From: "Paul Arezina" To: "Fanfic Mailing List" Cc: "The Eternal Lost Lurker" Subject: [FFML] [More series than you can shake a stick at] [$P@MFIC$] Falconar's Adfic Anthology Date: Fri, 22 May 1998 16:07:50 -0400 Wait! Don't hit that delete key! This isn't just another adfic... It's *26* adfics, all wrapped up in one package for your comedic convenience, and each one a G. Falconar original work. I put as much time into these as you would into a story of equivalent length (this is 70 KB as a text file), and I'd appreciate it if those of you who've tossed my past adfics aside would read... and laugh a little, maybe. Comments and criticism are welcome and very much encouraged... particularly if you see fit to MiST this. And for those of you who have read and sent C&C, thank you. This anthology contains, not only the 21 adfics I previously sent to the mailing list, but four which have never been seen before, and one which will serve as a sort of grand finale. Read and enjoy. General disclaimers: Ranma 1/2, Urusei Yatsura, El-Hazard, Tenchi Muyo!, Sailor Moon, Bubblegum Crisis, Evangelion, Dragon Ball, Kimagure Orange Road, Oh My Goddess!, Slayers, Final Fantasy VII, Sonic the Hedgehog, Project A-Ko, All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku, and all fanfiction series are all copyrights of their respective creators and all distributors of their work, and any reference to the characters and situations contained therein is unsanctioned and done without permission. All commercials and proprietary characters used below are trademarks and copyrights of the corporations and advertising agencies which created them, and any use is unsanctioned and without permission. These adfics are not to be taken as endorsements of the products they contain and/or parody, and no monetary compensation was received or is desired for their writing and distribution. Camera directions are in []. As if you needed to hear that again. It's time for a word from our sponsor... ***** [We open on an exterior shot of the Tendo Dojo. A Japanese remix of Cajun music is playing. (Just download a Cajun MIDI and tweak your mixer to instruments 106 through 110 or so. Neat effect.) The camera zooms inside, with Ranma seated apprehensively at the dinner table. Akane comes out of the kitchen, clothes covered with a mixture of grease and soot, face almost solid black, hair charred... it ain't pretty. She sets down a covered platter before Ranma.] James Earl Jones (offscreen): You eat... [Akane lifts the cover to reveal... a gelatinous blob which vaguely resembles curry. It's burnt.] J.E.J. (o.s.): ...food. [Ranma looks at the camera with a look on his face which quite plainly says "THIS is FOOD?!"] [Cut to the grounds of Graviton High. A-ko and C-ko are seated under a tree; B-ko is a few meters away, in the cockpit of a completely scrapped mech which is resting on the charred earth of a fairly large impact crater. There's a light sheen of sweat on A-ko's forehead. C-ko takes a bento from her backpack and offers it to A-ko, who hesitantly accepts.] J.E.J. (o.s.): You get... [C-ko flashes her best kawaii smile at A-ko, who raises a chunk of beef from the box to her mouth, chews, and swallows. Her eyes go wide.] J.E.J. (o.s.): ...heartburn. [A-ko tilts her head back, opens her mouth, and screams. A forty-foot lance of flame erupts from her mouth, burning most of the leaves off the tree. The tree is now a smoking ruin of its former self.] [Cut to the interior of Mamoru Chiba's apartment. He has a distinctly pained look on his face, and there is smoke billowing from what we can only assume to be the kitchen. Usagi pokes her head through the kitchen's doorway... she's laughing nervously.] J.E.J. (o.s.): You take... [The shot sort of swings aside... we were actually looking at the mirrored front of his medicine cabinet, which is now opening.] J.E.J. (o.s.): ...Maalox. [Sure enough, there's a bottle of the stuff inside the cabinet. A very large bottle, accompanied by a very large spoon, on its own shelf. Mamoru grabs both of them, and the door to the cabinet closes.] [Cut back to the Tendo Dojo. Ranma's sitting at the table with an empty plate in front of him, and is looking a bit green. He somehow manages to force a smile, and Akane smiles back, her eyes welling up with tears.] J.E.J. (o.s.): Life... [Cut back to the courtyard of Graviton High. There are wisps of smoke coming from A-ko's mouth, but she's otherwise OK. B-ko's mech struggles to its feet and staggers toward A-ko. A-ko turns, sees the mech coming, and burps out a slightly smaller tongue of flame. It melts through the mech's knee joint, and the mech collapses back into the crater. C-ko flashes a smile again, and hugs A-ko, who grins nervously.] J.E.J. (o.s.): ...is... [Cut back to Mamoru's apartment. He and Usagi are seated on a couch... and there's still a faint haze of smoke in the air. They're watching a late-night monster movie. The movie's music builds to a crescendo, and Usagi screams and hugs Mamoru. He winces a bit from the pain, but manages to smile.] J.E.J. (o.s.): ...goooooood. [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a full-screen steel placard, with strange runes carved into it.] Aeka (v.o.): How to speak Juraian. [Cut to a shot of Tsunami in spaceship form. The ship streaks through space, and the camera pans along its length, and then around it to reveal that it (or should I say she) is heading straight for a massive asteroid field. The external weapons systems charge, visibly, and we see Tsunami tearing through the asteroid field and basically blowing apart everything in her path and a few things that aren't. Before too long, the ship is engulfed by explosions. It emerges on the other side of the asteroid field trailing a few wisps of debris, which quickly trail off. The asteroid field has been reduced to gravel. A glowing set of runes appear at the bottom of the screen.] Aeka (v.o.): Tree. [Cut to a shot of the living room of the Masaki household. Ryoko is sprawled on the couch, one arm over her eyes, sleeping. A bottle slips from her hand and rolls a few feet, to be stopped by Aeka's boot. She picks up the bottle and shakes her head disapprovingly.] Aeka: Beer. [Zoom in on the bottle's label.] Aeka (v.o.): Masaki's. Juraian for beer. [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a shot of the Tendo living room. Ranma is lounging on the couch, and there's no sign of anyone else in the house. The shojis leading outside are open to let a breeze in... and something else. A little gray kitten trots in and gives a plaintive 'mew'. Ranma leaps up from the couch and stares at the kitten, fear in his eyes. He begins backing away.] Ranma: Nice k...k...kitty. Good k...k...kitty. [The kitten mews again and begins walking toward Ranma, who backs away, knocking over a chair and a table in the process. He manages to catch the vase that was on the table and set it down on the carpet. The kitten continues walking toward Ranma, whose eyes go wide. He bolts.] Ranma (thoughts): The kitchen... if there's enough time... [Ranma races into the kitchen, fumbles through a cupboard, and grabs a pale gray china bowl. He sets it down on the kitchen floor and opens the refrigerator. The kitten, meanwhile, has taken a few hesitant steps and is peeking around the corner of the kitchen.] [Ranma shuts the refrigerator door, a carton of milk clenched in one hand. He leans over the bowl, tips the carton... and a sum total of three drops come out. The kitten, meanwhile, has caught sight of the carton and is racing toward the bowl. As Ranma turns to search through the refrigerator again, the kitten tries to brake itself on the smooth floor but succeeds only in sliding into Ranma's leg.] Ranma: C...c...c...c... [Fade to a familiar white-on-black placard, over which we hear Ranma's neko-yowl.] Announcer (v.o.): Got milk? [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a shot of a familiar orange-diffusing-to-brown placard, with bright yellow letters which should also be familiar.] CAPTION (and announcer v.o., whispered): How champion kendoist Kuno Tatewaki eats a Reese's peanut butter cup. [Cut to a shot of Kuno, with a spotlight illuminating his figure. The rest is blackness, and all we can see in the shot is his torso. His head shifts right, as if he is talking to someone.] Kuno: Oh, my ruffled-edged goddess. Thy creamy and delectable exterior hides within a core of equal sweetness, and the two call unto me as the Sirens beckoned Odysseus... I cannot resist thy allure... [Kuno's head then swivels to the left, and he again appears to talking to someone.] Kuno: But thou, my temptress. Thou art that and more, for within thy sweet exterior hides a brittle but rewarding mystery which my lips cannot wait to plumb... [Kuno's head moves back and forth rapidly as he says the next few lines.] Kuno: But shall I relish thy mysteries... {head shift} ... or shall I cherish thy sweet simplicity? Thy comfortable familiarity... {head shift}... or thy welcome novelty? [Kuno looks pained for a moment, head shifting back and forth ever more rapidly... until it stops, staring straight ahead.] Kuno: I cannot decide! I SHALL EAT THEE BOTH! [The camera pans back to reveal that Kuno has been holding two peanut butter cups in his hands, a la Hamlet holding Yorick's skull. He tries to shove both in his mouth at the same time, and, with a few gagging and choking noises, manages to do so. The spotlight clicks off to reveal the Furinkan High cafeteria, with everyone in the background, just... staring.] [Cut to the orange-diffusing-to-brown background, with packages for both Reese's Peanut Butter and Reese's Crunchy Cookie Cups posed on it.] Announcer (v.o.): There's no wrong way... Kuno (o.s.): da-da-da-da-da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA! [In a blur of motion, the packages are reduced to confetti. The cups within drop to the placard unscathed.] Announcer (v.o.): ...to eat a Reese's. [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a shot of the Tendo Dojo. Ranma is walking out the front door, and makes it halfway down the path before Ryoga leaps over the wall.] Ryoga: Ranma! At last I've found you... but what are you doing in Hokkaido? [Ranma laughs.] Ranma: This is Nerima. Ryoga: Don't try and confuse me, Ranma! We'll settle this once and for all! [Ranma looks unimpressed.] Ranma: Like the last ten times, pig-boy? [Ryoga begins fuming with rage.] Ryoga: This time you will be MINE, Ranma! [Ranma sighs.] Ranma: Okay. Meet me in the dojo... the new construction's still under warranty. [Ranma turns to go, and Ryoga yells after him.] Ryoga: And don't even THINK about running away this time, Ranma! If you do, I'll KILL you next time we meet! [Cut to the inside of the dojo. Ranma sits down and looks at a conveniently located wall clock. It's 8:00 in the morning.] [Cut to a shot of Ryoga hacking his way through incredibly thick brush. We can hear wildlife in the background.] Ryoga (thought): When did the Tendos' yard get so overgrown? [Back to the inside of the dojo. Ranma's still waiting. It's 1:00 in the afternoon.] [Cut to a shot of Ryoga wandering down a foggy street. In the background, the fog has lifted enough so that Big Ben is visible. Everyone Ryoga passes is giving him a wide berth.] Ryoga: I didn't know Japan had so much fog... [Back to the inside of the dojo. It's 7:00 at night. Ranma's stomach rumbles, and he reaches into a pocket of his pants.] Announcer (v.o.): Not going anywhere for a while? Unwrap a Snickers. [Ranma proceeds to do just that, and breaks off a piece to pop in his mouth as the camera zooms in.] Announcer (v.o.): Peanuts, caramel, nougat... the energy you need for a duel to the death. [Cut to a white placard.] PLACARD (and announcer v.o.): Snickers. Why wait? [Cut to a shot of an ice field with winds howling. Ryoga is standing in the middle, a look of pure rage on his face.] Ryoga: RANNNNNNNNMAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [Cut to a shot of the dojo. It's dark, and Ranma is sleeping on the floor.] [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a shot of a rather disreputable-looking bar. Sylia Stingray is seated in one of the booths, facing the camera.] Sylia: Rogue boomers? Sure. I can have our four best operatives on the scene in... oh, fifteen minutes or so. Of course, it's going to cost you... [Cut to the Chairman's office at Genom HQ. A figure is seated in a large, high-backed chair, swathed in shadows. His voice, however, is recognizable.] Quincy: Rogue boomers? Such a pity... I was certain we had tracked down the last of them. Ah well. We can lease you a squadron of eight anti-personnel boomers... for a modest fee, of course. If you want them within the hour... that will naturally be a little extra. [Cut to AD Police headquarters. Leon's sitting at a rather important-seeming desk, grumbling a bit. Behind him, on the wall, is a flashy logo; a stylized K-12 taking down a boomer. A red phone rings, and flashes as it does so. Leon answers it.] Leon: AD Police Priority Boomer Response Service! Rogue boomers? Not a problem, ma'am. We'll have twelve of MegaTokyo's finest there within two hours... [Leon smiles as he says his next few lines.] Leon: What? No charge, ma'am. It's a public service. [Cut to a shot of a three-part black screen, split vertically.] Announcer (v.o.): So! Four... [Sylia's picture appears in the leftmost pane.] Announcer (v.o.): ...eight... [Quincy's shadow-swathed form appears in the center pane.] Announcer (v.o.): ...twelve. [Leon's smiling face appears in the right-most pane.] [Cut to a shot of the logo we saw behind Leon, accompanied by the words "AD Police Priority Boomer Response Service".] Announcer (v.o.): What's YOUR priority? Fade to black. ***** [Open on a shot of a street in Nerima. Ranma and Ryoga are simply glaring at each other, and then they rush into battle, fists and feet flying. Ryoga's voice overlays the fight.] Ryoga (v.o.): By all accounts, I should be a fairly happy man. I've found a beautiful woman who loves me, even when I'm a pig... maybe because I can turn into a pig... who is willing to wait for me forever, if it should come to that. Akari loves me unconditionally, and I'm not ashamed to say I look forward to the marriage she says will take place one day. [Ryoga breaks free of the melee, and leaps a few steps away, cupping his hands.] Ryoga (v.o.): But when your most powerful move is based on depression... Ryoga: Shi shi hokodan! [Instead of the usual torrent of chi, a small yellow ball forms between Ryoga's hands and dissipates quickly.] Ryoga (v.o.): Happiness is not the safest thing in the world. [The Moko Takabisha that Ranma had shot to counter Ryoga's attack smashes into him, flinging him back into a wall. The wall cracks from the force of the impact.] Ryoga (v.o.): That's why I take industrial strength Sufferin. [Ryoga pulls out a blue-labeled bottle with yellow type. He shakes a few pills into his hand, and swallows them.] Ryoga (v.o.): Sufferin gives me the angst and despair I need to take down my toughest opponents. [Ryoga climbs to his feet, glaring at a grinning Ranma.] Ryoga: I am only half a man... and I can only be close to Akane in my cursed form. Akane... if Akari finds out, she'll hate me forever... I don't deserve someone as nice as she is... as though I could ever hope to find my way back to her.... The world is a dark and lonely place. [Tears are streaming down Ryoga's cheeks, and he's surrounded by a raging yellow aura.] Ryoga: SHI SHI HOKODAN! [A veritable torrent of chi streams from Ryoga's hands, totally smashing through the Moko Takabisha Ranma tries to counter with. Ranma is flung out of sight by the force of the blast. Ryoga, smiling, walks off, as a large picture of the bottle fades on screen. (The bottle looks exactly like a Bufferin bottle, with the exception of the name.)] Announcer (v.o.): Sufferin. For when you need to feel the pain. ***** [Open on a shot of a phone booth on a cold, rainy street. The booth is lit dimly by the light in its ceiling, and the receiver is off the hook.] Belldandy (from the phone): Hello, you've reached the Goddess Relief Office. Please stay where you are, and a representative will be with you shortly. [The phone clicks off, and the reflective surface of the pay phone shimmers as Belldandy squeezes herself through it. She hangs up the phone and looks around.] Belldandy: My... these certainly are dire straits. I only hope I've... dear me, there doesn't seem to be anyone around. [An offscreen whimper catches Belldandy's attention, and she looks down.] Belldandy: Oh my! You poor thing... you must... what? You placed the call? [The camera bobs up and down, and Belldandy smiles beatifically.] Belldandy: That's a relief. I thought for a moment I'd missed you. Kami-sama has judged you and found you to be worthy of a wish. Ask for anything you want, and it shall be yours. [The camera abruptly shifts to Belldandy's POV... a small, bedraggled Chihuahua is sitting in a puddle and looking completely miserable.] Dog (in a weak voice): Yo quiero Taco Bell... [Switch back to the dog's POV as Belldandy is enveloped by a divine torrent of energy, her symbols glowing brightly, and a voice booms down from the heavens in a tone so powerful it is lost to the echoes. The divine whirlwind fades, and Belldandy smiles.] Belldandy: Granted. [Cut to the kitchen of the temple Belldandy shares with her sisters and Keiichi. Skuld is sitting at the table, enjoying a big (think salad-sized) bowl of ice cream. A conveniently placed mirror shimmers as Belldandy steps through it. Skuld looks up from her bowl, swallows her ice cream, and smiles.] Skuld: How was your first day back at work, Neechan? [Belldandy pulls up a chair, sits down, and smiles back.] Belldandy: It was fine... although I must say the last wish was a little... unexpected. [Belldandy sighs.] Belldandy: Sometimes I wish Kami-sama wouldn't take things so literally. [Skuld considers this for a few moments, and is about to say something when Keiichi walks into the room. Belldandy's slightly morose expression is replaced by a big ol' goofy grin.] Belldandy: And there are other times... [Keiichi looks a bit confused, shrugs, and opens the refrigerator for a late-night snack... actually, Belldandy's leftovers from dinner.] [Cut to a shot of a large glass building with the Taco Bell logo on the outside.] [Cut to a shot of the inside, to a plush office with a cherry wood desk whose nameplate reads "Chairman of the Board".] Jeeves (o.s.): Your mid-afternoon snack, sir. [A covered platter is placed on the desk, and the top is lifted by a white-gloved hand to reveal four perfect, piping-hot tacos. The chair, whose back has been to us all this time, swivels around to reveal...] Dog: I theen' I get to like thees job... [Cut to a Taco Bell logo. A bug skitters across the screen and onto the bell, laughing its peculiar high-pitched laugh all the way. Skuld is not far behind.] Skuld: DIE! [Mjolnir swings and connects. BONNNNG.] [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a set with a nice Juuban background. Red, Yellow, and Green (those CG M&M's, silly) are standing around, looking at three henshin pens.] Yellow: So... what do these do again? Red: They're from the boys upstairs. They say they'll increase our international appeal. [Red primps a non-existent lock of hair.] Red: As if that were humanly possible. [Green, meanwhile, is turning one of the pens over and over in her hands and trying her best not to laugh. Red notices.] Red: What are you laughin' at? Green (stifling a giggle): Oh, nothing, nothing at all. [Red harrumphs, and the three take their respective pens.] Yellow: Are you sure we should do this? It seems kinda... stupid. Red: Hey, anything to get my smiling face on international TV. [The three raise their pens to the sky.] Red: Red Chocolate Power, MAKE-UP! Yellow: Yellow Chocolate Power, MAKE-UP! Green: Green Chocolate Power, MAKE-UP! [Cue gratuitous spinning in mid-air and flashing of lights transformation sequence. When it's all over, Green is wearing an M&M-sized version of Senshi Jupiter's fuku, Yellow is dressed in Senshi Moon's fuku (complete with odangos and ponytails), and Red is wearing Senshi Mars's fuku. Green takes one look at the other two and cracks up.] Green (laughing hysterically): Oh... oh man... that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen! [She collapses to the ground, still laughing. Red, meanwhile, is sniggering at Yellow's outfit... until he catches a glimpse of his own. To put it bluntly, he freaks.} Red: WHAT THE?! That's it, I'm calling the boys upstairs... [Red pulls out a cell phone and starts punching buttons. Yellow, meanwhile, is examining his fuku and ponytails. He takes one of the ponytails in his hands, and tosses it back over his shoulder.] Yellow: I dunno... these kinda look good on me. [Green has almost regained her composure, but she breaks out laughing again. Red, meanwhile, has gotten through...] Red (into the phone): Hello? Hello! What's with these... whatever-they-are's. Fukus, huh? Whatever they are, they look ridiculous! Why couldn't I wear... oh, a nice tuxedo or something? I don't care about what costuming had in stock! I have my dignity! You'll hear from my agent! [Red slaps the phone shut and stomps offscreen, muttering to himself. Yellow, meanwhile, is striking poses and talking about punishing evil doers "in the name of the Peanut." Green is still laughing, grabbing her sides and begging Yellow to stop...] [Fade to a white placard.] PLACARD: M&M's. The official candy of the Silver Millennium. [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a shot of a simple table on Mihoshi and Kiyone's spacecraft. On it are a basin of water, a smaller basin of dirt, and a box of new Cheer with Hyper-Advanced Color Guard(tm). A suitably percussive piece of classical music is playing... say, the opening to Mussorgsky's "Pictures at an Exhibition".] [Kiyone walks stiffly on-screen from stage left. She unfolds a cloth bandanna with the Galaxy Police logo on it, and proceeds to pour the basin of dirt on it. She balls up the bandanna, smashes it a few times with her fist, and flattens it out again. To say that it's dirty would be like saying that Washu is somewhat intelligent.] [Kiyone then takes one scoop of new Cheer with... ah, you know, and dumps it in the basin of water. She swirls the detergent around with her right hand a few times, then picks up the bandanna and drops it in.] [She is immediately engulfed by an explosion, coming from the basin of water, which leaves her upper body coated with soot. The music abruptly stops, with the sound of a record being scratched. She stares in shock at the camera.] Mihoshi (o.s.): Umm... I guess I shouldn't have put so much potassium in the soil sample, huh Kiyone? [Kiyone stares at the camera for a few more seconds, then facepalms and slowly shakes her head in exasperation.] Mihoshi (o.s.): ...Kiyone? [Cut to a placard with the Cheer box on it.] PLACARD: Cheer: For your toughest stains. [The placard has been amended, in Kiyone's handwriting: "Except alkali metals..."] Mihoshi (o.s.): Kiyone? Kiyone, I'm sorry, I'll make up to you... [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a spiraling zoom, down onto a trail in the forest. There's a small camp set up on the trail, around a fairly presentable horse-drawn carriage. We hear Lina Inverse grumbling as the zoom takes place, and when it finally locks onto ground level, we see she is hunched over a tub of water, scrubbing her cloak on a washboard. (Those of you who don't think Lina should be doing her own laundry... four words: Gourry. Female undergarments. Nosebleed.) Lina finally lets out a small scream of rage and flings the cloak to the ground.] Lina: Stupid blood spots! [Her face a mask of anger, she begins the incantation for the Dragon Slave.] Lina: Darkness from twilight, crimson from blood that flows... Xelloss (o.s.): Isn't that a bit... MUCH... Lina-chan? [Lina turns to stare at some offscreen point stage right, halting her incantation, but not letting the spell energy dissipate. Xelloss walks on, holding his hands out in front of him in the universal "don't tac-nuke me" gesture. He smiles with classic false sincerity.] Xelloss: Now, now, Lina... I'm here to help. [Lina's still glaring at Xelloss.] Lina: Like the last time? Xelloss: Now, Lina, how was I supposed to know that a troop of bandits recently moved their camp onto that shortcut to Sailoon? [The glare is not gone from Lina's eyes, and those tiny energy spheres which herald the Dragon Slave are getting a little bigger. Xelloss lets out a resigned sigh.] Xelloss: Fine. Here I am, just trying to make it easier for you to get your cloak clean, and... [The spheres abruptly dissipate, and Lina's mood abruptly shifts. She smiles at Xelloss.] Lina: Well, what are you waiting for? [Xelloss laughs.] Xelloss: I knew you'd see it my way. [Xelloss produces an orange-and-yellow box from inside his robe.] Xelloss: Tide with bleach alternative was designed with people like you in mind. It gets out even the toughest stains, and has anti-fading agents to help preserve those brilliant colors. Don't believe me? [Xelloss walks over to the wash basin and removes the washboard. He then weaves his hands in intricate patterns.] Xelloss: Powers of water and spirit, part thy murky depths so that we may see through the mists of unknown futures. REFLECTING POOL! [(This isn't a canon spell, but the guy has to have SOME kind of scrying spell...) The water flashes and begins glimmering an eerie bluish-green. An image of Lina's current robes appears in the pool.] Xelloss: These are your robes now. [Xelloss gestures, and the water flashes briefly; two almost identical images of Lina's robes appear in the pool. Xelloss taps the right one.] Xelloss: These are your robes after 30 washes with Tide with bleach alternative. [Xelloss gestures again, and the robes on the right are replaced by a small pile of ash.] Xelloss: These are your robes after 30 washes with the Dragon Slave. I think you can tell the difference. [Xelloss gestures, and the water gives one final bright flash before returning to normal. He walks offscreen, leaving the box behind. Lina picks up the box and looks curiously at it, then calls after Xelloss.] Lina: How do I know this stuff won't turn my hands blue or devour my soul or something? Xelloss (o.s.): Lina... you know I wouldn't do a thing like that. [Lina starts glaring again.] Xelloss (o.s.): Oh very well. You have my word of honor, and if this does anything to you I'll feel no qualms if you never trust me again. [Lina's glare softens a bit, and she turns away, to wash the cloak. She mixes a scoop of detergent with the water and is scrubbing at the blood stain when...] Xelloss (o.s., in an echoing tone): Oh, Lina? I didn't make any promises about that hunky but brainless sidekick of yours... [Xelloss's voice fades away as he begins laughing maniacally. Lina leaps to her feet, grabbing the box of detergent, and races to the coach.] Lina: Gourry! [Lina rounds a corner of the coach and collides with Gourry, who is brushing the horses. She falls to the ground.] Gourry: Lina-san, you shouldn't go tearing around like that. You might get hurt... oh, you found it! [Gourry picks up the box of detergent.] Lina: Found... it? Gourry: Yeah. I bought this stuff in the market a couple towns back, but I lost it a few days ago. You wouldn't BELIEVE how clean it got my tunic... [While Gourry rambles on, Lina begins seething in anger.] Gourry: The rust just came right... Lina-san? Lina-san, are you feeling okay? [Lina clenches her fists and unleashes her rage in one primal scream. Gourry claps his hands to his ears.] Lina: XELLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSS! [Cut to a white placard with the Tide box on it. Xelloss staggers on screen and leans against the box, laughing hysterically.] [Fade to black, Xelloss's laughter continuing for a few seconds after the image fades.] ***** [Open on a shot of the grotto below the city of the Ancients. Cid and Red XIII have just stopped Cloud from running Aerith through, and the rest of the team is waiting at the bottom of the stairs to the grotto. Aerith looks up at Cloud and smiles, and Sephiroth descends from on high to skewer Aerith. Her smile still in place, she collapses to the ground, her White Materia coming free.] [As it hits the ground and slowly bounces away, Aerith's theme starts playing. (Go on, put on that 20-minute MIDI. I know you have it.) Cloud and everyone else can only stand, shocked, at the tableau, and Sephiroth lands beside Aerith, laughing. The White Materia bounces down the pillars in slow motion as Aerith's theme continues to play, and just as it is about to hit the water...] [There is a sound like a record scratching and the theme abruptly shifts. (For those of you playing along at home, pause the MIDI, go into the mixer, and bump the music up a couple steps while changing all the instruments to brass sections, percussive organs, overdriven guitars, and tubular bells. Then resume.) The White Materia explodes in a flurry of greenish crystal, and a massive rush of energy threads its way around the pillars leading to the grotto, does a few circuits of the grotto itself, and slams into Aerith.] [Aerith is lifted into the air by the force of the blow and remains there, suspended, as the helix of green energy swirls around her. Her eyes pop open, and then narrow at Sephiroth. She gestures, and Sephiroth's figure is outlined in green flame. He abruptly stops laughing. Sephiroth screams once before collapsing into a pile of ash, and Aerith lands on the spot where she was praying. Everyone's eyes are opened as wide as they can possibly be, and Cid mouths a few comments which shouldn't be repeated in polite company.] [Aerith walks up to Cloud, who is just staring at her. She taps him on the shoulder, and the Mako glow abruptly fades from his eyes. He looks at her and smiles, and she pulls him down into a loving and passionate embrace...] [The mood is frozen for a moment, and then Yuffie tosses her razor-edged chakram into the air with a whoop. General partying ensues.] [A can of cola, decorated with some kanji and a very familiar bird, appears over the scene.] Announcer (v.o.): Newly reformulated Chocobo cola. [Cut to a shot of Vincent, holding the Black Materia in his claw. The glowing sphere goes dim and crumbles to dust.] Announcer (v.o.): Hey, change is good. ***** [Open on a shot of Dr. Tofu in the kitchen of the Tendo Dojo. A frying pan is sizzling away on the stove.] Dr. Tofu: Okay... last time. [Dr. Tofu flips an omelet from the pan onto a plate and holds it out towards the camera.] Dr. Tofu: This is your brain. [Dr. Tofu carries the plate into the dining room of the dojo, where a hungry panda-Genma is seated at the table. Dr. Tofu gestures to Genma.] Dr. Tofu: This is formula 552. [Dr. Tofu puts the plate down in front of Genma, who eats the omelet in a single bite. Dr. Tofu picks the plate up again, holding it so that we can see it's empty except for a few grease spots.] Dr. Tofu: This is your brain on formula 552. [Dr. Tofu puts down the plate, and the screen slowly fades to white.] Dr. Tofu (v.o.): Any questions? [A black caption fades in at the bottom of the screen.] CAPTION: Brought to you by the Partnership for a Shampoo-Free Nerima. Shampoo (o.s.): You not send Shampoo home without Airen! Cologne (o.s.): I think they're talking about the other kind of shampoo, great-granddaughter. Shampoo (o.s.): Oh. So exploding ramen delivery was too much, yes? Cologne (o.s., pained): You might say that... [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a shot of Dr. Tofu in the kitchen of the Tendo Dojo. A frying pan is sizzling away on the stove.] Dr. Tofu: Okay... last time. [Dr. Tofu flips an omelet from the pan onto a plate and holds it out towards the camera.] Dr. Tofu: This is... one of K-Kasumi's... [Dr. Tofu's glasses fog up, and he begins dancing around, chanting "Zun cha cha", knocking things over, and generally creating havoc.] [Cut to the outside of the Tendo Dojo. The dojo is abruptly engulfed by a huge fireball, which leaves behind a mushroom cloud.] [Fade to a white screen with a simple black caption on the bottom.] CAPTION: Brought to you by the Partnership for a Kasumi-Free Nerima. [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a shot of the Tendo Dojo, with a few koto plucks in the background now and then. There's a twenty-foot pole in the center, and Ranma, Ryoga, Shampoo, Mousse, Kuno, Kodachi, Ukyo, Akane, Taro - do I need to go on? - are all standing in a loose circle around it.] [Nabiki slides down the pole from off-screen and backs out of the circle, to the entrance of the dojo. She raises her arm, and brings it down in a sweeping motion.] Nabiki: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH! [Cue grunge-band music as a hideous melee erupts. The standard anime fight sequence with rushing-line backgrounds is interspersed with shots of the melee... among the featured players are Ranma (amaguriken on Taro's back), Ryoga (bakusai tenketsu to knock away Kuno and Kodachi), Shampoo (beautiful two-handed bonbori smash which Ukyo barely manages to catch on her spatula), and Mousse (unleashing a massive hail of weapons on no one in particular). After this last sequence, cut back to the melee to reveal a weighted chain arcing upward and knocking off what looks to be the top of the pole. The melee continues, unabated.] [Cut to a shot of the Tendo kitchen. The grunge band music is reduced to background noise. Kasumi is relaxing in a chair when something smashes through the roof and lands in her lap. Kasumi picks it up, looks at it curiously, then goes to the cupboard and brings out a teacup. She opens the can.] Nabiki (v.o.): Rush. A fully loaded ginseng tea with carbos... [Kasumi pours steaming liquid from the can into the teacup, rinses the can, tosses it into a recycling bin, and heads for the dojo. The grunge band music sort of dies down as she reaches the entrance... everyone is on the floor, unconscious or in extreme pain. The dojo is trashed, to say the least. Kasumi takes a sip from the tea, then her eyes go wide and she downs the rest of the cup in one gulp.] Nabiki (v.o.): ...and ancient Chinese chi-enhancing herbs. [Kasumi's entire body begins to glow.] Kasumi: Oh...my.... [The grunge band music starts up again as a light blue blur races around the dojo. Fade out as the grunge music dims, and fade in on the Tendo kitchen with birds chirping in the background. Kasumi hums to herself as she rinses out the cup, and returns it to the cupboard. She then walks back to the dojo.] [Fade out, and fade in on Kasumi's POV... a slow, sweeping pan around the dojo. The walls almost gleam, the "Iroha" sign has been mended, the weapons on the walls are completely free of any tarnish, the pole in the center has been polished and re-stained... the whole place almost literally shines. Then pan back, revealing a few dozen comatose forms lying on the floor, with bandages, casts, slings, etc. Kasumi goes over to one of them and crouches down in front of it.] Kasumi: Saotome-san? Dinner will be ready in three hours. [The bandaged figure mumbles, and Kasumi stands up, smiles, and walks out of the dojo, humming to herself. The can of tea appears on the screen.] Nabiki: (v.o.): Rush. Fuel the surge. [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a shot of Robotnik's control room. Robotnik is pacing around nervously, and Snively is standing, watching his uncle pace back and forth. A bank of monitors is easily visible.] Robotnik: I don't understand it, Snively! How can that simple little rodent foil every single scheme I try to take him down with?! [Robotnik smashes his fist on a console, and the bank of monitors comes to life.] Robotnik (thoughtfully): Could it be the quills, Snively? [Snively runs over to the console and begins typing away, and footage appears on the monitor. We see Sonic drilling through soil, concrete, and metal bars, and slicing SWATbots open with a single spin.] Snively: Yes, sir. It's definitely the quills, sir. He can and has cut through almost everything with them. [Robotnik rounds on Snively.] Robotnik: Don't be ridiculous, Snively. Every hedgehog on Mobius has those blasted preternaturally hard quills, and I've captured most of them easily. [Snively deflates, types a few commands into the console, and the monitors go to static. Robotnik resumes pacing, and looks up after a few seconds, a thoughtful expression on his face.] Robotnik: Could it be the attitude, Snively? [Snively calls up footage of Sonic playing air guitar for the spy-eyes and razzing SWATbots.] Snively: Yes, sir. It's definitely the attitude, sir. He'd be a quivering wreck and submit easily without it. [Robotnik rounds on Snively again.] Robotnik: Do you take me for a FOOL, Snively? The miserable little group of rebels in the Eastern Woods behaved exactly the same way before I captured them. It must be something else! [The monitors go to static again, and Robotnik resumes his pacing. He looks up after a few seconds.] Robotnik: Could it be the Power Rings, Snively? [Snively calls up footage of Sonic activating a Power Ring, being surrounded by the glow, and smashing through anything and everything in his way. There's LOTS of this lying around Robotropolis...] Snively: Yes, sir. It's DEFINITELY the Power Rings, sir. Without them, he wouldn't have enough speed to evade us. [Robotnik rounds on Snively again.] Robotnik: You're an IDIOT, Snively! That blasted hedgehog has managed to evade me time and again, even WITHOUT the Ring to help him. It must be something else! [The monitors go to static again. Robotnik resumes pacing, and a slow smile spreads across his face.] Robotnik: I know what it is, Snively. The one thing the hedgehog has with him constantly, that no other Mobian can even remotely claim to possess! Snively: And that would be what, sir? Robotnik: Snively! It's SO OBVIOUS! It HAS to be the shoes! [The bank of monitors displays a composite image of Sonic, and zooms in on his feet. There is a familiar swoosh on those red shoes...] [Cut to a placard with the Nike logo.] Sonic (v.o.): Nike Air Hedgehogs. Just spin it. [Fade to black.] ***** [Open with a shot of Bulma on her cycle, driving along a path through the mountains. She's checking that nifty Dragonball radar thing of hers... in addition to the ones she carries with her, there's one straight ahead, or so it seems. She looks up ahead, and sure enough, a young Son Goku is walking across the road, dragging a huge fish with one hand and carrying a bag of potato chips in the other. He tosses a chip into his mouth as he walks across the road, and Bulma brakes to a halt right in front of him.] Bulma (impressed): Nice catch, little boy... hey, what are those? Goku: These? [Goku displays the bag, and Bulma nods.] Goku: They're Lay's potato chips. Grandpa and I used to eat 'em together, and he used to bet me I couldn't eat one and lay off them 'til bedtime. [Goku looks a bit sad.] Goku: He said he'd spend the whole day with me if I could... but I never did. [Bulma laughs a little.] Bulma: That's not difficult at all... for a mature woman like myself. Self-control is my middle name. Goku: Really? Bulma: No, not really. I'll bet you I can eat just one. Goku: Okay... but what do you want to bet? [Fade to black, over which we hear a potato chip crunch.] [Fade in on a shot of Goku, riding away on Bulma's cycle. He calls back to her.] Goku: Thanks for the neat pills, lady! And these balls look just like the one my grandpa left! [Bulma stands in the path, fuming, and then notices Goku left the bag behind. She snatches them up eagerly and begins munching away.] [Cut to a shot of the village Oolong was "terrorizing". He's currently in giant samurai robot mode, laughing down at Goku, who's holding another bag of chips.] Oolong: Just one? Ha! I've trained for a thousand years. I have the willpower of a hundred men! [Fade to black. The potato chip crunch sounds again.] [Fade in on a shot of Goku, riding away from Oolong's mansion. A joyous reunion is taking place outside, and Oolong is in his normal form.] Goku (calling back): Thanks! Oolong (muttered): Bamboozled by someone who's barely out of diapers... this is humiliating. [Cut to a shot of Goku in Master Roshi's living room, with the turtle looking on.] Roshi: I have completely conquered my desires and eliminated all lusts. (Author's note: Yeah, right!) Roshi: Of course I can eat just one! [Black. Crunch. Need I say more?] [Cut to a shot of Goku, wearing a turtle shell and riding the Flying Nimbus away from Roshi's island home. He's pulling a barge loaded down with all sorts of magical and pseudo-magical items. He calls back.] Goku: Thanks, mister! [Roshi is standing on the island, clad only in a barrel, sunglasses, and his "kame" cap. He's holding the bag of Lay's.] Roshi: The treasures of a lifetime... all gone. [Roshi takes a handful of chips from the bag and munches them down.] Roshi: Good chips, though. [Cut to a shot of Goku talking to the Ox-King in front of his burning mountain.] Ox-King: I'll even teach you a technique I've barely been able to master! [Black. Crunch. Young Goku shouting "Kame hame HA!"] [Cut to a shot of Goku riding away on the Flying Nimbus with Chichi beside him.] Goku: It was awfully nice of your dad to let you come with me. [Cut to the Ox King's room. Palatial begins to describe it. He's munching on the chips.] Ox-King: My daughter... engaged so young... [He breaks out in a full Soun Tendo Wail.] [Cut to a shot of the Flying Nimbus and the cycle parked outside a cave. Chichi is waiting in the cycle.] [Cut to the inside of the cave, where Goku and Yamcha are talking.] Yamcha: A true man uses his MIND to overcome the demands of his BODY! I accept your challenge! [Black. Crunch.] [Cut to a shot from behind Yamcha, looking through the mouth of his cave, watching Goku fly away, with several glittering objects in the back of the cycle trailing him. Yamcha has his face buried in his hands, and Fuar is trying to comfort him.] Yamcha: The work of a lifetime... all gone... Fuar: Don't worry, Yamcha. Maybe now you can go into baseball like you always wanted. Besides... [Fuar bites down on a chip... Goku left the bag again.] Fuar: ...there are worse things to trade for. [Cut to a shot of Goku talking to that yakuza rabbit. In one hand is the ever-present bag of chips. In the other is a carrot, wearing Chichi's Helmet O' Doom. The rabbit is pointing at the carrot and laughing.] Rabbit: Sure, I'll change her back, little boy... if you can defeat me! [The rabbit starts laughing maniacally, and catches sight of the chips in Goku's hand.] Rabbit: Hey, what are those? [Black. Crunch.] [Cut to a shot of Goku, descending from the sky with that extending pole of his. He calls skyward.] Goku: You gonna be OK up there? [The camera pans upward to reveal he's yelling at the moon. A voice calls back...] Rabbit (o.s., weakly): Yeah. Sure. Fine. [Goku's pole retracts back to its normal length, and he and Chichi hop on the cloud and cycle, respectively, and race off.] [Cut to a shot of Emperor Pelong's palace. From inside, we hear a crunch, and, a few seconds later, the sounds of one tyrannical little emperor having a nervous breakdown. Goku emerges from the palace gates carrying all seven Dragon Balls, and he and Chichi head off for points unknown.] [Cut to a shot of Goku and Chichi gazing up in awe at the Eternal Dragon.] Eternal Dragon: I am as old as the Earth itself, the very embodiment of all the power this planet possesses. I can perform feats you have not even thought to dream of yet. [Black. Crunch.] Eternal Dragon (v.o.): This is humiliating... [Cut to a shot of Goku talking to his grandfather.] Goku: It's good to have you back, Grandpa. [They hug each other.] Grandpa: It's good to be back, grandson. There are a few things I've been meaning to tell you... Eternal Dragon (o.s.): How much longer must I endure this? [We pan back to reveal that Goku and his grandfather are seated on the back of the Eternal Dragon, who is rocketing across the sky. Chichi is flying alongside on the Flying Nimbus.] Goku: You promised you'd stick around until the Dragon Balls reactivated. Eternal Dragon: How long has it been? [Chichi pulls the Nimbus alongside the Dragon's head.] Chichi: Three hours, give or take a few minutes. Eternal Dragon: Wonderful. [Goku throws a bag of chips from the dragon's back. The dragon swallows the bag whole. Eternal Dragon: At least the food here is good... [Cut to a placard, with a bag of Lay's and the slogan "No One Can Eat Just One."] Emperor Pelong (o.s.): It's mine! Mine! Give it to me! [Pelong's hand reaches in from off-screen and grabs the bag.] [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a full-face shot of (gasp!) Hikaru Gosunkugi. An oddly flickering light illuminates his face.] Gosunkugi: There was this girl in my class that I really liked but was afraid to get close to... [Cut to a photograph of Akane going through her pre-Ranma morning battles.] Gosunkugi (v.o.): ...so I took a picture. But then HE came along. [Cut to a shot of the first day Ranma shows up, then a montage of Ranma insulting Akane/Akane malleting Ranma shots, with a variety of backgrounds... classroom, yard, cafeteria, gym, track... you name it.] Gosunkugi (v.o.): He didn't deserve her. He kept insulting her and she kept trying to push him away. I wanted to save her... [Cut to a montage of still shots of Ranma running away from cats.] Gosunkugi (v.o.): So I found his weakness and used it against him... [Cut to a shot of Ranma in Neko-ken tearing into a tiger.] Gosunkugi (v.o.): It didn't work too well. But he was weakened again... [Cut to a shot of Ranma affected by Happosai's weakness point, fighting off challengers.] Gosunkugi (v.o.): ...and I took advantage of that. But it seemed they only grew closer... [Cut to a shot of Ranma saving Akane from the Hiryu Shoten Ha.] Gosunkugi (v.o.): I knew it had to be magic... so I tried to counter it with some of my own. [Cut to a montage of shots of Gosunkugi using straw voodoo dolls and Shinto wards against Ranma, and Ranma laughing everything off.] Gosunkugi (v.o.): But nothing worked... and then he almost forced her to marry him! [Cut to a shot of the chaos at Ranma and Akane's wedding.] Gosunkugi (v.o.): I knew I had to get serious... so I did the unthinkable. [Cut to a shot of Gosunkugi looking surprised as a gaki rises from a pentagram in the floor.] Gosunkugi (v.o.): The only way to break his hold was to kill him, I was certain of it... but it didn't work out so well... [Cut to a shot of Akane in the gaki's arms with Gosunkugi looking on in horror, then to a montage of Ranma freeing Akane from its grasp with an amaguriken on the gaki's arms, followed by Ranma disintegrating the gaki with a Moko Takabisha... followed by a shot of Ranma and Akane holding each other a little too tightly for it to be gratitude.] [Cut back to the original face shot of Gosunkugi.] Gosunkugi: And now... well... [Pan back to reveal that the flickering light on Gosunkugi's face was the light of a few torches in a stone cave. Gosunkugi is in a cauldron of water, being pinched and prodded by four gaki. The fifth is lighting the fire underneath and cackling maniacally in a high-pitched voice.] Gosunkugi: Like I said... there was this girl in my class that I really liked but was afraid to get close to... [The fire underneath the cauldron is lit, and Gosunkugi's head droops slightly.] Gosunkugi: ...so I took a picture. [Cut to a placard with the Polaroid logo and the slogan "Taking Pictures. Further." That high-pitched cackle begins again...] [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a shot of a normal street in Tomobiki. Ataru sprints around the intersection and flattens himself against a nearby building, gasping for air.] Lum (o.s., menacingly): Darling... Benten (o.s.): Get back here, you little... [Ataru peeks around the corner, yelps, and dashes down the street. Lum and Benten swing around the corner (Lum flying, Benten on her air-bike) and begin alternately launching lightning blasts and energy shells at Ataru. Both are wearing bathrobes instead of their customary bikinis... and, of course, the robes are cinched tight. They chase Ataru toward the camera and off-screen, and a few people peer curiously out of their windows at the passing trio, shrug, and lean back inside.] [Cut to a shot of the Mendo mansion. Lum and Benten chase Ataru across the front lawn, putting holes in the landscape all the way.] [Cut to a shot of Tomobiki Park. Ataru races into the scene and actually manages to run across the surface of the pond. Lum and Benten follow, blasting away with a vengeance and turning the stone path through the park into a cratered mess.] [Cut to a wide-angle shot of Tomobiki High. Ataru... well, he's not racing anymore. He staggers into the scene, and gets blown into the sky by one of Benten's shells and summarily electrocuted by Lum. He collapses to the ground a smoking mess, in front of the last blast crater. Suddenly, the craters all flare with light.] [Cut to a shot of the interior of Ran's spaceship, with alarms flashing wildly. Ran dashes over to her main viewscreen and activates it... we can see that the blast craters have formed a rough "S" shape on the landscape of Tomobiki. Ran cackles, and presses a large red button with a similar "S" on it.] [Cut to the outside of Ran's spaceship. The ship produces a really huge prism shaped like a pyramid and holds it out, as the "S" below erupts with energy. A huge column of energy shoots into the base of the prism, which glows for a few seconds before emitting a giant fan-shaped rainbow from its apex.] [Cut to a shot of Tomobiki High. Lum and Benten are unusually relaxed, considering the source of their indignation is currently staggering to his feet... and then we hear a faint pitter-patter... sort of like raindrops. Of course, as the strange rain moves into camera range, we actually see that it is composed of some very familiar rainbow-colored candies. Lum and Benten exchange high-fives. In the background, Cherry races by, holding about four of the hats he usually wears, all turned brim-up.] [Cut to an aerial shot of Tomobiki. The S-shaped line of blast craters is visible, and still glowing. A caption appears at the bottom of the screen.] Benten (v.o.): Skittles. Lum (v.o.): Taste the rainbow, *tcha*! Ataru (v.o., weakly): Ben...ten...sa...ma... [*Zak zak zak*. Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a shot of the Tokyo-3 hospital. Ayanami Rei is lying in a bed, with a few burns and bruises on her and a disconnected IV bag beside her. In other words... she's recuperating, rather than recovering. Suddenly, she sits up, and her eyes pop open. Her stare is more vacant than usual, if that's possible...] Rei: What? What is it? [She tilts her head to one side, listening for something.] Rei: Oh. I'll be right there. [Cut to a shot of Rei, in a hospital robe, wandering the hospital corridors. Fade out, with the sound of footsteps echoing, and fade in on a vehicle hangar with NERV stenciled on one of the walls. Rei walks through the hangar, passing a few aisles before turning down one, climbing into a red-cabbed flatbed truck with the Nissan logo on the front grill, and starting the engine. She pulls out of the hangar.] [Cut to a shot of the truck driving around the fairly deserted streets of Tokyo-3. She rounds a corner... and we see EVA Unit 00 standing in front of a fairly tall building. It nods at the truck, and climbs onto the flatbed. Rei starts the engine and pulls off... slowly.] [Cut to a shot of the truck driving around another corner, with Unit 02 standing in front of another huge building. Unit 00 motions to Unit 02, and Unit 02 climbs onto the flatbed. It's getting a bit crowded, to say the least.] [The truck drives on for a while, rounds a corner, and what should be waiting there but Unit 01, leaning against the side of a building, one leg crossed over the other. (It's obvious from the lack of splintering at the EVA's shoulder that it isn't REALLY using the building for support.) Unit 01 stands and waves at the two EVAs on the back of the truck. They look at each other for a few seconds, then both look down at the cab.] [Cut to Gendou Ikari's office and its bank of monitors, all of which are currently off. One flickers on to show Rei wandering the corridors of the hospital and climbing back into bed. It shuts off, and another flickers on to show the truck racing through the hills around Tokyo-3, with Unit 00 kneeling on the flatbed, claw jammed into the cab to manipulate the controls, and the other two hanging on for dear life. The chair swivels around to reveal, not Gendou Ikari, but a Chinese man with tinted glasses and a tweed cap. He smiles at the camera.] Nissan Man: EVAs LOVE trucks. [Fade to the Nissan logo with the slogan "Enjoy the Ride", over which we hear the Nissan man's gentle laughter.] [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a shot of Jackie Chan (yes, the *real* Jackie Chan. My mind knows no budget) on a clifftop, overlooking a labyrinth. Some vaguely operatic and very percussive music is playing in the background.] [Cut to a shot of Jackie entering the labyrinth and almost immediately having to dodge out of the way of a spear protruding from the wall. He races through the halls, flattening himself to avoid a swinging blade, leaping over a low volley of darts, and pulling himself up from a trapdoor. He steps on a stone in the labyrinth floor, and it sinks under his weight.] Announcer (v.o.): To survive... [Jackie looks up to see a stone slab descending. His feet are caught in some kind of muck and he can't move. He steels himself.] Announcer (v.o.): ...you've got to be strong. [Cut to a shot of the stone slab smashing down and crumbling away... to reveal Jackie standing amidst the rubble, one fist extended into the air. He pulls himself free and rushes on.] [Cut to a shot of the room at the center of the labyrinth. There's a glowing purple energy sphere at the center of it, with a sword hilt sticking out. Jackie leaps through a curtain of flame on one side of the room, flings his now-charred shirt to the floor, and grabs the sword. A suit of samurai armor in one corner of the room comes to life and starts edging toward Jackie.] Announcer (v.o.): To win... [Jackie pulls out the sword and cringes when he sees it's wooden. He whirls around to see the armor advancing on him, swords drawn. He blocks one sword with the hilt of the bokken and kicks the other out of the samurai's hand as it descends for a blow. The samurai grips its remaining sword with two hands and begins bearing down on Jackie.] Announcer (v.o.): ...you've got to be smart. [Just as the bokken begins to strain and splinter from the force, Jackie falls to his back, catching the samurai off-guard and launching it across the room with a two-footed kick that puts him on his feet again. The samurai slams into the wall, and its armor begins to crack.] Announcer (v.o.): And once you've joined us... [Jackie lifts the bokken to the clouds in triumph, and a bolt of lightning strikes it. Lightning streaks down the bokken, transforming it into an expertly forged katana.] Announcer (v.o.): ...your life will never be the same. [The lightning streaks over Jackie's body as well, and he looks down in shock as he is slowly converted... to anime. (The animation up until now has been CG.)] Announcer (v.o.): Call us today to see if you have what it takes... [A figure rises from the now-shattered samurai armor. An hourglass figure, to be precise, belonging to an anime girl with a yellow silk Chinese dress, green eyes, and a mane of flowing green hair, expertly styled. She shakes her head a few times, looks at Jackie, and glomps him. Eagerly. Jackie looks... pleasantly surprised.] Announcer (v.o.): ...to be one of the few... [The girl mouths "Wo da airen" and pulls Jackie down into a passionate kiss. He doesn't even put up a token resistance.] Announcer (v.o.): ...the proud... [The labyrinth sort of dissolves away, leaving a glowing purple sphere in the main square of the Joketsuzoku village.] Announcer (v.o.): ...the Amazons. [Cologne pogoes over to the couple and looks the new arrival over.] [Fade to black.] Cologne: He's not son-in-law... but he'll do. ***** [Open on a shot of Chairman Quincy's office in Genom Tower. The Chairman is sitting at his desk, looking over a few papers. He opens a drawer and pulls out a package of Twix. He's about to unwrap it when the Knight Sabers burst in through the front door. Sylia and Nene dash into the office, and Linna and Priss take a few seconds to clear security in the immediate vicinity, then back in, weapons drawn. Quincy pockets the Twix and looks up with a bored expression on his face.] Quincy: Ah, Ms. Stingray. How nice of you to drop by. I must commend you and your band of brigands for making it this far... but, tragically, your efforts will not be rewarded. [Quincy snaps his fingers, and Linna and Priss glance at each other and laugh.] Priss: Looking for these, Chairman? [Linna tosses a few circuit boards on the Chairman's desk. It's fairly clear that they've been ripped away, primarily because there are sparking wires still attached. Quincy blinks a few times, and looks a bit worried.] Quincy: Impressive. But you didn't think I'd rely only on boomers, did you? [Quincy leans forward, reaches under his desk, and we hear a clicking sound, like a button being pressed. A few seconds pass, and nothing happens. Quincy frowns and presses the button again, then begins shifting position, a click being heard every time he stops.] Nene: Oh... I think I may have taken the slave modules which service your office defenses off-line while I was roaming your system. Terribly sorry, but the gas won't work. Neither will the trapdoor, the rail guns, or the blast shield. [Quincy sighs and leans back in his chair.] Quincy: I thought this day might come. Very well. I'm a reasonable man, Ms. Stingray. What can we do for each other? [Sylia removes her helmet and stares at Quincy.] Sylia: Quite simple... my father's inventions and innovations have benefited your company greatly. I'm a reasonable woman, Mr. Chairman. I'd say... about half the voting stock, half your personal wealth... in short, half of everything. Quincy: Everything? [Sylia leans forward to glare at Quincy.] Sylia: Everything. Quincy: And if I should refuse? [Cut to a shot of the outside of Genom Tower. We hear glass shatter, and see a figure drop from Quincy's office window, screaming all the way. The pavement underneath the window opens up, and a polymer foam pad rises to the surface. Quincy lands on it, bounces a few times, and climbs off as the pad retracts into the pavement. He wipes the sweat off his brow, reaches into his pocket, unwraps the Twix, and sticks one in his mouth. He walks off-screen mumbling "Everything... ha!"] [Cut to the product shot and slogan.] Announcer (v.o.): Twix. Two for me. None for you. [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a shot of an elegant restaurant. A violin theme is playing in the background, and at a table far away, a man pulls a chair away to offer a woman a seat. The camera zooms in, and we can see that Mr. Soup and Ms. Noodle are about to enjoy a candlelight dinner.] Announcer (v.o.): You've waited for this day for what seems like years... [Fade to a shot of the two finished with dinner, talking. Mr. Soup blushes and pulls a black velvet box from his pocket.] Announcer (v.o.): ...and you want it to be special. [Mr. Soup opens the box to reveal a beautiful diamond ring. The diamond glints faintly in the candlelight. He sets the box on the table and Ms. Noodle clasps her hands to her chest, looking stunned.] Announcer (v.o.): It may be more special that you bargained for, however... [Ataru comes sailing through the ceiling and lands on the table, smashing it to flinders. He looks up, screams, and runs off. Mr. Soup and Ms. Noodle exchange a quick glance and bolt. For good reason. Lum shoots down through the ceiling, tossing lightning bolts through the restaurant. Benten and Ran are not far behind, firing bazooka shells all the way. They are followed by a few battalions of Mendo tanks, Asuka in her powered armor, Ryooko's palanquin, from which she flings a few dozen grenades, Ryuunsoke's father riding a massive tidal wave, followed closely by Ryuunsoke and Shinobu, fire in their collective eyes, and two of those strange fish-aliens, sweeping up the ash.] Announcer (v.o.): Which is why we wish to remind you... [Mr. Soup walks hesitantly into the restaurant which is now in ruins, looking around to make sure it's clear. He walks over to what was once his table, sifts through the splintered remains, and comes up with a glittering stone, which he pockets. Fade to placard.] PLACARD (and announcer v.o.): ...that a diamond is forever. A message from DeWitt's of Tomobiki. [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a shot of Mamoru Chiba's apartment. He's lounging on his couch and flipping through the channels, looking bored. He turns off the television, walks over to the window, and looks outside on a starlit night in Juuban. He looks down and sees a crystal vase, with a single red rose. A smile slowly spreads across his lips...] ["You Really Got Me Now" starts up in the background as we fade to a shot of Tuxedo Kamen leaping from Mamoru's apartment to land beside a motorcycle with the Nissan logo on the front cowl. He climbs off and roars down the streets of Juuban.] [Cut to Usagi sitting in the glassed-in food court at the Juuban mall, with three empty parfait glasses in front of her. She's looking bored as well. A rose sails through the window and lands on her table. She picks it up, looks around, and dashes away.] [Cut to an exterior shot of the Juuban mall, with Usagi (transformed, of course, to the Senshi of the Moon) leaping from the roof to land beside Tuxedo Kamen's motorcycle. He hands her a helmet with two holes bored into it (for obvious reasons) and she puts it on, gets on the motorcycle, and grabs on to Tuxedo Kamen. The motorcycle pops a wheelie as they roar away into the night. Zoom in slightly on the food court, where we can see hundreds of otaku pressed up against the glass, watching their heroes fade into the distance.] [Cut to a shot of the motorcycle and its two passengers racing down an elevated parkway, lit by street lights. One of the lights has a figure under it, and the camera fixes on him when the motorcycle races by. The figure steps forward into the light, and we see that it's an old Chinese man with a tweed cap and tinted glasses, holding a small dog and smiling.] [Fade to placard.] PLACARD: Nissan. Enjoy the ride. [Fade to black.] ***** [Open on a shot of a running track, with three spacecraft at the starting line. A caption on the bottom of the screen reads "The Endurance Challenge". One craft is painted with the Energizer logo, the second with the Duracell logo, and the third is unmarked.] [Two pilots walk on screen. One walks to the Energizer craft, and opens the hatch to reveal a huge bank of batteries.] CAPTION: Fusion cell. Injector powered by 2500 Energizer AA batteries. [The other walks to the Duracell spacecraft and opens its hatch to reveal a similar bank of batteries.] CAPTION: Fusion cell. Injector powered by 2500 Duracell AA batteries. [The two pilots enter their respective crafts, and all three lift off from the starting line and begin zooming around the track. Fade out.] [Fade to a shot of the spacecraft doing laps.] CAPTION: 1,000 miles later. [Fade out.] [Fade in on a shot of the spacecraft doing laps.] CAPTION: 1,750 miles later. [The Duracell spacecraft's engines flicker and fade, and it gently settles to the ground. The pilot hops out and kicks the hatch on the back, angrily.] [Fade out.] [Fade in on a shot of the remaining two spacecraft doing laps. The Duracell craft is in the middle of the field, its pilot seated on the cockpit watching the other two as they zoom by.] CAPTION: 1,900 miles later. [The Energizer spacecraft fades and settles to a stop. Its pilot gets out and throws his hands up to the heavens, shaking his head.] [Fade out.] [Fade in on a shot of both pilots sitting on their respective spacecrafts, watching the unmarked craft do laps.] CAPTION: 3,500 miles later. [The unmarked spacecraft finally glides to a stop... and morphs to Ryo-oh-ki, who collapses to the track.] CAPTION: Cabbit. [Ryo-oh-ki leaps up and runs along the track. The camera pans to reveal Washu, grinning broadly and holding a wooden bushel of carrots. Ryo-oh-ki dives in and begins munching away with a vengeance.] CAPTION: Powered by 2500 Grade AA carrots. [Fade to placard.] PLACARD (and Washu v.o.): Cellulose. You can't stop the carrot top. ***** And now... the grand finale! A songfic/adfic! ***** [Open on a shot of the Café Noir, from Kimagure Orange College. Ayukawa takes her position at the keyboards, and the bandleader begins to count the beat...] [We abruptly cut to a shot of Shinji descending from Unit 01.] A-one... [Cut to a shot of Ryoko, split, glomping Tenchi from both sides.] A-two... [Cut to a shot of the Knight Sabers tearing along the streets of MegaTokyo. At first, it's just Sylia, but Priss, Nene, and Linna fall into step in time to the beat.] A-one, two, three, four... [Cut to a cast shot of Ranma 1/2. Ranma, much to his chagrin, is surrounded (quite closely) by three out of four fiancées. Akane, Ryoga, Kuno, and Mousse are all fuming. Nonetheless, they all manage to sway back and forth in time to the music.] Gimme a break Gimme a break [Cut to a shot of the back room of the Silky Doll, where the Knight Sabers (Mackie included) are celebrating another semi-successful mission. Sylia pulls out a Kit Kat, breaks off a piece for herself, and tosses the rest to Linna, who breaks off a piece and tosses it to Priss, who tosses the last piece to Nene. Mackie, naturally, gets a bit peeved.] Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar [Cut to a shot of Washu's lab, with Tenchi being held a little too closely by Ryoko and Aeka, and the rest of the cast just looking on. Ryo-oh-ki is hopping up and down, trying to be seen in the shot.] Gimme a break [Ryo-oh-ki leaps up into Sasami's arms with a contented "Miya!"] Gimme a break [Cut to a shot of the Room of Spirit and Time from Dragon Ball Z. The pendulum swings twice, bringing a very battered group of Earth's best fighters back into this reality. They flash victory signs at the camera before collapsing.] I wanna take a break with that Kit Kat bar! [Cut to a shot of Chibi-Usa, Sasami, Azusa Shiratori, and Nuku Nuku, giving the camera their best kawaii smiles and singing along. It's a miracle the camera doesn't glaze over with sugar.] It's got a chocolate crispy taste that'll make your day [Cut to a shot of Makoto Mizahura, walking the corridors of the palace of El-Hazard, accompanied by a sizable portion of his admirers. He makes his way to the balcony to overlook the cheering crowd below.] That's why wherever you go you hear the people say [A cheer comes up from the crowd.] [Cut to a shot of the cast of Sailor Moon... transformed, where possible. Usagi has her arm around Mamoru's shoulder, Mamoru has one arm around Usagi and one hand on Chibi-Usa's shoulder. A similar arrangement is taking place with Setsuna, Hotaru, and Professor Tomoe. Haruka and Michiru are also holding each other, and the ghost of a Dark Kingdom general is looking over the shoulder of each of the other four Senshi.] Gimme a break Gimme a break [Cut to a shot of Amelia, Lina, Gourry, and Zelgadis all seated around a campfire. Amelia pulls out a Kit Kat and tosses a piece to each of the other three. Zelgadis looks at his questioningly before he pops it in his mouth.] Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar! [Cut back to Café Noir. Ayukawa plays the closing piano riff, and the bandleader cuts the rest of the band off. Applause ensues.] [Fade to the Kit Kat placard.] [Fade to black as the applause slowly dies down.] ***** And there you have it. The last of the adfics I'll post. Of course, if anyone wants any of these to use in a fanfic, tell me and I'll gladly let you. If anyone wants a new one... there are still a few ideas running around in my head. Oh, for those of you who've read down this far... remember the example of misguided C&C the Lurker posted to the list a while back? Well... I wrote it. And I'm GLAD I did, you hear me? And I'll do it AGAIN! And AGAIN! AND AGAIN! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! Um. I'd better sign off before my brain totally fries, but I DID write that mass of technical language. I get like that sometimes. --G. Falconar