AnimePort#9 MST. MST#11 The MST of: “Connections” and, “TENCHI! Master of His Domain!” DISCLAIMER: My following apologies to the following people and/or companies for borrowing and/or creating parodies of their characters, and stories; Rumiko Takahashi, VIZ video, AnimEigo, Pioneer LDC, AIC, U.S. MANGA corps, Kosuke Fujishima, Nintendo, Creatures Inc., GAME FREAK Inc., Best Brains Productions, a bunch of anime companies and writers that I do not know personally, My third grade math teacher, and all others who would be insulted by this MST (Original FanFic writer, optional.). ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………… Somewhere in the vastness of the multiverse, there is a certain focal point of the worlds. A place where our reality and those of our favorite comic books meet, and are able to cross. At this place was constructed a huge station, technically advanced in ways that surpass even the most futuristic of realities. In this place research is conducted on the fictional stories that are created by the ever adoring fans of the comics. FAN-FICTIONS. One man from our reality, a sponsor of the station, has been given the task of leading the research on the stories, by bringing together the most unique group of people from the anime realms. The place is “AnimePort#9”. These are the reviews. . . _____________________________________________________________________________________ Technical note: MST’d by the following group of people and/or characters. PETER SUZUKI. PRISS ASAGIRI. RANMA SAOTOME. AYEKA JURAI. Documentation made by the following; B-KO DAITOKUJI. Begin recording of research documentation. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ On the Anime Port, sometimes the employees burn the midnight oil in their quest to review fan fiction stories. Either to gain overtime pay, or to avoid problems at home. How much work is actually done is debatable, but the time spent on the station is not. This documentation is just ONE example of the Anime Port 9 crew willingly staying overnight, and what that night brought forth. Ladies and Gentlemen, and you Tank Cop, we are kind of proud to present; Peter & His Amazing Friends VS... The BALD Intwuder!!! ### There was an odd popping noise... There generally always is... some disturbed bit of reality based flatulence that heralded anything from the birth of messianic beings, to the odd platypus debacle. The universe had long ago found it could even imitate the noise, just by placing it's hand under its arm and making a flapping notion. Sadly, this led to it not being invited to any of the really high class cosmic parties, but it was a favorite at the more drunken affairs so it could be postulated that it all worked out in the end. The very fabric of time and space split a little to the side and revealed a small figure, emerging like a newborn from the all encompassing womb that was the darkness of blackest space. The universe looked up, noted the newcomer, burped again for effect and replaced the lamp shade on its head, determined to sleep it off. Grumbling, the mystery guest stumbled forward, forgoing the signing in process and looked around, before his lower limb made rather uncomfortable contact with one of those low lying coffee tables. You know, the sort that like to ambush night time wanderers. Well, their shins and toe's at any rate. "Awwwwggghhh! Stupid table weg!" ### Elsewhere a woman in a lab coat was absently clicking a mouse, eyes focused into an intensive, all encompassing stare that would have bore holes into the flat screen before her if she didn't pause every so often to take a sip of the caffeine overridden cola by her side. Not even the best NASA had to offer for twice the gross national product of a semi-second world nation could have taken it all in better. And her lenses didn't need repairs every two dozen light years. >From the relative safety of the glowing screen before her, a rather nude blonde moppet smiled brightly to all observers. B-ko bit her bottom lip and dragged her teeth across its soft surface before clicking on the next pic. This one seemingly depicting the many wondrous possibilities of elongated vegetables and inquisitive nature. A small warning light began blinking, alerting anyone that paid attention to such, that an intruder was out and about the world at large and currently rubbing a rather sore kneecap and man, that had to hurt, the computers actually FELT that one. This warning was ignored, Alt dot Binaries dot Pictures dot Erotica dot BlondeMoppets dot C-ko dot Iguana's... demanding the woman's full attention. Besides, it was probably just another Gieger refugee, it'd just lay a few eggs, hug a few faces, burst a couple of chests, and move on. Certainly nothing to get worked up over... now C-ko in leather chaps... on the other hand.... MmmmMMmmmmm. ### Deeper in the compound, another young woman was trying to get one more spritz out of her can of ozone depletion. Sighing, she tossed the empty can to the side and took a critical glance in the mirror before her. Humph, still not quite enough, though the minute winged insect currently frozen in midair would perhaps not have agreed with her. Had she been able to hear their teeny pleas for assistance, or at least Goldblum's phone number as Price wasn't around any more, it wouldn't have mattered. There were certain things that had to be done. Mall hair wasn't born, as much as genetically designed, and without copious amounts of Vidal Sonoda, it tended to get violent. The newer model didn't seem to have the same problem, benefits of not being penned into existence during the eighties she guessed. Still, Priss mused, at least she could actually sing. Humming to herself in self satisfied tones, she pulled out another can and began her fourteenth coat. On her bed stand, a screen blared a warning, unheard over the sounds of spritz and spray. ### A pounding on the door denoted that, despite all evidence to the contrary, Princesses had to go sometimes too. Huffing and puffing, Ayeka beat relentlessly on the holy gates to the heaven of running water and eased bladders. "Ranma, you get out of there this instant or I shall be forced to resort to uncivilized behavior... or I might just tie your genitalia into a knot!" Inside the pearly gates, Ranma was experiencing something entirely new to him, and frankly, she LOVED it! Apparently, it was called a bedai or some such, kind of like a household enema set for comfort. If only that odd thumping noise would cease as it was sort of spoiling the moment. And she/he was having a moment, he/she was SURE of it. Meanwhile, two computers; one with a Jet Lee screensaver, the other displaying what seemed to be the soon to be crown prince of Jurai.... in a speedo; beeped and boinged, trying to get somebody's, ANYBODY’S attention. ### Sighing once again, managing to imply a veritable cornucopia of "why me" and "your just enjoying the hell out of this aren't you, God?" in the grump, the intruder stumbled about blindly. Sure, he could have just removed his ray bands, but at just under five feet, with much of that being a somewhat largish bald head, he needed all the Keanuisms he could get. Pulling his trenchcoat tighter around him, like a Schultz creation with a masters in theology and an over dependence on comforter fabric, the young man continued forward. His eyes dilated to their utmost, trying to gather what ambient light could be found in this maze of darkness, minotaurs of knee high furniture lurking at every turn. Suddenly, as though some celestial being had asked for a refreshing inebriating beverage, there was illumination. By the sounds of clinking glass, and shoved aside milk cartons, it was probably a fridge. Someone was searching for munches, considering the lack of crisper scan, probably a male. "Mulph, where'd Ranma put the milk? AHAH! Behind the lettuce, very clever Saotome, but not quite clever enough." The bald man watched the shadows before him, observing the silhouette before the light of the Maytag Hydro Freeze with it's optional cryogenic unit humming quietly in the back. He saw the darkened figure pull out a jug, look down at the glass in his hand, toss it back into the sink beside him, and take a long swig from the container of moo juice itself. Leaving a single swallow for whomever in the morning, Peter turned, focusing on the monumental task of removing a Hamdinger from it's bioengineered, plastic housing. Forgoing the normal pull and scream method, the guy had gone right to the rip with teeth approach, pitting his dental work against the best that recycled plastitech had to offer. It wasn't having much effect. "Need a hand?" Peter leapt back, body automatically assuming the awesome defensive kung-fu stance that was the three toed sloth. "What? Me, drinking from the jug? Of course not... I... hey, you’re not Ayeka. You’re a short, bald man in a trenchcoat and shades... nope, she doesn't wear sunglasses. Humph, what kinda security system just lets bald guys wander in and not give us any warning?" Somewhere, a computer desk top in Peter's room was grumbling quietly to itself, making an internal promise to wipe it's masters hentai files clean. "Hi, ummmmm, awe you Wanma or Pwiss, I'm wooking for them and..." the hairless individual before Peter paused. Reaching into his coat, he pulled out a small list. "Yep, just as I thought, Pawwot sent me after people with R's in thewe name." Shaking his head, the disgwuntled individual gwumbled. "Well, their probably in bed, or avoiding actual work like I am, but no matter, for you face Peter, Debbi-mon master! Hamdinger, I choose YOU!" Plastic packaging opening on its own accord, the tasty treat and juggernaut of self-destructive sugary satisfaction, leapt forward. Peter smiled, knowing that not only was the carnage soon to start, but afterwards, he'd get something to eat. What he wasn't prepared for was the bald man before him, reaching into his own coat and pulling out a package of his own. "Fugdie Wudgie! I choose YOU!" Something tore its way out of its own package, standing there, snarling, bits of cream and chocolate drool foaming from every orifice. Quickly, Peter whipped out his personal Navi (If you have not seen the Anime “Serial Experiments lain”, then you do not know what a ‘Navi’ is. -- Peter Suzuki.). "What the hell is that?" said the Navi, in the typical Pokemon tone of input. Peter looked back to the monstrosity of frosting and sponge cake gone terribly wrong. "ROSEBUD," it roared. "Ummm, yeah. Maybe not, Hamdinger, return." Peter gave a sort of nervous smile, pausing only to catch the minature munchie before it could retreat to the saftey of it's package. Biting off a bit and chewing it thoughtfully, he asked, "Soooo, ummmm, your looking for Pwiss, huh?" After retrieving his own snack cake gone bad, the other man nodded. "Yeah, wook, I'm weawly sowwy about awl this. I'm an amawgwam, my name's Kwudd and I..." "Kwudd?" "No, Kwudd." "That's what I said." "No, Kwudd, with an R." "Kwuddr?" "No, it... wait a sec... whose tawking?" "You I think... just a sec, lemme emote." Peter smiled. "Ah, thewe we go. Wook, do you have a univewsal twanswator?" Krudd queered. "I should hope not, we've all be vaccinated." Krudd sighed. "No, I mean one of those things that wet you know what other species is twying to say." "Oh, well, yeah, we never use them much though. Most aliens either speak perfect Japanese or imperfectly dubbed English, and either way, you can generally read the little words that appear underneath them." Peter mused for a second, "Still, I think I got one on me." After fumbling through his pocket, Peter pulled out a small device, fish shaped, with a small dial on its backside. "Used to have to stick live ones up your... nevermind. What should I set it for?" "Fuddism, that shouwd do it." “Okay, that's half a tick past Sylvester." Peter made the adjustments. "Now then, what is your name?" "Hokay, my name is Krudd, I'm an amalgam and I was sent to..." "Excuse me, you’re a what?" "An amalgam, like a chimera, a mixture of different things to create, well, a mutt." Krudd sighed. "In my case, it was Fudd and Krilliun." "How awful." "Well, yeah, but I'm better off then my bud, Count P-Chan." "Ummm, okay, so, that's the who... now then, what is your quest?" "The Parrot King sent me... don't rack your brain, you probably don't know him. Anyway, he read some of your MSTies... the big lemon lime thingy? And wondered if you'd like some fodder. Appears he has written a few of the things himself. Connections and TENCHI: Master of His Domain, or some such." Krudd shrugged. "Just wanted to let you know that he considers them fair game, and... as he put it... the game is currently wearing its silkiest stockings and showing up a bit off hoof in that oh so seductive manner that says to the truck driver... no, I'm not blinded... just, aroused." "Huh?" Krudd shook his head. "Don't ask, goddess knows why I had to tell. Anyway, that's the message. Up to you really, if you’re interested, the fics are under the name Keener, as the author. Good luck if you decide to do so, and goddess have mercy on your souls." With that, there was another cosmic fart, reality paused to rearrange its underwear for just a sec, taking the opportunity for a comfortable scratch in the nether regions... and Krudd was gone. Peter sighed... "Well, I feel used." Meanwhile, a certain computer chuckled evilly, as one more Cutey Cat Girl pic was deleted. ### B-ko was in the process of wishing that life would imitate art, when a knock came at the door. The control booth of the theater was her domain, which was customized with C-ko posters and photographs, and she made it a sound rule that everyone else had to knock before acquiring her attention. She quickly minimized the present Internet explorer window for the time being, to keep her ‘not so secret’ pleasures from view. “Come in.” said B-ko. The door opened to reveal the defacto leader of the MST group, Peter. “Hey B-ko, you up for a little late night fic getting?” “Why? Did some tall dark stranger in a trenchcoat ask you to riff something?” “Actually, he wasn’t that tall.” B-ko face faulted. “Anyway, there are supposedly two lemons in GenSao’s archive, that are waiting for us. They’re under the name Keener. I’ll go get the others.” And with that, Peter left. B-ko pulled herself back up to her chair, and proceeded to open another explorer window on her computer. A minute passed before Peter’s voice could be heard from the other side of the booth door. “Oh, and B-ko; the twenty seventh picture is of you and C-ko on a water bed, just to let you know.” For the second time that night, B-ko face faulted. ### Priss was still spraying her hair, when Peter entered the room. A spider, who made its home on a lamp presently over Priss’ head, tried to escape by jumping to the safety of the nearby coffee table. It now presently hung in mid air at a sixty degree angle, held fast by its solidified web strand still connected to the lamp. Peter went up to the punk-rock singer, as she applied her seventeenth coating, and tapped her on her shoulder. Priss spun around angrily, and glared at the person behind her. “FOR THE LAST TIME I WEAR BRIEFS, NOT BOXERS, AND STAY OUT OF MY- wait a minute. You’re not B-ko.” Priss crossed her arms over her chest. “Okay, Peter. What do you want? I’m busy.” “You can destroy the ozone layer in the station, later.” Said Peter. “Right now, we got some fics we’re going to be riffing soon. So get ready. Oh, and have you seen Ranma and Ayeka around by any chance? They’re not in their rooms.” “I don’t know where gender bender is.” Said Priss. “But Ayeka went to empty her royal highness, a little while ago.” “Okay, great.” Said Peter, turning to leave. “Oh, and don’t smoke while in this room. The janitor said there is some sort of fire hazard here, and the room needs to be aired out.” “I can smoke if I damn well want to!” shouted Priss, but Peter was already gone. She huffed, and proceeded to check her reflection in a hand mirror. Satisfied with the present look, she set down the mirror, and pulled out a cigarette. Sure she promised to quit smoking. But that was under the condition of ‘eventually’, and besides, she felt the need to show there was NO fire hazard in her personal space. She pulled out her personalized lighter (Okay, so it was just a “Priss and the Replicants” souvenir lighter, but it had HER name on it.), and struck on the flame. *BA-DOOOOOOOM!!!!* The spent cigarette fell out of her mouth, and the burnt lighter out of her hand, as she went to the fire extinguisher to put out her hairstyle. Hmm . . . Third time this week. Maybe there was something to that fire hazard remark, after all. ### “Ranma! Open up, or something unpleasant will happen in there, if something unpleasant happens out here!!” shouted Ayeka, hopping around, and crossing her legs. “Stand aside, Ayeka.” Said Peter, as he walked up to the bathroom door. “I’ll handle this.” And with that, Peter took clicked his Navi at the door’s computer lock, like a remote control. ### Inside of the bath chamber, the Anime Port’s resident red-head was discovering how nice and slippery body soap felt between her breasts, when Peter’s voice boomed in over the bathroom’s intercom. *RANMA SAOTOME, PLEASE FINISH UP WHAT YOU ARE DOING, AND REPORT TO THE LOUNGE FOR INCOMING FAN FICTION, THANK YOU!!!!!!!* The initial outburst of noise sent the buxom young woman jumping into the bath tub, to emerge from the water as a slightly dazed young man. ### “This thing is mighty handy.” Said Peter, as he put the Navi back in his jacket pocket. The bathroom sign changed from “Occupied” to “Come in, all’s clear!”, as a now male Ranma, fully clothed, rushed out of the bathroom. “Okay, what’s u-WOAH!!!” Ranma momentarily did an impersonation of the Tasmanian Devil, as the first princess of Jurai rushed into the bathroom. The “Come in, all’s clear!” sign changed to “Oh boy, this may take awhile”, as Kenny G on tuba accompanied by waterfall and ocean dumping, played in the bathroom. “Ranma, how many times must I tell you, other people need to use the bathroom too?” said Peter. *sssssssssss* *poooooot* *brubbal* *port* *aaah* “Oh, shut up.” Said Ranma. “I was almost . . .” *pubble* *blat!* *ssssss* *groan!* “Almost what?” asked Peter. *beyooooooooooooooooooooou!* “Nevermind.” Said Ranma, very quickly. *screeee!* *phssssssssss* *bloop* “Whatever.” Said Peter, before turning toward the bathroom door. “Oh, and Ayeka, we DO have a couple of stories to make fun of tonight, so be ready when you get out!” *frap* *crum* *groan!* “Okay, I shall be ready in a few minutes . . . *grubble* Or longer!” *ferp* And with that, Peter and Ranma left the princess to her duties. ### A screen saver showing a brown hared Anime cat girl giggled evilly to itself, from the monitor in Peter’s personal office. Its mischievous smile faded somewhat, as a dark, looming shadow crossed over its visage. “Put every single one of those pics, stories, and MPEG files back where they belong, or I’ll rewrite your imaging files from the ground up. And you know just how GREAT of an artist I am.” Said Peter, just before he left the room. The computer screen saver stared off into space for a few moments, before beginning the tedious task of going through the recycle bin folder, actually glad that it had forgotten to empty it recently. Still this was going to be a LONG night. ### Five minutes later, Peter and Ranma were standing in front of the theater doors, wondering where the other two members were. “Come on!” said Peter, looking at his watch. “The fics are loaded, and the signal will start any moment, so where’s Ayeka and Priss!? We need the two women here! We need fan service, damn it!” Ranma got a large sweatdrop on the back of his head, but did not say anything. Ayeka stormed into the lounge, and *BAM!* promptly stomped on Ranma’s foot as hard as she could. This caused Ranma to jump around on one leg for several minutes, screaming in pain, while the rest of him remained hopping in the lounge. Priss entered in a moment later, wisps of white smoke still coming off of her hair style. “Priss, there’s no smoking allowed in the theater, remember?” said Peter. “Shut up.” Replied Priss. “It’s out, I checked.” Just then, the signal to start, blared. *DAVE’S NOT HERE!* The MST group rushed into the theater, Ranma still hopping slightly as he followed the rest. ======================================================= (The MST group enters the theater, and Ranma has stopped hopping about. Four seats sit at the center of the theater. The MST group sits in said seats from left to right, in this order; Two double western cheese bur- or wait, wrong order. Ayeka, Ranma, Priss, and Peter.) AYEKA: I have the distinct feeling that this will be a long night, no matter how short the stories are. PRISS: It already has. RANMA: I just want to go to sleep, after this. PETER: The fic’s starting. ALL(bored): Yaaay. >By Keener ALL(waving goodbye): BYE! >Here it is, straight from the Parrot King to you. PETER(Keener as Jack Skellington): I AM THE PARROT KING!!! (The other group members stare at him, nervously.) What? >Believe me, just when you think you know >what's going on, you havenn't gotten to the end yet >^_- ALL(old geezer): Semi- EVIL! >Please read and enjoy, PRISS: Don’t worry. We won’t. >the lemon is just >flavoring and easily ignored and the story begins >and ends AYEKA(snaps her fingers): just like that! OTHERS: You wish. >. MST, C&C, anything is welcome and encouraged. RANMA: Be careful what you wish for. >Please, give generously... PRISS: Oh don’t worry about that. We’re going to open up a great big can of w- PETER: Priss, that’s enough! >Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo belongs first to it's orginal creators, >all twenty thousand of them, AYEKA: If the author starts naming them one by one, I will scream. >secondly to AIC and finally to Pioneer. PETER: And there was much rejoicing! ALL(bored): Yaaay. >Please worship any and all of >them at the temple of your choice. RANMA: Amen. >OtakuNXS presents... PRISS: Garbage. >Connections (Priss starts making electrocution noises.) PETER(pretending to be electrocuted): WOAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! THIS IS GREAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!! >So empty, so alone, RANMA: so Ryoga. >yet he was there, filling up the void with his presence, or >reminding you how vast the darkness really was. AYEKA: This narration is either by myself, or Ryoko, since I doubt Kiyone actually feels this way about Lord Tenchi. PETER(to Ayeka): How do you know it’s about Tenchi? AYEKA: Just a hunch. >His handsome face was full of smiles, smiles that >hinted, that tempted, but never confirmed. PRISS: You idiot. You just described Xelloss. AYEKA: Priss! We told you never to mention that name in this theater, again! RANMA: Yeah! He’s the Happosai of this station! PRISS: Well, sooooooory! >The boys >eyes made you panic to be caught up in them, but >made you beg they'd linger, just a bit more. And his >voice, okay, it was a trifle nasal and had a tendency >to get on one's nerves, but if that voice could just >whisper three little words, all could be forgiven. PRISS: Paper or plastic? RANMA: Mo better butter? PETER: Time for Teletubbies? (The other group members stare at him, nervously.) I know. I can’t believe I said that, either. >All in all, he was the sort to melt a heart, PRISS: and turn your stomach. AYEKA(angrily): Priss! >or break it completely. RANMA(Tor Johnson): Oops. I drop it. (Hit by Ayeka.) *WAP!* Ow! >Tenchi sneezed. AYEKA: A shot rang out. PRISS: The maid screamed. >Ayeka and Ryoko >sighed softly, a ceiling separating them, PETER(Ayeka): Well, this is LIKE sex. (Ayeka’s shield units surround Peter.) Uh-oh. *ZAAAKAZAAAKAZAAAKA!!!* >a world of differences keeping them apart, and yet still very >much connected. PRISS: So they each got a Game Boy, with a link cable. Big deal. >The space pirate yawned >drowsily, basking in the sun's warmth and letting >the energy seep into her. Cats may worship the >moon, (Ranma curls up into fetal position at the mention of ‘cats’.) PETER(slightly burnt): Wolves worship the moon. Cats worship Garfield, and sleep. >but it's the sunlight that whispers sweet >dreams, and today's rays spoke only of finding >companionship in a dream lover's arms. AYEKA: Unfortunately her dream got mixed up in the delivery, so she got “Tenchi on a Plate of Sashimi” instead. PRISS(Ryoko): AIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!! >The young princess, on the other hand, was quite awake. RANMA(Ayeka): Suh-suh-SUURRRGE!!! >The moonlight had been gentle with her last night, and >though she welcomed the power the sun brought, RANMA(to Ayeka): You’re solar powered? AYEKA: Shut up. >a silent voice in her head remembered the >deliciousness of his wispy embrace. ALL BUT AYEKA: Huh? AYEKA: I was dreaming of Tenchi. Get it now? OTHERS: Oh. >If only she hadn't awoken. He had looked at her with dark, >mysterious eyes and said... "Ayeka, I've got something for you." RANMA(Tenchi as The Rock): If ya smeeelll-la . . . what The Sword . . . is cookin’!! PETER: Hmm . . . Sasami must have made beans and cabbage for lunch. AYEKA & PRISS(turning slightly green): EEW! >Ayeka only partially winced at >the pinched voice. "And I, something for you, my >love." she sighed, remembering. ALL(stunned silent): . . . . . . . . . . (Ayeka slowly smiles.) RANMA: I thought she was supposed to be awake? >"Um, what are you talking about? Don't you want >this package? Grandfather said you had been >waiting for it for some time." PRISS(Ayeka): Ah! The anti-Ryoko rockets must have arrived! >Maybe he's just got sinus problems, I'm >sure Washu could do something about... AYEKA: Or Mihoshi, and her GREAT cough medicine. >wait a sec. The dream Tenchi always sounded like >David Sobolov, not Ned Flanders. PETER(Ned Flanders): Okely-dokely. >"Nevermind, Lord Tenchi, RANMA(Tenchi): Neverdid. PRISS(raven): Nevermore! >please come on in." She blushed slightly at >the last, AYEKA: The last, what? I think I should at least know about what I am embarrassed by. >damn that woman for pointing out that >strange earthen pun, now she could not keep the >vulgar thoughts from coming... arrrrggghhh! ALL(large sweatdrops on the backs of their heads): . . . . . . . . Ah-ha . . . . . . PETER: Well, this IS one of the older fics . . . . >"I could, I could come at another time, Ayeka. I'll just >leave the package outside." "No, now's the perfect >time to... come." PETER(Tenchi): Okay, I’m coming right now. (Ayeka’s shield units appear around him.) Just for you, Ayeka. (The shield units disappear, and Peter is suddenly hit by a red plasma bolt.) *BLAM!* . . . . I . . . can’t . . . . win . . . (Falls over.) *thud* >the young woman placed a hand >over her forehead and sighed heavily as she sat >down. The blush burned it's way through her skin. >"Are you sure? If you don't want me to come inside >I could always..." "Lord Tenchi! Get in here and >give me your package already!" RANMA: Now THAT’S the Ayeka we all know! (Hit by Ayeka.) *wack!* Ow! What did ya do that for!?! >Ayeka's face went >deathly pale, her eyes wider then saucers, of the >space faring, unidentified variety. Tenchi closed the >door behind him and smiled nervously, holding the >package as if to fend off attack. RANMA(badly dubbed Kung-fu person): Ha! I have fended off your UFO eye, with my package defense! Ha. Ha-ha. (Peter pulls himself back up from the floor.) >"Oh, forgive me >Lord Tenchi, I didn't mean to yell, I was just >getting so frustrated and..." "No-no problem, I >know it's hard and all, waiting for this package I >mean, you must have wanted it real bad." PRISS: Oh, you have no idea how bad she’s been wanting your package. AYEKA: You got that right. >The young man gave it to her, just like she wanted. >"Ummmm, Ayeka?" "Wha...? PETER(Tenchi): You’re drooling on the floor. (Ayeka looks down.) Ha-ha! Made you look! *ZAAAKAZAAAKAZAAAKA!!!* >Oh, sorry, just kind of caught up in the narrative." RANMA: This fan fic has about as much respect for the fourth wall, as we do! >She smiled and >accepted the package graciously, her hands >lingering on his own for only a moment longer >then necessary, yet not nearly as long as she >wanted. AYEKA: I am actually enjoying this story, and that scares me, because I know that somehow this feeling will not last. >Placing the package on the table, she >pulled off the wooden scepter attached to it and >activated it with her own key. The object's center >jewel began to glow and the image of a beautiful >woman appeared... PETER(still crispy around the edges): Could you be more specific? Nearly every girl in the series can be described beautiful in some way. >I hope your well, momzie misses >her sweatums, and little Sasami-chan, PRISS: Ayeka, you can come out now. It’s just the fic. AYEKA(nervously peeking out from behind her chair): . . . . . . . . >oh how harsh >a thing that a man's loins is sharp enough to tear a >young girl barely formed from her mother's womb. ALL: . . . . . . . . . . . . PRISS: I do NOT like the way that sounded. AYEKA(sitting back down in her seat): Even when it is just a story, she finds some way of embarrassing me in front of everyone. >That a heated embrace was worth more then a >motherly snuggle, that...> >Ayeka sighed, while Tenchi >scratched his head absently. A small bit of mental >concentration and the image speed through what >must have been hours of prime quality, A-list >flight, get your passports early, motherly guilt trip. PETER(mechanical monkey): Get your tickets here! Get your tickets here! Get your tickets here! Biddyddyddydydydydydddy. PRISS(sarcastically to Peter): I see you’re handling this fic well. >new outfits, ask and you shall receive sayeth the >prophets, and I am the poor stone you so >shamelessly toss first, right as you bleed it dry... what? RANMA(person from off screen): We only have four minutes of recording time! Hurry up! >Oh, Funaho says hi... where was I? AYEKA: You were screwing up old phrases, in an attempt to sound poetic. >Oh well, anyway, I >packed along Devo-chan, AYEKA(now paying full attention): . . . . OTHERS: Devo what? >thought perhaps you could >find some use for it, just remember to read the warning >first, and always wait at least three days after eating before...> (Ayeka starts giggling evilly.) PETER: I have a baaaaaaaaaad feeling about this. > >The message was cut short by Ayeka's mental >command, as she slowly opened the package. There >it was, sitting atop a rather virginal white >nightgown, somehow, the twisted length of Devo- >chan's black handle made even that look naughty. ALL BUT AYEKA: Uh-oh. AYEKA: Oh yes! >Tentatively, she let two of her fingers brush it's >finely polished edge, barely even disturbing the >tethered vine that extended from it. But all the >thing needed was that most absent of touches. >Ayeka froze, back arched, eye's closed. PETER: She really likes her toys, doesn’t she. (Tentatively looking towards Ayeka.) She’s not shocking me for that. PRISS & RANMA: Uh-oh. >"Ayeka? Or you okay? RANMA(Tenchi): Are or you just on a Plate of Sashimi? (Realizes what he just said.) D’OH! >" Tenchi placed a questioning hand atop >her shoulder, concern twisting his visage. Then, >slowly, a small smile on her lips, she turned to him. >"There is no Ayeka, only ZOOL!" AYEKA: OH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!!!!! (The other group members scramble to get as far away from Ayeka as possible.) >She lifted the >whip from it's resting place and let it fly with easy >flicks of her wrist. Devo-chan snapped and lashed, >cracked and thrashed RANMA(salesperson): It slices and dices, chops and shreds it-(Hit by ‘Devo-chan’ from the fan fic.) *KER-SMACK!!* OW! What the hey?! >. Tenchi did the only logical thing, PRISS: He screamed like a little girl, and fainted dead away? >he screamed like a little girl, and fainted dead away. ALL: . . . . . . . PRISS: I was just joking . . . >"Anno?" ALL(Peter through ‘Mr. Bullhorn’): “ANO” IS SPELLED WITH ONE FREAKING “N” DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! >Ryoko awoke suddenly, PETER(Ryoko): Wah! Football practice!!! >which considering the dream, was probably for the best. >Why they had to fight celestial creatures, ride >around in anorexic robots and take orders from >Tenchi's father who just smiled evilly and >videotaped everything, was beyond her. RANMA: So she was dreaming she was in a crossover with “Neon Genesis Evangelion”? >Of course, at least Tenchi had been there, and in that skimpy >little outfit too, yum. AYEKA: Humph! My dream had him in something even better. PRISS: I’m afraid to ask. >But how the boy had managed >to sound even MORE annoying perplexed the >young woman. AYEKA(angrily): HEY!! >She stretched, scratched her >backside and began phasing through the roof. Ah >well, just a dream, and not worth any undue worry, >certainly not a fic. PETER: Apparently she also phased through the fourth wall, as well. >After phasing through the fourth wall, (Everyone face faults.) >the cyan haired female paused halfway >through the ceiling. A voice having stopped her >cold. (Everyone pulls themselves up from the floor.) PRISS(innocent bystander): Look! A flying woman, who forgot her clothes!! PETER: Priss, that’s my line! >Damn, Ayeka's room, oh well, might as well >keep going if I'm out this far. Wait a sec, she >sounds a bit... odd. RANMA(Ryoko): She sounds like Tenchi, being whipped. >"Beg you worthless dog, beg for >the right to speak my name! The name that >whisper's it's way to the dark side of your heart. >The name of your mistress! " PETER(Tenchi, as Carrot Glace ): AAAH!!! PRINCESS-PRINCESS-PRINCESS-PRINCESS-PRINCESS-PRINCESS!!!!! AYEKA: OH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!!!!! >Yep, she'd never let a >participle dangle like that. Wait a sec, mistress? >Spiky hair and slitted eyes pulled it's way through >the ceiling and bare feet hit the floor PETER(narrator): oh, and so did Ryoko. >. She surveyed the scene before her. PRISS(handyman): Now, what we basically got here, is your typical Tenchi Muyo S&M fan fic lemon scene, with Ayeka whipping Tenchi like nobody’s business. >Ayeka was whipping HER >Tenchi, and doing a good job of it too. RANMA: Points to Priss, for getting that right. PRISS(sarcastically bowing): Thank you, thank you. You’re all too kind. >Not a single >mark marred his body, and his face held more fear >then actual sting. PETER(Tenchi, as Carrot Glace ): AAAH!!! PRINCESS-PRINCESS-PRINCESS-PRINCESS-PRINCESS-PRINCESS!!!!! AYEKA: OH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!!!!! PRISS(to Ayeka & Peter): We get the idea, now shut up. >The princess had even managed >to tie the boy to get his shirt off, the shredded >remains of which littered the floor. RANMA: Say what? >Ayeka turned >from her captive and smiled wickedly at her rival. PETER(Ayeka as Joe Don Baker): You think you can take me? Then go head on. It’s your move! (Ayeka’s whip wraps around his waist, and pulls him towards her.) WOAH! AYEKA(sternly to Peter): If you EVER do that again, I shall hurt you in places that even WASHU does not know the human body has. Understand? PETER(meekly): yes princess. AYEKA: Good. (And with a flick of the wrist, Peter is tossed back into his seat.) PETER(flying toward his seat): WOAH AGAIN! *poomph!* >"Ah, someone else wishes to feel the tip of my >whip. Come then wild child, let's see what you've got." (Ayeka glares at Peter, just daring him to say something. Peter remains quiet.) >with a snap, the blank tendrils of the whip >tore Ryoko's outfit open, spilling her ample bosom >for the world to see. (Ranma covers his eyes.) PETER: What’s with you, Ranma? Ryoko’s assets aren’t exactly anything new for us. RANMA(to Peter): Akane said she’ll kill me if I even look at another girl’s breasts while I’m up here. PETER: I thought she understood it’s just part of the job. RANMA(to Peter): Akane said she’ll kill me if I even look at another girl’s breasts while I’m up here. PETER(large sweatdrop on the back of his head): Okay then . . . >Snarling, Ryoko stepped >forward proudly. "About a good size or two more >then you." PRISS: I so much enjoy a joke older than the series it’s in. >Ayeka considered this as Tenchi simply >slumped forward, nose bleeding, brain on standby. ALL BUT AYEKA: Same old, same old. AYEKA: Shut up. I am trying to watch this. >"Humph, anything more then can fit in a wineglass >is unnecsecary, AYEKA(cracking her whip): Ya-TAH! *SNAP!* >besides, they make wonderful >targets." grinning maniacally, she sent another >strike toward her newest playmate. A called shot, >straight for the nipple, left breast PETER(in the typical D&D way): Now we roll for damage. >. It never even got >to cleavage level, Ryoko smiled wickedly, the whip >held tight in her right arm. "Are you really the best >Uranus.... I mean Jurai can produce?" PRISS(Tom Servo): First stop, MARS! The brightest star in our galaxy- PETER(Crow): Take me to, Uranus! (Ayeka’s shield units surround both of them.) *ZAAAKAZAAAKAZAAAKA!!!* >"Ho-how did you do that?" RANMA: Who’s talking? >Ryoko was seething. How long had >this been going on? PETER & PRISS(extra crispy): Too long. >Her heart ached and her face >burned, how long had they been laughing at her? PETER: Since we’ve started doing MSTs. No offence, it’s just what we do. >Friendly smiles seemed to turn to malicious grins... >or worse, pity. PRISS: Or even more worse, insanity. >The emptiness inside of her seemed >to gnaw away at her very being, the thirst coming >to a head, like a man slowly watching a mirage >fade before him. RANMA: I’m hungry. OTHERS: Hello hungry. RANMA(annoyed): Shut up. >All she could think about, was the >need to fill the void. With a snap, she sent Ayeka >flying towards her. "Get OVER here!" AYEKA(Shang Tsung): IT HAS BEGUN! (“Mortal Kombat” fight music starts playing in the background.) OTHERS(“Mortal Kombat” voice): CHEESY LEMON! AYEKA(annoyed): Hey! PRISS(MK ending voice): STUPIDITY! (Peter mimics Shang Tsung clapping.) >She turned >to Tenchi who had regained the ability to string >words into sentences. PETER(Tenchi): The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane. >He smiled that cruel smile he >always wore, the one that said yes, when his lips >said no PRISS: or when he said “Please let me get out from between you two before you start fighting”. >. "Umm, thanks Ryoko. Gee, I'd have never >thought of you as being the voice of reason but I >guess I misjudged you." RANMA: But because he still had the gag in his mouth, he said (Kenny impersonation) “Mph Mmmphh mph hmph mh. Mph, mm mmph mmphh mmmphh mh mph mm mmphh mph mmphh mm mmmphh mph mm mph mm mmphhmmph mph”, instead. >Had the gag not been in >place, Ryoko might just have heard him. RANMA: Ha! I was right! Oh yeah! Who da man! Who da man! (Twelve gallons of ICE water is dumped on top of Ranma.) *SPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!!* AYEKA(to Ranma): Not you anymore. RANMA(wet, freezing, and female): C-c-c-cold . . . B-KO(in the control booth): Sorry! I set my um . . . My coffee cup down on the button by mistake! >Ryoko looked to the noble, and placed a finger on her >exposed chest. PETER(car horn): Beep! >Suddenly, the princess was >incorporeal, and airborne once more, flying >towards Tenchi, her clothes hovering in mid air, >where the she had phased through them. PRISS(Ryoko): Hey princess, when was the last time you washed that outfit? AYEKA(to Priss): Shut up. >As she hit >the ground, Devo-chan skittered to the side, Ayeka >shook her head and frantically looked about, as if >just awakening from a nightmare, RANMA(Ayeka, frantically looking around): Wait a minute! Where am I? Who am I? PETER(ditto): And where did this rubber chicken come from? (The other group members stare at him nervously.) What? >and scanning the >room for shadows that might have escaped her >dreams. AYEKA: Ah! There is one!! It is hideous!!! Oh wait . . . It is just Ryoko. Silly me. ^_^ PRISS(to Ayeka): Quit smiling like that! You look like Xelloss for crying out loud! AYEKA(stops grinning): Oops! Sorry about that. (Ranma chooses this moment to take out her thermos.) >Then she noticed the unclothed chest of >lord Tenchi behind her, the young girls back barely >touching his front. A small trickle of blood escaped >her nasal cavity. AYEKA: Not one word, Ranma. RANMA(finishing pouring the hot water over her head, turning back to male): About what? AYEKA: Never mind. >Holding her nose, Ayeka yelled >out, "Wha-what's going on here? Ryoko, what's the >meaning of this? Give me my clothes this instant!" PETER(Jeopardy contestant): What is, “something normally said by Tenchi”. >Ryoko sighed heavily, her rival and her would be >lover WERE connected, she was even beginning to >sound like him. PETER(Jeopardy contestant): I’ll take, “Notions That Would Only Occur In This Fic” for three hundred. >Quietly, wiping an errant tear from >her left eye, she approached the both of them. Her >eyes were as silent as her voice, pain and desire >congealing into a simple need that radiated from >her body, quieting even Ayeka's wrath. Then she >looked at the both of them, and split. RANMA: So, after radiating her need to the both of them, she just leaves? AYEKA: I do not think it was that kind of ‘split’, Ranma. >One lonely young woman became two, her close fell in a pile >between the twin forms. PETER: It’s two, two, TWO Ryokos in one! PRISS(to Peter): Shut up before I hurt you. PETER(to Priss): Okay . . . You can stop pointing that gun at me now. PRISS(putting gun away): Just making sure. >The first Ryoko lifted >Tenchi from his position on the ground, she >wrapped a leg around his own and forced him >against her own flesh. PRISS(narrator): She slowly absorbed his body into her own- AYEKA(angrily): PRISS! PRISS: Okay, okay. I’ll shut up to . . . You can stop aiming your whip for me now. AYEKA(Devo-chan still out, but sitting back down): Just making sure. >One hand softly caressing >his cheek while another played about his spiky hair. >"I-I'm not saying you have to love me... yet." she >blushed slightly, painfully aware how she sounded. RANMA: No offense, but I think he’d say the Jabberwocky poem backwards, before that happened. (Looks more intently at the screen.) In fact, I think he’s doing that right now. >It was she was a young girl with her first crush, >fragile and unknowing, but then, that's exactly >what she was. "I never even knew what that word >meant until I meet you. I just... I just want to be a >part of you, for at least one night. That's not to >much to ask is it? Let me be one with you, we can >work on love, together." She pirouetted with >Tenchi, turning his body incorporeal as she did, his >clothes and the gag falling to the floor. PETER(narrator): She then superplexed him into the floor. (Hit by Priss.) *WACK!* OW! PRISS(to Peter): Remember that TALK we all had about Pro-Wrestling, Peter?! PETER: It was only ONE joke! >"Ryoko, I..." The space pirate didn't dare let him finish. >Maybe he would say yes, but she couldn't dare let it >be no, not tonight. The hand on his chin suddenly >pulled down, and she placed her lips over his own, >her tongue invading his mouth. AYEKA: You know, around this time, I would have intervened by now. >She never gave him >a chance to protest as she seemingly tried to >swallow him. Lips worked with just enough force >not to crush the boy's human body, but defiantly >enough to feel like he was being eaten alive. RANMA(Ryoko): *SLURRP!!* *GULP!* *BURP!* Hmm . . . Kinda stringy. (Hit by Ayeka.) *WACK!* OW! >To her, the boy was food, was drink, PETER: was almost a three course meal. (Ayeka’s shield units surround Peter.) *ZAAAKAZAAAKAZAAAKA!!!* . . . Okay . . . Seven course . . . Happy now? >was the sweetest >of air, in fact, he was life itself and she couldn't get >enough. Ayeka face went from a ghastly pale, to a >blushing pink, and finally to a vengeful red. AYEKA: If I turn burnt mahogany before this story is over, someone is going to die. >"What are you DOING?" she screamed, PETER, PRISS, & RANMA: Tenchi. AYEKA(to the others, readying Devo-chan): Shut up. PETER, PRISS, & RANMA: Yes, princess. >approaching the >pair, she never noticed the second Ryoko behind >her, as the clone pulled her the tips of her fingers >from her mouth, a small trail of saliva following >them through the air, over her target's shoulders >from behind and right atop the noble woman's >nipples. PETER(Ryoko): Let me just adjust your ‘tension’, here . . . >The girl suddenly stood ramrod, PETER(Ayeka, surprised): HELLO!! >unable to >move as the one time demoness slowly turned her >back around. "If you and him are already one, then >I can't love him, without you. I-I do care for you, >but I'm not ready to call you sister. Lover will have >to suffice." AYEKA(staring blankly at the screen, shaking her head): . . . . . . . . . PRISS(to Ayeka): You must be pissed that this fic has you two doing this stuff. AYEKA: Actually, I do not mind this so much, so long as it has Lord Tenchi along with us. OTHERS(large sweatdrops on the backs of their heads): Huh? AYEKA(realizes what she just said): Oops . . . >With that, she cupped one breast >completely and let the other fill her mouth. Ayeka >was right, they were the perfect size, completely >fitting inside her mouth as she suckled with a >ferocity that matched her counterparts movements >toward Tenchi. PETER(Ayeka): Not that hard, you fool! You will make them go flat!! (Ayeka, Priss, and even Ranma all shudder at that remark, and glare at Peter.) >Finally, Ryoko broke the oral >embrace, and let the boy gather huge gasps of air, >trying to refill lungs that had long since reached >empty. PRISS: Fortunately, the lack of oxygen only killed off half of his brain cells. RANMA: It wasn’t like he was using them anyway. AYEKA(angrily): FORTY LASHES!!! (Starts whipping Ranma and Priss.) *CRACK!* *LASH!* *SMACK!* *POW!* *SLASH!* *KERSMACK!* *WACK!* *WHAM!* *SNAP!* *KLACK!* *CRACK!* *LASH!* *SMACK!* *POW!* *SLASH!* *KERSMACK!* *WACK!* *WHAM!* *SNAP!* *KLACK!* *CRACK!* *LASH!* *SMACK!* *POW!* *SLASH!* *KERSMACK!* *WACK!* *WHAM!* *SNAP!* *KLACK!* *CRACK!* *LASH!* *SMACK!* *POW!* *SLASH!* *KERSMACK!* *WACK!* *WHAM!* *SNAP!* *KLACK!* *CRACK!* *LASH!* *SMACK!* *POW!* *SLASH!* *KERSMACK!* *WACK!* *WHAM!* *SNAP!* *KLACK!* *CRACK!* *LASH!* *SMACK!* *POW!* *SLASH!* *KERSMACK!* *WACK!* *WHAM!* *SNAP!* *KLACK!* *CRACK!* *LASH!* *SMACK!* *POW!* *SLASH!* *KERSMACK!* *WACK!* *WHAM!* *SNAP!* *KLACK!* *CRACK!* *LASH!* *SMACK!* *POW!* *SLASH!* *KERSMACK!* *WACK!* *WHAM!* *SNAP!* *KLACK!* PRISS & RANMA(being whipped): OW! OWWIE! OUCHIES! YEOW! PETER(tries to scoot away from the rest of the group): I didn’t say anything, I didn’t do anything, I didn’t say anything, I didn’t do anything . . . >She smiled motherly at him as he looked at >her with confused eyes, (Ayeka stops whipping Priss and Ranma, and sits back down in her seat. Priss and Ranma painfully re-sit themselves into their seats.) >a million questions, all >being answered by a single kiss. PETER: Well, all except “Where have all the cookies gone?” and “Where is Captain Crunch?”. (The other group members stare at Peter, nervously.) What? >Well, if his eye's >were clueless, other parts of the boy knew quite >well what was happening, and puberty marshaled >it's efforts for the battle at hand. (Ranma makes the sound of a bugle sounding for battle.) PETER & RANMA(hormones): CHARGE!!! AYEKA & PRISS( Betty Rubble and Wilma Flintstone): -IT!!! (Peter and Ranma both stare nervously at Ayeka and Priss, who just smile like nothing happened.) >The wayward tip >brushed against the young girl as it made it's way up. RANMA: And his nose started bleeding. >Smiling, she let her body go intangible again, >giving it all the room it needed to reach maximum >potential. PETER(NASA astronaut): This the lower body to brain, lower body to brain. We’re ready for blast off. Over. AYEKA(NASA control): Lower body, this is the brain. You are NOT cleared for go. Scrub this mission, and aim for target purple. Over. PETER(NASA astronaut): Brain, this is lower body. Screw you. AYEKA(very quietly to herself): I wish. PETER(continuing): We’re going through with this mission. Over and out. >Then, after one more smoldering stare in >the young man's eyes, freezing him faster then any >headlights could, she levitated slightly, wrapped >both lower limbs around his backside, locking them >into position with her feet, and then she let herself >slide down. Tenchi swallowed hard, closed his >eyes, and felt... nothing. RANMA(Ryoko): Damn it! I missed. Hold on, let me try again! >Granted, the actual feel of >Ryoko wrapped around his body, skin touching in a >glomp he had known so well, but never like this, >was beyond his wildest dreams. But down below, >he knew something was amiss. PRISS(Tenchi): IT’S GONE!! PETER & RANMA(crossing their legs): PRISS!!! >He looked to his >companion questioningly, only to find her own eyes >shut, seemingly lost in concentration. AYEKA(Ryoko as Shinji): I mustn’t run away . . . I mustn’t run away . . . (Slaps herself.) *SLAP NOISE!* Peter, have I told you yet how happy I am that you forced all of us to watch “Neon Genesis Evangelion”? PETER: Um . . . No Ayeka, I don’t think you have. AYEKA: Good. >Then, slowly, >gradually, he felt her walls closing in on him, RANMA(Tenchi, panicky): The walls! They’re closing in on me!! AUUGH!!! >a silken palace that seemed to quiver by his very >touch. Ryoko was no fool, she knew her strength >could turn her lower body into a guillotine of sorts. PETER & RANMA(flinching): ACK! >A sexual orgasm ending in the world's single most >overzealous circumcision. (Peter and Ranma both double over in sympathy pain. Ayeka tries not to throw up, but takes out a vomit bag anyway.) PRISS: Man, what a Bobbit rip off. AYEKA(throwing up): *BLEAAAAARGH!!!* >It took every bit of her >will and concentration to gradually cup and hold >his member, rather then biting and swallowing. PETER: Priss! PRISS(to Peter): What? PETER(to Priss): If you even mouth anything that sounds like “Snap it to a Slim Jim” I’ll make you wish it was just Ayeka whipping you!!! PRISS(large sweatdrop on the back of her head): . . . . . . . . . >She was rewarded as he enlarged again, and began >to take the lead in their dance, filling, removing, >giving, taking, RANMA: punching, kicking, AYEKA(deadpan): twisting, shouting, PRISS: rip-roaring, gut spewing, bone breaking, PETER: passion satisfying, ground shaking, glass breaking, >again and again. >Washu barely pushed her abort switch in time. AYEKA: Unfortunately, she was not able to stop the scene from abruptly changing. >Exactly one >nanogram of omni-matter had been required for the >experiment. RANMA: And just what was she doing tonight? PETER(Brain): The same thing she does every night, Pinky. PETER, PRISS, & RANMA: Try to take over the world!!! AYEKA: I still have not been able to find that show, you are referring to. PETER(to Ayeka): It’s been moved to “The Big Cartooney Show”. AYEKA: Ah . . . >The one full gram she had dumped in >instead had been enough to eradicate your average >star system. Still, the explosion had been consigned >to subspace, RANMA: Man, the land lady’s going to be mad about that. PETER(land lady, pounding on a door): *wham!* *wham!* *wham!* Are you making a mess down there!?! AYEKA(Washu): No. PETER(land lady): Are you adding omni-matter to something!?! PRISS(Washu): No! >and the greatest scientific genius in the >universe had all the time in the world to beat the >ever-loving hell out of the one who had caused the >mistake. ALL: But what about Washu? *BA-DA-BUMP!* >But this time, there was no blonde haired, >melodic voice to skirt the very edges of the red >head's sanity. No, this was problems from a >different source, something from within. PETER(Washu): Damn. I thought those eggs looked a little undercooked this morning. OTHERS: EEW! >Another spasm shook her miniature frame. PRISS(Washu as Captain Kerk): Must . . . get . . . to . . . sedative! . . . Why . . . must . . . Spock . . . die?!? >From the feel of >things, the source was about eight inches within. PETER, PRISS, & RANMA: EIGHT inches!?! AYEKA: Yes. Is there a problem with that? RANMA: Not to make you angry or nothing, but either being as small as Washu makes things seem BIGGER . . . PETER: Or Ryoko’s putting more Tenchi into herself then she really should! >Slowly, she made her way to a lounge chair that >appeared from nowhere. PRISS(German accent): How, conveeenient . . . >That was it, from now on, >no more hormones for that young lady, she was >sexually grounded! AYEKA(sarcastic): Like YOU are such a good role model. >Inside, her body quaked and >shivered at another thrust. Okay, she'd at least wait >until the girl was finished, no use spoiling the >Kodak moment, the kind you don't dare take to >those one hour developing places. PETER: Because in those places, the workers keep the good ones for themselves. OTHERS: PETER!!! PETER: Sorry. >Idly, she outlined >her form with one of her fingers, following the >curve of her inner thigh to her... PRISS: And around this time, Mihoshi walks in. >"Washu! Can you >come over here? We need you." The voice caused >synapse to go snap, crackle and pop RANMA: as milk poured over it. >and the crab >haired one sat up in fury. "How many times have I >told you not to come in here unless it's to inform >me of your painful demise?" PRISS(Mihoshi): Well, I’ve attached a bomb to my body, and I thought I’d come in here, and tell you before I set it off! *KA-BOOM!!!!* PETER: Priss, stick with singing as a profession. Comedy isn’t your strong suit. PRISS: Shut up. I thought it was funny. AYEKA & RANMA(to Priss): You would. >Mihoshi placed a >questioning finger to her lips and thought hard. PETER(Mihoshi): Ummmm, I don’t know . . . How many? >"Ummmm, I dunno... how many?" AYEKA(to Peter): Really? I think you just made a lucky guess. PETER: I’m a psychic!!! (The other group members start snickering.) . . . . . What the hey? >Washu was about to answer RANMA(Washu): One thousand, three hundred, and fifty two times!!! >when a smaller body collided with her. PETER(Happosai): Sweeto! PRISS: Oh please! That’s all we need! A cross over with THAT! AYEKA: Peter, for the sake of all that is good, please do not do that ever again. RANMA: Besides, he wouldn’t go for her anyway. She’s too flat for his tastes. (Shimmering light surrounds Ranma.) Wait! AUUUGH!!! (Transforms into a kappa.) PETER(pulling out the transformation computer from under his seat): B-ko! B-KO(from the control booth): Already taken care of. (Washu can be heard from somewhere far away.) WASHU(voice only): AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! B-KO: I sent “Blue”, “Achey Breaky Heart”, and “Mmm Bop!” all through her head phones at once. AYEKA & PRISS(wincing): Ouch. WASHU(voice only): PLEASE, GOD, MAKE IT STOP!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!! B-KO: She won’t be bothering you for quite awhile. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m downloading a MPEG file. (Goes back into the control booth.) RANMA/KAPPA: Ribbit! Ribbit! PETER(typing into the computer): Okay, okay! I’m working on it! Keep your shell on! (Finishes typing, and Ranma transforms from a kappa, into . . . a Pokemon.) RANMA/TOGEPI(outraged): Toge!!! PETER: OOPS!! Sorry Ranma. (Starts typing again.) This thing’s still buggy, after Ksa tricked Xelloss into putting that viral program in here. AYEKA: We should do something to get even with him. PETER(still typing): I already did. PRISS: Really? What? PETER(still typing, and occasionally moving the track ball like he knows what he’s doing): Just a packet of a certain INSTANT Jousenkyo spring, a spray trap, a box, and a lot of tinsel with a colorful card attached. He should be receiving it oh . . . (Checks the date on his watch.) Right about now. ======================================================= Meanwhile, aboard the ‘Turtle-craft’ of Ksa and the MSTers . . . Ksawarrior walked into his room, and noticed a shiny package laying on his desk, labeled with a card marked “A Gift To You”. “A present for me?” said Ksawarrior. “Hey, it’s not my birthday. Maybe this is a childish attempt by Peter and his friends, for when I tricked Xelloss into putting that viral program into their computer . . . Nah! They’re not the types to go through all of this for petty revenge. Besides, that was so long ago, they’ve probably forgotten about it.” Ksawarrior opens the box, and it sprays water all over him. *SPLOOOOOOOSH!!!* The box fumbles to the ground, and Ksawarrior wobbles a bit, his vision changed slightly. He could see crystal clear, but everything looked like he was looking through a giant magnifying glass. He also noticed that he only had one leg now, which forced him to focus on keeping his balance even more. He turned toward his mirror, and looked at his reflection. A giant yellow eyeball, with an expressive mouth, and one yellow leg. He quickly looked at the box, and noticed an open packet that fell out of it, along with the spray trap. He used his now gigantic tongue to flip the packet over, and read the English translation on the label out loud. “Instant Spring Of Drowned Suezo. Very tragic tale of yellow Suezo that- HEY!!” Around this time, Wasabi, Ksawarrior’s friend, opened the door to Ksawarrior’s room. “Hey, Ksa.” Said Wasabi. “The next fic is starting . . . Oh cool!! A Pokemon!!!” “Huh?” said Ksawarrior/Suezo as he realized who Wasabi was referring to. “No! Wait!! Wasabi, it’s me!! Ksa!!” “Wow!! It even sounds like it’s saying real words!!!” Wasabi pulled a Pokeball out of his belt, and pressed the button. “Raichu, I choose you!!” “RAICHU!!!” shouted Raichu, as it came out of the Pokeball. “Raichu, Thunderbolt attack!!” shouted Wasabi. *KA-ZAAAAAAAAPO!!!* “AUUUGH!!!!!!!” shouted Ksawarrior. ======================================================= PETER(finishes typing, and turns Ranma back to normal): There Ranma. You okay now? RANMA(unhappy): Get ALL of the bugs out, next time. PETER(putting the computer back under his seat): Yeah, yeah. I’ll do that later. PRISS: Hey, the fic’s restarting. >She looked down to see Sasami, tears >streaming her eyes. AYEKA: Oh no . No, no, no, no, no! Please do NOT let this become a lemon scene! PLEASE!!! PETER(restraining himself): Must . . . not . . . make . . . comment . . . of . . . Sasami . . . feeling . . . left . . . out! . . . Not . . . the . . . Klingons . . . again! >"Washu, something's wrong >with Ryo-Ohkie, I think she's sick." After letting >another spasm take it's course, she looked down at >the offered animal. It meowed in a most peculiarly >satisfied manner, and it's eyes closed as if waiting >for something. PRISS: The end to this fic. RANMA: You might be right about that. >Washu sighed, "There's nothing >wrong with her that a cigarette won't fix, just hand >her to me. She'll be all right." "Cabbits smoke?" PRISS: If you light them on fire, they smoke a lot. OTHERS: PRISS!!! PRISS: No animal cruelty jokes, I know, sorry. >Mihoshi asked quistivily, picturing a more >humanoid Ryo-Ohkie, in a tux with dark glasses >and a cigarette in her mouth. "Depends on the >friction ratio," Washu sighed, picking the >sometimes battleship up and walking toward the >sofa. RANMA: But wasn’t it just a lounge chair before? >She almost got there before the another flash >of raw pleasure put her on her knees PETER(Washu): I pray for a quick ending to this fic! >and Ryo-Ohkie squirming. >Suddenly, AYEKA: the scene changed! >Ryoko two pushed >Ayeka back to back with Tenchi. "I think that's >enough data gathering. Size, texture, yep, all the >dimensions should be in proportion." PETER(thought megaphone): WARNING!!!!!!! WARNING!!!!!!! WASHU IS TRYING TO INFLUENCE THE SEXUAL ACTIVITY!!!!!!! WARNING!!!!!!! >The young >noble looked at her like she was insane, not >understanding anything. "Wha-what are you >babbling about, let him go." RANMA: What about letting Ayeka go? AYEKA(to Ranma): Shut up. >she squeaked, PRISS(Ayeka as the Tin Woodsman): Oil . . . can . . . Oil . . . can . . . PETER: Quick! Someone get the lubricant!! PRISS(hand over face): I walked right into that one. >something about the way Ryoko was approaching >her stealing all the strength in her voice. "To be a >part of him, I have to be a part of you, therefore, >we've gotta learn to connect. Luckily, I can change >my form a bit, and I've got all the research I need >done." Ayeka's eyes squinted in confusion, until her >peripherals caught something from below. AYEKA: Oh how cute! All of the shape, and only half the size! (The other group members stare nervously at her.) I feel it, okay! >The growth from Ryoko was everything she said it was. PRISS: And even better, it wasn’t cut off and inside the other Ryoko’s- (The other group members mallet her.) *WHAM!* *WHAM!* *WHAM!* >Size, shape and feel. RANMA(narrator): It even had a mini Tenchi attached to it. >Frantically, she grabbed >backwards, reaching out for Tenchi's hand. When >she turned her face back to in front of her, the >demons face was inches from her own. "I won't >force it if you don't want it. Tenchi told me with his >body, but you need only speak it with you mouth. >Do you want to be whole... or hole?" PETER: Ayeka, Ryoko, and Tenchi in “The Whole Five Inches”. AYEKA: I thought the title of the movie was “The Whole Nine Yards”? PETER: Not here, it isn’t. >Ayeka was >stunned, Ryoko's breath warming her face, her >slitted eyes boring into her own. RANMA: Who’s eyes? >Suddenly, she >grabbed Tenchi's hand and was rewarded with a >squeeze. PETER(bike horn): *HONK!* (Priss manages to pull herself back up to her seat.) >Gathering power from the grasp, she >nodded slowly. >Washu sat as still as she was able, PRISS: what with the scene changing, and all. >idly petting her Cabbit and trying to ignore >Mihosh's incessant prattle over what was wrong, >and was she sick? Apparently the ditz had some >great cold medicine. AYEKA: Shameless copy of topic, brought to you by the Tenchi Muyo original animated video collection. >The scientist sniffed, so THAT >explains it. RANMA: Explains what? >Suddenly, her body arched fully with a >whole new sensation, Ryo-Ohkie did likewise and >they both shuddered as the new form of pleasure >worked it's way through their bodies. ALL(singing): Good, good, good! Good vibrations! . . . >Scanning Ryoko's mind for a full update, she got the whole >picture. PETER: Or the ‘hole’ picture. >So, that's what's happening, hmmmm, not >a bad idea actually. Maybe her daughter had >inherited more then looks after all. AYEKA: I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but she only inherited your hair style and libido. >Only Mihoshi's >cry alerted her to Sasami's plight. The young girl >had her eyes closed, and feel to the ground, >unconscious. PRISS(punk rocker): Can you feel it!?!?!?! OTHERS: No. >The pair were at her side in a flash, >Washu feeling the girls head PETER: and other things. (Ayeka’s shield units surround Peter.) *ZAAAKAZAAAKAZAAAKA!!!* . . . Now THAT I had cumming *ZAP!!!* I mean coming. >. "She's fine," spoke a >voice of life and power, less human and more of >wind rustling through a dark and quiet forest (Priss and Ranma stand up, and face each other.) RANMA: Less human! PRISS: More wind! AYEKA: Sit down! PETER(through megaphone): SHUT UP!!!!!!! (Priss and Ranma both sit back down, and grumble.) >. "I just wasn't able to block it all from her. AYEKA(Tsunami {Oh who else COULD it possibly be!?}): She took one look at what Ryoko was doing, and fainted. >Tenchi was >relatively easy, his physiology is a bit different, but >Ayeka... I'm afraid were just all a wee bit too >connect... oh my." RANMA(Tsunami): I’m talking like Kasumi! PETER(ditto): And I forgot to put an apostrophe in the middle of “were”! >Washu couldn't agree more, as >she slumped down in her seat. Tsunami gripped an >armrest for support. "No, I mean, I can't hold it >back, PETER(Tsunami): I really gotta go! >both the giving and the taking PRISS(Tsunami): the ripping and the tearing! OTHERS: PRISS!!! >. I'm afraid >I'm-I'm broadcasting it RANMA(Tsunami): And that I’m-I’m stuttering! AYEKA(radio announcer): You are listening to KTSU; all lemon, all the time. >." Outside, trees shook were >there was no wind, the grass danced about in time >to the steady life rhythm and blossoms bloomed >without a spring PETER: or a wire. >. The scientist called up her >dimensional computer and made some readings. PRISS(AOL voice): You’ve got mail! AYEKA(ditto): -pattern baldness. (Everyone momentarily stares nervously at Ayeka, but she does not say anything.) >It was as if the entire ecosystem had gotten high of >life, or the Goddess there off. RANMA: Earth Day will never be the same, again. >No sentient creatures >were affected, just plants and living creatures >without large brain capacities. PETER: Finally, the truth of the cum stained dress, is revealed. AYEKA(to Peter): I am quite sure that if we knew what you were talking about, we would hurt you. PETER: I know. >Washu turned to see Mihoshi RANMA(narrator): She felt a stirring. >shudder as the wave hit her, and nodded AYEKA: off to sleep. PRISS: I thought only guys did that. PETER & RANMA: HEY!! >to herself, correct as always. PETER: Correct as usual, King Friday. >Even more so, the wave >was expanding, it had already circled the planet, >and was making it's way throughout the system. >Like a tidal wave of an orgasmic flow. RANMA: Uh-oh! PRISS: I spy with my little eye- AYEKA: -an incoming Tsunami pun! PETER: This looks like a job for- OTHERS(deadpan): Superman? PETER: No. (Pulls out megaphone.) Mr. Bullhorn!!! (Through megaphone.) THIS IS A TSUNAMI PUN ALERT!!!!!!! I REPEAT, A TSUNAMI PUN ALERT!!!!!!! THIS IS NOT A TEST!!!!!!! THIS IS A TSUNAMI PUN ALERT!!!!!!! >Well, it was >caused by a Tsunami at least. ALL: WAH-Wah-waaaaaaaa . . . . . . . AYEKA(announcer): We now return you to your regularly scheduled lemon, already in progress. >Then the wave struck >her again, RANMA: capsizing her. PETER: Surfs up! >doubling in intensity, and opening a part >of her that had been submerged millenium ago. PETER: Her ‘Trumpy’. (Ayeka’s shield units surround him again.) *ZAAAKAZAAAKAZAAAKA!!!* . . . . Ow. >Washu crackled in yellow energy, floating atop a >wave of raw power, she grew. PRISS(Rita Repulsa): Magic!! Make my monster, GROW!!! >When she came to >rest, the full blown AYEKA(monotone): Ha-ha. Another bad pun. >Goddess looked about quistivily. RANMA(Washu): Where am I? What am I doing here? What the heck am I sitting in? Is it a chair, or a sofa? >She grabbed at her new breasts, PETER: and accidentally ruptured her implants. OTHERS(including Ranma): PETER!!! PETER: Why should I let Priss have all the fun. Sorry Ranma. RANMA: Shut up. >still as firm as she >had remembered them. But it was her mind that >was truly different, ALL: She’s possessed!!! >suddenly she was connected to >every star, every planet, every bit of matter and >energy in the entire universe AYEKA: She sees all, she knows all! RANMA: She controls the horizontal! She controls the vertical! PRISS: She knows who you are, and she saw what you did! PETER: She can even ascertain the answer, having never before seen the question! >... and she was still >plugged into the menage a trois. RANMA: Wouldn’t that be “menage a cuadras”, since Ryoko split in two? >Powered by the >two Goddesses, the galaxy began to quake and roll >with each stroke. PETER(rocker): Rock and roll, dudes! ALL: Wooooo!! >A pumping, thumping base line >that tuned itself into the entire universe. Suns >twinkled to it, humans and aliens quivered and >shook with it, and mitochondria sang with the >secret life song of all existence. PRISS: While all over the world, people crashed their cars, politicians were impeached, guns were fired uncontrollably . . . (Notices the other group members glaring at her.) Oh, sorry. I got a little carried away. >Elsewhere, a >goddess not on the same reality as any before her >turned to an ethereal man and smashed him with a >mallet. RANMA(goddess as Akane): PERVERT!!! >"Dirty old man." RANMA: Close enough. >"Lady Tokimi?" PETER(Garth from “Wayne’s World”): No way! OTHERS(Wayne from “Wayne’s World”): Way! >With all >three connected, the universal probing and AYEKA(Miss Swan): No say “probe”. >receiving dripped into other worlds, other >dimensions. PETER: Oh no! They’re sending the feelings into an alternate dimension! ALL(sarcastically): GASP! >Fic writers, PETER: Uh, nope. Not getting anything. >Cursed Martial artists, RANMA: Not here either. >Pocket dimensions with funky names, PRISS: I don’t think so. >politicians, AYEKA: Well that one is a possibility. >demon gods and overfiends, PRISS: Oh, I hope not. >alternative universes and animayhem decks, PETER: “Animayhem” should be capitalized. >all thrumming and pumping in time. PETER(Jamaican accent): Feel the rhythm! PRISS(ditto): Feel the rhyme! RANMA(ditto): Come on now! It’s- AYEKA(interrupting): Never mind!! >Everything was connected. PETER(Lain): We are all connected . . . . (Realizing what he just said.) D’oh! I have got to stop thinking about that series. >Life and Death, beginings and endings RANMA: stuffing and potatoes. >... The Multiverse came PRISS, RANMA & PETER(Jesse, James, and Meowth): LOOKS LIKE TEAM ROCKET IS BLASING OFF AGAIN!!!!!!! (All three of them break off into hysterical laughter.) AYEKA(shaking her head): You people really make me sick, sometimes. >... almost as one.... "Ummm, sorry >guys." Tenchi apologizzed AYEKA: for spelling “apologized” wrong. PRISS: Maybe the extra ‘z’ was for when he fell asleep afterwards. (Whipped by Ayeka.) *KRA-SNAP!!* OW! >. The End! ALL(cheering): YAAAAAAAY!!!! (The MST group then exits the theater.) ======================================================= Cut to the lounge, where Ayeka, B-ko, Priss, and Ranma are setting up some crayon colored charts on an art stand. Peter walks in, with an open can of soda in hand. “Well, what’s going on here?” asked Peter. “Oh, hi Peter.” Said Ayeka. “You know the lemon scene in the story we just watched?” “Oh yeah, I remember.” Says Peter. “It was like there was a great disturbance in the force.” “Uh-huh.” Said Ranma. “Well-” “Like there were a million voices crying out at once,” “Yes Peter, we know.” Said B-ko. “and wouldn’t shut up.” “Uh, Peter . . .” said Priss. “They just kept shouting ‘ I’m coming!’ over and over again.” “PETER!!!” shouts Ayeka, B-ko, Priss, and Ranma. “What?” asked Peter. “Anyway,” said Ayeka. “We realized that with everything going on, the story was a little confusing.” “So B-ko helped us draw up some charts, to help explain what happened, to anyone confused by the fic.” Said Ranma. “Okay.” Said Peter. “How about I see what you’ve all come up with?” “Good.” Said B-ko. “We were going to do that anyway. Priss, if you’ll help with the charts.” “Yeah, yeah.” Grumbles Priss, as she readies the first chart. The first chart depicts a stick figure with short black hair, handing a square to a stick figure with long purple hair. “This chart shows Lord Tenchi coming up to give me the package, from my mother.” Said Ayeka. The next chart shows the square, with the top opened, the purple hared stick figure waving around a curved line, while the black hared stick figure sits on the ground, tied up, crying, and apparently wetting itself. “And this one shows where Ayeka starts whipping Tenchi.” Said B-ko. The next chart shows a nearly exact duplicate of the previous chart, but with a pair of breasts with arms, legs, and spiky cyan hair off to the right. “Here’s where Ryoko enters in . . .” said Ranma. The next chart shows the spiky hared breasts taking away the curved line from the purple hared stick figure. “And decides she wants to play too.” Finishes Ranma. The next chart shows two spiky hared breasts, one going for the purple hared stick figure, the other going for the black hared stick figure. The square and curved line are nowhere to be seen. Instead, there is a small scribble of color off to the right that has a line protruding from it, and the words “Ryoko’s clothes” written on the extended end of the line. “Here is where Ryoko splits in two, and goes for both Tenchi, and Ayeka.” Said Priss. The next chart has all the stick figures shown smaller than before. Both the black hared stick figure and the purple hared stick figure had cyan hared breasts on top of them. There were dark lines that started at each of the cyan hared breasts, and stretched to a stick figure with spiky red hair, holding a brown thing in its arms. Next to the red hared stick figure holding the brown thing, is a smaller stick figure with blue hair in the shape of rabbit ears, and a taller stick figure with yellow hair. Upon closer inspection, it is seen that there are penciled in lines from the cyan hared breasts to the brown thing, as well. “Now here is where things start getting complicated.” Said Ayeka. “Here, Miss Ryoko’s mental connection to her mother and Ryo-oh-ki, have caused them to start feeling what Miss Ryoko is feeling. Sasami and Mihoshi brought Ryo-oh-ki to Miss Washu, because they thought Ryo-oh-ki was coming down with a sudden ailment.” The next chart shows the exact same thing for the black hared stick figure, the purple hared stick figure, and the cyan hared pairs of breasts, and the lines leading from them. However, the red hared stick figure holding the brown thing has leaped out of a chair that has appeared out of nowhere, to the side of the blue hared rabbit headed stick figure, who has been drawn sideways. There is a trail of dots leading from the purple hared stick figure to the blue hared rabbit headed stick figure’s head. The chair has a penciled line sticking from it, labeled “Chair/Sofa?”, and the yellow hared stick figure is in the exact same place. B-ko spoke up. “Here, Ayeka’s supposed connection to Sasami has caused Sasami to faint from sheer horror . . .” The next chart is a color Xerox copy of the previous one, except there is now a blue hared stick figure in a white dress drawn over the sideways blue hared rabbit headed stick figure. There is also a trail of dots between the two blue hared stick figures. “And here, Sasami’s connection with Tsunami causes Tsunami to appear.” Said Ranma. The next chart is exactly the same as the previous chart, except in the upper right corner a brown hared stick figure with a yellow triangle body is hitting a large round thing with a square on a stick. Two dotted lines lead from the brown hared stick figure, to the blue hared stick figure, and the red hared stick figure, holding a brown thing. “And the connection Tsunami and Washu had with Tokimi, causes her to somehow feel what they’re feeling, and blame D3 for it.” Said Priss. The next chart is a mess of scribbled lines, scratch marks, erased pencil lines, and spilled tempera paint. No stick figures can be seen. “And here is where the three ‘goddesses’ start connecting with everything else.” Said B-ko. “Wait a minute . . . Hey! This one’s upside down!” B-ko and Priss quickly turn the chart rightside up, and it does not look any different. “There, that’s better. Well Peter, what do you think?” “The story made sense an hour ago!!” sobbed Peter. Suddenly, the signal to start, blared. *I AM _NOT_ SELLING CRACK FROM MY CUBICLE!!!* “FAN FIC SIGN!!!” The MST group and B-ko screamed, and they ran into the theater. A moment passed, and B-ko ran out of the theater, and into the control booth. ======================================================= (Over the dried vomit, and through the isles, to their seats the MST group goes!) ALL(sitting down in their usual seats): LET’S ROCK!!! >Standard Disclaimer: PRISS(author): I don’t own this, but I’m humiliating it anyway by making this fic. >Tenchi Muyo and company >belong to it's original creators, all ten thousand of >them. I do this not to profit but to share the >wonderful time I've had with their creations. RANMA: So, in other words, like Priss said. >OtakuNXS Presents... >A Mad Bad Bishonen Lad Production... PETER: Jerry Louis is . . . RANMA: The incredible Mr. Limpet, as . . . PRISS: Arnold Schwarzenegger, as . . . AYEKA: The great and powerful Lord Tenchi Masaki (The other group members stare at Ayeka nervously, but do not say anything.), in . . . >TENCHI! Master of His Domain! RANMA: Since when? PETER: And we’ve got number five warning signal, now. PRISS: I have the distinct feeling that this will be a number two, by the time this is done. AYEKA: Just so long as I end up with him in the end, I will be happy. >The morning dawned, rays of sunshine illuminating the >world, banishing the all concealing cloak of night. >It was like a massive flashlight into the fogged >driver's side window of the Earth. As the darkness >was pierced, you could almost hear it say... PETER(darkness): Don’t get yer hopes up folks. The poetry is just there to cover up the plot. >"Hey, >what's all this then? Hmmm? AYEKA: Wasted time. >Canadian on a horse? >With protection yet? ALL: . . . . . PETER: Well, at least they’re using protection. >Don't know anything about >that, but it's time to wake up and be respectable >again. RANMA: Parrot King, you better be listening to this!!! >Now find your underwe... no, YOUR >underwear, can't go to a meeting feeling THAT >comfortable. PRISS(sarcastically): Gee, I almost wish I knew what he was talking about. >Get those sleepies out of your eyes, AYEKA: What do giant waddling mushrooms have to do with this story? PETER(to the audience): Bonus points for whoever figures that one out. >and you there! Yeah, the guy who mixed vodka and >Nestle Quik, strawberry flavor... (The MST group looks left and right for whoever the narrator is talking to.) >you ate those little >pieces of leftover candy, didn't you? PETER: Nope. AYEKA: No. PRISS: Wasn’t me. RANMA: Me neither. >Ooooooh, what >I'm going to do to you..." PETER: The worst you can do to us, is force us to read “Tenchi on a Plate of Sashimi” again, so . . . >Tenchi mumbled >something along the lines of "Why no drinking, I >haven't been occifer..." and PRISS(Tenchi): “I'm as jober as a sudge.” >rolled over in the bed, >snuggling deep within its confines, hiding from the >harsh realism of the sun. Well, it had been his >intention. For you see, somebody was already up. >Somebody had been waiting patiently for him for >some time and though this someone didn't mind >letting the boy sleep in, there was no way the young >man would be ignoring this particular someone, not >today. This someone was through with being >ignored, wasn't going to take it anymore, and if it >meant staying up all day and night... so be it. >Tenchi WAS going to pay attention. Somebody... >needed a hug. As he attempted his rolling >withdrawal, Tenchi came in painful contact with >that certain someone. "Owwwwww..." PETER(Tenchi as Krudd): Stupid table weg! (The other group members stare at him nervously.) I’ll tell you later. >the boy >grumped, slowly emerging from his own personal >cocoon of eye mucus and phantom images of nude >school attendance. RANMA(Tenchi): RYOKO!!! GIVE ME BACK MY CLOTHES!!! >Reaching down, fumbling >fingers catching hold of his tormentor, the young >man sighed. "Oh... it's you." Yawning, rubbing >green deposits of accumulated crud into his irises, AYEKA: And the accumulated crud that is this story. PETER: That’s a little harsh, Ayeka. It hasn’t been that bad so far. AYEKA: Unfortunately Peter, I do not share your optimistic view of the story. I have the distinct feeling that this will be, how you put it, “A long day”. >Tenchi allowed his Dreamland to fade, down to the >last rib, and acknowledged the IHOP that was the >morn. ALL(jumping around, and singing): I hop! You hop!! We all hop, for IHOP!!! >His other hand stayed in a defensive posture, >lest some inadvertent and unfortunate movement >congeal into something on the left side of agony. >"You" said nothing, "you" simply sat there, RANMA(Brooklyn accent): You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? >waiting >for a forceful embrace to melt into something >more... caress-like. Tenchi smiled, "Yeah, I know, >you're feeling neglected, but really, you gotta wait >for me okay? I can't have you doing this, being up >and about in the morning before I get up. What if >certain... someones found you? I'd never hear the >end of it, that's what. And in my situation, they >could be anywhere." PETER(Mihoshi, from down stairs): Hey Tenchi! What are you, and “You” doing up there!? >"You" made no comment, >simply waiting. PRISS(Sarcastic): Oh the suspense. >There was no way this was going to >end with anything other then a snuggle and a >cuddle, and Tenchi was the only one who >understood, the only one who could do it right. >Standing firm, the young man would find that his >morning companion would be sticking around until >there was some right way rubbing to be had and the >boy had asserted himself as master of his domain as >was more than his right. PETER: Okay! Stop! Hold the fic! It’s either Ryoko, or his penis! I think we got the point! >Being a male, it was in >fact, his DUTY RANMA: to be all that you can be. >. Tenchi sighed, rolling back over, >and relaxed his defensive grip into a kinder, >gentler, grope. "All right, I know what you want... I >guess there won't be any peace in this house till you >get it. So... where to begin." Where it always >begins, Tenchi thought, with the fantasizing of >other women. AYEKA(not amused): . . . . . OTHERS(deadpan): Ha-ha-ha. >Of course, he should keep his mind >strictly on the goal a head, but he wouldn't really be >able to perform and that would just make >everything worse. PETER: Red alert! Red alert! The writer is getting confused by his own writing! >It almost felt like, betrayal, to be >thinking of others when your focus should be >completely on your partner. RANMA: I hope it’s Ryoko, because if he’s trying to be turned on by his own stuff . . . >Still, he knew, deep >inside, that it just wouldn't work. He shared the bed >with a loved one, someone that understood him in >ways the other girls couldn't possibly fathom. AYEKA: It would appear that the author forgot to have stuff happen in this story. >This understanding was perfection in itself, when one >was aroused, so was the other, when one was >mortified by the sight of Amagasaki in a speedo >awhile back, (Peter doubles over, and throws up.) PETER: *BLEAAAAAARGH!!!* RANMA: Who’s Amagasaki? PETER(wiping his face): You remember that clown nosed, big liped guy that had a bit part in the first episode of the Tenchi OAV series, as Tenchi’s class mate? THAT’S Amagasaki. AYEKA, PRISS, & RANMA(throwing up): *BLEAAAAAARGH!!!* PETER: That’s what I said. >the other had crawled away, >threatening to never return. But when all was said >and done, it was his own personal master key so to >speak, and there's only so far self love can go. ALL: . . . . . . . . . . . . PETER: Ah-ha. So I was right. RANMA: I think I’m going to be sick. PRISS: Well, before you love others, they say you should love yourself. AYEKA: Well . . . At least it is not Washu or Sasami. >Tenchi was holding the stick shift on the auto >erotic race track, the green light flashing, the flag >most certainly up... PETER: I’m not touching that line, with a ten foot “Pole-Position”. (Video game humor -- Peter Suzuki.) >and he was bound and >determined, to go the distance... It's odd, when >every other limb seems to be done with us, falling >asleep at the most inopportune time, like right >before you trip over your date's prom dress, this one >little attachment actually seems to enjoy its >wakefulness. PETER & RANMA: Darn straight! >Some guys have even tried to set their >alarm clock, earlier and earlier, to catch it >unawares, but always, there it would be. PETER: I just stopped worrying about it. RANMA: I ignore mine. >A grinning, hopeful Nick Adams, wondering if with >the rest of the body awake, it might get some... PRISS(Alice from “Dilbert”): Must . . . control . . . fist . . . of . . . death!!! >attention. Feet and hands couldn't stay awake to >save their digits, but there would always be a little >someone, ready to have a brisk jog and a well >meaning massage before you had even figured out >whose nighty you were wearing and why your >boxers suddenly felt so silky and yummy. RANMA: . . . . . . . >Grunting with the early morning effort, Tenchi went to work >with fumbled mental images of this girl wearing >this outfit doing this with that and that with this >and placing it all in over to the left and spanking >this cheek and forgoing the cheese whiz as that was >just silly, to say nothing of unsanitary. AYEKA(writing down something): Leave out the cheese whiz . . . >As the blood >rushed in a frantic torrent from his sexually >oppressed brain, to PETER, PRISS & RANMA: his nose! AYEKA(to the others): Shut up. >the actual male thinking organ, PETER & RANMA: HEY! >he even found a smile working its way to his lips. >Not one of his better smiles, not much charm or >wit, nor cunning leer or impressive flash of whiter >than white molars. This was NOT a smile for >company. This was more of a self amused, half >wakeful, drooling little grin that spoke of >satisfaction to come. PRISS: DO SOMETHING, DAMNIT!!!!! >Generally, this face was >reserved for moments like this and those really big >meals where afterwards, you have to place a hand >in between your belly and pants to achieve >optimum comfort. AYEKA: I might actually enjoy this, if it were not so . . . so . . . PETER: Ratsa fracking boring? AYEKA: Yes, Peter. That sums it up, perfectly. >In his mind, the hastily created >amalgam of females seemed to be enjoying things >as well. PRISS(monotone): Whee. This is fun. >The fantasy girl was a patchwork affair of >pent up frustration and misplaced desire. RANMA(Al Gore): I’m talking cloning! I’m talking genetic engineering! I’m talking about coming up with the best dang thing since sliced bread! >Ryouko's sultry body, Mihoshi's ample bosom, Washu's kinky >nature, Aeka's... AYEKA(gesturing toward the screen): My . . . >Aeka's... AYEKA(gesturing toward the screen): My . . . OTHERS(also gesturing toward the screen): Her . . . >personality? PRISS: Actually, we were thinking more like “overall pinash”. >No, losing it... (Ayeka face faults.) >must focus... ummmm, Sasami's cooking? (That gets Ranma’s attention.) >NO! Going down in flames, pilot to copilot! Pilot to >copilot... have you ever seen your father naked? PETER(through megaphone): DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! DANGER!!! >ARRRGGHHH! PRISS(Stan): Oh my God! Tenchi killed himself! RANMA(Kyle): You bastard! (Hit by Ayeka) *WHAP!* OW! >And then, suddenly, everything >was all right again. AYEKA: You mean you are going to stop trying to disguise a weak plot, with irrelevant comparisons? >His skin gave a full body >shudder as his very being felt... PRISS(to the author): Look buster, I’m this close to pulling off the seat cushion in front of me, and using as a pillow as I’m bored to sleep, by this molasses-like fic you’ve put before us! DO SOMETHING!!!!! OTHERS: Yeah! What she said!!! >occupied. PETER(singing): Ribbit-ribbit! No longer can I hold it! Ribbit-ribbit! The last little toilet! I already sold it! In the rain or in the -URK! PRISS(holding Peter by his neck): How many times must we tell you? You can’t sing, so don’t! PETER(being choked): ACK! >It was like having each and every molecule being >unexpectedly the target of a feminine game of guess who. ALL(even Peter, who Priss drops back into his seat): Ryoko. >The sort where their hands were over your >eyes, but their fronts, that was all in the small of >your back, giving your spinal column a squishy >form of therapy that no chiropractor could match. PETER: In summary, Manos!; The Hands of Fate. >And then, the feeling was gone... gone but not >forgotten. Not only did it give new found fire to the >rage of internal hormonal imagination, but it had >put the zing back in ole cucumber, made the turkey, >perky so to speak. RANMA(turning green at the sight of Tenchi whacking the monkey): Don’t mention *URP!* food!! >He had gotten his second wind >and was ready to finish what he had started, with a >vengeance. Odd though, he also felt a bit more free, >less confined. As though he was lying nude in his >own bed, free of overshirt and briefs. AYEKA: Okay, Parrot Krock, or whatever your name is. We already know that Ryoko just phased through Tenchi, and stole his clothes. We get it. END!!!! >Come to think >of it, it was easier to get to his... pleasure centers... >when did he remove his underoos? PRISS: EEW! Don’t EVER mention Tenchi and underoos in the same sentence! >There was also >something tickling the back of his brain, which, >nearly entirely without the benefit of plasma, was >having a hard time getting a lock on it. Something >familiar about that whole body shiver, it was like... ALL(monotone): when Ryoko phased through you. >like when Ryouko phased through you. ALL(still monotone): No duh. >Ryouko? PETER: No, it’s female Sayan. OF COURSE IT’S RYOKO!!! >Tenchi focused clearly on the body materializing >over him as she came down with a plop onto his >chest. PRISS: And his lungs collapsed. (Ayeka reaches over Ranma, and slaps Priss on the back of her head.) *SMACK!* OW! >Her backside resting on his sternum, her >legs, pinning his arms between them, and her front >clearly focused on whatever interesting things there >were to focus on, opposite of his top half. She was >also wearing his T-shirt from that night. A >souvenir from her little trip, through the floor, up >the bed, and past every fiber of Tenchi's being. PETER: This fic is too boring for me to enjoy. AYEKA: I could say the same thing about watching Lord Tenchi, earlier. >"Sigh, I went in and out of my Tenchi and all I got >was this stinking shirt... give or take the >underpants," Ryouko harumphed. Then, she paused >to take in the situation. "Well now, seems someone >has been dreaming dreams and thinking... >thoughts." RANMA: Oh no! Not . . . (Sarcastic pause.) Thoughts! (Organ music sarcastically chords in the background.) *BA-BAAAAAAAAAM!!!* >"Ummm, Ryouko?" Bending over a bit >farther to get a better view of the miniature pup >tent, Tenchi's shirt rode up Ryouko's back, >revealing Astro Boy's smiling face on what had >been Tenchi's choice in nightwear. (Ranma starts laughing so hard, that he falls right out of his seat.) PRISS: OH GOOD GOD!!! (Priss runs over to the far end of the theater, and throws up.) PETER(shaking his head): That does it. I’m erasing the “Astro Boy” song from my play list, when I get back to the dorm. AYEKA: I fail to see what you all find so odd about it. I think they are cute. >Somehow, Tezuka's finest seemed to be looking even more >earnest and determined. (Ranma manages to pull himself back into his seat, just before Priss returns from her vomit venture.) >She filled out odd areas of >the fabric, while leaving others completely empty. >"Hmmm, only about half mast though, I should >hope at least. Guess it was a dream about Aeka, huh? AYEKA: HEY! >And my, just WHERE were your hands a >moment ago? I seem to have them trapped, but, in >such an... odd position." Tenchi wondered how she >was able to make everything she said come from so >far back in her throat. Okay, this wasn't good. ALL: We know. >Here he was, completely paralyzed in what could best be >described as the premium, grade A, high quality, >Penthouse super sexy sausage edition, fantasy come >true for every red blooded male of practically any >species or age category you could care to name. PETER: I think Parrot King is trying to go for the “Longest Sentence In History” award. >But, he was Tenchi... damnit! There was no one >that could hold him in the bonds of almost certain >gratification! He had gotten out of worse. "Ryouko, >please get off." PRISS: And immediately he kills of his one dramatic part. >"Not a problem," she smiled, hands >beginning to roam about, blankets being removed >from the bottom side, up. "Should this be a hands >on sort of thing, kiss to awaken the sleeping prince, >or simply the hell with it all and go right to the >unrestrained exploration of one another's internal >organs?" AYEKA: Can we just cut the rest of the scene, please? B-KO(in the control booth): Sorry, but no! The fast forward button broke off, after that "Aikan Muyo" incident! ALL: Damn! >Tenchi groaned. "No! I mean get off of >me, geez Ryouko," the boy paused, considering, >"and... unrestrained exploration of internal organs? >You sound just like your mothe... ulp!" The last >was cut off along with the young man's air supply >as a pair of legs pressed in on both sides of him, >making continued conversation a tricky affair, to >say nothing of respiration. PETER: You see, this is one of the major problems that would come up from a Tenchi/Ryoko relationship. She would have to be gentle, or she’d kill him. >"I sound just like my >mother, when she what... Tenchi?" Ryouko asked, >voice dripping with soothing undercurrents, the >sort of sultry seduction that might make you forget >that with a twitch of this thigh muscle or a spasm >in that feminine slope, there would be a separation >of upper and lower body mass the likes of which >church and state could only dream. RANMA(falling asleep): Too boring . . . loosing all strength . . . can’t stay up . . . >"Noth... nothing, just... talk... that's all... you know... >explore... scientist stuff... Ryouko... air? Please?" >Tenchi gasped. Ryouko blushed, here she was, >wearing his clothes just like all the female >magazines had said, he was certainly in a receptive >mood, catching clues that had thus far eluded >him... thanks to what was basically a fully extended >antenna. PRISS: Unfortunately, crushing his diaphragm is NOT a good way to keep him sexually excited. >And what was she doing? AYEKA: You mean you do not even know!?! >Worrying about... that. PETER: What?! Is this fic being censored!? COME ON!!! >Washu wouldn't do anything like... that. ALL: Yes she would! >She knew how much the boy meant to her >offspring. Besides, if she had, why the young >woman would simply beat mother to her >component atoms. PETER: All those in favor of doing that, say “Aye”. PRISS: AYE! RANMA: AYE! AYEKA(holding up Devo-chan): Why, I would even help. >"Oh, sorry." Ryouko released the >pressure and her captive, floating to the floor, >stretching out, and let her body go all cereal... >*snap*crackle*POP* RANMA: *snork* PRISS: *crapple* PETER: *POOP* AYEKA: It would appear that the “Rice Crispies” have gone stale. >..stretching her body. The >shirt had a rather hard time keeping up with all the >curves and virtually gave up somewhere around the >young woman's backside. PRISS(shirt): That’s it! I’m leaving! >Turning, she saw Tenchi >slowly get out of the bed, keeping his eyes on her. >He didn't notice he was going full monty until >about halfway through the process. PRISS: Only for Ryoko, huh? AYEKA: I could easily convince him to get that big. RANMA(to Peter): Can she really do that? PETER(to Ranma): Ayeka can do anything, once she puts your mind to it. >Shrieking, PETER(Tenchi, shrieking): THE BEATLES!!! >he enveloped himself with the covers and edged >toward his drawers. "Ummm, mind turning >around?" "Yeah, okay." How could she refuse when >he used that little school girl voice with the implied >post nasal drip? RANMA(Tenchi): I meant NOW! PRISS(Ryoko): Okay, okay! >"I- I'm going to the bathroom now, PETER: EEW! And I thought he was housebroken! (Ayeka’s shield units surround Peter.) *ZAAAKAZAAAKAZAAAKA!!!* >oka... Auugggh... ahem, okay." Tenchi said, >discovering that some operations, even perfectly >normal, one leg at a time and then zip affairs, have >a whole new dimension of difficulty added when >one tosses in an excited extension. Even worse, >with Ryouko standing there, still wearing his shirt >in loose bunches, its hem rising just above her >backside, the one she just scratched absently... >"SO," Tenchi squeaked. RANMA: Would someone please explain in Japanese, what’s going on? PETER(slightly burnt): He got Zeppo Marks, on his Mini-Me. OTHERS: Oh . . . . >He paused and regained >control over his vocal chords while dislodging a bit >of entrapped flesh and hair from it's prison of metal >interlocks. PETER & RANMA: Ow. >"So I'd like a bit of privacy... okay?" >Ryouko sighed, "Sure, whatever you want. You still >might want to do something about that though." >The young woman emphasized with a gesture. "It's >like running around with a loaded weapon, you >could accidentally discharge a round at the wrong >time," PRISS: Yeah right. Sure. Whatever. >like around one of the other female >occupants of the house, "and there'd you'd be, all >embarrassed," and about to get pummeled. AYEKA: It is getting difficult to tell where the sentences begin and end, in this story. >Tenchi >smiled at her, more out of pride for accomplishing >what Ben Stiller could not, than anything else. >"Don't worry, Ryouko, I understand completely." RANMA: If only we could. >Shaking her head, Ryouko turned. Why had he >smiled at her? AYEKA: For accomplishing what Ben Stiller could not, apparently. >She was just getting angry with him >and then he had to... HUMPH. "Somehow Tenchi, I >doubt you understand me at all, but there's only so >much subtext and body language a girl can do. And >I don't know semaphore PETER(Ryoko): and I don’t do windows. >." She left the >dumbfounded young man, and phased through the >door. Tenchi opened it a few moments later, trying >to catch a hold of whatever he had seemingly >missed. "Hey, wait a sec, Ryou- MULPH..." >Reaching up, he pulled the gag from his mouth and >watched it unfold, revealing Astro Boy staring back >at him. PRISS(reading the words printed above Astro Boy’s head): “Eat my shorts”? >Ryouko floated over him and through the >ceiling, wearing only his shirt. Damn that boy... the >young woman scowled, sitting bare backed on the >Masaki roof AYEKA: giving the squirrels a show they could not believe. (The other group members stare at her nervously.) Anyway- >. Damn his smiles and damn his goofy >manner and damn his smoldering eyes RANMA: and damn this fic for taking its time. >and damn >his kind ways... NO! She was not going to do this, >not today. Ryouko was upset, and she was going to >STAY that way. PRISS: That’s right. Embrace the pain. >She had every right to be. This >was her first real chance at righteous indignation >and she'd be damned if she'd let it go just now >when she was getting a taste for it. It hadn't been >the no, that was no real crime. He'd be ready when >he was ready and she'd be there, waiting for him. >No, it had been that look after she had lost her >temper. That look he STILL wore after all their >time together. The look said more about his >thoughts than the infrequent private smiles he liked >to dish out like unsweetened cooking chocolate >received on Halloween. RANMA: So she’s pissed at Tenchi, ‘cause she didn’t get any. That’s all you had to say! >For every pie crust promise >inherent in that smile, there was a whole paragraph >of frantic realization in that look. It said, "Gosh, >she's awfully cute. Too bad she's lowered more >universal property values then an entire civilization >of overzealous low class, human colonists with a >tendency toward war and inbreeding. AYEKA: I heard that! >Kind of a >shame really, all that killing more people then any >planet wide, incurable plague since the dark ages. >Yep, really a shame, her being so cute and all. Too >bad, she's a monster." PETER: Yep. Too bad, huh. Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. >Well, she was pretty sure he >didn't blame her for her past, the years, so many >years, spent as a slavering dog of war, all for a >power mad man's whims. PETER: So it’s the OAV series. >But, while he might not >find her at fault, the simple capacity... scared him >just the same. It was the same look he had when >she had chased him about the school rooftop. >Honestly, you think a guy would get over a little >overzealous foreplay by now. RANMA(Tenchi): IT’S NOT FOREPLAY!!! PRISS(Ryoko): YES IT IS!!! RANMA(Tenchi): NO IT’S NOT!!! PRISS(Ryoko): YES IT IS!!! RANMA(Tenchi): NO IT’S NOT!!! PRISS(Ryoko): WHAT WERE WE ARGUING ABOUT AGAIN!?!?! RANMA(Tenchi): HOW SHOULD I KNOW!?!?! >He was probably >down there now, sitting upon his porcelain throne, >hand gripped firmly about his scepter, musing over >which concubine will engorge him while he goes >about his business. PETER(twitching): Eew! EEW! I feel unclean!! AYEKA(at the screen): Me!! He is thinking of ME, damnit!!! >Mihoshi, ah yes, full of bubbly >bounce PRISS: and “Tide”. >... Tsunami, a goddess if ever there was >one... Washu, adult form, all the naughtiness one >could hope for, leaving the niceties to chubby men >with beards and rosy cheeks... hmmmm, how about >Ryouko? Sexy, saucy... capable of tearing off any >extraneous body part should the passion get too >much... ahem, no, maybe not. Ryouko sighed, sure, >it was POSSIBLE... but, she hadn't accidentally >torn anything amusing off Aeka either, and she had >had ample opportunity. (Around this time, Ayeka falls to the floor, twitching in imagined pain.) >Humph, it all boiled down >to a lack of trust... even now. Hell, he was probably >thinking about the princess now, too. Thinking >about Aeka's... Aeka's... personality? Hmmmm, >well, there had to be SOMETHING. ALL(including Ayeka, from the floor): “Overall pinash”! >She paused to >think about the matter. Heck, the little snotty brat >even got the boy to do that nasal hemoglobin drip >like you see in the manga. Oh, that's just great... >goddess, she was below Aeka in terms of female >objectification when it came to male personal >stimulation. PETER(Joel): For quality cookery, use the makery bakery. AYEKA(getting up from the floor): Oh no. You mean the words are even in iambic pentameter, now? >That was simply NOT fair, the young >woman grumped, not in the least. PRISS: LIFE is simply NOT fair. >Then, Ryouko >had an idea... an awful idea... AYEKA: We know that, because RYOKO had the idea. >Ryouko had gotten a >wonderfully AWFUL idea. "Heh," the demoness >grinched to herself, "this should be fun." PETER: We’ll be the judge of that, thank you very much. >Tenchi >looked down at the captain's chair in that special >star ship, Tolietprise. RANMA(Crow): We have to get to Uranus, and wipe out the Klingons! Heh-heh. Someone kill me. >It was a simple affair. AYEKA: Yet it still wound up in the tabloids. >Though the house was currently virtually plagued >with feminine wiles and that special woman's >touch, PRISS: From who? Ryoko and Ayeka destroy the house nearly as fast as it can be rebuilt, and Washu’s tastes tend to teeter on the edge of creepy. >the bathroom had thus far seemingly >survived much the same as it always had. There >was no furry covering to encase the lid in muffled >furby-tude, and thanks to the convenience of ready >dry alien clothing, no vines of carnivorous >pantyhose reached out sensing the young man's >approach. PETER: Ayeka’s stuff stays in her closet, and Ryoko doesn’t wear any. >It was simply a white, tile and porcelain >paradise of get in, get your business over with and >get out, oh and for the love of goddess, please refill >the toilet paper, yeah, on the roll, that's what it's >for. Thanks to these considerations by the opposite >sex currently housed within the Masaki household, >the males made it a personal habit to always put the >lid down afterwards. AYEKA: You got that right. >This led to universal harmony >and had nipped what might have been seemingly >pre-destined homicides before they could even be >foreshadowed. Tenchi however, had a problem. RANMA(Ayeka): You got that right. (Hit by Ayeka.) *WHAP!* OW! >It was early morning, and naughty dolphin or no, he >had to go pee. (The MST, including Ayeka, group makes various sounds of nausea.) PRISS: We did NOT need to hear that!! >Apparently, it had something to do >with his manhood. Having one necessitated that >while no man was indeed an island, urination. PETER(to Tenchi in the fic): Turn TOWARD the toilet if you’re going to do that! >Problem was, mother nature, who should never be >confused with anything but an impressionist at best >and a mad woman at worst, simply hadn't designed >both inconveniences of the male experience to >function at the same time. AYEKA: So this lousy story drags mother nature’s name through the mud, without any sense of remorse? >He had two options as >far as he could tell. PRISS: Kill or be killed. >The first was to give a bit of a >lean, hope for the best and prepare for clean up >afterwards. Alternately, he could sit down, squeeze >himself under the lid and possibly pull a groin >muscle. PETER & RANMA: We did NOT need to hear that!!! >Neither seemed all that tempting a >prospect, but the simple fact was, with a traffic jam >of sorts currently honking and screaming epithets >in his nether regions, he had to do SOMETHING. PETER(traffic reporter): A current internal traffic jam inside of Tenchi Masaki, is holding up all routes bound out of this fic, for an indefinite amount of time. >Still, come to think of it, there was one more >option. Ryouko had said herself, best to clean his >gun and remove any explosive rounds before >embarrassment seeped in... or out. RANMA: Someone . . . please kill me. >Sure, with the >dual pressures working overtime, he'd probably >make like a Kryptonian and do something shot gun >like. PETER: Don’t go dragging Superman into this, Parrot King!! >All things considered though, it would solve >his problem, and the clean up wouldn't half as bad >as trying to direct a ten gallon fire house into a ten >ounce hat. Removing his pants with only minor >difficulties this time, Tenchi took position and set >his mind to the task at... hand. AYEKA: Even I can not enjoy this scene. >He decided against >conjuring thoughts of Ryouko, he had hurt her >somehow and could hardly keep on course as guilt >threatened to derail arousal. No, he'd have to make >it up to her. Mentally promising himself to be a >good boy after the inherent pup dog tail was dealt >with, he instead let his brain drift toward >pneumatic bumbling detectives and perverted red >heads with an overabundance of playthings... AYEKA, PRISS, & RANMA: EEW!! EEW!! HE’S FANTASIZING ABOUT WASHU!! EEW!!! PETER: Now I’m officially ready for years of therapy. >Aeka woke up groggily, allowing herself a rather >satisfying scratch in places of her anatomy that >princesses were generally forbidden to scratch... or >in fact have any knowledge of. (Ayeka yells something incoherent about Parrot King, and tosses a chair at the screen.) >Sasami had been >deep in the bowels of another nightmare most of >the night, and her older sister had spent her allotted >beauty sleep, consoling the young girl. Something >about a large man with horns, wearing striped >pajama's and fighting with their father. PRISS(announcer): Live on Pay Per View! >Which was >silly, there had been peace between the Oni and >Jurian empire for some time, why would they ever >come to blows? Then she had mentioned some >cackling panty mad emperor in black and his >twisted son, Aeka wearing clown make up, and a >very naughty dominatrix tool. PETER(Sasami as Tom Servo): I mean it Ayeka! I-I really think I’m freaking out!! >None of it made any >sense to Aeka, except the last bit. Still, Sasami had >quite a few years ahead of her before she had to >worry about... that. RANMA: Somehow, I can’t quite picture Tsunami going S&M. >Shushing fears with a calm, >practiced hand as it wound its way through the >young girl's hair, she had finally gotten her sister to >sleep a couple of hours before dawn. "Awww man, >am I the ONLY one not getting any personal >gratification today?" Ryouko grumbled, PETER(Jeff Foxworthy): Well you’re scheduled for the next lemon scene, so there you go, and here’s your sign! (The other group members stare at him nervously.) I’ll tell you all, later. >appearing >in the room in that special way that said walls were >not so much an inconvenience as simply an invite >to see just what could be causing all that grunting >and moaning. "I- I- RYOUKO! RANMA: I thought she was Ayeka? >You are NOT >allowed into my room..." Aeka blushed, moving her >hands from her lap. "And for your information, I >simply had an itch." "So, you got fleas instead of >needs, and this is a good thing?" AYEKA(being held back by Priss and Ranma): LET ME AT HER!!! LET ME AT HER!!! I SHALL RENDER HER, LIMB FROM LIMB!!! PETER: Ayeka! Calm down, and just say the chant over and over again! AYEKA(trying to calm down): I am going to kill the author. I am going to kill the author. I am going to kill the author. I am going to kill the author . . . PETER: Much better. >"Look, I am NOT >in the mood, monst- ", the young princess choked >off the last word as she noted a rather sinister look >light Ryouko's eyes. Had they simply begun to glow >red, they couldn't have implied more malice. >Somehow, dangerous ground was being tread and >Aeka wisely decided it was best to back off. PETER: Wait! Hold it! Out of character! Ayeka wouldn’t back off if Ryoko had the four horsemen of the apocalypse backing her up! AYEKA: You got that right. (Returns to chanting.) I am going to kill the author. I am going to kill the author. I am going to kill the author . . . >Then... she got a good look at what the demon was >wearing. "Tha- that's... " "Hmmm? Oh, this old >thing? Well, he wasn't using it at the time RANMA: Uh, yes he was. >and I thought, what better trophy? I mean it's not like I >can just mount his gnards on the wall." Besides, >she grumbled internally, Tenchis' ain't got gnards. >"Liar! You just went through his laundry and >snagged something to annoy me with. PRISS: Close enough. >Well, >honestly, heathen, I simply don't care today. I've >had virtually no sleep, and frankly plan on ignoring >you until such time as I can properly deal with you >in a cool and composed manner, as befitting my >station." Ryouko smiled, "Is that so?" Suddenly, her >hand came up, crackling with energy, diffusing the >morning light oddly about the walls, before it >formed into a small sphere. She watched the >reflections of the ball of light as they danced about >Aeka's eyes, the young girl was still half asleep and >would be hard pressed to put anything much into a >defense. A little more power, just a wee bit, and >there would be no more rival, no more princess, no >more Jurian nobility issues... just her and the man >she loved AYEKA: who would never speak to her again. >. Nah, that was too easy. Aeka leaped to >the side, frantically pulling up a force-shield, just >as the energy orb slammed into her... containers. >Clothes combusted, make up melted, and lingerie >lit aflame. Both women watched the flames dance >about the wooden cylinders, before the Jurian safety >measures on the remaining bits of carry on, snuffed >the fire with concussive power. "Awww, sorry >about that princess, I was just aiming for the >toiletries, you know, make up, perfume, all that >make pretty gunk you seem to need so much of. >Didn't mean to hit all those clothes." ALL(staring blankly at the screen): . . . . . . . . PETER: Well, it would appear that things IN the fan fic are also going up in smoke. >Or make that >hole in the side of the wall... careful girlfriend, she >thought. Aeka stood slowly, face downward, anger >evident in every fiber of her being. Even the prim >and proper speech patterns learned from a lifetime >of custom and ambassador training not dulling the >lethal edge of her tone. "Why did you do that >Ryouko?" PRISS(Ryouko): ‘Cause it’s fun! >Ryouko paused, uh-oh... did she go too far? ALL: Yes. >It was important this went right, she had to >exercise delicacy this time. Should be okay, the >princess hadn't leapt at her yet, things were still >under her control, but... could she really go through >with this? Home girl might just tear the boy a new, >NO, be strong she told herself. Stick to the plan. >"Well, Tenchi was planning on going to town later >on this afternoon, and I figured with you looking >the way you do, he'd probably rather have a nicer >looking girl to wear on his arm. So, bye-bye Avon >and bye-bye competition." AYEKA: I have spares. >Aeka took a step >forward. "Course, you do have some spares in the >bathroom," AYEKA: D’OH!! >Ryouko seemed to chide herself. Aeka >paused. "Guess it's all a matter of who gets there >first? Huh?" With that, Ryouko turned, phased >through the door and hit the ground running. Aeka >simply roared! PRISS(Sasami): Huh? Who let the lion loose in the house? >Tenchi was starting to lose feeling >in his backside, which wasn't a good thing, >testament to numerous false starts and frantic >recranking. (Peter makes the sounds of an old car motor trying to start.) >He was also losing feeling in his spinal >column, which was a good thing. Not much longer >before, well, before he'd be making funky noises, >funkier faces and a rather more then funky mess. RANMA: Psycho funka-puss! PETER: Son of Funk-enstine! >One more joke by the mistress of nature he >supposed. AYEKA(mother nature): OH-HO-HO-HO-HO!!! OTHERS(startled): Ayeka!!! >Just when things were getting REAL >good, it got harder and harder to keep track of all >your digits and limbs. Concentration was of utmost >importance at this point. Soon, he'd be past that >mystical no man's land where even basic contact >was no longer required... simply a will, a wai, and >some tissue paper. Careful now; almost there... stay >on target... almost there... PRISS(screaming): END!!! EEEEENNND!!!!! >Ryouko phasing through >the door, that's nice... almost there... stay on... >Ryouko? PETER: No, it’s a bleached Tasmanian devil, with implants. OF COURSE IT’S RYOKO!!! >Still half on automatic pilot, he looked up >into those deep golden eyes as they regarded him >full of, love? No, not this time, something different. >Desire? Nope, not that either, more intense... >almost, mischievous. AYEKA: Evil. >Evil? ALL(old geezer): EVIL! >Yes, that was it, pure, >unadulterated, evil. ALL(old geezer): EVIL! >The evil glint made its way to >her smile just before she ported away, leaving >Tenchi alone in the room, about to explode Sadly, AYEKA: The author forgot how to type in a period. >the bathroom door beat him to it. >"RYOUKO!!!" >"AEAKA?!?" >"TENCHI!?!" PRISS(Dr. Claw): GADGET?!? AYEKA: MUZELTOP!!! RANMA: CHIEF!?! PETER: MCCLOUD!!! >Ryouko appeared on >the roof. Settling down, she pulled out a bottle of >sake she had snagged mid way up there and let the >sunlight do all sorts of rude things to her body. (The MST group starts making fart sounds, and other rude noises.) >"Gosh, that was mean of me," she mused. ALL: We know. >"Gotta stay strong though. Now then, where was I?" She >paused to take a long swallow from the bottle. "Oh >yeah, damn his wishy washiness and damn his little >master key and damn his tight butt, NO... ahem, >damn his pinched annoying little squeak that melts >me like... NO!" RANMA: She’s not very good at being angry with Tenchi, is she. >End part One PRISS: You mean there’s more than ONE part?! ALL(in a tribute to the “Peanuts” characters): AUUUUUGH!!! >Parrot King: PETER(Parrot King): I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I apologize. >You know, that was kinda mean of me, ALL: We know. AYEKA: So, is Parrot King implying that he temporarily possessed Ryoko, for the duration of this story? OTHERS: Guess so. >almost makes >me hesitant to inflict what I have planned on him >on the next part. PETER: God help us all. >Krudd: This is a sewies? You can't be sewewious... PRISS: Oh, I’m certain he’s deadly sewewious. >Parrot King: Nah, just a two parter RANMA(relieved): Oh, thank goodness! I was worried for a second. >Gosh, you guys still here? AYEKA: Well, gosh golly, I think we are. >More fun when Tenchi >Master of His Domain continues... PRISS: Don’t keep your hopes up. >here's a peek. .. >Aeka cried out with drunk indignation, "Yessshhh! >There must be a shhhhpanking!" Before taking a >long gulp from the shared bottle. PETER: Ayeka Jurai IS, Ted Kennedy! (Ayeka’s shield units surround him.) *ZAAAKAZAAAKAZAAAKA!!!* >"And then, the >oral sex." Ryouko agreed. The young princess >spewed, and barely suceeded in keeping from >falling off the roof. AYEKA: Obviously, Ryoko is making me sick. OTHERS(Peter slightly burnt): SPEEEEEEEW!!! >"Oral shhhex? Are you shure?" >"Very important element, you can hardly leave >THAT out." Aeaka shighed, "I have shooooo much >to learn... *hic-up*" .. >Parrot King: PETER(Parrot King): Well, at first I thought it would be funny, but now I’m just ashamed of myself! >Hope to see ya there! PRISS: Don’t count on it. >Special Thanks: Barry Cadwgan, Su >Mai'lirden, Bombadil Goh, K'thardin, and Magic >Knight Kiyone PRISS: Dr. Carlo Lombardi, AYEKA: Greydon Clark, RANMA: Tatewaki Kuno, PETER: and the Saturday Night Live band. >... without them, I might just have >indulged in something that, through the lessons >Tenchi has taught me, I no longer take for granted >^_- ALL: EVIL! >Revenge's End Mad Bad Bishonen Lad >Caretaker of the Dark and Lonely Place RANMA: Ryoga’s mind? >(COR Deaconate) PRISS: What? Huh? >The Parrot King ALL(old geezer): EVIL! >(And the Moon was as >blood, the Storms crashed and the Seas BOILED!) >(Typical, thought the Lobsters) AYEKA(Sasami): Dinner is ready! >/ >Oo >(~, ) >V ALL: What are you lookin’ at? (The MST group gets up, and exits the theater.) ======================================================= Group assessment to fan fiction author. Review for “Connections”; PETER: This one wasn’t that bad. I liked this one. PRISS: Compared to your other one, this one was great. RANMA: Okay, I guess. AYEKA: I think it is safe to say that we all enjoyed this one, a little bit. Review for “TENCHI! Master of His Domain!”; PETER: You know the comment that Brazil made about your lemons reading like poetry? You over did it. PRISS: I don’t care how long it was on GenSao’s site, it’s still too long! RANMA: Why would you want to stretch a three page plot into this, anyway? AYEKA: Never before has so little, been stretched for so long, by so much crap, and produced so little in the end. End of research documentation. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- AUTHOR’S NOTES: Personally, I think Ayeka could get Tenchi’s attention, simply because she makes anything she wares look good on her. Example; Ever see her in a one piece bathing suit? ^_- You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to MST that second one. I had to leave large chunks of text un-riffed just because I couldn’t think of anything! Anyway, I have to give my thanks to Parrot King for providing a good portion of the beginning scene, and at least accurately portraying the Anime Port crew there. It was because of this incentive that I went through with this MST, so here it goes. Parrot King, thank you for giving me incentive to MST these fics. I couldn’t have done it without you, and your help. Well, now that is taken care of. I can’t come up with an eyecatch for this one, because I can’t find any jokes I like enough to put down today. So, here’s something else for you to enjoy. ======================================================= A little known fact about the nexus that the Anime Port sits in, is that it has access to the worlds where not only comic book characters live, but other sources of fan entertainment reside as well. Case in point, Peter was taking a hands on part in one of his favorite pastimes. Role Playing Video Games! Peter was not exactly sure where he was this time, and in truth it really did not matter. So long as he could get back when he was done, it was okay with him. Presently he was sifting through a large pile of scrap metal. Peter, like many other RPG game players, felt that going through junk piles was a severely underrated source of weapons and armor. Why many people would be surprised at how easily some sheet metal and leather straps, could become a suit of half plate armor. Trying to find something that would make a good shield, Peter lifted up a large sheet of gray metal, and uncovered something he had not expected to find. “What in the . . .” Peter picked up the unusual object in his arms, and slung it over his shoulder. “Suzuki to Anime Port. Suzuki to Anime Port.” Peter called out on his wrist communicator. “I have encountered an unusual object, an android of some kind, and I am bringing it back for study. Beam up.” And with that, Peter and whatever he found, was beamed to the Anime Port. ======================================================= Peter Suzuki.