Except for Jay "Turbo" Magnus and the Anime Star, nothing used in this story is my property. I'm not paying to use the characters, nor am I making money from them. "I own noth-ing, absolutely noth-ing, noth-ing at all." Anime Star MSTs #10 By: Turbo Magnus It was a normal day on the Anime Star... Er, as normal as a day can be on a MSTing starship crewed by a Zeo-jin Prince, his fiance who is princess of a now destroyed small European country, A cyborg kangaroo, a Zoid warrior, a silent soldier, two robots, the ship idiot, and two holograms. "DAMMIT SCOTTY, WE NEED MORE POWER!" Jay screamed over the com as the ship jinked left to avoid another phaser blast. "I'm giving er all she's got, Captain. Any more an' the power couplings will fuse!" The holographic engineer, Montgomery Scott, replied from engineering. "Then fuse them! We need to jump!" "Aye, sir." You see, Jok Tadsworth had, as always, done it again. The Sindareen were among the most aggressive races in the Star Trek universe and Jok offended them by implying they were nothing more then common thieves. So now, the Anime Star was running from half a dozen Sindareen Spider-class cruisers. "Leena, fire Trans-phasics!" From the rear torpedo tubes, two balls of amber light shot out. Each one, one of the ship's trans-phasic torpedoes. They impacted on the first two Spiders and destroyed them. "Two down, four to go." "Bridge, we're ready for trans-dimensional jump, but we won't have shields for thirty seconds beforehand." "Roger that Scotty. Hoag, activate ablative armor." On the hull, Energy/Matter Generators came to life and armor that could withstand the explosion of a ship covered the Anime Star. The shields dropped and all lights dimmed as power was diverted to the Quantum Drive. The Spiders closed in for the kill and were vaporized when the Anime Star disappeared in a flash of light. ---------------------------------------------- G.O.A. The Goddess Operator Academy. An academy to train selected boys to become pilots of the Goddesses. The Goddess or Ingrid is the robotic battle suit used to defend the last planet of the humans, Zion. GOA also trains Repairers to assist the Pilots and keep the Ingrids operational. One of these Repairers has been left without a partner. Her name is Rome Lotte, Repairer Candidate #05, formerly partner of Erts Virny Cocteau. Today she is taking a spacewalk that will change her life. Above GOA a tear opens in space and spits out a ship, black as the space in flies in. Rome is the first person to see the Anime Star after it's trans-dimensional jump, but not the first person to know it's there. "This is the Anime Star, NX-2992 calling the Goddess Operator Academy. Come in, GOA." "This is GOA. Please state your purpose here, NX-2992." "NX-2992 is requesting permission to dock and effect repairs." "Permission granted NX-2992." ----------------------------------------------- Rome was helping Scotty replace the fused power couplings. "Ye do good work lass. If I was nae a hologram and was a few decades younger, well..." Rome blushed, "Thank you Mister Scott." "It be nae problem lass. It's nice ta finally have someone else on board who knows a wee bit about engineering. Even if only for a little while." "Mr. Scott, if I asked..." "Asked what, lass?" "Do you think Captain Magnus would let me remain on the Anime Star?" "Jay? Aye. The only commander I've met like him was Jim Kirk... I donae think he would turn ye down." [[["Bond. James Bond."]]] "If ye want ta ask him, now would be a good time lass. He and others are about to begin a MST." "Thank you Mr. Scott" Rome said as she ran out of engineering toward the briefing room. "Such a kind and intelligent lass..." ------------------------------------------------- In the briefing room, Jay was being himself, in other words: Pissing Zeall off something awful, "What is it now, Oh Anal-Retentive-About-His-Hair One?" The hologram of the being of pure evil incarnate sneered, "You'll pay for that, Magnus. But I recently heard about your engagement and decided to give you an early wedding present: A Tenchi/James Bond crossover. Enjoy!" Two things happened at once. First Zeall disappeared and second Rome ran into the briefing room. "Something wrong Ms. Lotte?" "No sir, I wanted to ask you if I could remain on the Anime Star when you leave." "You were already going to if it was okay with you. My science officer left two weeks ago and since you no longer had a partner, I asked Senior Instructor Rivolde if you could be assigned to the Anime Star. Now get in the theater or I'm leaving you on GOA." During this exchange, the other AniMSTers had drifted in. [Door sequence] Door 1: A Siberian mountain, they ski down it. Door 2: Shark infested waters. Jay stuffs oxygen tanks in the sharks' mouths so they can't attack. Door 3: A caviar cannery. They dive into the Beluga to avoid saws mounted on a chopper. JAY: All this is familiar for some reason... Door 4: A Russian army base. Leena and Relena use their Gunsnipers to blow it up. Door 5: An office. As they walk through Jay again mentions how hauntingly familiar the doors are. [Fic Starts] HOAG(PR): AniMSTer Roll Call: JAY: Magnus. RELENA: Darlien, soon to be Magnus. JOK: Tadsworth. CROW: Robot. TOM: Servo. TROWA: Barton. LEENA: Tauros. ROME: Lotte. You know, every once in awhile, a fan fic writer gets a stupid idea in his head that he simply can't get rid of until he puts in on paper. JAY: I've been there before. So, here we go. I'm a big James Bond fan. You may have noticed by the address. And I'm not just talking about the movies, but also the novels and short stories. JAY: Have you read Dr. No the book? Along with my Tenchi fics, I write my own series of short stories which are a spin off of JB. These feature other Double-Oh agents me and a friend created. I just can't post them because I don't have a website. Anyway, I'm a *HUGE* fan. I decided to pass this little eccentricity on to Tenchi, just to see what would happen. JOK: This might not turn out good... This is what happened. Of course, to make it happen, I had to make Tenchi a little more mellow. Now then, the disclaimer. Tenchi Muyo is the property of AIC and Pioneer LDC. James Bond and the movies mentioned herein (Tomorrow Never Dies, A View to a Kill, The Spy Who Loved Me, and any others.) are the property of MGM and United Artists. Don't sue me. Unlike Sony, I have no money to give you, nor am I trying to make money off your spy. From Jurai With Love RELENA: , Aeka Jurai. JAY: Huh? RELENA: Letter ending. Tenchi Masaki reached up to his forehead and felt the cool metal disk Washu had placed there. "Uh...Little Washu?" Humming at her holotop, Washu looked up. "Yes, Tenchi?" "Um, I don't mind helping you with one of your experiments, but you're *sure*, you can remove this thing when you're done, right?" LEENA(Washu): What's wrong Tenchi? Don't like anal probes? MALES: (Turn green) RELENA: (Smacks Leena) "Of course, it's just a thought amplification disk. Don't worry about it!" Tenchi found a mirror on the table in Washu's lab and looked at his reflection. The metal disk was an inch in diameter, dead center in his forehead. He moaned. "I wish it wasn't so conspicuous." "Don't worry, Tenchi, I can fix that." Washu typed on her computer for a minute. Suddenly, the disk turned yellow. Two black dots and a curved line appeared on it. Tenchi groaned when he saw it formed a smiley face. JAY: Those things pop up EVERYWHERE! "Thanks, Washu," he said without conviction. Washu cackled. "Don't mention it." The two left the lab, Washu's gaze set on her holotop while she monitored Tenchi's thoughts. "It all seems normal enough," she muttered. The holotop was displaying Tenchi's thoughts. Right now, it was showing her a transcript of his mental grumbling over the smiley face. She was still looking for reasons why Tenchi could summon the Light Hawk Wings. So far, though, she was getting nothing. Night was beginning to fall at the Masaki household. Ryoko and Ayeka were fighting again, but took a moment to stop and laugh when they saw Tenchi and his...smile. CROW: Because that was all he was wearing. He was sitting next to Washu on the living room couch when Nobuyuki Masaki came home from work. He walked into the living room and tossed Tenchi a black video tape in a rental box. Tenchi looked at the tape and then back to his father. "What's this?" he asked. CROW(Nobuyuki): A Playboy movie. "Well, boy, I...Kami-sama, Tenchi, what happened to your head?!" Tenchi's hand went up to cover the smiley face. Washu grinned wickedly. "It's just one of Washu's experiments, Dad, don't worry about it. Now what's up?" "Well, boy, I've got the day off tomorrow, so I thought you and I could sit up all night and watch a James Bond movie just like we used to when you were little." "James Bond?!" Tenchi asked excitedly. He checked the title of the video cassette and, sure enough, it said, "Tomorrow Never Dies," across the spine. "Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang! This is great, Dad! We haven't done this in years!" JAY: I have a copy of The World Is Not Enough. TOM: Did you know they've named Bond 20? JAY: No, what did they name it? TOM: Die Another Day. Washu watched in amazement as her computer went wild. "Er...who?" she asked. Nobuyuki fielded this question while Tenchi went to get some snacks for the movie. "James Bond is a movie hero. He's a British secret agent." "Uh-huh..........and?" "Well....it's something you have to *see* rather than hear about." Tenchi came back into the living room and began setting up the VCR. "You're welcome to watch it with us if you like, Washu." "What's so great about him, anyway?" The two looked at her as if she had just asked why the earth was round. Tenchi sighed. "James Bond is essentially every human boy's role model. Women want him and men want to be him." RELENA: I thought that was Austin Powers. Washu arched an eyebrow. "Are you serious?" ALL(Minus Rome and Trowa): Yes. Tenchi and Nobuyuki nodded sagely. "All right, then, I'll watch with you and see if I can understand it any better afterward." Tenchi smiled, but had to run to the kitchen when he heard the microwave beep, signaling that the popcorn was ready. Washu took a seat next to Nobuyuki and waited for Tenchi to return. When he did, Nobuyuki started the movie. Two and a half hours later, Nobuyuki turned the movie off. Washu blinked in astonishment. "Are you kidding me?" she asked them seriously. Tenchi looked at her in puzzlement. "What? You didn't like it?" Washu blinked. "You mean you did?" JOK( Put off' Tenchi): Hell yeah I did. "What's wrong with it?" Nobuyuki asked. Washu face faulted. "Half the things he did were totally unrealistic!" JAY: Your point being? The two stared at her for a minute. "Yeah, and?" Nobuyuki asked. Washu couldn't believe it. "But...but...it's just so...corny!" Tenchi looked up at his father. "It *has* been rather downhill since Albert Broccoli died," he commented. TOM: Not to mention the death of Desmond Lewellyn. JAY: R will NEVER be able to replace Q... "What makes that guy so special?!" Washu practically screamed. In all her years as a scientist, she had never seen anything so illogical as the fact that a down to earth boy like Tenchi actually *liked* this movie, and claimed that practically every male on the planet did as well. TOM: But we do. "Washu," Nobuyuki began, "It's not what he does, it's the style in which he does it. Sure the stunts are a little...far fetched..." "Try downright stupid!" JAY(Offended): Them's fightin' words! "...but the fact is that James Bond faces life in a debonair and cavalier way that we all wish *we* could." Tenchi was nodding. "Yeah, he always knows the exact right thing to say and when to say it." As he was saying this, Washu looked down at her computer. She had almost forgotten the experiment. She saw that all of Tenchi's words were coming in on the monitor. However, there was one phrase there that he had thought, but not spoken. TOM(To the other males): Wouldn't we all? "Washu, are you all right?" Nobuyuki was asking. "Huh? Oh yeah, great. I think." She tuned out as Nobuyuki and Tenchi began discussing the pro's and con's of the movie in earnest. After awhile, the talk turned to other things. One question from Nobuyuki caught her attention. CROW(Nobuyuki): Washu-chan, want to fuck? "So boy, what do you want to do on your special day tomorrow?" Tenchi smiled. "Come on, Dad. You know I don't like to make a big deal out of my TROWA(Tenchi): Wedding day to Nagi. birthday. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell the girls, knowing them there'd be trouble involved if you did." Washu grinned. "Don't worry boy, I won't tell. Though I'm sure if you did, the girls would give you a special birthday surprise. Hee hee hee." "Jeez, Dad, get your mind out of the gutter, huh?" CROW(Nobuyuki): I can't help it. It's connected to my body. Washu was forming a plan in her mind when Tenchi spoke to her. "Washu?" "Hmm?" "I'd appreciate it if you kept that knowledge to yourself. I don't want any of the girls to know it's my birthday, okay?" Washu grinned in a way that made Tenchi just a little nervous. "Sure, Tenchi! I won't tell anyone!" JOK: It's going to be on the news. "Er...thanks." The two Masaki men went to bed, but Washu had other plans. She went straight to her lab and began downloading everything she could find on James Bond. She studied for several hours. When she was done, she grinned. "Oh, this is going to be FUN!" RELENA(Singing): It's gonna be fun, fun, fun, fun till Daddy takes her T-Bird away! Of course, Washu's plan would require a little help from everyone else in the house. However, she *did* promise Tenchi that she wouldn't say anything, so she didn't. Instead, she summoned everyone to her lab one at a time in the middle of the night. Once the sleepy, confused family members were inside, it took only a quick shot with her tranquilizer gun to render them unconscious. When they were all on separate beds in her lab, their minds hooked into her computer, she began to make the necessary program changes. She wasn't going to use them per se, but she would need their mind data if this was going to work. ROME: Mental algorithm based simucroms possibly? Then she came upon a different problem. In her research she found that every James Bond movie had one thing in common, a beautiful woman who ends up with Bond at the end, but is never seen or heard from again afterwards. TOM: Not true, Agent Triple-X from Russia appeared several times. Washu sat back and "hmm'ed" in thought. If she chose Ryoko or Ayeka, the other would scream bloody murder and start a fight the second they found out about it afterward. Normally, that would be entertaining, however, her goal here was to give Tenchi a nice birthday present, not screw up his life even more by starting a war between Ryoko and Ayeka. JAY(Washu as Vizzini): I've hired you to help me start a war! It's an prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition. Mihoshi already had a good part, and so did Sasami, so who could she use? CROW: Kiyone. TOM: I think this is OAV continuality. It came to her in flash. She began typing. "Oh, Washu," she said to herself, "You are *too* evil!" She waited patiently for her to appear. Suddenly, Tsunami materialized in front of the scientist and smiled. "Hello, Washu," she said in her melodious voice. "What's wrong? You said it was important." "Er...yes, Tsunami, it is. Uh, tell me, did you come in a physical, humanoid form like I asked?" Tsunami blinked. "Yes, of course. But why did you need me to be in a humanoid form when you could speak to my astral form?" Washu grinned. "That's easy! I can't tranquilize your astral pattern!" ROME: Wouldn't it have made more sense to use an Astral Plane Containment Unit with a link to your computer? Before Tsunami knew what was happening, Washu brought out her tranquilizer gun and fired. Tsunami wobbled on unsteady legs for a moment and fell to the floor in a heap. Washu picked up her unconscious form with a strength no one knew she had and placed Tsunami on a bed next to Ryoko and the others. Then she went back to work, humming "Happy Birthday to You," as she went. Tenchi walked downstairs that morning and found the house empty except for Washu, who was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee. "Good morning, Washu," he said. "Where is everyone?" "Oh, they're around, somewhere." She lowered her coffee cup and smiled. "By the way, happy birthday, Tenchi." "Oh, thanks, Washu." "I got you a present." "Really? That's nice of you, Washu, but you really didn't have to." Washu grinned wickedly. "Sure I did! Would you like it now?" Tenchi sighed and smiled at the gesture. "Sure." "Good!" CROW: And Washu begins to strip. Suddenly, Washu was pointing a gun at him! "Washu! What are you..." His voice trailed off as he felt a dart puncture his flesh. He began to feel drowsy. Before he knew it, he was unconscious. The last thing he heard was Washu's voice. "You're gonna love it! Love it!" Tenchi woke up and found himself standing on a snowy mountain top. He looked down and found he was in a parka and snowpants. "What the...Where am I?" LEENA: Disneyland. Washu's voice answered him. "You are in Siberia, just under a mile from the Bering Straight." Tenchi turned and saw the pink haired scientist standing there. Unlike him, however, she wore her regular clothes. "Washu!" She grinned at him. "Happy birthday, Tenchi! After talking with you and your father last night, I decided to get you something you've always wanted! So, without further ado, I give you Tenchi Masaki as...Washu's Tenchi Masaki, Double-oh-Ten in....'From Jurai With Love!'" Tenchi blinked in shock. "You mean...I'm *in* a James Bond movie!?" "Weeeellll.....no. You're in a Washu movie. Essentially, I took the basic tenets of a James Bond movie and compiled them into a similar but different situation. Then, I took that compilation and inserted it into your mind so that you could experience it without having t worry about dying! You're actually lying on one of the beds in my lab and hooked into one of my computers, but your mind is here! Pretty neat, huh?!" ROME: So all you did was set up a synaptic virtual reality system with safety protocols and you're trying to pass it off as a scientific breakthrough? Tenchi just stared at her. Then, "WASHU!" Washu sighed. "I know, I know. I shouldn't have done it, and if you really hate the idea, I'll..." Suddenly, Tenchi was hugging her. "You mean, I'm really going to be in a James Bond movie!?" he asked excitedly. Washu blinked. "Well....yeah." He hugged her again, and then, to her surprise, he kissed her. "Thanks Washu! This is by far the coolest thing I've ever seen!" "So...you're not mad?" "Mad!" he repeated in shock. "This is the dream of every human male on the planet!" JAY: Of course, in my case Relena would have to be the Magnus Girl'. JOK: I don't think Bond was ever married. JAY: Yes, he was. She was killed... RELENA: Well then, I hope that the dream wouldn't follow the facts. He suddenly looked up at her. "Ooh! Do I get a gun?!" Washu blinked, then reached into a dimensional pocket and produced a small, automatic pistol. She handed it to Tenchi. "Walther PPK, seven point six two millimeter." JAY: I always preferred the Walther P-38 or the Smith & Wesson .38 Police Special myself. And if I remember correctly, Bond actually preferred a Beretta until it nearly got him killed in Russia and M forced him to make a change. Tenchi took the gun and checked the action. Then he blinked in surprise. "How did I know how to do that?" he asked her. "That's another thing," Washu told him. "I call it the Wing It program. Basically, your mind is connected with mine kind of like Ryoko's. My mind is connected to the James Bond database on my computer, so anything James Bond knows, Tenchi Masaki knows too." Tenchi blinked then looked at the gun. "Cool," he commented. "I can also communicate with you through the link, so if you have any questions, all you have to do is think them." Tenchi nodded. "Oh, one more thing," Washu said with a grin. "Just to make it interesting, I put simulations of the others in here to play different roles." "You mean the others are here? Ryoko? Ayeka? Sasami? Mihoshi? Dad? Grandfather?" "Mmmm hmmm. They're not *really* here, of course, but I thought it'd be nice if you could see a familiar face here and there." This was a bald faced lie, of course. She needed their minds hooked into her computer just like she needed Tenchi's in order for them to appear, but there was no point in telling Tenchi that. It'd just make him nervous. Besides, their personalities were on stand by, so they would act just like who they would say they are. In order for the characters to seem real, she needed real people to base their thoughts on. Otherwise, the characters would stop being realistic after a few minutes. The only solution she could think of was to use the others as important, recurring characters and simulations for characters who wouldn't get that much screen time. ROME: Why not just make copies of their minds? "Just remember, this is your mind, so if one of them turns out to be a villain, it's okay to kill them." JAY(Washu as M): If you carry a 00-number it means you have a license to kill, not get killed!! Tenchi nodded. "Thank you, Washu. Er..what if *I* die?" "Then you wake up in my lab. No problem. Don't worry, though, you have Bond's luck." TROWA: Don't we all wish we had Bond's Luck? JOK: Yeah... "Okay, just one more question." "Shoot." "Why are we here?" He gestured to the snow covered expanse around them. Washu looked from side to side. "Oh, yeah. Well, isn't there a big action scene at the beginning of each movie?" Tenchi nodded. "Well, this is yours!" She reached into a dimensional pocket and took out a snowboard and a small gold locket. "Here you go," she said, handing the articles to Tenchi. Tenchi set about locking his feet onto the snowboard. "And I'd hurry if I were you. Those Russian ski commandos aren't going to wait!" JOK(Tenchi): Russian ski commandos? I have to outrun Russian ski commandos? Tenchi looked past her and saw several men in white uniforms and holding sub machine guns skiing toward them. His eyes went wide. Washu chuckled and gave him a push. "Ahhhhhhhhhh!" he cried as he started accelerating downhill. Washu waved after him as the ski troopers raced past her. "Good luck, Tenchi! Have fun! I'll see you in London!" With that, she opened a dimensional portal and stepped through it. The battleship gray Aston Martin DB5 pulled into the underground garage of the MI6 headquarters overlooking London's Regent's Park. After coming to a stop in it's reserved space, the driver's side door to the car opened and a dark haired man in a gray business suit stepped out. He took one look around, grinned, and made for the elevator that would take him upstairs. Ms. Ryoko, Y's confidential secretary, shuffled a few papers on her desk before taking her compact out of her purse and checking her make-up. As she considered adding more lipstick she saw a gray bowler hat make contact with the hat rack she saw in her compact's mirror. It seemed to hover on the edge of one of the hooks for a second before coming to rest. JAY: NOW I KNOW WHY THAT OFFICE SEEMED FAMILIAR! LEENA: Why? JAY: It and the other doors were parts of James Bond films! "Yes! Nailed it!" a familiar masculine voice cried. Ms. Ryoko turned and smiled. "Good afternoon, Tenchi!" Tenchi smiled. "Good morning, Ms. Ryoko." "How was Russia? I heard you had some trouble." "Well, the scenery was nice, but the reception was..." he paused for a moment, TOM(Tenchi as James Bond): Rather cold. "Icy." In his mind he heard Washu chuckle. >Thanks,< he thought back. >It's my first.< "You'd better go in," Ms. Ryoko told him. "Y's waiting for you." Tenchi smiled and opened the door to Y's office. He found his grandfather sitting behind an oak desk. His father was sitting in a leather chair across from it. Yosho, Y, looked up. "Ah! Double-oh-Ten. Good. Have a seat." Tenchi did as he was instructed. "I believe you know, Nobuyuki Tanner, my chief of staff." LEENA(Tenchi): No, I don't. Tenchi gave his father a quick nod in greeting. "Now, then, down to business," Y began, adjusting his glasses. "The locket you brought back from Siberia contained a microfilm message from Double-oh-Two, who was working on an important assignment in that region before he was killed." JAY: Sounds sorta like the book The Space Eagle. >Kind of like in, "A View to a Kill."< he thought. He could feel Washu mentally nod in agreement. "The message mentioned a new type of machine, something that required a great deal of power in order to function. More power than anything that can be generated by nuclear or geothermal means." ROME: A Matter/Antimatter reactor? Tenchi thought for a moment. "What possible use could a person have for a machine requiring that much power?" "That's what's got the PM so worried," his father told him. "Tell me, Double-oh-Ten," Y asked him, "What do you know about the Master Key?" JOK(Tenchi): It opens any door. Tenchi paused for a moment and waited for Washu to upload the necessary information to his mind. "It's a Jurain artifact, thought to be the greatest source of power in the universe, if you can believe that sort of JAY(Tenchi as Han Solo): Hokey religion. pseudoreligious claptrap." <"Pseudoreligious claptrap?"> Washu thought at him. He mentally shrugged. Y went on. "Well, someone thinks it's more than claptrap. It's been stolen from a New York museum." "You believe there's a connection?" Tenchi asked him. "We believe someone is trying to activate this machine, whatever it is. W still doesn't know what it's supposed to do." Tenchi absorbed this information as Y continued. "We want you to find the Master Key and stop whoever stole it from finding a way to use it. You'll proceed to Hamburg where you will make contact with Professor Heinrich Seiger, an expert on the Master Key." "Understood, Sir." Y nodded. "Good, then your dismissed. Good luck, Double-oh-Ten." Tenchi found himself downstairs in the W Branch labs. He spotted Washu right away, wearing a white lab coat and glasses. She saw Tenchi and waved. Tenchi trotted over to her, looking around him in awe at the W Branch tests that were going on around him. It was just like in the movies. Washu waited for him to get to her and smiled. "So, Tenchi, having fun?" CROW(Tenchi as Bond): Not yet, she's still waiting. "Washu, it's..." "Hold it! It's 'W,' here, okay?" Tenchi nodded. "W, it's incredible! I snowboarded down a Russian mountaintop and finally lost those ski troopers just in time to catch a submarine back to England! W, this is great!" Washu grinned. She was glad Tenchi was having fun. "So, what's next?" "Well, I'm going to Hamburg to meet some guy named, 'Seiger.'" Washu nodded. "Well, W Branch has some gadgets for you to make your stay in Germany more pleasant." JAY(W as Q): Now pay attention 0010, I'm only going to say this once. "Cool." She handed him a cel phone. "It's just like the one in "Tomorrow Never Dies," but I've made a few improvements. If you press this button and point the receiver at a target, it becomes a shotgun mike. It's effective range is about fifty feet. Use the detachable antennae as an earpiece." "Okay, got it." "Next, there's this." She handed him a ring with a dark blue stone. "It's a Royal Naval Academy ring with a little bit of Washu technology joined in. Just put it on and tap the stone twice." Tenchi did this. "Now, watch this." She turned and picked a man in a white lab coat out of the crowd. "Hey, Johnson!" The man approached. "Have you met Commander Masaki?" she asked cheerily. He smiled and stretched his hand out. Tenchi took it and suddenly, a volt of electricity shot through the scientist. He collapsed in front of Tenchi. Washu grinned. "My Ten Thousand Volt Joy Buzzer. Whadya think?" Tenchi grinned. "Shocking." JAY(W as Q): Do bring these back in one piece 0010. She laughed. "Knock it off!" She handed him an envelope. "Your ticket to Hamburg. Have fun, Tenchi!" She watched as Tenchi walked out of the W Branch lab and smiled slyly. She was glad Tenchi was having fun. Tenchi Masaki, Double-oh-Ten, walked into the Hamburg Institute of Jurain Archaeological Research in downtown Hamburg just as the sun was beginning set. He threw the receptionist his most debonair smile and asked for Professor Seiger. The blonde gave him a smile and led him upstairs to a large office and asked him to have a seat on the brown leather couch. Tenchi sat down and waited while the secretary left. A few moments later, an old, balding man came through the same door and approached, his hand outstretched. Tenchi rose and shook it. "Mr. Masaki, I presume?" Tenchi nodded. "I am Professor Heinrich Seiger. Your company...er...Universal Exports, was it?" Tenchi nodded again. "Your company told me you are interested in the Master Key." "Yes, Professor, particularly its practical uses." JAY(Seiger): Controlling starships, becoming an energy sword, containing a demon...The usual. Seiger laughed. "No such thing, Mr. Masaki. The Master Key is supposed to be the greatest power in the universe." He laughed. "Horse manure, I say." A voice objected from the doorway. "I don't believe so." Tenchi looked up at the source of the voice and his eyes went wide, the blood drained from his face. He could hear Washu's amused cackle in his mind. Seiger sighed and turned back to Tenchi. "This is my research assistant, Dr. Tsunami." CROW(Bond): I see. And what does she do afterward that? JAY: Crow, please don't make references to that fic. (See Anime Star MST #7 "Shinji, Bite The Dust") Tenchi gulped visibly as Tsunami, wearing a gray dress suit and lab coat walked up and faced him. She adjusted the steel-rimmed spectacles she wore and smiled at him. He quickly, but discreetly, checked his nose. >Thanks, Washu.< Tsunami smiled at him. "I don't believe we've met, Mr...." LEENA(Tenchi as Dr. Evil): It's doctor actually. Docter Evil. Tenchi smiled and said the line he had waited to say since he saw his first James Bond movie. "Masaki..." He paused. "Tenchi Masaki." ROME: Or if you wish to use the Japanese version, "Misaki... Misaki Tenchi." Seiger continued. "Dr. Tsunami is under the impression that the Master Key can be used for copying mind data." Tenchi raised an eyebrow in interest. Tsunami picked up on it and explained. "Yes, well, the amount of power necessary to scan, copy, and store a person's entire life memories is enormous. If the Master Key did have a practical use, that would be it." ROME: Interesting... "Fascinating," Tenchi commented. "I think so," Tsunami responded with a smile. "Would you care for a drink, Mr. Masaki?" Seiger asked him. "No, I'm fine, Professor, thank you." Seiger shrugged and poured a glass of wine for himself. He walked over to the window and began speaking again. "I don't believe so. Dr. Tsunami is a gifted researcher, but I'm afraid her theory is flawed." He sloshed the wine around in its glass and continued. "It would simply be too dangerous to use the Key on a person." He faced Tenchi and was about to continue when his wine glass broke. He looked at it quizzically, then noticed the red stain spreading across his chest. Seiger made a noise like, "Oh my," JAY: Seiger IS Tendo Kasumi then collapsed. Tenchi reacted quickly, grabbing Tsunami and diving to the floor. "Sniper!" he told her quickly. He reached into his jacket and removed the PPK. He could hear Tsunami's breath come in short, fearful gasps. He tried to get a look out the window Seiger had been standing next to. What he saw made him grimace. CROW: His father in the nude. A laser dot. The red dot moved around the room, searching for them. He looked over at Tsunami and whispered, "Is there another way out of here? A backdoor?" She nodded. "Downstairs and down the hallway next to the elevator. It leads to an alley out back." He checked to see where the laser was. It was on the other side of the room, the sniper's attention was away from them. "Okay, time to clock out for the night. Crawl to the door. Stay low." She nodded, and the two began to crawl. Tenchi kept a close eye on the laser dot. It hadn't tagged them yet, but it was only a matter of time. He searched his brain for a solution. Then he saw it in the form of a glass flower vase on the opposite side of the room. He reached into his back pocket and found the silencer for his gun. He quickly screwed it to the end of the barrel of his pistol and took aim. He lined up the shot and squeezed the trigger once. The vase shattered into a thousand shards of glass. The dot raced to that end of the room and began to pour shot after shot into that corner. Tenchi hastened to the door. Tsunami had fallen behind. He reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling her behind him. The shooting stopped and the dot disappeared. Tenchi thought. It didn't matter. He and Tsunami were safely out of the room. "Which way?" he asked as he helped the researcher to her feet. "This way!" She led him down the stairs and toward the back of the office. They passed the elevator and ran down the hall to the door at the end. Tenchi opened it and pointed his gun outside. When he felt it was safe, he took Tsunami's hand and raced to his car. They made it to the parking lot without incident, but as Tenchi was closing the car door behind him, a shot hit the bulletproof glass in front of him and bounced off. Tsunami screeched and flinched. Tenchi smiled. "Wonderful thing, this safety glass." He started the car and floored it, driving off into the night. Tenchi drove Tsunami to her apartment and checked it out before letting her inside. He stood at the door and smiled. "Well, I must say I've had a lovely evening. We should get shot at together more often." He tried his debonair smile again. LEENA: And I thought I've heard all the pick-up lines there are. "Thank you, Mr. Masaki." Tenchi thought for a moment. "Do you have any idea who would want to kill Professor Seiger?" "No, I don't understand it. We're a nonprofit organization. If it weren't for Ms. Jurai's grants..." "Ms. Jurai?" Tsunami nodded. "Yes, Ms. S. Jurai of Cabbit Technologies. She's the one funding our research into the Master Key. Without her, we'd know absolutely nothing about it." JAY: Translation: She's the villain. LEENA: Why would you say that? JAY: The villain always funds research into the item that will be the core of their evil plot. "Is that so?" Tenchi asked thoughtfully. "Can I use your phone?" "Of course." Tenchi made a call to the office and asked Ms. Ryoko to give him any information she had on S. Jurai. Ryoko told him she'd send the information to the computer in his car as soon as it came in. He thanked her and hung up. "Well, I should go," he told her. She reached out and took his hand. "Must you? I'd...I'd rather not be alone right now." Tenchi gulped and turned red. "I...uh...have to get to work on this Jurai lead. You should be safe here." He saw Tsunami's sad look. "Look," he began, "Whatever this is, it's big. The sooner I find the Master Key, the better." It was a lame excuse, but Tsunami nodded in acceptance. Tenchi turned and left. As he walked to his car, he heard Washu sigh in his mind. >What?< he thought at her. RELENA: What separates reality from fantasy? What is reality and what is fantasy? If what we perceive is what is real, if we perceive fantasy does that make it reality? Changes in reality come about because of fantasy. If the Wright Brothers had not dreamed of flight, would we have airplanes? And are not dreams 'fantasy'? JAY(Leaning over and kissing Relena on the cheek): Have I mentioned that I love it when you get philosophical? RELENA(Giggling): A couple times. LEENA(Muttering): I think I'm gonna throw up. >Nothing, I just...< >It's just weird, you know?< He didn't answer. He looked up at the window to Tsunami's apartment. CROW(Tenchi as Austin Powers): "...shagged her rotten." >I know.< Washu laughed. He unlocked his car door and sat down. He pressed a button on his car radio and watched as a printout emerged from the CD player. Reading the information on it, he smiled. He started the car, threw it in gear, and took off. He had to speak to one Ayeka Jurai of Monarch Industrial. He decided to wait before speaking to Ms. Ayeka Jurai, so he found a hotel and got a room. Looking out the window at the Hamburg skyline, he asked himself *why* he hadn't stayed with Tsunami that night. It wasn't as if it were *really* her, Washu had told him as much. She was a simulation, a computer facsimile designed to act a certain way. Maybe that was it. The fact that she wasn't real may have been what had gotten to him. To most, the fact that she wasn't real would've been an excuse to drop their inhibitions, but Tenchi had never been one to be concerned with the purely physical aspects of a relationship. As a result, what should've been an advantage in this particular scenario, turned out to be a hindrance. He shook his head and smiled. It didn't matter. He was still having a great time. JOK: You're thinking too much. Tenchi was pushed roughly up against the wall of Ayeka's office and frisked by a very large "goon." Ayeka, wearing a black dress suit, stood aside and watched as the goon opened Tenchi's jacket and removed the PPK. He removed the clip, worked the action to eject the remaining round, then handed the pistol to Ayeka. The goon motioned for Tenchi to stand. Tenchi turned around, only to be stopped by the goon, who took him by the shoulder and led him to a chair in front of Ayeka's desk. The goon then shoved Tenchi into it. Tenchi recovered and casually straightened his jacket as if nothing were wrong. Ayeka motioned for her goon to stand back. She sat behind her desk across from Tenchi. "Walther PPK," she observed, placing his gun on the desk in front of her, "Standard issue, British Secret Service. My only question is, what have I done to deserve a visit from the SIS?" JAY: Weeeell, trying to marry first your brother, then your great-nephew would get you a visit from a Society Agent if I had my way. (See Anime Star MST #7 "Shinji, Bite The Dust") "Actually, I'm not here for you, Ms. Jurai. I'm here on another matter." "Really?" She waved her goon away, who left the room. Tenchi watched him go. "I'm here to ask you a favor," Tenchi told her casually. Ayeka laughed. "A favor?" She laughed again. "Mr. Masaki," she said, shaking her head, "You come to my office, without an appointment, carrying a gun, and you want a favor from me?" JOK(Tenchi): Yes. Tenchi's smile never wavered. "That's right." Ayeka smiled. She swiveled around in her chair. "You have balls, Mr. Masaki," she commented. "Tell me," she ordered, "For my own amusement. What favor can I, a lowly businesswoman, do for you?" "Not *that* lowly," Tenchi commented. "Your company is the *second* most powerful in the world." "The favor, Mr. Masaki," she said with a hint of irritation. "I need you to set up a meeting for me...with your sister." "Sasami?" Ayeka asked, "And what has she done to deserve you?" LEENA(Tenchi): Not tried to kill the other house guests for one thing. "She stole an artifact from a New York museum." "Really?" Ayeka asked with a smile. "I would never have thought my little sister would stoop to petty theft." Tenchi just shrugged noncommittally. "Hmmm. Why do you want to meet with her? And more importantly, what's in it for me?" CROW(Tenchi): A night of wild sex. "Your sister's in a lot of trouble Ms. Jurai. She stands to lose everything. *That's* what you get out of it. Her company's stock will plummet once it gets out that she's a thief, and a murderer." "And why would I want to harm Sasami? After all, she is my dear little sister." TROWA: Meaning you would prefer to kill her. "A dear little sister who's tried to kill you," Tenchi pointed out, "Twice." "Who's counting?" She replied wryly. "Okay, I get rid of Sasami. But that's only if you succeed. In all likelihood, she'll kill you." He shrugged. "Then you win again. I'm out of your hair, and Sasami owes you one for bringing me to her." She leaned back in her chair and tapped her fingers on her desk in thought. Finally, she stood up and circled around her desk, approaching him. Tenchi didn't move. She stood behind him and put her hand on his shoulder. "Very well, Mr. Masaki. I'll set up a meeting." She bent down until her lips were only an inch from his ear. "But later. Right now, I'd like to talk to you about a more...personal proposition." Tenchi's eyes went wide. JAY: Must have had some Jurain Cherry Wine. HOAG(PR): FOURTH WALL! He stood up quickly. "Uhhh..er...Ms. Ayeka, I should really be going. I have a few more things I..ah...have to do before that meeting. Thank you very much for your time." He started for the door. LEENA: Figures, even as James Bond he doesn't have a pair. "Mr. Masaki?" Tenchi turned and just barely caught his gun. Ayeka had tossed it to him. "Good luck, Mr. Masaki. You'll hear from me again. I promise you that." TOM(Tenchi as James Bond): I am counting on that. He gulped. Washu asked him. >I want to check on Tsunami.< CROW: Riiight... Washu thought slyly. >Seriously. If I'm right, then she's supposed to be this movie's "Masaki girl," right?< Washu mentally nodded. >Okay, that means that sometime before the movie ends, she'll either be kidnaped, or someone will try to kill her.< JOK(Monotone): You are god. (Get struck by lightning.) KAMI-SAMA(Heaven, Booming voice): NOT FUNNY. Tenchi shook his head and walked up the stairs to Dr. Tsunami's apartment. He raised his fist to knock on the door when he heard a scream from inside. "Tsunami!" He reached into his jacket and pulled the PPK. He raised his foot and kicked the door in. The door practically exploded off the hinges. Tenchi blinked in astonishment. He didn't think he kicked it *that* hard. ROME: You didn't. As this is a movie, the door would have been rigged to come off it's hinges quickly. He looked up to see Tsunami crouching in a corner. Two black clad men stood near her. One held a rope in his hands, the other was preparing to grab Tsunami. Both men wore black masks. Tenchi blinked again. "Ninjas?" he asked in surprise. JOK(Tenchi): I have to fight ninjas?! His expression brightened in excitement. "Yeah! Ninjas!" The two men turned to him. One let out a blood curdling war cry and charged. Tenchi raised the gun, but it was kicked out of his hand by the ninja. >Good!< he thought. >A fight scene!< He blocked another kick from the ninja and grabbed the intruder's arm. He twisted and flung the ninja over his shoulder, throwing him right into a conveniently placed Ming vase. The ninja slumped into unconsciousness. The second intruder, the one with the rope, approached more warily. Tenchi adopted a judo stance and waited. The ninja screamed and charged! Tenchi swung around, pivoting on his left foot and delivering a roundhouse kick with his right. The ninja spun in the air and landed on a coffee table, shattering it. LEENA(Tenchi as Bond): I'd say that table wasn't all it was cracked' up to be. Tenchi looked down at the would be kidnapper. "Put your feet up." He didn't have time to laugh at his own stupid pun. Tsunami had rushed into his arms. "Oh, Tenchi," she sobbed. "I came home and found them here! Who are they? What do they want with me?" "I don't know, Tsunami," he told her. It was true. He really didn't know what part Tsunami played in the plot, and he wasn't about to ask Washu to give it away. "But it's okay now," he told her. "You saved me," she whispered. "Er...yeah," he said stupidly. "Oh, Tenchi," she leaned up and kissed him. Tenchi was so shocked, he didn't have enough sense to protest. He just let it happen. When Tsunami released him, he began to sweat. JAY(Tenchi as Hawkeye Pierce): I'm shock, interested, honored... and aroused. "Um, Tsunami, if you're okay here, I'm going to..." "Please don't leave," she whispered, quietly begging. "I'm scared." She clung to him, unwilling to let him go. >Um...Washu. A little help...< *The AniMSTers chuckle.* Washu laughed. >Washu. Seriously...help me.< *They begin laughing* Tsunami began to nuzzle his neck. >WASHU! DAMMIT, GET OFF YOUR ASS AND HELP ME HERE!!< *Jay, Tom, Relena, and Jok start rolling in the aisle.* Washu!< she declared in defeat. "Um, Tsunami..I really think I should..." Tsunami was kissing him. "I have to...ah...ah..." Suddenly, his cellular phone began to ring. "Answer the phone!" he finished. He broke away and removed the phone from his pocket. "Masaki here," he spoke into the receiver. Tsunami looked saddened and disappointed as he continued to talk to the caller. Washu asked in his mind. >Well,< Tenchi replied as he walked out of the apartment and toward the elevator, >That call was from Ayeka saying that I'm to meet a contact at my hotel bar in ten minutes. In theory, she'll take me to Sasami.< He mentally nodded. He got in the car and drove to his hotel. >It's always a woman. We'll talk and dance around the topic for a few minutes, she'll ask me to come up to her room for a nightcap, I'll agree, she'll take me upstairs, try to kill me, I'll overpower her and force her to take me to Sasami. That's usually how one meets the criminal mastermind.< LEENA: There's one other way. He didn't answer. Washu decided to make conversation. >It probably didn't.< He thought at her. >Remember, this is Bond's world now. It wouldn't be authentic unless beautiful women threw themselves at him..er..me.< Washu mentally blinked. CROW(Tenchi): That's what makes it so cool. He smiled. >Yeah, cool, isn't it?< She didn't answer. She still didn't get it. He arrived at his hotel within a few minutes. He got out, locked his car, and headed for the bar. It took him no time at all to find his contact. It was hard to miss Mihoshi anywhere, especially when she wore a cocktail dress like that! It was black, short, and showed a generous bit of thigh. Tenchi composed himself and took a seat next to her at the bar. The bartender smiled and asked what he wanted. "Vodka martini, shaken..." TROWA(Tenchi as Bond): Beaten, bombed, shot at, knocked out, and chased... But not stirred. he paused for effect, "Not stirred." "Yes, sir." He turned to Mihoshi. "Do you mind if I sit here?" he asked her. She shook her head. "Thanks, I'm afraid I'm stuck here for awhile. I accidentally locked myself out of my room and the hotel manager lost the master key." She flinched. Washu laughed at the stupidity of it all, but said nothing. "Is that so, Mr..." She trailed off. "...Masaki, Tenchi Masaki," he introduced himself. "And you, Miss..." RELENA(Mihoshi as Pussy Galore from Goldfinger): Pussy Galore. JAY(Tenchi as Bond): You certainly are. "Mihoshi will do," she said pointedly. The bartender placed a martini in front of Tenchi, who picked it up and took a drink. He gagged and spit it up into a nearby napkin. Washu laughed hysterically. Tenchi tried to recover as quickly as he could. Mihoshi looked a him quizzically. "Is there a problem, Mr. Masaki?" >Kami-sama, that's revolting!< "No," he said out loud, "It's just that the martinis here leave much to be desired." She nodded in understanding. "So, Mr. Masaki..." "Tenchi." "Tenchi. You are interested in keys?" "Very much so. I find that any lock can be opened with the right key." He dropped his voice a degree. "Even museum locks." She smirked. "Well, then, you've come to the right place. We have a mutual interest, it would seem." JAY(Tenchi as Bond): Keys? RELENA(Mihoshi as henchwoman): No, my body. "It appears so." "Perhaps we should continue this conversation elsewhere? My room, perhaps? After all, you *are* locked out of yours." He smiled. "Why, I'd be delighted." They left together and took the elevator up to the fifth floor. Mihoshi led him to a room marked "86." Tenchi raised his eyebrows. >Foreshadowing, Washu?< ROME: No. If that was the case it would be room 69. She opened the door and gestured for him to go inside. He smiled gamely and went in. He heard a pop behind him and felt something prick the skin at the back of his neck. He felt woozy. Before he passed out, he remembered something. Washu echoed his thought before he could think it. Tenchi came to and blinked the last bit of drowsiness out of his eyes. He tried to put his hand up to shield his eyes from the bright light that shined down on him from a lamp he couldn't see, but his hands were cuffed to the arms of the chair he was sitting in. CROW: This reeks of... uh... bondage. "Well, well, well," a familiar voice said from somewhere behind the light. "Tenchi Masaki, British Secret Service agent, Double-Oh-Ten." He couldn't make out the face, but he knew the voice. JAY(listening to the voice): What's Belldandy doing here? "You would be Sasami Jurai, CEO of Cabbit Technologies." The light dimmed revealing Sasami sitting in a comfortable leather chair across a table from him. Mihoshi stood next to her. Ryo-Ohki sat in the little girl's lap as she petted him. He couldn't help smiling. Somehow, Washu had made cute little Sasami into a juvenile Ernst Stavro Blofeld. TOM: The sad thing is, she's actually scarier than Blofield. "Very good, Mr. Masaki," she complimented him. "You've done your homework. My sister said it was in my best interest to meet you. Usually I expect such words from her when she tries setting a trap for me, that's why I had Mihoshi invite you here in a more...unorthodox manner." "Tranquilizer dart," Tenchi concluded. He threw a look at Mihoshi. "Kinky." Mihoshi smiled and nodded her acknowledgment. LEENA(Mihoshi): It was either that or a club. JAY(Mihoshi): ...and I really didn't want to lose my lunch. "Your sense of humor amuses me, Mr. Masaki," Sasami told him evilly. "You're very brave to come here. In recognition of your bravery, I've decided to reveal my plan to you *before* I kill you." Tenchi smiled. "I'm flattered." Sasami smiled and pressed a button on her chair. The wall behind her slid aside to reveal the Master Key, the Tenchi-ken, sitting atop an odd block of metal about the size of a shoe box. Several wires led from the box to two glass helmets. ROME: Interesting design. JAY(Tenchi as Bond): Does it get cable? "Impressive," Tenchi commented, "Does it get HBO?" RELENA: Well Jay, you were close to what he said. JAY: And that scares me. Sasami frowned. "It happens to be the machine that's going to get me everything I've ever wanted out of life." "So it *does* get HBO." "This is my Mind Transfer Helmet. It takes the life experiences and consciousness of one person and transfers it to the body of another." "Mind transfer?" "Yes," Sasami's voice became sad. "Let me tell you a story, Mr. Masaki. There's a man that I love, the nicest, bravest, most caring person I've ever known. JAY: Yeah, but last time I checked, Yusuke Urameshi was in Yu*Yu*Hakusho and Rekka Hanibishi was in Rekka no Honou. The problem is," she growled as she continued, "Is that my bitch sister and some other slut are also after him. Take a look at me, Mr. Masaki!" she ordered, "I'm a little girl! How do I compete?! CROW: Infect him with Lolita Syndrome. Oh, up until now, it's been easy. I can pull, 'cute,' like you pull a gun, JAY: Not as fast as a certain princess of the Sank Kingdom can on me. RELENA: I don't know whether to hug you or hurt you. JAY: Well you could do both... but I can tell he's starting to buckle. He's going to choose either my sister or that other whore. Then where will I be?" TOM(Tenchi as Jake Blues): Up shit creek. "So you intend to transfer your mind into the body of an adult woman," Tenchi concluded. "Not just a woman," she told him, "The most beautiful woman I could find. My rivals won't stand a chance!" "And what happens to this other woman's mind when you transfer your's into her body?" JAY: If what Star Trek shows in Episode 79 of TOS, the other person's mind will be transferred into Sasami's body. ROME: Actually, you would be correct. She waved the question aside. "Who cares as long as I get what I want?" CROW: Sounds like something Aeka would say. "I imagine *she* would." "She should feel fortunate that her body won't go to waste." "And who is this wonder woman you've found?" Tenchi asked, knowing exactly who it would be. Sasami smiled. "I'm glad you asked that." She snapped her fingers, and Mihoshi left the room, only to return a second later with a handcuffed Dr. Tsunami in tow. >Of course.< "Tenchi!" Tsunami cried out. "So you know each other," Sasami mused. "That's quite a coincidence." TROWA: Nothing is ever a coincidence. "Isn't it just?" Tenchi replied with a smile. Despite his situation, he was having the time of his life. "Well," Sasami said, clapping her hands together. "I'd love to chat with you some more, Mr. Masaki. Unfortunately, we have to take the good Doctor and my little science experiment to our lab in Hong Kong to perform the transfer." ROME: Wouldn't it be more logical to have the lab at the same place as your base? She pressed a button on her chair and the cuffs on his arms released. He stood up. Sasami waved at him. "Tootaloo!" She pressed another button and a trapdoor below him opened up! Tenchi fell through the floor with a startled cry. "Tenchi!" Tsunami cried after him. Sasami nodded toward Tsunami. "Take her to the roof. Ryo-Ohki will take us to Hong Kong." Tenchi fell. RELENA: In love with Ryoko. He could see a patch of light below him, but knew that no matter what it was he was falling towards, it wouldn't be healthy for him. The tube he was falling through began to curve, becoming a slide. He began to slow down. He recognized the trap instantly. It was like the one in "The Spy Who Loved Me." He also knew what was waiting for him on the other end of the slide. CROW: A horny space pirate. He reached out and grabbed hold of the edge as the slide ended. He hung there for a moment before risking a look down. He gulped. Below him was a pool with a very large Great White shark swimming around in it. "Oh, jeez," he said to no one in particular. He looked around to see if there was a way to jump to the ground next to the pool and not in it. He didn't see one. His fingers began to ache. He wouldn't be able to hang there much longer. >What would Bond do?< TOM: Kick ass. he asked himself. It hit him. >He'd use a Q Branch gadget in an inventive way to get himself out.< He looked up at his hands and saw the ring Washu had given him. He grunted as he worked the ring off his finger, being careful to keep his grip on the edge of the slide. He almost fell twice, but finally, it was off. He used his finger and tapped the ring twice. Then, he said a silent prayer and threw the ring down into the pool. The reaction was immediate. The electrical discharge caused by the ring hitting the water caused sparks to fly all over the room. Tenchi looked down and saw the shark flailing about in the water, trying to get away from the sting of the Ten Thousand Volt Joy Buzzer. After a minute, she shark stopped moving. JAY(James Bond): I'd say that it had a shocking' experience. RELENA(James Bond): "Shocking, positively shocking." A minute after that, the ring ran out of power. Tenchi waited one more minute before letting go and hitting the pool with a splash. The first thing he noticed was that he wasn't being electrocuted. The second was that he wasn't being eaten. TROWA: The third was that he WAS drowning. He bobbed to the surface and took a breath, gasping in fright as he saw the dead shark float past him. He composed himself and swam to the edge of the pool. Mihoshi pulled Dr. Tsunami aboard Ryo-Ohki and pushed her into one of the crystal chairs. Sasami sat in another chair up front, while Mihoshi sat in the pilot's chair. Sasami told her to take off, and Mihoshi manipulated the crystals at the helm. Slowly, the space ship began to lift off. The mooring lines that had held the ship to the roof flapped in the breeze. ROME: And she does not retract them, why? Sasami looked back at Tsunami. She gave the research assistant another quick once over and then nodded. "Yes, you'll do nicely." CROW(Sasami): You will be my love slave. (Random sounds of extreme pain being inflicted upon Crow.) "Ms. Jurai, look," Mihoshi said. Sasami and Tsunami looked at the viewscreen above them. It showed the roof below them. There was a man there running toward them. He reached the edge of the roof and jumped, grabbing hold of one of the tether lines that still hung from Ryo-Ohki. Sasami growled. "Masaki," Tsunami's eyes widened in hope. "Tenchi?" Tenchi reached the edge of the building and jumped. He could hear the James Bond theme playing in his mind, unsure if it was his own mind or there courtesy of Washu. He reached out and snagged one of the ropes hanging from Ryo-Ohki. He held on tight. Sasami smirked. "Mihoshi, give me control of the ship." TROWA: Famous last words. "Yes, Ma'am." Sasami began to push the crystals back and forth, this caused Ryo-Ohki to move up and down, from side to side, trying to shake the British agent off the rope. Tenchi held on as tightly as he could. He looked down. He was far too high to jump. Sasami must have seen this. "Think twice, Double-Oh-Ten," she called out over the external speaker. "It's a long way down." She laughed maniacally. He looked up and smiled. They were heading straight for a massive suspension bridge. They approached low, Ryo-Ohki was going to fly just above one of the towers. Tenchi knew what to do. He had seen it before, after all, although Ryo-Ohki wasn't a blimp, and the bridge wasn't the Golden Gate. JOK: How do we know that? As the cabbit flew over one of the massive cables, Tenchi jumped and landed on top of it. The cable was large enough for him to use as a walkway. He still held on to the rope, which he looped around the steel cable and quickly tied into a knot. He looked up and say Ryo-Ohki jerk as the rope went taught. The cabbit miya'd pitifully as it tried to break loose, but to no avail. Tenchi looked down and suddenly became dizzy. He was awfully high up. He saw a cruise ship pass beneath the bridge below him. JAY(Reading the ship's name): L.S.S. Poseidon... He took a breath and composed himself. This was it! The big scene! Sasami moved the crystals around and growled at the futility of it. "Damn!" she shouted. She pointed to Mihoshi. "Well, what are you waiting for?! Go out there and kill him!" "Out there?" Mihoshi whimpered. TROWA(Mihoshi): Where all those woman eating bats are? "That's what I said!" Mihoshi saluted and went to the hatch. She opened the door and jumped to the steel cable Ryo-Ohki was caught on. She saw Tenchi standing near a length of rope. "Ha! Got you now!" she shouted and ran towards him. LEENA: This does not bode well for Mihoshi... He saw her approach and braced himself for a fight scene. Just before she got to him, however, she tripped on another mooring line and fell off the bridge with a startled cry. Tenchi blinked. "Mihoshi?!" He looked over the side and face faulted. She was hanging upside down, fifty feet below him, her foot caught in the mooring rope. "He-llo! Could someone please help me?!" Tenchi shook his head. "She's Mihoshi, all right," he muttered. ALL: Yep. Sasami growled in annoyance. "Why is it I can't find *competent* goons like I could in the old days?!" She reached into Ryo-Ohki's glove compartment and removed a gun. "Well, if you want something done right..." She started towards the door, but suddenly, Tsunami knocked into her! She fell to the floor with a cry. The princess/evil corporate ringleader watched as Tsunami jumped out the door onto the cable and began running toward Tenchi. She growled again and picked up the gun. CROW: That would have to be an interesting pick-up line. Tenchi saw Tsunami hurrying toward him. Just then, Sasami leaned out the door and raised a gun. "Tsunami! Drop!" The researcher did as she was told and dropped to the cable, hugging it for dear life. A bullet ricocheted off the metal cable in front of her. Tenchi looked up and saw Sasami aiming at him. "Oh jeez!" he cried and dropped to the cable as bullets began to fly past his ear. His hold wasn't as good as Tsunami's, however, and he began to slide over the edge. "Whoa!" he cried and managed to stop himself. "Tenchi!" Tsunami cried in fear. JOK: Then she cried out in shock, then in- JAY: Can it, Tadsworth. Sasami pulled the trigger a few more times, but nothing happened. She was out of bullets. Tossing the empty gun aside, she reached into the cabin and brought out the Master Key. CROW(Sasami): This won't hurt...until I shove it up your ass! ROUGA FUUFUU KEN! (Jay's ki attack) WHAM! WHAM! (Relena's and Leena's mallets) ZZZZZAP! (Jok's tazer) SMACK! (Trowa's fist) She jumped to the cable and ran towards Tenchi, running right over the top of Tsunami as she went. Tenchi saw her raise the Master Key over her head, activating the light sword. She was almost to him, and here he was lying on his stomach, his legs hanging over the side of the steel cable, unable to move. She was standing over him now with an evil grin. TROWA(Sasami as Prince Humperdinck): Surrender! JAY(Tenchi as Westley): You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept. "Good bye, Mr. Masaki." She raised the light sword up. Suddenly, inspiration struck! He reached out with his hand and grabbed Sasami by the ankle. He gave the princess' leg a sharp tug, and she was pulled off her feet. She cried out and dropped the sword. "THE KEY!!" she cried as it fell to the river below them. Tenchi had her by the foot as she hung upside down over the edge. His own grip on the cable was tenuous at best. She hung there and looked up at Tenchi. "Well, go ahead and do it!" she cried. "Drop me! What are you waiting for?!" LEENA(Tenchi): Hell to freeze over. As much as it was in the script, he couldn't do it. He couldn't kill even a fake Sasami. Luckily, he didn't have to. Tsunami appeared next to him with another length of rope that had been connected to Ryo-Ohki. She tied it around Sasami's legs and let it go. Sasami screamed as she swung back and forth above the bridge, finally coming to rest right next to Mihoshi, whom she began to scream at for being a dullard. Tsunami helped Tenchi up. She smiled at him. Tenchi gulped. He heard Washu in his mind. RELENA(Tenchi): No, the mission is just beginning. Ryoko yawned loudly and took another slug of coffee. "I had the *weirdest* dream last night," she told the other girls assembled there. Ayeka, Mihoshi, and Sasami all looked dead tired. Washu hummed as she typed on her holotop. "Well it can't compare to mine," Ayeka told her firmly. "I dreamt I was a crime boss." Ryoko blinked. "You're right. I was just a receptionist." "Really?" Mihoshi asked them. "I dreamt I was a goon." Ayeka turned to Sasami. "What about you, Sasami?" she asked. "Did you dream last night too?" The blue haired princess nodded and yawned. "I was an evil genius who was trying to kill Tenchi." The others blinked at that. Ryoko's eyes narrowed. "This all sounds a little *too* familiar." HOAG(PR, as Mihoshi): Oh no! We were in a MUSH! She didn't have much of a chance to go on. Suddenly, Tenchi appeared, humming a tune none of them recognized and smiling broadly. JAY(Listening): The James Bond theme I'd understand, but why is he humming the theme to McHale's Navy? "Good morning, Tenchi," Ayeka said to him with a short smile. "You seem to be in a good mood today." His smile got wider. "Yeah, I guess you could say I'm on an all time high." At this, Washu burst into a fit of laughter. CROW: Tenchi is on drugs? Ryoko blinked. "What? What did he say that was so funny?" She waved the question aside. "Private joke," she told them. "So what are you girls doing today?" he asked as he sat down to breakfast. CROW(Ayeka): Gang-raping Tenchi. "Ooh!" Washu cried out. "No one make any plans today, okay? I've got something great to show you!" "What is it, Ms. Washu?" Washu threw the princess an evil look. Ayeka cleared her throat. "I mean, what is it, Little Washu?" Washu looked right at Tenchi and grinned. "It's a movie." Tenchi, who had been taking a sip of tea when she said this, spit it up all over the table. "A movie, Little Washu?" he asked with a nervous laugh. "Well, I mean...uh...that is...Do we really have time...for ...er...a movie? I..uh..mean..we have so much to do..." "No we don't," Sasami told him. "Hell, I'm interested," Ryoko said. "Whatcha got, Mom?" LEENA(Washu): Everything under every sun in the universe and quite a few things that aren't. Ayeka and Mihoshi nodded. Washu grinned. "It just came out on video last night." "Who's in it?" Mihoshi asked. "Don't worry, you'll know them." "Uh, Little Washu, perhaps we should talk about this?" Washu ignored him and turned to Sasami. "Sasami, will you fix us some popcorn?" "Sure, Washu." The little princess left her seat and went to the cupboard to fetch some instant popcorn. "Er...Little Washu?" She faced him. "Don't worry, Tenchi, I'm sure everyone will enjoy it." They all assembled in the living room except for Tenchi, who had mentioned something about moving to Madagascar and had run right up to his room to pack. While Washu put the movie in the VCR, Ryoko read the title on the package. "From Jurai With Love?" she asked. "Did you get a Jurain movie, Washu?" She chuckled. "Not quite." They sat down and watched as the music began to play. Something like a camera lens scrolled across the screen, showing a young man in a tuxedo whose face they couldn't quite make out. He stopped and shot the lens. The lens turned red and began to wobble downward. Then it expanded, showing a snowy mountain top. The first scene showed someone snowboarding down the slopes with skiers chasing after him, firing guns at him. The scene ended with the man making it to the safety of a submarine. Just before the scene ended, the girls saw his face for the first time. "That's Tenchi!" they all cried in unison. The screen faded out, to be replaced by an image of an adult Washu in a red evening gown. She began to sing. From Jurai with love, I fly to you Much wiser since my goodbye to you I've travelled the world to learn I must return From Jurai with love. *Jay moves closer to Relena, who snuggles up to him and lays her head on his shoulder at the same time he puts his arm around hers* As Washu sang, the girls read the credits. "Tenchi Masaki as Washu Hakubi's Tenchi Masaki, Double-Oh-Ten in.." Ryoko paused as the name of the movie came up. "From Jurai With Love." I've seen places, faces And smile for a moment But, oh, you haunted me so Still, my tongue-tied, young pride Would not let my love for you show In case you'd say "No" Ryoko crushed a soda can in her hand. "Washu," she growled, "Why is *my* name in these credits?" JAY(holding Relena): Because... YOU are a PUPPET! To Jurai I flew but there and then I suddenly knew you'd care again My running around is through I fly to you From Jurai with loooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeee. TROWA: I think I heard glass break. "Just watch the movie, Little Ryoko." So they watched. Two hours later, Washu raised the remote control. Tenchi and Tsunami were smiling at each other on the bridge. She hit the "stop" button. Ryoko and Ayeka turned to her. "What gave you the right to do that to us?!" Ryoko asked her. LEENA(Washu): Tenchi enjoyed it. "Yes," Ayeka piped up. "How dare you use us for your own amusement?!" "Actually," Washu said, "It wasn't for my amusement. It was for Tenchi's." "Huh?" they all asked. Ryoko blinked. "But, you might've killed him!" "No, I wouldn't have. Yesterday was Tenchi's birthday. This is what I gave him as a present. He *wanted* to have an adventure like this, and I needed you to help make it happen." They all blinked at her in puzzlement. JOK: Then they blinked in wonder, amazement, surprise... LEENA: Shut up, Tadsworth. "That explains the dreams!" Mihoshi cried out. They all sighed. "Of course it does, you scatterbrain," Ayeka told her. Washu went on. "I knew you'd all remember what happened eventually and tell Tenchi about it. He didn't know you were involved. I told him those were computer simulations of you. If he *had* known, he wouldn't have been able to have any fun. That's why I'm telling you now, to head off a guilt trip later. He'd feel horrible if he knew the truth, so I showed this to you. I want you all to promise me that you won't tell him you remember it all. Instead, you should feel happy that you got to be involved with something he loved." RELENA(Cuddled up to Jay): More like they would be happy if they got to be involved with Tenchi period. Ryoko growled. "Well," she said, "I *suppose* I can live with it if *Tenchi* enjoyed himself." Ayeka nodded. "Me too." "I thought it was cool!" Sasami said as she petted Ryo-Ohki in the exact same manner she had done so in the movie. Beside her, Mihoshi nodded. "Good," Washu said with a curt nod. They turned to see Tenchi descending the stairs carrying a suitcase in each hand, his passport was clenched in his teeth. He saw them all staring at him. He spit the passport out. "Uh...how was the movie?" he asked. The girls looked to each other and, as one, cried out, "Happy birthday, Tenchi!" Ryoko dematerialized and reappeared next to him, giving him a hug which caused him to drop the suitcases. JOK(Tenchi as Starscream): ARGH! MY FOOT! Ayeka frowned. "Ryoko! Don't start!" Ryoko flew to Ayeka and stood before the princess. "What do you mean by that?!" While they fought, Sasami gave Tenchi a hug. "Happy birthday Tenchi! You should have told us, I would've made a cake." "Uh..well. I guess I should have, huh?" Mihoshi nodded. "Hey," she said, "Isn't it traditional on this planet that a person has to be spanked on his birthday?!" JAY(Holding Relena): Please, no S&M. The room went dead silent. Ryoko looked at Tenchi and grinned mischievously. Ayeka shot Mihoshi a deadly look. Sasami blinked in confusion. Tenchi's nose started to bleed out of both nostrils. He picked up his suitcases and passport and started toward the door again. As this was happening, Washu had removed the movie and went to her lab. As she closed the door behind her she looked up and saw Tsunami there with a stern look and her hands folded over her chest. Washu began to sweat. "Hey, Tsunami," she said nervously. "Some party last night, huh? You probably don't remember what happened, but you see, you got *really* drunk and..." "I *know* what happened, Washu." ROME(Washu): Oh shit. "Er...you do?" Tsunami nodded. "I am very, *very,* angry at you." JAY(Holding Relena, Washu as Jake Blues): I ran out of gas! I got a flat tire! I didn't have change for cab fare! I lost my tux at the cleaners! I locked my keys in the car! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD! Washu sighed. "I know. I should've asked first if I could use your mind pattern, but.." "I'm not angry about that." "Huh?" Tsunami took a breath. "I was aware of what was happening the entire time, Washu." Washu blinked. "You were?" "Yes. Did you honestly think you could suppress *my* mind? I was just playing along. I knew what you were doing for Tenchi, and I wanted to do my part. Had you asked the others, they would've done the same." "So...what are you angry about?" The goddess nodded at the tape. "Put it in." Washu blinked again, then put the tape in her multimedia player. She pressed play. Tenchi and Dr. Tsunami appeared, standing on the bridge. They smiled at each other, then Tenchi leaned forward and kissed her. The screen went black and the credits began to roll. Washu had deliberately stopped the movie a little early back in the living room because she didn't want Ryoko and Ayeka holding the kiss against Tenchi. She thought it was probably a smart move. However, she still didn't see what Tsunami was referring to. "Tsunami, are you offended that Tenchi kissed you? I know people on this planet are pretty anal about what they call sexual harassment, but it was only a kiss." Tsunami growled in annoyance. "That's not why I'm mad!" Washu looked at her in puzzlement. "What then?" Tsunami sighed. "Because!" she cried, "That's where you stopped the movie. That's the point where you disconnected everyone from the fantasy!" Washu blinked in puzzlement. Tsunami growled in irritation that Washu still didn't see the problem. RELENA(Cuddled up to Jay): I think I know what Tsunami means... "You stopped the movie just when it was getting to the *good part!*" ALL(Except for Relena): *Facefault* RELENA(Cuddled up to Jay): I was right. TOM: Now it should say something along the lines of James Bond Will Return. Tenchi Masaki Will Return. TOM: I am goooood. Author's Notes: Okay, okay. I'm *expecting* flames for this one. Send them to the address below. Just try to be gentle, okay? Now, a few comments. Stuff only Bond fans would know. "Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang," is a Japanese nickname for 007. There's even a song at the end of Thunderball where he's referred to thus. The private joke. When Tenchi said he was on, "An all time high," he was making a joke. "All Time High," is the name of the theme song to "Octopussy." The theme song to "From Jurai With Love," is the same as the theme song, "From Russia With Love," performed by Matt Monro. I just replaced the word, "Russia," with "Jurai." In the JB universe, Y and W would be M and Q respectively. I changed them for obvious reasons. _Y_osho and _W_ashu. SIS stands for Secret Intelligence Service. MI6 Don't sue me. Thomas "009" Doscher doscher009@hotmail.com HOAG(PR): AniMSTers' opinions? JAY(STILL Holding Relena): Nice, I've seen crossovers that were choppy and bad, but this blended well. RELENA(Also still cuddled up to Jay): Not bad... TOM: I liked it. ROME: And you say that Washu is the universe's greatest scientist? JOK: Get me out of here. TROWA: .... LEENA: CROW: Ow. [Fic ends] [AniMSTers except Relena and Jay exit the theater.] JAY(Holding Relena): Hoag, would you load vid-file JB06? HOAG(PR): Right, mate! --------------------------------------- Dressed in full dress uniform, Repairer Candidate #05, Rome Lotte, walked past the saluting ranks of her fellow trainees. As she marched she could pick out the faces of Zero Enna and Kizna Towryk among others. When she reached the end of the ranks, she stepped into a shuttle that would take her to the Anime Star. ------------------------------------------ On the bridge, Jay began the prelaunch checks, "Engineering?" Scotty's voice replied over the com, "Aye, Captain." "Navigations?" "Roger," Trowa checked in. "Ops?" "Ready, mate!" Hoag powered up the systems. "Communications?" "All channels available." Jok nodded "Tactical?" "Offensive and defensive active." Leena grinned "Marry me?" Relena sighed, "I already agreed to do that." At that moment Rome stepped onto the bridge, "Reporting for duty, sir." "Take the science station. Science?" "Ready." "Mr. Barton, take us out." The Anime Star pulled away from GOA and jumped... ______________________________________________________________________________ I dare ANYONE to make a crossover of Tenchi Muyo and ReBoot where Mainframe is Washu's computer. But the question is, why? The answer is, I needed a break from Weber-san and requests. "It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it!" -- The Blues Brothers. Responses to turbomagnus@excite.com as usual. Whiplash: "...Masaki, Tenchi Masaki," he introduced himself. "And you, Miss..." RELENA(Mihoshi as Pussy Galore from Goldfinger): Pussy Galore. JAY(Tenchi as Bond): You certainly are.