DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. Smolken belongs perhaps to
Roger Corman, Zap Rowsdower belongs to a guy who comes from a long line of great
anuses, and Garlic Junior belongs to the evil forces behind Dragonball Z.
Washu and all the Tenchi Muyo! characters in the fic being MSTd belong to
Pioneer/AIC.
The cast:
the digger Smolken (DS): gravedigger and musical genius. Surprisingly
logical and intelligent, for all his claims of being mad.
Zap Rowsdower (ZR): homeless drunk, murderer, and former lawyer.
Surprisingly
caring and kind.
Garlic Junior (GJ): the son of Demon Lord Garlic. Unsurprisingly evil.
Washu: greatest scientific genius in the Universe!
Based on the growth in Tenchi's courage when faced with powerful
villains and nasty situations, Washu developed a hypothesis that exposure to
really terrible fanfics could cause Tenchi to grow a pair of balls. Some
preliminary calculations indicated that in order to test the hypothesis
fully,
she needed to subject a wide range of personalities to said fanfics: a hero,
a
madman and a demon. These did not take long to find. In order to have a
small
and relatively easy-to-manage demon, she offered Garlic Junior a sort of
work-release program from his eternal prison (the terms, unluckily for him,
include a prohibition on killing, enslaving or physically harming the other
MSTers, which will be enforced by Washu's tentacle monster). The madman is
the
digger Smolken, and the hero is Canada's greatest, Zap Rowsdower. Washu
tricked
these two into losing bets with her (something to do with the relative
durability
of carrots and skulls), then used a dimensional transporter to bring all
three to
her lab. After explaining the purpose of the experiment and attaching some
small
discs to the MSTers foreheads, Washu sent them into a theater, locked them
in,
and started typing on her holo-laptop. A simple explanation, but simple
ones are
often best...
Thus, yet another MST series begins with "No Need For Good Partners"
chapter 1 by Mr. Schjmo - experiment #1 of Project Corpseflower.
(door sequence: 9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...)
Copywrite
ZR: Great. The first word of the disclaimer is already spelled wrong.
DS: A certain sign of ill boding.
shit: Look i don't own any of the charactrers in this story, never
claimed to, don't want to, and probably never will. Don't sue me cause i'm
broke
as fuck.
DS: Ah, makes you want to bring back the debtor's prison system...
ZR: Then if he's broke he just gets thrown in prison instead of having
to pay.
Message to the kids: Kids, this is a lemon, it will include sexual content.
If
your not old enough, don't read it. you probably shouldn't be here anyway.
SO
FUCK OFF!!
ZR: What a nice disclaimer...
GJ: So, kids shouldn't read this, but it's OK for a kid to write it
and post it? An odd sort of hypocrisy.
Appoligy: My spelling and grammer is bad,
GJ: That's OK... just makes it easier for us to rip into you.
i know and i don't give a fuck and i
know this is short but the next few will be bigger. k?
Now, on with the fucking story!
DS: "Fucking story"... could this be a euphemism for "lemon"?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
No need for Good Partners. ^_^
DS: No need for good plot.
ZR: No need for good taste.
GJ: No need for good English.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Setting[Mihoshi and Kiyone are relaxing in their bathing suits inside the
Yagami's recreation room. They are on a two weeks payed vacation to pluto
and
back. They have been gone for 3 days so far.]
GJ: There's a lot to do on Pluto.
ZR: Come see the cold rocks, the frozen gases, the really tiny sun
and... well... that's all, I guess.
GJ (Kiyone): Mihoshi! This Pluto vacation was your stupid idea! This
is just like our patrols, only even more boring!
DS: Of course, a "payed" vacation doesn't do them much good - there's
not much GP work on the backwater that is Earth anyway, so they have
plenty of time to relax. Whatever currency GP pays them in isn't
worth anything on Earth, which is why they need jobs flipping
burgers and so on.
ZR: You don't expect these authors to watch the series, do you?
DS: No. But then again, they are wearing bathing suits on a spaceship.
I'm not expecting this author to make much sense at all... but I
cannot be sure, for I am mad!
For some time it had seemed to Kiyone that Mihoshi was asleep.
ZR: Pick a tense and stick with it!
DS: An oft-repeated MST comment, but it didn't take us long to get it
out of the way.
Her
mindless chattering about how great it was to finally get some time off had
now
ceased and Kiyone was damn proud of it.
ZR: Proud? How is Mihoshi ceasing to babble Kiyone's accomplishment?.
GJ: Maybe she slipped Mihoshi some sleep-inducing drugs.
She too was glad that for two weeks they
wouldn't have to work but only because it gave her time off from Mihoshi's
constant mistakes and slacking off.
DS: It is a good thing Mihoshi only makes constant mistakes when
not on vacation.
GJ: I already see the author's thought this through well.
She breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Then
took a chance to queitly enjoy this long deserved break.
ZR: And this undeserved poor spelling and grammar.
She let her body
completely relax and silently let go into her own privite Nirvana. Her head
gently drift to the right. She opened her eyes to see
GJ: Mitsuki in a dominatrix outfit and Yosho in a leather miniskirt,
all over each other!
ZR: Your comments are worse than the fic! Go back where you came from!
GJ: Hahaha! The doors are locked - you'll just have to suffer!
(Rowsdower sighs)
Mihoshi's body. Tanned and
smooth. When she was asleep she seemed somewhat...attractive to Kiyone,
DS (Kiyone): Perhaps she would be even more attractive if she was dead.
GJ: Well, a necrophiliac lesbian lemon would be somewhat original...
ZR: We'll have to have Washu enforce a "don't give authors ideas" rule
on this guy... or at least give us powerful weapons to hit him with.
though
she would never admit it to Mihoshi herself.
DS: Not for another five seconds, anyway, when the author will
have finished gnawing her brain away and the lemon logic will have
entered fully.
She let her eyes wander to
Mihoshi's large tanned breasts, her long slender legs her smooth blonde
hair.
ZR: The smooth blond hair on her long slender legs?
DS: I think so.
ZR (Kiyone): I find your hairy toes very attractive, Mihoshi!
Suddenly Mihoshi turned her head to Kiyone and said, "Man, Kiyone, it's so
great to finally relax after all the hard work we've been doing. It's so
great
the boss gave us this vacation i mean-"
That was just too much for Kiyone. "GODDAMNIT MIHOSHI WILL YOU JUST SHUT
UP FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND, I CANT RELAX WITH YOU BABBLING ALL THE TIME!!!
GJ (Kiyone): WHICH IS WHY I'M IN THE SAME SMALL ROOM WITH YOU! IF I
DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOUR BABBLING, I'D GO RELAX ON SOME OTHER
PART OF THE SHIP! IT'S BIG ENOUGH TO KEEP A WHOLE HOUSE IN,
AFTER ALL!
Mihoshi cringed back at Kiyone's remark. She covered her face and started
to cry.
DS: Kiyone yelling, Mihoshi crying... how much more cliche can
this get?
ZR: They'll turn out to be lesbians.
DS: Ah, yes. Then all the cliches will be in place.
"I'm sorry Kiyone <sniff> I just wanted to say something.
ZR (Mihoshi): You just sat on a scorpion. But I guess I won't
tell you now!
<sniff> But
I'll just <sniff> be quiet.
GJ (Kiyone): BE QUIET THEN! AND NO SNIFFING! AND WHY AM I YELLING?
Kiyone melted inside.
DS: Molten Kiyone snacks, anyone?
As much as she hated it when Mihoshi messed up, she
hated it more to see her cry.
ZR: This author sure is making Kiyone sound horribly hateful.
GJ (Kiyone): HATE! HATE! HATE! I'M GONNA JOIN THE KKK AND DRAW
SWASTIKAS EVERYWHERE! SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME, MIHOSHI?
"That's okay Mihoshi. I didn't mean to yell. We
can talk if you want."
GJ (Kiyone): AS MUCH AS I HATE IT WHEN YOU TALK!
"Really? Thanx Kiyone!"^_^
GJ (Kiyone): ARRRRRRRRRRRGH! I HATE IT WHEN YOU THANK ME!
ZR: Calm down, will you?
GJ: HATE! HATE!
(Rowsdower sighs)
"Mihoshi, I wanted to ask you a question. Why do you keep turning down all
the promotions that come to you. Don't you want to get away from this job,
all
the chasing around criminals. Don't you want a quiet little desk job?"
ZR (Mihoshi): Sure - we'll both take desk jobs at the end of the
series.
"Why of course not, silly.
GJ (Kiyone): I HATE... ah, never mind... it's getting boring.
ZR: Mihoshi calling Kiyone silly... what next? Aeka calling Ryoko
flat?
DS: It's been done...
A desk job would be so boring all i would do is
sit around all day.
DS: No. She'd cause several disasters of various sizes and spend her
time dealing with those. That girl knows how to stay busy!
ZR: Only the author doesn't know much about her, apparently.
GJ (author): Watch the series? What for - I'd rather just read lemons!
I like chasing around criminals and, well i like being with
you..." Mihoshi blushed slightly and looked down as if she was ashamed.
ZR: Garlic Junior, as the anime insider, would you like to take care
of this physics lesson?
GJ: Certainly. In anime, blushing indicates arousal, not
embarrassment. The author's telling us Mihoshi's getting turned on
already.
"But Mihoshi, all i do is get mad and yell at you about not getting
promotions and stuff."
DS (Kiyone): Especially about not getting stuff. I HATE IT WHEN YOU
DON'T GET STUFF!
"Yeah, but when your not getting mad we have a lot of fun, like at the
Kareoke bar, and i just really lo... like you."
This last statement supprised Kiyone a bit.
DS: But only a bit. Then she realized this is a bad lemon, so what
else
could Mihoshi have to say?
Mihoshi almost said that she
loved her. =Maybe it was just my imagination, but what it it wasn't?=.
DS: It was just a horrible lemon author with no time for in-character
behavior.
ZR: Don't count on a lot of foreplay, either.
Mihoshi
was looking at her nervously she decided it was time to answer. "I really
lo...
like you too mihoshi bu-"
GJ (Kiyone): You- speec... impedime- seem- t... b... contagiou-.
Kiyone was in shock she had almost said that she loved Mihoshi =Oh my god,
whats going on. This can't be happening. I'm supposed to like guys.
ZR (Kiyone): I must be in a bad lemon. How shocking! Usually, Sasami
or Ryoko are in those.
DS: She's supposed to like guys? In fanfics, she's about equally
likely
to be straight, lesbian or bi. Therefore, I cannot know whether
she's
supposed to like guys... for I am mad!
And
mihoshi's just...she's just...=
DS: She's just =?
ZR: Equal?
DS: Perhaps the author meant "she is just" as in "just and fair". But
I do not know, for I am mad!
GJ: I don't think he'd say something that nice about Mihoshi, unless
it was on the level of "she's really hot".
They both were blushing a deep red
ZR: Very aroused already. This author sure moves fast...
and looking
down. Niether of them could believe the situation. Silence went on for ten
minutes
GJ: I smell a Dragonball Z crossover!
ZR: Why?
GJ: Nothing happened for ten minutes. That's an average DBZ pace of
events.
until Kiyone suddenly felt something touch her arm.
DS: It was Noboyuki.
GJ (Noboyuki): Hurry up with the lemon scene, I want to get it on film!
It was Mihoshi. She
was standing in front of Kiyone holding her arm.
ZR (Mihoshi holding her arm): I fell and I have a boo-boo on my arm.
Kiyone could almost see tears
in her eyes.
"I...I love you Kiyone" Kiyone completely melted inside
DS (Mihoshi): OK, I think you're ready to take out of the oven!
as Mihoshi ran
away crying. But Kiyone caught her by the arm before she got to the door.
GJ: Even molten, she's pretty fast!
"Mihoshi I...I love you too."
DS (Kiyone): I...I think you're somewhat attractive when you're
asleep, and I think your blond toe hair is nice. That will have
to suffice as "love" for the purposes of this lemon because the
author has no time for more.
ZR: What's with this "I...I" thing they're doing, anyway?
DS: I do not know, for I am...
ZR: Yeah, yeah, mad, I know!
DS: ...mad!
ZR: Will you stop that?
DS: I do not know... for I am mad!
ZR: Go to hell! Or at least Edmonton!
They both fell to the floor
ZR (Kiyone): Ow! My head! Mihoshi, you klutz!
in a passionate kiss.
Their arms and tounges
intertwined. It was only a minute but to Kiyone it seemed like an eternity.
They
finally broke
DS: First molten, now broken... this author really hates poor Kiyone.
an Kiyone lay staring into Mihoshi sweet,innocent eyes.
[All right here's the lemon part. if there are still any kids there, hey
like i said before FUCK OFF!!
GJ (author): Like I said, if you're underage go write your own, like I
did!
now back to the lemon]
Kiyone's hand wandered down to Mihoshi's breasts.
(Smolken suddenly sticks a finger down his throat and vomits profusely)
ZR: What's wrong?
GJ: What the hell?
DS: Well, every MST seems to have vomiting during lemon scenes.
I have no idea why, but I think it's an important tradition,
and therefore...
GJ: Fool! I think other MSTers vomit because the fics make them
sick!
DS: Oh. Well, I thought it was a pointless tradition, so I decided to
make it interesting by eating lots of alphabet soup.
ZR: Yes. We can see that.
GJ: Hey - you spelled "MYNAMEISPAULMCCARTNEY"!
ZR: That's creepy... let's just get back to the fic and let Washu clean
this mess up later.
GJ (alphabet soup Nazi): And no more alphabet soup for you!
She pulled off her top
(with no objection from Mihoshi) and lay there admiring her perfect round
tits.
Her nipples looked the size of a quarter and were standing strait up.
ZR: Whose tits is the author talking about here?
GJ: I have no idea.
DS: I also do not know, for I am mad!
ZR: No, I think the author's stupid, and you're not mad, you're just
being annoying!
DS: Perhaps, but that I cannot know, for I am mad!
GJ: Can we trade that guy for Xellos? He'd be less annoying...
ZR: That... is a secret.
DS: A secret I do not know, for the madness has taken away my reason.
Therefore, it logically and reasonably follows that I cannot know
the
secret.
(Garlic Junior growls and Rowsdower sighs)
Kiyone
brushed her hand along Mihoshi's nipples, making her shutter
GJ: Like a camera lens shutter, or like a window shutter?
DS: I do not know, for I am mad!
GJ: No, the author is a moron! I very much doubt you're half as
mad as you claim to be.
and moan with
delight. She massaged Mihoshi's tit
DS: It appears Mihoshi only has one tit now. I wonder what happened
to the other one?
ZR: This fic definitely raises more questions than it answers.
GJ: The main one being "What the hell is wrong with this guy?"
ZR: That answer would probably take up several volumes, so let's
just drop it, OK?
withe her left hand and then she started to
lick and suck mihoshi's right nipple.
"Ohhhhhhhh
DS (clearing throat): Hhhhhhhhhhh!
yes." she moaned softly. Mihoshi's hand s trailed down kiyone's
spine. She started to massage Kiyone's firm ass. Then she removed the bottom
of
her swim suit and rubbed the area by her pussy.
ZR: If this was in character, Mihoshi'd slip, fall and accidentally
set off the ship's self-destruct mechanism.
DS: Don't expect any more in-character behavior; the typical lemon
features an introductory paragraph of cliched behavior followed by
several horribly OOC pages.
GJ (character development Nazi): No character development for you!
This made Kiyone shiver
DS (Kiyone shivering): It's a bit cold in here... why are we wearing
swimsuits on the spaceship, again?
and moan. Kiyone then released Mihoshi's well
massaged tits
ZR: ...on $50000 bail...
and moved down to position her face above Mihoshi's now sopping
wet pussy.
"Please Kiyone..." Mihoshi urged her down.
ZR (Mihoshi): Not there... lick my kneecaps! I have this fetish...
"Your gonna have to beg me Mihoshi." She said with a devious smile.
"Please...lick my...c...cunt."
With that Kiyone went at it hungrily moving her tounge over her hard clit,
over and over. Making her overflow with juice. Then moving her tounge into
her
love tunnel, now well satirated with juice. Kiyone thankfuly lapped at the
juice. It was unlike anything she'd ever tasted. Almost like peaches and
cream.
ZR (Kiyone): Have you been keeping peaches and cream up your pussy?
Suddenly she reached a barrier. she was very supprised.
GJ (Kiyone): Hey, you got a peach pit stuck there!
ZR: Damit... if you weren't a powerful demon I'd kick your ass!
DS: It seems the author starts dropping periods everywhere when
excited.
ZR: Tank Cop used exclamation points instead. Punctuation fetishists,
I guess.
"Mihoshi your a virgin?!"
GJ (Kiyone): That's great! I need one to sacrifice to Garlic Junior!
ZR: Right. You wish.
Mihoshi's eyes looked very guilty and she turned
away. "Don't be sad. I...I am too."
ZR: Hey, there's that I...I thing again.
(Garlic Junior shrugs)
Mihoshi looked at her in disbelief. "You are?" Kiyione nodded. "Wow so
were really sharing something special."
GJ (Mihoshi): We're both social retards who can't get laid!
DS: They're sharing that with the author, too.
GJ: Awww... Well, the author definitely is "special", anyway.
Kiyone nodded then pushed in hard with her tounge. It broke and she
started to bleed.
ZR: WHAT?
DS: Kiyone pushed in hard with her tongue (as opposed to her tounge).
It (Kiyone's tongue) broke and she (Kiyone) started to bleed.
ZR: That's what I thought... and that's why I asked "WHAT?"
GJ: Stupid author.
ZR: Ah. Yes.
"Ouch! That hurt..."
DS: Exploding tongues tend to.
"I'm sorry Mihoshi, I just..."
GJ (Kiyone): ...made a horrible bloody mess of my tongue all over
your groin. I thought it would turn you on.
ZR: I hope I don't have to do any PhuckNut or Alienboy fics with
this guy...
"Thats okay, it's better now just...keep going." Again Kiyone smiled that
devious smile of hers but kept going without a second urging.
She cold now reach her tounge even deeper into Mihoshi. She hurgily lapped
up her sweet jucices and tickled at her clit. This went on for about twenty
minutes
GJ: I see. Kiyone's superhuman power is incredible tongue stamina.
until, finally.
ZR: They noticed Sasami, who's been standing in the corner all along.
"Oh...God Kiyone,
GJ (Kiyone): That's "Goddess Kiyone" to you!
yes, please. Oh yes. Lick me. Oh Lick me deeper.
DS (Mihoshi in a monotone): Yes. Please. I'm not excited enough
to use exclamation points. Lick me. Deeper. And more boring.
ZR: Mr. Schjmo seems to think that tongues are best used for
penetration.
DS: Perhaps he thinks that tongues are as large and firm as penises.
GJ: Probably because he's using his own penis for reference.
OH GOD
YES KIYONE I'M GONNA CUUUUUUUUUUUM!!!"
Mihoshi sprayed Kiyone's face with her cum. Kiyone drank it gratefully.
For three minutes Mihoshi's mind blowing orgasm lasted.
ZR (snickering): Why don't you just say "for sixty-eight minutes".
GJ: Or for the remaining eleven days of their vacation, for that
matter.
ZR: The author must have been thinking "my stupid lemon's orgasm
is longer than your stupid lemon's orgasm".
Then Kiyone moved up and
kissed Mihoshi. Feeding her her own juices.
ZR (Mihoshi): Eww! That's gross! Where'd you get that idea - gay
porn?
They lay there, resting for a
moment...
ZR: ...and, just like in every one of these lemons, lesbian sex caused
Mihoshi to stop making mistakes and Kiyone to stop blowing her top.
Ah, the miracles of love...
DS (singing hoarsely): We can be healed by the passions of lesbian
priiiiiide!
GJ: My contract says I'm not allowed to whack you, so... Rowsdower?
(Rowsdower thwacks Smolken on the back of the head)
ZR: Damit, stop that! You singing that is more disturbing than
any of Garlic Junion's sick lines!
End...for now
DS: What? I thought he said "on with the fucking story"... this was
just an oral sex story!
GJ: Feel cheated?
DS: No, rather relieved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Well what do you think of my first one.
ZR: It was actually quite amusing - lemons written by people who
have no idea about sex often are.
GJ: As are fanfics written by people who've apparently never
seen the series. I'll say it was better than my eternal
imprisonment
in a void, but that's not saying much.
DS: It was boring, stupid and predictable. Even your mistakes have
been made before, and made with more style.
It may seem a little clicheish
DS: The word "clicheish" is, in fact, more original than your fic.
but to
tell the truth i wouldn't have any experience in the matter. Yes I'M A
VIRGIN!!!*
ZR: You don't have to tell us, dear. We can tell from the story...
Anywho for questions, comments, ridicule just E-Mail me at
Mardev@peoplepc.com
GJ: No, I don't think so. We'll post the ridicule for the whole world
to read.
My name is Mr. Schjmo and thats all i have so say for now.
GJ: Oh, we've still got a few things left to say to you...
I'm also 14
DS: That's odd. This read more like it was written by a 10-year-old.
GJ: It read like someone whose "wet dreams" involve urine, not semen.
ZR: Although it does seem that he's carried through his belief that
it's OK for kids to write lemons but not read them, and skipped
the proofreading stage.
(The screen goes dark, nine doors click open, and the MSTers exit the
theater. They are met by Washu, who is furiously clicking away at
some machinery.)
Washu: This concludes today's experiment. Let me just take some final
measurements and I'll send you guys back home.
GJ: Do I have to go?
Washu: Yes. Definitely.
ZR: Before you send him back, please explain the concept of not giving
authors ideas.
Washu: Hm. You may have a point, but if he does, that will just give
me more material to experiment on you guys with!
ZR: Do you really want necrophiliac lesbian lemons?
Washu: Hm. You do have a point there. But Yosho in a leather mini...
that I might like. But I have a better solution for you to test for
our next MST - the Garlic Press, to press Garlic Junior with when he
acts up.
GJ: The fic was bad enough, but I'm liking you less and less...
DS: We will gladly test that for you!
ZR: I hope you can get it finished in time.
Washu (removing the metal discs from the MSTers foreheads): Of course
I can!
Washu puppet A: She is Washu! She is a genius!
Washu puppet B: She can do it!
Washu: Well, I'll send you guys home and get to work on the Garlic
Press, then.
Washu puppets: Hooray for Washu!
So, Washu's first experiment is complete... will she find a way to
make Tenchi grow a pair of balls? Even if she does, would she really do
that? What terrors will she subject our heroes to next? How well will the
Garlic Press work? Does anyone care for these short mega-crossover fics
about
the MSTers? Rather than answer any of that, we'll give you some author's
notes.
Direct any ire, comments or raven skulls to smolken@spacemoose.com.
I really have little interest in "normal" fanfics, but I like good MSTs, so
I picked a random short bad lemon and went at it. I do have an odd cast of
MSTers, but after all Rowsdower and Smolken are from movies that were on
MST3K, and Garlic Junior provides the anime insider perspective. At least I
didn't go with Noboyuki, Azaka and Kamidake. Thanks to Cyrus "Rowsdower"
Marriner for encouragement and giving me back my alphabet soup, and to
countless MSTers for inspiration.
And now, your moment of Zen:
Kiyone nodded then pushed in hard with her tounge. It broke and she
started to bleed.
"Ouch! That hurt..."