and knocked him out. Glyph: Talk about Griswald Headache. Everyone else: Obscure! >The cyan haired demon looked at him falling from her new position behind him. A >smile showed on her face. Usually capturing Ultra-Energy-Matter transports was a >lot more boring. >-=o End o=- REBB: Thank God! Glyph: Oops, author’s notes. >Yes, yes, I know I have taken an awful lot from the HHGttG book, but it is >entertaining reading, so I hope you don't mind. This little story was just a bit >of inspiration and practice before I go on to my first real >x-over/fusion/whatever project. I have yet to decide if it will actually contain >HHGttG. In any event, this was my first fic, but feel free to comment to: >coyote@daimi.au.dk Pathos: (stretching) You have break before next fic! (He jumps from the holographic booth) They exit the theater, and head separate ways for a moment. # # # # # Andrew: Hey, can you guys come up to the bridge? # # # Glyph steps onto the bridge first followed by the others. Glyph: What’s up, Drew-hon? Andrew: Something came up on the screen, another ship, I think. Everyone settled onto positions as practiced before, for trouble. The sensors showed an image that left an impressive mark. Its red hull empathized its bullet-like shape. It confused the group, for a moment. Then REBB01 read the ship’s identification very clearly before everyone else did, on the side of it hull that made him abruptly panic. All the others see is the Large L-A. REBB: Lo-lo-lo-lo-OH SHIT! Cypher: What do you see, man? Suddenly, REBB01 shoves Andrew over, onto the floor. The pilot cusses in return as the cybertronian “jacks” into the computer, sending the ship into a very fast forward velocity, into another dimension. Everyone else fights to hold onto whatever available handhold that is around. Abruptly, the ship slows, and stops. Glyph finds she has a bump. Ukyo: IS everyone Okay? Different variances of “Yeah” spoke up around the bridge. Then several hands dragged the cybertronian into a briefing room. Glyph: What the hell did you… you do that for? REBB01 called up the graphic on the ship, then zoomed in on the ships identification, making it large enough that can be seen across the room. REBB01: (calmly) There are just some people you don’t mess with… He walked out calmly, letting the rest of the explanation to Glyph. But she was trying to get around a fact as well. Glyph: Lo-lo-lo-lo-lovely--Angels! Washu: Who? Cypher: He already did that hokey bit! Glyph: (panicked) That’s—that was Dirty Pair Flash! Ukyo: What’s the big deal? Suddenly, Glyph brought up a pair of graphics. They were graph bars for the Dirty Pair’s record. One was a very green bar, low on the screen. It was labeled “Successful Missions”. Then there was a second red bar, labeled, “Body Count During Successful Missions”. It kept getting higher and higher on the screen, until it went off the screen and the numbers kept going. The higher it went, the ones that could pale, got whiter and whiter. Cypher’s eyes went wide. The pokemon squeaked. Mew: ## Yow! ## Glyph: That guy may have just saved our asses… Washu whistled appraisingly. # # # # # Back in the lobby, everyone did a little calming of their nerves before getting in. Glyph has a pack of baked potato chips and a ranch dip. The breakfast dishes were strewn about, but empty, a long time ago. Cypher gave a slight smile, nevertheless swept them away into a corner, for later. They return to their former positions, but Glyph takes a seat on another beanbag chair. ***********(Ranma’s voice) Yea, we’re being held hostage by a UFO in a diaper. ********* >The Taking of AIC >A Tenchi-Muyo! fanfic by Keiichi Masaki >(keiichi_dono@hotmail.com, keiichi_dono@altavista.net) Glyph: For anyone wishing to let this guy know whatever they’re thinking, bad or otherwise… >Tenchi and company are the property of Pioneer and AIC. >This fic was inspired by all the bitching on the Tenchi ML over the past few months >about the "poor quality" of Manatsu no Eve (whoops, I mean Daughter of Darkness) REBB: Should have seen “Tenchi Forever”…Phew! Washu noticeably shivers and says nothing. Cypher: Never mind Andrew’s socks warding off spirits…use that. Worse than garlic! >and Shin Tenchi (whoops again, I mean Tenchi in Tokyo), the anime film Otaku no Video, and >the old adage (which is probably the motto of fanfic writers the world 'round), Washu: “Don’t mix high voltage experiments and Mihoshi” Ukyo: “A way to man’s heart is through his stomach.” Glyph: Yeah, right. Try “Men’s heads are like doorknobs…any pretty girl can turn them.” Ukyo: (Holding spatula a little close to Glyph’s neck.) Take that back! Glyph: (sweatdrop) Okay, here’s one, “One good bit is as good as a bite”? Mew: ## “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” ## Cypher: “Always put the horse before the carrying mechanism.” REBB: “If all else fails, play dead.” >"If you want something done right, do it yourself." All: Oh. >(Cue opening theme--"Otaking" from Otaku no Video) >They could be seen from kilometers away. Cypher: And they could be smelled from father still…! >They could be heard from dozens of kilometer away. All: (Ryoga) WHERE ON EARTH ARE WE NOW?????? >They made no overt signs of violence, but all in their path decided that >discretion was the better part of valor and got out of the way. >There were millions of them, some in the forms of their favorite anime or manga >characters, others brave enough to retain their original identities. Ukyo: I can’t tell which is scarier… >There were giant >pandas and kawaii teenage schoolgirls in skimpy fukus and adorable pets of every >conceivable type, from cabbits to hot-springs penguins. There were mecha, Valkyries >and Evangelions and Gundams and even less well-known models. Cypher: Yeow—When did Genma get a tattoo **there**? Glyph: How can anyone get tattoo there?! Ukyo: Hey, Mew, I see, more of your relatives… Yipe! Boy, if that guy thinks he’s Ryoga, he needs to loose about 500 pounds! REBB: Hey Washu, when did Ryoko get a beard? Washu: WHAT??!!! Cypher: Hey, like the chest on…UT oh, UT OH! (Washu gains the battle aura around her.) REBB: Don’t that spatula look familiar, Ukyo? But you don’t wear glasses. Ukyo: (joins Washu in battle aura department) They are DEAD! >The guards around the building, some of whom had been military veterans, >screamed and ran. Glyph: Sound like a bad dub of an old Godzilla movie…Scratch that, they were all bad. Ukyo: What are you talking about? >For the foe they faced, you see, was no ordinary foe, who can be >disarmed by grabbing their weapons (although many in the crowd were armed). >These were people whose weapons were their words and imaginations, the ones >who sat at computers and poured their hearts and souls into something that not many >people can understand, the ones who regarded writing as a labor of love instead of a >necessary chore. Glyph: Obviously, how many of these people have actually written a term paper? >These were fanfic writers. REBB and Glyph: OUCH! >And they had come for their revenge. Washu: (Smaug, from Hobbit) REVENGE…YOU…HAAA!!! >It had started slowly, with barely-heard complaints about decaying quality in >certain series. The complaints had become better-heard as some series were left >unfinished, or new products did not stand up to the expectations of the otaku. >Finally, a convocation of fanfic writers was called, to discuss what could be done Mew: ## Revolt! ## REBB: (Pepe le Pew French) Viva La Revolution! >about the crisis. Glyph: Yeah. >Representatives of every major anime fandom group was there, from the >influential Anime Fan Fiction Ring to the small-but-devoted Temple of the Teal-tressed >Goddess, Kiyone Makibi. For weeks the options were debated, to the point where it >seemed as if all was lost. Cypher: Another Ryoga crack, guys? Ukyo: What the hell… >But then some wiseass quipped, "Why don't we take over?" Mew: (To wise-ass) ## Thank you, Mr. Gates. ## >The entire assembly laughed at the joke, for it was a much-needed break of stress. >However, some started thinking about it, and the more they thought, the more sense it >made. Washu: It would, wouldn’t it? >You see, fanfic writers are not all college students with too much free time on >their hands. Some have actual careers, and in important places. Cypher: OH real… REBB and Glyph: LEAVE IT ALONE! Cypher: Huh? REBB and Glyph: LEAVE IT ALONE!!!!!! > Over the next few >months, arrangements were made, and money changed hands. And now, the dream of >every fanfic writer--recognition as a professional--was at hand. >The assembly ground to a halt in front of its objective, the headquarters of Anime >International Company, or AIC. This was the company that most fanfic writers had a >beef with, Ukyo: And pork, chicken, squid, etc. etc. >and thus this was the starting point. Washu: (In reading Mew’s signs) On you mark… get set… >In the front lines, nearest the main entrance, a young man best described as a >younger, stockier Ryoji Kaji All: Who? >minus the stubble and plus a mustache hefted his >megaphone. By a consensus of his fellow Tenchi-Muyo! specialists (and due to the >author's ego), he had been elected spokeswriter for the AIC invasion. Looking around >nervously, he raised the megaphone to his lips, preparing to speak— REBB: Friends, Romans, Otaku, Lend me your ears! Suddenly he is pelted by little bits of plastic shaped like ears. Ukyo: Gross! Where are they coming from? Glyph noticed something. Glyph: MEW! Mew: ## HEE HEE! ## >--and one of the third-story windows opened, a white flag tentatively poking out, >as if expecting to come under fire, before waving around frantically. >Beside him, a 185-cm tall man with thinning blond hair relaxed. "Wow," he said. >"That was almost too easy." REBB: A little too easy… Ukyo: Don’t even start! >"No kidding," said the oversized and foul-smelling cabbit with an eyepatch and a >backwards-turned Yankees cap. Giggles started. >"To tell you the truth," commented the muscular young man who bore a familial >resemblance to a certain teal-tressed goddess, "I feel almost disappointed." >"I'm not," murmured the spokeswriter. Mew: ## He’s not? ## Glyph: I think something’s wrong…. >"I hadn't decided what to say." >All the otaku around him facefaulted. So did the MSTers… >At the negotiations table, two days later REBB: I’ll have a large pepperoni pizza >"....we'll give you anything you want, anything!" The CEO of AIC looked quite >frantic. The otaku negotiating team mentally decided that bringing in several Evas Cypher: Pretty good sized room considering Evas are forty feet tall. >with them had been a good idea. >The head negotiator for the otaku, a young man whose major mark on fanfic >writing had been an uproariously hilarious spoof on a very dark anime, considered for a >moment. "We only want one thing, for all of us...." Washu: An experiment without Mihoshi intervening! Mew: ## Spaghetti! ## REBB: That large pepperoni! Cypher: A good snow! Glyph: Unlimited Rental time on anime tapes! Ukyo: A wedding ring from Ranma! Glyph: (Glare) ……………. Ukyo: What? >The CEO gulped, afraid that the ranks of writers outside would descend upon him >now, to tear him limb from limb for the poor quality of the last Tenchi movie. REBB: Ready, aim, and flame! (He waves his flamethrower around.) Everyone else: WATCH WHERE YOU’RE SWINGING THAT THING!!!!!! >"We want to be on your writing staff!" >The CEO facefaulted. So did the MSTers. >He recovered quickly. "That's it?" > The young man who headed the Tenchi delegation nodded. "Who better to write >anime? For us, it's a labor of love." >Epilogue: >IAC (International Anime Channel, #789 on your cable box) >Mondays: Original Series (TV) >(Tenchi Universe, Ranma 1/2, Evangelion, etc.) >Tuesdays: Original Spin-offs*** >(Evangelion R, Tenchi Muyo TV, Thy Inward Love, etc.) >Wednesdays: OVA Surprise* >(Tenchi-Muyo!Ryo-ohki, El-Hazard: The Magnificent World, Macross Plus, etc.) >Thursdays: Alternate Worlds** >(Mugen Tenchi Muyo!, Neon Exodus Evangelion, Heaven and Eternity, etc.) >Fridays: Movie Time* >(Tenchi Muyo in Love, End of Evangelion, Super Dimensional Fortress Macross: Do You >Remember Love?, etc.) All: (Watching fireworks) OOOOOO, AhAHHHHH! >Saturday: Mature Themes** >(Aikan Muyo, La Blue Girl, The Misato Chronicles, etc.) All: OH! >Sunday: One-shots and Spoofs*** >(Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut, Iron Roses, Inevitabilities) >(Note to guide: The titles listed above are indicative of the types of series that can be >found each night, and are not the only series that can be seen that night. Nearly 50% of >all the series, movies, etc. are fanfic-based and are relatively accurate as far as the source >material is concerned; the nights with asterixes are indicative of the number of fanfic- >based anime that night: *=10-40%, **=41-75%, and ***=76-100%. In addition, many of >the series have episodes that are much longer than the others (i.e., Heaven and Eternity >#14; Mugen Tenchi Muyo! #12; just about every episode of Aikan Muyo) and thus qualify >to be shown on both their series' home night and on the movie night. If you have a fanfic >that you would like to see adapted into an anime, please contact the Chief Adaptive >Writer-Editor at keiichi_dono@hotmail.com. Thank you!) Washu: Did you guys catch all that? Glyph: Why? >(Cue closing theme--"The Lost Way of Otaku" from Otaku no Video) >Author's notes: Oh, if only this could happen. Don't think that I'm unaware of the current >financial problems in Japan right now, I am. This is meant to be a joke, a fantasy. I think >every fanfic writer has a fantasy about their stories being made into real live (figuratively >speaking, of course) anime. Glyph dreamy-eyed look in her eyes as well. >Thank you to Michael "Brazil" Borgwardt, Patrick "Seion" Stewart, and Joe "Chi-ohki" >McKenzie for providing me with physical descriptions--and thus inviting yourselves into >the story. For the rest of you, I asked and asked and asked, and they were the only ones >who responded. I tried to include you in as part of the masses. >My apologies to Andrew Huang for featuring you without your permission. >This is for everyone who's ever seen a TV show or read a book and thought, "I could do >better than that." REBB: Like us? Everyone else: Like us. >Keiichi Masaki, High Priest of the Temple >of the Teal-tressed Goddess, Kiyone Makibi >Member of the Kiyone Ring and the Tenchi Ring >Co-writer, Mugen Tenchi Muyo! >http://members.xoom.com/RC_Books/mugen1.html >Visit my Temple of the Teal-tressed Goddess >http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Palace/9909 >ICQ #: 18044248 Glyph: Whatever that means… >"I am the one you think I am." >--Katsuhito "Yosho" Masaki >"The carnival comes and goes. If you wait for a while, >it'll always come back to you." >--Ryoko Cypher: (Artie, from the Larry Sanders show) “Kicking ass in the morning is better than cappuccino.” Cypher: What is a Griswald Headache anyway? Ukyo take her battle spatula and whacks him in the back of the head. Glyph: That…only with a frying pan. Cypher: (High pitched) Thanks. Glyph: So what do you guys think… on the first one… REBB: Nice idea, just didn’t work… Washu: And didn’t seem to be using his own ideas much… Glyph: And the second? REBB and Glyph: We only wish… Rest: The horror! Glyph: Oh, and thank you for the pic of whoever that was in the Ryoko costume at a fan con…we don’t know who you are , but thanks for the funny idea we needed to continue this! REBB: Well, till next time…and also check out the fan fic, Glyph and I are writing… “If Wishes Were Cabbits.” All: Bye!