____________________________________________________________ Tenchi characters copyright AIC/Pioneer. MST3k copyright Best Brains, Inc. Gundam Wing, Outlaw Star, Cowboy Bebop and Gundam: 08th MS Team and their characters are copyright Sunrise / TV Asahi. Anything else copyrighted is credited to the original creators (so we won't have great fines we can't afford for copyright violations OR flames by the authors of the fics we're MSTing). All fics are MSTed with permission. ____________________________________________________________ On with the show... ____________________________________________________________ The crew for the Winner Queen are: Timothy Turner: The Aisha Clan-Clan freak... Mark Rothlisberger: The only sane one of the bunch... Gene Starwind: ...an idiot... Spike Spiegel: One smooth-talking hombre... ____________________________________________________________ Voyages of the Winner Queen Theme sung to the MST3K theme of later seasons such as Season 10 original theme. Original theme copyrighted Best Brains, Inc. Some original lyrics have been incorporated and are not ours. Some lyrics are small modifications of the original lyrics and are not ours. We do not own the theme song and are not making money off these MSTS. REPEAT: WE DO NOT OWN THIS THEME SONG! WE ARE NOT MAKING MONEY OFF THESE MSTS! WE ARE HOPELESSY OBSESSED WITH MST3K AND ARE DOING THIS TO FUFILL OUR PATHETIC LIVES! SO THERE! ____________________________________________________________ (chourus sings) In the anime dimension, Somewhere in outer space. A group of losers who said too much Are stuck at Quatre's place. Mr. Winnner has made himself a pledge, After he was pushed beyond the edge. The Gundam pilot laughs in glee And carries out his plan of insanity!!! (Quatre: I'll break you!!!) Quatre: (singing) I'll send them cheesy fanfics The worst I can find! (Quatre's minions singing) La-la-la! They'll have to sit and watch them all, 'caust I'm unkind! (Quatre's minions singing) La-la-la! (chorus sings) They'll travel around the galaxy And see all kinds of peeps They'll fight to keep their sanity, and this time it's for keeps! LOSER ROLL-CALL!: TIM! Tim: It's mayhem time! SPIKE! Spike: Let's jam! MARK! Mark: Let's get this show on the road! AND GEEEEEEEENE! Gene: Let's goooooooo! (chorus sings) If you're wondering how you can watch Something you can read, (Quatre's minions singing) La-la-la! Just remember you can use you're mind So let it take the lead, for Voyages of the Winner Queen! 1...2...3...4...5...6...7... _________________________________________________________ ::we see the main living area and Mark is walking in reading a book:: Mark: ::finally noticing the viewers:: Oh hey there everybody. Quatre finally gave us a break and everyones asleep. I thought I'd pass the time to read this book called "Magic For Dummies" I figure if I learn how to do this stuff, I could get us back to Earth. ::Gene comes into the living area, barely awake:: Mark: Gene, come here a minute. I need a subject to test this magic stuff on. Gene: ::still barely awake:: ...allright..::snores:: Mark: Ok...here goes nothing. ADFIAOGLJFLKFHGGUHAGABLE!!! ::Gene turns into a toaster:: Toaster Gene: HEY! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!? TURN ME BACK NOW!!! Mark: Ok...glad to know it works. ALABABUABFLFHGYALKGUABALE!!! ::Gene turns back to his normal self:: ::Tim walks in:: Tim: Hey, what's with the pink smoke? Mark: I'm learning magic...watch this...hold still Gene. Gene: Not again... Mark: ADFIAOGLJFLKFHGGUHAGABLE!!! ::Gene turns into a toaster again:: Tim: Cool! Can you turn him back too? Mark: Sure...ALABABUABFLFHGYALKGUABALE!!! ::Gene turns back to his normal self:: Gene: That's really starting to piss me off! ::Spike walks in:: Spike: What's all the racket? Tim: Mark's learning magic. Show him, Mark. Gene: Oh, no you don't... Mark: ADFIAOGLJFLKFHGGUHAGABLE!!! ::Gene turns into...you got it...a toaster:: Spike: That's a neat trick. Can you reverse it? Mark: Sure can...ALABABUABFLFHGYALKGUABALE!!! ::Gene turns back to his normal self:: Gene: Grrrr....If I had a Caster shell on me...you would be dead. ::Quatre shows up on the big screen:: Quatre: I don't have time for the usual crap so I'll get to the point. Duo has been kidnapped by another MSTer. I've tracked his location but its going to take a while to get there. So in the meantime, I have a fic for you to watch. It's called Pirate Club. Have fun! 1...2...3...4...5...6...7... ______________________________________________________________ >Pirate Club Mark: Where everyone goes to make weak and puny people walk off the plank! >by Aaron Bastin - kakapo101@hotmail.com Tim: ::Imitating monkey.:: Ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, kakakakapopopopo! >synopsis: Crossover fic combining Tenchi and Fight Club All: Thank the Lord! No lemon! >Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo! belongs to other people. So does Fight Club. >Please don't sue me. I's funny. Spike: That did not make sense to me. Was he saying that "It's funny", "I'm funny" or what? Gene: Only the author knows. >Pirate Club Tim: The first rule about Pirate Club is that you say the title twice! Spike: The second rule about Pirate Club is that you say the title twice! >People are always asking me if I know the space pirate Ryoko. Mark: I know somebody who knows somebody that knows Ryoko. Does that count? >"Three minutes," she says, checking the ship's chronometer. "Any words to >mark the occasion?" Mark: Note to self, make a note to self every three minutes. >"Nhhhh," I say. With an energy blade half an inch from your lips you speak >only in whispers. >"Sorry?" she says, moving it away. Gene: (as whoever it is) I said "Nhhh!" Clear enough for you?!?!?!?!?! >"I cannot think of anything." Tim: Not after hitting that smack you can't. >"Things are getting exciting now," she sighs, walking to the porthole. Spike: Any second that porthole will blow and the fic will be over. Mark: Spike, the chances of that happening are nil. >Below, Jurai's massive shipyard twinkles, hanging in the darkness. >In about two and a half minutes plasmitic explosives will go off, detonating >the reactors and destroying the entire facility. I know this, because Ryoko >knows this. Gene: Is this some kind of Buddhist thing? Knowing what another one knows? Spike: I really have no idea. >For a second I forget about everything that's happened and wonder if that >light sword gives off any dangerous radiation. Mark: Actually it's a bar of plutonium. >And then I realize...Ryoko, the sword, the plasmitic charges...this all had >something to do with a man called Tenchi Masaki. Gene: What doesn't have to do with Tenchi Masaki? ------ Tim: Incoming!!!! We've got incoming lines! >Sasami clung to my shoulder, crying. "We're still Jurians, aren't we?" she >sniffled. Gene: (as Sasami) You're breaking up with me?!? >"Yes. We're Jurians. Jurians is what we are." Mark: "We are life forms from planet Jurai. We all come from that heap of dirt called Jurai. We are of the nation Jurai. Imperial Juraian..." Spike: That's enough. >She was a minor Jurian noble, like me, trying to escape the mindless grind >of life at court. Tim: A princess is MINOR nobility? I don't think so! >She wrapped her arms around me, sighing. "It's okay. You cry now. You'll >feel better." Spike: "It's not like I meant to put all those scorpions in your bed." >No, wait. Let me start earlier. Gene: You better. I have no idea what's going on. ------ Spike: This is like that bounty hunt on Mars that one time. All the bullets were flying, man. >Like so many others, I had become a slave to the fawning, preening hordes Spike: The hellspawn. >that thrived in Jurai's royal court. >You stop paying attention to anything but the millions of little intrigues >that go on under the polite surface. Nothing's real...everything is a mask, >covering a mask, covering a mask. Mark: Covering more masks! >"No," said the Tsunamic preist hearing my confession, "you can't die of >boredom." Tim: You can die of no sex or porn, though. >"Listen," I told him, "I cannot bear any more. Can you not do anything for >me?" Tim (as lady): Anything at all in the whole wide world!? >"I'm afraid not, my Lady." Tim: Really? Gene: (as Tsunamic priest) I'm sorry but I stopped trafficing drugs a long time ago. Tim: Juggling acts? Gene: No. Tim: Babysitting? Gene: (sounding a little more annoyed) No... Tim: Smuggling? Gene: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO!!!!!!!!! >"I am going insane, do you understand that?" I shrilled. Mark: (as lady) Look! I'm mutilating myself now! ::Pulls out a paper towel and somehow tries to impress it upon everyone that it is a knife.:: >He sighed. "You want to see insane? Fly over to sector four, Sol system, and take a look at the primitives that live there. THAT'S insane." ------ Mark: Limbo. How low can you go? >I became addicted. Gene: Man. Movies are drug ads nowadays. >More and more I shirked my duties to hang around on that low-tech little >planet, hobnobbing with the pathetically short-lived natives. It was there >that I met Sasami, Spike: I know where this is going. Lemon... Everyone else: SHUT UP!!!!!!! >who was there for similar purposes. I cried, she cried, Mark: We all cried like the little sissies we were. >I could go back to the courtship feeling refreshed. Spike: See? This is... Mark: (emphasizing) SHUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!! >Saplings aren't this content. Tim: I didn't know trees had emotions. Gene: There is an inanimate object that has feelings. Tim: Really? Gene: ::Holds up a box of powdered bleach.:: The sun. Tim: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! >And he...ruined...EVERYTHING. Spike: Sat around and watched TV all day. Lazy bastard. >Tenchi. If I ever discover a black hole, I'll name it Tenchi. >He was a native, Tim: Shooting blowdarts into exploring foreigners. >perfectly content to work, farming carrots and helping his >grandfather >tend the shrine. No longer could I feel superior to them, no >longer could I find refuge on Earth. His contentment exposed my All: WHOO-HOO!!!!!!!!!!! >distress. All: AWWWWWWWW, MAN!!! Gene: Can we compromise and make distress "undress"? 7...6...5...4...3...2...1.. _____________________________________ ::in the lobby:: Mark: (still reading book)...how to turn people into bowling pins. Tim: You're still at this magic stuff? Mark: Yeah...I learned a new trick...Gene? Gene: Oh shit! (starts to run) Mark: GURENJVHUSAVURNVOISH!!! ::Gene turns into a bowling pin:: Gene: (angry) YOU ARE SO DEAD YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::Spike comes in:: Spike: Oh wow...Quatre gave us a bowling set...I sure am glad that I got my bowling ball from the BeBop before it left. ::Spike rolls the ball on the floor and hits Bowling Pin Gene:: Tim: STRIKE!!! Mark: Ok...I think I better change him back. Gene: That would be a wise decision! Mark: ZNJHGKJSGNFDKJSFNGSAO!!! ::Gene turns back into normal self:: ::Quatre appears on the big screen:: Quatre: We're making a pit stop at Tenrei. We need to refuel the ship and I'm going to let Gene get some Caster Shells. We may need them. Gene: You're actually trusting me with that? Quatre: I'll send Rashid with you. He has his own Caster Gun and will be able to defend himself if you try and escape. Gene: Crap! Quatre: We still have some time before we arrive at Tenrei... GET IN THERE AND FINISH WATCHING THAT FIC!!! ::alarm goes off and starts flashing BAD FANFIC ALERT!!!:: Tim: WE'VE GOT BAD FANFIC ALERT!!! Mark: WHAT?! WHAT DID YOU SAY?! Gene: I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING! Spike: THIS IS WORSE THAT THAT EPISODE 'HEAVY METAL QUEEN'!!! 7...6...5...4...3...2...1... _________________________________________________________________ >Once again, I was unable to concentrate, unable to cry, unable >to sleep. Mark: Wow. So she didn't take a shit either? Spike: Damn. I hope the Tsunamic priest offered her the name of a good proctologist. ------ Mark: What the hell is it with the author's use of lines? >It must have been Startica. Tim: Maybe it's Maybeline. >She was wearing her powder blue kimono. Gene: Just the color of this! ::Moves the powdered bleach box toward Tim.:: Tim: NO MORE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!! AUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! >"It's time for another round of marriage meetings, dear." Tim: I'm your divorce counselor. Right behind you dear! >You wake up on Mollidon. Spike: Never heard of that place. >You wake up on Danitan. Gene: O_O Whatever. >Everything becomes a blur. Spike: That's called a hangover. Gene: I know that all too well. >If you woke up at a different time, on a different planet, Spike: You would need to drink down prairie oysters all the time. >could you wake up as a different person? Gene: You could wake up with a different person with you in bed every morning. ::Nosebleed.:: Does that count? >I was a princess, Tim: Suuuuuure you were. >doing the rounds of all planets of major power in the galaxy, >looking for a decent marriage of alliance. Mark: Aeka wasn't out to commit incest with Tenchi? Wow! >You work out X, how advantageous a marriage would be, and Y, >how miserable you'd be in a loveless marriage to some foppish >lordling from whatever backwater planet you happen to be on. Tim: If marriage is like math then count me out. >Also taking into account Q, which is how dangerous he'd be >if he got his hands on any real political power. Gene: Like Bill Clinton? > "So if X outweighs Y and Q...you marry him." Spike: What about A or S or P of Q Mark: SHUT UP!!!! > The woman sitting next to me blinked owlishly. Tim: She was quite a hooter, too. Spike: ::Mallets Tim.:: >"Do you go to many of these meetings?" Mark: (a la Monty Python) Are you a goer? Nudge nudge Wink wink. Know what I mean? Say no more! >"More than you can imagine." Spike: I can arrest Aeka for prostituion. Mark: Aeka's secret life that we never knew. >She frowned. "What empire are you a princess of?" Gene: Uuuuuum. Playboy Empire? Mark: ::Summoning mallet.:: HGPIUGIUHGIUHLIYUIY!!!!!! ::A giant mallet hits Gene on the head.:: Gene: :B DUHDUHDUDUHDUHDUHDDEEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!!!1 >"A major one." Spike: Oooooo. A major one! I'll certainly know where to look that empire up because there are SEVERAL MAJOR empires in this galaxy!!! >I used to pray for an accident in hyperspace. All: We do, too. Believe us... >An attack by Tokimi cultists. All: -.- That line totally sucked. >Anything. Tim: I hope the film breaks again. >I must have fallen asleep. Mark: And never woke up. The end. >When I woke up there was a new woman sitting next to me, >reading the space-liner's safety card. Gene: In case of an accident place your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye. >"Safety procedures. In the vaccum of space. All: ::Cheerfully:: SURE!!!!!!!! >Yeah, right," she snorted. Spike: Some bounty hunters must not be doing their jobs. >She was exotic looking, All: DUHDUHDUHDUHDUHDDER! >golden cat's eyes Tim: Almost like Aisha. ::Drools.:: Mark: HGIOJHGYIUYTGKHIUGJIUHIU!!!!!!!! ::Tim gets shocked by 2,000,000 volts of lightning.:: ::Tim shakes involuntarily.:: >and spiked blue-green hair. I smiled, faintly. All: "The sun will come out...tomorrow!" >"So...what do you do?" >"Do?" >"For a living." >She smiled, slowly. "Why? So you can pretend to be offended, >call me a woman of loose morals?" Gene: (as Aeka) Why...yes! >"As you wish," I said, looking away. I heard her low laugh. >"Okay. You have a certain sick, desperate look to you." Spike: I guess this is Shin Tenchi Muyo. Mark: Why is that? Spike: Aeka's desperate. Mark: Yeah? Gene: But what's your point? She's desperate in all the Tenchi universes! Spike: But she looks like a whore in Shin Tenchi Muyo! >She pulled a card from her cleavage. All: ::Staring.:: >"Pirate," she said. Mark: I also dress up as a clown for birthday parties. >"Hmm?" Gene: Aeka really needs to get out more. >"I'm a space pirate. Mark: Hmm? >Theft, terrorism, All: BOOOOOOOO!!!!!! HISS!!!!!!!! BOOOO!!!!! STOP THE FILM!!!!!! ::Quatre stops the film.:: Quatre: What is it? Gene: The film says the "T" word! BOOOOO!!!! Quatre: I get it. Out of respect for the victims of the recent tragedy the "T" word will be deleted from the rest of this fic. All: THANK YOU!!!! >that sort of thing." Tim: Which thing? >"...(deleted word)?" >"Hallmark of civilization," she grinned. Tim: Prostitution dates back to the most ancient of times. It has satisfied businessmen and politicians for millenia! >"Did you know that the mining planet Ecritore has only one warship >assigned to guard its space?" Spike: Gee. I guess a whole fleet could push the defense over. >"No. Is this true?" Spike: Psyche! I really fooled you didn't I? >"That's right. Mark: I'm just messing with you. >One can destroy and steal an incredible amount of royal property >without ever being caught or causing loss of life." Spike: What about Sasami when you tried to steal Tsunami for Kagato? >"Really?" I squeaked. Mark: Since when was Aeka a rat? >"If one were so inclined." Gene: They'd do their homework. >And that's how I met her. Tim: Mrs. Right... >"Ryoko," I said, reading the card. Gene: Pirate and prostitute. ------ Mark: Sign on the dotted line please... >Allow me to tell you a little about Ryoko. Tim: After what the card said I don't think I want to know anything else. >In addition to her 'work' as a pirate, she made money by teleporting >goods from planet to planet, smuggling. > ( "We in the industry call it 'blipping'." ) Spike: That's where we bleep out nasty words for primetime network television. >She'd pick up the package, All: AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Mark: ::Makes muffled vomiting noises.:: >whatever it was, teleport to the designated spot, and disappear again. Gene: We never get to see poor Ryoko. > ( "So why would anyone want this shit job?" ) Mark: If it pays the rent pal it's a job... >Well, it afforded her the opportunity to indulge in her hobby... Tim: I think I'm interested now. >random acts of (deleted word) exhibitionism. She'd do the deliveries naked. All: NAKED!?!?!?!??! WHERE!?!?!?!??! >So when, say, the High Epopt of the Tsunamic church would receive an >important package in his office, along with many of his cardinals, >Ryoko would appear and disappear so fast the image of her body did >not consciously register. You do not know you saw it, but you did. Spike: Off the record, we saw a naked chick. > ( "A nice, huge set of tits." ) All: WHERE?!?!?!?!?!?!? >Blipping. You appear, you disappear, and no one is any the wiser. ------- Mark: AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! MAKE THEM STOP!!!!! Gene: Let's get out of here. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7 ____________________________________________ ::in the living area:: Spike: I'm surprised we actually have a fic that somehow makes sense. Gene: Same here. Tim: Yeah, looks like the only one to suffer from mental trauma is Mark. Mark: ::crying:: TOO MANY PAGE BREAKS!!!! ::cries some more:: ::Melfina brings some coffee to Mark:: Mark: ::hand is shaking as he takes the cup:: Thank you. ::Quatre appears on the big screen:: Quatre: Greetings my hopeless single loser freaks. I am now ready to teleport my first anime victim..er..subject with the use of the Ultra Anime Character Dimension Extractor. Spike: So who's our first contestant? Gene: Yeah...I'm getting tired of having to see the same ugly faces over and over. ::Melfina mallets Gene...HARD!!!!:: Gene:: OW! Melfina!...I wasn't talking about you!!! Melfina: ::sheepishly:: Oops...sorry. Mark: ::as Tweak from South Park...still shaking:: AHH!!!! Quatre: I'll go into the 08th MS Team show and get Aina Sahalin. Mark: ::recovers instanly:: Aina?! Allright!!!! Next to Noin, she's one of the hottest babes in anime!!! Quatre: But I don't have enough power to do this while the fic is still going. So... All: ::boringly:: We know...get back in there and watch it. 7...6...5...4...3...2...1 _____________________________________________ >The one-person transport I was on was a mark three Ono class runabout. Tim: Okay... >It had selenium armor three meters thick, Tim: And that means what to us? >which is important when you're an important dignitary and you want to >avoid scans. Spike: Whatever. >Or, say, when the engine core suddenly melts down, causing you to go >into a death dive towards planet Earth. Gene: That would kind of suck, huh? >These things happen, I suppose. Mark: Shit happens man. >I had put the earlier incident out of my mind. As I crawled from the >wreckage, I felt the hard edges of Ryoko's card in my pocket. Gene: And I thought paper based on hardwood wouldn't survive a crash! >To this day I could not tell you what made me dig it out and look a >second time. Mark: It had blood and shit all over it because it cut a vital vein in my thigh. >The contact address said "The Cave Behind the Masaki Shrine, Earth, >Sol System." Tim: Gee. How many shrines are there on Earth to see!?!? It would take forever to find that cave. >I turned on my short range transmitter. >"Wuh?" came a fuzzy voice. >"Er...hello, Miss Ryoko." >"Just Ryoko. Who the hell is this?" Spike: What a coincidence. Of all the area on Earth she could have possibly landed she landed perfectly in range of Ryoko's den. >"We...met on the spaceliner a week ago. The, uh, desperate woman." Mark: Oh, yeah. Kind of like Taxicab Confessions. >"Oh. Right," she chuckled. "Whatcha do'in?" Gene: Phone sex! I'll be taking off my... Others: AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! ::Bludgeon Gene with pipes and bats.:: >"Well," I said, looking over the twinkling debris of my ship, "you will not >beleive this..." ------ Mark: DAMN IT ALL!!!! WHEN WILL IT ALL END!?!?!?! AAAAAAAAAUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! >Home was a cave leading down into the bowels of the planet. Spike: The planet also had really bad irratable bowel syndrome. Smelled like shit. >There was no furniture, Gene: Single life is the best life. >no heat and no privacy - the only water came from a spring deep >in the cave, Tim: And the water glowed. There was also a sign next to the water that said "Danger: Radioactive Waste" with a picture of a fan-like thingie on the sign, too. >and the only protection from the outside was a rusty sword stuck through a rock. Mark: Unfortunately that didn't keep the salesmen away. >Ryoko graciously extended her hospitality, on one condition. Tim: Your soul is mine! AAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!! >"I want you to come on a raid with me," she said. All: RAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIID?!?!?!?! ::All make an explosion noise.:: Spike: Raid. Kills roaches dead. >"I beg your pardon?" >She grinned, wide and insane. Gene: Ryoko needs some psychologiacal help bad. >"I want you to come on a pirate raid with me," she said, slowly. >"This is madness." Tim: It was a skull and crossbones frenzy! >"That's right!" said Ryoko, hopping up and down, her grin widening. Gene: I WANT TOY NOW!!!!! >In the end she prevailed, and we took her ship up. I should have contacted >Jurai...but I didn't. Spike: (as Aeka) I really didn't want them worrying. >The only prey we found that night was a rusted old wreck in the Corialus >system. Gene: That's not nice. Where would all the homeless people go? >We took turns taking potshots at it with Ryo-Ohki's forward guns, until we >noticed the GP cruiser on the tactical screens. Not intervening, not acting, >just watching. Gene: Voyeurism. >After some time the comm crackled into life. >"Can I be next?" said the Galaxy Police officer. >Ryoko and I looked at each other. A slow grin crept over our faces. >"Sure," said Ryoko. >And that was the start of Pirate Club. ------ Mark: AGRAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! ::Cries.:: >THE RULES OF PIRATE CLUB >1. You do not talk about pirate club. All: Okay. >2. You do NOT TALK ABOUT PIRATE CLUB. Gene: What is this girl? A broken record? Mark: I think we heard you THE FIRST TIME!!!!! >3. Two ships to a raid. Tim: The store only allows two ships in the store at any one time. Shoplifting is on the increase. >4. One raid at a time, guys. Spike: Eating too many raids at one time will make you sick. >5. No ion weapons, no tactical nukes. Gene: Heehee. But you didn't say "No Caster guns" >6. Raids go on as long as they have to. If the target surrenders, >loses life support or jettisons its cargo, the raid is OVER. Spike: Umm. I don't think a helpless ship would voluntarily participate in Pirate Club. Mark: My thoughts exactly. >7. If this is your first night...you have to raid. Tim: -.- Okay. Get on with it. ------ Mark: ::Involuntarily shakes.:: Tim: Somebody better get Mark's mind off those lines quickly. I think we're going to lose him. Mark: ::Shaking.:: I LIKE BOOGERS!!!!!! DUHDUHDUHDUHDUHDDER! >I yawned and stretched, facing the cave entrance and savouring the early >morning light. Last night's dream lingered in my mind, making me smile a >little. Tim: After all that beer she can do that? Gene: Sure can... >I heard soft footsteps behind me. Tim: Beer can make you hear things? Gene: Yeah. After getting an addiction you...::Gets into a semi-intellectual conversation about beer and hallucinations with Tim.:: Mark: ::In a very familiar voice to Spike.:: Hey, Maam. This here's the incline to Heaven. Spike: BIG NO-NO! Mark: It's not like Gren. Spike: SHUT UP!!!!! ::Plugs ears.:: LALALALALA!!!!!! >"I had the oddest dream last night," I said. Gene: Here goes. >"Everything about last night was odd," said a deep male voice behind me. Tim: Aeka sure gets around. >I turned around slowly. Tenchi stood there, wearing a pair of jeans and an >odd smile on his face. Spike: Tenchi happy about sex? That's out of character. >"What...what are you doing here?" Gene: Get out of here or I'll press charges! >The grin vanished. "Wh-what...?" Tim: But what about our relationship? >"Get out!" I shreiked. I was wearing only my sleeping attire at the >moment - I could feel my face flushing as I tried to cover myself. Tim: Aren't you covered already? >"What on Jurai are you staring at? OUT!" Mark: ::Singing.:: Torn between two lovers... >"I...I'm sorry," he stammered, and ran out into the light. >There was a soft hum next to me as Ryoko appeared. "Man, you got some >weird friends. Nice ass, though." Gene: Thanks. Oh, you're talking about Tenchi, aren't you? >I looked at her. Carefully. She was naked, as she often was, and a smug, >satisfied smirk clung to her lips. I knew what had happened before she even >told me. Spike: Sex with Tenchi. Ryoko sure must be desperate. >I sat down, lowered my head to my knees. Tim: Aeka's sick. Gene: (as Aeka) Gonna...vomit. ::PUUUUUUUUKE.:: >"...and then he got - get this - a nosebleed! Ahh," she sighed, >stretching. "But you know what I mean, you jumped him." All: STOP IT! NO SEX WITH TENCHI DESCRIPTION!!! >"I most certainly did NOT!" Tim: Did too. Others: SHUT UP!! >"What, never?" she said, raising an eyebrow. Spike: Never ever? Gene: Never ever, could be better? Mark: If that was to imply what I think it did. I say SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUP! >"I am not a woman of loose morals!" Spike: (as Aeka) Today is opposite day. Oh, yes. Did I mention I'm tired of my life and hallucinating my alter ego? >"All right, all right! Relax, would ya? Just a little fun. Cherry-picking." >Her eyes narrowed. "You're not...y'know...into him, are you?" >"Tsunami, no!" Gene: Liar. >"Good. He's trouble. Behind that sweet little smile of his is a guy who >could wreck you. Get rid of him." Mark: YES! Finally we can watch Tenchi die a horribly painful death! Tim: That's usually not the case. >"What!" >"Listen - it'd be better if the two of you don't talk about me, okay?" Spike: (as Ryoko) I'll act like I'm not even here... >"All...all right." >"I'll hold ya to that," said Ryoko, who waved her finger at me before >vanishing again. Mark: Hallucination terminated. ------ Mark: I...can't...take...much...more...of...THIIIIIIIIIIS! Gene: Calm down, Mark! Mark: ::Begins casting magic spell.:: Mark: IHSAIUFHGASIUFHIAHHHFDSKJ!!!! ::An earthquake shakes the theater room.:: Others: AAAUUUUUUGGGGHHH!!!! ::Lights from the theater ceiling fall on everyone's head, except Mark.:: Others: The pain...ARGH!!! >At about this time people started showing up at the entrance to the cave. Mark: ::Recovered.:: Salesman! Spike: (as Aeka) Ryoko, just spend the money and get a better sword. This sword just doesn't kill people like it used to. >"If the applicant stays outside without food, water, sleep or encouragement >for three days, they're admitted to Operation Blow Shit Up." Ryoko explained. Gene: Yuck. Why stick M-80s in a pile of feces and do that? >"And that is...?" Tim: A literal name for this operation. >Ryoko clucked her tongue, shaking her head and grinning. "The first rule >of OBSU is you don't ask questions, princess," she chuckled, and went out to >terrify Sasami, the first applicant. Tim: I can see Ryoko putting frogs in Sasami's hair and making her hold bugs. Spike: Recruiting standard have really gone down the toilet. Pun intended. >Within a month, we had an army. No one thought to ask what we needed an >army for - in Ryoko we trusted. Gene: That's not good. ::Shakes head.:: Uh-uh. >The cave was cleaned, prettied up. Long range scanners were installed, along >with banks and banks of computer systems. Something was happening, but no one >seemed to know what. Tim: (In the spirit of original MST3k cast) This is when pranks groups had no specific purpose. >Then she disappeared. Gene: The end. >I decided to get very, very drunk. Mark: (narrating) The next morning (switches to Aeka's voice) TENCHI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED!!?!?!?!?!!? >I was relaxing at the cave mouth with my third bottle of sake when I heard >him, his wheezy, wheedling little voice calling out. Spike: Perfect description. >"Ryoko?" Tim: (as Tenchi) I left my chess club jacket here! >He stumbled into the darkness of the cave, saw me. Smiled. Idiot. Spike: Yet another perfect description. >"She's not here." Gene: She hates your guts. >His smile faded. "What?" he said. Gene: (as Tenchi) I don't recall her in bed with us. >I sat up, snarling at him. Tim: Should we repeat our noises? Mark: Why not? Tim: GGRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! Mark: MOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Gene: BAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Spike: HOOOOOOOOOONNNNKKKKKK!!!!!!! >"Ryoko is not here. Ryoko went away. Ryoko gone. Understand?" Tim: Ryoko all gone. Gene: (as Aeka) In other words I killed her. Mark: The "Ryoko gone" phrase sounded like a hillbilly... Spike: Or a total drunk. >His eyes went wide. Tim: (as Tenchi) You're a freak... >He swiftly turned, and left the cave. Spike: (as Aeka) I'll be calling you for child support! I mean, Ryoko will be calling you for child support! >I could see a few of the scratches that she'd left on his back, and I >felt very, very jealous all of a sudden. Tim: This is sickening. What kind of sick stuff is happening to Tenchi? Gene: It's a violent STD called... Tim: Okay. We don't want to know. ::The others back away from Gene with his apparent knowledge of sexual diseases.:: ------ Mark: ::Twitching and preparing to cast a spell.:: Gene: Stop him before casts another spell!!!! ::Too late.:: Mark: HROIQKJWRPOWQJRPOIU!!!!!! ::A giant wall of fire engulfs the theater.:: Others (except Mark protected by magic): AUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!! ::The others are burnt badly.:: Others: Ow. >I decided to find her. Spike: (as Aeka) So I called 1-800-THE-LOST >Ryoko's army was swiftly growing out of control, Tim: That pact with hell sure wasn't the right choice. >nervous without their leader and eyeing me suspiciously. Mark: This isn't going to turn into a lemon rape scene is it? >In the midst of my sake haze I bolted from the cave and leapt aboard the >Ryo-Ohki, heading towards Danitan. Spike: Whatever. Gene: The question is wherever. I don't know where the hell she's talking about. >Was I in a daze? All: Yes. >Had I slept? All: No. >Every place I visited gave me the same unnerving sense of deja-vu. Every planet >I stopped at had an unusual number of ion trails leading from it, every system >reported a strange rise in nonlethal piracy. Spike: Do the math, Einstein. >Days passed in a blur - everywhere I went I found myself hot on her trail. Tim: 500 planets later she gave up. >I knew how Ryoko thought, Tim: She liked pina coladas. Mark: And walking in the rain. >I knew how to find the secret hangars full of pirate vessels, their gun turrets >still warm, plinking as they cooled from white-heat. Mark: Plink? As in Plinko? I love that game on the Price is Right!!! >"They say she's an artificial being, recently released from a subturranean >prison." Mark: I can make all the references to the rumors that Jet got about Edward. Spike: Good for you. I really don't want to hear it. >"They say she can make copies of herself, each with the same power. Is >that true?" Tim: I hear she can talk with the unicorns. Is that true? Mark: I hear she won lots of beer chugging contests. Is that true? Gene: I hear she can bake great pies. Is that true? Spike: I hear she loves pancakes. Is that true? ::All act like children.:: All: IS IT TRUE!? ISITTRUEISITTRUEISITTRUEISITTRUEISITTRUEISITTRUE ISITTRUEISITTRUEISITTRUEISITTRUEISITTRUEISITTRUEISITTRUE!?!?!?!!??!? Mark: ::As old man.:: SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP! >I glared at the two Valentians facing me. Gene: (as Aeka) You two need a life. >"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," I snarled. Gene: (as Aeka) Just take my order, dammit. >"Is it true what they say?" Spike: When will they shut the hell up? They sound like children with ADD. >"Is Ryoko going to attack Jurai?" All: JESUS CHRIST! SHUT YOUR DAMNED TRAPS!!!!! >Had I slept? Tim: Great. Now Aeka has ADD. >Everywhere I got hints, Tim (as a member of Pirate Club): Damn it, lady. I give up. You, woman, are a fucking retard. I have had chimpanzees that can guess better than you. And they can also control their drives to commit incest. Mark: Okay, Tim. We get it. Aeka's dumb. >knew I was close, but no one would admit to having seen her. Spike: I think people that did it with Ryoko wouldn't keep it a secret. >Until Mollidon. Spike: Another place that doesn't exist on the galactic map. >I walked into the low, dark bar, Gene: Watch your head. >pushing my filthy hair from my eyes. I'd been traveling for two weeks straight. Mark: It looks like you didn't bathe for two weeks straight, either. >As I entered, I heard the soft chanting from the back room: Spike: (imitating chanting) All hail Satan, king of the underworld. >"Her name is Kiyone. Her name is Kiyone. Her name..." Tim: What a waste. Kiyone was so fine. Mark: That's a Quatre chosen fic for you. >I shook my head. >"Can I help you, princess?" >I turned towards the bar. There was a white-haired woman polishing a glass >there, studying me evenly. Spike: There's a winner for you. >There was a bandage on her face, but the rest of her body was wrapped in a >voluminous black cloak. Spike: Yep...a real winner. Tim: Nagi can kick Ryoko's ass. So what the hell is up with this fic? >"Have...have we met, miss...?" >"Nagi." She frowned. "Is this a test, m'lady?" Mark: (as Nagi) I didn't study. >"No. This is not a test," I bit out. Tim: Yes it is. It's a test of our sanity. >"When did we meet?" >"One month ago. You were standing right there...wanted to know about >security. Tight as Tsunami's undergarments, princess." Gene: ::Nosebleed.:: How does she know how tight Tsunami's ungergarments are? >"Are...are you sure?" Quatre: Guys. I have to take a dump. Watch the film and suffer. ::The guys ignore the part of the fic and have a conversation.:: -This part of the fic is deleted due the fact we couldn't think of any jokes.- Gene: You guys have any hentai doujinshi of Melfina? Mark: No. Tim: No. Spike: I don't do that kind of thing. Gene: Damn. Tim: You guys want to see who can hit the projection booth with ice from their drinks? Spike: How are we going to do that? Tim: With our straws. Just crunch up the ice and shoot it out like a blowdart Spike: Wicked. Gene: Kickass. Mark: Tim, only someone as insane as you can think of things like this. Tim: ::Crunches up ice and shoots it at the projection booth.:: ::The ice ricochets off the glass of the projection booth.:: Others: Go Tim! ::Spike Shoots his own ice at the projection booth and hits the glass.:: Gene: Lemme try! LEMME TRY! ::Gene crunches his own ice and shoots it. Gene hits a part of the glass and makes a funny image of the fic. This is because water droplets from the ice are left on the glass and refract the image.:: ::All look at the fic and laugh.:: Mark: HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! LOOK! Aeka's eyes are melted into on big eye! Spike: I can make them look uglier than that. Gene: No you can't. Spike: Yes I can. Tim: I can beat both of you. Spike and Gene: YOU'RE ON! Mark: Let the tournament begin!!! Mark: First up we have Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop! He's as deadly with a straw and ice as deadly as he is with a gun!!!!!!! ::Imitates crowd cheering.:: Spike: ::Crunches his ice. After a deep breath he shoots it, hitting the glass smack in the middle.:: Mark: Look! Tenchi has a weird looking leg in that Aeka recall scene! Tim: That's not a leg, it's... All: ::Pause.:: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!! Gene: ::Pukes up lunch.:: Mark: Anyway. Next up is Tim Turner. He's a nutty guy from Texas that loves to eat bleach and hallucinate. He also came up with the idea for this contest. So let's hear it for Tim! ::Imitates crowd cheering.:: Tim: Thank you! I like Aisha! Mark: Whatever. Just shoot your ice! Tim: ::Shoots his ice and hits the projection booth.:: Mark: A stunning shot with a really weird looking sun in it! Tim: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Gene: ::Shaping the ice to fit his straw and REALLY shoot out..:: Mark: Next up is Gene Starwind! He's from Sentinnel III but a native of planet Earth! He also has a fine chick and a bitchin' ship to boot! Let's hear it for Gene Starwind! ::Imitates crowd cheering.:: Gene: EAT THIS!!!! ::Blows real hard on his straw and BREAKS the glass on the projection booth.:: All: O_O;; OH SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! ::Quatre can be heard now that the glass is broken.:: Quatre: Man. Do I have the Hershey squirts. Spike: ::Chuckles.:: Quatre: ::Straining voice.:: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT! ::The sound of Quatre relieving himself sounds loudly throughout the theater.:: All: ::Laughing.:: Quatre: I heard...DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!!!!!!!!!!! ::The sound intensifies.:: All: ::Laughing harder.:: Tim: ::Crying with laughter.:: What the hell? This is fucking comedy! Mark: What the hell did he eat last night? Gene: This is new. Spike: ::Snickering.:: Quatre: No more toilet paper!?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! All: ::Finish their laughing as the toilet flushes.:: Quatre: Who broke the glass? All: ::Whistle.:: Quatre: Never mind. You guys didn't hear anything did you? I think the ship needs repairs. Spike: Heheheheheheeeeeeh. Wwwwwwwipeout! Tim: Shut up! Quatre: I get that! So your punishment will be to watch all the fics we've seen up to date. Others: THANKS, SPIKE! Spike: Oops... ::The fic continues.:: ------- Mark: RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Spike: GET HIM!!!!!! ::Again, too late.:: Mark: OIJHEWFAOIHOWIEHURWOQQEU!!! ::A tornado appears and swirls the others around the theater. The others bump into the walls and other objects.:: Others: AAUUUGH. Make it stop. The pain... >It's called blipping. You appear and disappear, and no one knows it. Mark: Make the F*BLEEP*ING LINES STOP! AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! ------- Mark: AND NOW FOR THE GRAND FINALE!!!! AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAA!! Tim: Mark. Calm down. It's just a bunch of lines... Take it easy. Mark: NO! Gene: Don't let Quatre break you. Mark: NOOO! Spike: I'll hook you up with Faye if you calm down. Mark: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! AHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAAAAAA!!!!! Mark: OJHFWOIHFRHRWOPIWQUYROPJIGDASFDJLKSAES!!!!! ::A HUGE ASS tsunami builds up in the theater and begins to rumble toward the MSTers.:: Others: ::Begin to cry.:: Tim: What did I do to *sniff* deserve this? Gene: *Sniffle* I promise I won't buy anymore porn. Spike: ::Lights a cigarette.:: Quatre: Nature calls again. I shouldn't have eaten all those beans. ::The MSTers start jabbering while the fic is going:: -Due to stuff that's unMSTable to us again we decided to delete this part. To the author, no disrespect is intened. We hope you will understand.- Mark: Hey! I got a few quesions about anime that have me stumped. Gene: Shoot. Mark: The first question is...In Poke`Mon, where does Team Rocket go when they 'blast off'? Spike: Good question. I've been wondering that myself. Gene: I got another question...Who the hell is Team Rocket? Spike: They're a couple of bad guy rejects that give villians like Vicious, Frieza, Vegeta, and Hazanko a bad name. Gene: Ah. I see. Tim: I KNOW!!! I KNOW!!! They go to land of pink bunnies and where everything spontainiously combusts!!! Mark, Gene, and Spike: LAY OFF THE BLEACH, TIM!!! ::the fic goes on:: Mark: Question number 2...Gene?...What the heck is that stuff that Melfina is dipped in that let's her activate the Outlaw Star? I know its not water so what is it? And how when she gets out, how does she dry off so fast? Gene: hmm...Well its...You see its like...well, shit...I don't have a clue. MELFINA?! Melfina: Yes, Gene? Gene: You know your tube on the Outlaw Star? What is that water-like stuff its filled with? Melfina: You got me...I don't even know. ::the fic is still going:: Mark: And finally, question numero 3...In The Big O, if everyone has lost their memory, how can R. Dorothy be built? How can people even know about a Megadeus? Spike: (as Roger Smith...his English voice is Roger Smith anyway) Humans are adaptable creatures...if they can figure out how electricity works, they can still have something that resembles a normal life... Mark: That still doesn't answer my question. Tim: I KNOW!!! I KNOW!!! They were abducted by aliens and they had some brain surgery along with an anal probe!!! Gene: Tim...What do aliens and an anal probe have to do with any of this? Tim: umm....I don't know. ::Quatre gets back from the bathroom:: Quatre: Ahh...much better. Spike? Remind me never to let you cook any more. The bell peppers and beef was not a good combination. Spike: Ok...I'll remember that. ::snickers at the fact that he put Ex-Lax in the beef:: Quatre: This fic is almost over...the punishment is about done with. > "You met me at an odd time in my career as a princess," I say, and take his >hand in mine. Together we watch as a new sun burns for us. >END All: Thank you. >AUTHOR'S COMMENTS: Don't ask me. Gene: I didn't write this fic. Oh, wait, I did. Never mind. WAIT, NO! I TAKE IT BACK! >I've gone for 35 hours without sleep now, Tim: There's the problem right there. Mark: It's not like I killed anyone in my period of sleep deprivation. NO, WAIT! I DID! NO, I DIDN'T!!!! >so I refuse to take responsibility for this. Spike: So why is your name on there? >Hope you liked it. All: Thank you for not writing a Sasami sex scene! >I'm at kakapo101@hotmail.com. Tim: ::Imitating monkey again.:: Ooo,ooo,ooo,kakakakapopopopopo! >Cheers. All: To dead body parts, we mean, great fics! _________________________________________________________ 1...2...3...4...5...6...7... Gene: Now I'm immpressed. One of Quatre's fics that actually made sense. Quatre: ::On the big screen:: Don't get used to it. It's just this one time. This is an emergency and I couldn't find a more disturbing one. Tim: What emergency? Quatre: Someone kidnapped Duo and we need this ship cleaned up. Spike: What do you mean someone kidnapped Duo? Quatre: Another MSTer. She teleported him off this ship and using him as a crew member for another ship. That's why we're going to Tenrei to get some armorments. Spike: What kind of weapons does this ship have? Quatre: ::looking nervous::...weapons? All the MSTers: ::facefault and fall down anime style:: Gene: You mean to tell me that you let this ship leave orbit, flying into the unknown reaches of the galaxy... Gilliam: ::interrupting Gene:: And in the middle of Kei Pirate territory. Gene: ...without having any kinds of weapons on this ship??? ::Mark comes into the living area wearing a tuxedo:: Gene: What's with the fancy get-up? Mark: You expect me to meet one of the hottest women in anime wearing clotes that make me look like a homeless person? Quatre: Speaking of which... Spike: Uh-oh... Gene: Here we go... Tim: It's mayhem time... Mark: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!!!!!! Quatre: Prepare yourselves for the arrival of our first guest... ::Quatre pushes a couple of buttons on his console:: Quatre: This lady comes from the Gundam universe in the year U.C. 0079. She's the pilot of the mobile armor Apsalus. A machine that can beat a Zaku to its knees and take out a Gundam while it's at it. She's smart...she's beautiful... no drooling Mark... Mark: ::wipes mouth:: Sorry... Quatre: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you...Aina Sahalin!!! ::a horizontal portal opens up in the middile of the living area:: Quatre: Wait a miniute!!!!.... ::too late...Aina falls throuh the portal. She's half covered with a towel:: Quarte:: I forgot to tell you...she just got out of the shower. Aina: AAAHHH!!!! WHERE THE HELL AM I?! ::Gene sticks out his tounge and stares, Spike just turns around, and Mark faints:: Tim: DUHDUHDUHDUHDUHDUHDUHDUHRRRRRRRRRRRR ::gets a powerful nosebleed that shoots him across the room and into the bulkhead.:: Quatre: Oh well...see you next time. ::The others walk into the snack bar.:: Tim: I'm hungry. What's for dinner tonight, Spike? Spike: >) Bell peppers and beef. THE END _______________________________________________________________________ Next episode: Shootout on Tenrei!!!! See what comic mischief awaits our hereoes on the next episode of "Voyages of the Winner Queen"! Note: Our original plans to have a comic scene on Tenrei this episode were scratched to to a MST war challenge. Find the series with the words "Warrior King."