Consequences.

I think the hardest part of saying the word no are the consequences. Or
maybe the look in her eyes, or maybe even the way her bottom lip started to
tremble. I had to say it though; I had to say I didn’t love her. I had to
say that I don’t, never did, and never will. I had to protect the others,
spare them the hurt I feel all the time, to love someone and know, fully,
that it could never be.

I would have loved to be honest. I tell her how my breath catches in my
throat when she touches me, how my knees become weak when she walks into a
room, or how everything else in the world melts away when she speaks. But I
just don’t have the heart, to break hers. To tell her all those things and
then have to say that we could never be together would hurt her more then
never saying anything at all.

So I watched her begin to cry in front of me, tears streaming down her soft
cheeks and it took all the power of Jurai not to hold her, tell her I was
lying. She cursed me, told me she hated me, but I seen the hurt in her eyes.
They told me differently, they told me how much she loved me, not how much
she hated me.

I turned my back on her and continued walking. She stood there a long time
before she silently phased away. I never would have guessed that would have
been the last time I was to see her. Now everyday I regret what I did. Washu
said she died yesterday, it’s only been 5 years. She was supposed to live
thousands of more years, but instead she died. Washu is inconsolable, so am
I. She has lost her only daughter, and I? My only love.

When the others asked how she died Washu told them a freak accident,
something about a fire in a tavern, on a distant plant. They all believed
her. They’re stupid. I know the truth as does Washu, suicide. Suicide that
is more like homicide. By my hands. Washu knows it’s because of me, no doubt
she was probably with Ryoko when it happened, tried to talk her out of it,
but failed. Washu can hardly even look at me, disgust is all over her face
and I deserve it.

Mihoshi and Sasami took it hard. More Sasami really. She cried for hours,
until finally Tsunami came to her. Mihoshi called her old partner, Kiyone or
something. She left early this morning; she probably will not be back. Ayeka
cried for a while, mostly with Sasami. I know Ryoko was her friend, no
matter what she says. I on the other hand feel nothing. It’s because my
heart died along with her. My being, my soul, my very existence, died with
Ryoko. Washu will not speak to me, and I don’t blame her. I think Ryo-ohki
will come back, master-less. I also believe Washu will take her, and they
will leave, and never look back.

It goes without saying that once Washu leaves and it’s just Ayeka and
Sasami, that they will leave too. I pray for that at least. Pray for them
all to leave. I don’t think I deserve any of the to be around. I think I
should be lonely, no laughter, no parties, no Karaoke, no anything.

I loved her, and I killed her.

She loved me, and I killed her.

She killed herself, and she killed me.