Contrivance MST 1.01
By Nullstate
I make no claim on any characters within this MST save Lee, Alex, and
Michael. I do however make a claim on the Multi-Dimensional Persona Compression
Contrivance Contraption(tm). Tenchi Muyo is copyrighted material of AIC,
Kadokawa Shoten Publishing, and Pioneer. Mystery Science Theater 3000 is
copyrighted to Best Brains Inc. Happy Birthday (at least the version in this
MST) is the intellectual property of "Weird Al" Yankovic. Any other copyrighted
material which may or may not appear in MST are the property of their respective
owners.
The story riffed in this MST is a lemon. If you are not of legal age to view
such content please read no further. Thank you.
The scene was a dimly lit room; its only light came from a doorway to the
right. The approaching sound of footsteps were audible. The room grew darker as
a shadowy figure fills the doorway.
"Hmm... I thought she said this was ready..." the person whispered in an
absent way. The person leaned right patting, swatting, and generally feeling
about for a light switch. "D'oh!" his voice rang out as he came to a sudden
realization. "...blasted switch is on the other side." He reached left finding
the object of his search with no trouble, well no more than he'd already had.
Bright lights flared temporary blinding the young man and revealing a
large, old-fashioned theater. Blinking to clear the last purple phantoms from
his eyes, the man looked around in awe. Whistling in appreciation of the
combination of tradition, comfort, and the hi-tech marvels he knew lay hidden
underneath the theaters outward appearance, he smiled. "I think this'll do."
Taking only long enough to adjust his yellow-lensed glasses, he turned leaving
the theater behind. ...pity he forgot to turn off the lights.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Have you seen the theater yet?" Asked the young man from before as he
entered the dinning room.
"Yes, I have Lee." Answered the large, middle-aged man who sat at the
table reading. "Someone had to help Alex, and you weren't around." He still
hadn't looked up from his book.
Blushing slightly, Lee tried to switch the topic. " So wha'cha reading,
Mike?"
"Dimensional Theory and Astral Physics." Michael deadpanned, and then
continued after a beat. "The latest No Need for Tenchi manga you idiot, and
DON"T CALL ME MIKE!" Michael yelled, glaring at Lee.
Smiling nervously and rubbing the back of his neck Lee attempted to wipe
away the large sweatdrop that had appeared there. "Sorry, Michael. Well, as
you're a Tenchi fan I think you'll like the what I picked to christen our new
fic-theater with."
"We're going to do a Tenchi fic?" Michael's eyes sparkled and his grin was
so wide Lee momentarily wondered if its corners were going to meet at the back
of Michael's head.
"Err... yeah. I've already uploaded character list." Lee answered
nervously.
"Great! I'll go warm up the equipment." Michael dashed out of a door
opposite the one Lee entered through.
Lee blinked. He was so astonished by the abrupt departure that he didn't
even think of the disgusting double meaning of Michael's words. After a moment
he recovered and sat down in the place Michael vacated, and started to read the
manga that Michael dropped in his hurry to leave.
"So Mikey, has our bum of a leader gotten back yet?" a young red-head in
coveralls asked as she walked into the dinning area paying more attention the
grease she was wiping off of her hands then who is actually sitting at the table.
"Yes, he has." Lee answered putting down the book.
The woman stood frozen and gape-mouthed as she stared at the "bum" in
question. The rag she had been wiping her hands clean with fell unnoticed to the
floor.
"Nice to see you too, Alex." Lee finished.
Alex started to make quiet, inarticulate sounds which rapidly increased in
volume along with the deepening blush on her cheeks. "i.ir.wo.euw..haanu.." She
started pointing at Lee. She looked like she was trying to stab the air with
index finger. "You...You...YOU..."
"Yep, it's me, me, me." Lee smiled at her and put his feet up on the
table, enjoying the show.
"You BASTARD!" she screamed as anger replaced embarrassment.
"Yes I am." He answered in a voice that sounded like cross between deadpan
and pride. "I saw the theater. You did a really great job."
Alex lost her anger, as the unexpected compliment threw off her momentum,
and reduced her to blushing again. "You did? I did? I mean thanks. That's very
nice of you to say."
"Not really. Just telling the truth. Sorry I wasn't here to help, but I
wanted to find the right fic to start off with. It's a Tenchi fic." Lee waved
the manga at Alex. "Michael was so excited when I told him he ran off to get the
Multi-Dimensional Persona Compression Contrivance Contraption(tm) ready." Lee
smiled, but then started to look worried. "He does know how to run that thing
right?"
"Of course he does." Alex replied a bit testily. "A child could run the
MDPCCC(tm). It's perfectly safe, so long as it has adequate power."
Lee started to feel a vague sense of worry. "What exactly do you mean
'adequate power'?"
"Don't worry about it. We're in a massive space station, complete with
it's own power supply." Alex answered.
Taking his feet off the table and sitting upright, Lee continued. "Are you
sure... I don't want one of us to be doing the laundry or something and have
this place explode because someone else is trying to bring in composite game or
anime characters." Despite her assurances, his unease was growing. He felt like
he was forgetting something...
Alex crossed her arms and started tapping her foot in annoyance. "Don't be
ridiculous. Only some major systems, like propulsion, defense, and the
occasional experiment could draw enough away to be a problem."
Suddenly remembering what he had forgotten, and Alex's continued
reassurance, caused Lee to relax. " Oh, great. I was afraid something like
leaving the theater lights on might be a problem." He sighed.
Alex foot stopped mid-tap as she paled. "What?"
"I just realized the reason I felt so nervous was I forgot to turn the
lights off in the theater." Lee laughed. "Funny I'd forget something like that
seeing how bright they are and me being light-sensitive and all." He adjusted
his glasses as a reminder of his small problem.
Alex bigsweated. "You... left... the lights on... in the..." her voice
trailed off.
*-KA-BOOM!-*
An explosion rocked the station and everything went dark.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Later in the lounge...
"Lee no Baka!" chorused a pair off voices, one in obvious pain.
"I said I was sorry..." Lee pleaded with his crew. "How was I supposed to
know the MDPCCC(tm) would explode just because the lights were left on in the
theater?"
"It did NOT explode." Explained a rather frustrated Alex. "The underlying
systems activated along with the theater's lights, in conjunction with the
MDPCCC(tm), was to much of a strain on the stations power supply. As a result,
one of the generators overloaded and the primary protection grid exploded. Of
course that did result in some other small explosions."
"I can't say I saw much difference." Michael grumbled. His arm was in a
sling, and he looked slightly crispy in the places clothing and bandages don't
cover. Luckily the only hair he'd lost as a result of the accident was his
eyebrows, but he didn't see that as much consolation.
"If the Multi-Dimensional Persona Compression Contrivance Contraption(tm)
HAD exploded everything in this local group would have gone with it." Alex
growled.
"Okay, let's just be glad we're all still in one piece, and not one long
smear. What's our current status?"
"Well the MDPCCC(tm) is going to take a while to fix. I have to fabricate
some large parts that we don't have on hand." Alex said with a sigh. "We are
running at about fifty percent of optimal power, so we couldn't run it anyway. I
can have the power fixed in a few hours with a bit of help, but part replication
and repair for the MDPCCC(tm) will take some time."
"Well don't look at me. I'm in bad enough shape right now without trying
to crawl around the generators." Michael grimaced in pain as he readjusted his
sling.
"Yeah, I know." Alex wiped her brow before continuing. "To top everything
off the theater's main lights all blew out, but the secondary lighting is enough
to get around by."
"Secondary lighting?" asked Lee.
"Don't you know anything about this place? It is supposed to be yours, you
know." Michael glowered at Lee who just shrugged.
"The secondary lighting is a faint overhead light and a set of dim lights
in the isles so people can see where they are going in case they have to leave
suddenly." Explained Alex. "Anyway, that's all the major damages. By the way,
how many did we get before my machine died?"
Lee and Alex turned to Michael for his answer. "Well, we didn't get any
complete composites. Basically no memories or personality traits were pulled
from any Pretty Sammy sources, and only limited traits from the movies. The
people we have are combinations of OAV, TV, and Manga versions of the... people
we did get."
"Yes, but who did we get?" chorused Alex and Lee.
"Tenchi, Ryoko, Aeyka, and Noboyuki. They're fine, but need some extra
time to rest. The trip, not to mention the arrival, took a lot out of them."
Michael sighed.
"That's all we got?" Lee asked in disappointment.
"You'd better be glad that's all we did get. Because they aren't going to
be able to leave until everything's fixed." Alex pointed out. She began to
massage her temples. "I wish we had gotten Washu though. I could have used the
help." So saying she left to start the repairs.
"So are we still going ahead with the plan?" Michael asked.
"Might as well. We'll fill our guests in tomorrow after everyone's
rested." Lee replied as he and Michael headed off as well.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The following day the stations guests and crew gathered in the lobby
outside the theater. The guests were having varying degrees of success in
absorbing exactly what had happened to them. Hey, being combined with several
differing versions of yourself will do that to a person. However, they all had
one question on their minds.
"Would someone care to explain to me why we are here?" Ayeka, first
princess of Jurai in any of the universes she came from, asked.
"Well, the idea is simple." Lee spread his hands and smiled. "It's our
belief that you deserve to see some the good that's sprung from the minds of
your fans, and more importantly ridicule some of the horrendous garbage a few of
them dream up."
Aeyka bigsweated, but managed to maintain a regal appearance otherwise. "I
am sorry that I asked."
"Uh...excuse me...uh..." Tenchi began, but felt awkward continuing without
knowing this odd man's name.
"Oh, manners. Right. I'm Lee Jeffries. The eyebrowless, mummy-impersonator
is Michael Tibbs, and the lady in the one-piece is Alexandria Samson." Both
Michael and the coverall-clad Alex glared at Lee. He chose to ignore them.
"Well...uh...Lee, what do you mean by fans?" Tenchi managed to finish.
"He means people like Michael." Alex answered, pointing at Michael. He had
taken out an autograph book, which he was begging Noboyuki to sign.
"Huh?" was Tenchi's only response.
"Well, Tenchi...can I call you Tenchi? Good. In our universe the various
forms of you that were combined in bringing you here, are thought of as
fictional characters. In fact the entire realities you came from are thought to
be fake, but a certain theory exists that states that all possibilities are
played out in different dimensions. So if that was true then a reality must
exist where everything is as it is in these supposed pieces of fiction. We
figured out a way to bring together a unique version of you with all the
elements found in the different yous from these realities. Get it?"
All the guests, except Noboyuki who was busy signing Michael's book,
replied in unison. "No. Not at all."
"We'll in that case don't worry about it." Lee grinned.
Everyone else facefaulted.
Alex rubbed the sore spot on her forehead as she stood up. "Can we just
get started?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
CASEFILE #1
The Contrivance Crew & The Tenchi Gang (some of them at least) view:
Tenchi and his Gay Lovers
Let the beating begin! (Not like that you perv!)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The seating order from left to right is: Noboyuki, Ryoko, Tenchi, Ayeka, Lee,
Alex, and a very unhappy Michael has drawn recording duty placing him in the
projection booth above the theater.
Ryoko (To Lee and Alex): So is this a good fic or garbage?
>Tenchi and his Gay Lovers
Ryoko (quietly): Forget I asked.
Tenchi, Ayeka, & Noboyuki (in shock): ......
>Another screwed up fic from a screwed up person, AAA-PhuckNut
Alex (angrily): Our first fic and you pick something by THIS guy!?!
Lee: It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tenchi: ...a screwed up person... at least he's honest.
>Disclaimer:
>I do not own these characters,
Everyone: Thank goodness!
>Pioneer and AIC do. I make no claims
>to them.
Ryoko: PhuckNut better not try to make a claim on my Tenchi!
Ayeka: YOUR Tenchi!
(Ryoko & Ayeka lunge for each other with the intent to maim.)
Alex (sweatdrop): And we haven't even reached the actually story yet.
Tenchi (caught in the middle of the fight): Stop it! This is bad enough without
you two making it worse!
(Everyone stops and looks at Tenchi, who actually looks stern and intimidating.)
Lee: Wow. I didn't think he had it in him.
Noboyuki (quietly to himself): That's my boy.
>_________________________________________________________________________
Ayeka: Detach lower portion, crumple into a ball along with upper portion, and
insert into the nearest incinerator.
> Tenchi awoke from his good nights sleep, but didnt see Ryoko anywhere
>to greet him,
Ryoko: Oh, how OOC is this? Of course I'd be there.
Tenchi and Ayeka (depressed): We know.
Ryoko: Huh?
>"Uh oh, Ryoko isnt around, I better be careful, she might try to ambush
>me!" Tenchi said very nervously.
(Alex and Lee hum the theme to jaws.)
Tenchi: Please don't do that.
(Alex and Lee stop.)
(Tenchi sighs in relief.)
(Ryoko and Noboyuki start humming from where Lee and Alex left off.)
(Tenchi cringes.)
> Tenchi cautiously got out of his bed and got dressed and slowly
Ayeka (straining towards the screen): Then that means Lord Tenchi was nude
before.
Ryoko (bolting upright): HELLO!
(Tenchi blushes and tries to sink into his seat.)
>headed out of his room,
>
>"Oh god please, Oh god please, please dont let her jump me!" prayed
>Tenchi.
Ryoko (turns to Tenchi teary eyed.): Do really you hate me so much?
(Tenchi opens his mouth but can't think of anything to say that won't make the
situation worse.)
(Ayeka starts giggling.)
Noboyuki: Tenchi, Tenchi, Tenchi. You should be glad that such a beautiful young
lady thinks so much of you.
(Ayeka rounds on Noboyuki.)
Noboyuki (frightened): I..I ...I mean to have TWO such beau... no ...gorgeous
young women care for him.
(Ayeka turns her attention back to the fic.)
(Ryoko is still staring at Tenchi.)
>"Why cant these girls just figure it out already! Cant they tell im not
>interested in them?! Im into MEN!!" Tenchi thought to himself.
Ryoko: Urk
Ayeka: ...wha...
Tenchi: o_0
Alex (gape mouthed): ......
(Lee looks nervously from side to side expecting all hell to break loose)
Michael (from the booth): Sweet mother of...
Noboyuki: ....nnNNOOOOOOO!!!! Why son!? Why? I'll never be a grandfather. It all
makes sense now. Horrible, horrible sense. (breaks down crying like a
little lost boy)
(Everyone else is startled out of their daze by Noboyuki's outburst and turn to
Lee with menace in their gaze.)
Tenchi (menacingly): You...you mad my dad cry.
Lee: Oh poopy.
(Every except Noboyuki and Michael jump Lee and pound the living daylights out
of him)
Lee: Ow. Ow! Hey I gotta bruise there! YEOW! (various sounds of pain and
dismemberment continue to ring out)
> Tenchi went down to the kitchen, luckily avoiding Ryoko and Ayeka,
(As Noboyuki is busy crying and everyone else is beating Lee senseless...)
Michael (in the booth): Guess I'd better take over riffing for a bit...
>and was greeted by a smiling Sasami,
Michael: Meanwhile a pouting Sasami ignored him and a frowning Sasami flipped
him the bird.
>
>"Hi Tenchi! Good morning!" said Sasami.
>
>"Oh hi Sasami, the food smells great, like always" said Tenchi.
Michael (as Tenchi): Even the spoiled leftovers you threw out yesterday. The
smell alone has my mouth watering.
Lee (high pitched): Iiiiieeee! (soprano and through gritted teeth) Alex that was
low. (Lee curls into a fetal position on the ground clutching his latest
injury)
(Everyone else retakes their seats)
Tenchi (to Alex): I can't say didn't deserve that, but did you have to hit him
there? *shudder* ...hurts me just thinking about it.
Alex: Yes. I did.
>"I bet you cant wait for your birthday in just 5 days!!" Sasami said
>happily.
>
>"Oh ya! It will be fun!" said Tenchi.
Ryoko: Not as fun as beatin the crap outta bright boy there.
Ayeka: I whole-heartedly agree, Miss Ryoko.
Alex: One of life's great pleasures.
Lee (getting up, completely uninjured): Really?
Alex: Eep!
Lee: I'll talk to you later. (Readjusts his glasses and sits down) Tenchi, how's
Nobyuki doing?
(Tenchi looks over and see Noboyuki has stopped crying and seem to be just
staring off into space.)
Tenchi: He's still out of it.
Lee: I'm really sorry. I had no idea he'd react so badly to this.
Tenchi: I guess it's... not really your fault. I blame the sicko who wrote this,
this...
Ayeka: Painfully, misguided, piece of degeneration?
Ryoko: Worthless, hopeless, disgusting, crap?
Noboyuki (curled up in his seat): Sick, just sick!
Alex: I'm with Noboyuki on this one.
> The rest of the gang showed up for breakfast too. And much to
>Tenchi's dismay, Ryoko and Ayeka glomped all over him.
(Ryoko and Ayeka turn sad, angry glares on Tenchi)
Tenchi (panicky): It's just a fic! Blame the author. Blame PhuckNut!
> (5 days later)
Ryoko: Tenchi came to his senses and ask the lovely space pirate, Ryoko to marry
him.
Ayeka: Why would Lord Tenchi ask YOU to marry him when he can have someone as
wonderful as me?
Ryoko: You want the list?
Ayeka: That is it! Let's go!
(Ayeka and Ryoko engage in a small bout of warfare. This time Tenchi just ducks
and runs, grabbing the still dazed Noboyuki as he goes. Alex and Lee
follow suit.)
>___________________________________________________________________________
> Tenchi woke up extra early because he was so excited that it was
>his birthday today,
Michael (from the booth): Place your bets! Place your bets! Who will win in this
knock-down drag-out brawl? Ryoko or Ayeka?!
Lee: What's the odds?
Michael: Even money.
Alex: I put fifty on Ryoko!
Lee: Twenty on Ayeka. She seems extra feisty today.
Tenchi: How can you bet on something like this! One of them could get hurt!
Right dad?
Noboyuki (finally coming around): Four hundred says neither of them wins.
Tenchi: DAD!
Noboyuki: Lighten up Tenchi, my boy. They do this often enough, and for once we
can make money from it instead of loosing it in repairs.
Michael: Alright! You're covered.
Tenchi: I can't believe this.
>"Yes! Its my birthday!! WOOHOO!!" Tenchi cheered.
Tenchi: No it isn't.
(The battle rages on in the middle of theater.)
Alex: Go Ryoko! Kick her in her royal highness!
Lee: Come on Princess. You can take her!
(Plasma meets shield in a huge explosion that sends both combatants flying.)
Michael (watching the carnage from the safety of the booth): Maybe recording
duty isn't so bad after all.
(Ryoko lands in heap near one of the theater's walls while Ayeka ends up head
over heels and sprawled across a few seats. Both are singed and
unconscious, but otherwise are unhurt.)
Noboyuki: YES! Four hundred dollars US!
Michael: Damn...
(Tenchi runs to see if the girls are okay. Michael pauses the fic.)
Lee & Alex: I can't believe I lost.
(The girls have recovered and everyone returns to there seats. Tenchi alternates
between the two of them expressing concern and asking that they please
not kill each other.)
Lee: Okay Mike, roll it.
Michael: DON'T CALL ME MIKE!
> Just then Ryoko phased through the ceiling, totaly naked, and
>landed on top of Tenchi,
Alex (doing a muffled Tenchi impression): Mee-oe-mph uh mnk ur mms mm mpht mph.
Noboyuki: What?
Alex (normally): I said "Ryoko I think your aims a bit off."
Noboyuki: Ah...OH!
(Tenchi, and Ayeka turns bright red as Ryoko smiles.)
Lee: Alex! I'm shocked.
>"Oh Tenchi!! Happy birthday my sexy little man!!" Ryoko said seductivly.
Ayeka: Miss Ryoko, you are speaking to the wrong end.
Tenchi: Ayeka!
>"Please Ryoko!! Not today!!" said Tenchi angrily.
Lee (as Tenchi): Tomorrows fine, but just not today. I've got a busy schedule.
>"But Tenchi, why? Dont you want me?!" pouted Ryoko.
Noboyuki, Ryoko, & Alex (singing): If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
come on sugar let me know.
(Ayeka leans over and whispers in Tenchi's ear while Ryoko isn't looking. Tenchi
eyes grow wide and he appears paralyzed. Ayeka leans back in her seat
grinning.)
Lee (quietly to Ayeka): What was that all about?
Ayeka: I was just offering Lord Tenchi something better, and that is all you
need know.
Lee: Wha...? (Looks over and notices that the only movement from Tenchi is a
thin trail of blood dripping from his nose.)
(Ryoko finishing singing and notices the nosebleed. She leans back content for
the moment believing it was caused by a combination of the offers in the
story and the song.)
>"You know that I dont like it when you do this!!
Noboyuki (as Tenchi): You really need to look where you're landing.
Tenchi: Enough of that joke already.
>And plus todays
Alex: Christmas?
Ayeka: Startica?
Lee: The day of the Toudai entrance exam?
Noboyuki: New years day?
Michael: The first day of the rest of my life?
Ryoko: A wonderful day in the neighborhood?
(Everyone including the Tenchi in the fan-fic turn and look at Ryoko.)
Lee: You watch that show?
Ryoko: Yeah. So?
Everyone else: Nevermind.
>my birthday and the least you can do is, do what I ask!" Tenchi
>said angrily.
Tenchi: I...uh...I mean HE technically hasn't asked anything yet. He's made a
lot of demands, but he hasn't asked a single question.
Ryoko: Maybe he's going to ask for something _special_.
(Ayeka bristles.)
Alex: I doubt it. Remember the title.
(Everyone shudders.)
> Ryoko pouted
Ryoko (indignantly): I do NOT pout! (She turns her head from the screen and
sulks.)
Lee: Then what do you call that?
(Ayeka giggles.)
Ryoko (to Lee): You are one smart ass comment away from another beating.
> then phased through the wall and headed towards
>her room.
Alex (to Ryoko): Do you even have a room?
Ryoko (scratches her head): Depends. In one of the universe you pulled me from I
do. In another I usually sack out in the shed at night. Aside from that, no.
Michael (crying in the booth): It's so sad. Tenchi! Why can't she have her own
room? Everyone else has one.
Tenchi: Well...I...um....it's not like there are really any rooms left, you
know.
Ryoko: Well, my Tenchi, I can think of one solution.
Tenchi: It's not sleeping in my room is it?
(Noboyuki just shakes his head, but says nothing.)
>"If only Ryoko was a guy then things would be different!!" Tenchi thought
>to himself happily.
Lee: Ack! That detail again.
Ryoko: It's not really that way is it Tenchi?
Ayeka: Of course it is not. Right Lord Tenchi?
Tenchi: No! How can you even ask me that?
> Tenchi got dressed and headed downstairs for breakfast,
Ryoko (Head swings towards the screen): Hey, he was naked again.
Ayeka (Looking at the screen too): Drat. Missed it.
>"Good morning Tenchi!! I cooked your favorite because its your
>birthday!!" Sasami beamed happily.
>
>"Oh thank you very much Sasami!" said Tenchi.
>
> Tenchi ate his breakfast very happily and went through the
>rest of his day like usual, getting a "happy birthday!" from everyone.
Noboyuki: Well, actually the store was out of "happy birthday"s, but I found a
"hoppy bithday" half off.
Tenchi (sarcastically): Thanks Dad, you're all heart.
Alex: Sounds like some thing my mom would do.
>_________________________________________________________________________
> Later on, around 6 p.m., everyone was gathered around inside the
>living room,
>
>"Happy birthday Tenchi!!" said everyone except Tenchi.
Ayeka (to Tenchi): So what did you say, Lord Tenchi?
Tenchi: Hoppy Bithday.
(Everyone but Tenchi and Ayeka get large sweatdrops on the back of there heads.)
>"Oh thank you guys very much!" said Tenchi.
Alex: So the girls aren't good enough to deserve a thank you?
Lee: Alex, I think that PhuckNut meant everyone present when he wrote "guys".
>"I baked you a special chocolate cake!" Sasami said as she brought out
Tenchi: A brand new car!
>the cake.
Noboyuki: So why's it special?
Ryoko (as Sasami): I used jalapenos instead of chocolate. ^_^
Lee: Ryoko, unlike you Sasami can cook.
Ryoko: That's it! (Ryoko decks Lee sending him air mail across the theater to
strike the same wall she landed near early.)
Lee (standing up shakily and swaying back and forth): F-four-rty-twoooo... (Lee
falls to the ground unconscious.)
Alex (bitterly): Way to go Ryoko. You just gave that idiot a get-out-of-fic-free
card.
Ryoko: Oops. ^_^;;
>"Thanks! I love chocolate cake!" Tenchi said.
Tenchi: Actually I prefer vanilla.
Everyone else, save Lee: You would.
Tenchi: Huh?
> Yosho lit the candles on the cake and they sung happy birthday
>to Tenchi,
Everyone but Lee (singing): Happy birthday! Happy birthday to you!
Tenchi (singing): Well it's time to celebrate your birthday!
Ayeka (ditto): It happens every year!
Ryoko (ditto): We eat a lot of broccoli and drink a lot of beer!
Noboyuki (same old, same old): You should be feelin' that there's something you
can eat!
Alex (guess, go on guess): A million people everyday are starvin' in the street!
Michael (very off key): Your daddy's in the gutter with the wretched and the
poor!
Ayeka (singing): Your momma's in the kitchen with a can of cycle-4!
Ryoko (see above): There's garbage in the water!
Noboyuki (singing very well actually): There's poison in the sky!
Alex (singing): I guess it won't be long before we're all gonna die!
Tenchi (speaking, yep speaking): Come on boys and girls, sing along, okay?
Everyone but Lee (singing again): Happy birthday! Happy birthday to you!
Michael (in the booth): Man, I love that song.
>
>"Ok Tenchi!! make a wish!!" said Noboyuki.
Noboyuki: And it had better not involve sex with men!
>"I wish... I wish... I wish that all the girls in the house were
>boys!!" Tenchi thought to himself.
Noboyuki: Argghh!!!
> Tenchi then blew out the candles and everyone cheered.
Ryoko and Ayeka (drunk): CHEERS!
Tenchi: Hey! When and where did you get that sake?
Noboyuki: Nevermind that. Can I have some to dull that pain of this fic?
Ryoko (Passing the bottle): Shure ya can. *hic*
Ayeka: You *hic* you are Tenshi'z fadder avter all. *hic* 'scue me.
>Tenchi opened
Alex: Since when has Tenchi been a container?
Lee (full recovered and standing behind Alex): Beats me but what would you store
in him?
Alex: Ack! When did you wake up?
Lee: Just a moment to late to get any booze. (Points to the now empty bottle by
Noboyuki as he retakes his seat.)
Tenchi: Welcome back.
>all his gifts and they ate the cake.
>
>"Thank you all for a wonderful birthday!" said Tenchi.
Noboyuki: bithday *hic* hee hee
Ayeka: Wize the room spinnin'?
>"No problem Tenchi!!" everyone except Tenchi said happily.
Tenchi: Happily.
Alex: What?
Tenchi: It says "Tenchi said happily."
Lee: How much did you have?
Tenchi: None, but I think the fumes are getting to me.
> Tenchi then headed off for bed. He fell asleep pretty quickly
Ryoko: I'm na feelin sa gud.
(Ayeka's eyes seem to be spinning in her head, and Noboyuki is a disturbing
shade of green.)
Lee: Ah, Tenchi could you grab that bottle please.
Tenchi (swaying a bit in his seat): Sure thing, chief.
(Lee and Alex sweatdrop as Tenchi retrieves the bottle.)
Tenchi: Here ya go.
Lee: Um...thanks.
Alex (Reading the bottle over Lee's should): Condensed sake, just add water.
Makes 500... gallons...
(Lee and Alex look at one another.)
Alex: Oh...
Lee: ...poopy.
>and he had a wonderful dream about what his life would be like if
>the girls were actually boys.
Tenchi: Now theres a mental image I coulda done without.
(Ayeka, Noboyuki, and Ryoko all look like they could vomit any second.)
>________________________________________________________________________
> ((and heres where the shit hits the fan!)) - AAA-PhuckNut
Tenchi (with a semi-drunk goofy grin): Now that'd be a real nasty mess ta have
ta clean up.
(The heavily inebriated three's eyes go wide as Tenchi's remark penetrates their
alcohol soaked minds.)
The drunks: Urp! (Cue one volley of projectile vomiting.)
Tenchi: But not half as bad as this.
Lee: Urp! Can't hold it. (And another one spews.)
Alex: Not gonna... (then the smell reaches her.) *cough*
(And another one spews And another spews. Another one retches up! - ah-hem,
excuse me. It must be the fumes.)
Michael: Holy crap on a stick! (If his eyebrows hadn't been burned off they
would be raised in alarm.)
(Michael shuts down the fic and sends in the automated gurneys to retrieve the
five suddenly incapacitated MSTers. Tenchi, however just staggers out
giggling like a drunken fool.)
Michael: Good thing we have machines to clean this up.
(Michael hits the switch to send to cleaning droids into action before he leaves
the booth to head for sickbay.)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Ughh... Tastes like something crawled into my mouth and died" muttered
Ryoko from her bed in the stations sick bay.
"It could be worse" replied Michael as he surveyed the situation. Ayeka
was snoring loudly from her sickbed. Noboyuki was currently hooked to a stomach-
pump. Lee was sitting upright (more or less) clutching his head, it seems his
gurney rammed into a wall on the way here. And Alex was drinking a seltzer in an
attempt to settle her churning innards. Someone was missing. "Where's Tenchi?"
"He didn't come with us. I thought he was with you." Alex answered.
"No. Last time I saw him he was leaving the theater..." Michael said
scratching his chin.
"So you mean Tenchi's just wandering around the station?" Asked Ryoko as
she sat up. "But it's not like him to do that when someone he cares about is
sick."
"Well, he was pretty trashed. Strange as he did drink anything."
"Tenchi never was a big drinker, and now I guess I know why." Ryoko shook
her head, but regretted it as the room started spin. "Urp"
"Quick! Bucket!" ordered Alex. Michael managed to get the puke-pail into
position in time. Mercifully as it was part of the sickbays equipment it was
self-emptying.
"I think we'd better go find him." Lee said managing to ignore the sounds
of retching and 'I think I'm dying' emanating from Ryoko's bed.
"Well, we can't just leave THEM here in their shape." Replied Alex
pointing towards the stations other guests.
"I'll stay. I need to change my bandages anyways." Michael sat down and
started to gather some gauze and burn cream from a nearby drawer with his good
arm.
"Guess it's just us then" Lee said smiling at Alex who just rolled her
eyes.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A few minutes later Lee and Alex were on the stations bridge. "Isn't
there someway we can use the stations computer to track him down, Alex?"
"I'm afraid that went out when the power blew. He can't have gotten far
though, so if we seal this deck we'll have less of an area to search."
"Sounds good. We should probably split up to cover more ground, but how
are we going to stay in touch?" Lee asked.
"With these." Alex held out a semi-rectangular, box-like object to Lee.
"Walky-talkies?" Lee asked in complete disbelief. "We're on a space
station with some of the most advanced technology in this galaxy, and we are
using WALKY-TALKIES!?!"
"Hey, don't knock it! They'll do the job." Alex snapped growing impatient.
"I suggest you start in here. I'll head towards the guest quarters. Since I'm
going that way anyways I'll drop off a few more com devices-"
"Walky-talkies." Lee interrupted.
"-at the sick bay, incase Tenchi shows up there or anyone else feels up to
searching." Alex finished, ignoring Lee's comment.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Meanwhile somewhere else on the station...
"~nine-dee-nine bottlez o' beer *hic* on da wul *hic*, nin-dee...~" Tenchi
was staggering blindly about a dim corridor clutching a near empty bottle of
what appeared to be vodka. Judging from some nearby puddles and the wet spot on
the front of his shirt, he seemed to have spilled more of it on himself than he
had actually drank.
He stopped for a second, swaying, and held the bottle in front of his
face. "Ya know" he said to himself reflectively "thish shtufv ain't hav bad.
Donn know why I bin sho up *hic* uptight bout it... *hic*" So saying he swung
the bottleneck downwards to get another swig, completely missing his mouth and
spilling it on his shoulder instead. Feeling satisfied he grinned a little wider
and stumbled along on his merry way.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Between the treatment received at the sick bay and her own innate healing
abilities, Ryoko had recovered enough to start searching by the time Alex had
returned with the walki-err- I mean com devices. Alex quickly filled her in on
the current search pattern and asked her to start with the cargo hold. Ryoko's
powers were certain to make searching it an easier process, which sounded fine
to her.
On the way to said hold Ryoko's rapidly clearing mind began to form
thoughts of an entirely different nature. 'Tenchi's out there, alone, and
definitely less inhibited.... Hmm, guess I can wait to call in if I find him
first.' With that thought she switched off her walkie-talkie. As she continued
to imagine successful seduction and its rewards, Ryoko picked up her pace.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling to loudly?" groaned the
first princess of Jurai.
"Ah! Welcome back to the land of the living, princess" Michael was glad
she had finely coming around. Her snoring had practically been loud enough to
wake the dead.
Cringing at the unexpected audio onslaught, Ayeka had only one reply.
"Would you please be quite, and tell me what happened to me?"
"Well, you suffer from what might be the worst hangover you've ever had.
Seems either you or Ryoko somehow found the condensed sake I was saving." Taking
the hint, he had lowered his voice to nearly a whisper. "Still I don't think you
got the worst of it" at this Michael pointed to Noboyuki's bed. The man, the
myth, the pervert was no longer hooked to a stomach-pump, but he was wearing an
oxygen mask, and he had an IV in his arm leading to a half-empty drip-bag. "Here
drink this."
Turning here gaze from Mr. Masaki, she eyed the fizzing, pink liquid
offered to her. "What... is it?"
"A restorative. It should speed up your recovery from the dehydration your
suffering, and it will take the edge off your headache and any nausea you might
have." Smiling to reassure her, Michael actually got Ayeka to take the glass.
She sat upright, still eyeing the strange stuff. Now that it was in her
hands she noticed it was radiating warmth, but wasn't steaming. "Yes, but WHAT
is it?"
"No idea. It's what the medical program always gives it to us for
hangovers, but it works."
"So, you've had it before?"
"Oh, sure. Both Alex and I have to use it from time to time" answered
Michael.
"What about the other one, Lee wasn't it?"
"Oh, he never drinks" shrugged Michael.
Still not entirely certain, but willing to risk it to get rid of her
throbbing headache, Ayeka pinched her nose shut and downed the contents of the
glass. It wasn't really that bad.
"Actually, he can be bit of a pain at parties." Alex finished.
Not drinking even at parties. That sounded like someone Ayeka knew.
"Excuse me, ...Michael?" Ayeka began and received a nod from her would-be
nurse. "Michael, where is Tenchi?"
"Wweeellll...." Turning away Michael silently begged from something,
anything to divert the princess's attention.
"*KKZZTT* HEY, ANYONE THERE? *KZZTTT*" Lee's voice rang out from one of
the walkie-talkies on a nearby table. The volume caused Ayeka to wince.
Inwardly Michael breathed a sigh of relief, as he went to the table.
"Michael here. What's up? Any luck?" Michael said into the small plastic box as
he lowered the volume.
"*kzzkkt* Hey, Mike. Just checking in. I've finished searching this part
of the station, and wanted to see where I might want to look next. I was also
wondering if the batteries had died in this thing. *zkzzt*"
"*zktzk* Oh, give me some credit will you." Alex's interruption had
prevented Michael from forcibly reminding Lee that he was not to be addressed by
nicknames. "I'm almost finished searching the guest quarters, and there's no
sign of Tenchi. Are you having luck in the hold, Ryoko? *kztttzz*"
"*kzt* Ryoko's searching too? *zkzt*" Lee asked.
Ayeka sat listening to the conversation with growing worry.
"*kzztt* Yeah, that's why I asked, Sherlock. So, Ryoko, any sign of him?
*kzzt*" Alex's last transmission was met with only silence.
For Ayeka all the pieces fell into place. Tenchi was missing. Ryoko was
looking for him, alone. This was too familiar, and could lead to nothing good.
Michael felt a sudden gust of wind, an odd occurrence on a space station.
When he turned to look for the cause he saw he was missing a patient. "Guys,..."
Michael spoke into his com device. "Judging by the way Ayeka just bolted out of
here, I'd say you had better get to the cargo hold. Fast."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
For the past hour Ryoko had been eagerly searching for Tenchi, but as she
started to run out of places to look her enthusiasm waned. Maybe she shouldn't
have turned off the walkie-talkie. They may have already found Tenchi. What if
he had been hurt? What he was in the sick bay now, asking to see her?
She was just reaching down to turn the cheap plastic device back on when
she heard the sound of clinking bottles. "Huh?" She floated higher to see what
the source of the noise might be, and there he was.
Tenchi lay with his back on large, circular pad, his shirt unbuttoned and
his shoes and socks completely missing. He was surrounded by several empty
liquor bottles, and a few partially filled ones. His arms were outstretched to
his sides, and he held a bottle, between his feet, over his open mouth trying to
get the last few drops out of it.
'He's so cute like this' Ryoko thought to herself. 'I didn't think he was
that flexible though.' After hovering a few second she licked her lips and
swooped down on the unsuspecting boy.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ayeka, Lee, and Alex had arrived at the cargo hold within seconds of each
other and set out in search of Tenchi and/or Ryoko. Alex had filled the princess
in on the suspected reason for Tenchi's absence.
"I cannot believe you would leave poor Lord Tenchi alone in such a
condition," Ayeka admonished.
"And who's fault is it that all those booze fumes were around him in the
first place?" Lee asked under his breath.
"What did you say?" Ayeka turned on him with a dangerous gleam in her
eyes.
"Nothing! Nothing at all."
It was about then that they all heard it.
"Teennchhii."
"Ryoko, I nno ya wan it, ann I don mind givin' it ta ya, but ya'll get
lipstick aalllll over it."
Ayeka was off like a shot, the others ran to catch up.
When they rounded the last corner their eyes were met with a scene a
little different than the one they had imagined. Tenchi was shirtless and
barefooted, but otherwise clothed. He was half sitting half lying on a large
circular pad trying to hold a bottle of liquor away from Ryoko. Ryoko had all of
her clothes on and the remains of Tenchi's shirt in one hand. It looked more
like she was trying to get Tenchi's pants off; not a drink from the bottle.
Other bottles lay around the scene along with some puddles of alcohol.
"But Tennchii, I don' want a drink. I want you." Ryoko whined.
"Get away from Lord Tenchi you depraved, perverted pirate!" Ayeka charged
Ryoko like an angry bull.
"Wha...?" Ryoko turned. Seeing the angry princess she separated from
Tenchi a bit and readied for battle.
Ayeka crossed onto the pad and brought her shield units to bear before
Ryoko could fire a plasma blast.
"Wait! That's..!!" Alex cried out in warning.
The energy of the shield arced from log to log, and unfortunately through
the surface of the pad. Three screams and one blinding flash later, the forms of
one pirate and two Juraian royal family members lay smoking on the pad.
"...conductive." Alex finished.
Lee spoke into his walkie-talkie/com device. "Michael, please send three
stretchers to the hold.
"*kzzt* Why? What happened? *kztzz*" came the reply.
"I'll tell you when we get back." He lowered the plastic box, and turned
to Alex. "Um, Alex, isn't that our large scale replicator?"
"Yes."
"Do you think it's alright?"
"I'll check it while you and Mikey see to the guests." She answered in a
monotone, and lowered her head.
Lee walked over towards the pad. "Hey, you guys alright?"
"Lee, don't touch the...!" Alex head snapped up in alarm.
A smaller flash lit the area as Lee's foot came down on the pad releasing
the residual current left in the pad.
Alex cringed as he fell to the ground with a thud "...pad." She sighed as
she activated her own com device. "Michael, you'd better make that four
stretchers."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Several hours and a lot of static guard later everyone was up on their
feet again, though they were still a bit dazed. Deciding a bite to eat might
help them recover more fully, they had adjourned to the dining area. The
gathering was missing one person though. Alex was absent. She had remained in
the cargo hold to survey the damages, if any.
"So that machine was important?" Tenchi asked quietly. He was nursing his
first hangover, and swearing inwardly that he'd never drink again.
"Afraid so." Michael said after hurriedly swallowing a mouthful of pizza.
"It's needed to create parts to fix the MDPCCC(tm)."
"The what?" Ryoko asked around a mouthful of ham sandwich.
"The Multi-Dimensional Persona Compression Contrivance Contraption(tm)."
Lee didn't look up from his cup-o-soup.
"Excuse me, Lee, but how do you people say the trademark symbol aloud?"
Ayeka had forgone food in favor of tea.
Lee and Michael looked at each other in complete confusion. "...we have no
idea." There was a moment of awkward silence.
"Well, it's official," Alex said as she strode into the room. "It's
broken."
Tenchi sighed. "Can you fix it, Alex?"
She shrugged. "Don't know yet. It's going to take a while to figure out
just how bad the damage is, so you guys will have to finish the fic without me."
At the mention of 'the fic' what little enthusiasm the group had drained
away.
"Well, give it a good swift kick for me. I'm going to be spending heaven
knows how long going over the replicator." She swung by the counter only long
enough to grab a coffee and a glazed doughnut before leaving the way she had
entered.
Heaving a collective sigh the group pushed their food away. They had
suddenly lost their appetites. They marched single file from the room towards
the theater like men and women walking to their own executions.
"I knew I should have studied engineering in college," Noboyuki mumbled.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Now down a member the seating order from left to right is: Noboyuki, Ryoko,
Tenchi, Ayeka, Lee, and Michael is in the projection booth above the theater.
> Tenchi awoke from his wonderful dream, and was pretty sad that
>it had to end,
>
>"Man! that was such a good dream!" Tenchi said.
>
> Just then Ryoko phased through the ceiling and fell right onto
>Tenchi,
>
>"Ryoko Pl-" Tenchi said, but cut himself short
(All the guys wince and cross their legs.)
>when he noticed something
>very different about her, her chest was flat and more muscular, her arms
>were bulkier and her overall frame was bigger, and the most noticeable,
>there was a giant bulge in her pants. Ryoko wasnt a her!! Ryoko was a
>HIM!!
Everyone: ...
>"Oh my god!! this cant be happening!! it must be a dream!!" thought Tenchi.
Tenchi and Ryoko: Please let it be a dream.
>"Oh Tenchi! I want you so bad!" said Ryoko.
>
>"Ryoko.. I.. I.. want you so badly too!!" screamed Tenchi very happily.
>
> Tenchi then got a huge erection as Ryoko pulled down his pants
>revealing his huge cock.
Michael: Just want to let you all know there are vomit bags on the backs the
seats in front of you.
Tenchi: Thank you. I think we'll need them before this is over.
>"Your so big Ryoko! I love you so much!!" said Tenchi.
Ayeka: I refuse to touch that line, even with a ten foot pole.
Noboyuki (Looks shocked and a bit disgusted): I hope that pun wasn't
intentional.
Ayeka: Wha... (Thinks about what she just said in relation to the last line.)
D'OH!
>"I love you too Tenchi!" said Ryoko very gleefully.
Ryoko: Very gleefully.
(Everyone else groans.)
> Tenchi then took his pants off and slid his penis into
>Ryoko's manly asshole and started to bounce him up and down on his
>penis.
Ryoko (Horrified): I want Tenchi, but not like this. Not like this!
>"OH YES RYOKO!! Your ass is so firm and muscular!!" screamed Tenchi.
(Tenchi shudders in revoltion and anger.)
> Just then Ayeka burst into the room. Ayeka had all the features
>of a valiant prince, and a big schlong to boot!
(Ayeka bursts into tears.)
>"HOW DARE YOU HAVE SEX WITH TENCHI WITHOUT ME!!" screamed Ayeka.
Noboyuki (Wide-eyed): I hope that doesn't mean what I think it means.
>"Calm down! just come and join us!!" said Tenchi and Ryoko.
Lee (sadly): I'm afraid it does.
> Ayeka then got on top of Tenchi in a 69 form and stuck his penis
>into Tenchi's mouth and started to suck on Ryoko's penis.
>
>"OH YESSSSSS!!!!!" screamed all 3 of them.
Lee: As sickening as this is, I have to admit that must take talent.
Noboyuki: What takes talent?
Lee: Two out of three of them being able to scream like that with their mouths
full.
(Noboyuki grabs a vomit bag and pukes into it.)
> They all came at the same time, filling each other with their
>sperm.
(Sounds of gagging can be heard from the projection room.)
>"Ok, lets try something different!" said Tenchi.
Tenchi: Let's go kill the author!
Everyone else: Yeah!!
>"Ok!" said Ryoko and Ayeka.
Ayeka: You see. Even the characters in the fic agree that the author must die.
Ryoko: I don't think that's what those... things were agreeing to princess.
Ayeka: Oh poopy.
> Tenchi then got on his hands and knees and Ayeka got on top
>of Tenchi and shoved his penis into Tenchi's tight teenaged ass.
Noboyuki: Make it stop. Please, make it stop.
>Ryoko then got on top of Ayeka and stuck his cock into Ayeka's
>anus.
>
>"Ok here we go!" said Tenchi.
Tenchi: And somewhere Mario Mario is crying.
> Then they started their little orgy.
Lee: As opposed to the large orgy they were planning on have later that evening.
Tenchi (Queitly): Please don't give the author any ideas.
>"Oh Ryoko! I love it when you put your giant cock in my ass!" said
>Ayeka.
Ayeka & Ryoko: The horror...the horror...
>"Prince Ayeka! your asshole is so tight!" said Ryoko.
Noboyuki (turned to stone): *shhrrr-THUNK*
Everyone else (looking at Noboyuki's petrified from on the floor): Lucky
bastard.
> Then Yosho walked into the room and instantly wanted to get in
>on the action.
Michael (quietly from the booth): No. Please, no.
Lee: I wish I had known this was in here ahead of time. I wouldn't have
subjected everyone to it.
>"Tenchi! May I join in please?" asked Yosho.
Tenchi: No! But you can take my place. Please, just let me out of this
disgusting lemon!!
>"Of course grandpa!" beamed Tenchi.
Everyone but Noboyuki: Gahhh!!!
>"Come here and stick your old johnson right into my mouth!" said Tenchi.
(Tenchi grabs a barf bag from in front of his seat and fills it.)
Lee: ...Johnson? ...Nah, couldn't be the same guy.
> Yosho then nodded his head
Ryoko: Which one? ...I cannot believe I just said that! (Starts crying.)
> and walked over to Tenchi. Then Yosho
>removed his robe and stuck his wrinkled penis into Tenchi's moist mouth.
Ayeka: So THAT is why you ran away rather than marry me! You, you,...
Lee: I'm sense some unresolved anger here.
(Ayeka fries Lee.) *Kazzaaappzz*
Lee (being fried): yeeahhgagagaga!!! (Collapses after the shield stops).
>"MMMMM Tenchi!! You are so good at giving blow-jobs!" said Yosho.
(Tenchi and Ayeka join Ryoko in crying.)
(Tenchi is still vomiting.)
> Yosho then dropped his 'hot pocket' into Tenchi's mouth, who
>swallowed very happily.
Tenchi (between sobbing and retching): Bull.
Lee (from the floor, and sounding like he's in pain): Michael, could you please
make a note to take Hot Pockets off the grocery list.
Michael (sounding ill): Already done.
>"mmmm, very delicious grandfather." Tenchi said.
Noboyuki (Bolting to his feet, and screaming): PHUCKNUT YOU HAVE NO SOUL!!!
(Everyone else is startled out of their various states of grief or nausea by
Noboyuki's outburst.)
(Noboyuki calmly retakes his seat.)
>"Why thank you Tenchi." Yosho said.
Lee (Climbing painfully back into his seat): Thank you, please come again.
(Tenchi reaches behind Ayeka and punches Lee in the back of his head sending him
careening into the seat in front of him before resuming his place on
the floor.)
Lee (from the floor): The joke wasn't that bad.
Everyone else: Yes it was.
(Lee retakes his seat rubbing the two new bumps he has on his head.)
> Just then Noboyuki walked in........
Nobyuki: Sweet Achika in heaven! What do you think your doing!
>________________________________________________________________________
>
>
> Noboyuki woke up terrified, he was sweating all over.
>
>"OH MY GOD!! oh.. whew.. it was just a dream." said Noboyuki sounding
>very relieved.
(Everyone turns a menacing gaze on Noboyuki.)
Noboyuki: It's not my fault! Blame the author! Blame NoNuts!
Tenchi (confused): I think that's PhuckNut, Dad.
Noboyuki: Not if I ever get my hands on him.
Everyone else (turns away slowly and quietly): Yikes.
> Noboyuki looked at his clock and it said it was 3:00 p.m.
Ayeka (Noboyuki): I guess I should not have eaten that hot-pepper pizza before
going to bed.
Tenchi: Ayeka, it says PM not AM.
Ayeka: Oh.
>"Funny.. I dont remember falling asleep after I woke up this morning.."
>said Noboyuki.
Ryoko: Did that make sense to anyone?
(Everyone else shakes their heads.)
Ryoko: Good.
>"Well, Tenchi should be home soon from school, so I'll go meet him at the
>door." Noboyuki said as he headed for the front door.
Tenchi: What the heck would Dad be doing home during the week?
Noboyuki: Yeah, I'm lucky if I even get part of the weekend off.
> 5 minutes later Tenchi came walking in,
Lee: I'm not even going to bother. It's too easy.
>"Hey dad Im home!" yelled Tenchi.
Tenchi: Tadaima.
Noboyuki, Ryoko, and Ayeka: Okaeri.
> Noboyuki came walking around the corner and greeted his son,
Ryoko: Like lens-boy said, it's too easy.
>"Hey Tenchi, you have a good day at school today?" Noboyuki asked.
Tenchi: No, I was forced to read some awful piece of filth by some guy named
PhuckNut.
Lee: So much for higher education.
>"Ya dad, I got something to tell you." said Tenchi.
Ayeka: I've proposed to Ayeka. We are getting married.
Ryoko: WHAT!!
Tenchi: Don't start that again!
>"Sure go ahead and tell away." said Noboyuki.
Noboyuki: But it had better not involve you having sex with men!
Ryoko and Ayeka: It had better not involve sex with anyone but me. (They give
each other a dirty look.)
Tenchi: I said knock it off!
>"I had sex with my science teacher today!" said Tenchi.
(Tenchi now finds himself on the receiving end of harsh glares from the two
girls.)
Tenchi (panicking): Blame PhuckNut! He's the one, not me!
Noboyuki: At least it wasn't sex with men.
>"Yes!! hes not gay!! it was just a dream and this proves it!!" Noboyuki
>thought to himself.
Lee: Actually he could still be bi. (Everyone glares at Lee.) Don't hit me! It
was just an observation.
>"THATS GREAT SON!! Your finally becoming a man!!" beamed a proud
>Noboyuki as he patted Tenchi on the shoulders.
Ryoko (to Noboyuki): At least PhuckNut seems to have you in character.
>"So you gonna go back tonight and get some more? eh?" asked Noboyuki as
>he winked his eye.
Tenchi: Yep, that's my dad alright.
Ayeka: No doubt about it.
>"Nah, his penis was too big, ill need to give my ass a day to heal." said
>Tenchi.
Everyone but Lee: ....AAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!
Lee: I should have known.
>"............." was all Noboyuki was able to do.....
Noboyuki: ............. *whimper*
>_________________________________________________________________________
>
>
> THE END
Everyone but Noboyuki: Thank goodness.
>Pretty twisted ending huh? HEHEHE
Ayeka: From a very twisted little man.
>Send all comments to:
>viperz00@winfire.com
Tenchi: Let's get out of here.
Everyone else but Noboyuki: Yeah.
(Everyone but Noboyuki gets up to leave. After a minute Tenchi comes back and
helps his father out of the theater.)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A short while later in the lounge outside the theater...
"Ok, everyone has their votes in right?" Tenchi asked.
"Yes."
"Ok, then. So, what's tally?" he asked turning to Michael.
"Kill him, skin him alive, hand him over to a pack of rabid fans and tape
the results to sell for a profit..." Michael paused from reading the slips of
paper he held in his hands. Nearby sat a box with 'what we should do to
PhuckNut' written on the side. "Not mine...but I like it. Let's see...
castration..." All the guys winced. "Hrmm... Strap him into a chair with his
eyelids pried open and make him watch Barney and Teletubbies back to back
until..." Michael pauses and shudders. "Who wrote this one?"
Lee leans over and reads the rest of the note. He blushes blue and
sweatdrops. "That...that's to cruel. Even for this guy."
Further discussion is interrupted as Alex comes in looking rather dazed.
"We're screwed," she says calmly.
"Huh?" chorused everyone else.
"The assembly pad on the replicator's cracked. It can't be copied, or
repaired. We'll have to buy another before I can make the parts to send you
home." She sat down heavily, and started to cry into her hands.
"Alex, it's okay." Lee got up and went to her side. "If we have to buy
another, then we'll buy another. Nothing to get so worked up over."
"You don't understand." She was beginning to sound a hysterical. "We're
BROKE!"
"What?!"
" I spent all the stations funds on the theater. I wanted authentic parts
instead of replicas."
"Well," Lee said calmly to himself, "at least now I know why my card was
rejected when I went to buy that new laserdisc player."
"How can you be so glib about this you moron!" Michael had gotten up and
was shaking Lee with his good arm.
"Mike, you-your ch...choking me." Lee wheezed.
"Don't kill him." Tenchi managed to tug Michael off of the other young
man.
"Look, if you need money it's no big deal. I'll just go steal it." Ryoko
smiled.
"How? You don't have a ship?" Alex had stopped crying.
"Oh. Yeah." Ryoko replied.
"Really. Like we would want to be party to theft." Ayeka turned to her hosts.
"We shall simply have to contact my family."
"Ayeka, your family isn't in this dimension." Ryoko rolled her eyes at the
princess.
"Oh. Right." was Ayeka's only response.
"We'll just have to get jobs." Everyone turned to Noboyuki. "Well, do you
have any better ideas?" he asked.
"Looks like we're going to have to find work then." Lee scratched the back
of his head. "It's a little late to start tonight though. How about we watch
something decent?"
"I thought we were going to go lynch PhuckNut." Ryoko pointed out.
"We have more important things to worry about, Ryoko." Tenchi said over
his shoulder as he started walking towards the galley. "I don't know about
anyone else, but I'm suddenly hungry."
"Hold up, Hungry, I'll join you." Lee quipped.
Everyone groaned before following them out.
Well aside from being longwinded, what did you think? Let me know at:
nullstate@yahoo.com