I do not own any characters in this fan fic beyond Raid. Craeyst owns
Craeyst. The Idea of what Raid is comes from a book by Anne McCafery. Do not
sue I have very little money. It has been one month since the completion of
the first MST and Craeyst has had himself locked in one of the corridors for
the entire time. We begin with Relena attempting to convince Craeyst to exit
the corridor…



Relena (standing out side Craeyst’s corridor): Craeyst this is not amusing
any more. Will you please stop feeling sorry for yourself and come out?

Raid (after a Minute of silence): Relena I believe you are correct in the
fact that he has been in there way to long. I will open the door so you can
talk to him directly.

Relena ( as the door locks begin to whir): Thank you Raid I will try my best
to talk some since into him.

Raid (as the door slides out of the way): And before you blame me I told him
to take a replicated stove. (This last part is said as Relena gasps in shock
at the state our intrepid explorer is in)

Craeyst (shabbily dressed standing over a side of beef with a chainsaw looks
up when he hears Relena. (The chain saw wasn’t on yet) Turning off the
blowtorch he had been using to cook his food he sets down the saw and calmly
straitening his clothing bows curtly to Relena): Raid I thought I told you I
wanted to be left alone?

Raid (with a paternal note in his voice (Relena is still a bit shocked)):
Craeyst it’s been a month don-

Craeyst (cutting off Raid): Bloody-hell! A month you say?

Relena (recovered): Yes Craeyst a month. Don’t you think it’s time for you
to get over your self-pity?

Craeyst (muttering): A month they say. (Out loud) Yes you’re quite right,
but before I come out I would like to request the company of some friends of
mine.

Raid (hillbilly voice): Your wish is my command Craeyst o’ buddy o’ mine.

Craeyst & Relena in unison: Please never do that again.

Raid: Ok. Sheesh tough crowd. Anyhow, how many, who are they and their
professions please.

Craeyst: There are two of them. Their names are Vincent and Victor
Dementile. Vincent is a mechanical genius and Victor is a businessman of
great caliber.

Raid: Search commencing. Targets found. Transport activate. (Lights dim as
portal targeting and transportation take power from the less vital systems.
Then lights return to full power) Targets are now on board and looking very
confused. Craeyst please see to our guests I think they will be more
confused by me no matter what I do to alter my hologram they are not stupid
and would realize that I do not truly walk.

Craeyst: They are a very understanding duo and I believe that they can take
the shock.

Raid: Still better safe than sorry.

Craeyst: You have a point. (Sighs and begins to straighten himself up as
best he can) I wish I had time to change.

    Craeyst begins walking towards the transporter deck. He stumbles, as he
hasn’t been on his feet for a while. He continually is muttering something
about unlettered heathens and Andean whiskey. Eventually, and none the worse
for wear, the disheveled author arrives at the transporter deck.

Victor: Craeyst, you look like hell.

Raid (floats in behind Craeyst): He does, doesn’t he?

(Vincent walks in a large circle around Craeyst then whispers in his
brother’s ear.)

Victor: Have you people been at all critical of Craeyst recently?

Raid: Yes. We MST’ed a fic of his. Why do you ask?

(Victor sighs and snaps his fingers. Vincent pulls a small package out of
his jacket and hands it to Craeyst. Craeyst opens it, reads the papers
contained within, then dashes off.)

Victor (staring at watch): Any minute now…

(Craeyst reappears in full regalia. His entrance is accompanied by grandiose
music, dramatic lighting, and sweeping camera angles. He is freshly shaven
and his hair has been powdered and trimmed. In other words, bishonen.)

Craeyst: I have returned.

Raid: (sweatdrop on hologram) What was that?

Victor: Fanmail. Craeyst has a very easily damaged ego. You should have seen
some of the things that happened back in college.

Raid: Two questions, chain saw and blow torch?

Victor: A man has to eat. (Raid’s hologram’s sweatdrop increases in size)
But seriously, when something like that happens, Craeyst used to find it
necessary to go on a quest to redeem his masculinity.

(Relena walks in. She sees Craeyst cleaned up, Raid looking perplexed, a
gentleman in a gray suit wearing dark sunglasses, and a really quiet guy in
a black jacket and jeans ensemble wearing even darker sunglasses)

Relena: Might I inquire as to whom our new guests are?

Craeyst: I can perform that task easily, Miss Relena. Allow me to introduce
Victor and Vincent Dementile. (points to the one in the suit) Victor is
amongst the elite of Silicon Valley. His personal worth is beyond
comprehension. (points to the one in the jacket) And Vincent is quite
possibly the greatest engineer I’ve ever seen. I watched him once repair the
hull of my yacht with only a ratchet.

Victor: I remember that day. We holed the yacht off the coast of Bermuda
while marlin fishing.

Craeyst: Yes indeed. We should’ve been watching where we were going, rather
than that Italian bird sunning herself on the beach.

(both men starting laughing in arrogant tones)

Craeyst and Victor in unison: And we never got her number. (begin laughing
even harder)

    At this point, the others are becoming somewhat perturbed by Craeyst and
Victor’s laughter. Basically, the two sound like a pair of pompous old
windbags. Which isn’t particularly fair; they aren’t that old. In any case,
before anyone could get settled in, the bad fic warning went off.

(Raid’s hologram disappears. Relena gets a bit of a nervous look and turns
to the three men)

Relena: Gentlemen. We must now concentrate on the task at hand.

Craeyst & Victor: (snap to) Yes Ma’am.

Raid (over speakers): Oh great. The system had to find us a lemon.

Craeyst: System?

Raid: Yes. The MONAD.

Everyone else: MONAD?

Raid: Search Engine For the Location Of BAd Fan Fiction, or SEFLOBAFF. I
call it MONAD for short. (rest of crew facefault) Anyway, it found us a
lemon. So…. TO THE PORTAL! (William Tell Overture begins playing on the
speakers as Craeyst and Relena, dragging Victor along with them, rush to the
inter-dimensional character location portal (patent pending).)

Craeyst: So, Raid my good man, who is on the boards tonight?

Raid: (scans through all of the dimensional openings) Possibles are Sasami.

Craeyst: For a lemon?!?! Are you daft?

Raid: No, she’d help Relena with the sanity preservation detail. (all nod
weakly) Also, Itsuki from the Initial D universe.

Victor: I’d smack him just on general principles.

Raid: You really get into this sort of thing, don’t you?

Victor: If you think I’m a sonuvabitch, you should get Craeyst on someone’s
case once in a while. He’s vicious.

Craeyst (smugly): Yeah, remember when we watched the Matthew Broderick
version of Godzilla? (both men start that pompous laughter again)

Raid: Anyway, the third is Isamu Dyson of Macross Plus.

Craeyst: Pull him.

(the lights dim, as the portal takes about 80% of Raid’s energy to pull a
person from another dimension, and the portal flickers and cracks as the
computer begins the transfer. A few minutes later, a young man in a flight
uniform with red hair steps out of the portal)

Isamu: What the hell is this crap?

Relena: I beg your pardon?

Isamu: Huh? Where am I?

Raid: You are within me. I am Raid.

(Craeyst and Victor step forward. Isamu appears relieved to see them.)

Isamu: At last, some normal people.

Raid: (chuckles quietly)

Craeyst: Welcome aboard the battleship Raid. We have selected you to assist
us in our attempt to stick it to some incredibly poor writers.

Victor: Judging by what I’ve heard so far while I’ve been here, calling them
writers is flattery.

Isamu: You mean I’ve got to sit around and read?

Raid: No, we convert them to film format.

Isamu: Excellent.

Craeyst: (under his breath) Not bloody likely. (aloud) Glad to see that
you’re eager to lend a hand, my boy. You may call me Craeyst Raygal, BA,
MBE, Md.

Victor: And I, young man, am Victor Dementile, CEO of Demertia Enterprises.

Isamu: Okay, who’s the cute one at the console?

(out of nowhere, a vision in a green tank top and black spandex shorts drops
down, pointing a gun at Isamu’s head)

Craeyst: First, it may be wise for you to meet her boyfriend, Heero Yuy.

Raid: I thought I told you no guns, Heero.

Heero; (holsters gun and walks away) ……

Craeyst: Anyway, the lady is Her Royal Highness, Princess Relena Peacecraft
of the Former Cinq Kingdom. {author’s note: any and all Gundam Wing
references are circa: AC195, pre-episode 48, and consider Episode Zero to
have no relevance whatsoever, thank you for your time}

Isamu: Sheesh, she looks like a kid.

Craeyst: In my eye, do you think you look any older? Come now, we have a fic
to tear apart.



After the debacle of the first MST, Raid had constructed a much more
enjoyable complex to host the MST’ing. The new theater has all of the
comforts one would desire, including automated food replicators. Now the
only problem is in the fact that the movies are of such poor quality.

Relena: (from outside the theater) Are you boys sure you’ll be fine?

Craeyst: Victor and I have the stamina to withstand most anything.

Victor: Yes, remember Sailor and the Seven Balls?

Craeyst: (pales at mention of the name) The therapy had taken care of that,
old friend. I hope you don’t mind fronting the bill this time around.

Raid: (his hologram materializes in the theater) Has it begun?

Craeyst: No, we have not even begun the bleedin’ intro.

Raid: Begin the bleedin’ intro.

Craeyst: You did that just for the sake of annoying me.

Computer Voice: Today’s fic is "Everybody Has Secrets" by ShadowX. It is a
lemon. Viewers are to be cautioned.

Isamu: A what?

Raid: Lemon, sexually explicit fan-fiction.

Isamu: You mean porn.

Craeyst: Not quite that good, I’m afraid old sport.

Victor: It begins, the horror begins.

You now the rules, if your under 18, don't read anymore. Tenchi muyo and all
affiliated characters are property of AIC and Pioneer LDC. This lemon has
nothing to do with the real Tenchi Muyo and neither AIC nor Pioneer LDC was
involved in this story.

Isamu: Under 18? Who listens to that?

Craeyst: I was in adult films by 18, not just watching.

Raid: Did not need to know that.

Craeyst: They were tasteful. Besides, it really was only a cameo.

Others: (sigh of relief) Ohh.

Everybody has secrets

Victor: I haven’t since that article in Forbes.

Craeyst: Yes you do, old chap. Nobody yet knows of your mist— (Victor stuffs
the arm of his chair into Craeyst’s mouth before he says anymore)

In this lemon Sasami, Aeka, Ryoko and Mihoshi all live in Tenchi's house.

Raid: Nothing new there.

The old man Tenchi lives with (can't remember his name) is away, somewhere
'cause I didn't want him in this story.

Victor: Which old man does this idiot mean?

Craeyst: It can’t be Katsuhito. Tenchi doesn’t live with his grandfather.

Raid: Must be Noboyuki.

Craeyst: Are the mid-thirties considered old?

Raid: No, a few millennia is old.

Isamu: Who are you talking about?

Craeyst: We forgot to fix him. (Raid quickly attaches the Instant Otaku
Knowledge Booster [batteries not included] to Isamu. He quickly becomes just
as well versed in anime minutiae as the other MST’ers.)

Isamu: Wow, Mihoshi is an 88cm bust!

Raid: I must of downloaded that out of Craeyst’s mind. Oops.

Sasami and Aeka shares room,

Victor: (singing) It’s roooom. It’s rooom. It’s spacious and comfy and
sqaure.

Craeyst: (joins in) It’s roooom. It’s roooom. Good filled but also fun bare.

Raid: How did you two come up with that on the spot?

Craeyst (as Mr. Bean): Magic.

the other ones all have their own rooms.

It was around 03:45 when Tenchi woke up, he had a really nice dream about
himself, Aeka and Ryoko fucking.

Raid: As if those two would get along long enough to screw.

Craeyst: Not to mention, their combined sex drives would be far too much for
any one man.

Isamu: I’d take that bet.

He wondered why he had awakened

Victor: Cheap plot device.

and then realized that he heard noices

Craeyst: I wonder if a noice is anything like a Genevian Slime-devil.

Victor: Possibly. I’d have to see what happens when you put it next to the
author’s ear.

from the living-room. He took his sword and slowly walked down the stairs.
But there was nobody there so he went up to the second floor again and when
he was walking past Sasamis door,

Craeyst: Keep walking, young man, or so help me God.

Victor: I thought you were an agnostic.

Craeyst: I am, but I’d like a deity’s help in the destruction of someone
writing about that dearhearted little girl being placed in such despicable
scenarios.

he noticed that the light was on in her room, he saw light coming out from
her keyhole and the gap under her door. He peeked through the keyhole and he
was really suprised by what he saw.

Raid: Absolutely nothing?

Isamu: The YF-21?

Victor: The blueprints for the Pentium 27 processor?

Craeyst: A Chateau d’Arte 1836?

Sasami stood infront of the mirror and stripped while fingering her pussy!

Raid: (turns green, which is interesting since he’s in his holographic
state) That…is…just… wrong!

Isamu: She’s eight! Nobody even has a sex drive at eight!

Craeyst: Nor the slightest idea as to how to satisfy it singularly, either.

She wa only wearing a kimono so the striptease was short.

Victor: I’ll assume that he meant ‘was’.

Craeyst: Striptease was a fairly short film, anyway. Especially compared to
the book.

Tenchi felt his teenage cook rise

All: Cook?!??!?!??!?!??!?

Craeyst: All right then. We all know that we all have a multitude of jokes
for this one. I suggest that to make it seem more balanced, we allow only
one person to make jokes about it. Isamu, as you are the guest. You can take
it.

Isamu: (big grin)

and thought:s "Maybe I shouldn't do this, she has her own private life, like
everybody else. But still, this doesn't happen so often!"

Victor: According to most of my lady friends, it doesn’t happen at all.

He continued to watch and she was now completely naked.

Raid: I’m sorry that this is film, guys.

Craeyst: I know. We could be incriminated for this sod’s perversion.

Raid: (reassuringly) We’ll burn it afterwards.

Isamu: Why not burn it now?

She sat on her bed and her legs were wide apart and she had a big dildo that
she drow up in her pussy.

Victor: (monotone) and this sentence couldn’t have been made more dry if it
had been written in sand.

Raid: And ‘drow’, what is this ‘drow’? I can’t associate that word with any
motion.

Craeyst: I would have used ‘plunged’, or ‘pushed’, of course. I would have
used a different woman, as well.

She drow it up and down for a minute or two, then she drow it faster and
faster and then she finally came.

Isamu: Yeah right! Only two minutes?

Craeyst: It is rather apparent that this writer’s women have been faking in
order to be rid of him.

Victor: I doubt he even has women.

Raid: Why do you guys talk about them plurally?

She then hid the dildo under her bed. Tenchi stopped looking and realized
that Sasami was sharing room with Aeka!

Raid: (notices Craeyst warming up his throat) Don’t sing, you guys.

Craeyst: But our powerful baritones are what carried us through year two at
Oxford.

Victor: It’s what the people pay for.

The keyhole was big so he could see Aekas bed too, but it was empty. Then he
heard someone walking up the stairs. He returned to his room and peeked
trhough

Raid: Spelling alert!

Isamu: Just keep that thing on for this whole damn thing.

Craeyst: I agree. We should draw people’s attention away from this author’s
pathetic grammar and instead redirect them to the atrocious content.

his keyhole to see who it was. It was Ryoko! She sneaked inside her room and
after rhat mihoshi came and sneaked inside her room.

Craeyst: If this infidel has dared to place his unworthy hands upon my
beloved golden Goddess he will be subject to the most cruel punishment that
the most sadistic part of my mind can create.

Victor: (to the others) You’d better pray that nothing bad befalls Mihoshi.
He tends to get a little fanatical about these sort of things.

Raid: (who had already scanned the fic)(under his breath, ) Oh Shit.

What the hell did they all do in the middle of the night?

Victor: Haagen-Daas.

Raid: Crossword puzzles.

Craeyst: Yahtzee.

Isamu: Each other.

(all glare at Isamu)

Tenchi was clueless so he walked back to his bed to sleep.

Isamu: I’ll agree to that. The boy is clueless.

Craeyst: Now now, let us not judge him harshly.

Isamu: I just don’t get it. Ryoko is stacked. Ayeka is refined. Kiyone is
practical. Mihoshi is easy. Washu is brilliant. And he doesn’t go for any of
them?

Victor: More for us, eh?



Next day

Craeyst: We went home.

Victor: You aren’t abandoning us, are you?

Craeyst: No, just wishful thinking.

Tenchi woke up around 10:20. He went down to the kitchen and everybody was
there eating breakfeast. They didn't act strange or anything, everything
were as it always had been,

Victor: Yes. It’s easy to ignore the completely normal occurrences of the
past night when everything is normal the next morning.

Sasami ate cereals quietly

Raid: How many cereals?

but When she saw Tenchi she started yappin about a lot of shit.

Craeyst: The man is most certainly getting on my nerves.

Isamu: He’s a big Sasami supporter?

Victor: Actually, he’s more of a Tsunami worshiper. A deep admiration of
Sasami just comes naturally to him.

Tenchi did'nt lissen, he was looking on Ryoko and Aeka as they were fighting
abouy wich one of them Tenchi likes the most, as usual.

Victor: (as bored Ryoko) No… he likes me.

Raid: (as bored Ayeka) No… me.

Mihoshi was starring at the TV,

Craeyst: I doubt that the author has the intelligence or the cultural
understanding to realize that he just made a very pathetic pun on poor
Mihoshi’s behalf.

Others: Huh?

Craeyst: Mihoshi’s name means ‘beautiful star’ in Japanese. It is such a
wonderful little tidbit to have about her.

Raid: (notices spelling error) ohhhh. Was that supposed to be funny?

Craeyst: …I don’t even know.

it was a rerun they show every morning,

Victor: A Dragon Ball Z channel, obviously.

Raid: Hey, I like that show.

Victor: How do you think I got to be this old? I waited for the Cell saga to
end, only to miss the last episode and have to watch the whole damn thing
over again to catch it.

Raid: Ouch.

but Mihoshi didn't care. Maybe she was thinking of something else.

Craeyst: (as Mihoshi) Why aren’t I as aggressive about getting Tenchi?

Raid: (also as Mihoshi) I know, I don’t want him.

Craeyst: I hope she’s looking for the mature, artistic type.

Raid: (to Victor) Does he even realize that we just did that, not her?

Victor: Probably not.

Isamu: The poor delusional fool.

Later that they,

Raid: What?

Victor: I don’t know either.

Isamu: There was supposed to be sex in this, wasn’t there?

Craeyst: That is odd. So far, all we’ve had is a poor description of
underaged masturbation,

Victor: So this is a rather inexperienced pervert?

Raid: It gets worse. Trust me.

Sasami suggested they'd go out and camp. Everybody was in for it. So they
decided they would go around 18.00 to the camping place

Raid: Somebody’s on military time.

Craeyst: Or is from the continent. The rest of the world uses a twenty-four
hour clock, too.

and stay there until the next day.

Aeka: Are we going to have or own tents or is everybody going to be in the
same?

Mihoshi: Waht does it matter?

Craeyst: My dear, in the context that this story is in, it could make all
the difference.

Aeka: Well there is someone I don't want to have in the same romm as me when
I sleep

Victor: Ayeka is concerned about her ROM. I never knew she was a techie.

Craeyst: You’re simply looking for an excuse to go and try to get involved
with her.

Victor: and you and Mihoshi?

Craeyst: Touché, old chap.

Ryoko: She doesn't like you Tenchi.

Aeka: I ment you, you stupid little slut! Aeka ran upstairs crying

Raid: Such language, Ayeka.

Isamu: I know, Ryoko is far from little.

Others: (facefault)

Ryoko: Cute, isn't she?

Victor: A pleasant statement coming from an archrival without sarcasm? I am
aghast.

Raid: Will wonders never cease?

Tenchi: Well, maybe we should have double tents so two persons fit each.
Sasami, will you share with Aeka? Sasami: Yep, Sasami share with Aeka!

Raid: Me Sasami! You, bad author

Tenchi: Mihoshi, you and Ryoko.

Mihoshi: Ok.

Ryoko: Why not you and me Tenchi.

Tenchi: Erg. I'll take the single tent.



Later

Craeyst: Goodbye.

As planned,

Craeyst: But the chap said ‘later’!

Victor: Still stuck on Toonami’s ending statement, eh Craeyst?

Craeyst: It worked for the block.

they left by 18:00, and after an hour of walking, they were finally there.
It was already dark and it took a while for them to set up the tents. Ryoko
made up fire with one finger, But since it's a magic finger, it's not so
hard.

Isamu: I got your magic finger right here.

Victor: Be careful with that! You might start a fire.

They sat around the fire for a while and ate Daikou misou soup. They were
really hungry after the long walk. By 23:30 they decided to sleep.

Raid: Ayeka’s guardians would have sent her to sleep long before that.

Tenchi couldn't sleep. He only thought about what the girls was doing last
night.

Craeyst: Yes. It was so completely mystifying how he could be the only
person awake at 3:00 AM.

Isamu: I don’t know. Watching Sasami masturbate was a fairly unforgettable
moment.

Victor: Not if you slam your head against something heavy afterwards.



He sneaked outside his tent and noticed that when the girls had a flash
light on in their tents, the tents was almost transparent! Since it was dark
outside and the flashlights was not so good, they couldn't see him. So he
lay down on the ground only 3 meters from Sasami and Aekas tent And 5 meters
from Mihoshi and Ryokos tent. He can see them all perfectly clear. Mihoshi
and Sasami leaves their tents and enter the other ones. So Aeka and Mihoshi
are in a tent and Sasami and Ryoko in the other.

(Craeyst crumples to the ground suddenly)

Raid: (Pulls a dart from Craeyst’s neck) I did that for a good reason.

Victor: (raises hand) You know, I can get pretty angry when I see whatever
is about to happen to. Knock me out, will you.

Tenchi is surprised when he sees that Mihoshi is taking her clothes of so
that she only have her panties on.

Isamu: Even now, that’s something worth seeing.

Victor: Boy, don’t ask for what you may receive.

Others (minus Craeyst): Huh?

Aeka does that too.

Isamu: Good. All is going according to schedule.

Victor (as drill sergeant) : At 1800 you will be at the campsite. At 2330
you will be in you tents. At 2400 you will participate in a poorly written
yuri sex scene. Do I make myself clear?!

Raid: Sir! Yes Sir!

Tenchis cook rises when he sees Aekas sexy breasts.

Isamu (as Emeril Lagasse) Bam!

The two girls lies down in Aekas bed and starts to hug each other,

Victor (as Mihoshi): Oh Ayeka, I don’t really want to do this to you.

Raid (as Ayeka): I understand, it’s all just some horrible author’s sick
fantasy.

then they starts to kiss each other all over and Mihoshi licks Aekas
breasts, she seems to like them too.

Victor: Who wouldn’t?

Isamu: She’s flat.

Victor: Is not.

Isamu: Is to!

Victor: Night before Carnival. Ayeka and Ryoko in the onsen. They were even
in size.

Raid: We have a winner.

Aeka stands up and takes of her panties. Techi can only see her beautiful
ass now.

Raid: I thought they were in a tent.

Victor: Probably a transparent tent.

Isamu: Yeah, they got it from the same place where Ryoko got the magic
finger.

Aeka lies down and Mihoshi is licking Aekas pussy hard.

Isamu (as Ayeka): Ouch! Not so hard!

Victor: Lad, that was not at all in good taste.

Raid: But it was funny, sort of.

She wants to moan but then she knows the tents aren't so sound proof.

Victor: Okay, the tents aren’t soundproof, are transparent, and only hold
two people. How much did they pay for those?

Raid: Probably a number on par with the author’s IQ.

Oh I'm coming Mihoshi, she whispers. I'm coming! Oh yeah! Oh!!!!!!!

Isamu: Okay, I’m confused now.

Victor: How come?

Isamu: Up until this point, the author was using script style for the
dialogue. Now he isn’t. What gives?

Raid: It’s a lemon author, does it really need an explanation?

(as a side note, the gentlemen and Raid aboard the Alpha Strike battle
cruiser Raid realize that there are many finely written lemons out there and
have a great deal of respect for those authors, please do not be offended)

Aeka cms in Mihoshis face.

Victor: Look, the metric system!

Isamu: In Mihoshi’s face no less!

Now Aeka is finger-fucking Mihoshis shiny little pussy.

(Craeyst’s innate sense of Mihoshi bashing detection awakens him from his
unconscious state, he jumps to his feet, rapier drawn)

Craeyst: The bloody HELL!

Raid: Oh shit.

Craeyst: THE COMPLETE AND UTTER INANITY OF THAT DESCRIPTION OF HER ANATOMY
SICKENS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Raid raises a shield around the rest of the MST’ers, who are more or less
cowering in fear)

Craeyst: SHADOWX, FROM THE DEEPEST PITS OF HELL I CONDEMN THEE TO ETERNAL
DAMNATION!

(ShadowX, wherever he is, suddenly finds himself swarmed by beings of such a
foul nature, of such cruel and devious intent, that men break down in tears
at the very mention of their name: Rosie O’Donnell)

Victor: Craeyst, how do you feel?

Craeyst: I need a drink. Summoning Rosie O’Donnell is a tiring task.

Raid (lowers shield and hands Craeyst a bottle of Scotch): I’m glad that’s
over.

Isamu: Unfortunately, there’s still more fic left.

Everyone except Craeyst:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(deep breath)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mihoshi cant hold out for so long so she cms too.

Raid (as Ayeka): your really into the metric system aren’t you???

Isamu: To think girls get off when talking about measurements.

Tenchi returns to his tent. He can see that Sasami and Ryoko is talking

Raid: bad…grammar…killing…braincell…s…

Craeyst: I warned him not to put much stock into grammar.

Victor: Who cares, want an ice cold Molson, eh?

and that Ryoko leaves the tent. She's approaching Tenchis tent!

Isamu (as Tenchi): Gee I wonder what she wants

Raid: Do you really need to do that?

Victor (downing Molson): Take off.

Craeyst (downs a Molson and begins to slip into a quasi-Canadian accent
himself) :You hosehead.

Raid: HUH???????

He pretends to sleep when Ryoko enters his tent uninvited. "Tenchi! Did you
like what you saw in Aekas tent?"

Raid (as Tenchi): Ya got that right Bitch.

Isamu (also as Tenchi): Nothing my dad didn't have on videotape already.

"Snooore" "I know you're awake Tenchi. She sits behind him and starts to
take off her clothes.

Raid and Isamu: TAKE IT OFF. TAKE IT OFF.

Craeyst: Honestly, after having her aboard the last time, I've no need to
see her nude again.

Others: (facefault)

When she's fully naked, she lay down next to him and starts to kiss his
neck. What are you doing Ryoko!?

Victor: As if he really needs to ask.

Isamu: Actually, I think he does.

I knew you were awake Tenchi. Come on! I know you want to! Oh Alright!

Isamu: Ok I’m lost who’s talking now.

Raid: Tenchi. He seems to have grown a backbone.

Victor: Watch as we turn this indecisive coward into a bold, hot-blooded
lover thanks to Insta-Spine!

Craeyst: Insta-Spine not available at all. Do not check stores or call any
number. With six you get egg rolls.

Hmm! Your dick is hard!

Isamu: What happened to the cook??

Raid: Plot hole?

(a cook walks in, pushing a cart that has a rather large duck l'orange with
roasted red potatoes on the side, and stops along side Craeyst. Craeyst
smiles, nods, and slips a hundred-franc bank note into the cook's pocket.
The cook bows and walks away)

Others: Huh???

Craeyst: Well, he came rather highly recommended.

So you did like what you saw!

Tenchi (red face): Umm.

Ryoko: Come on! Show me what you got

Raid: OK now he’s back to script. What’s with this guy?

Victor: A lack of higher brain functions is all that stands between this
writer and greatness.

She undresses him in a second and starts to ride him. She slides up and
down, back and forward slowly He's grabbing her ass now and squeezes it with
his hands

Raid: That has got to hurt!

Isamu: Is it just me, or does that sound like horse racing commentary?

as she rides faster and faster. Oh TENCHI! OH, OH, OH! She's riding him as
fast as she can now!

Isamu: Ride em cowgirl. Ya Ya!!!

Victor: That ties in rather well with the horse racing comment.

Tenchi feels his gonna cum soon and ryoko sees that on his face. So she
stops and starts to suck his big cook instead.

Isamu: Hey there’s that cook again.

Raid: I thought I put him out an air lock.

Craeyst: Perhaps... perhaps he is a single soldier in an army of chefs
awaiting their chance to prove their worth on the culinary battlefield.

Victor: Perhaps you've been watching Iron Chef too much.

It doesn't take long before he cums and Ryoko seems happy. She returns to
her tent and Tenchi falls asleep, with a smile on his face.

Raid: He fell asleep with Ryoko still near bye? Man I would have at least
tried for a round two.

Craeyst: From what little I experienced of Miss Ryoko, she is a rather,
shall we say, 'energetic' woman. I'd be exhausted myself.

Isamu: Ok how did you get her in bed when she only wants Tenchi??

Craeyst: I never said that we were involved.

Victor: Vincent developed a very handy device for us back in college. It
automatically downloads into our minds a woman's tendencies, desires, and
fantasies.

Craeyst: Would you believe Ryoko is actually rather bashful in her
fantasies?

Raid: Ok where is it so I can make copies for everyone?

Victor: Sorry, patent pending.

Man its really hard to write these lemons,

Raid: Only Craeyst here knows anything about that.

Craeyst: There is a difference between writing erotica and filth.

Isamu: That’s what Noboyuki calles it too.

Raid: How the hell do you know that?????????

Victor (to Raid): Remember? The otaku knoweledge download?

Raid: Damn, I knew I gave him too much data.

this was my first and I don't know if it was good,

Raid: Nope not a chance.

Craeyst (slightly annoyed): A tip for all of you out there who've never
written a bloody thing in your life... STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MIHOSHI YURI
SCENES!!!!

If you think it was good, won't you please mail me with your comments?

All: ………………………No comment!

Craeyst: I have comments, but I can't repeat them in front of living
creatures.

This is my story and I wrote it, if you copy it and sell it for profit or
get any credits for it I'll sue you.

Vincent: Hey Craeyst, remember that law degree I picked up on a bet five
years ago.

Craeyst: I know, I know, you could wax him in court.

And if that doesn't work I'll kick your ass!

Raid: HA. (powers up weapons) I’d love to see you try.

Craeyst (draws rapier): You dast challenge me?

Victor (breaks Molson bottle on armrest): C'mon, you hoser.

Isamu: (sits and pouts) I want my Valkrie…..sob.

Craeyst: A missile would be too good for this swine.



With the MST over, the crew stepped outside of the theater. Needless to say,
they were less than happy. Thus, they congregated in the lounge, to be
soothed by the ship’s moral support, Princess Relena.

Relena: Are you all right now?

Craeyst (rubbing forehead): If only, my dear, if only.

Raid: I’m not sure why we do this. It wasn’t so much a bad fic as it was
poorly written.

Victor (shaking his head and downing a Molson): No, it was a bad fic. Ayeka
and Mihoshi, involved?

Isamu: Then factor in that whole Sasami scene. (shudders)

Raid: You have a point.

Craeyst: It wasn’t simply the content, either. It was disjointed,
incomprehensible, and had plot holes you could drive a 1958 Buick Roadmaster
through.

Victor: By the way, Vincent almost has the Buick restored. He had a bit of
trouble finding new cylinder heads.

Raid: If he needs those then I could replicate them for him.

(Craeyst and Victor exchange looks and laugh)

Craeyst: That isn’t the point.

Relena: In any case, gentlemen, I hope you don’t intend to drink away the
memory of this fic.

Victor (looks up from his Coleman cooler): What, change in company policy? I
object!

Relena: I won’t have any of you inebriated. You could be a bad influence on
our guests.

Raid: I can’t drink, why are you worried about me?

Craeyst: We Englishman have a quite high tolerance for alcohol. I’m not a
problem.

Victor (popping the cap on a fresh Molson): I’m Canadian. ‘Nuff said.

Relena (sighs): Fine, just promise me you won’t go overboard.

And now for Relena’s questions.

(the segment of the MST where Princess Relena sits down with our intrepid
fellows and allows them to vent their frustration in the hope of keeping
them mentally sound)

[Craeyst]

Relena: Craeyst, what did you think of the fic?

Craeyst (clears throat): If I had anything at all pleasant to say about this
literary travesty, I would say it. However, there is nothing worthwhile
here. The plot is laughable, bordering on complete nonsense. The author has
no idea as to what he is writing about. And I can never forgive him for that
pathetic yuri scene involving Ayeka and Mihoshi.

Relena: I see. You seem to have weathered it rather nicely, Mister Raygal.
You may leave now.

[Victor]

Victor: I still don’t see why you want to take away my Molsons.

Relena: Another time, please, Mister Dementile.

Victor: That’s Doctor Dementile.

Relena: Fine then, Doctor. What did you think?

Victor: It was poorly written, pathetically worded, and made no sense. But
at least it was offensive and vulgar.

Relena: Your words drip with sarcasm, Doctor.

Victor: Beauty.

[Raid]

Raid: Why is this necessary?

Relena: It fills up a few more pages.

Raid: Oh.

Relena: Anyway, what did you think?

Raid: I would never suggest it to anyone.

Relena: Care to elaborate?

Raid: Let’s just say… No.

Relena: Are you sure?

Raid: Yes.

Relena: Fine then, send in Mister Dyson.

[Isamu]

Isamu: Why the hell did you people drag me here to watch that?

Relena: Was it that bad?

Isamu: Almost as bad as Gould’s karaoke.

Relena: I see.

Isamu: Yeah, I mean, I’ve watched some pretty wild pornos in my time. But
that was just plain sick.

Relena: I understand that.

Isamu (becoming more irritated): I mean, that was just plain wrong. Sasami…
(eye twitch) with a… a… a… HOLY
(!^$!@^$(!^$()@!^$)&@)^!$)$^)#@^$)!#^$)!@^$)!^$)^!)$%)^#%)($%!#^%$@#%$(!@@#^)!@^$)!^)&$#@^((%&^&^^*&^^%$%$#*^^(*^%%&^*!

Relena: I believe you may need some rest. Mister Dyson, I remand you to the
custody of our professional staff of MST crew recovery aides.

( a group of Washu bots in nurse outfits walk into the room and escort Isamu
out)

Relena: One fic and already one of them is crazy. How many more must suffer
before the authors of the world realize they must improve.



The End.



Or is it?

It probably is.





Yep. It’s the end.



Why are you still reading this?

Go away.

Stop it!



Email us with your comments. Have a nice day.

Heero: Omae o korosu.