Disclaimer: Sakuya, Tenchi, Ryoko, Ayeka, etc. etc. are property of YOU KNOW WHO (Aic and Pioneer if you must know) AAA Phuknutt is property of himself. Notes: I realise a lot of you will hate me for this, but I really don't get this unbelievable hatred for Sakuya I have seen in certain fics. If you really, really don't like her (Or you are AAA Phuknutt) you may want to stop reading because it will upset and irritate you, however I would like it of you would try to stomach it- I wrote this to change people's minds about Sakuya, who is as much of a victim in Shin Tenchi as anyone else. A CASE FOR SAKUYA brought to you by Jim 'Diabolo' Moore and Judge Judy (Scene: The case of the Fans of Tenchi vs. Sakuya is assembled. The right demonic Judge Diabolo in the chair\ defence council. Sakuya is the defendant- anyone who wants can prosecute. The Jury is comprised of Kiyone, Mihoshi, Ayeka, Ryoko, Sesami, Nobiyuki, Yosho, Tsunami, Tokimi, Washu, Mitsuki and Mayuka. And now for the purpose of this case, I will convert myself into script form...HUGNNNN...) Judge Diabolo: Ow! That was painful. Anyway... hear ye, hear ye. Here (ye) are some facts I have brought for my case. I have tried hard to use actual facts instead of blind opions so I can achieve something here. Tenchi: Some hope. Judge Diabolo: Silence! Fact 1: It WAS YUGI WHO CAUSED THE LAMENTABLE EVIL IN SHIN TENCHI! Crowd: Booo! Hiss! Judge Diabolo: Silence in court! I am angry so I will shout this entire paragraph! SAKUYA WAS A TOOL. A DEVICE. A WEAPON TO DISTRACT TENCHI. YUGI WAS THE REAL BAD GIRL HERE. IT WAS NOT SAKUYA'S FAULT THAT SHE WAS CREATED FOR THIS PURPOSE- HER LIFE WAS A BITCH, AND YUGI IS THE ONE WHO HAS TO PAY FOR IT. SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXACTLY WHO SHE WAS UNTIL THE END- THE GIRL HAS SUFFERED ENOUGH. I MEAN, DO YOU BLAME WW2 ON THE GUNS?? THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE ON THE CHAINSAW?! NO!!! SO DON'T BLAME SAKUYA FOR YUGI'S BITCHINESS!!!!! Ayeka: Ow! My ears! Ryoko: He said he was angry with Yugi. Crowd: That name! Don't mention that name! Judge Diabolo: Order! Order! Tenchi I belive you have something to bring to this? Tenchi: Yes, I do. Even though I love Ayeka and Ryoko, I have to stick up for Sakuya... Sakuya: I wish you had earlier. Crowd: *coughmagicalgirlprettynobiyuki* Tenchi: Okay! No need for all of you to send me on a guilt trip. I have to say this- Sakuya saved me..and everyone else! Crowd: Boo! Hiss! Slander! Judge Diabolo: Stop changing sides, you evil crowd or I shall say...Yugi! Crowd: Nooooo! Judge Diabolo: Ha! So...SAKUYA SAVED EVERYONE! Tenchi: Yes. It was Sakuya who persuaded me to save everyone in - if she had not been truly loyal and kind by telling me to leave her in the paradise Yugi created for us, then everyone would have been destroyed. Judge Diabolo: Aha! Thank you, Tenchi. But here is something which has just been brought to my attention by the pyscological profilers (working on many fans including AAA Phucknutt) which Ryoko, Ayeka and maybe Mihoshi and Wahsu may not want to hear. (The girls, all except Kiyone and Sakuya, put their hands in their ears. Yosho and Nobiyuki, hoping it will be dirty, lean closer) Judge Diabolo: Eugh! You two old pervs stay away from the judges booth. This document reads, and I quote "LEGAL DOCUMENT CONCERNING THE CASE OF THE FANS OF TENCHI vs. SAKUYA Through exhaustive researching, we have found facts that some people find hard to accept. Therfore we will break it down into small stages which should stop them being confused. Notice how we DO NOT use phrases like "She thinks", "He thinks" "Maybe" "Perhaps" and "Becuase she's a bitch" in these points: a) SAKUYA LOVE TENCHI b) TENCHI LOVES SAKUYA c) THE TWO OF THEM HAD A VERY REAL RELATIONSHIP AND MORE OF ONE THAN TENCHI HAD WITH EITHER RYOKO OR AYEKA Summary : They loved each other! HOWEVER, JUST BECAUSE THEY DID DOESN'T MAKE TENCHI'S FEELINGS FOR ANYONE ELSE NULL AND VOID. It's just a thing people go through in real life- you can love more than one person. CONCLUSION: YOUR ALL IN DENIAL ABOUT HER AND TENCHI! signed- The Tenchi Muyo Departenment Of Legal Affairs, Subect of AIC and Pioneer" Kiyone: Wow. That's harsh. Crowd: We see it now! We were blind but now we can see! Judge Diabolo: I am glad to hear it, considering how much I just had to read to you all (Mihoshi, Washu, Ryoko and Ayeka are all in tears because they were just pretending not to listen, but Tenchi consoles them) Ryoko: I have a point to make. Judge Diabolo: Which is? Ryoko: There's someone me and Ayeka want to kill WAYYYYYYY more than Sakuya. Sakuya: Wow. I feel so honoured. Judge Diabolo: And who is this person? Ryoko: Haruna! (from Tenchi the Movie 3 -A Far Away Feeling) She's five times worse than Sakuya, in these ways. She STOLE Tenchi deliberatly, she did everything of her own free will, and she warped Tenchi's mind so he couldn't remember anything about his own life before that (and believed that he was in love with her!). THEN she hid Tenchi from the people he loves, paricularly me. And maybe Ayeka. But mostly me. Judge Diabolo: We get your point. Ryoko: Alright! THEN she had sex with Tenchi! Crowd: *gasps* He had SEX??? Tenchi: Why is that so hard to believe? Ryoko: Er....I'll explain later. Anyway, all Sakuya did was kiss him. And where Tenchi was REALLY in love with Sakuya *sob* I must accept it I must accept it it doesn't matter *sob*...anyway, Haruna simply made him BELIVE he was. See? Judge Diabolo: If any girl deserves a good killing, it's her. Not that I want to see anyone get killed, you understand. (I mean, Haruna is practically dead already, poor girl. Tenchi is meant to be something rather beautiful and not terrible. But that's beside the point. Back to the CASE.) Sakuya: Anyway, even if you people WANTED to kill me, you couldn't. Crowd: But why Sakuya? And how? Sakuya: Well- here's the sciency bit, so pay attention! Professor: There are two reasons you cannot kill Sakuya a) She's not actually a real person (see below). If you tried to kill her, she would just i) Come back ii) Not be hurt at all, because the bullets, knives, garottes, ect. would just go through her iii) Be protected by Yugi who would kick your sorry ass around like a beach ball at an Ibiza sand party. Tenchi: And if anyone actually managed to kill her, I would probably be heartbroken and become a hermit living on a park bench with that guy (points to Diabolo). Sakuya: Or you might pass your feelings on and fall in 'false love' with Ayeka or Ryoko which would leave everyone feeling miserable NOTE: This doesn't mean he doesn't have true feelings for them, just that it wouldn't be those he would feel in this instance). Professor: So that's why you can't kill Sakuya! Also- leading dermotologists have proved that washing in Sakuya Shampoo can reduce fine lines and split ends! (really fast) We accept no responsiblilty for anything ever. ALSO: If you look at all this, you'll see Sakuya is just someone Tenchi has to get over by himself without murderes and rapists desposing of her. Judge Diabolo: But now- we have a new and evil witness from Shin Tenchi itself- a mister Hotsuma. Mister Hotsuma...if that's your REAL name...you claim that Sakuya was yours and Yugi's love child? Hotsuma: No you idiot! I said that I loved Sakuya AS Yugi's child! Judge Diabolo: Oh. Okay. Well, tell us what's been on your mind- don't be afraid to cry. It's okay. Hotsuma: Alright. I really cared for Sakuya as a seperate person- not just a shadow of Yugi. I really wanted her to be happy with Tenchi. But she never existed, except as Yugi's plaything... and because of that she was just erased like a pencil drawing at the end of Shin Tenchi! Now the family is back together and it looks like Tenchi has just about decided who he loves- ISN'T THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU PEOPLE??! Judge Diabolo: Yes, yes. Thankyou Hotsuma. You can go now, and heres 50p for an ice cream to cheer you up. (Hotsuma leaves sobbing being led out by a kindly Mihoshi) Judge Diabolo: Anyway! Onto Point 7 of my case, vis- SAKUYA IS NICER THAN EITHER RYOKO OR AYEKA! Ayeka and Ryoko: WHAT?!!!! (Ryoko charges a blast and Ayeka's headband glows) Judge Diabolo: Okay! Okay! This is not a diss! I am prepared to admit, in fact I love to admit (it would be foolish not to) that BOTH Ayeka and Ryoko are beautiful and charming ladies. (Ryoko and Ayeka cool down, but keep their weapons poised just in case) Judge Diabolo: And are both lovely people on the inside, but taking things from face value, Sakuya is MUCH, MUCH more pleasant. (Sakuya blushes and blows a kiss) Kiyone: What's soft on the inside and crunchy on the outside? Armadillos! (or Ayeka and Ryoko)! Judge Diabolo: That's what she was built for- to be a perfect mate for Tenchi. I'm sure if she had appeared in a different situation, you would have all admitted that she's pretty okay as well. (The jury goes off to decide, and returns with in minutes) Kiyone: We understand! We declare her NOT GUILTY of being a medelling, series spoiling whore bitch! Crowd: (cheers, whoops) Judge Diabolo: Now! Drumroll please! Here's the bit we've all been waiting for... Sakuya: I know I have. Judge Diabolo: The revenge of Sakuya against.... AAA Phuknutt!!!!!!! (The aformentioned phuckhead is brought through the crowd in handcuffs, to the holy platform for his crimes against humanity) AAA: Why I am here? Sakuya: WHY???!!! 'Tenchi and His Gay Lovers' is practically a hanging offence! Judge Diabolo: For you crimes against humanity. Didn't you read the paragraph above you? AAA Phuknutt: Whose that? Oh no! It's that bitch Sakuya! Judge Diabolo: Hey, he can see again. That holy light always wears off eventually. AAA Phucknutt: And whose that guy in the red coat? Sakuya: He's my love bitch. Judge Diabolo: What??!! Sakuya: Sorry...it just came into my head. AAA Phucknutt: Hey! That's just what I made Tenchi do in 'Extremely Sick Sex Fest'! Judge Diabolo: Yes, we know. And here is your punishment... Judge Diabolo gives AAA Phuknutt a swift kick to the nads. Well, more of a slow, agonising kick, causing them to drop off and roll into the sea. AAA Phucknutt: Ah! My nads! What have you DOONNNNNEEE!!!??? AAA Phucknutt runs after his nads and drowns. Judge Diabolo: Well, Sakuya hon? Sakuya: That felt good. Judge Diabolo: As good as THIS? Diabolo presses a switch and blows up the remains of the fan fic authour who was not quite drowned, only chocking and almost dead, still chasing after he beloved gonads. Sakayu: Mmmm.... Judge Diabolo: I guess not. Sakuya: At least I don't orgasm over people's deaths like he does. Judge Diabolo: Hey, now, Sakuya. Respect for the dead. Sakuya: The dead or the dead STUPID? Judge Diabolo: Either. Both. Then the spirit of AAA Phucknutt rises from the grave and floats around. The ghosts of his gonads also rise and dance around him like fishies. Judge Diabolo: Well, I guess his gonads were with him all along. Sayuka: Oh really? Sakuya removes a chaingun from her skirt and shoots the ghostly testicles out of the air. Then, as an afterthought, shoots her former tormenter's ears and nose off. Then she rips his head off, balances it on a desk spike and toe-punts it into a wall with her hobnail boots. AAA Phucknutt: Can't you people let me die!? Sakuya: Why? You never let me die! AAA Phuknutt: Oh yeah... Sakuya: But I'M not a perv. So when you die suffering horribly...AGAIN and AGAIN...I will say 'sorry' and not 'Uh! Uh! Uh! I so horny over this bit! I wish I could orgasm but I haven't got a di- Judge Diabolo: Sakuya! Leave him to go to hell. We haven't got time for this! The Earth opens up and a firey hand grabs the leg of the poor ghostly phucker. He is dragged to his fate and an eternity of being foced to write 'Aeka gets Tenchi fics' by a demon who looks like Nobiyuki in a miniskirt. Sakuya: Wow. That IS a bad fate. Judge Diabolo: Well, that's hell for you. But now I would like to say my apologies to AAA Phucknutt for that... Sakuya: What!? Judge Diabolo: I've got to be polite- it's the least I owe to the Archive! Sakuya: Okay, okay... Judge Diabolo:...anyway...sorry, but it's just that I felt really PHISICALLY sick after the death of Sakuya in 'Magical Girl Pretty Nobiyuki' and so I thought a little payment to Sakuya and me was due. Sakuya: Damn right! Judge Diabolo: Less of that, please. But I hope this fic has changed some people's minds- Sakuya has gone now, and she never even existed- in fact her presence after Shin Tenchi probably strengthened the bond between the characters more than ever... Sakuya: Athankyou. Judge Diabolo:...so don't treat her too badly. Crowd: Hooray! The fic is finally over! We can go home! Judge Diabolo: Yugi! Crowd: Ahrrrrggggggg! THE END Well, I've done my contraversial bit now, so I'm going back to writing normal fics. If you really hated it, please give good reason before writing abusive e-mails to me. I don't mind as long as the arguments are logical. Sakuya fans mail is greatly welcome. The e-mail to write to is comageddon@ntlworld.com My best wishes to everyone (yes, including AAA Phuknutt) as always - Jim 'Diabolo' Moore, 28 July 2001