Project Corpseflower MST #2: "Nobuyuki's Secret" DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. Smolken belongs perhaps to Roger Corman, Zap Rowsdower belongs to a guy who comes from a long line of great anuses, and Garlic Junior belongs to the evil forces behind Dragonball Z. Washu and all the Tenchi Muyo! characters in the fic being MSTd belong to Pioneer/AIC. The Garlic Press is a ripoff of King Siva's Crushing Press from Dragon Half, which I'm sure belongs to somebody else as well. INTRODUCTION: Based on the growth in Tenchi's courage when faced with powerful villains and nasty situations, Washu developed a hypothesis that exposure to really terrible fanfics could cause Tenchi to grow a pair of balls. Some preliminary calculations indicated that in order to test the hypothesis fully, she needed to subject a wide range of personalities to said fanfics: a hero, a madman and a demon. These did not take long to find. In order to have a small and relatively easy-to-manage demon, she offered Garlic Junior a sort of work-release program from his eternal prison (the terms, unluckily for him, include a prohibition on killing, enslaving or physically harming the other MSTers, and will be enforced by Washu's tentacle monster). The madman is the digger Smolken, and the hero is Canada's greatest, Zap Rowsdower. Washu tricked these two into losing bets with her (something to do with the relative durability of carrots and skulls), then used her dimensional transporter to bring all three to her lab. A simple explanation, but simple ones are often best... Thus, Project Corpseflower's experiments continue with "Nobuyuki's Secret" by a certain Mr. Sinister. THE CAST will be introduced by puppets: Washu Washu puppet A: She is Washu! Washu puppet B: She is a genius! Washu puppet A: She is the greatest! Washu puppet B: She is the cutest! Washu puppets: Hooray for Washu! Zap Rowsdower (ZR) Rowsdower puppet A: He is filthy! Rowsdower puppet B: He is a drunk! Rowsdower puppet A: He used to be a lawyer! Rowsdower puppet B: He is a nice person! Rowsdower puppets: Hooray for Rowsdower! Garlic Junior (GJ) Garlic Junior puppet A: He is evil! Garlic Junior puppet B: He is a demon! Garlic Junior puppet A: He is a wannabe Kami! Garlic Junior puppet B: He is on a work-release program! Garlic Junior puppets: Hooray for Garlic Junior! the digger Smolken (DS) Smolken puppet A: Rat! Smolken puppet B: Coffin! Smolken puppet A: Filth! Smolken puppet B: Corpse! Smolken puppets: Death! [in Washu's laboratory, the cast is seated around a small table near the theater doors] Washu: I think Smolken's puppets need a little adjustment... they have too much of his personality in them. That is not important right now, though. I have another fic for you to MST, and I also have the Garlic Press ready. ZR: I'm looking forward to this... GJ: I'm not! DS: I do not know, for I am mad! ZR: How does it work? Washu: It is a non-lethal hentai stun device in the form of a large block of stone. You two have to yell "GARLIC PRESS!" and pull these ropes which will mysteriously appear when they are needed. Both of you have to do it at the same time, to keep the Garlic Press from being overused. DS: Can we try it now? Washu: Certainly, but I must warn you - I need to have good readings from Garlic Junior, so if you two whack him on the head too much, I'll have to run some other experiments on you as punishment. ZR: OK... well, let's try it! ZR and DS (pulling ropes): GARLIC PRESS! (A huge block of stone with the words "YE OLDE GARLIC PRESS" drops from the ceiling on Garlic Junior's head.) GJ (from beneath the stone): I hate all of you. But probably not equally. Washu: That works, so into the theater, you three! ZR: Can we test it more thoroughly? Washu: No. It's time for today's MST experiment. (Garlic Junior grumbles and squeezes out from beneath the stone block, Washu places metal discs on the MSTers foreheads, they enter the theater and she locks them in.) Hey this is my first lemon. GJ: Ah, first lemons... so tender, juicy, easy to rip into... Please enjoy. Ohh and I dont own any of that copy right junk, BLAH BLAH ZR: Translation: don't sue. GJ: Just smash his teeth and shove the pieces up his urinary tract instead. ZR: Was that really called for? DS: I suspect very soon we will see that it was. Nobuyuki's Secret. DS: Is he? ZR: If he's supposed to be secret, they're not concealing him very well. By Mr. Sinister ZR: Well, it rhymes, but it's not very original. GJ: Perhaps he should change it to Mr. Canister. This takes place after the girls hear about Tenchi's new girlfriend in Tokyo ZR: AARRGH! SHIN TENCHI CONTINUITY! GJ: A note to all you intentionally bad authors out there: all you have to do to annoy most readers is imply Shin Tench continuity. Have Ryo-Ohki turn into a giant robot, or just say "dimensional tunnel". ZR: AARGH! DON'T SAY THAT! GJ: See? DS: But don't kill Sakuya. If you do, at least half the previously annoyed Shin-Tenchi-haters will cheer instead. and they want to visit him, but they need to get money so they are trying to steal Nobuyuki's money. DS: Let's recap: they need money, to have money they need to get money, to get the money they are trying to steal money, the money they are trying to steal is Noboyuki's money, which being Noboyuki's money is money which belongs to Noboyuki, so they are trying to steal Noboyuki's money from Noboyuki who has Noboyuki's money, which being Noboyuki's money belongs to Noboyuki. ZR: Thank you. You're more annoying than the author. The scene is the living room. "WHERE IS IT??!!" Ryoko screamed into Nobuyuki's ear. DS: Did Mr. Sinister see the episode in question? Ryoko was not interested in finding the money or taking a train to Tokyo, because she could fly there anytime she wanted. ZR (Mr. Sinister): Continuity is for the weak and stupid! I am above such foolish things as continuity! "Where is what? Replied Nobuyuki DS (Ryoko): Your missing quotation mark. "THE MONEY" Said Royko "Please tell us where it is, we want to see Tenchi" said Sesami GJ (Sasami): Don't call me Sesami! I'm turning evil and changing my name to Susami! "Yeah and we want to see him with Sakua. Tenchi belongs to me, and only me" said Ryoko quietly DS: Doesn't he belong to Pioneer and AIC? ZR: Well, he may, but don't tell Ryoko that... she wouldn't handle the news very well. "Look I'm getting sick and tired of you girls always taking my money. ZR: Right. How often do they take it, exactly? IT'S MINE. If you want to see Tenchi go get a job and make your own money. I work day and ......" Nobuyuki suddenly stopped while he felt a hard fist into his stomach coming from Ryoko. DS (Noboyuki): Hold on here. I have a fist to feel... this is gonna take a while. ZR: Perhaps the author meant "when", not "while". "No why did you do that?" Mehoshi said looking really worried. DS (Kiyone): Yes why didn't you do that? GJ (Ryoko): Maybe why did I didn't that? ZR (Ayeka): No eh why is we all talkin like idiots huh? She had one tear coming from her left eye while she ran and grabbed Nobuyuki before he fell to the floor. "That was a bit harsh, but it was acceptable. Since we do need the money to see Lord Tenchi" Aeka said, with her snotty nose up high. ZR (Ryoko): Let me wipe that snot off for you. "Yeah please let us have the money to see Tenchi, we only care for him" Kyone said with a little worried look on her. ZR (Sasami): Hey, did you know there's a little worried look sitting on your shoulder? "And if you don't give us the money I can use you as a ginney pig" DS (Noboyuki): But I hate gin! I can't stand the smell of juniper berries. Washu said with an evil grin on her face. DS: That would be Washu, who also had no interest in finding the money. ZR: What I wouldn't give for a little continuity right now... GJ (Mr. Sinister as the continuity Nazi): No continuity for you! "THATS IT!!! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU GIRLS. I ACCEPTED YOU ALL TO LIVE IN MY HOUSE BUT THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME. BY BEATING ME !!!!" Nobuyuki said extremely angry. GJ (Noboyuki): And you don't even let me peep! "What are you gonna do about it?? Hahaha old man your only human, ZR: What about his only human? And why does he have a human, anyway? DS: He shouldn't - I thought slavery was outlawed in Japan. NOW GIVE US THE MONEY" Ryoko said, clenching her right fist together. "GET OUT NOW, LEAVE OR ELSE......" bam another punch right into Nobuyuki's stomach. Blood came out of his mouth and nose. DS: Yes, bad grammar can cause severe injury. "No please stop Ryoko' said Mihoshi, she was crying as she held Nobuyuki once again. "Shut up, you stupid idiot" Ryoko said while Kyone grabbed Mihoshi. ZR: Standard Galaxy Police procedure to be applied when your partner is attempting to prevent a known space pirate from beating and robbing an innocent man. GJ: Unless she grabbed her by, say, the breasts, in which case we're in for the lemon scene a little faster than usual. ZR: GARLIC PRESS! Hey, Smolken, you with me on this? DS: I do not know why I should be. What Garlic Junior said is quite reasonable. If Kiyone did grab Mihoshi's breasts, an impending lemon scene is, indeed, likely. Rowsdower growls. Then Ryoko slapped Mihoshi and she fell onto the ground crying and holding her left cheek. GJ (Mihoshi): Kiyone, don't grab my ass-cheeks so hard! They're very sensitive! Nobuyuki looked at Ryoko with fire in his eyes and said " THATS IT. YOUVE HIT THE LAST STRAW" GJ (Ryoko): No, I hit Mihoshi. DS: I've heard Mihoshi called a lot of things, but "the last straw" would be a new one. "HAHAHA I WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT" said Ryoko Nobuyuki stood up, removed his glasses and started to scream 'AHHHHHHHHHH' . ZR (Noboyuki): I CAN'T SEE! MY GLASSES! WHERE ARE MY GLASSES? DS (Ryoko): Uh, in your hand. ZR (Noboyuki): Oh. Right. Then his eyes started to burn with fire DS: Ouch. That must hurt. and his hair slowly started to raise into the air. ZR (Noboyuki): I feel a draft. Do you feel a draft? He started the twitch as his muscle started to grow and grow, his shirt ripped showing his muscles as they where still growing. DS: And growing and growing and grow and grow. ZR: And thesaurus and thesaurus and thesaurus and thesaurus, damit! Nobuyuki's hair stood at and end as it slowly started to turn blonde, then slowly his eyes started to turn into a blue ish green while his eyebrows turned yellow, the same hair color as his hair. GJ: Noboyuki - the fat, lumpy, flabby Super Saiya-jin! ZR (Ryoko): Are you superdeformed, or just that badly out-of-shape? He stood up strait with his fists at chest height. At the end of his transformation, he was absolutely huge. GJ: Is author saying he got an erection, too? ZR: This is a lemon, isn't it? That figures to be the most important part of the whole SSJ transformation here. All the girls looked at him in fear except Ryoko and Washu. DS: Perhaps they were terrified by his flabby mass. ZR (Ayeka): Oh no! He'll keep growing and crush us all! "Nice trick" said the calm Washu, "But you're not doing much." ZR (Noboyuki): Oh, come on. I spent ten minutes twitching and screaming. That's a lot of hard work! The transformed Nobuyuki looked at Ryoko, then he grabbed her and threw her outside of the house to the large lake. ZR: Oooh, big man, picking on Shin Tenchi Ryoko. DS (Kain from "Tenchi Muyo In Love"): Hey, why don't you pick on an equally ridiculously overpowered character? Nobuyuki flew after as the other girls followed." ZR (Washu): Let's not do or say anything, just follow! That makes sense! Look I gave you a warning but now it's too late, I'm gonna teach you all a lesson, and especially you Ryoko for hitting Mihoshi." DS (Noboyuki): I'll pound your skulls in with a carrot! ZR: Right, that's what "teaching a lesson" means in bad fic parlance. As he hovered over Ryoko, she flew up and hit him in the stomach again, but the new and extremely powerful Nobuyuki didn't even move an inch. "WHAAAAAAAT!!" said the confused Ryoko GJ: Dragonball Z standard procedure, that's what. Weaker characters can hit more powerful characters in the stomach with no effect. However, they will never pick up on this and will be surprised every time. "It's my turn!" Nobuyuki said. Then he punched Ryoko in the face. She flew strait into the lake. He looked and turned at the other girls. He flew towards them and he grabbed Kyono before she was able to get her lazer gun out of her gun holder. ZR: Right. Never, ever have your weapon drawn and ready for battle when you're in the middle of one. GJ: More GP standard procedure according to Mr. Sinister. ZR (GP Commissioner): Get me this Mr. Sinister who wrote our new standard procedure manual! I'm personally going to stomp his face in! He flew up around 30 feet into the air and started to slap her hard. He didn't stop until she was bleeding and out cold. After a couple of hard slaps, she was out and he dropped her. Then he started to power up a blast , DS: ...while, in the meantime, everybody else stood around doing nothing. GJ: Having more than one person doing something at the same time would be too much for Mr. Sinister's already overtaxed brain. then he shot it at Aeka. The blast ripped through her shield and hit Aeka in the chest, she went flying into Sesami and Ryo-Ohki, she hit them out cold. ZR: A convenient plot hole, isn't it? Sasami and Ryo-Ohki haven't done anything, so we'll "accidentally" hit them with Ayeka. DS: What are they, pro wrestling referees? Somebody runs into them and they're out cold? "You said it was fake Washu. DS: Fake Washu? Is Noboyuki pretending to be a little girl or making voodoo dolls of Washu? I do not know, for I am mad! Now you can feel how fake it really is. HAHAHA" "I'm not done with you yet.." said a Ryoko as she flied out of the lake with blood all around her. DS: Flying with blood around her? I'm trying to imagine that, but I cannot know what it would look like, for I am mad! GJ: Is she in a halo of blood, a blob of blood, or a Saturnesque ring of blood? ZR: Is the author too stupid to write "blood all over her"? DS: It would seem that way, but I do not know, for I am mad! ZR: Uh, right. We know. DS: You may know, but I do not, for I am mad! ZR: You're annoying, that's what you are! DS: I do not know whether I am annoying, for I am mad! (Rowsdower shakes his head and sighs.) "Becareful Ryoko, He's very powerful but you might have a chance" said Washu, then she thought * She's doomed* ZR: As opposed to thinking "run away" or "find some invention to take this guy down" or "why are we all stupid all of a sudden?" or something else intelligent. DS: Well, you know, the characters can't act any more intelligently than the author is capable of writing them. Therefore, logically, everyone will act like a moron for the entire fic. GJ: You know, you're making a lot of sense for a supposedly insane person. DS: I do not know whether I am making sense, for I am mad! ZR (to Garlic Junior): Don't provoke him, OK? Unless you want to spend the next half hour listening to "I do not know, for I am mad!" Yosho heard all she shouting, screaming and the blasts from the shrine. So he got up and ran towards the house. He looked at Nobuyuki, laughed and said " Well Raditz it looks like your up to your old tricks again" ZR (Yosho): Killing girls and whatnot. That's funny. Hahahaha! DS: So Noboyuki's secret is that he is Raditz? That would explain the strong resemblance between the two, except that there isn't one. At the battle Nobuyuki started to beat on Ryoko until she was out. He kept on giving her the old Jab-Punch-Jab, he kept it simple so that Ryoko could block it, but she was too slow and he was way too powerful. ZR: So could she block it, or could she not? DS: I do not know, for I am mad! He gave her another jab then a final uppercut to finish her off. She was out, in another dimension but not dead. ZR: Great. Now we've got a censored Robotech crossover, too. GJ: Gotta love these censored lemons that won't "kill" anyone, but will give you sex in lots of detail. Then Nobuyuki pointed his finger at Washu an gave her a little blast that would knock her out. Yosho looked the girls and wondered why Nobuyuki didn't get Mihoshi. "Ahh I see now. It looks like he may have feelings for her" GJ: Yes. He really hates her, so he saved her for the slow torment of the bad lemon part. Then he turned around and walked back to his shrine. ZR: He's a Shinto priest - surely, he won't mind a bunch of corpses rotting around his house. He definitely wouldn't attend to the wounded. Nobuyuki landed on the ground and he changed back to him old self. Back into his human form, ZR: So he's no longer "absolutely huge"? DS: He'll have to go SSJ again for the lemon scene, then. he walked towards the house and picked up his glasses. "Ahh come on this was my favorite shirt, but now it's all torn up". GJ (Noboyuki): And my pants. And my underwear. He put on his glasses and he saw Mihoshi running towards him. DS (Noboyuki): Oh. I didn't see you without my glasses. GJ (Mihoshi): Put a shirt on, for God's sake! Nobody wants to see your flab! "WOW!!! That was amazing Nobuyuki, I never knew that you were one of those special guys. ZR (Noboyuki): I'm not special, I'm just retarded! GJ (Mr. Sinister): I'm not just retarded, I'm extremely retarded! You know the guys that their planet got blown up by Frieza.." Mihoshi said. DS (Noboyuki): Yes, I know those guys. But why the sudden change of subject? "Ehh you mean a Sayin? Yes thats right I am a Sayin" Nobuyuki replied to Mihoshi GJ (Noboyuki): Yo, know what I'm sayin'? "Does anyone know?" Mihoshi said looking confused GJ (Noboyuki): Yo, know what I'm sayin'? "My old wife and Yosho. Look I don't want people to know beacuse of my past. ZR (Noboyuki): You know, killing girls a few minutes ago. That's a nasty past to have. GJ (Noboyuki): Yo, know what I'm sayin'? ZR: All right, that's getting old real fast. Hey let's go inside and do into the hot springs pool, and relax" DS (Mihoshi): You might want to finish off some of these girls... they're not quite dead yet. GJ (Kiyone): Actually, I'm getting better. "Hehehe ohh you, eh ok" Mishoshi said blushing Nobuyuki replied "Are you alright?" GJ (Mihoshi): Yes, but I must reveal to you that I, too, have a secret! I am Android 16! ZR: What the hell? GJ: Hey, it makes as much sense as Noboyuki being Raditz. DS: That, it does. "Yeah thank you, thanks for saving me back then" Mihoshi said still blushing DS (Mihoshi): Thanks for killing everybody, too! That was really sweet! They walked inside and went to their rooms to get their swimming suits. Mihoshi got her 2 piece Bikini. It was dark blue with yellow lacing. Nobuyuki got his black swimming trunks. DS (Mihoshi): What a coincidence... you have trunks and my secret is that I actually am Trunks! Mihoshi went into the pool while Nobuyuki went into the kitchen and got a special bottle of Sucke. DS: He had to go all the way to the kitchen to get a special bottle, because the rest of the fic is all regular "sucke". ZR: I don't know... seems pretty "special" to me. GJ (Mr. Sinister): I'm not special, I'm just retarded! ZR: We did that line already... DS: Yes, but in the case of Mr. Sinister, it bears repeating. Then he ran to the pool. He saw Mihoshi there and he slowly walked towards the pool. Her back was turned at the door so she didn't know he was there. DS: Oh, come on. All the girls should be used to Noboyuki sneaking around to catch a peep and always be looking out for him. Nobuyuki slowly got into the pool and he put his hand on Mihoshi's shoulder. "Ohh I didn't hear you come in" she looked at him with a surprised face and said " Is that sucke?" ZR: Really, really sucky! The whole fic is - you should have noticed by now. Nobuyuki said " Yes thats right, but here I see your a bit tense let me give you a message" DS (Noboyuki, handing Mihoshi a piece of paper): This came in the mail for you. It appears to be some sort of message. GJ (Mihoshi): Oh look - this message says that I'm not really Mihoshi, I'm Funaho! Mihoshi nodded her head. Then Nobuyuki poured 2 glasses of sucke and he handed one to Mihoshi. Mihoshi got up while Nobuyuki opened his legs signaling Mihoshi to sit down. GJ: An interesting method of communication. Perhaps some Japanese custom I'm not familiar with. She sat down between his legs with her back turned at him. He started to message her shoulders DS (Noboyuki): Noboyuki to shoulders! Noboyuki to shoulders! Come in, shoulders! "Hmmmm this feels soo good" Mihoshi looked up at the celling and she closed her eyes. "So will you tell me you past story now? PLEASE?" ZR (Noboyuki): Only if you say "pretty please with sugar on top". "Mishoshi I feel like I cant trust with anything. Ok well about 20 years ago. I came to this earth to find my brother Kakarot. I came here to tell him to come back or to kill him. DS (Noboyuki): Either tell him to come back or kill him... can't remember which, though. GJ (Mihoshi): Ah, what's the difference anyway? But he was too power full for me and he had 2 power full allies, his son Gohan and a Namek named Picolo. ZR (Mihoshi): So, you got your ass kicked by a four-year-old? GJ: HEY! ZR: Oh, what's the matter? Sorry... I forgot... you got your ass kicked by the same little kid when he was only three... GJ: SHUT UP, DAMIT! ZR: Oh, and we all know how well you managed to get your revenge, don't we? GJ: I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS! ZR: Tell me, how is your eternal prison? Is it nice? (Garlic Junior roars and transforms into his big battle form.) ZR: Oh, what are you gonna do? Make Washu send the tentacle monster after you? (Garlic Junior turns pale, reverts to his normal form and sits down.) GJ: I really, really hate you. ZR: I assure you, the feeling is mutual. I was winning until Kakarot held me back and Picolo shot at me, but at the last second I was able to dodge the shot. GJ (Mr. Sinister): Ignore Piccolo gloating over the fallen Raditz and finishing him off. Ignore the corpse on the battlefield. Ignore Yama-ou subduing Raditz in the afterlife. These are insignificant little details, not enough to break continuity with the DBZ storyline. I had to fly out as fast as I could, while I had to lower my power so they couldn't sence me. GJ: Raditz was not familiar with the techniques, or even the possibility of lowering one's ki, prior to his arrival on Earth. He couldn't do this even if he wanted to. I realized that I wasn't powerful enough, and that I had to stay low. GJ: Of course, if he did dodge the shot, then Piccolo would be drained of all ki and missing an arm, Gohan unconscious, and Kakarotto either dead or (if he avoided the shot as well) seriously injured. In this situation, running away is what every brave Saiya-jin warrior would do. ZR: OK, you've made your point... the crossover is ludicrous, and extremely poorly handled, yes? GJ: Yes. I came here and met with a beutiful woman, her father Yosho knew about my powers and ZR: ...immediately contacted Goku and Piccolo. DS: Or just kicked Raditz' ass himself. he helped me train. I hit SuperSayin level but then I stopped training GJ: Anyone who's watched DBZ knows that Super Saiya-jin is reached by training, training and only training. That's how Goku, Vegeta, Trunks and Gohan all did it. because I had a newborn son.." GJ: Right. A very Saiya-jin thing to do. After all, Kakarotto and Vegeta immediately ceased all training when they had children. DS: If Tenchi is seventeen, he would have been born three years after Raditz arrived on Earth. That would mean that Raditz continuted to lay low while Vegeta and Napa arrived on Earth, and perhaps even when Freeza returned. GJ: He'd certainly be the most powerful being on Earth while Goku was off in space, especially considering he reached SSJ before Vegeta. ZR: Forget it, guys. I think this is a "one tenth of a Shin Tenchi episode and the first three and a half episodes of DBZ" crossover. After that, continuity went to hell... or at least Edmonton! "Oh oh I know, thats Tenchi right?" Mihoshi said all excited ZR (Noboyuki): No, it's Gene Mesaki, from Mr. Sinister's other crappy lemon! GJ (Noboyuki): Tenchi has no balls! He is not my son! "Yes thats right Mihoshi, well you know the rest of the story. DS (Mihoshi): Yes, I did watch the series, but your story doesn't seem to have much to do with it. If we were in the DBZ storyline, you'd just "lay low" while Buu destroyed the Earth. My wife died and I had to raise Tenchi myself" Nobuyuki said sounding a bit sad " I never thought that would meet any one as beutyful as my wife, but then you came into my life Mihoshi" ZR (Mihoshi): Unfortunately, I must confess that "Mihoshi" is only a disguise field. I am, in fact, the mighty Damaramu! "You mean me? You have had feeling for me all this time? DS (Noboyuki): Yes - feeling. But only one. Certainly not "feelings". Why didn't you tell me anything?" Mihoshi said all confused. "Well I always thought that you loved Tenchi like the other girls" he replied DS (Mihoshi): Actually, I love the other girls a lot more than I love Tenchi. Especially Ryoko! She's hot! "HA?! I dont love Tenchi, I love you" Mihoshi said while she turned around and sat on his right lap. She looked at Nobuyuki shile a tear ran down her eyes. ZR: Way to go, Mr. Sinister! That's what I call well-done character development! Showing us how the characters who seemingly have no feelings for each other - beyond Noboyuki wanting to peep at all the girls - fell in love! GJ: And that is what I call sarcasm. "I love you Mihoshi and I have from the first day I saw you" Nobuyuki said while he looked into those beutyfull blue eyes. ZR: So is she "beutyful" or "beutyfull"? Make up your fucking mind! Nobuyuki and Mihoshi drew their head towards each other. ZR: They only have one head? GJ: I thought between the two of them they should have three. DS: Maybe they're drawing one on a piece of paper. ZR: Hm... that would make a lot more sense. They lips meet in a passionate kiss. They felt like it lastest for eternity. DS: Even laster than last - lastest! Mihoshi slowly put her tongue into Nobuyuki mouth, he returned the favor. Mihoshi broke up the kiss and said " I love you, but this is my first time, please be gentile" GJ (Mihoshi): I hope you're not Jewish! I fucking hate Jews! ZR: Saiya-jin can be Jewish? DS (Mihoshi): I must tell you that I am not Mihoshi - I am really Adolf Hitler! "Don't worry my love, you will never be hurt around me" Mihoshi knelt down on his lap so she can face him and be close. She got close enough to feel his hard cock about to rip out of his trunks. DS (Mihoshi): Your rooster isn't tender yet. You should roast it at least another 20 minutes. Nobuyuki had a giant smile on his face DS (Mihoshi): Yaaah! You have a giant smile on your face! It looks freaky! ZR (Noboyuki): Chill out... I'm just being superdeformed. as he felt her pussy in her bikini rubbing agains his hard dick. ZR: While she's kneeling on his lap? She's some contortionist! She put he hands behind her back and she started to unravel her bikini, she took off her top and reveled her beutyfull light tanned brests with pink nipples. ZR: Thank God for small favors. I was worried she might have green nipples or something of that sort. They are perfectly sized, every mans dream, perfectly round, and her tan was amazing, you can see little triangles around her breasts. You can see all her tan lines. ZR (Mihoshi): Don't get too excited - those breasts aren't real. I'm actually Lina Inverse. Nobuyuki couldn't belive what was inches from his face. His eyes widened in shock. DS: What is he - an atittist? ZR: WHAT? DS: You know, like an atheist, only instead of not believing in God, he doesn't believe that breasts exist. Then it would make sense that he couldn't believe what was inches from his face. GJ: Of course, considering she is Lina Inverse, he'd be right. ZR: Oh, forget it... "Is there something wrong?" Mihoshi said looking worried, " Is there something wrong with my figure?" "No, no, no, Your amazing Mihoshi, your even beutifuller than my last wife, ZR (Noboyuki): You know... my last wife... what the hell was her name, anyway? Ah, guess it wasn't important enough to bother remembering. Im just so amazed at how beutifull you are" ZR (Mihoshi): Oh! Is that how it is? Then I will reveal to you my secret - I AM ACHIKA! And you can sleep in the garage! GJ: Hey, look - another novel spelling of "beautiful". This author does have original ideas, at least as far as spelling that word goes. Mihoshi looked at Nobuyuki and she had an amazing smile on her face. They shared in another passionate kiss. Nobuyuki put his hands on Mihoshis breast and he started to message them. DS (Noboyuki): Dear breasts... do you really exist? I don't believe in you! If you are real, give me some sign! He moved his left hand up higher at Mihoshis neck. He broke up the kiss and he started to kiss down the left side of her neck. He went lower and lower until he got in between the valley between her breats. GJ (Noboyuki): Mmmmmphhpfff! I can't breathe! He gave little kisses and started to kiss her right breast while he messaged her left breast with his right hand. ZR (Noboyuki): Hi... this is right hand... I'm trying to reach left breast. My number is 555-2385... He lowered his left and he grabbed Mihoshis ass, and he started to message it. GJ (Noboyuki): Dear ass... ZR: All right, that's getting old... let's just assume Mr. Sinister meant "massage" and get on with it. He was kissing and liking her nipple , GJ: That does make a lot more sense than kissing and hating her nipple would. they thought that they were in totaly extacy, but the best was just about to come. ZR: "Best?" No, I suspect the story's about to take a downturn straight into a lemon-scented toilet. DS: Look on the bright side - we'll definitely get to test the Garlic Press. GJ: Damn you. ZR: Well, don't make sick comments! GJ: I think it's still worth it! ZR: All right... I think we've all reached some sort of understanding here. "Hmmmm this is too good, but I think its time" Mishoshi said, she got up of Nobuyuki's lap. DS (Noboyuki): Time for what? ZR (Mihoshi): Teatime! I'm not Mihoshi, I'm Queen Elizabeth II of England! She turns over as she bent over. GJ: Pick a tense and stuck with it! Her gorgeus ass was inches next to his face. DS (Noboyuki): Uh, you might want to wipe your ass better. Then she slowly lower the lower part of her bikini. ZR: ...as she upper the upper part of her bikini. GJ: ...as the author lower the lower quality of his grammar. She lowered it so slowly that Nobuyuki was gonna go mad, GJ: Yeah, go mad - start having delusions that he's Raditz, viciously attacking girls... his cock just raising again, becomming the biggest he has ever had. DS: So, Noboyuki has a chicken farm with a large young rooster? She slowly revelead her asshole. She bent over even lower, her head was nearly in the water, then she stepped out of the thong part and threw it aside. ZR: OK... if she can do that without falling over... she is an acrobat! GJ: All right! Acrobatic lemon scene coming up! Nobuyuki took of his trunks as fast as he could. He took them off then Mihoshi looked at him , and nodded. ZR: With approval? GJ: I guess so. ZR: At least she didn't say "it's sooooooo big". "I'm ready" she said She slowly lowered herself on Nobuyuki monster dick. She had seen a dick before but only in those love comics and she never thought that Nobuyukis would be soo big. ZR: Right. Real-life dicks are so much bigger than in "those love comics". GJ: At least have him go SSJ and be "absolutely huge" so it'll be a bit more believable. His dick was slowly going into Mihoshis cunt, as she lowed, DS: She lowed? Is she a cow now? GJ (Mihoshi): Moooooo! I'm not really Mihoshi - I'm the cow that jumped over the moooooooooooooooon! she moaned " HMMMMM" DS: That's not what I call a moan! I call that a "hm". then Nobuyuki felt Mihoshis barrier. He put his hands on her hips, and he brought his waist upwards . With Mihoshis help he pushed her downwards onto his dick, while he ripped the barrier, and pushed his cock further and further into Mihoshis beutifull pussy. ZR: Hey, he's used that "beutifull" spelling already. DS: Mr. Sinister's just run out of the only original ideas he had. "Ouch, that hurts" She yelled , but she was starting to enjoy it " In and out . In and out, OHHHHHH" DS: Does she need to give him instructions so he doesn't get "in" and "out" confused? ZR (Mihoshi): In and out, OHHHHHH. In... GJ (Noboyuki): No, wait, we're on "out" now. You got lost on the "OHHHHHH". ZR (Mihoshi): Right. Sorry. Out... in and out... *Geez its been nearly 20 years that I have had sex with a woman* Nobuyuki was thinking. GJ: "Geez, sex with a woman would be nice but I'll never get any" Mr. Sinister was thinking. DS: He'd never think that. GJ: What would he think, in your opinion? DS: Perhaps something such as "I need my diaper changed but I'm too retarded to do it myself". GJ: You may have a point. "I can't belive this Mihoshi, I LOVE YOU" He screamed ZR: That's OK. We can't believe anything that's happened in this poorly written piece of garbage so far, either. Mihoshi started to bounce up and down on his dick, ZR: Boingy, boingy, boingy... and Nobuyuki felt her ass until he saw Mihoshis breats starting to bounce up and down. He grabbed her breasts and started to message them again... ZR (Noboyuki): Noboyuki to breasts... GJ: I thought you said that's gotten old. "OHHHH MY GOD" Mihoshi screamed DS (Mihoshi): A MOUSE! I SAW A MOUSE! with pleasure nearly getting to her climax. "I'm hitting my climax" Nobuyuki said while looking at Mihoshis face. GJ (Mihoshi in bored monotone): I'm hitting my climax too. DS (Noboyuki in bored monotone): I'm looking at your face. ZR (Mihoshi in bored monotone): We don't need exclamation points. We can just say what we have to say calmly. Mihoshi grabbed his hands of her breasts and she started to squeeze them, he under stood that she was reaching her climax by squeezing back. ZR: What the hell? Is this author some deaf-mute who communicates with others by opening his legs and squeezing their breasts? DS: No. She was apparently squeezing his hands with her breasts, as "Mihoshi grabbed his hands of her breasts" seems to indicate. In that case, the author is probably just on acid. She closed her eyes and tightened her face muscles. They both yelled at the same time while Nobuyuki cummed into Mihoshis pussy. ZR (Noboyuki): WHY ARE WE YELLING? GJ (Mihoshi): I SAW THE MOUSE AGAIN! ZR (Noboyuki): DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT! I ALMOST HAD A HEART ATTACK? GJ (Mihoshi): OK, BUT CAN WE STOP YELLING NOW? ZR (Noboyuki): SURE, WHY NOT? GJ (Mihoshi): GOOD! MY THROAT IS GETTING SORE! "Ahhhhh" he said in relif. ZR (Noboyuki): Thank you for the throat lozenges. Mihoshi stayed on his dick, but she layed her head on Nobuyuki shoulder. While they were both gasping for air. They rested for about 30 minutes. ZR: They just sat there for a half-hour? GJ: Well, it is a Dragonball Z crossover. You can expect things to spend a whole lot of time not happening. DS (Mihoshi): Can I get off you now? I'm getting cramps and my leg's falling asleep. Nobuyuki looked into Mihoshis beutyfull blue eyes. She had 2 tears on either side of her face. One for the pain and one for her new love. GJ: How fucking sweet. ZR: Rofuckingmantic. Nobuyoki got up and sat at the edge of the hot springs pool. ZR (Noboyuki): Hey, look, it's my friend from work - Nobuyoki! DS (Mihoshi): Pleased to meet you, Nobuyoki! GJ (Nobuyoki): Let's have a threesome! ZR and DS: GARLIC PRESS! ("YE OLDE GARLIC PRESS" lands squarely on Garlic Junior's head.) GJ: Ow. He opened his legs. ZR: Signaling Mihoshi to sit down? DS: Probably. GJ (crawling out from beneath the Garlic Press): Ow. With a few flicks of his wrist he go his dick hard again. Mihoshi understood what happened , she nodded and lowered her head on Nobuyukis dick. She kissed the tip of his dick. Then she opened her mouth and started to put his dick into her mouth. ZR: Impressive. Four sentences with the word "dick" in a row. GJ: A pronoun! My kingdom for a pronoun! She sucked fast and slow. ZR: Wow. That must be really difficult. Just how can she suck both fast and slow? GJ: Well, the fic is sucking fast, slow, and everything inbetween, isn't it? ZR: Oh. Right. She must have learned it from Mr. Sinister. She sometimes even took it out of her mouth to lick the tip. Nobuyuki was in total extacy, he laid back and looked at the celling. ZR (Noboyuki): Look, the paint's drying... isn't that interesting? While Mihoshi sucked faster and faster and faster. GJ: While the fic sucked slow and boring and boring and boring. He couldn't take it anymore, he was gonna explode. DS (Noboyuki): EVACUATE THE AREA! I'M GONNA EXPLODE! He cummed right into Mihoshis mouths. GJ: How many mouths does Mihoshi have? ZR: Well, more than one, anyway. DS (Mihoshi): I now reveal my true identity - Shub-Niggurath! ZR: Say, that would explain how she could suck both fast and slow at the same time. She was shocked and didn't know what to do so she swallowed it and started to lick it off his tip. ZR: Riiiiight. Every woman's instinctive reaction. "AHHH that was too good Mihoshi" She looked up and smiled with joy " Thank you very much" "Its time to swtich" he said. but Mihoshi was kind of confused. GJ (Noboyuki): Go revive Kiyone and have hot lesbian sex with her! I'll take pictures! She sat up on the egde while Nobuyuki went into the water. He slowly opened her legs reviling her beutifull pussy. DS (Noboyuki): I revile, despise and abhor your pussy! It may be beautiful, but I'm gay! He slowly opened her pussy lips with his fingers and he opened them. DS: Then, he opened them, after which he opened them and he opened them. He slowly lowered his head, and he put his tongue into her clit. ZR: Uh... you can't put anything into a clit, unless it's sharp enough to cut a hole in it. He started to lick faster and slower. Mihoshi grabbed the back of his head and arched her back trying to get his entire tongue into her clit. ZR: ...while the author took ignorance of the human anatomy to new levels. GJ (anatomy lesson Nazi to Mr. Sinister): No anatomy lessons for you! Nobuyki liked faster and faster. DS (Noboyuki): I like faster, and I like faster. I can't decide which I like better, though. Do I like faster better than faster, or faster better than faster? Mihoshi shut her eyes shut and screamed in happyness. She reached her climax and started to scream. DS (Mihoshi): AAAAH! A SPIDER! I SAW A SPIDER! "AHHHHHHH- OHHH-UHHHH-MMMMMMMMM" ZR: Wow. Must be a big spider. Then she started cummin right into his mouth. "MMMM this tastes soo good" He said with a mouth full of Mihoshis semen. GJ: Mihoshi's... SEMEN? ZR: Holy shit! She really did "switch" like he told her to! She's a man now! GJ: All right! Hot yaoi action! DS: I must admit, a Noboyuki-male Mihoshi lemon is fairly original. GJ (Mihoshi): I will now reveal my true identity - Dick Sausage! DS (Mink from "Dragon Half"): That's SAUCER! DICK SAUCER! "It's sooo thick. It's soooo white. It's sooo salty" he just loved Mihoshis flavor. It was truly a taste of Heaven, maybe even better. ZR: Maybe. Depends how well cooked Heaven is. GJ: I like oven-roasted Heaven stuffed with peppers. "Hmmm There is only one more position I cant think of Mihoshi" Nobuyuki said with a delight look on his face. ZR (laughing): I thought these authors got their sexual experience watching bad porn, but this guy doesn't even have that! Mihoshi looked at him and nodded " Yes I understand, this one might be even more fun then the others" DS: Then again, it might not be. I cannot know... for I am mad! Nobuyuki saved some of Mihoshis cum as he scooped it into his right hand. He turned her around and started to lubricate her asshole. ZR: Yeah, a Mr. Sinister lemon must have anal sex. He apparently thinks that women have prostates and thus find anal sex pleasant. DS: No, Mihoshi is a man now. ZR: Oh. Right. I forgot. "Now Mihoshi, you must understand that you have to relax in this position. If you don't then you will hurt your self and me" Nobuyuki said calmly. ZR (Noboyuki): I, being a Super Saiya-jin, am easily hurt. DS (Noboyuki): Oh, and that "Don't worry my love, you will never be hurt around me" thing I said earlier? Never mind about that... "Ok" Mihoshi said with excitement. GJ (Mihoshi): But there's a suppository you should remove first. ZR and DS: GARLIC PRESS! (Garlic Junior gets pressed.) ZR: That was just wrong. GJ (slurred, from beneath the block of stone): Hey, at least it's a suppository, not a wine glass! ZR and DS: GARLIC PRESS! (The Garlic Press flies up into the air and slams down on Garlic Junior again.) DS: Hey, that worked! ZR: That's why we're testing it - to find things like that out. DS: Washu will be so proud of us. He lowered her into the hot spring water once again until she was ready to kneel down in the inside step that people sit on in the pool. She knelt down as the water was up to the bottom part of her breasts. Nobuyuki got one last feel of Mihoshi breasts DS (Noboyuki, sobbing): Goodbye, breasts! I'll miss you! and he felt her hard nipples that he adored so much. Mihoshi straightened her arms, and put her hand on the ledge ZR: I love it when authors spend several sentences describing a simple action like bending over in excruciatingly slow, painfully boring detail. knowing that this might hurt more than before, but she was even readier than before. GJ: Yes, after a few pages in an idiotic lemon, one learns to be ready for anything. Nobuyuki took his right hand and put it on his erected hard cock. Then he guided it into Mihoshis asshole. GJ: Maybe his rooster needs a guide dog. Slowly inch by inch he went deeper into her, until her got in 3 quatres of the way. ZR: Uh, "inch by inch" is very far from "slowly" when going into a virgin ass. GJ: And you know this... how? ZR: Never mind. "Thank you for relaxing Mihoshi" GJ: Thank you for holding. This is Mihoshi's ass. How may I direct your call? he looked at her while her eyes were shut close , with a wide grin on her face. After a minute. Nobuyuki felt her asshole was as loose as her pussy , GJ: Uh, if he has a "monster cock" bigger than in "those love comics", that would take weeks, maybe even months, of gradual reaming. Certainly more than a minute. ZR: True. GJ: Unless he just violently and bloodily ripped her wide open. ZR and DS: GARLIC PRESS! (Garlic Junior dives forward, and "YE OLDE GARLIC PRESS" falls in just the right place to smack into the back of his head.) ZR: True, I suppose, but I'd rather not think about that! GJ (moaning): Well, dodging was worth a try. then he started to take thrusts into Mihoshi. DS: Thrust, and parry, and feint, and thrust... parry... parry... She yelled with please and pain. But she said "Ohh DEEPER, DEEPER NOBUYUKI DEEPER" He understood that he had to fuck her harder and harder, deeper and deeper. ZR: Oh, what a sensitive, understanding fellow! GJ (Noboyuki): I wonder why the water is turning blood-red... ZR and DS: GARLIC PRESS! (Garlic Junior gets duly pressed.) He was grabbing Mihoshis tits while they where boucning up and down. ZR: Hey! Hold still! I can't grab you! You can hear Mihoshis butt checks slap against Nobuyukis thighs. ZR: A truly romantic moment brought to you by Mr. Sinister. DS: She has a checkered butt? GJ: Well, she is an alien, right? SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK - YELL- SCREAM GJ: The sound of Mihoshi and Noboyuki bitch-slapping the author for putting them in this moronic scene? ZR: You wish. DS: We all wish. They both reached their climax and cummed at the same time. Nobuyuki sat on the inside step while Mihoshi sat on his lap. ZR (Mihoshi as Beavis): I'm bleeding... "I love you Mihoshi, I always want to be with you Mihoshi" He said as he looked into her deep blue ocean eyes ZR (Mihoshi as Beavis): I'm bleeding... "Are you saying what I think your saying?" she said GJ (Noboyuki): Yo, know what I'm sayin'? ZR (Mihoshi as Beavis): I'm still bleeding... "YES MIHOSHI MARRY ME, BE WITH ME FOR EVER!" he yelled ZR (Mihoshi): Sorry, I can't, I'm about to bleed to death. Why, exactly, are we just sitting here talking while I'm bleeding? "YES I WILL" as she looked at him with tears comming from both their faces. Then they shared in a final passionate kiss. DS (Mihoshi): But I must reveal to you my terrible, dark secret - I AM NOBOYUKI! THE END??? ZR: We hope. for now ZR: And the point of the story was? GJ: That Shin Tenchi Muyo! characters aren't ridiculously overpowered like Dragonball Z characters. DS: And Mr. Sinister thinks Mihoshi would be pretty hot if she was a guy. ZR: Hmm... right. That's what I thought it was, too. Just checking. ___________________________________________________________________ Please tell me how I did on that lemon, DS: Not bad... GJ: NOT BAD? WHAT THE HELL? ZR: He is as mad as he says he is... DS: ...for a retarded fourth-grader whose sole sexual experience consists of having watched scrambled porn once. ZR: Oh. Well, I have to agree, there. GJ: Me too. I would appreciate any kind of reply, I know that it might be boring for somepeople to log into their e-mail and then write one for me, but please do so. ZR: Nah. We'd rather use the TMFFA as a convenient forum for public flogging. It's the only way I can get better. GJ: I would suggest you would get better if you quit writing fanfics and instead strung yourself up by your own balls. However, I doubt whether you have any balls, so... if you really want to get better, quit writing fanfics and try eating your own shit instead. Surely, a much more constructive activity for the likes of you to engage in. My Email Is CMDR_DUFF@YAHOO.COM ZR: And mine isn't. Hmm I'll think about it and maybe I'll do a lemon with Tenchi and Sakua. Or anyone you all can think of. GJ: Sasami after a sex change and... uh... Sasami after a sex change! ZR: You know, that's probably too stupid to be disturbing. DS: Perfect for Mr. Sinister. ZR: Yes. Next time I preoberly wont to a cross GJ: WHAT? DS: Next time he preoberly wont to a cross. GJ: Thank you. over like this one, they will all be Tenchi Muyo characters ZR: Of course, it will be idiotic and badly written like this one. DS: Look on the bright side - at least he preoberly wont to a cross. ZR: Good. I was hoping he'd preoberly wont to a cross. GJ: Preoberly wonting to a cross is always a good idea. DS (hoarsely singing): Preeeooooberly wont to a croooooooossss! (The screen fades to black, the doors click open, and the MSTers exit the theater.) (Outside the theater) ZR: Washu, you said you need a "madman" for your experiment. I don't think Smolken is half as mad as he says he is. Maybe you need to swap him out for somebody less annoying. GJ: Yeah. Somebody who's not going to use the Garlic Press, preferably. Smolken seems pretty sane to me, he just likes to say "I do not know, for I am mad" to annoy us. ZR: Do you really think he is mad? Washu: That, I cannot know, for I am mad! ZR: Oh, please, not that! DS: She is the greatest mad scientist in the Universe, after all. GJ: I think you two are in this together. Washu and DS (together): We do not know, for we are mad! ZR: Never mind... just send us home, OK? Washu: I will, but first, how did the Garlic Press work? GJ: Annoyingly stunning. ZR: Not well enough! He kept making sick comments! DS: Maybe you need to turn it up. GJ: I disagree strongly. Washu: I'll have to look over Garlic Junior's readings from this experiment and make adjustments as necessary. I think you three have achieved some sort of detente, anyway. Well, I have data analyses to run, so home you go! And remember to preoberly wont to a cross! (Washu types something on her holo-laptop, and the MSTers vanish into thin air, off to peroberly wont to a cross in their own realities...) So, Washu's second experiment is complete... time for author's notes. Direct any ire, comments or raven skulls to smolken@spacemoose.com. I have very little interest in "normal" fanfics, but I like good MSTs, so I may have a warped perspective on fanfics in general. To clear up any confusion, the digger Smolken doing the MSTing is the "original" one from Roger Corman's brilliant movie "The Undead", not a self-insertion. In other words, he's a fat, ugly, middle-aged insane gravedigger, not my youthful, handsome, clever, well-paid self. Also, Zap Rowsdower is the original one from "The Final Sacrifice" (a fine Canadian film), not Cyrus "Rowsdower" Marriner, who's an MSTer that stole a spaceship named after Zap. Thanks to countless MSTers (especially Peter Suzuki, Bob and Jerry, Loden Taylor, Ksawarrior and Cyrus "Rowsdower" Marriner) for inspiration. And now, your moment of Zen: You can hear Mihoshis butt checks slap against Nobuyukis thighs. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK - YELL- SCREAM