AN AUTHOR'S DESPERATE PLEA

                         By the Smooth Criminal Ohtaku

Hilde: Here's today's warning: if you hate Sakyua please do not hunt us down and 
kill us like the poor bastards we let ourselves become.

 

Smooth Criminal Ohtaku: Hilde! Shut up and sit down, (looks to his audience) and 
that goes for you too.

 

Hilde: (sighs).my second fic and I've already been placed on the hit list of 
every West coast rapper.what next?

 

SMC: Let's not dwell on that little incident, now SHUT UP!

 

(Hilde becomes unusually quiet)

 

SMC: Ohm.. ok. Ladies and Gentlemen I come to you for a respite to the blasting 
of the Tenchi in Tokyo character Sakuya, she has no idea that
she's hated this much.I kinda like her myself, but that's unimportant.

 

(Ryoko waltzes into the seminar room and is pissed)

 

Ryoko: How dare you defend such a worthless homewrecking skank?

 

SMC: Like this Ryoko (grins wickedly).

 

(Smooth Criminal Ohtaku hits Ryoko over the head with an M-4 Carbine Assault 
Rifle)

 

Ryoko (rubbing her head): Ow.now why'd you do that?

 

SMC: As long as you hate Sakuya I will hate the rest of the Tenchi cast.even 
Sasami and Washu.

 

(Sasami and Washu walk in perplexed)

 

Washu: But you love me!  Why Smooth.why?

 

SMC: Because Ryoko hates Sakuya.

 

(Sasami and Washu glare at Ryoko)

 

Sasami: Ryoko, why do you have to be so mean to Sakuya, she just liked Tenchi as 
much as the rest of us and she has as much of a right to
compete for him as you and Ayeka do.

 

Ryoko (with a sigh): Okay I'll be nice to her, but I won't like her.

 

SMC: Good for you Ryoko.  Now as I was saying, Sakuya isn't a whore or a bitch 
or a conniving slut. She was just a shadow of Yugi who just
wanted Tenchi and be his girlfriend, not destroy the relationship of the family.

 

(Ayeka walks in after hearing this with Azaka and Kamidake behind her)

 

Ayeka (VERY PISSED.but calm): Mr. Ohtaku, I appreciate your valor of defending 
such a girl but the odds are stacked against you.  There are
many people who hate Sakuya and anyone who has the spine to defend her, most 
people like the idea of Tenchi getting any one of the original
female characters like myself or Miss Ryoko and the thought of this new girl 
[Sakuya] coming along and snatching him away is intolerable.

 

SMC (calm despite the danger he's in): but Ayeka, she didn't get him did he?

 

Ayeka: I guess you're right Mr. Ohtaku.

 

SMC: Anyways.I think neither you nor Ryoko deserve him.

 

Ryoko and Ayeka (ready to kill): WHAT DID YOU SAY??

 

SMC: Well I think Sasami should get Tenchi.

 

Ryoko and Ayeka: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(As Ayeka and Ryoko attack, Eva Unit 01 comes crashing down and steps on them)

 

Hilde (horrified): Shinji, why?

 

Shinji: Well ever since Smooth made Amityville, everyone at NERV has been really 
treating me with respect; my father even said he was proud of
me! So to return Smooth's favor I decided to protect him while he's making this 
seminar. 

 

SMC (teary-eyed): Thank you Shinji, I-I-I don't know what to say.

 

Shinji: Just make a fic where I get Asuka in the end and I'm happy.

 

SMC: Deal.

 

(Eva unit 01 walks away leaving a badly beaten Ryoko and Ayeka writhing in pain)

 

SMC: Now where was I.? Ah yes, the rant.now let me get to the most disturbing 
part of my seminar.the fan-fic writer's habit of making
Tenchi hate Sakuya like the plague.

 

(Tenchi walks up to the stage waving and smiling sheepishly)

 

Tenchi (a little stage frightened): How are you Smooth?

 

SMC: Oh I'm okay, but right now I need your testimony, did you hate Sakuya at 
all during your run in Tenchi in Tokyo?

 

Tenchi: Heavens no, Sakuya was one of the nicest people I ever met, she really 
had an effect on me and I'll never forget her for that.

 

SMC: Well Tenchi there are people out there that write you dangerously out of 
character when in regards to Sakuya.

 

Tenchi (puzzled): How so Smooth?

 

SMC (hands Tenchi a copy of "The Magical Girl Pretty Nobleyuki" by AAA-
Phucknut): Read this Tenchi my brotha.

 

(Tenchi reads it and gasps)

 

Tenchi: That's horrible! I'd never do that to Sakuya, that's awful!

 

SMC (faces his audience): As you can see Tenchi would never do anything so 
horrible to Sakuya as to call the mob in to remove her, he cares for
her as much as he cares for all the lovelies living at his house. So in review, 
Sakuya isn't a slut is not a whore nor a bitch, she's just a girl
who was created by an evil entity to ruin Tenchi's life; so if you should be 
hating anybody its should be Yugi. One more thing, Tenchi does not
hate Sakuya, he cares for her deeply, and so anyone who thinks otherwise can go 
to hell.

 

(SMC bows and walks off the stage)

 

Hilde: That was brave.foolish but brave.

 

SMC: Thank you Hilde, now let's go.

 

(Sakuya walks up to Smooth and Hilde wearing sunglasses and a scarf)

 

Sakuya: Excuse me, I saw your seminar, I really want to thank you.

 

SMC (Blushing): Aw it was nothing really I really enjoyed it. Thanks for the 
complement Sakuya; it is really nice to meet you finally.

 

Sakuya (smiling): Your welcome Smooth, so where are you going?

 

SMC: Hilde and I are going back to Preventer HQ to watch the Seminar I had Duo 
record it. You want to come see it with us?

 

Sakuya: Sure, we can pick up some pizza on the way.

 

Hilde (grinning): Yum, pizza!

 

(Smooth, Hilde, and Sakuya walk out to hop into Smooth's limousine when they saw 
Eminem standing in front of it)

 

Eminem: You die now you plagiaristic bastard.

 

(Just as Eminem was about to kill Smooth, The Outlaw Star comes crashing down 
and splatters the rapper all over the parking lot. The ship's
hatch opens and the crew walks out)

 

Jim: Great landing Gene.

 

Gene: Hey it's not like you could do better, now where is that Smooth Criminal 
Ohtaku guy?

 

SMC: Over here.what?

 

(Gene smiles and shakes Smooth's hand)

 

Gene: Thanks, ever since Amityville came out me and my crew is now famous, 
thanks man.

 

SMC: Thanks; want to come with us for pizza? Bring your friends if you want.

 

Gene: Sounds like a plan, well let's go crew.

 

SMC (to Melfina): Hey Mel, say the final notes.

 

Melfina: Okay. Now here's the legal stuff, Smooth here doesn't own any of the 
characters mentioned here except himself, so please do not
sue him, we belong to our respective companies and Eminem belongs to Interscope 
Records, yes they still own his ass.  So please come back and
enjoy the madness, farewell.

 

(Melfina runs to catch up with the others and the fic 
ends....................now.)

 

THE END......or is it?

 (Trust me it ain't)