DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. Smolken belongs perhaps to Roger Corman, Zap Rowsdower belongs to a guy who comes from a long line of great anuses, and Garlic Junior belongs to the evil forces behind Dragonball Z. Washu and all the Tenchi Muyo! characters in the fic being MSTd belong to Pioneer/AIC. The Garlic Press is a ripoff of King Siva's Crushing Press from Dragon Half, which I'm sure belongs to somebody else as well, but I'm too lazy to do my research. INTRODUCTION: Based on the growth in Tenchi's courage when faced with powerful villains and nasty situations, Washu developed a hypothesis that exposure to really terrible fanfics could cause Tenchi to grow a pair of balls. Some preliminary calculations indicated that in order to test the hypothesis fully, she needed to subject a wide range of personalities to said fanfics: a hero, a madman and a demon. These did not take long to find. In order to have a small and relatively easy-to-manage demon, she offered Garlic Junior a sort of work-release program from his eternal prison (the terms, unluckily for him, include a prohibition on killing, enslaving or physically harming the other MSTers, and will be enforced by Washu's tentacle monster). The madman is the digger Smolken, and the hero is Canada's greatest, Zap Rowsdower. Washu tricked these two into losing bets with her (something to do with the relative durability of carrots and skulls), then used her dimensional transporter to bring all three to her lab. A simple explanation, but simple ones are often best... Having thus begun, Project Corpseflower's experiments now continue with "Tenchi's Loneliness" by Rick "Hackeyman" Schain. THE CAST will be introduced by puppets: Washu Washu puppet A: She is Washu! Washu puppet B: She is a genius! Washu puppet A: She is the greatest! Washu puppet B: She is the cutest! Washu puppets: Hooray for Washu! Zap Rowsdower (ZR) Rowsdower puppet A: He is filthy! Rowsdower puppet B: He is a drunk! Rowsdower puppet A: He used to be a lawyer! Rowsdower puppet B: He is a nice person! Rowsdower puppets: Hooray for Rowsdower! Garlic Junior (GJ) Garlic Junior puppet A: He is evil! Garlic Junior puppet B: He is a demon! Garlic Junior puppet A: He is a wannabe Kami! Garlic Junior puppet B: He is on a work-release program! Garlic Junior puppets: Hooray for Garlic Junior! the digger Smolken (DS) Smolken puppet A: He is mad! Smolken puppet B: He does not know whether he is mad, for he is mad! Smolken puppet A: If he is so mad, then how does he know that he does not know? Smolken puppet B: I do not know, for I also am mad! Smolken puppets: We cannot know whether Smolken deserves a hooray, for we are mad! [in Washu's laboratory, the cast is seated around a small table near the theater doors] Washu: I see these Smolken puppets are going to take some more work. No matter, though - today's experiment will be a short one. ZR: Not Alienboy, I hope... Washu: No. I'm saving those for later. This one is by Rick Schain. ZR: When you get to the Alienboy fics, can I call in sick? Washu: No. DS: Can I call in dead? Washu: Erm, no. GJ: Can I watch them twice? Washu: We'll see. But shouldn't you guys be taking this one fic at a time? Worry about today's! ZR: What is it, anyway? Washu: "Tenchi's Loneliness". ZR: Doesn't sound too terrible. Washu: You'll see... you'll see... bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Now into the theater! Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! (Washu places metal discs on the MSTers foreheads, they enter the theater, she locks the doors and begins tweaking knobs on some huge machine.) Disclaimer: This Fanfic contains Adult content so it's recommend that your 18. GJ (Rick Schain): And I'll start the disclaimer with grammatical errors, just because I feel like it. If you aren't 18 then you probably won't understand it anyway ZR (Rick Schain): Hell, I'm twelve, and I have no idea what I'm writing about, as you'll soon see. and if you can't read you'll have an even harder time. DS: Is he trying to be funny? GJ: If he tries, he will fail. If he does not try, he will be. ZR: That's so Zen. Also, I do not own Tenchi Muyo or anything related so please don't sue my ass! All I have is an old skateboard, a cheap computer, and a hacky sack that beads are falling out of. (All the MSTers gasp in horror) DS: O terrors horriful and foul! GJ: A hacky sack! ZR: Writing idiotic porn about cartoons is one thing, but owning a hacky sack is unforgivable! It's not like you'll sue me anyway. Sorry but I don't have e-mail, but feel free to write to me at: Rick Schain 2033 Stonehaven Dr. Corona, CA 92879 DS: To all our readers who are, right now, on their way to that address in Corona to kick Rick's ass for owning a hacky sack, please don't. ZR: What? You're against violence towards morons? DS: No... even he was so stupid as to publically announce where he lives, he would have been forced to move a long time ago. GJ: Good point. He probably had a lot of unexpected "visitors" looking to break his kneecaps. ZR: It figures he'd be Californian, though. I'm getting an image of an unwashed whiny hippie wuss. He looks tan, but in fact he's just filthy. DS: What? ZR: Well, that's the only sort of people that own hacky sacks. Ever seen a neo-Nazi playing hacky sack? DS: No... good point. It all started one day, hold on, it might have been the day after that, wait, who cares it doesn't matter. GJ: For that matter, who cares about any of your crap? ZR: Rest assured that none of us do. Back to the story. DS: There's no story to be back to yet, is there? ZR: So what? I doubt there will be much "story" at all anyway. Tenchi woke up on his own today. GJ: ...but not on the day after one day, which is when the story is actually taking place. Which was a shock to him. TENCHI: Wow! What a nice sleep, wait a minute, no one woke me up. ZR: Script format... this is gonna be bad. Real bad. DS: Aren't we in script format? GJ: Yes, but hypocrisy is fun! DS: And the first line is already hideously out-of-character. I don't recall Tenchi ever waking up and saying "Wow!" outloud. He looked at his alarm clock (which he doesn't set cause Ryoko always wakes him up) TENCHI: OH MY GOD! It's already 11:30! ZR (Tenchi): Crap! I was supposed to be fighting Kagato at 7:30! He was surprised at how quiet it was. He walks outside his room to find Sasami walking down the hall. DS: Oh, I see now. This is two parallel stories - one in present tense set the day after one day, and the other flashbacks in past tense set today. So in the flashback, he was surprised, but the day after one day he walks outside of his room. ZR: Don't try to make sense of this... just write it off as bad grammar. TENCHI: Hey Sasami! ZR (Sasami): Sieg Heil! GJ: WHAT? ZR: I'm trying to be as out-of-character as the rest of this garbage. SASAMI: Oh, hey Tenchi! GJ (Sasami): Why didn't you come down for breakfast? That must mean you don't like my cooking! And that means you hate me! Waaaaaah! TENCHI: Not that I'm complaining, but... ZR (Tenchi): ...I am a wuss with no balls. SASAMI: Yes Tenchi? GJ (Sasami): Yes, you are a wuss! TENCHI: Why is it so quiet this mourning? DS (Sasami): That's the idea. Mourning is supposed to be quiet, contemplative, and a time we all take to reflect and think about RAT COFFIN FILTH CORPSE! ZR: WHAT? GJ: Well, he's the gravedigger. I guess he's the expert on these matters. SASAMI: I don't know but Ryoko and Akeka weren't fighting at all today. GJ: A... keka? ZR: A typo... In fact, I think they're playing tennis outside (if you're asking when they got a tennis court, Washu built it a couple days ago, anyway it's my story and they get to have whatever the fuck I want). DS (Tenchi): Sasami! What shocking language! And since when is this your story? ZR: Uh, I think the part in parentheses is the author. Tenchi couldn't believe this so he went outside to check it out for himself. There he finds Ryoko and Akeka playing tennis just like Sasami said. ZR: OK, so "Akeka" is not a typo. GJ: How the fucking hell can you ever get the idea that there's an extra k in Ayeka? DS: Perhaps he's never seen the show, only read a few bad lemons. GJ: He probably only watches South Park and porn. ZR: And professional hacky sack tournaments. TENCHI: Wow, you guys are being nice to each other! AKEKA: Yes, we solved are differences. DS (Ayeka): Yes, we who are solved are also, indeed, differences. In fact, everyone who is solved is a difference. ZR: I can't tell whether that sounds like really terrible math or new age psychobabble. GJ: Given that our author owns a hacky sack, probably the latter. RYOKO: Yeah, we figured neither one of us is going to get you to put out any time soon. GJ: That is not only hideously out of character, it's also against one of the most basic rules of anime. ZR: Which is? GJ: The clueless shall never figure anything out. Look at everyone that still thinks Ranma-san and Ranma-chan are different people, or who doesn't realize that Pretty Samy is Sasami. Now we don't have anything to fight about. ZR (Ryoko): ...except Ayeka being a prissy, stuck-up princess. GJ (Ayeka): Or Ryoko being lazy and never doing her chores! ZR (Ryoko): Or Ayeka's bitchiness! GJ (Ayeka): Or Ryoko being an evil demon space pirate! ZR (Ryoko): Or Ayeka's flat chest! GJ (Ayeka): Or Ryoko being a slut! Ryoko and Akeka start giggling. DS: ...like they're happily plotting a horrible fate, far worse than death, for Rick Schain. TENCHI: Wow...ok bye. ZR (Tenchi): Everybody's gone insane! I'm leaving this crappy fic! He almost felt a sort of relief at first. ZR (Tenchi, relieved): Ahhhhh... DS: ...then he realized he had just relieved himself in his pants. So he decided to take a walk. ZR: ...to a far, far away land where Rick Schain doesn't write fics. Just down the way he saw Yosho and Noboyuki playing hacky sack. GJ (Tenchi): Fucking whiny liberals! Get a haircut, you damn hippie! His new found boredom made him decide to try to play this hacky sack game DS: Something terrible must have happened to him! He's turning into a hacky sack playing hippie! ZR (Tenchi): Blow the lid off the oppressive media conspiracy! Blah blah Noam Chomsky blah blah blah fuck the police blah blah Karl Marx blah blah blah blah blah blah blah hemp hemp hempitty hemp! (I know that they never played hacky sack on the show before but this isn't the show). ZR: We know this isn't the show. It's very obvious that this is a steaming pile of yak dung. GJ: Which the author probably used to masturbate with. (Rowsdower and Smolken laugh) GJ: What? No Garlic Press? ZR: Nah. Too funny! DS: You are likely right. Because this is in the lemon section, the author likely did use writing this fic as an opportunity to masturbate. It clearly is a steaming pile of yak dung. Therefore, it is very likely that Rick Schain masturbates with steaming piles of yak dung, at least in a figurative sense. TENCHI: Hey guys! DS (Yosho): You will address your elders properly, foolish boy! YOSHO: Hey Tenchi, join the HACK! (Rowsdower gasps in shock) GJ: That was quite possibly the single most out-of-character line ever written. Yosho kicks it over to Tenchi. Tenchi tries to kick it to Noboyuki but instead he kicks it into the muddy marsh that was nearby. GJ: What kind of moron would play hacky sack by a muddy marsh? ZR: Rick Schain, probably. I bet he kicks it in the swamp to him a lot and that causes him great suffering. YOSHO: God damn it Tenchi! That was our only hacky sack! ZR: Shinto priest says "God damn it" - now that's newsworthy. NOBOYUKI: Good going dumb ass! Let's go Dad. DS: Let's hope they're not going off to have sex. As they walk away Noboyuki punches Tenchi right in the face. ZR: I can see this hacky sack landing in the marsh brings the author's painful memories back, and he feels the need to take his frustrations out on Tenchi. GJ: Noboyuki's combat training does finally come in handy, though. I mean, he must be good if Tenchi could dodge or block that blow. DS: He's Raditz, remember? GJ: Oh, right. I remember. And Mihoshi is a man, too, according to that particular author. TENCHI: OWWW! Damn it! I miss the girls fighting over me. I'm so bored. DS (Tenchi): I'm so out-of-character! Maybe, they like me, and this is all just a trick! I know what I'll do! ZR: Let's hope it doesn't involve sex with Sasami. Tenchi goes inside and hears Ryoko in the shower. ZR: And... since when does this traditional Japanese house have a shower? DS: I do not know, for I am mad! GJ: I don't know, either, but I'm hoping this turns into "Psycho"! TENCHI: Perfect. (Smolken makes strange, inarticulare screaming noises.) ZR: What the fuck? DS: I'm trying to sing the shower scene music from "Psycho". ZR: Well, you're failing miserably, so please stop. GJ: Actually, that was pretty good, I thought. Tenchi goes inside the bathroom. He strips completely naked and jumps in the shower. GJ: OK, so it won't turn into "Psycho"... RYOKO: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TENCHI! DS (Tenchi): I am jumping in the shower naked. ZR (Tenchi): I just saw this fancy American "shower" invention and couldn't resist! But before she could finish the sentence Tenchi's small dick was already inside of her. GJ (Ryoko): OK, so maybe this "neither one of us is going to get you to put out anytime soon" thing wasn't quite right. RYOKO: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE! ZR (Tenchi): Wait a sec. You're supposed to scream "YEEEEEEESSSS!" TENCHI: Shut up bitch! I know you like it! GJ (Ryoko): Well, I would, but seeing how small your dick is, I've changed my mind. I think I'll go for Noboyuki! Ayeka heard this and called 911. DS: At least it's not "Akeka". Maybe that was a different person? AYEKA: My friend is getting raped right now! GJ (Ayeka): And by Tenchi! I'm jealous! Ok, you're on your way, thanks. ZR (911 operator): Of course, it'll take our emergency team until tomorrow to reach Japan. You may want to call an emergency number in your own country. Ryoko tried to fight back but Tenchi was too strong. GJ: Yeah, right. Whichever continuity this is, she's much stronger. A few minutes later police ZR: ...who were needed because between all the powerful aliens living in the house couldn't handle Tenchi... knocked down the door of the bathroom just as Tenchi was cumming. GJ: Now wait... shouldn't knocking the door down lead them to the men's bath, which is presumably not where Ryoko was showering? DS: I don't think so... there's no shower in the women's bath, anyway. I do not know in what "bathroom" all this is set, but then again I am mad! The police grabbed him and threw him on the hard tile floor and started hitting him with nightsticks. ZR: Yeah... the author's starting to seem more and more like a Californian hippie leftist. GJ (Rick Schain): I hate cops, history is evil and Bill Clinton is a right-wing extremist! I like marijuana and hacky sacks! OFFICER1: You sick son of a BITCH! Take this! TENCHI: RODNEY KING! DS (Officer 2): What? What's a rodney king? ZR (Officer 1): I think I've heard about that guy... isn't he an American? OFFICER2: SHUT UP PERV! I'll probably get a medal or something for this! After a good hour or so of beating, ZR: Ah, nothing like a good hour of beating. I highly recommend that Rick Schain take at least one of those every day. DS: Whoever gives it to him certainly deserves a medal. the officers finally took him to prison for rape and possession of Marijuana (that was actually Yosho's). GJ (Rick Schain): So legalize it! Cause then I can get it cheaper! They didn't bother giving him a trial they took him straight to a federal pound me in the ass prison. ZR: And Rick finally gets around to revealing his ultimate sexual fantasy. His term is life and every night his big black cell mate does him up the ass with his 12 inch nigga cock. DS: Hmmm... how many big black inmates are there in Japanese prisons? GJ: I'm beginning to think the author thinks that Tenchi is set in America. ZR: I'm beginning to think the author needs to lay off the weed. THE END DS: Short and stupid. ZR: Very stupid. GJ: But what else do you expect from a hacky sack owning hemp fairy? (The screen fades to black, the doors click open, and the MSTers exit the theater.) (Outside the theater) Washu: That was such a short fic, we won't bother with a long ending scene, either. But do you have any advice for the author? ZR: Yes. Do not use a condom when masturbating with yak dung. It'll make catching some horrible genital disease easier. DS: Use some exploding suppositories. Preferably, several at once. GJ: Die die die die die die die die die die die die DIE! Washu: Thank you. That is all excellent advice for Mr. Schain. But was this fic really so painful that he deserves it? ZR: No, it was too short and stupid to be anything other than slightly boring. DS: But he does own a hacky sack. Washu: Ah. I see. That certainly justifies it. Well, I've got readings to analyze, so until we next MST... goodbye! (Washu types something on her holo-laptop, and the MSTers vanish into thin air, off to NOT play hacky sack in their respective realities...) So, Washu's third experiment is complete... time for author's notes. Direct any ire, comments or raven skulls to smolken@spacemoose.com. I don't really hate or mean harm towards all hacky sack players, but they do look like hippies to me, and as such are worthy of mockery. Thanks to countless MSTers (especially Peter Suzuki, Bob and Jerry, Loden Taylor, Ksawarrior, Cyrus "Rowsdower" Marriner and Shane Insane) for inspiration. And now, your moment of Zen: YOSHO: Hey Tenchi, join the HACK!