Tucked away in the heart of the American northwest, there is a town in Idaho called Boise. It's autumn in Boise right now, and the trees are proudly displaying their colors as the sun crests the Rocky Mountains. The shafts of light fall onto the Biscuit Commune, a two-story house on the edge of town. The people that live nearby don't call it the 'Biscuit Commune', though. They call it 'that place where those two dudes, the chick with the really big eyes and the giant electric cat live'. You see, there is a very strange story behind the Commune. Two friends, Marshall Leach and Brandon Rigby, once took a trip to Calumet City, Illinois. While they were there, they stumbled upon a secret government machine that could splice dimensions and realities. Unwittingly, the two activated the machine, releasing two characters from not-so-well-known anime videos into their world. Tora managed to eat seven people before he was calmed down. Aira was confused at first, but gradually began to cope. And now they live on the Commune, all under one roof, where they are paid to critique anime fanfiction. They have a lush and illustrious history...and today they move into the world of Tenchi Muyo!. * * * * * * The sun streaming in the window felt like it would burn Marshall's eyeballs into oblivion as he suddenly slid his eyelids back and drank in the full image of his room at morning. The few articles of clothing here and there. The poster of Jake and Elwood Blues. The postcard from Brandon Rigby, who was on his Mission in Italy. The piles and piles of manga stacked neatly on a bookshelf, and a half-empty bag of chips, remnants of a group game of 'Risk' the Biscuit Commune had been playing the night before. He felt like he had a hangover. Too much soda, he surmised as he fumbled for his glasses. He hopped out of bed, stripped out of his pajamas and jerked on a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt before pushing the door to his room open and stepping out into the hall. He was almost immediately run over by Tora, the great Tiger Demon, who was chasing an enormous catnip mouse at least the size of his head. Marshall scratched his cheek, looking rather confused as the large yellow demon vanished down the stairs. "What a way to start the morning," He said, then turned around to shout down the hallway. "Hey, Todd! Get your butt out of bed! Aira! Wakey-wakey!" Two doors were slid open, and two very angry sets of eyes were directed towards The Biscuit. Aira, wearing her silver hair in a ponytail, stumbled out of her room and moved over to his side. She hung off his shoulder, gazing directly up at him with irritated, tired eyes. "It's too early for this, Marshall," She whined. "Come on, guys. I'll make us some coffee before we head down into the theater." They shuddered collectively. Another fic had come in the night before, just before Brandon took off for Rome. Once more, it was up to the Biscuit Commune to put bad fics in their place. But that didn't mean they had to enjoy it. "It had better be 'Hairy Knockers' coffee, Marsh," Todd trudged down the hall, jerking a black muscle shirt on. "The stronger, the better." "Look at it this way," Marshall pressed, helping Aira to right herself. "We get paid for it." "Which reminds me," Tora had flown slowly up the stairs, holding a scratched catnip mouse in his claws. "Where does the money come from?" "Somewhere in Calumet City, I think. But we get by, right? You know what they say..." "Yep," Todd stretched. "Just scratch yourself and walk away." After saying this, the young man gave his privates a liberal scratching and moved off down the hall. "I hate it when he does that," Aira looked sick, and also moved off towards the stairs. "Let's eat," Tora slid down the banister, leaving Marshall alone in the hallway. "Mondays," He whispered with a tired sigh. * * * * * * "Y'know, it's scientifically proven that men who have sex last longer than men who don't," Todd walked by Marshall, tossing an egg behind his back. The taller one caught the egg, cracked it, and dumped it into a bowl that rested on the counter. "Kinda makes you wonder." "Looks like you two will be living very short lives," Aira said with an evil grin as she buttered four pairs of toast. "Geeks never get a piece." "While we're on the subject of useless trivia," Tora was roasting long slices of bacon on the stove, filling the room with the aroma of cooking pig. "Did you know that if you're caught in a lighting storm, you should drop down and stick your butt in the air?" "He's right," Marshall took his odd mix to the oven next to Tora and poured it into a pan. "If you're going to be hit, that's the safest orifice." "Kinda makes you wonder," Todd mumbled again. "But the comment about never getting a piece was cruel, Aira." She grinned, sticking her tongue out. "I know." They ate with hearty conversation tossed back and forth. Once the meal was halfway over, Marshall looked at his watch. "Dammit," He swore. "Ten to seven. We'd better get into the theater and get this over with." "I'll get the coffee," Todd rose from his chair. "I'll stock the barf bags," Tora added with a sarcastic grin. The group of intrepid MSTers rose from their seats, exchanged a look of fear, and opened the door under the stairs that led to the cellar which had been converted into a theater. * * * * * BIOS Viewer One: Marshall Leach Age: 17 Hair: Brown Eyes: Gray Height: 6'5'' Weight: 260 lbs Nicknames: The Biscuit, El Poncho, Meatloaf, Marshallkitty Likes: Grandia, MegaMan Legends, Ushio and Tora, Oh! My Goddess!, Kendo. Dislikes: Final Fantasy VII, VIII, IX, stupid people, bad Tenchi fanfiction. Low-Down: Marshall was the one who created the Biscuit Commune after using a strange machine developed in Calumet City, Illinois to bring Aira and Tora into his reality. He tries to remain even-headed and cool about his situation, and manages to rake in just enough profit to support the Commune. Viewer Two: Todd Gibbons Age: 17 Hair: Black Eyes: Green Height: 6'0'' Weight: 198 lbs Nicknames: Toadboy, Toad, Toddles, The Big Spanky Likes: Thousand Arms, Silent Hill, burning out, Metal Angel Marie, punching walls. Dislikes: Boring movies, people downloading porn on his iMac, mornings. Low-Down: Todd recently joined the Biscuit Commune after Brandon Rigby left for Rome on his Mission. He fits in perfectly. Todd is the goof of the bunch, but he's always there to make the others laugh. His sense of humor will prove to be a valuable asset. Viewer Three: Aira Age: 16 Hair: Silver Eyes: Blue Height: 5'5'' Weight: 120 lbs Nicknames: Silver Maiden, The Only Chick on the Commune, Rambo, Balls-Buster Likes: Warm wool sheets, starlit evenings, Marshall, romance novels, weightlifting. Dislikes: Banana Cream Pie, people thinking of women as objects. Low-Down: Taken from the world of 'Green Legend Ran', Aira is the only female on the Commune, and Brandon and Tora would constantly scrap for her attention. She has a loving demeanor and looks after the boys as if they were her brothers. Viewer Four: Tora Age: 500+ Fur: Yellow and Black Eyes: White Height: 6'8'' (when standing erect) Weight: 400 lbs Nicknames: Catnip Fiend, Lightning Kitty, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, Cat of Death Likes: Chocolate-Chip cookies, pajamas, The Ron-Co Rotisserie, sheer underwear, The Canterbury Tales. Dislikes: Samurai, Brandon, cookies that aren't chocolate chip, duct tape on his paws, pantyhose. Low-Down: Pulled from the world of 'Ushio and Tora', Tora is a tiger demon that gobbles peasants like rice cakes. He loves a good fight, but has a rarely-seen soft spot for the arts, and is versed in the works of Chaucer. He is the only non-human on the compound, but if he cares, he isn't showing it. Marshall: Okay...let's hope this one isn't going to be bad. >disclaimer : i don't own any part of Tenchi Muyo and >i just write about it so don't sue me. Tora: It's going to be bad. Aira: Ooooooh yeah. >Note: This takes place two years ck-time, after the movie >"Tenchi Forever" I saw the movie my self but i'm >going to give him the body he had in the paralel >world plus the abilities he had in the first OVA >and in addition I'm my change a couple of things >because this takes two years after the movie and >their characteristics may vary especially Tenchi's >characteristics because after being tugged on for >so many years I think my characteristics would change >too. All: ... Todd: Was that entire hodgepodge one sentence? Tora: No capitalization, no comma usage.dear lord, what have we gotten ourselves into? > **A Stroll Through Hell** Marshall: Oh, how nice. A stroll through hell. After that we can take a rowboat across the river Styx, maybe have a picnic in Purgatory. Aira: Don't forget. I have to visit Satan and get my Weed Whacker back. > Part 1 act 1 The beginning of the end > ~Tenchi's room, deep in thought~ > All right I've spent lots of time on this decision >whether I should or not. Todd: Is skydiving really worth it? The fees, but the thrills! > Should or not? Should or not > what? Tora: That's what we want to know. > Should I marry one of the six women in this house >and make them eternally happy Aira: Wait.by my calculations, he's including Sasami. You don't suppose...this is going to be a Lemon, do you? Marshall: Please. Have a LITTLE respect. I wouldn't go that far. Tora: But what about all that hentai manga stuffed under your bed? Todd: And how would YOU know about that, Tora? Tora: Erk...um... Todd: That's what I thought. > or continue to put them > through the stress and terror of not being my wife. Aira: Oh! We're back. I'd almost forgotten about the fic. Marshall: Isn't Tenchi overreacting a little? I mean, is it 'terror' not being married to him? Tora: I'm not exactly horrified, myself. > Should >I choose to one so that all the other women mourn at the > fact that they weren't chosen or try and keep them happy > at the current position that they are already and we all > marry somebody else? I kind of consider them my family from >the sky. I just don't see what's so big about being my wife > I mean when I see a nude woman my nose bleeds until I nock > out from blood loss Marshall: He 'nocks' out, does he? Is that some hippy-raver-budgie lingo for taking a hit? Tora: Dude...I nocked out today, it was so great. > or not getting enough blood to my brain. > The only reason I didn't do that when I was with Haruana was > because I was in a trace that kept me from remembering > everybody, kept my nose bleed down and made me love her. Todd: Traces can cure nosebleeds? Woo-Hoo! I'm there! Aira: I think he means 'trance'. And please, if anybody makes a Final Fantasy IX joke, I'll fry them. Marshall: Whoa. Angst. Aira: It's healthy. > I'm > not fully trained in the use of the light hawk wing so in less > I've gotten into a really bad mood because some guy has racked > them up to a wall and was torturing them I can't assure the top > of my strength so I can only hope that the enemy is weaker than > I currently am or in the future where I'm fully trained and can > protect them with all my strength mad or not. Tora: Two words: Ummmm..WHAT? > I have a lot of > good traits too but these are all just personality traits and > would be useless in a fight though there isn't a fight planned. Marshall: If this isn't a blatant bugle of foreshadowing, I don't know what is. > But in any case here are my traits (boy I feel silly talking to > myself as if I was talking to a rock) Todd: Okay, Me, here's the low-down. Tora: How does one attribute talking to oneself to talking to a rock? Aira: Must be midnight. He's gonna let it all hang down. Marshall: Um...ew... > 1: loyalty that may help > in a long fight but otherwise useless in that case. 2:carefulness. > 3: sternness 4: a large amount of humility, caring, and love. > Though I'm always being put to the test of being the keeper of > these attributes in the everyday grind of a drive through hell > because of my physique, character, and who knows why. Tora: This has just turned into both stream of consciousness and a pity party. Marshall: And we get the distinct displeasure of viewing Tenchi's moral dilemma. > One you > might think I'd have gotten use to is the "demonic due" or more > commonly known as Ryoko and Aeka Marshall: I think he means 'demonic duo', to coin a phrase. Todd: Doesn't the TMFFA have a quality filter? Aira: This must have slipped in early. > along with their daily house > recking plus the "try to tear off Tenchi's arms" game. I have to > choose one out six women and when I choose that one that begins > the rest of my life but... but I just don't want marry one of them, Aira: I want to marry them all! Tora: Whoa! Tenchi is becoming a polygamous Mormon! Marshall: Watch it, fuzzy. I'll smite your ass. > its... its just that they feel like family and sure as hell you > don't walk up to your sister and pledge eternal love... well in > Aeka's or Sasami's case it's that way but I'm not from their > culture and I don't do it that way. Marshall: I do it...Doggy Style. Marshall: What? > I don't feel that way about > them and don't feel that way about Kiyone, Ryoko, Mioshi, or Washu. > They just feel like family, people I could stay with for the most > of my life and personal life. Tora: Yeah. Girls that battle for your love day in and day out are REALLY like family, Tenchi. Todd: Maybe he moved to Alabama...? > ......... ............ ....... .... > .... ... ......... hmmmmm. Uuuuuuhuuuu. Mmmmm. Well that's it > huuuuuh Marshall: I refuse to listen to this! I refuse! I'm under eighteen! Todd: Oh, yeah...well, that's it...haaaauuuuuuuh... > I've figured it out! They feel too much like family and > I refuse to marry any one of them... Aira: I shall marry them all and father a baseball team! > wait I wouldn't feel awkward with > Kiyone so I guess that's it but I'll go to college first and if I find > somebody there I'll take it with them but Kiyone is a must after college. Tora: Big pay-off there. If you can't see this one coming, you need to be hit in the face with a slab of beef. Todd: He made that decision rather quickly, didn't he? > ~Two Hours Later~ Marshall: Tenchi was still debating the wonders of polygamy. > Sasami: hey dinners ready... Tenchi, Aeka, Ryoko, Kiyone, Mioshi, > Washu, DINNER!!! (Walks towards the stairs and trips) Todd: Um...whoops? > Sasami: ooohhhhh its so hard to walk in this body its so out of > balance. Too much wait on the top and my legs gets gradually thinner > as they go down to the feet. Aira: Oh, Sasami, don't worry about it. Pretty soon you'll get hair in funny places and start thinking about boys! Marshall: Whoa...too much info... > ~Five minutes later, dinner table~ >Tenchi: huuuuuh (said in a sigh like form) Todd: Well, he's still going at it with the funny noises. Tora: Ush-sha-sha-sha-sha. >Sasami: Tenchi, is there something wrong? Marshall: Well...I've been thinking about my Wang. Aira: Oh, no. Marshall: No, seriously! My Wang has growth potential! Tora: No more Penny Arcade jokes, either. >Tenchi: well in fact I do have something on my mind but what I was >going to say might hurt your feelings and everybody else's. >Aeka: Tenchi I'm sure we can handle it. >Tenchi: well if you say so Aeka Todd: To be truthful...I hate you all. >... well I've decided to go to college >and to try and find somebody new but if that fails i'm going to choose......... Aira: RICHARD NIXON! >Ryoko: (gloomps Tenchi) oh Tenchi I'm so happy you finally decided to >choose me but you should of known that it will be impossible for any woman >to get near you those darn hussies, because I will be there twenty-four seven Todd: Punctuation? ANYBODY? >Aeka: (smashes a stick on Ryoko's head) please Tenchi continue. Marshall: Yes, the stick she had been carrying around strapped to her back. Or maybe she had it on her leg and would just whip it out to deal some mighty damage. Tora: Heh...Ayeka would whip out her stick, huh? Marshall: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! >Tenchi: well as I was say that woman is Kiyone (Tenchi reaches out and >grabs her hand) >Aeka / Ryoko: WHAT YOU MEAN YOU PICK HER OVER ME YOUR KIDDING ME RIGHT! Tora: WHAT YOU MEAN YOU HAVE NO FRIED RICE? >Kiyone: what? Who? Me? (blushing brightly) Aira: No. The Kiyone standing behind you. >Mioshi: OOOOHHH KIYONE I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU YYYEEEAAAAHH! Todd: I think a well-placed 'Boo-Yah' is in order. All: BOO-YAH! >Sasami: oh... oh my... oh well. (I feel sick but...)Ki... Kiyone I'm >happy for you.(Sasami starts to sniffle and a tear drops) Aira: But...I already got him a George Foreman Lean, Mean Fat- Reducing grilling machine for our wedding present. >Aeka / Ryoko: (I'M GOING TO KILL THAT LITTLE SLUT!!!) >Tenchi: oh dear god they look like there on fire... I knew this would >happen (OH MY GOD HOW AM I GOING TO HOLD OFF BOTH OF THEM AT THE SAME >TIME I'M ONLY SO STRONG) Marshall: And I'm stronger. If I can put up with Aira on a Sunday morning, Ryoko and Ayeka would be a snap. Aira: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you say something, Marshall? Marshall: Erk...uh...no, ma'am. Tora and Todd: Whip-shhhhh! > *INTERMISSION* All: Thank God! > **A Stroll Through Hell** All: What the...? Tora: I thought we get an intermission. Marshall: God...my neck got broken in the jump cut. >Part 1 act 2 the beginning of the ending of this family > ~Forest Training Ground~ > Yosho: Tenchi! Enough practicing it time to clean the shrine. Todd: And, could you be so kind as to lend an old man some commas? I seem to have run out. > Then you > may leave for home... oh and you have my blessing for you and Kiyone. > And Tenchi don't forget you must try and keep your anger down I know > your losing that touch but I don't blame you. > Tenchi: what!? How did you find out? > Yosho: I have my ways. Aira: The Yosho Spy Network. Guaranteed to tell you everything you need about anyone on earth! > Tenchi: oh. Well, you always do. > Yosho: yes, now move along Tenchi Marshall: You'll be late for your makeover. You puny sissy-man. > Tenchi: yes grandfather. Todd: Hmm.he's a little bit gay, but I think he'll be all right. > Yosho: Good............ ok I think its safe now, thanks for telling > me. > Washu: hmm all right I bugging out, I'll give info if I get my hands > on > any thing again. > Tenchi: (walking up the stairs) I thought he had some agent thing > going I guess Washu would be the appropriate person for the job she does > like getting paid for doing practically nothing she's got cameras everywhere > its good thing > I got the wings they help put out those darn things its good I took computer > class along with technology in high school its good to know how to make electro > magnetic pulse (EMP) when Washu is around. Tora: It's good to buy a carton of milk it's good to wrap duct tape into a ball it's good to forget our commas everywhere we go it's good... > Washu: So that's how he does it hmm, I could create something to surpase that > problem but then my communication to the spy camera would be fuzzy and I wouldn't > be able to get every thing well now I'll have to research something get pass that > but that's nothing for the (puts her index fingers to her cheeks) greatest scientific > genius in the universe. Marshall: That's IT! I've had it with this! I'm not going to pay attention to this garbage anymore! Aira: What do you mean? Marshall: I've decided to share with you my extensive personal knowledge on the intricate workings of BTA's, or 'Buttered Toast Anomalies'. Tora: Really...? Do tell. Todd: ANYTHING sounds interesting at this point. > Tenchi: (Stands at the Misaki shrine) oooooohhhh some much work to do, it never > ends, get up at 6:00 eat breakfast tend the fields eat my lunch, leave fir the > forest training ground, get beaten around a little bit, back up 100 fight of stairs > and start to broom the floor of the Misaki Shrine and home this is to much I hope it > will be easier at college. Man will it be fun no more fighting of this and that those > crazy girls just me, myself and I. I bet all those so-called thugs from the college will > be a breeze to fight in the training center. I really don't wan to marry any one of them > or they'll get really pissed off; and just want to have a normal life with some person > where I can be happy, I did get a piece of that life but that was a mirror dimension I > want a real life like that. Marshall: Okay, everyone...gather 'round and hear the tale. Anybody happen to remember the old wives' tale about buttered toast? Tora: Um.it always lands butter-side down? Marshall: Very good, my furry companion...however, what if you were to somehow...'confuse' the toast? Aira: How? Marshall: Butter both sides! Now, if a piece of double-sided buttered toast (hereafter referred to as the DSBT) is left in the air, it will spin continuously with no stopping unless by an outside force. > Kiko: Don't we all? > Tenchi: Huh, oh welcome to Misaki Shrine the keeper is not here right now but > any problems or confessions that you want to explain I am well enough to handle > and help; is there any thing you need. Todd: Where are you going with this? Marshall: I'm getting there, Todd. Now, if the DSBT is traveling at 40 mph (the Speed of Toast) and is charged with 3017 Jules of energy, the rapid speed and centrifugal force of the spinning DSBT will cause the butter to fly off and invert itself while the toasted bread creates a hole in reality. Tora: Good God...this is amazing. I never thought that in my wildest dreams... > Kiko: no thank you but is there an area where I can get some water? > Tenchi: it's over there (points to faucet in the small shrine) would you like > specially prepared tea instead. > Kiko: of course if you'd take the time, please? > Tenchi: hold on. Marshall: I'm not even to the best part. Using this DSBT energy, the hole in reality can gain enough force and power to pull the world into it, or at least warp time and space in subtle ways. Todd: For example? Marshall: Two towns in Nevada...I can't remember the names...but from Town A to Town B it's 12 miles, but from Town B to Town A...it's only eight. Aira: Wow! What if the toast was in a car? Marshall: That's what I call the 'Toast Carriage Conversion Factor' (TCCF). Due to the added weight and shape of a car, it would have to travel at over 12,000,000,000 mph to simulate the Speed of Toast. > Tenchi walks off into the shrine and comes back with a plate with a summer style > tea cup > Kiko: thank you. > Tenchi starts to go around and sweep the ground with the broom, dust and dirt flies > off of the ground into a cloud and covers the Misaki Shrine. Todd: Holy shit! Tora: What? Todd: I think I just saw a comma! Aira: Damn! He's right! > Kiko: KOOF KOOF! Marshall: That's...um...Japanese for 'cough'? > Tenchi: (use his light hawk wings to filter the area of a two millimeters around his > head) oh, here (takes out of his pocket and tosses a folded fan at Kiko.) > Kiko: thank you. > Tenchi: no problem (continues to sweep the ground) > Aeka: give me it back! Tora: I paid eight bucks for that vibra-... Aira: Keep quiet, fuzz ball! Todd: Whoa... > Ryoko: no ya little stuck up! > Aeka: it is for Tenchi and not meant to be wrecked by you!!! Todd: All your base are belong to us! Marshall: You have no chance to survive make your time! Aira: Crafted with pride in the lumpy gravy! Tora: We can't born to be my power! > Ryoko: (flies up into the air) aright then catch! (Ryoko takes the present and tosses > it the a half a mile way)! Todd: She seemed to gauge it so it landed EXACTLY half a mile away. > Aeka: That was for Tenchi, oh you! > Ryoko: Tenchi would never want you! > Aeka: we will see about that just let me give him his present, yes then we will see > about it! Marshall: She's being a little redundant, isn't she? > Ryoko: yeah if ya get to it! Tora: My god! Commas! Grammar! Spelling! PLEASE! > Tenchi: (puts his face in his hands) my god don't they ever stop. > Kiko: fans of yours. > Tenchi: burdens more the word. Aira: Beast of Burden, maybe. I'd like to see Ryoko and Ayeka with boxes strapped to their backs. > Kiko: heh heh heh, hey I'm going to college too maybe will see each other. Marshall: And, of course, by the random miracles of fanfiction, they'll be placed in the same college. Tora: In the same, wing, the same classes, the same dorm. > Tenchi: why are you out here then. > Kiko: well I had some time and wanted to get free of it all. > Tenchi: you choose the right place. > Kiko: I'm glad... ..... ..... ... your cute. > Tenchi: WHAT?! Aira: I said you're cute. Get over it. Jeez, you act like you hear it every day from attractive alien women or something. Todd: Heh...what are the chances of THAT happening? > Kiko: it's not bad. > Tenchi: you right, it's not bad but you got keep it down. Marshall: You right, foo. I pity da foo who don't eat his greens. Or something. Tora: What I wouldn't give for Kimono No Yari right now. Aira: Kimono No Yari? What's that? Tora: The Beast Spear. Ushio has it right now. It was made for killing monsters, and this fic is something of a monstrosity, so... Todd: I see where you're going with this, Tora, but aren't you a monster? Tora: Todd...sometimes a tiger demon has to take a stand. > Kiko: what do you mean? > Tenchi: I'm talking about those two over there. > Kiko: your devoted fans. Marshall: She doesn't seem to be too surprised that Ryoko just flew bodily into the air and threw a package exactly half a mile away. > Tenchi: yes those people, they'll kill you if they hear a comment like that. Heck > if they see you here having a conversation with me they'll interrogate you. Aira: Where were you on the night of December 7th, 1982? Tora: Uh...I was...at the pornography store...buying pornography. > Kiko: (a smile cover her face) you would stop them (winks) wouldn't you? Todd: Whoa! There's something covering her face! She needs to breathe! Get the Jaws of Life! Pepper spray! A really sharp knife! Mountain Dew! Anything to eat through that smile! > Tenchi: I could try but there are two of them... (stops sweeping) well I'm done. > Kiyko: huh, oh well I'm done here, I've got to go. > Tenchi: its not usual that we get people like you here please come again. > Kiko: here's something to remember me by. (gives him a flirting smile) Todd: Augh! If they see you smiling at me like that, they'll kill you! Marshall: No! My nose is bleeding all over the place! Aira: Tora: C'mon, you guys are overreacting. Marshall: I know, but its so fun! Tora: Why does this always have to happen to me? Damn, man. This is fun. > Kiko stands up turns to Tenchi bows to him and leaves. Tenchi stands up looks > around and starts back home. > *INTERMISSION* Tora: Do we actually get an intermission this time? Marshall: We're taking one. Okay, everybody, out of your seats. It's time for a little break. * * * * * Marshall blew out a sigh as he opened the door to the basement, slumping out into the hallway and pressing himself against the wall. He felt like his legs were made of rubber, and he suddenly felt as if he wanted to sleep. Aira stretched as she moved out behind him, yawning. Tora and Todd glanced at each other as they exited. "What do you say to a rousing game of Silent Hill?" Todd asked with a wide grin. Tora grinned in return, showing off his sharp, pearly fangs. "I'm in," He said, then after a slight pause. "It doesn't have any samurai in it, does it?" "Uh...no..." "Oh. Okay, then I'm in!" The two raced into the kitchen and jammed a bowl of popcorn into the microwave. Tora perched on the back of a chair while Todd sat on the edge of the counter. Marshall leaned in the doorjamb, adjusting his glasses and heaving another sigh. "Something wrong?" Aira asked with a toss of her silver hair. She smiled winsomely as she approached. "You look a little down, Marsh." "Shouldn't you be?" He asked with a bit of a grumble. "Bad fanfiction in the basement, a heaping pile of breakfast dishes...man, this day is going horribly." "Come on," She tugged at his hand and began leading him towards the stairs. They ascended the flight and crossed down the hall to the door that led to the attic. Aira led him up into the musty-smelling attic and to a window that opened up onto the gentle slope of a roof tier. She stepped out into the cool, crisp air and spread her arms to the wind. "Isn't it nice up here?" She asked as Marshall stepped out onto the roof. "Take a look at the scenery." He did. And it certainly was beautiful. The trees of Boise, Idaho were showing their full autumn foliage, and the birds seemed joyful as they darted back and forth in the afternoon sunlight. Aira's warm fingers slid towards his, intertwining and pulling him closer. He spun on his heel and faced her with a confused look on his face. "Aira..." "Shh..." She whispered softly, taking the front of his t-shirt in both hands. She licked her lips with what seemed to be a feral sort of hunger, something he had never seen from her before. She stretched up on her tiptoes, moving her lips towards his. "This is our moment." "HEY! GUYS!" Marshall jumped in surprise, loosing his foothold on the roof. He stumbled back and rolled down the slope of the roof, bouncing once before he plummeted down a full two stories to land on the grass below. A loud thump wound its way up to Aira's ears. "Oooh..." Marshall groaned from below. "My hip...my hip." "Hey," Tora poked his head out the attic window, scratching his cheek with one claw. "Where did Marsh go?" "Oh, my God," Aira knelt at the edge of the roof, watching the splayed-out form of Marshall lying there groaning. Tora watched as well, his eyes white and round. "Well, that sucks," He said in his growling voice. "I'd better go down and help him." As Tora floated gently to the ground, Todd made his way out the window and stood next to Aira, jamming his hands in his pockets. Together, they watched as Tora set his claws upon Marshall. "Just lay back. I've seen chiropractors do this on TV." "OW! Dammit, Tora! Get your claws offa me!" "C'mon, you weenie! You're in good paws!" "Listen, fuzzball...you touch me there, I'll shove my foot up your fluffy ass!" "Hey! It is NOT fluffy!" "Ouch! That's it, you giant, hairy hemorrhoid, I'm getting up and I'm gonna..." Todd blew out a soft sigh and turned around. "Let's get back into the theater. This hiatus of ours didn't do us any good at all." "I think you're right." Aira watched Marshall, grumbled a little, and followed Todd through the window. * * * * * > **A Stroll Through Hell** > Part 1, act 3 The Chase. Tora: What? Marshall: YOU know what, fuzzy. I won't hold back next time. Tora: Be reasonable. You don't have a magic weapon, and you're not a demon. You couldn't take me on if you tried. Marshall: Damned...fluffy...bastard... > Kiyone: hmm I wonder what it would be like to be with him, oh but that's silly > he'll find somebody he likes, oh but what if it is me? > Ryoko: I don't think you'll find out (creates beam sword) but for your sake I'll > tell you the answers to your questions he'll find somebody else, me, not you and > my life will be prefect with him with me. (Brings the sword up to her neck) Marshall: All your base are.aw, forget it. Todd: Oh, give me a break. Ryoko would respect any decision Tenchi makes simply because she loves him so much. She wouldn't fly into a murderous rage like this. Tora: Aren't you nitpicking a little? Todd: Well, yeah, but...so? > Kiyone: (use's shield to nock the sword away) all right, attempt on a civilian's > life plus attempt on officer's life lets see who this goes over with the people > back at G.P. Tora: Okay...what civilian did she assault...and where did Kiyone get a shield? Aira: Damned if I know, Tora...damned if I know. > Ryoko: (pulls the sword up) the people at G.P. don't have to know, it will be > just between me and your carcass. Marshall: And believe me...me and your carcass have a LOT of catching up to do! Mua ha ha ha! Todd: That...just sounded stupid. Marshall: Well...uh...I didn't have much time, I did the best I could! > Kiyone: (socks Ryoko in the stomach and runs) you'll have to get me first! Aira: Hit an' run, Kiyone! Marshall: Look! I'm socking Tora! And now I'm running! Aira: No way, Biscuit. You're not getting away before we do. >Ryoko: Damn!... she hits hard but she doing exactly as planed. (Drops to the > ground and disappears) > Kiyone runs by millions of trees as she searches for Tenchi. Todd: I wonder if the author actually realizes how many trees 'a million' really is. Tora: Huff...puff...damn! I've been running for almost three days now! > Kiyone: damn it!!! Where's Tenchi when you need him. (goes up the stairs and falls > to her knees by accident) > Aeka: hey! Kiyone! > Kiyone: (turns her head to see Aeka in the bushes) huh, oh, Aeka you have got > to help me. Aira: But first...what are you doing in the bushes? Marshall: Um...masturba- Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, I was picking flowers. > Aeka: its Ryoko isn't it but don't worry come on. > Tenchi walks towards the house when Ryoko flies out sword in hand. > Ryoko: KIYONE!!! COME OUT!!! (Ryoko flies away) > Tenchi: holy shit! I knew it! > (follows Ryoko to where ever Kiyone was) Tora: Sounds like not even the author knows where that is. Todd: Did TENCHI just say the word 'shit'? That's like...the president swearing on public access television. It just...doesn't happen. That would be like...Marshall getting a date. Marshall: Hey! Todd: "Hey is for Horses", bud. Marshall: Jerk. > Aeka: look over there. (points to the right) > Kiyone: (looks in the direction pointed out) what I, don't see it? > Aeka: look closer. > When Kiyone is not looking Aeka hits her with a stick and drags her off. Tora: Is this the same stick that Ayeka 'whipped out' before? Marshall: You're cruisin' for a bruisin', fluffy. > Ryoko: HUH, oh great you got her meet you in the cave. (disappears) > Tenchi: damn it lost her. Hmm, oh the cave huh, will just see who is behind this > (Tenchi runs, jumps off the tree limb and heads towards the cave.) Aira: When was Tenchi in a tree? Tora: Does he ever travel by tree branches? > ~Two minutes later, in the cave~ > Kiyone: huh? What... what happen? Oh, my head hurts. Aeka. Where are you? > (Opens eyes) what the hell am I doing inside Ryoko's cave? Aira: RICHARD NIXON! Marshall: ... Todd: ... Tora: ... Marshall: Aira...please, answer me this one simple question...WHY did you just shout 'Richard Nixon'? Aira: Come on, I said it earlier. Besides, think about it. Watergate is WAY more interesting than this fic could ever be. Todd: I could never get into my American Government class, but I'd say she has a point. Tora: What's 'Watergate'? > Aeka: it's a pitiful thing to lower myself to this but I won't allow you to have > Tenchi. > Kiyone: WHAT!?!? > Ryoko: you played it out perfectly. > Kiyone: What do you mean played it out perfectly. > (notice's she restrained to the wall when she tries punch and run again.) Aira: C'mon, Kiyone! Punch 'er in the boob! Marshall: Aira...that makes two. Aira: What? > Ryoko: you pack a wallop in that fists. Tora: 'That fists'? Marshall: Tora...please. It's almost finished. >But to answer your question; me and Aeka > planed this out Aeka looks to up-right to do a thing like this and if I scared you > well enough you'd go looking for Tenchi, but if you found Aeka we knew you would ask > her to help might help. Then when you'd leas expect it she'd hit you over the head > and drag you off to here. Marshall: Before you kill me, will you at least tell me your plan? In great detail, please, for Tenchi behind that rock over there. Aira: Oh, okay...well, anyway. > Aeka: we knew that if you had "left" Tenchi would pick another and Ryoko and I where > determined to chose one of us. > Kiyone: this is not going to be good to your heath Aeka you know how Jurai deals with > traitorous acts as for you Ryoko G.P. is going to be pissed of when they hear what you > did and you could be locked up for along time or until Nagi finds you. > Aeka / Ryoko: Who's going to know? Marshall: Uh..the GP, for one. > Kiyone: G.P., when I don't come to the monthly report. > Aeka: I could tell them that you were K.I.A. during a mission in your earth job. Aira: The sheer illogical nature of their plan is mind-boggling. First of all, who says she's on a mission? It would have to be confirmed with headquarters first. Second of all, where would they hide the body? Todd: Third of all...are we at the end yet? > Kiyone: Mioshi? > Ryoko: HAH! Well say the same thing to her except that this time we'll also say that > you were the only one to be assigned to the job, she's such a bumble head she'll fall > for it. All: Marshall: All right...and a-one, and a-two, and a-three... Aira: Boom, boom, boom, boom...gonna shoot 'ya right down... Tora: Get offa your feet...take 'ya home with me... Todd: Put 'ya in my house...boom, boom, boom, boom... Marshall: A-howa-howa-howa-howa...mmm-hmm... All: Yaaaaay-heeeeeey! > Kiyone: ("their probably right", her eyes get wide) > Tenchi!!! Aira: I think we've all pretty much given up on any hope of correct spelling or context by now, haven't we, fellas? > Aeka / Ryoko: we done enough training to trick him into believing us. > Tenchi: (walks out of the corner he was hiding in) Yeah, well I think I've heard enough > of this junk to last me the entire time! Marshall: Poof! And there he is! Just happened to hide out and hang around instead of immediately jumping to Kiyone's rescue. That's our Tenchi. > Aeka / Ryoko: huh, Tenchi?! > Kiyone: (struggles to get free) oh yeah, now your in for it! Todd: Awww, ye-yeah, bizzatch! Now y'all in fo' it, mutha fuggas! > Tenchi: PLEASE, TELL ME THE LOGIC IN KILLING KIYONE!!! Tora: Actually...as this chart shows, killing Kiyone will bring about a cosmic shift that will prevent the deaths of millions. Marshall: Oh...well, then. Carry on. > Aeka: oh dear. > Ryoko: umm... well... uh hmm... TENCHI YOU MUST MARRY ME OR... OR...... Aira: is this how Ryoko gets out of tense situations? Is this what she does when she gets nervous? Yells at people and orders them around? Marshall: Ryoko! What are you doing with my dad...naked? Tora: Uhh...well...uh hmm...TENCHI, YOU MUST MAKE ME A SANDWICH...OR...OR... > Tenchi: or what Ryoko, you'll kill Kiyone and make me hate you! Is that what you > want?! Do you want me to despise you for what you did?! Well you haven't done it > yet but you're about to! I really don't like you right now don't try me any further! Aira: I...really don't like you! You...stupid...stinkybuttpoophead! Todd: Uh...boo-hoo? Fiddlesticks? > Aeka: but ten... (is cut off by Tenchi) > Tenchi: and you Aeka, your royalty, what the hell do you think your doing! Ryoko > doing this, well I must say I'm little not surprised but you... you of all > people! Jeez, I mean come on I'm starting to think all that royalty is making you > greedy! > Aeka: oh, Tenchi! I'm sorry. > Tenchi: sorry is not going to cut you and Ryoko have been causing havoc for the last > 5 years! Do you know how high strung I am with all of that! and now this?!?!? > Please show me the logic in this, please?! Todd: Didn't I show you the chart? Here, take a look at this. Marshall: Oh, yeah...forgot about that...carry on. > Ryoko: sorry, I'm very sorry (floats away) > Aeka: I shall see what happens to me in court. No more will I stay here I, > promise that. (with that she runs away. Tora: She's being a little poetic, isn't she? "No more will I stay here!" Marshall: Aren't you being a little harsh? > Kiyone: Tenchi help me! (struggles more) > Tenchi: hold on Kiyone. > Tenchi runs over to Kiyone to unlock her from the wall but finds he needs a key. Marshall: Damn! I need to go through the dungeon and find the Blue Key! Stupid RPG rules! > Tenchi: Damn it! Need a key. Stay very still Kiyone. >Kiyone: ok. > Tenchi creates one light hawk wing. He changes it to look like an exacto knife > grabs it and slowly cuts the chain. Kiyone falls from the wall onto Tenchi and kisses > him. Aira: Tch...an 'Exact-O' knife? Come ON. That doesn't even deserve a joke! Tora: And somehow, Tenchi's 'nosebleed factor' doesn't add up when it comes to making out with Kiyone. > Kiyone: Oh Tenchi! You saved me, but what about those two. (Hugs him tightly) Todd: Question mark. > Tenchi: I don't know Kiyone, I just don't know. > ~Twenty minutes later, Tenchi's bed room~ > Kiyone rests her head on Tenchi's chest. > Kiyone: good night. > Tenchi: good night Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen, the shortest sex scene in history! Aira: As hot as the arctic! Tora: As sexy as a pair of wet sweatpants! Todd: Steamy as...uh...Richard...Nixon? Aira: That's MY joke, you can't have it. > End of part 1 > Next time: well its time for Tenchi to go to college to get away from it all but what > is "she" doing there. I'm sure you know who "she" is. Marshall: C'mon, gang. Let's get the HELL out of here. Aira: I am not a crook! Tora: Aira...just shut up. Todd: I like pie. * * * * * "Y'know, guys," Marshall said as he went over the budget about an hour later at the kitchen table. "We have enough loose cash to buy enough tickets so we can sell out a theater for a movie." Todd was concocting Oreo milkshakes not too far away. "Why would we want to do that?" He asked, adding ice cream to his brew. "I mean...there are only four of us. Why would we want to buy every single ticket for a single movie?" "One word, Todd: Tora. Do you really think anyone is going to just sit around and watch a movie with a four-hundred pound tiger demon sitting next to them? We'd all be gunned down by cops and the local militia. That, or he would eat everyone in the audience." "I see what you mean." Aira swirled in wearing a red evening dress and high heels, taking a saucy pose in the doorway and spreading her arms. "How do I look?" She asked with a purring lilt to her voice. "Good?" "Very nice," Marshall replied with a blush, fumbling with his glasses. "But what's the occasion?" "I don't know," She responded, shrugging and making a catwalk stride towards the table, which she sat upon with an arched back. "Just felt like dressing up." Todd grinned as he poured the milkshake into four cups. "Guys," He said. "I have an idea." * * * * * Later that night, the four of them made their way into the otherwise empty theater, all of them dressed their best. Aira wore her red evening dress and wound her arm with Marshall's, who was wearing a pair of jeans, a black turtleneck and a sports coat, casually classy. Todd followed close behind wearing a tuxedo, and Tora looked like a 6'8'' furry yellow feline Chippendale's Dancer, clad only in an odd-shaped pair of pants specifically tailored to his unique body structure, and a bow tie. "Dressing up like this was a good idea," Tora said with a pleased smile. "I feel all.neat and clean." "You were combing your fur not twenty minutes ago," Todd pointed out. Aira giggled. "It's amazing we managed to fit you into the car at all," She said. "For a minute there, I thought we would need a plunger or a crowbar." Marshall just smiled as they took seats in the middle row. Aira leaned against him, and he wound his arm around her shoulders. The picture began, flickering across the screen. It was Excalibur...possibly the worst movie ever made. Well...it was certainly better than Tenchi fanfiction. ~*~End