Note: With the exception of Buck and Tyler, I hold no claim to any character presented within this MST. All Tenchi characters, as well as Jinnai, belong to AIC/Pioneer. Vegeta is property of Toei/Funimation. Now that I've dispelled all those ugly rumors about me owning famous anime characters, we can get down to business. Oh, incidentally, the author and his/her work appears without permission as well. Not that I didn't try, though. Let this be a lesson to the rest of you... if I ever e-mail you asking if I can post an MST of your work, at least have the common decency to say "No." Else you'll just show up in the next installment anyway. And don't blame me for the poor formatting on the original author's fic... that's how I found it, and I thought that leaving it as is would portray the utter pain of reading it through the first time. (Buck “The Hustler” Floyd is standing in front of a sink, looking at himself in the mirror. Tyler is standing behind him.) Tyler: So what are we doing again? BF: We’re dying my hair blond. Tyler: And why? BF: So I can get closer to Washuu-chan. Tyler: And how is that supposed to work? BF: Well, think of it this way. Which two men has she been exceptionally close to in the past? Tyler: Tenchi and Kagato? (Buck looks at Tyler as if he’s an idiot.) BF: Kagato? He was just her student, fool. Tyler: And I’ll bet she “kept him after school” a lot, too. (Buck slaps Tyler upside the head.) BF: Keep your mouth shut and pay attention. I was referring, of course, to Tenchi and her husband from back in her days at the Science Academy. Now, what color was that guy’s hair? Tyler: Blond. BF: Precisely. And why do you think she’s attracted to Tenchi? Tyler: She’s not, really. It’s the great power her possesses. BF: Exactly! Now try and follow me on this... I dye my hair blond, one way or another she’s going to notice me. Either she’ll be reminded of that one guy, or I will appear to be a Super Saiyan... someone with tremendous power. (Vegeta had just entered the room and is laughing his head off.) Vegeta: You? A Super Saiyan? That’s absurd! BF: Who invited you? Vegeta: No one. I just always tend to show up where I’m not wanted. Have you ever SEEN my show? Tyler: We’ve seen Dragonball Z, yes. But I wouldn’t call it YOUR show. There’s a rich plethora of characters. BF: If only there was some way to get rid of Goku, or at the very least make him a lot more intelligent. Vegeta: You don’t like him either, huh? BF: Some may find his naiveté charming, but I just find it annoying. Vegeta (to Tyler): I like this guy more every day. Tyler (to Vegeta): You should have seen how much wrestling fans loved him. BF: Now come on, are we going to do this thing or not? Tyler: All right, let’s go for it. (Tyler opens the box of hair dye. The next thing you know, the trio of MSTers are standing before their benevolent provider of bad fics. There is someone strapped to a metal table, struggling to get free, next to her. And, needless to say, Buck’s hair looks ridiculous.) Washuu: Welcome back. The time has come for your third outing...(sadly) I trust you all knew this was coming. Tyler: Yeah. We knew we were going to have to do a third one eventually. Washuu: That’s not what I meant. By the way, here’s something to drink while you’re viewing today’s fic. (Washuu-chan hits a few keys on her holo-top, and a 12-pack of Country Time lemonade drops into Tyler’s arms.) Tyler: What’s with the... oh, God. Vegeta: If that means what I think it does, we’re all in trouble. Washuu: Sorry guys, but it had to come up sooner or later. Vegeta: And if it gets really bad, there’s going to be a lot more things coming up... like my breakfast, for instance. Washuu: Well if it’s any consolation, I’ve looked through this series and can’t find many lemony scenes at all. The one I did find wasn’t explicit, either. BF: Then we just have implied sex. I wouldn’t really consider it a lime, either... how about a bitter orange? Tyler: No thanks, I just ate. (Tyler gets smacked again.) Tyler: You’re going to have to stop doing that eventually. BF: Nah. Too much fun. Washuu: Well anyway, the series you’re working with today is “Kiyone’s Revenge” and “Tenchi Muyo the Movie - The Life of Love,” all by Ryoko Porter. (Vegeta leans in close to the person strapped to the table.) Vegeta: So help me, if this is as bad as most of the lemons I’ve had to see, you’re going to be in big trouble when we get back. Washuu: But before you go... Vegeta, it’s your turn to pick a guest. Vegeta: Gotta go with Katsuhiko Jinnai. Tyler: Oh man, are you serious? BF: Settle down, Tyler. From what I’ve seen, Jinnai is a blast to hang around. Unlike most people, I dig that psychotic laugh of his. (Washuu-chan hits some keys on her holo-top and a column of white light appears. When the light fades, Jinnai is standing before them. He looks around and is amazed by all the machinery.) Jinnai: Well, I don’t know where I am, but I like it! There’s got to be something in here that I could use to take over Roshtaria. Tyler: One-track mind, that guy. Vegeta: Do you know why you’re here, Kats? Jinnai: Don’t call me that. Vegeta: I’ll call you whatever I feel like. But you do know that you’re here to MST fanfics, don’t you? Jinnai: I’ve done this once or twice... I think I can handle it. I am a Bugrom warlord after all! (Jinnai laughs like a clearly insane person. Washuu-chan and Tyler hold their ears. Vegeta just stands there, and Buck, well... Buck joins in.) Jinnai: Hey! That laugh is trademarked, you know! I’ll see you in court, pal! Tyler: Oh, just be glad that someone enjoys it. Now are we going to go or not? (Tyler heads over to the MST Allain and opens the hatch, then gets in. Vegeta and Jinnai follow. Buck lingers a little bit.) BF: Well? Washuu: Well what? BF: Don’t you notice anything different? Washuu: As a matter of fact, I do. You look ridiculous. There’s no way anyone could mistake you for a natural blond with all those patches of black in the back. BF (yells towards the Allain): Dammit, Tyler! You were supposed to do it evenly! Well, I guess that’s what you get when you combine hair color from a box with an incompetent assistant. Tyler (off-screen): Hey! BF: Well, I may as well just be off, then, but uh... the one bitter scene you came across... you weren’t involved, were you? Washuu: I give you my word that I wasn’t. BF: Thank God. (Buck gets into position within the Allain and the hatch is closed.) Washuu: After all, I don’t plan on breaking you just yet... (More keys are tapped on the holo-top, and the Allain is shrunk. Washuu-chan picks up the mini-ship and carries it over to the person strapped to the table.) Washuu: Now then, Ryoko... if that IS your real name... Ryoko: It isn’t. Washuu: Well, you lose points for not recognizing sarcasm. Let’s see how much worse you get. Open wide, please. (The author shuts his/her mouth tightly.) Washuu: You know, cooperation will make this so much easier... very well. (Washuu-chan picks up a mallet and smacks the author on the foot. When he/she opens his/her mouth to scream in pain, Washuu-chan plops the ship into it. The scene then switches quickly to the ship’s interior.) Jinnai&Tyler: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! BF: Whoa. You know, I don’t think I’ll ever get quite used to that. Vegeta: *yawns* I’ve had better rides at Deer Forest. BF: *snickering* You’ve been to Deer Forest? So what did you do first, feed the deer, grab a hot dog, feed the deer or ride the train? Feed the deer, ride the pony, feed the... Vegeta: Look, jackass, if our audience was going to get the joke at all, they would have gotten it by now. You don’t have to say the whole jingle. But for those of you who don’t get it, suffice to say that Deer Forest would be fun until you’re about three years old and afterward, it really sucks. They do have pretty good hot dogs, though... Tyler: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! BF: Tyler, we’re already in, you can stop screaming now. Tyler: It’s not that. I just looked out the viewing port and saw something that I really didn’t want to know about. (The rest of the crew look out their own ports. They all shudder.) BF: I just hope that that’s just a thought, not a memory... Jinnai: I didn’t even know you could do that sort of thing with a fish. (Eventually, the Allain comes to rest somewhere in the mind of Ryoko Porter. A translucent view screen comes up in front of the ship.) BF: Brace yourself, it’s starting. All rights of "Tenchi Muyo" belong to AIC and Pioneer. I have no money, so please don't sue me? ^_^* The one character I do own is Mike. So enjoy! Tyler: Enjoy Mike, or the whole fic? Vegeta: I don’t know if I’m going to appreciate either one. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BF: What is “Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo”? Jinnai: Huh? BF: There are so many dashes, I can only assume that it serves some other purpose besides separation of disclaimer and actual fic. -Episode 1 - Kiyone's Revenge Tyler: Uh-oh, Mihoshi’s gonna get it. Scene 1 - at the Galaxy Police Headquarters. Official: Well I most say what a relief it is to finally find you. And to say how sorry we are to have not have found you sooner. Kiyone: And? Official: And to apologize for teaming you up with Detective Mihoshi. Kiyone: Well I guess I can over look it? Official: Good, now this is a copy of your next assignment. Kiyone: (reads) > FIND MIHOSHI< What? Tyler (Kiyone): Didn’t you just apologize for teaming me up with her in the FIRST PLACE? BF: So Kiyone’s been “found.” I see, this takes place after Galaxy Police Mihoshi’s Space Adventure. Vegeta: The which? BF: Better known as the Mihoshi Special, but that’s just trite... Official: Well ah we need someone to find her and everyone else is busy. We know technically where she is, but we haven't been able to convince her to come back! Kiyone: Well get someone else to do it and I'll take over his or her assignments! Official: But Mihoshi trusts you and all of the other assignments are too complicated for you to just come into the middle of. Kiyone: Well I won't do it! BF (Kiyone): I don’t like it, and I don’t wanna do it. Vegeta: Well what DO you want? BF (Kiyone, singing): I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance. I wanna be a pirate in The Pirates of Penzance, with me silver buckles, slippers, and me tight shiny pants... I want to sing and dance. Tyler: Kiyone in tight shiny pants? Come to think of it, that’s what _I_ want, too. Jinnai: And I want to rule El Hazard, but you don’t see me whining about it. Tyler: Actually, we do. Jinnai: Shut up! Official: If you don't do it you will be terminated from the Force! And we both know how important the Force is to you. Vegeta: I knew it! Kiyone is a Jedi! Guess it’s only fair considering what she has to put up with on a daily basis. Jinnai: Is the Force strong in this one? Perhaps she can help me in my quest to... Rest of crew: WE KNOW! TAKE OVER EL HAZARD!!! BF: Or Roshtaria, or whatever the hell you feel like saying at the time. Kiyone: It's my whole life. Official: Good so you will be going then? Kiyone: Yes. Official: Good, there is a ship ready for you at the docking port. Good luck! (Kiyone exits.) >She'll need it< Tyler: Was that the official talking, or an editorial comment by the author? (The other three shrug.) Scene 2 - at the Masaki residence in the morning. Tenchi: Well I better get to school. Ryoko: Oh don't go Tenchi, stay here and have some fun with me. Tenchi: I have to go Ryoko, but I'll be back right after school. Sasami: Don't forget your lunch Tenchi! Tenchi: Thank you Sasami. Sasami: I remembered no fermented beans in your rice. BF: There, you see that? Someone with the mind and body of an 8-year-old can remember “no fermented beans,” but that bitch Haruna can’t! That’s why Sasami is so much better... Tyler: Pedophile... I always liked Haruna. BF: Dendrophile. Tyler: What? BF: Besides, at least Sasami didn’t kidnap and mentally rape everyone’s favorite spineless simp. Ayeka: Well have a good day. Ryoko: Why don't I just teleport you there Tenchi? Ayeka: You won't be teleporting him anywhere! (Tenchi exits.) Vegeta: It’s called the “enter key.” Use it! BF: It’s called “script format.” Shut it! Ryoko: Oh yeah, Ayeka! Ayeka: YEAH! Ryoko and Ayeka: Bitch! Scene 3 - in Tenchi's class. Teacher: Now class I want you all to meet our new transfer student Miss Kiyone. Boy 1: Tenchi, the new girl's staring right at you. Tenchi: Please be quite, Jinnai: Please be quite what? I get the feeling there should be an adjective there somewhere... Tyler: There is. Watch this... (Tyler reaches forward and switches the last two letters around.) Jinnai: Ah! Please be quiet! Makes perfect sense now. I have to finish last nights homework! Boy 1: All right all ready! Mike: Give the guy a brake! BF: He’s not moving, I don’t think he needs one right now. Teacher: Boys do have something to share with the class? And Tenchi are you doing your homework again? Mike: Um Miss, the transfer student? Teacher: Oh yes of course, you will sit behind Tenchi all right? Vegeta (Mike): Miss, I wasn’t asking where the transfer student should sit. I was going to ask why she’s over twenty years old and still in high school. Tyler (Boy 1): I think she’s a narc. Quick, everybody give your weed to me, I can get rid of it... (Kiyone sits.) Okay well now… Crew: Huh? Tenchi: Hay thanks, what's your name? BF (Mike): Just read next to my most recent line, lazy turd. I’m Mike, but why did you call me Hay? Mike: The name's Mike, why are you always doing your work in class? Tenchi: Can't do it at home, too many girls. Mike: Too many girls? Tenchi: Live with five of them. Tyler: That’s not too many. Especially considering that he lives with seven in Manatsu no Eve. Vegeta: Argh... ONE is too many. BF: Just depends on the girl. I can see where Vegeta is coming from, I wouldn’t want to live with Bulma, either. Vegeta: And see that it stays that way. Scene 4 - at the end of the school day while Tenchi's walking home. Kiyone: So you're Tenchi? Tenchi: Is there something I can do for you? Kiyone: You take me home. BF (Kiyone): You take me home. Ug. Have big fun time. Tenchi: What? Kiyone: I know you have her! I know she lives with you! Tenchi: Her who? Kiyone: Mihoshi! Tenchi: So you're the Kiyone, Mihoshi told us about. Kiyone: I've come to take her home. Tenchi: Oh well then come along. Jinnai: He seems awfully receptive to the idea of sending Mihoshi away. Vegeta: I wonder why... BF: Watch it. While she’s not my favorite character, I have pledged myself to defending Mihoshi’s honor. See my badge? (Buck shows the rest of the crew an official-looking card that says “White Knight of KOME”) Vegeta: Ah yes. You brought that up once before. You get a card now? BF: Well, no... I made this one myself. But isn’t it nice? Scene 5 - at Masaki residence. Sasami: TENCHI'S HOME! (All but Mihoshi go to greet Tenchi as he walks up.) Ayeka and Ryoko: TENCHI! (They notice Kiyone.) Ayeka: Tenchi who is that? Kiyone: Wait a minute, you're princess Ayeka and you're princess Sasami! And you, you're the Space Pirate Ryoko! Ryoko: Glad you heard of me, Tenchi who is this girl? Tenchi: This is Kiyone, Mihoshi's old partner. Ryoko: You're the Kiyone that we've heard so much about? Kiyone: I can't believe this, I'm stuck in space while Mihoshi surrounds herself with royalty and a Space Pirate! (Mihoshi enters.) Mihoshi: Kiyone is that you? (Mihoshi runs to give Kiyone a huge Jinnai: A huge what? Tyler: I think they mean “hug.” Vegeta: Could be huge hug... what am I saying? I’m talking like Barney now... when Kiyone slaps her across the face.) (Buck and Tyler facefault. Vegeta just laughs. Jinnai wasn’t paying attention... he’s too busy drawing up some battle plans.) BF: That was interesting, I’ve never facefaulted before. Tyler: We’ve never had a reason to. That was horrible. Up until now, I liked Kiyone. BF: She’d better apologize for that later. Ryoko: Great job! And I'm not being sarcastic. BF&Tyler: You’d better be! Mihoshi: Kiyone how could you? Kiyone: How could I, how could you leave me in space for three years! BF: Oh... right. You know, she’s got a point. If I was left floating in space for three years... Vegeta: How could she survive in space for three years? I’ve seen the Mihoshi Special, and judging by the position she was left in... (Buck and Tyler shrug. Jinnai corrects what he perceives to be a mistake in his plans.) Mihoshi: Sorry, I thought you were dead. Kiyone: And why did you not check? Mihoshi: I didn't want to see your guts! Kiyone: I give up! Mihoshi: I'm so glad you safe! Kiyone: Yeah, yeah let's go! Sasami: Go, go where? Kiyone: I'm taking her home. Mihoshi: But I don't want to go! (Ryoko disappears and then appears with Mihoshi's bags.) Ryoko: Well if you have to go, go. Bye! BF (Sasami): But could you at least wake me up before you go, go? (This time, it’s Tyler’s turn to smack Buck in the head.) BF: Okay, I deserved that. Mihoshi: Can't we stay one more night? Sasami: Yes, and we'll have a going away party! Tenchi: Good idea, so what do you say Kiyone? Kiyone: All right, but no more than one night. Scene 6 - later while everyone's celebrating. Ryoko: Wee! Sasami: Uh-oh, Ryoko's drunk again. Ryoko: I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated. (Jinnai looks up from his plans.) Jinnai: Is there really a difference? Tyler: To Ryoko, there is. Tenchi: Come on I'll take you to bed. (Ryoko and Tenchi exit.) Mihoshi: BYE! Vegeta: Sounds to me like we’re coming up on the... Scene 7 - in the morning and everyone is lined up to say good bye. Vegeta: Oh. Never mind. Mihoshi: Good bye everyone! Good bye Sasami, Ayeka I'll miss you. Bye Miss Washu, thank you for fixing my ship so many times. Washu: Take care. Tyler (Washu): And I mean that. Because I’m not always going to be there to fix that damn ship. Mihoshi: Bye Ryoko and thank you for… well just thank you. Crew: Huh? BF: Near as I can tell, those three symbols are supposed to be ellipses. Jinnai: They’re what? I’m sorry, I don’t know very many English grammar terms. BF: Those three dots that represent a pause in conversation. Look at what Vegeta did just before this scene started. Jinnai (looks up): Ah. Now these ellipses... oh, there’s some right there. Anyway, they don’t have any kind of hidden power, do they? If they can pause a conversation, can you stop time with enough of them? (Rest of crew sighs.) Ryoko: My head. Mihoshi: And good bye Tenchi. Tenchi: Good bye Mihoshi. Kiyone: Come on we have to go! Mihoshi: Bye! Kiyone: Thanks. (Mihoshi and Kiyone enter the ship.) All: BYE! (The ship starts up and begins to fly in the sky, when all of a sudden the ship explodes.) Tyler: Who didn’t see THAT coming? (No one raises their hand.) Scene 8 - after Mihoshi and Kiyone are recovered. BF: Shouldn’t that be “have recovered”? Tyler (Martha Stewart): Tsk tsk... these old, ratty covers just won’t do. Let’s recover Mihoshi and Kiyone with these nice floral prints. Vegeta: Is there something you’re not telling us, Tyler? Tyler: Shut up. Sasami: What happened? Mihoshi: I don't know, I guess we'll have to stay here. Kiyone: You planed this! Tyler: So it should be a bit smoother now. Ayeka: What's this, I found it on a piece of ship. Washu: This is one of my explosives I use to get rid of things. BF: Well... I guess that’s what explosives do. Jinnai: When we get out of here, I’ll have to ask Washuu if she has any more of those lying around. BF: You’re new, so I won’t hit you. But call her Washuu-CHAN, got it? She expects that. Kiyone: Mihoshi! I'll kill you! (Kiyone begins chasing Mihoshi around.) Episode 2 - Ryoko's Dream Scene 1- at the shrine tree. Tyler: Wait a second... if this is the second episode, where’s the second disclaimer? Washuu (on intercom): Since all the other disclaimers for the series were the same as the first one, I had them eliminated for you. Vegeta: But the disclaimer was the most interesting part of the last episode! (Ayeka enters) Ryoko: Tenchi, I pray that the gods will protect you. There is only so much I can do. Ayeka: Ryoko is that you? I thought that I heard someone. Ryoko: Yeah, it's me. Ayeka: What are you doing out here, I thought that you went to get some sake? Tyler: When is she not getting sake? Ryoko: That was just something I told everyone to get away. I can't get a dream of Tenchi dying out of mind. I'm so worried. Ayeka: I'm sure it's nothing, besides we're here to protect him and he's got the sword. Ryoko: Hmm, I'm sure your right. Vegeta (Ayeka): My right? What about it? What’s on my right? Ayeka: Well, I better go, you staying here? Ryoko: Yeah, do me a favor though don't tell Tenchi anything about my dream. I want to tell him when I know more. Ayeka: Okay... bye! (Ayeka exits) Ryoko: Tenchi, I love you. Be safe. Scene 2 - in the house. Sasami: Tenchi, where's Ayeka? Tenchi: She's looking for Ryoko. Ayeka: I'm home Tyler (Tenchi): So I was wrong. Sue me. (Ayeka enters) I found Ryoko but she won't be coming home for a while. She said to start dinner without her. Sasami: Well it's good you got home now, because dinners ready. Okay (giggles). Tenchi: Mihoshi, Kiyone, Washu, dinners ready! (Girls enter) All: Bona petit! Tyler (Tenchi): What do you mean by that? I most certainly do NOT have a petite bo... BF: TYLER! Tyler: What? Mihoshi: This is wonderful as always, where's Ryoko? (Ryoko appears) Oh there you are Ryoko; I just asked where you were. Jinnai: Well, I may as well give this impersonation thing a try... BF: It’s really easy. All you need is the character’s name in parentheses next to your own. Try it. Jinnai (Mihoshi): I just asked where you were, and now I know. Isn’t that ironic? Don’t you think? Ryoko: I was taking care of some business. BF: All right! BTO! (All sit eating in silence. until Tenchi breaks the silence.) Tenchi: What were you doing out there Ryoko? Ryoko: I'd rather not say at the moment. Tenchi: Oh, okay Ryoko. Tyler (Noboyuki, to Tenchi): It must be that time of... BF: TYLER! SICK! Tyler: What? Ryoko: I'm not trying to hide anything Tenchi, it's just I'm not ready to tell you yet. Not until I know exactly what I'm doing, myself. (Tenchi finishes his dinner and gets up to leave.) Tenchi: I'm going to take a bath before I go to bed. (Tenchi exits) Ayeka: Let's get ready for bed, remember we'll have to get up early tomorrow to get ready for our visitors. Vegeta: Please don’t tell me that Azusa jerk is coming back. Tyler: I feel bad for him to be called a jerk by you. Vegeta: What’s that supposed to mean? Scene 3 (Everyone cleans up and goes to their room. Ryoko falls to sleep quickly, she visions in her dream a meadow with Tenchi and herself are in the center. Then Tenchi falls to his knees and on to his stomach, beginning to dissolve to only a crystal as she can only look on in terror. Quickly Ryoko awakes to Tenchi checking on her, in her basement room.) Ryoko: Tenchi! Tenchi: I'm here Ryoko, I'm here. (Tenchi comes to her aid, taking her hand.) Tyler (Ryoko): Give that hand back, I’m not done with it yet! Ryoko: Thank god your here Tenchi... (Ryoko grabs Tenchi's shoulder and pulls him closer as she begins to cry.) Tenchi thank god your safe, I had the dream again! Tenchi: Dream, what dream! BF: The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes. Vegeta: The dream that someday little white girls and white boys will play with little black girls and black boys. Jinnai: The dream of ruling El Hazard! (laughs maniacally) Tyler: The wet... Rest of crew: TYLER! Tyler: What? Uh-oh... BF: What’s wrong? Tyler: We’ve got a running gag now. We’re doomed. Ryoko: It's what I wouldn't tell you at dinner. I've been having these dreams or rather nightmares, where you and I are in a meadow and then without warning you fall and then die. And all I can do is look on! Nothing's ever scared me this much before especially a dream! Tenchi: It'll be all right I promise Ryoko. Ryoko: I wish I could be sure, I love you. Tenchi: I'll spend the night with you okay. (Tenchi sits back against the wall behind him and gestures Ryoko to lay her head on his shoulder.) Now sleep Ryoko, I'm here. (Soon Ryoko falls asleep and Tenchi dries the tears from her cheeks as he slowly drifts to sleep. The scene ends with them both asleep in the same position with content on both their faces.) Tyler: If they’re basking in the afterglow already, we must have missed something. BF: If we did, just be glad. Vegeta: My eyes hurt... what’s with the shoddy formatting of this fic? Washuu (on intercom): It’s how we received it. Cope. Scene 4 - It's morning and Tenchi and Ryoko are still sleeping soundly. (Ayeka enters Ryoko's room) Ayeka: TENCHI! (The two slowly awake as all the other girls come to see what's the matter.) Tenchi: Miss Ayeka, it's not what you think! Nothing happened! (Tenchi stands and lets Ryoko's head drop to the floor as the other girls enter.) Nothing happened I swear! Vegeta (Sasami): Oh yeah? Then tell me why you just dropped her head on the floor, OJ! BF: That was wrong on so many levels, Vegeta... Tyler: Particularly you doing a Sasami voice. That’s creepy. Ayeka: Hmm! Ryoko: It's true, nothing happened. I had the dream again and to calm me down he spent the night with me. Ayeka: Oh, well I know your not lying, because if something did happen you would be bragging it! BF: I actually don’t see that happening. Ryoko brags when nothing happens just to get under her skin. I get the feeling that if something really did happen between her and Tenchi, she’d try to keep it a secret just because of how much she cares for him. And you know damn well that Tenchi won’t let something like that slip... Jinnai: Maybe. But when I do something important, I shout it from the mountaintops. I get medals for it! Rest of crew: We know... Washu: What kind of dreams? Tenchi: She's been dreaming of me dyeing in front of her and she could do nothing, Washu. Washu: I wonder what it means? Well come on Ryoko let's go. (Washu begins to exit) I need to do some tests to find out what the dream means. Tenchi: You can do that? Jinnai (Washuu): Of course I can. Granted I do more ACTUAL science than psychology, but I can always make something up. BF: Not bad. Washu: Sure! Now lets go Ryoko! (Washu and Ryoko exit as the others look on.) Tenchi: Well, let's get going on our work! I 've got some major work on the fields since it rained till dark yesterday. Ayeka: Tenchi you shouldn't go out there! Kiyone: Yeah, until we know what that dream means you shouldn't take any risks like reenacting it. Mihoshi: We'll take care of the fields for you Tenchi! (Mihoshi grabs Kiyone in excitement.) It'll be FUN! Tenchi: Thank you Mihoshi, Kiyone and I'll take care of your chores. (All exit) Scene 5 - in Washu's lab. Washu: Hmm, this is very interesting. Your body, in response of that dream is showing functions it's never used before. Jinnai (Washuu): Tell me... have you had this ulcer long? Ryoko: So what, what I want to know is what the dream means! Washu: That's what I'm talking about! You've never dreamed before other than daydreamed. This means that your dream is a sign that we better be careful! I want you to stay with Tenchi at every moment 'till I can find out more! Ryoko: No problem Washu! (Ryoko salutes Washu as she leaves with a huge grin on her face.) (Ryoko exits) Washu: Bye...hmm? Jinnai (Washuu): Wait a minute... what the hell did I just do? Tyler: She just put Tenchi into a sex trap, that’s what she did. Scene 6 - somewhere in the Masaki house. Tenchi: I wonder what that dreams all about, I sure don't need another adventure. Still, it's shown me another side of Ryoko, but it's a side of Ryoko that's very different. BF: Oh, come now! Seeing her sensitive side isn’t THAT unusual! Tyler: Which side would that be? I think after the trip to the onsen, he would have seen all of them... inside and out. (It’s Vegeta’s turn to smack Tyler.) (Ryoko appears) Oh Ryoko? Ryoko: Washu told me stay with you until she can get more info! Tenchi: Well you can help me out, okay? Ryoko: Sure! (Ryoko and Tenchi start dusting and vacuuming as Ayeka spies on them.) Ayeka: I wonder too, I wonder if that dream is even real or if it's a scam to be closer to Tenchi! I'm going to see Washu! (Ayeka exits) Scene 7 - Washu's lab. Washu: Let's see about this dream of yours Ryoko. (Ayeka enters) Ayeka: Miss Washu did you tell Ryoko to stay near Tenchi? Washu: Yup I did. Ayeka: So is it real, did she really have the dream? Washu: Would I tell Ryoko to stay near him if it weren't real? But I'm not sure of what it means. Ayeka: Well remember that Tenchi's aunt and the baby are coming to visit today. BF: All right! Vegeta: What? BF: Taro’s coming! Jinnai: And why does this excite you? BF: While I don’t particularly care for the kid... I mean geez, he pulls people’s hair and even drains his lizard all over Ryoko’s face... it's just that this is going to take me back to the very moment that I fell in love with the greatest scientist the universe has ever known. Washu: Yeah, I can't wait to see how little Terro is doing! Jinnai: I thought you said Taro was coming? BF: Blame the author for the misspelling, not me. Ayeka: Their coming at 1:00, remember. (Ayeka exits) Washu: Little Terro. (Flash back to when Washu was holding Terro as he slept) BF: Aww, I love that scene. Vegeta: You’re not going to cry on us now, are you? BF: And what if I did? Listen... back in the seventies, men went to great lengths to prove how macho they are. Ever since the eighties, they’ve been going to great lengths to prove how sensitive they are. What I say is that too much of any one personality will really turn a girl off. So you see, I try to keep a nice balance of both. I can kick ass, but I can also be soft when I need to be. Tyler: Maybe I should try that instead of the sense of humor thing. That hasn’t worked for me yet. Scene 8 - all the girls and Tenchi are standing in front of the house waiting to greet Terro. Tenchi: Any luck Little Washu with the dream yet? Washu: No not yet, but I wasn't about to work while Terro is here. Sasami: Here they come and look Terro's gotten much bigger! Auntie: Say hello Terro, say hello. Terro: Hi, Tenti. Hi Was-ue. BF: Aww, that’s so adorable! Tyler: I hate to say it, but it is kind of cute. Vegeta: Bah. I hate cute. BF: That sounds awfully familiar. Tell me Vegeta... did you used to a small blue thing of some kind? Vegeta: No. But prior to going through puberty, I did lend my voice talents out to Hanna-Barbera, what of it? Ryoko: Hello Terro, hello. Ayeka: Hi Terro, remember me I'm your Auntie Ayeka! Terro: BAD ladies, BAD! (The entire crew laughs.) Tyler: Oh, man. You know, if this scene was posted alone... and spelled correctly... it would be a lot better. BF: That’s hilarious, really. Ryoko: He remembers us. Ayeka: Yup, he does. Terro: Was-uo. Washu: (giggle) Hi Terro, have you been a good boy? Auntie: Sure has, ever since he saw that three girls and one guy couldn't handle him he's been much better behaved! Ryoko: Well we did some good. Mihoshi: Yup! Ayeka: Indeed... Terro: Poo-poo, POO-POO! All: AHH! Jinnai: A not uncommon reaction. (Washu picks him up and takes him inside) Tenchi: I'd like you to meet Kiyone; she's a friend of Mihoshi's. Kiyone: How do you do? It's an honor to meet the person who forced Mihoshi to learn how to put on diapers. All: (lol) BF: So they SAID lol? Jinnai: What is lol? Is this like when someone’s tongue hangs out of their mouth? Tyler: Not loll. For some reason, the author decided to use netspeak when telling us that the others were laughing. Jinnai: Oh, I get it. Mihoshi: Kiyone! (Washu comes out with Terro on her back) Washu: Let's go for a walk everyone, the weathers great! Auntie: Great idea. (They all walk off to the woods and head for Ryoko's cave. Ryo-oki and Sasami skip ahead as Ryoko drags behind the group. Until they make it to the cave where they stop.) Ryoko: This brings back memories. Tenchi: What you say Ryoko? BF: What you say? Tyler: You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha ha. Vegeta: You can both go to HFIL, you know. Damn Zero Wing... Ryoko: Oh nothing, (whispers to Tenchi) when you were a baby you and your mother would walk by here as I watched. Ayeka: If my memory serves me correctly you saw a lot more then that! (Ryoko and Tenchi blush.) Tyler (Ryoko): Geez, why did I tell her about THAT? >Great I brought them closer to each other< Terro: Wee! Jinnai (Washuu): Not now! Wait until I get you off of my back! Vegeta: Ha ha! (The others begin to leave as Tenchi and Ryoko begin to talk and don't see the others leave. They sit there talking for an hour 'till they realize they're alone.) Ryoko: Where is everyone? Tenchi: I guess everyone went home. Ryoko: Take my hand we'll take a short cut through the meadow! BF (Ryoko): You know, even though that’s where you died in my dream. But this is real life, what could it hurt? (Ryoko grabs Tenchi's Jinnai: Grabs Tenchi’s WHAT? Tyler: Well, if I know Ryoko, it was his... *pause* Isn’t anybody going to try to stop me? BF: No. After all, you made a good point about the running gag being a bad thing. and flies off, only a couple feet off the ground.) Tenchi: Ryoko, slow down! (Ryoko slows down to a stop and lands in the center of the field.) I don't feel so good. Ryoko: WHAT! (Tenchi falls to the ground and begins to dissolve to a crystal.) Tyler (Ryoko): Wait a minute, what’s happ... oh, the dream, right. I’m such a baka. Tenchi, TENCHI! Tenchi: Ryoko, good bye. Ryoko: TENCHI! (Ryoko falls to her knees and begins to cry insanely as she picks up the crystal.) TO BE CONTINUED Jinnai: Does this mean we get a break for a little while? BF: I’m expecting the break to come between the series and the related one-shot. Washuu (on intercom): And you would be right. Just how well DO you know me? BF: Well... Episode 3 - Save Tenchi Scene 1 - in the field. Ryoko: TENCHI! I can't loose you Tenchi. Not like this! Tyler: So Ryoko has become Switch. Vegeta&Jinnai: Huh? Tyler: Ever see The Matrix? Vegeta&Jinnai: No. Tyler: Never mind. BF: So Ryoko can’t loose Tenchi, huh? I guess that means he’ll always be the uptight square we’ve come to know. I love you too much to handle this. I'll take you to Washu and if need be I'll give up my soul for you to live. (Ryoko picks up the crystal which was once Tenchi and teleports to Washu's lab.) Tyler (standing): Excuse me a minute... BF: What? Tyler: I’m going to head back to the lab and say hi. Vegeta: You idiot, we’re inside the author’s mind right now. If you try leaving now, you’ll be done f... on second thought, go right ahead. BF: Cool it, Vegeta. And Tyler, you sit down. It'll be alright I promise Tenchi, you'll come back to life and everything will be alright. It will be as it was before and we'll live happily ever after. You and Ayeka can marry, you've always liked Ayeka better. She deserves you more, she didn't try to destroy a whole planet, and she didn't try to kill your grandfather. She hasn't done any evil in her life like I have. Vegeta: HA HA HA!!! The only reason I'm staying here with you is because I love you, if you leave me forever I'll just kill myself, I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU! I love you...Love you. (Washu enters) Washu: Ryoko, where were you and Tenchi? His Aunt left angry because of him being rude. Ryoko: Washu... (Ryoko looks up at Washu with tears in her eyes.) Washu: HUH, RYOKO! Ryoko: WASHU PLEASE HELP TENCHI! (Ryoko runs to Washu and falls to her knees giving the crystal to her.) WASHU! (Ryoko grabs Washu's shoulders and begins to cry) Washu: Oh my darling mommy will fix it, mommy will fix little girls love. Ryoko: I can't live without him, if you can't save him, well I don't know what I'd do! Tyler (Ryoko as Dr. Evil): Well I’d probably move on, have you make another clone. But there would be a five minute period where I would just be inconsolable. BF: Trust me, her grieving period would be a lot longer than that. Washu: Don't worry little Ryoko I have him up and around in just a little while. Ryoko: My poor Tenchi. Washu: HUH WHAT THE? Ryoko: WHAT? Washu: I can't bring him back, his Jurei energy is too weak! Vegeta: And his JURAI energy seems to be non-existent at the moment. He's half earthling making it so I'm unable to bring him back! The only thing that can revive him is the Gods! Tyler: So I guess it’s time for Washuu to drop the little girl act and call up her sisters. Washuu (on intercom): What was that? Tyler: Oh, sorry... Washuu-CHAN. Washuu (on intercom): That’s not what I meant. What’s this about sisters? Tyler: Well, you see, To... mmph! (Buck had quickly placed a hand over Tyler’s mouth.) BF: Don’t pay any attention to him, Washuu-chan. He’s just drunk again. Washuu (on intercom): So what else is new? BF: Tyler, if you ever try breaking big news to her without her discovering on her own like that again, I’ll rip your arm off and make a weathervane. Jinnai: Can I have the other one? A weathervane would be a good warning device if Afura is approaching. Ryoko: WHAT (picking up the crystal) no, NOOOO... TENCHI! I would give up my life, my soul for him TENCHI, DAMNIT WAKE UP... WAKE UP! Washu: Ryoko go, go get everyone. (Ryoko exits) The others must know, Tenchi I'm sorry there's nothing I can do. (All enter.) Scene 2 - at Washu's lab. Ayeka: Miss Washu what's happened, is everything alright? Washu: No Tenchi's... Tenchi's All: WHAT! Ayeka: No, NO! Sasami: Washu, can you do anything? Washu: No it's hopeless, there's nothing I can do. BF: That’s a damn lie. She had less to work with in Manatsu no Eve when she cloned Mayuka. Vegeta: But would Ryoko wait another seventeen years for Tenchi to get back to the way he is now? BF: That’s a good point. Ryoko: There's nothing you can do but there's something I can do! All: WHAT! Ryoko: I call you once more, I call you forth and give you my power to be in this world Aireal APPEAR NOW! (Aireal appears as the lab is destroyed by the energy of him and Ryoko. All go to the living room with Aireal following.) Vegeta: Okay, who the f*** is Aireal? Jinnai: Isn’t she the little lesbian that hangs around with that bastard Makoto? BF: That’s Alielle, stupid. Jinnai: Oh, right. Tyler: Well maybe if the three of you will shut up, we’ll find out. Aireal: So Ryoko you finally admit you need my help! (giggles) I can't wait to work with you! Ayeka: Ryoko, who is this? Ryoko: Let's just call him an old friend. This is Aireal the most powerful being of all time. Jinnai: You know, this Aireal fellow could come in handy when I... Rest of crew: Enough already! Jinnai: Okay, okay. Jeez, you’re just like the last crew I worked with... Washu: How do you know him, he is one of the most secretive people. Ryoko: I'd rather not talk about it! Aireal: We dated for a while! Ryoko: For a day. Aireal: It felt like a lifetime. Ryoko: Turned out he just wanted my soul. Aireal: Yes, she has the most powerful soul of anyone, anywhere, anytime! BF: Does that make her the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be? Tyler: Damn, you retire from the sport and still think about nothing but. BF: I think about other things too, you know (points at intercom) Jinnai: You’re thinking about a career in communications? (Vegeta smacks Jinnai in the back of the head.) Jinnai: What was that for? Vegeta: For being a fool. I understand what he’s talking about. Jinnai: But this is your what? Third fic together? Vegeta: But I understood it the first time out, too. It’s painfully obvious. Ryoko: Well, I've got an offer for you. Revive Tenchi and give him eternal youth and immortality. And my soul is yours and my life is mine! Aireal: Hmm, intrusting should I? Ryoko: AIREAL! Aireal: I'll take it! Ryoko: Tenchi FIRST! Aireal: Tenchi REVIVE! He's done. (Tenchi appears.) Ryoko: Good. (All facefault.) BF: Well THAT was anticlimactic. Tyler: Hey, that’s two facefaults in one fic for us. Are we actually becoming anime characters now? BF: That’s up to our writer. But come to think of it, there’s already an anime character named Tyler. Perhaps we should watch that sometime. Jinnai: You mean Irresponsible Captain Tyler? I’ve heard some things about him. Seems like a fun guy. Aireal: Ryoko, your soul. (Ryoko begins to glow and she drops her knees.) Tyler: Ouch. Vegeta: How did she do that? Ryoko: AHHH! Aireal: Nice doing business with you, bye! (Aireal disappears. Tenchi stands alive and well and runs to Ryoko.) Tenchi: RYOKO! Ryoko: Tenchi. (Ryoko faints) Tyler: So now Tenchi’s alive but Ryoko is dead? That doesn’t sound like a very good trade-off to me... Tenchi: Ryoko I'm so sorry I love you, I'm sorry that you had to do this. Washu: Tenchi, are you alright? Tenchi: Yes I'm fine. Washu: Good, can you bring Ryoko to my lab? Mihoshi: But Washu wasn't you lab destroyed? Washu: Yes, but it is the best place. (Tenchi picks up Ryoko and carries her as everyone heads to Washu's lab.) Scene 3 - Washu's lab. Washu: I'll need to do some testing to be sure, but I think that the demon really did it! Tenchi: How can you tell if someone's soul is not there? Washu: Well, if someone has no soul they can't laugh or cry. They can want to, but they can't do it. Tyler: Pablo Neruda says that laughter is the language of the soul. BF: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda. Vegeta: I get so tired of you two quoting from The Simpsons. Tenchi: Oh Ryoko, my poor Ryoko. Ayeka: So Tenchi, you choose Ryoko. She'll be so happy I'm sure. BF: As happy as someone with NO SOUL can be. Washu: Oh... look she's waking up! Tenchi: Ryoko are you alright? Washu: Tenchi she can't answer, without her soul she'll be in a trans with empty eyes. Tenchi: Oh Ryoko. Scene 4 - in the middle of no where with Aireal and Ryoko. Aireal: I finnally have you Ryoko, your soul is mine. Ryoko: Tenchi. Aireal: So how do you feel? Ryoko: Tenchi. Tyler (Aireal): And WHO do you feel? Vegeta (Ryoko): Tenchi. BF: Oh, come on! Tyler: But it was so easy! Aireal: So? Ryoko: Tenchi. Aireal: Is that all your going to say? Ryoko: Tenchi. Aireal: RYOKO! Ryoko: Tenchi. Aireal: So help me! Ryoko: Tenchi. Jinnai (Aireal): Okay, fine. So help Tenchi. Aireal: Nevermind. Ryoko: Tenchi, Tenchi, Tenchi, Tenchi, Tenchi... Scene 5 - back at the Musaki residence with the whole family. BF: Whose family would that be? Tyler: Can’t be Tenchi’s family... that would be Masaki. Tenchi: I must get Ryoko's soul back, I owe her it. Washu: I better come along if you need a docter. Yosho: I'm coming too. (Tsunami appears) Tsunami: So am I. Tenchi: Thank you Tsunami, Grandfather. Tsunami: Come all. Ryo-oki: Meow, MEEOOW! (101 Ryo-oki crystals appear and turn in to space ships.) Vegeta: Now wait just a damn minute! Tyler: Can that happen? BF: No, it most certainly can’t. While there could possibly be that many crystals, there can only be one ship. After all, the crystals are Ryo-Ohki’s control system. If they all turned into ships... Tyler: I understand. There’d be no way of maneuvering any of them. BF: Right. All Ryo-oki: MEOOOW! Tenchi: Come Ryo-oki lets go! (All the characters go into Tsunami (Tyler opens his mouth like he’s about to say something. He gets dirty looks from the other three people in the ship, then shuts up.) and all the Ryo-okis follow.) Scene 6 - all are heading to space and following the tracking meter on Ryoko. As Ryoko and Aireal are watching. Ryoko: TENCHI! Go back, turn back TENCHI! Aireal: So you finnally say something other then "Tenchi"! That's all you've said since I've brought you here! Ryoko: Tenchi. Aireal: Dam. Tyler (Ryoko): Yes sir. Which river? BF (Aireal): I never did like that Hudson... it’s got a dirty mouth. Vegeta&Jinnai: Boo! Vegeta: You go way too far for puns sometimes, you know that? Ryoko: Tenchi. (Aireal disappears.) Tenchi. (Ryoko flashbacks to when Tenchi dies and then to when Tenchi comes back to life.) Tenchi, I'm so sorry don't come please don't come. I have nothing left to give to save you. I love you Tenchi, I love you. (Ryoko begins to cry.) Scene 7 - Tenchi is in the prayer room in Tsunami, alone. Tenchi: Ryoko I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to get you into this mess. (Ayeka enters.) Ayeka: Tenchi, what do you mean "this mess"? Tenchi: Ayeka, I know who killed me. Ayeka: Who? Tenchi: I did. Ayeka: What? Tenchi: I killed myself. To Be Continued Crew: What? Tyler: Why would he do a stupid thing like that? With all those women around, I would have absolutely no desire to kill myself. Jinnai: With all that power, I wouldn’t want to kill myself, either. BF: If the rest of the fic series is any indication, it’ll turn out that he did it for some really bizarre, pointless reason. Episode 4 - Ryoko and Tenchi's Love Scene 1 - in the pray room in Tsunami. Ayeka: What Tenchi, why? (Yosho enters) Yosho: It's because of me. Ayeka: But why? BF (Yosho): Ah, it comes from the time I spent with Yuzuha when I was a child. You know those life crystals she ate? She’s absolutely right, they’re delicous. Tyler: That’s sick, man. Yosho: Because there was an ancient prophet that said that that the first grandchild of the first crown prince will die. I discided that he needed to get it past us. I thought that I would be able to revive him but out of love Ryoko acted out and brought him to Washu. Doesn't matter, if Washu couldn't revive him, I wouldn't been able to. Ayeka: But why kill him why not wait? Tenchi: Grandfather didn't want me to suffer so he gave me a pill which would kill me when I least expect it, but give me no pain. Other wize I might of felt pain. (Yosho exits) Vegeta: You were right, Buck. Just a pointless ancient prophecy. Jinnai: No real story behind it or anything. It’s sad what people will sit and read these days. Ayeka: How could you, don't you realize that you could have never come back to us? What would you have us do if you never came back? Tenchi: I didn't know that there was such a risk, if I did I would have told you. Ayeka: Isn't dying enough? (Ayeka puts her arms around Tenchi and holds him close.) Tenchi: I wasn't suppose to die when I was around you girls. I was soppose to die with Grandfather and none of you would know the better. BF: Yet the pill would have killed him when he least expected it. Makes perfect sense. (Ayeka pulls back and looks at Tenchi for a moment and then she slaps Tenchi.) Ayeka: How could you, HOW COULD YOU? Not only for me, but for all of us! And LOOK, look what you did to Ryoko! Even she who tried to destroy my world, doesn't disserve this! Jinnai: So Ryoko does no disservice to them. Funny, I always thought she was the lazy one. BF: Do I even need to tell you guys what we have to do in this situation? Vegeta: Nope. (The crew smiles and nods.) Tenchi: I know, I had no idea. I'm sorry. (Ayeka exits) Scene 2 - in Washu's lab. Washu: So your saying that Yosho and Tenchi planed his death? Vegeta (Ayeka): It’s not MY saying. It’s an ancient prophecy, remember? Ayeka: Yes. Washu: Well that's interesting. I'll have to talk to Yosho. When you leave don't tell anyone else what you've learned, because if Ryoko learns of it after we get her soul! Well I'd hate to see what happens. Ayeka: Right. (Ayeka exits) Washu: I wonder? (talks in an intercome) Jinnai: And how often does she use this intercom? I thought we were special... Yosho I need to see you! (Washu types as she waits.) (Yosho enters.) Yosho: Yes Washu? Washu: I need to under stand some things. I thought that Tenchi couldn't die, because he was the same as the sword? Yosho: Yes that is true but as you also know, destiny is everything and if he didn't die like he did he would be sent to the Pit! Washu: The Pit? Are you talking about that pit in Jurei that only the doom can even set foot near? Tyler (Yosho): No, I’m talking about that pit in Jurai that only... BF: That will be sufficient, Tyler. Yosho: Yes and destiny is stronger then magic! Washu : So you disided to give him less pain? So you gave him a pill, but in beleaving Vegeta (standing): And I think WE shoud be leaving, too. BF: May as well sit down, there’s no way out until we leave this body... that it hadn't worked you sent him off, but it turns out it just was slow working. Yosho: Exactlly. Jinnai: It’s so very sad when an author can’t even be contiguous within their own work. Tyler: Right. First they say the pill would kill him when he least expects it... Vegeta: And now it turns out that it didn’t work as soon as they thought it would? That it was supposed to be instantaneous but was only slow working? (Buck smiles and nods.) Scene 3 - in the middle of nowhere with Ryoko and Aireal. Ryoko: Tenchi hold on to your life and never let go. (Arieal enters) Aireal: Ryoko, I brought some sake! Ryoko: You basterd I can't drink it will just go through me, I'm a GHOST! (Ryoko begins to age suddenly stopping at the looks of a 30 years old.) What the hells happening to me? Why am I ageing, I'm dead! Aireal: You're not dead, and I don't know why your ageing! Ryoko: I thought you were all knowing? Aireal: I'm not. Vegeta: Clearly. Tyler: I don’t think anything related to this author could be all knowing. Ryoko: You better look it up! (Ryoko ages to 40.) Aireal: I'll be right back! (Aireal disappears) Ryoko: What's happening? (Aireal appears) Aireal: I've got the answer, your ageing because you have nothing supporting your life force. There are only two things that supported your soul's life were your body and the love from another person. Jinnai: He was gone an awfully short time to look something like that up. Tyler: But don’t you remember? He’s supposed to be the most powerful being of ALL TIME!!! Ryoko: What do you mean? Aireal: Well first off, when your soul is in your body it is charged by the heart and you are a demon and so your soul is not supported by god. And you don't know if someone loves you as a lover or not, and you have to know for it to work. Ryoko: What about Tenchi, I love him and he at least loves me as a friend! Aireal: Not enough. Ryoko: Tenchi if you're going to save me hurry up. No matter what I love you Tenchi, I love you. (Ryoko ages to 50.) Tenchi, Tenchi . . . Tenchi. Scene 4 - in the main room of Tsunami. Tsunami: I think we should attack them on the Shadow Lands they'll never suspect that since most die if they go in that but since we have Washu who incidentally created it we'll be fine. Vegeta: Isn’t that convenient? BF: Nothing about Washuu-chan surprises me anymore. I wouldn’t doubt that she created everything around us. Tyler: She did. She built this ship, right? BF: You know what I mean. Washu: Ya, we'll be all right, no problem. Tenchi: Grandpa? Yosho: I agree, he may be all knowing but he doesn't know the future. Jinnai: Excuse me Yosho, but we’ve already established that he’s NOT all knowing. He said it himself. (Rest of crew smiles and nods... is this getting a little redundant?) Tsunami: We're coming to the Shadow Lands after we're in, it'll only be a couple of minutes. Scene 5 - We see Ryoko watching in the globe that shows the ship of Tsunami. Then you see Tsunami flying into darkness with the ryo-oki's following. Ryoko: Tenchi. Tenchi: Ryoko. (Ryoko realizes that the ships had arrived and Aireal appears.) Aireal: Ryoko, lets go! (Aireal grabs Ryoko and pulls her away.) Ryoko: NO! (Tenchi and the gang enter.) Tyler (Tenchi): Drop yo’ stank hands offa my bee-otch, foo’! Jinnai: Translation? BF: Let go of my girlfriend, foo’! Tenchi: LET HER GO! All girls: Yeah! Yosho: You have shamed the gods of every world! Aireal: So what it doesn't matter, I control it all! (Ryoko pulls away and fly's to Tenchi.) BF: Then Tenchi panics. Tyler (Tenchi): Eww! You look all old, and stuff! Vegeta: She IS all old and stuff. Tyler: But she never looked it before. Tenchi: I brought something for you. (Tenchi reveals Ryoko's body and lets her rejoin with it. As Ryoko joins her body she regains her youth.) Ryoko: I love you Tenchi, but you shouldn't have come! Tenchi: I needed to find you to say thank you and to say I love you. Ryoko: Tenchi, lets take care of this ass! Tyler (Tenchi): We’ll do that when we get home. Right now, I have to fight Aireal. Vegeta: Shut up, Tyler. Tenchi: Okay! (All attack Aireal. Ryoko puts on her battle outfit and gives the first blow.) Ryoko: HAAAAAH! DAM YOU! (Ryoko gives Tenchi a shot at Aireal, the light sword swipes his arm off cleanly with hardly any blood.) Tenchi: Dam you I'll make you pay for all you have done! BF (Tenchi): Let’s see here... that’s $19.50 for the picture frame you broke, $3.95 for my manga that you dropped into the lake... and oh yes, your immortal soul for kidnapping Ryoko. Tyler (Aireal): Will you take a check? BF (Tenchi): I don’t know... oh, all right. Tyler (Aireal): One soul, coming right up! Aireal: Hmm, yeah right! Your nothing compared to me! Tenchi: What the... how come he's not in pain, I just caught off his arm! Aireal: Was I suppose to do something? Oh, ouch. (Aireal grows back his arm and makes a huge ball of energy.) There is nothing you can do! I will have Ryoko if I have to kill all of you! (He throws the energy ball.) All: Ahhhh! (All fall to their knees, and lie on the ground till the smoke passes. Ryoko rises to her feet and shakes off the dust. Then she sees the others on the ground but can't see Tenchi. She runs to Ayeka and picks up her head.) Tyler: Leaving her body on the ground. Ayeka was dead, and the villagers rejoice. Jinnai: What have you got against Ayeka? Tyler: Let me count the ways... Vegeta: Kats, this man does not speak for all of us. Ayeka may be a bitch, but she is a princess. And as a prince, I feel it’s my duty to stick up for her. Jinnai: Since when did you become noble? And didn’t I tell you not to call me Kats? Ryoko: Ayeka are you alright, where's Tenchi? Ayeka: Ryoko good bye. (Ayeka dies.) Tyler: Holy crap, I was right! Ryoko: She's dead, they're all dead! But where's Tenchi? TENCHI! Tenchi: Ryoko. (Tenchi calls as Ryoko follows the sound.) Ryoko: Oh Tenchi are you all right? Tenchi: I'm sorry I couldn't save you. Ryoko I love you. (Tenchi dies.) BF: Yeah, you were right. But even you have to see something bad in all of them dying. Vegeta: Wasn’t Tsunami with them? BF: Yes. Vegeta: How can a goddess die? (Buck shrugs.) Ryoko: I won't let it end this way, you will be all right! (Ryoko attacks.) Haaa, I'll kill you I swear it! Aireal: I wouldn't if I were you. (Aireal shoots a massive energy ball at Ryoko, which hits her directly and throws her back.) Ryoko: Huh, he's strong. Aireal: What did you expect, I am the strongest being of all time and space! Ryoko: Tenchi? Aireal: I'll kill you quickly so I don't have to hear you scream. (Aireal makes an energy sword appear and aims it at Ryoko.) You ready to die? Because I'm ready to kill you. (Aireal strikes at Ryoko and puts the sword through her heart.) Ryoko: Tenchi, I'm sorry Tenchi. (Ryoko dies.) Aireal: Ha, you loss I win! So what if I don't have Ryoko's soul at least no one else has her. BF: That’s a little selfish. Jinnai: You can’t own something, so you destroy it. I like how this guy works. Tyler: You would. Scene 6 - Aireal has left leaving the bodies on the ground Ryoko and Tenchi are lying together while the rest of them are a yard back. Then the gems on the sword and the gem on Ryoko begin to glow. Then the gems free themselves from the sword and Ryoko and float above the dead couple. They glow to a bright white as they revive the dead and fly off to Aireal's courters as the others follow. Crew: Yeah, right. That would happen. Aireal: What the? Gems: You have done evil and must punish! (Gems rejoin with Ryoko.) Tyler: The gems can TALK? BF: Not very well, apparently. “You have done evil and must punish”? Ryoko: You haven't seen anything yet now I have all the gems and I will destroy you! Aireal: Yeah right you can't do anything to me. Ryoko: Watch me, Ryo-okis come! (101 ryo-okis appear as Ryoko is empowered by the gems and produces a longer sword then normal.) Vegeta (Announcer): Has your energy sword been dysfunctional lately? Then you need Plasma-Viagra! Guaranteed to make that sword longer and stronger than ever! BF: You had to do it, didn’t you? Tyler: You stole my line, dick! This time I'll really kill you, attack! (The ryo-okis shoot lasers at Aireal as Ryoko strikes with the sword and puts it through his stumick.) Tyler: His what? BF: I’m no med student, but I don’t think he has one of those. Jinnai: Does anybody? Vegeta: No. Aireal: Bitch, you demon! Washu: Ryoko stop! (Ryoko pulls the sword out of his stumick and looks at Washu.) Ryoko: Washu! Washu: Ryoko if you kill him you'll become him! Ryoko: What? (Tsunami appears.) Tsunami: She's right if you kill him you will gain all his power and knowledge. Ryoko: And this is bad because? BF (Washuu): Because then you’ll be an egocentric prick, same as he was. Washu: Because you'll be the leader of all, including the three goddesses! Ryoko: Uh huh? Tsunami: If you kill him you won't be able to marry Tenchi! Ryoko: Why not? Aireal: Because you'll be too high up for him and if you marry he'll die! Tyler: I think that did it for her. Vegeta: Yep. Ryoko: Fine you won't die, but stay away from us all right! Aireal: Okay. Ryoko: Good, oh by the way, how did you kill Tenchi when he was Immortal? Aireal: I lied. BF: What? Tenchi is immortal all of a sudden? Tyler: Don’t tell me we’ll have to go back and pay closer attention to this dreck... (Ryoko glares at Aireal for a moment then she walks away making the sword disappear.) You will die! DIE! (Aireal attacks as Ryoko turns to him as the light hawk wings grow around her.) Vegeta: Can she do that? BF: Theoretically. Since the author gave her all the gems, she should be able to. Just remember what Funaho told Washuu-chan in episode 13. Tyler: I get it. You demon, how did you know? (The light hawk wings glow as they shoot a beam of energy at Aireal.) Ryoko: One I'm warrior, and two you yelled it out! Dumb ASS! Jinnai: When did he yell out that she could creat Lighthawk Wings? (The rest of the crew shrug.) Jinnai: I’m starting to get really sick of authors not knowing what they wrote earlier. (Aireal dies.) Ah, what the? (Washu and Tsunami faint as Yosho and Kiyone catch them.) Tenchi: Ryoko, your gaining his power and knowledge. Ryoko: Tenchi? Tenchi: You did very well, good job. Ryoko: I don't want his knowledge, he's a dumb ass! Tenchi: What? Ryoko: When he had me he told me he had very little knowledge, that he was a fraud! He only knew things he had lived or heard. Vegeta (Washuu): Well, I guess that means YOU’RE going to be a dumbass now. I just can’t explain why killing somebody will make you inherit their knowledge... BF: Well, it can’t get much worse. Tyler: Actually, I read the movie we’re supposed to hit at the end already. Trust me, it DOES get worse. Tenchi: Grandfather are Washu and Tsunami all right? Yosho: Yes, wait Washu is waking up! Washu: Ryoko? Tenchi: Are you all right? Washu: Yes, but is Ryoko all right? Ryoko: I'm all right, but what's happening to me? (Tsunami awakes.) Tsunami: Washu, sister? Washu: I'm all right, you? Tsunami: Fine. All: Sisters? Washu: It's not important now! BF (Washuu): Yes, it’s not important how I know that we’re sisters! (Washu and Tsunami walk to Ryoko and bow.) Ryoko: Why are you bowing? Tsunami: Because you are the leader of all things now. Washu: Yes, you killed Aireal and now you can do anything you want. Ayeka: But she can't marry Tenchi now, so he's mine! Tsunami: Not true, you see he was lying about that. Washu: And he was controlling us so we would back him up. BF: ARGH! Jinnai: What’s his problem? Vegeta (to Jinnai): He doesn’t like hearing that there’s anyone powerful enough to control Washuu. Ryoko: Wait up, I maybe some supreme one now but I don't really care. I'm only going to use the powers for good and I don't want to be leader so you guy's rule. BF: You’re damn right they do! Vegeta: Okay fanboy, settle. Tsunami: Yes, your majesty. BF: Don’t call her that! Vegeta: Do I have to get the hose? Tyler: Depends. Can you get a blonde one? Vegeta: I beg your pardon? Tyler: Because I could really go for some blonde hos right about now. Anything to take my mind off this fic. Ryoko: Look I don't want any of you treating me different, okay? All: Okay. Ryoko: Wait a minute, there is one thing I'm going to take advantage of right now, but only this once. (Ryoko puts her arms around Tenchi's neck then gives him a passionate kiss.) Ayeka: Ryoko! Tenchi? Tyler: And what are YOU going to do about it, bitch? Ryoko: So? (Tenchi blushes.) Episode 5 - Prom Night Vegeta: Uh-oh, I smell lemon. (Tyler puts down the Country Time he had just opened.) Tyler: Oh, sorry. Vegeta: Not that, fool. BF: But the last time somebody sensed the lemon scene coming up, they were wrong. Scene 1 - at Tenchi's school. Teacher: Well kids, ready for the prom? Kids: YEAH! Mike: So Tenchi, which girl are you going to bring? Tyler (Tenchi): Girl? What, didn’t you know? BF: Don’t you dare finish that. Tyler: All right. Tenchi: I have no idea. I might not go since I have so much to do. Mike: Bummer, well I'm bringing Sarah. (Bell rings.) Tenchi: Well I better go. Mike: Well remember it's tomorrow, call me if you change your mind! (Tenchi exits.) I wish I were in his shoes. Tyler: And he wishes you were in his... BF: What did I just tell you? Tyler: Oh, right. BF (to Vegeta): Next time he tries something like that, you have full permission to Gallic Gun his puny ass. (Vegeta grins evilly.) Scene 2 - at Musaki residence. Jinnai: Completely unrelated to the Masaki residence. Tenchi: I'm home! Ryoko and Ayeka: Tenchi! Ayeka: Take me! Ryoko: NO, take me! Tyler (Tenchi): Girls, girls! I can take you BOTH, just follow me up to my bedroom and we can get started. Vegeta: Gallic Gun! (Tyler is burned beyond all recognition. He puffs a smoke ring.) Tyler: Point well taken. Tenchi: Take you where? BF (Tenchi as Garth): I’m low on gas and you need a jacket. Ryoko: To the PROM of course! Ayeka: He's not taking you anywhere! Ryoko: Oh yeah bitch! Tenchi: Ryoko! Now you aren't going! Ryoko: Dam! Vegeta (Tenchi): You got it! Now that you rule the universe, you can order me around as much as you feel like. Which river? BF: How about the... Vegeta: You make the “dirty mouth” joke again and you’ll end up like Tyler. Tyler: Misery loves company, you know. Go right ahead. BF: No, that’s okay. Tenchi: Ryoko! Ryoko: Sorry. Ayeka: Haha! Scene 3 - the next night, and the doorbell rings. Tenchi: I got it! Mike: Hi Tenchi, great suit! Tenchi: Where's Sarah? Mike: She got sick. Tenchi: That sucks, Ayeka! Tyler: And Ayeka really appreciated it, too. Vegeta: You asked for it! Tyler: Bring it on, these third degree burns have dulled me to all pain. BF: No! No Final Flash in an enclosed space! Vegeta: Ah, he wouldn’t feel it anyway. So never mind. I’ll wait until he heals up before I nail him again. Ayeka: Coming! Tyler: That’s usually what happens when one is su... Rest of Crew: TYLER! Tyler: Didn’t we drop this gag three or four episodes ago? Scene 4 - in Ayeka's room. Ryoko: I gotta say you look good Ayeka. Ayeka: Thank you, but your still not going! BF: Aw come on... let her still go! The punch at that prom is going to be spiked anyway, why not spike it with moonshine? Jinnai: What? BF: That’s the kind of liquor brewed in a still. Ryoko: Ayeka. (Ryoko and Ayeka enter room where Tenchi is.) Tenchi: Ayeka you look great, but will one of you be Mike's date? Ryoko: What happened to his? Mike: She got sick. Ryoko: Well I'll be your date! BF (Mike): Thank God! I was worried it would be Ay... oh. I forgot you were still here, princess. (Vegeta laughs to beat hell.) Ayeka and Tenchi: WHAT! Mike: You will? Ryoko: Sure! >This will get me back on Tenchi's good side.< (Ryoko exits.) Got to get ready, one second! Ready! (Ryoko enters.) Tenchi and Mike: Wow. Mike: You look, well. Tyler (Ryoko): I should hope so. I don’t think I’ve ever really been sick... Tenchi: GREAT! You look great. Ryoko: Thanks, let's go! All: Right! (All exit.) Jinnai: And did they exit to the right, as they said? Vegeta: Just shut up. I’m starting to regret ever inviting you on this excursion. Scene 5 - at the prom. Host: All right everyone it's time to party! I want every one of you to cast a vote for our prom king and queen! And in just a few minutes we're going to have the dance contest! Kids: YEAH! Mike: Do you dance Ryoko? Ryoko: Do I dance? Of course I do! Tenchi: Ryoko you dance? BF: Pathetic bastard doesn’t know much about these so-called “friends” of his, does he? Tyler: Tenchi is just an oblivious jackass is all. Ryoko: Yup! Ayeka: I never knew that? Ryoko: We've never been to a dance before. (Ryoko and Mike go off and dance.) Tenchi: Would you like to dance? Ayeka: I can't. Tenchi: Why not? Ayeka: I can't dance. BF (singing): I can’t talk. Only thing about me is the way I walk. (The rest of the crew joins in.) Crew: I can’t dance. I can’t sing. I’m just standing here selling everything. Tyler: I never knew that Phil Collins had such global appeal. Tenchi: I'm not very good either so lets go get some snacks. Ayeka: Okay. Ryoko: Wonder what they're doing? Mike: I know you would much rather be with Tenchi. He's told me a lot about you and Ayeka. To tell you the true, from what's he's told me of Ayeka I'd rather be with her. (Ryoko glares.) Not that your bad, she's just more my type! Tyler: Does that mean that Mike is a snobbish, bitter asshole too? BF: I may not like Ayeka... and she may be snobbish and bitter, but she’s no asshole, really. How would you feel if your planet was attacked by a superpowered criminal and you thought your fiance had died in pursuit of said criminal? Vegeta: Did I mention how much I like this man yet? I mean, he’ll defend people at the drop of a hat... but he does it with LOGIC! Jinnai: It’s incredible. BF: Yeah, but there’s one that I will defend above all else. It’s just really too bad that she’s not here with us right now. Tyler: Christ, we’ll be getting back to her in a little while, settle down. Ryoko: There is away we both can be happy. Mike: What? Ryoko: After we win that dance contest, we can go to them and offer to teach them how to dance. Mike: Good idea. But do you think we could really win the dance contest? Ryoko: Worth a try. Host: And now it's time for the dance contest, so everyone who wants to try let's get dancing! (Ryoko and Mike dance like mad they do moves from many famous dances like the waltz only they modernized it.) Jinnai: I hate to be a stickler, but a modernized waltz will not win a dance contest. Even in Japan. Host: And it looks like we'll have a close one this year! But wait Mike just lifted his partner and now their doing some dirty dancing! So kids, who should win? Mike and his partner, or Jim and Rabecca? Tyler: Depends... who the hell are Jim and Rabecca? Kids: Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike! Tyler: And apparently they don’t give a rat’s ass about Ryoko. Host: I guess the winner is Mike and his lovely partner! (Mike and Ryoko stop dancing.) So how do you feel? Mike: Great! Host: And who is this gorgus creature and where is she from? Mike: This is Ryoko, one of the six girls that live with Tenchi. My date got sick and so she offered to be my date. Host: Six girls? (Quietly talks to an official.) I just got the word that we'll be announcing the king and queen in a half an hour so everyone please cast your votes? BF (Host): He lives with six girls, he’s got this one sewn up... Tenchi: You guys were great! Ryoko: Thanks. But now it's time for us to achieve our second goal for tonight. Ayeka: What's that? Mike: We're going to teach you guys how to dance! Tenchi and Ayeka: What? Ryoko: Come on Tenchi I'll try to go easy on you. Mike: Please Ayeka? Ayeka: All right, come on Tenchi it'll be fun! Mike: I'll dance with you and Ryoko will dance with Tenchi. (Scene ends with Ryoko and Mike teaching Ayeka and Tenchi to dance.) Scene 6 - a little later in the garden behind the school where Ryoko and Tenchi are talking. Tenchi: Thank you Ryoko for being Mike's date. Ryoko: To tell you the truth I only did it to get back on your good side for calling Ayeka a bitch, I'm sorry. Tenchi: That's all right. Tyler (Tenchi): Really, it’s okay. She IS a bitch. I was just acting perturbed because she was around. Ryoko: It's just Ayeka bugs me so much sometimes I could just. (Tenchi takes Ryoko's face and points it to him. Then he kisses her with a feeling of lust and love.) Tenchi: I love you Ryoko, and I'll always love you. (Crew facefault.) Vegeta: Well THAT was sudden. Tyler: Just how many times are we going to facefault during this fic? We made it through our first two outings without ONE, and we’ve hit upon three just tonight... (Ryoko and Tenchi then kiss with more passion then before not noticing Ayeka spying on them.) Ayeka: Tenchi? (Mike enters holding some punch.) Mike: I got us some punch? (He notices Tenchi and Ryoko.) So I see. (He takes Ayeka to a bench.) Ayeka: Aren't you mad? Mike: No. Ayeka: Why not? Mike: For two reasons, one they love each other. Ayeka: And two? Mike: Because I would have much rather come with you as my date. (She gives him a little kiss on the cheek.) Vegeta: But he’s just a... an Earthling! And a commoner at that! BF: Ayeka would never... EVER really do something like that. Host: And now it's time to announce our king and queen so would all students come to the stage! Ryoko: Come on Tenchi! (Ryoko and Tenchi head to the stage.) Mike: Lets go Ayeka! (Ayeka and Mike head for the stage.) Host: We all here? Great! And our king is TENCHI! Kids: TENCHI! Ryoko: Go on Tenchi! (Ryoko pushes him on to the stage and stands in the back.) Tenchi: Thank you. Host: And our queen is RACHAEL! Crew: WHO? Tyler: What kind of crap is that? BF: Hmm... if I remember my own high school prom correctly... it’s been nineteen years... but non-students aren’t eligible to win. So, sorry Ryoko. Kids: Boo! Host: How to you feel? Rachael: I feel great! >Tenchi is mine now< Ryoko: When I'm dead! (Ryoko walks up to Tenchi and Rachael and kicks her off the stage.) Kids: YEAH! Host: Well I guess Ryoko is our new queen? And now it's time for the royal dance! Vegeta: I guess you were wrong, Buck. BF: Well, whatever. I don’t know how proms go in Japan. Vegeta: I doubt this author does, either. Rachael: Bitch! Ryoko: Yeah? (Rachael try's to slap Ryoko, but Ryoko catches her arm and punches.) Rachael: Bitch! Wait where's my fake boob? AH. (Rachael runs out.) Tyler: Does anybody else think this author has issues with prom queens in general? Crew (in monotone): No. Not at all. Ryoko: Let's dance Tenchi. (Scene ends with Tenchi and Ryoko dancing.) Scene 7 - at Masaki residence. Ayeka: Thank you for the lovely time. Mike: I should be thanking you. (Ayeka gives him a small kiss and walks inside.) Ryoko: Tenchi, I'll never forget this night. Tenchi: I love you. (They kiss and then go to bed.) Tyler: Whoo! They’re going to bed! Vegeta: Have you healed from that Gallic Gun yet? Tyler: Not completely. Vegeta: Damn. Well, I’m a patient man... Episode 6 - To Be, or Not To Be Scene 1 - at Ryoko's cave. Ryoko: Tenchi I think it's time. Tenchi: I do too. Ryoko: I'll meet you there then. (Ryoko disappears.) Scene 2 - at Masaki residence. Tenchi: Dad I have to take care of some business in Tokyo. Nobeyuki: All right Tenchi. Ayeka: What are you going to be doing? Tenchi: Washu I'm leaving you in charge. Bye every one take care! Mihoshi: I wonder what he's going to do? Jinnai: She seems to wonder about a lot of things. Vegeta: Wonder is one of the joys of stupidity, I’ve come to notice. BF: Come now. I’ve had enough of people calling Mihoshi stup... wait, do we know what continuity this is in? Tyler: OAV. Remember the Kiyone thing earlier? BF: Then I’ve had enough of people calling Mihoshi stupid. Scene 3 - Tenchi is on a train to Tokyo and Ryoko joins him. Ryoko: So how long is the train ride? Tenchi: Eight hours. Ryoko: Too long let's go. (Ryoko grabs Tenchi and his luggage and disappears.) Scene 4 - at Tokyo Temple where Ryoko and Tenchi are praying for a good life. Ryoko: Do you think the gods will bless us? Tenchi: Of course. Ryoko: Can you believe we're going to be one tomorrow? Tyler: Is that possible? BF: It’s a metaphor. You have no clue how to read into romantic things. That’s why you haven’t had a steady girlfriend since I’ve known you. (Tyler hangs his head. Readers, I command you do say “Aww!” right now. Do it!) Tenchi: We're all ready one, we always were. We're each other's destiny. Ryoko: Tenchi. (They kiss.) Scene 5 - at the ten minute marriage service. Vegeta: What? Even the quick Vegas weddings aren’t THAT short! Jinnai: And you know this how? Vegeta: Let’s just say that Bulma and I were never actually married. Minister: Do you Tenchi, take Ryoko for your hot wife? Tenchi: With all my heart and soul. Minister: Do you Ry. Ryoko: DUH! >I've been waiting long enough< Minister: Then I now pronounce you man and wife! Money please? BF: I really have to wonder why, if these two love each other so much, they go for the cheap and quick wedding. Tyler: I could give you a reason, but you wouldn’t like it. (Ryoko and Tenchi glance at each other.) Ryoko and Tenchi: >>He's destroying the moment<< BF: You did that already by going to the ten-minute marriage service. Scene 6 - at the Masaki residence. Tenchi: I'm home! Ayeka: TENCHI! (Ayeka hugs Tenchi as Ryoko watches.) Ryoko: AYEKA! Ayeka: Where have you been? Ryoko: >Getting married< Tenchi: Get every one together, I've got some good news! Ayeka: Okay. (Ayeka exits.) Ryoko: I'll leave while you tell them. Tenchi: Don't worry I'll protect you. Ryoko: From five women who have the hots for you? Right. Vegeta: That’s funny, I haven’t really seen Kiyone express any interest in him whatsoever in this story. BF: This story has gone drastically downhill ever since Taro left. Scene 7 - later with everyone in the living room. Mihoshi: So what's the good news Tenchi? Sasami: Did you get us presents? Ayeka: Sasami! Sasami: Sorry. Tenchi: Well. (Ryoko appears and hugs Tenchi.) Ayeka: GET OFF OF HIM! Ryoko: Why should I? HE'S MY HUSBAND! All: WHAT? Tyler (Tenchi): That’s my baby! Blunt and to the point, with no tact whatsoever! Ayeka: Is this true Tenchi? Tenchi: Yes, Ryoko and I are now legally one. (Ayeka exits.) Jinnai: No attacks against either of them? Vegeta: No tears? Tyler: No whining bitchfest? BF: No showing of emotion WHATSOEVER? All: Congratulations! Tenchi and Ryoko: Thank you. Yosho: I want to give you two a traditional wedding. Sasami: Can I be your flower girl Ryoko? Ryoko: Yes, I would love you to be my flower girl. Tenchi I'm going to find Ayeka okay? Tenchi: All right. (Ryoko disappears.) Scene 8 - at the shrine tree with Ayeka. Ayeka: Tenchi why? (Ryoko appears.) Ryoko: Because we're in love. Ayeka: Really, are you really in love? Ryoko: Yes. I would do anything for him. If he were in love with you for real I would let you marry because his happiness is my happiness. Ayeka: Then I give you my blessing. Tyler: Like THAT would happen. AHRLI that I am, I still have to say that Ayeka would not give up that easily... Ryoko: Thank you Ayeka. (Ryoko gives Ayeka a reassuring hug.) You will find happiness soon, I promise. Ayeka: Ryoko? Ryoko: Will you be my maid of honor? Ayeka: Yes. Tyler: So she’s willing to put the second wedding in jeopardy by making a jealous blueblood the maid of honor? Scene 9 - at the end of Ryoko and Tenchi's wedding. Yosho: And I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride. (Ryoko and Tenchi kiss and then run off together as the others throw rice. The scene stops as Tenchi and Ryoko's voices speak.) Tenchi: >And this is our happy ending< Vegeta: I would have been happy with any ending at this point. Washuu (on intercom): It’s not quite over yet, but come on back. You guys need a break. (Back in the lab. Buck, Vegeta, and Jinnai are sitting at a round table drinking coffee. Washuu-chan walks up to the table with a clipboard.) Washuu: Well guys, I have some information on the... where’s Tyler? Vegeta: He said he needed to go get drunk before the next part started. Jinnai: Hey look, here he comes now. (Tyler walks in... without stumbling, no less... then sits down at the table and lays his head down.) BF: Something wrong? Tyler (without looking up): It’s one of the perils of drinking a lot... takes a lot more to get roaring drunk. There wasn’t enough sake around here to pull it off. (Suddenly the portal to the lab opens. And guess who flies through it?) BF&Washuu: Hello, Ryoko. (Now Tyler looks up just in time for Ryoko to grab him by the collar and lift him out of his seat.) Tyler: May I help you? Ryoko: I’ll say you can! What the hell is the big idea drinking all my sake? Tyler: Simple explanation. I’m about to see the worst part of a bad fanfic, and I really REALLY needed to be drunk. (She lets him down.) Ryoko: You’re still subjecting people to the same old crap, mom? Washuu: No. It’s entirely new crap, really. BF: Allow me to be the voice of reason here. Washuu-chan, I’ve seen you pull baby formula from out of nowhere before. Could you get this pretty young thing some more sake? Washuu: Of course I can. After all, I am... Washuu&BF: The greatest scientific genius in the universe! (they laugh) Ryoko (blushing): Pretty young thing? You keep good company, mom. (Ryoko looks at Tyler, Vegeta, and Jinnai.) Ryoko: Well, somewhat. (The three guys look disappointed, angry, and confused, respectively. Washuu-chan taps a few keys on the holo-top... you know, the default device to cover plot holes used by all fanfic authors, myself included... and a portal opens through which bottle after bottle of sake appear. Ryoko happily gathers them up, then leaves the lab.) Washuu: Anyway guys, I have a few things you need to know about your time in the Allain. First of all, it seems as though Tyler has been the most affected by content... Tyler: It’s nothing yet. It was merely anticipation of things to come in the next part. Washuu: Fair enough. Vegeta seems to be the most affected by grammar and spelling errors. Vegeta: I get tired of stupid people being able to receive attention through ANY medium. Washuu: And Jinnai... well, he hasn’t been paying a whole lot of attention. The only readings I get from his mind all concern world conquest. Jinnai: (laughs insanely) BF: What about me? Washuu: That’s the odd thing... as far as these fics go, you’ve been taking them exceptionally well. I’ve never seen anyone with your kind of resolve. But that resolve seems to fall apart rather quickly any time someone makes a disparaging comment about me. BF: Mm... I’ve gone on record before as saying that there are only two things that upset me to the point of immediate retaliation... people insulting you and anti-Semitism. Fortunately I don’t see an overwhelming amount of either. Washuu: Yes, very good. Okay, back in the ship with the four of you. Tyler: May I ask what the point of this little episode was? Washuu: Merely a break from the fic. Vegeta: So we were just trying to prevent the audience from exposure to bad writing? Washuu: You got it. Vegeta: We failed. Washuu: I know. Now get back in there. (Back in there.) Tyler: Well, I hope you guys are prepared for the most disturbing sexual reference I’ve ever seen in a fanfic. Vegeta: Is there any actual portrayal of the act? Tyler: Not as such, no. Vegeta: Then how can it be so bad? Tyler: You’ll see. Tenchi Muyo the movie - The Life of Love - by Ryoko Porter based on the OAV series and the fan fics by Ryoko Porter. Scene 1 - Ryoko and Tenchi are having a picnic in the forest together. Ryoko: This is so romantic Tenchi thank you. (Ryoko kisses Tenchi.) Tenchi: Any thing for you my love. (They kiss.) Ryoko: You know, sometimes it's hard for me to believe we've been married. I can't believe everyone stayed. Tenchi: Everyone but Ayeka. Ryoko: It's what she had to do. If she stayed things would have been harder for all of us. Tenchi: Grandfather says that she'll need to be married soon. Tyler: Hah! Good luck! She don’t want Seiryo and no one else wants her. Jinnai: Ayeka is the princess of Jurai, right? Rest of crew: Yes. Jinnai: And Jurai is a very powerful empire, right? Rest of crew: Yes. Jinnai: I’ll marry you, Ayeka! Ryoko: I hope it's not that guy that came with her parents when they visited, if it is I would pity her greatly. BF: He HAS a name. Vegeta: What do you care? BF: I just happen to like people with pink hair... I don’t care if Seiryo is a blithering ass, people with pink hair deserve respect. Tenchi: Here, have a California roll? Ryoko: These are good, did you make them? Tenchi: Mostly, Sasami helped a little. Ryoko: When it comes to food I don't know what we'd do without her? Tyler (Tenchi): Or do I? I forget. You've tasted my cooking, it sucks! (Tenchi shudders.) Tenchi: Ryoko, how old are you really? Ryoko: What? BF (Ryoko): Silly boy, it’s impolite to ask a woman her age... Tyler: You do that one far too well. Tenchi: Well I was thinking how you could only be a little over two thousand and I realized Kagato had held Washu for the last five thousand years. Ryoko: Well it depends on how you look at it. You see, a space year is equal to two and a half Earth years. Making me 2,017 in space years and 5,042 and a half, Earth years. Jinnai: Is it just my imagination, or did the author just cover a plot hole in the OVA with an overly simple explanation? BF: That’s what I get from it, too. I actually think it’s a lot more complicated than that. One second... (Buck pulls the Tenchi Muyo! RPG and Resource Book from under his seat.) Vegeta: How did you get that so fast? BF: I never leave home without it. Now let’s see... the best that I can figure is that Ryoko’s earliest memory is from roughly 2000 years ago. That doesn’t speak on her age. Much the same as Washuu-chan could easily be well OVER 20,000 years old. Tyler: That makes a lot more sense than what the author came up with. Just because the space calendar is about 8000 years ahead of us, that doesn’t mean that their years are shorter. Tenchi: Imagine what any normal person would say if they knew I'm married to a 2,017 slash 5,042 year old space pirate! Ryoko: You sure know how to make a girl feel good about herself! Tenchi: You know I hate to think that if I hadn't freed you from that cave, I would have never met any of you girls. And I certainly wouldn't have met the love of my life. Ryoko: You do know how to please a girl! Tenchi: In more than one way too. Vegeta: Since when is Tenchi so forward? Tyler: They ARE married now. (Tenchi and Ryoko role over and begin to make passionate love when Nobeyuki walks by.) BF: What, that’s it? For a lemon, this is awfully damn mild. Vegeta: I can’t even figure why the rest of the stuff we’ve seen so far is classified as a lemon. Tyler: Might I ask why they’re f***ing outdoors, in close proximity to the prying eyes of whom Tenchi can refer to as “My father, the pervert”? Nobeyuki: Way to go Tenchi! (Ryoko and Tenchi stop making love and watch him pass by. Then the continue for a moment till Yosho walks by.) Yosho: An active man has many children. Vegeta: Makes sense. Jinnai: I’m very active, but I don’t have any children. (Tyler whispers something to Jinnai.) Jinnai: Oh, THAT kind of active. Sorry, I sometimes have a hard time with subtlety. (Ryoko and Tenchi continue till Washu walks by.) Washu: Oh good, I can't wait for a grand child. Continue you business, I'll just watch! BF (Ryoko): No you won’t. Tenchi: I give up. BF (Ryoko): No you don’t! Ryoko: GO AWAY! Washu: Why, I just want to see my grandchild being created? Ryoko: GO AWAY! Tyler: Looks like the object of your affection is just as perverted as Tenchi’s dad, Buckeroo. (Buck squeezes Tyler’s arm.) Tyler: What’s that for? BF: Okay Vegeta, he’s ready again. Tyler: Oh... shit! Vegeta: Gallic Gun! (When the smoke clears, it can be clearly seen that Tyler is plastered to the back of the module.) BF: Thank you. Vegeta: My pleasure. Scene 2 - Ryoko and Tenchi are walking home through the woods. Ryoko: Damn Washu! Vegeta: Thank kami she learned how to spell that word. Now we don’t have to make that pathetic joke again. Tenchi: I know what you mean, before I wasn't ready but now I am and every time we get close to it someone comes and interrupts us! Killing the mood! Ryoko: There's got to be some way we can be alone! Tenchi: But what? Ryoko: We can make our selves a secret house! Tyler: Isn’t that a little extreme when you consider the fact that if they fooled around in HIS room, people wouldn’t be able to enter unless he wanted them to? BF: True. Tenchi: Where would it be? Ryoko: In space, millions of miles from here. Tenchi: How would I get there? Ryoko: I'll give you the power of teleportion. Jinnai: Can she do that? Tyler: Not sure. I wasn’t even aware that Ryoko herself had the power of “teleportion.” Teleportation, yes... Tenchi: We'll make it tonight and spend the night there. Ryoko: Great! (Ryoko and Tenchi go enter the Masaki residence.) Vegeta: And she learned to spell Tenchi’s last name, too! Tyler, are you sure this is going to be worse than what else we’ve seen? Tyler: Trust me. Mihoshi: Where have you been? It's almost time to have dinner! Ryoko: We had a picnic. Sasami: Are you hungry enough for dinner? Tenchi: No, we're both going for a midnight bath. Sasami: Okay. Ryoko and Tenchi: Bye. Sasami: Bye. (Ryoko and Tenchi disappear.) Mihoshi: They're so romantic, I hope I can get a man like that. (Tyler smooths his hair. And of course, this prompts the rest of the crew to laugh. Tyler hangs his head again. Hey, he’s generally a hentai idiot. I’ve gotta get him some sympathy once in awhile...) Sasami: Me too. Ryo-oki: Meow. Scene 3 - Washu's lab and Sasami enters with a tray of food. Sasami: Washu, I brought you some dinner! Washu: Thank you Sasami. Sasami: Washu, can I use some of your equipment to call home? Washu: Of course, you can go in that room for some privacy. Sasami: Thank you! (Sasami goes into the other room.) Washu: How cute. Scene 4 - Sasami talking to her dad on the view phone. Sasami: Hi daddy! Azusa: Well hello Sasami, this is a pleasant surprise. Sasami: I called to see how everyone was doing. BF (Sasami): Not so much you, but how are mommy and Funaho mom doing? Vegeta: Yep. The only two royals still on Jurai worth a damn. Azusa: Everyone's fine here. Sasami: And Ayeka, how is she? Azusa: All right, I found a husband for her that's why I'm in such a good mood. Sasami: Does she like him? Azusa: Yes, how is every one and what's been happening? Sasami: About the same as it's been since Ayeka left. Azusa: So how is Tenchi doing in school? Sasami: School? Azusa: That's what Ayeka told me. Sasami: Well that's not exactly true. Azusa: So? Sasami: Tenchi didn't go to school, he got married! Azusa: MARRIED! Without my permission? To who? BF: As if Tenchi needs that blowhard’s permission. Jinnai: I take it this man doesn’t appreciate upper-class bureaucracy? BF: Let’s just say that I’ve lived in the United States all 37 plus years of my life. Sasami: Well a let's just say that the new princess of Jurei is Ryoko. Azusa: Ryoko! Sasami: Ah-huh. Azusa: He married Ryoko, instead of one of my two daughters! Vegeta: Would he have really approved of Tenchi marrying an eight-year-old? Tyler: Who knows... it IS Jurai, and he DID set up a marriage between his son and his daughter. Sasami: THEY LOVE EACH OTHER! Azusa: Fine, good-bye my daughter. Sasami: Bye! Scene 5 - it's the middle of the night and Sasami is dreaming. Sasami: No please, don't daddy? Don't hurt Tenchi! (Sasami dreams that she is on Jurei and her father is talking to Tenchi.) Azusa: And what is your name? Tenchi: I am Tenchi, crown prince of Jurei. And husband to Ayeka. BF: Damn. You know what this means, don’t you? Jinnai: What? BF: That that’s really going to happen. Sasami has this thing about precognitive dreaming. Tyler: Poor, poor Tenchi. (Sasami wakes in a flash and runs to Tenchi and Ryoko's room.) Sasami: Tenchi, Tenchi! Ryoko: Sasami it's the middle of the night, what do you want? Sasami: I had a dream that. Ryoko: Huh? Tenchi's gone! Sasami and Ryoko: (gasp) Tyler (Ryoko): Where do you think he went? Vegeta (Sasami): Oh, he probably just went to marry Ayeka. I wouldn’t worry about it. Tyler (Ryoko): Oh, very well... wait, WHAT? Scene 6 - Ryoko and the others are heading to Jurei. Ryoko: >Tenchi hold on, we're on our way< Sasami: Ryoko what will you do when we reach Jurei? Ryoko: Well since we know that it was your father who took Tenchi, I will present myself and my case before him. And if he doesn't give Tenchi back peacefully I'll blast him to bits! Crew: Yay! Washu: Remember that Ayeka is there? Ryoko: I know, and I'm going to use that to my advantage. Sasami: Huh, how? Ryoko: I'll use our memories to persuade to her that Tenchi should be with us. Yosho: Yes, it's a good idea to use peace in the beginning. Kiyone: Kidnapping is an offence that even the Jurei royal family can't get away with, so we have the support of the Galaxy Police. Ryoko: AH, AHHH. Tyler (Ryoko): CHOO! Vegeta: That’s the worst joke yet, Tyler. I’d smack you, but I don’t know what good it would do. (Ryoko collapses.) Mihoshi and Sasami: RYOKO! Ryo-ohki: Meow! Washu: Ryoko calm down, and let me do some tests! Ryoko: AHHHH. (Washu conducts some quick tests on Ryoko.) Yosho: What has happened to Ryoko? Washu: Someone has drained Ryoko's powers out of her! Sasami: What do you mean? Washu: Ryoko has lost all her powers. The ones she got from Aireal and the ones I gave her! She's no longer immortal either she lost everything! BF: That’s what she gets for betting the wad on the Cubs. Tyler: Aren’t they in first place right now? BF: You have to go with the classics... as well as the team that is least likely to get successful and STAY that way. Sosa be damned. Scene 7 - Ryoko and the others enter the thrown room to plead their case. Azaka: Show your respect to the Emperor and bow! Kamedake: BOW! Tyler (Kamidake): WOW! Vegeta: Eh... yeah, they follow Azusa’s orders about as brainlessly as dogs. Ryoko: Not until he shows me some respect! Azusa: Well aren't we cocky for not having any powers! Ayeka: >what< Ryoko: Your majesty I beg of you to return my Tenchi, my husband! I have no purpose in life without him. My life and my love are Tenchi's and if you do not return him to me I will be forced to use violence! Azusa: And what are you going to do to me with no power? You see I have your power now and I have no intention on returning it to you! Washu: So he's the one who took it? BF: I think that’s what Azusa just said. Leave it to her to state the blatantly obvious... wait, no. That’s not like her at all! Damn you, artistic license! Ryoko: I may be human now but I still have my gems! Azusa: They're powerless to a human such as you! Ryoko: Not necessarily, my heart is so strong with love I can control them! Azusa: Ha! Jinnai: Ha, indeed. Makoto’s heart was strong, and look what happened to him! Tyler: Yeah... he kicked your ass, didn’t he? Jinnai: I don’t recall that happening... Ryoko: Bastard! Tyler: I thought this was Tenchi. (Ryoko begins to attack!) Vegeta: And the narrator begins to get excited! Azusa: Azaka, Kamedake! (The two grab Ryoko by the arms.) Ryoko, wouldn't you like to see Tenchi? Ryoko: Huh? (Tenchi enters.) Tenchi, TENCHI! Tenchi: Sir who is this girl you have in custody? Azusa: Never you mind. Take her to the room we prepared for her! (Azaka and Kamedake exit with Ryoko.) Ryoko: TENCHI! Azusa: Well now that that is over with! Sasami, come and give your daddy a hug! BF: I always thought he didn’t want his children calling him “daddy.” Tyler: He does seem a bit more friendly to his family members here. Sasami: Never and I will never call you father again! Azusa: What? Sasami: You have more evil than Ryoko when she attacked our world! Vegeta: Considering that Ryoko wasn’t even attacking under her own will, that kind of goes without saying. Azusa: Yosho? Yosho: You have shamed me father, you have shamed the Jurei family! Azusa: Well I can understand your anger, your rooms are all ready for you all! BF (Azusa as hick): We got that good down-home hospitality, yessiree! Tyler (Azusa as hick): Why don’t y’all come by and sit a spell? We’uns is jest up the road a piece... (Azusa begins to exit.) Oh and Yosho, get rid of that costume. You look silly! (Azusa exits.) Ayeka: Costume? Yosho: Yes. (Yosho becomes younger.) All: WHAT? Vegeta (Yosho): Oh, did I forget to tell you? BF: Actually I think Funaho went and blabbed to him. Azusa is too oblivious to realize that something was off about his son. Scene 8 - Ryoko is in an elegant room and she has been fitted with a slip like dress. Keeping her confined arm guards which she is trying to brake. Ryoko: Come on. >I have to get to Tenchi and make him remember everything< (Azusa enters.) Azusa: You'll never get free of those they were given to me by the Tree Gods those 700 years ago to hold you captive for attacking Jurei. Vegeta (Azusa as hick): And since we’uns from Jurai are a mite friendly with Jurei, ah be helpin’ ‘em out some. Jinnai: I think the hick joke has been played out now, Veggie. Vegeta: Don’t call me Veggie. Jinnai: Then don’t call me Kats. Ryoko: What have you done to Tenchi? Why doesn't he remember me? Azusa: I made him available for Ayeka, no man can live with a daughter of mine and not choose to wed her! Tyler (Ryoko): So now you want Noboyuki to marry Sasami? (The rest of the crew shudders.) Vegeta: Dammit Tyler, don’t ever suggest that again. Ryoko: And what does Ayeka think of all this? Azusa: She didn't find out till you did! I wanted to surprise you both at the same time. I think it was a good one don't you? Ryoko: You son of a bitch! (Ryoko attacks, just to have the arm guards shock her with Jurei energy.) AHHHHHH. Azusa: Don't think that I wouldn't be prepared for you? Well I am, get on the bed! Ryoko: What? (The guards shock her again forcing her to lay on the bed.) Azusa: Now you are mine, you didn't think I just did this for Ayeka did you? BF: This isn’t going where I think it’s going, is it? Tyler: I’m afraid it is. Jinnai: Where’s the sick bag? (Ryoko begins to cry as Azusa forces himself upon her.) Ryoko: Tenchi!! BF: It didn’t show anything? Vegeta: Thank God. Jinnai: I still need the sick bag. Just the thought of Azusa... yargh. Scene 9 - Yosho and Ayeka are in a small room discussing the costume. Ayeka: But, but why? Why did hide yourself? Yosho: I'm sorry Ayeka. Ayeka: Your beautiful eyes, you don't know how long I've longed to see those eyes! Yosho: Ayeka, how do you think Tenchi would have handled it if he knew that his grandfather truly looked his age? Ayeka: What? Yosho: Without the age, I would have been dishonored on earth. If that happened I would not have been able to care for my child or grandchild. Do you understand now? Vegeta (Ayeka): Hmm? I’m sorry, were you saying something? I was a little busy lusting after your new young body. (Tyler inches away from Vegeta.) Vegeta: What’s the matter? Ayeka: Yes. Yosho: Good, now we have to figure out a way to get Tenchi's memory back! Ayeka: Never, I will never give Tenchi back to you! Yosho: What? Ayeka: With Ryoko out of the picture I can have Tenchi! BF: Typical. Not only typical of Ayeka herself, but typical of any author writing about her. Tyler: I always did wonder why most fanfic authors are AHRLIs. Not that I’m complaining, but... Yosho: If you marry Tenchi dishonor will come to you and your family! And you know the law of the Tree Gods, "no person with dishonor can have children." Do you really want to do that to Tenchi or yourself, to loose any child you have to death! (Ayeka exits silently.) Scene 10 - Ryoko is alone in her chambers in a daze over what had happened to her. Ryoko: >Tenchi why, why can't you remember me? Why can't you remember the time we first meet face to face, or the time you held me in your arms during the Kagato attack? But why, why can't you remember the memory I cherish most, the first night you spent with me when I was having that dream. (Flashback to Ryoko and Tenchi sleeping together.) Tyler: Sleeping TOGETHER, or... you know... SLEEPING together? Vegeta: Who cares? I wish I could figure out a way to get him to remember all of those wonderful memories? < (Tenchi enters.) Ryoko: Tenchi? Tenchi: Who are you? And why have you come to Jurei? BF (Tenchi): And why am _I_ on Jurei, when I’m the prince of Jurai? Ryoko: Don't you remember me? Can't you remember the love we had? Tenchi: Who are you? Ryoko: It's me Ryoko and I came to bring you back to the home we made together. Remember all of the love that filled the air when we were together? Tyler: So I guess Tenchi has bad aim, then. (There is a brief silence in the capsule.) Vegeta: I’m not even going to ask for an explanation of that one. Tenchi: I'm sorry miss. Ryoko: Then I'll make you remember! (Ryoko cups Tenchi's face in her hands and kisses him.) Tenchi: >Ryoko< (Flashback to when Tenchi first meet Ryoko, then to when he sees her naked at the hot-springs resort. Then Tenchi remembers Ryoko wearing his mothers kimono, to when they are lying together in bed, and finally to their marriage.) Ryoko: Tenchi? Tenchi: Ryoko is that you? Ryoko: Tenchi! (Ryoko embraces Tenchi weeping with joy.) Tenchi: Ryoko. Jinnai (Ryoko): And we have established that that’s my name. (Tenchi flashbacks to when he is admits his being a Jurei.) Azusa: And who are you? Tenchi: I am Tenchi, crown prince of Jurei. And Ayeka's husband. BF (Tenchi): I can’t be married to both Ayeka AND Ryoko, that’s bigamy! Tyler (Azusa): No, that’s big o’ ME. Vegeta: I could have gone the rest of my life without hearing that tired old joke again. (Back to current time.) Tenchi: Ryoko I'm so sorry. Ryoko: Tenchi that doesn't matter now, I love you and nothing will keep me from loving you! Tenchi: Ryoko. (Tenchi raps his arms around Ryoko to discover blood on her back.) (Tyler makes like a human beat box.) BF (Tenchi): Yo. Check out my phat rappin’ arms. (Buck crosses his arms.) Vegeta: You two get less funny all the time, you know that? Tyler: Jinnai is laughing. Vegeta: When is he not? Jinnai: Beg pardon? Ryoko what happened to you? Ryoko: I'm human now. Tenchi: What? Ryoko: Azusa took my powers and my immortality. Tenchi: That doesn't explain why you're bleeding! (Ryoko looks down and begins to sob.) Ryoko: Tenchi I'm no longer, no longer. Tenchi: Ryoko what are you saying? Tyler: She’s saying, “Tenchi, I’m no longer, no longer.” What’s so hard to understand? BF: Why is literal translation always so funny? Vegeta: It’s NOT! Ryoko: Tenchi, I'm no longer only yours! (Ryoko looks up at Tenchi so he can see the pain in her eyes.) Tenchi: Who did this to you? (Azusa enters.) Azusa: I did! Vegeta: Awful proud of it, the bastard. Tenchi: Huh? Azusa: And I've come to finish the job, can't have some girl going around saying I raped her. Tenchi: Sir? Azusa: Say why don't you do it, it'll be good practice for you. She'll bleed to death anyway, here take the Tenchi sword. Tenchi: >what should I do< BF: Here’s an idea... why not kill Azusa? He’s had that coming for some time now. Vegeta: I would ask if that wasn’t a tad dark, but... Tyler: But he deserves nothing less. Ryoko: >>Tenchi I want you to do it, it will get you sword and there's no hope for me anyway<< Tenchi: >>I can't, I love you<< Ryoko: >>I love you too, but I'll always be with you<< Tenchi: >>I'm so sorry<< Ryoko: >>I'd rather have you do it, than anyone else<< Tenchi: I'll do it. (Tenchi takes the sword and aims.) Ryoko: >>good-bye my love<< Tenchi: >>forgive me Ryoko, I love you<< (Tenchi stabs the sword into Ryoko's heart.) Azusa: Good. (The Azusa exits.) (Buck cradles his head in his hands.) BF: Dammit, he’s turning into Dwayne Johnson. THE Azusa? Jinnai: Who’s Dwayne Johnson? Tyler: You may know him as The Rock. BF: Boo! Tenchi: Ryoko! (Tenchi falls to his knees and picks up Ryoko's corpse.) Ryoko I'm so sorry. (He begins to cry holding the body when Ryoko appears standing beside him.) Ryoko: Tenchi. Tenchi: Ryoko? Ryoko: Tenchi there is no need for those tiers. You still have the sword don't you? Tyler: Yes, there is no need for a series of raised platforms. Vegeta: I don’t follow you. Tyler: Don’t you know the difference between tiers and tears? Vegeta: Well if you’re going to talk like that, I’ll just bid you good day, sir. Tenchi: Yes. Ryoko: As long as you have that and the three gems we can be together. Tenchi: Huh? Ryoko: The power of the sword and the gems can bring me back to that world. Tenchi: How? Ryoko: Pray to have the gems return to the sword by body will cease to exist but I will be in the sword. BF: Tenchi is so dense sometimes, really. Isn’t praying EXACTLY what he had to do to give her the gems in the first place? Tyler: Sure enough. Tenchi: So you mean you'll be the sword and I'll never be able to hold you again? Ryoko: Sadly yes, there is no way for me to be physically part of that world again. Not even with Aireal's powers. I'm sorry, but at least we will be together in spirit. Jinnai: Oh, so THAT’S why we had to watch the other long load of garbage first, huh? Just so we’d know who Aireal was? BF: I guess so. Tenchi: That's not enough, I'm going to join you as soon as I straiten things out here. I can't loose you again. Tyler: No, Azusa’s already done that. (Three hands smack Tyler in the back of the head.) Tyler: I get it. I’m sorry I had to say it, too. (Tenchi joins the gems with the sword as Ayeka enters.) Ayeka: Tenchi? Tenchi: Huh? Oh it's you. Vegeta (Ayeka): “Oh it’s you”? What kind of greeting is that for a princess like me? Get on your knees and lick my shoes! Tyler (Ayeka): Ojousama to oyobi! Scene 11 - Azusa, Misaki, and Funaho are walking the palace halls discussing Tenchi. Funaho: Azusa please send my great grandson home! Misaki: Yes I agree with Funaho, I love Ayeka. But we're destroying love; true love and I won't have any part in it! Azusa: Do you think this is easy for me to brainwash my own great grandson? BF: Anything is easy when YOU HAVE NO SOUL!!! Funaho: Then stop, and give him back his memory! Scene 12 - in Ryoko's chambers. Ayeka: Look I know how you must feel about me now and I'm sorry. I had no idea what was happening 'till father brought you out to show Ryoko. Tenchi: Go away, Ryoko was right you are a bitch. Tyler: The boy’s not quite as thick as I thought. BF: And that’s probably what Ryoko said at the beginning of this... dammit, Tyler! Tyler: What? I didn’t say anything. BF: I’ve been in close quarters with you for a bit too long. I’m starting to make your little sexual comments now. Ayeka: I suppose I deserve that. But anyhow I brought this for you so you can defeat my father. It is the orb of power and in it contains Ryoko's power. I'm sorry but father already took the power Ryoko got from Aireal. Tenchi: So your father now has Aireal's power? Ayeka: Yes. Tenchi: Well that's fine! (Tenchi takes the sword and places the hilt into the orb empowering it.) Scene 13 - Sasami, Washu, Yosho, Kiyone, and Mihoshi are planning a statagey for getting Tenchi and Ryoko back. Yosho: Without either Tenchi or Ryoko's power it will be very difficult to defeat my father! Washu: Don't forget we have the power of Tsunami on our side! Tyler: But there’s just one problem... Yosho: Yes but to use the true power of Tsunami, Sasami would have to join with Tsunami's form. And I'm not willing to give up Sasami's childhood for that! Vegeta: And that would be it, I assume. Sasami: Yosho, I will do whatever it takes to save Ryoko and Tenchi? Jinnai (Sasami): Is that my line? BF: I guess that just goes to show what happens when you assume, Vegeta. Vegeta: Bah... Washu: You do realize thought that if you join with Tsunami's form you will never be able to be a child again? Sasami: I'm willing to risk that because true love is in danger! Think about that, if we don't save Tenchi and get his memory of Ryoko back. People will start to believe that love does not conquer all. Mihoshi: She's got a point! Kiyone: You know, Mihoshi's actually right about something! Washu and Yosho: Hmmm? BF: They say that like it’s a rare occurence or something. Tyler: This being based on the OVA continuity such as it is, then you’re right. It happens a lot less frequently in the two TV series, though. Scene 14 - Tenchi and Ayeka are running to Yosho's room. Ayeka: Slow down! Tenchi: Keep up, I have to find my grandfather and the others! Ayeka: Tenchi why do you have to take revenge? BF (Tenchi): Didn’t you want to take revenge on Ryoko when you thought she had hurt the one YOU love? Tyler (Ayeka): Yes... BF (Tenchi): Same principle, you self-centered wench. (Tenchi silently continues to run to Yosho's room.) Scene 15 - in Yosho's room. Yosho: There's got to be a way we can get Tenchi back? Vegeta: Nobody say anything. Mihoshi: Yeah! (Tenchi and Ayeka enter.) Sasami: Tenchi! All: Tenchi! Mihoshi: Where's Ryoko? Tenchi: I'm sorry Miss Washu, but I couldn't save your daughter. Washu: Your loss more than mine. BF: It’s true, but the author needs to be slapped for making Washuu-chan come off so cold. Ayeka: Ryoko's dead? Tenchi: Yes. Ayeka: Then where was her body? Tenchi: In here. (Tenchi holds up the sword so that the others can see Ryoko's profile in the gems.) Yosho: How did it happen? Tenchi: We have to destroy Azusa! Ryo-ohkis come! (The scene suddenly changes to show an army of Ryo-ohki battle ships rise out from the pond in front of the Masaki Residence. Then the scene changes to a split screen of Ryoko and Tenchi.) Tyler: For the last time, there’s only ONE SHIP. Ryoko and Tenchi: COME! (The scene goes back to the Ryo-ohki ships when they disappear.) Scene 16 - in the throne room. Azaka: Sir, we have detected an army of Ryo-ohkis surrounding the planet enabling no ships to get in or out! Azusa: Let them! Kamedake: But sir? Azusa: They won't do anything. They are too far away for them to teleport any one aboard them and they won't do anything knowing that Tenchi and the others are here. Tyler (Azaka): You seem awfully smug, sir. Vegeta (Kamidake): Does this have anything to do with the false belief that the Jurai military is the most powerful force in the universe? Azaka: What if they try to escape on the Ryo-ohki that is present on the surface? Azusa: They won't, not until they reascue Ryoko and Tenchi! BF (Azaka): Sir, that’s already happened. Vegeta (Azusa as Dr. Evil): Right. Listen people, you have to tell me these things. I've been frozen for thirty years. Throw me a frickin' bone here. Kamedake: Sir how can you be so certain of all this? Azusa: Because. (Tenchi and the others enter.) . You see? Tenchi: Azusa you took the thing I love most and I will destroy you for that! Azusa: And how do you expect to do that, now that I have Aireal's power? BF (Tenchi): Because you also have his stupidity. Ha ha! Sasami: We will fight with him! Azusa: Even knowing what really happened? Sasami: Huh? Azusa: Ah I see, you haven't told them? Tenchi: (mutters) damn you. Azusa: Tenchi why don't you tell them how Ryoko died and who did it? All: Huh? Ayeka: Tenchi, what is he talking about? Tenchi: I did it, I killed Ryoko. All: What? Tyler: Well, she WAS asking for it. And I mean literally, she literally asked to be killed. BF: That’s not exactly the point. Azusa: That's right he's the one who put the sword into her heart. He's Ryoko's destroyer! Tenchi: Bastard, you're the one who forced me to do it! I didn't want to, but you were there standing over me! At least I didn't destroy her mentally, didn't have to you did that all ready! Azusa: Do you really think they'll believe you, the one who killed Ryoko? Jinnai (Tenchi): No no no, don’t try any of this psychology crap on me. Cause it’s NOT gonna work! Tyler: Actually, Tenchi is just dumb enough for it to work on him. (Ryoko appears.) Ryoko: Then they'll believe me, I told Tenchi to kill me through the mind. There was no hope for me and Tenchi would have the sword! Sasami: Ryoko, what did Azusa do to you? (Ryoko disappears.) Washu: I think they mean Azusa took advantage of her. Sasami: What does that mean? Yosho: She means that father used her for pleasure. Mihoshi: What, you mean that Azusa raped her? (All but Tenchi fall in embarrassment.) Jinnai: Why does the author keep portraying Mihoshi as a ditzy blonde who has to have everything spelled out for her? BF: Because most fanfic authors are notorious for being slaves to stereotypes. It sickens me sometimes. Tenchi: Yes and that is why I will not leave this world 'till I kill him! (Tenchi attacks.) You are mine! (Tenchi throws himself into the charge crying out in pain and fear, but most of all anger.) Azusa: You demon! (Azusa slashes a sword toward Tenchi cutting him in the stumick. In return Tenchi puts the sword through Azusa's Heart as he falls back, unthretened by the slice through him.) Tenchi: You're the demon! (Suddenly the wound disappears.) Azusa: But how? Tenchi: I bonded with Ryoko. Sasami: I am Tsunami! Jinnai: So it would seem. Congratulations, Sasami... or Tsunami. Or whatever. BF: She doesn’t care what she’s called now. (Little Sasami begins to grow taller as her hair lengthens.) Azusa: Sasami? Tsunami: Call me Tsunami, and you are dead! Tyler: Nice to meet you, miss Andyouaredead. BF: That reminds of Bob Weoddababyeetsaboy. Vegeta: Who? BF: Geico commercial. Jinnai: I thought you said she didn’t care what she was called? BF: I’m hating this author more all the time. Tenchi: Ready? Tsunami: Lets go! (Tenchi and Tsunami begin to attack as Washu begins to analyze Tsunami's power.) Ayeka: This is no time for that! Yosho: ATTACK! Tenchi: Here, grandfather you can have this I don't need it! (Tenchi throws the sword to Yosho.) Yosho: Thanks! Azusa: Die, you creatures of darkness! Vegeta: Is Azusa talking to himself again? (Azusa blocks their attack with energy wall as Tenchi uses the light hawk wings to protect them to no avail. Each of them falls back, knocking them out, except for Tenchi. Tenchi lying on the ground begins to vision Ryoko in all her splendor.) Ryoko: Tenchi. Tenchi: Ryoko, I'm sorry to fail you. Ryoko: No Tenchi, you still have a chance. Tenchi: How? Ryoko: Take the sword and use it as your weapon, from inside it I will give you my light hawk wings making you more powerful. (Ryoko disappears.) Tenchi: Right. (Tenchi walks over to his grandfather and plucks the sword from his hands.) BF (Yosho): Hey! I was using that! Tyler (Tenchi): Sorry grandpa. I know I just gave it to you about five seconds ago, but I need it back again. All right, I'm ready for you and now you will die! Azusa: Such brave words, but there no enough to defeat me! (Tenchi attacks as Azusa lets out a protection wall. This time however Tenchi brings the light halk wings around him changing him to the white out-fit he wore while using them.) You think a different outfit will save you? Tenchi: No, but this will! (Suddenly a second pair of light hawk wings appears as Tenchi attacks Azusa. Surprised at the sight of two separate light hawk wings around the boy Azusa lets his guard down letting Tenchi strike with ease. Tenchi and the sword became one almost as they pierced the heart of evil.) Vegeta: Can’t Tenchi himself make THREE Wings? Tyler: Yeah. You have to wonder why Azusa is surprised at seeing two. Azusa: No wonder Ayeka loves you, you would do anything for them wouldn't you? Tenchi: Yes, but now I only fight for Ryoko. (Azusa dies.) Crew: YAY!!! (Tyler begins to whistle “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead”) Scene 17 - a little while later as the others revive to see Tenchi waiting for them to wake. Ayeka: Tenchi? Tenchi: I'm here Ayeka, we're all here. All: Welcome back Ayeka! Ayeka: What happened? Tenchi: You are now leader of Jurei. Ayeka: What? BF (Tenchi): I mean your father’s dead. Vegeta (Ayeka): Oh, is that all. Well, that’s... WHAT? Scene 18 - the next day as Tenchi and the others are talking in the thrown room. Tyler: Okay, who threw that? I had this room all cleaned up, and now you have to throw it around and mess it up again? What’s wrong with you? I work my fingers to the bone for this family, and THIS is how you repay me? By throwing rooms? Jinnai: Why did Tyler become my mother all of a sudden? Vegeta: Actually, he sounds a lot more like Gohan’s mother. (Crew shudders.) Tsunami: -in Sasami's voice- Can't you stay? Tenchi: No, this is what I have to do. Grandfather; please tell father I'm sorry I can't return home. Yosho: I will. Tenchi: And you, Washu what are you going to do? Washu: I've been offered to be dean of the Science Academy. Mihoshi: And we're going back to the Galaxy Police Headquarters! Kiyone: It'll be good to be around normal people for a change. Mihoshi: Hey! Ayeka: Tenchi please stay here and role Jurei with me? BF (Tenchi): I’m sorry, I can’t. I have no authority on Jurei. I’m going to back to Jurai and take over the throne, though. Tenchi: No Ayeka, I can't do that. Yosho: Ayeka, I will stay with you and rule. Ayeka: You will? Yosho: Yes, I will finally do what I was sappose to do so many years ago. Ayeka: Yosho, l love you! Tenchi: >gee, didn't take her long to get over me< Tyler: He seems surprised to learn that Ayeka is incredibly self-centered. Vegeta: That’s just one of the perks of being of royal blood. I mean, look at me. Tyler: Come to think of it, yeah. You’re self-centered, too. Tsunami: Where are you going Tenchi? Tenchi: I am going were Ryoko is. Mihoshi: WHAT, your going to die? Tenchi: Sort of. All: HUH? Tenchi: I'm going with the sword to join Ryoko. Ayeka: Why are you taking the sword? Tenchi: So it causes no more trouble. Tsunami now is free to use her powers without the sword as her key and so as soon as I find Ryoko I am going to destroy it. Then Ryoko and I are going to find a world where we can live in peace and happiness as we watch over you and protect you. BF: I know exactly where that world is. It’s called Canada. Tyler: Canada is pretty darned peaceful and happy. Which is why I’ve always been a bit leery of Canadians... they’re too nice. I think they’re up to something. BF: Nonsense. Canadians are wonderful. Tsunami: Will you ever come back? Tenchi: Only when you really need me. (Ryoko and a gate to the other world appear.) Jinnai: That’s convenient. Ryoko: Tenchi. Tenchi: It's time for me to go. All: Good-bye Ryoko! Ryoko: Good-bye all. Tenchi. Vegeta (Tenchi): Why are you saying good-bye to me? I thought I was coming with you. Tenchi: Good-bye my friends, it's time I fufill my destiny. (Tenchi joins Ryoko as they disappear.) All: GOOD-BYE! Scene 19 - Ryoko and Tenchi sit together in a forest of cherry trees as they hold each other. As they remember their lives together. The scenes change as to scenes from the oav sires that are of Ryoko and Tenchi. BF: The OAV sires, eh? I guess that would just be Yosho and Noboyuki, then. Since they killed Azusa and all. Jinnai: Beg pardon? BF: They’re the only two characters in the OAV who have sired anyone. At least I think “sire” is a term strictly reserved for the male gender. (There is a slight pause.) Tyler: What, it’s over? Vegeta: Thank kami. BF: Or Dende, if you prefer. Though kami is his official title right now. But you’d think that they would have signalled the end of the fic with “The End” or something. Anyway, let’s get back. Jinnai: Yeah. I actually had fun today. I got a lot of ideas for psychological warfare that I can use when I get back to El Hazard. (Jinnai laughs like an insane man. Tyler winces. Vegeta and Buck seem to be enjoying themselves.) BF: Well, I guess that’s it then. Let’s get out of here. Tyler: Yeah, being shrunked-eded all the time is a little disorientating. (The scene switches off. Now good ol’ Buckeroo is sitting in a wicker armchair with a metal helmet on. This helmet has several wires and electrodes and pretty colored lights poking out of it. Basically, this is the same set-up that Tenchi had in episode 7. The only difference is... Buck is fully clothed. You’re welcome.) BF: So you’re saying that the sheer poor quality of the fics we’ve been watching are slowly etching away at my psyche? Washuu: Not quite. It’s more the fact that you’re making your mind work overtime to try to make sense of bad writing. Trust me, with some of the things I have lined up for you in the coming months, you’ll end up destroying yourself mentally if you continue to do that. (Buck smiles broadly.) BF: It’s nice to see that you are about me that much, o beauteous one. Washuu (stammering to find the right words): Well... um, yes. Well if you went off the deep end TOO early, all this elaborate setting up of the facilities would be for naught. You know? BF (disheartened): *sigh* Very well. Washuu: By the way, you might want to wash that junk out of your hair. BF: It takes eight washes to come out. It’ll be gone by the next time you call for us. Washuu: Good. You look so much better with your natural hair color. BF: You think so? Washuu: Definitely. But I’m not attracted to people based on hair color... or hidden power as you may have thought. It all has to do with personality. (Washuu-chan removes the metal helmet and puts her hand on Buck’s cheek.) Washuu: And while you do have a wonderful personality... I try to make it a point not to get romantically involved with my test subjects. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some more information to obtain from your latest outing. (Washuu-chan walks off into another section of the lab. Buck looks pensive and shakes his head back and forth.) BF: Put your mind to it, and you can accomplish anything... that’s what she told me when she first found out. Well, I believe her. And eventually, I will achieve that which I most desire... eternal happiness. All I have to do is figure out what needs to be done... (Fade to black.) Well, that was fun, wasn't it? What do you mean, "No"? Unless you're Loden Taylor, Thomas "009" Doscher, or Bryan Weber... I'd like to see you do any better, wise-ass! Anyway, no matter who you are, send C&C to buckfloyd@yahoo.com because I'd really appreciate it. Things keep trolling in from my original, but I really haven't had many comments about my second attempt. Sure the first one was the best, but that's because I have a great talent for making fun of myself. Making fun of the writing skills of others just doesn't come as naturally to me for some reason, even though I am a world champion sarcasti-bitch. Vegeta: Oh, enough already! I'm sure the people are tired of reading your crap. After over 100k, I was getting tired of SAYING your crap! Point taken. Good night, everybody!