Tenchi Muyo, El Hazard, and Magical Project S are the property of AIC and Pioneer LDC. "The Switch" is the property of Greg Lively, who has graciously given us permission to write this MST. Elements of the story, "Mystical Babe Sexy Ryoko," are the property of Robert J. Cannard and are used with his permission. Thank you, everyone. Two Guys, Two Girls, a Roshtarian Princess, and a Magical Girl MST, "The Switch" (On board the satellite, Deep Six Nine.) (Eyes glued to the TV screen in shock as he watches episode 13 of "El Hazard, The Alternative World.) My....God..... (Nods) Yeah. You know what'll happen if Afura catches us with this? (Nods.) Yeah. Let's watch it again in dub! Dammit, Dav! She'll kill us! Okay, okay... (Appears outta nowhere.) Whatcha guys watch'n? EEEEEP! (Davner tries to hide the TV screen.) (Blinks and begins to laugh.) Oh my god! Is that Afura being fondled by a wookie!? (Enters.) Who's being fondled by a wookie? (Points to screen and continues to laugh hysterically.) (Sees the screen and turns beet red.) WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THIS?! Ryoko! That is most certainly *not* a wookie! Thank you, Davner... I'll have you know it's a woman! DAVNER!! (Laughs hysterically and puts a hand on Afura's shoulder.) Now who's the lesbian!? (Turns red. The wind begins to blow.) Pardon me? What was that last? So how was it, Afura? Being with a woman in a wookie suit, I mean. (Grins.) I AM NOT A LESBIAN!!! (Smiles and nods.) Uh huh. Prove it. (Begins to shake angrily and turns to Cavis.) Cavis! Do me! Prove I'm straight! WHAT?! Come on! You're a man, aren't you?! (Holds his arms up.) Uh uh. I'm not risking what I've got with Meg just to prove you're not into wookies. You're talking to the wrong guy. (Blinks and turns to Davner, who's grinning.) Oh, for the love of god, anyone but *him*! (Appears on the viewscreen.) Hello, kiddies! (Blinks as several energy blasts strike the forcefield in front of the screen.) Hmmmmmmmm....I guess Ryoko's still mad at me about that whole Shin Tenchi thing. (Cries and runs from the room.) Hey, Washu. What's the bad news this time? I've been subpoenaed! Apparently, the Department of Family Services on Delnar Prime considers what happened with Ryoko and Shin Tenchi to be child abuse! So now I have to appear in court! (Reappears, wiping a tear from her eye.) Well, it serves you...*sob*...Right! Anyway...I'll be gone for a few days.... YEA!!! NO MORE FICS! NO MORE FICS! So I'll be leaving Ayeka in charge of the fics. NO MORE FI....HUH!!?? Yup! Toodles! (Washu's face disappears to be replaced by Ayeka's.) Now then, let's see...What to send you.... You'll send us something good, right darl'n? Of course! As long as I'm in charge, you'll get only articulate, well-written fics appropriate for viewing. BOOOOO-RIIIIING!! Okay! In that case you get "The Switch!" (Glares at Ryoko.) Good one, Ryoko! Now then....we need a guest. (Starts hitting buttons at random. Fatora of Roshtaria falls from the ceiling.) (Glares at Ayeka.) If it takes me a thousand years, I'll kill you for this! Hello, Afura! It's been awhile. Not too long for two of us! Whatever. Now what the hell am I doing here? I'm trying to keep Roshtaria together. I'm a busy woman ya know! What do you mean? Some jackass gave Jinnai a new weapon he's been using to warp the thought processes of our troops. Calls it...What was it? "Ten...Tenchi Muyo in Live?" Something like that. "Tenchi Muyo in Life?" That's the one! Hey! How do you know about that? (Innocent looks.) *YOU* gave him that fic!!?? (Grabs Cavis by the throat) DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE?! THE ENTIRE WORLD IS AT WAR! (Claps her hands.) Quiet now! Quiet! It's time to watch the fic! (Grins at Ayeka.) Ayeka, darl'n....You wouldn't force *me* to watch such a horrible fic, would ya? Well.... (Grabs Davner suddenly.) Yes, sweetheart! While they're watching the fic, you and I can go back to *my* quarters! WHAT?! *WHAT*?!?! GET IN THAT THEATRE WHERE I CAN KEEP AN EYE ON YOU, YOU LOUSE!! (Sighs.) Thanks, Afura... It was the least I could do. (Group enters the theatre. Seating order from left to right is, Cavis, Ryoko, Fatora, Davner, and Afura. Fic begins...) A rewrite of the original story "The Switch," that corrects any mistakes made, tones down Tarot, and eliminates the Tarot/Ryoko romance (Washu is another matter). So this means Ryoko and Washu are going to have a romance? SHUT IT! (Grins at Ryoko) Trouble in the romance department? (Grumbles) Something like that. Perhaps I can help.... Vault_Keeper_2000@yahoo.com These characters are copyrighted and only two of them are my own. The majority of the characters contained-just barely- in this story are the property of Pioneer and I beg anyone who works for that company and is reading this to refrain from suing me as I have no steady income, being too young to work, and because it would just be a huge hassle for everyone involved. (Imitates an AIC lawyer.) No hassle, young man. Is Thursday good for you? Also, to any fellow fanfic authors out there, I have only read a tiny fraction of the stories in this archive, so if I use something that was in your story without making mention of it in the footnote, it is purely an accident and I offer my sincere apologies. Also, to ALL Tenchi Muyo fans, although I am a fan in my own right, I have only seen the first episode of the OAV series and therefore am unfamiliar with the personalities of all the characters, Hold on a sec! *ONE* episode?! Can anyone else see where this fic is going? (Raise their hands.) so I have had to go on the combined information I have picked up from reading the stories and looking around on the Internet. If you see anything that would go against a particular character's personality or goes against something that happened in the OAV series, e-mail me and I will be sure not to make the same mistake in my next story (the TV series has no bearing on my stories). This story takes place sometime between `Tenchi the Movie' and the second OAV series. I thought he just said... (Holds up her hand.) Our's is not to reason why. Our's is but to do...and SUFFER IN THIS GODDAM NIGHTMARE!!! Wow, Afura, you're stressed. You know what's really good for stress? Wookie sex? (Wind blasts Ryoko into the wall.) I AM NOT INTO WOOKIES! I AM NOT INTO WOMEN! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT?! There are going to be a few nude scenes in this story, Okay with us as long as it's not Tenchi! Speak for yourself. (grins.) But Ryoko, you've already seen a Tenchi naked. (bursts into tears.) (Hugs Ryoko) There, there. It can't be that bad. Why don't you tell Fatora all about it... just like in the original, but THIS IS STILL NOT A LEMON! He says that a little defensively. Do I detect some frustration? From the author, or from Afura? FUCK YOU, DAVNER! Also, I am correcting all of the mistakes I made in the previous version of the story, and I apologize to anyone who was offended by these mistakes. Like, for instance, the people who read it. I am also writing this under my own name, to end the confusion about whether or not it was self-insertion. The Erik of the story only shares my pen name, and is not based in any way on me. Ha! I've heard that before! Yeah, Dav. From *your* author. (turns to Cavis.) E tu, Cavis? I am also toning him down, making him less powerful, so he doesn't upstage the normal characters. Also, my stories are going to be interconnected (events from one story are going to have an impact on what happens in other stories) unless it is stated clearly in the disclaimer that a particular story is not in the continuity, and I hope nobody minds this. Jeez! Could we just end the frigg'n essay on why this fic isn't supposed to suck and get to the hentai, already!? `Phantom of the Opera' lyrics are the property of Andrew Lloyd Webber. (groans.) Lyrics from "Out of the Frying Pan (And Into the Fire)" are the property of Meat Loaf. (Sing) "This fic is a lemon and I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!!" I have completely cut anything other than characters that pertain to any other story out of my own. Just so you know, dashes that make complete breaks in the sentence are there in the place of those three period symbols. Now, without further ado, let us begin. (Unenthusiastic) ....yea.... The Switch By Greg Lively Tenchi sat down at the breakfast table and breathed a sigh of relief. For once in his life, everything seemed to be going right. His training was almost complete, Ryoko and Ayeka weren't attempting to tear the house down around their ears, and Ryoko was even helping hand out the dishes of delicious-smelling food that Sasami had cooked for them. You know what this means, of course... (nods.) Pod people have taken over the Masaki home. Not for the first time, Tenchi spared himself a quick glance in Ryoko's direction as she walked past him, his eyes wandering up and down her body under the skimpy kimono she was wearing. His eyes lingered on the smooth, natural sway of her hips and her practically endless legs a second too long and Washu elbowed him in the ribs. Why can't Tenchi look at me like that in *real* life?! Maybe he really is gay, Ryoko. SHUT UP! IT'S NOT TRUE! Now, Ryoko. It's okay. Shhhhhhh. (Hugs Ryoko.) I'm here for you, okay? (sniffles) Thanks, Fatora. (Looks on in shock.) Um...I think someone should tell Ryoko that Fatora is... (Glares at Davner.) You tell her, and I'll bury you. Understand? (gulps.) Yes, Ma'am. "I think we're having pancakes and biscuits for breakfast," she whispered in his ear, "not my daughter. (Hick voice.) And chitlins! Lots of chitlins! What are chitlins? Not a clue, but whenever you hear hicks talk about food, chitlins seem to come into the conversation no matter how hard you try to avoid it. So stop drooling and save your eyes for what she's going to be wearing tonight." And you can bet your ass it won't be a wookie suit. (Grins.) (Fumes. The wind begins to pick up.) Tenchi suppressed a laugh. He knew Washu didn't really mind having him ogle her daughter, Most mothers don't. but she was worried that if Ayeka noticed, she and the demoness would start practicing for their boxing degrees over him again. Boxing degrees? (Nods.) There's really a boxing degree. I have a bachelors. (Reaches into his pocket and produces a small cardboard box.) Here's my senior thesis. I got a B. I don't think he means that kind of boxing, Dav. If his friends-correction, human friends-thought having a girlfriend was tough, they should trade lives with him for a day and have two incredibly powerful women, both of whom were from other planets and neither of whom was his girlfriend go head-to-head in a vain attempt to win his love. "*Vain* attempt?" Uh oh...this doesn't sound good. "Vain?" It's vain? She's gonna burst. Get ready. (Begins weeping uncontrollably.) (Hugs Ryoko) Shhhh. It's okay. Why don't you and I go to your room where you can...relax. WHY DON'T YOU STAY HERE!? (Glares at Cavis.) Sorry, Afura. Couldn't let it happen in Ryoko's state. I'm okay. Really. It's just that....IT CAN'T BE VAIN! Sure it can! Go with Fatora. She'll make you feel better. No. I'm okay. Really. Perhaps later. We can...talk...You know....Girl talk. I think I'd like that. (Look uncomfortable.) If they found some way to survive what he endured daily, then they could complain. Until then, Tenchi would just shrug off their complaints and change the subject. Both of Tenchi's would-be suitors were attractive, and Ayeka, while not as beautiful as Ryoko, KILL THE BASTARD! did possess a sort of exoticness that Tenchi found appealing. Oh...okay...that's better. But, he was firmly set in his resolve that he was not ready to make that kind of decision. So for now he was not going to let his relationship with either of them go beyond a hug, or maybe a quick peck on the cheek. Tenchi?! Kiss a girl?! What universe is this?! (Grins at Ryoko) Shin. (Begins to cry again.) Christ, Afura, you're mean today! Maybe someone slipped us the Wanderers Afura while we weren't looking. (Glares at Cavis) Never mention that uber-bitch again! Well, he was having a date with Ryoko tonight. (Hops out of her chair and throws her arms out.) YES!! YES!! I WIN!! I WIN!! "Well, people say it's harder to swallow if your mouth's dry," he whispered back. Washu hid a smile. Tenchi and a sense of humor!? I think the world must coming to an end! Just then, Ayeka walked in. As usual, her clothes were perfect, her hair was perfect, and her teeth were perfect. "Good morning Lord Tenchi," she said, giving him a dazzling smile with her perfect teeth. She has a perfect tongue too... I didn't need to hear that. [Bet that doesn't last long] Tenchi thought. [In fact, I'm surprised both she and Ryoko aren't missing a few teeth.] "'Morning Ayeka," he replied. Just then, he noticed Ryoko giving the Jurian princess the evil eye. (Looks and sees Ryoko giving the Ayeka on the screen the evil eye.) ACK! Dammit! Will you stop doing that!? It creeps me out! Ayeka returned Ryoko's cold glare with one of her own then sat down. Tenchi noticed that she didn't seem as ready to do battle as she normally was. "Not sleeping well?" he asked. "No, I'm not," Ayeka said, rubbing her temples. "It feels like my brain grew overnight." Yeah, well all the tissue that made your breasts so big in TF had to come from somewhere. Now that was just low... "Oh, yes," Ryoko said sarcastically. "We simply have to stay home and take care of the little princess and ruin Tenchi's and my date tonight." Oh, now *that's* low! Even for me! "Shut up Ryoko," Ayeka said in a voice that was both angry and tired. "I have a pounding headache, no aspirin, and a really short temper today. I won't, repeat, will not put up with any crap. How would you like to have Lord Tenchi kiss you on the teeth because I've ripped your lips off?" Jeez! That would hurt! No joke! Mine still hurt. [Oh no,] Tenchi thought. [Here we go again.] "Look Little Miss Royalty, just because I have a date with Tenchi tonight and you don't is no reason to get all worked up!" "No, but having to put up with your snide remarks is!" "All right everybody, duck and cover!" yelled Washu. A-BOMB DRILL!! Everybody except for the two warring women quickly dove to the floor. Ayeka and Ryoko were so surprised that instead of throwing energy blasts at each other, they stood silently for a moment, then burst out laughing. "Good one Mom," Ryoko gasped, laughing so hard she could barely breathe. "How long did it take you to get everyone to go along with you?" (Imitates Washu) Had to lobotomize them first and replace their cerebellums with jello molds! "Just a few minutes and the promise of a lot of extra favors," Washu replied, getting up and brushing herself off. "I was hoping it would keep you two from going for each other's throats. Evidently it worked." At that moment, the women who had tried to kill each other over Tenchi so many times were leaning against each other two keep from falling over laughing. Someone want to tell me what the hell just happened? I would...but I have no idea. It would appear that the author is attempting to resolve the problem of habitual confrontation between the two women in question through the application of a pseudo-humorous plot device. Pardon? She said the author is twisting the plot by using a lame ass joke. Got it, trench coat boy? Oh....Yeah, I get it now. Tenchi looked around the table again and realized someone was missing. Or rather, three someones were missing. Moe! Larry! Curly! Shemp! (Looks from side to side.) What?! Huh?! I *liked* Shemp! "Where're Dad, Kiyone, and Mihoshi?" he asked Washu. Washu shook her head in exasperation. "In case you don't remember, your father had to go away on a business trip, on which he left this morning. As for Kiyone and Mihoshi, they left on an assignment. All three of them wanted to say goodbye, but you were still in bed, sleepyhead." Oh, yeah. This isn't convenient. The three of them are probably off making a porno movie or something. (Laughs.) Good one, Fatora! (Grins.) You have a nice laugh... (Begins to put her arm around Ryoko.) WHO WANTS POPCORN!? (Thrusts a bag of popcorn between them.) (Glares but pulls her arm back.) (Takes some popcorn.) Jeez, Cav, get an insulin shot or something, would ya... Tenchi blushed. "Okay, I remember Dad's business trip now. But, sheesh, you can hardly expect me to know that Mihoshi and Kiyone had an assignment." *** Later that evening, Tenchi and Ryoko walked alongside each other by Loch Ness in Scotland, holding hands. (Blinks.) Where? Loch Ness... (Checks a tourism book.) "Beautiful Loch Ness, home of fog, crotchety old guys, and a dinosaur-like carnivore that is said to devour children." How romantic.... You got to hand it to Tenchi. Most guys would take Ryoko somewhere nice. He takes her to a damp lake in the middle of nowhere. Tenchi was wearing a T-shirt and jeans, and Ryoko had chosen a sexy miniskirt and halter top combo. "It's been a wonderful evening, Tenchi," Ryoko said in a special tone of voice. "I just wish it could have lasted longer." (Imitates Tenchi.) Yeah, maybe we could get some fishing in. "Well," said Tenchi, "as the frog prince said-`Time is fun when you're having flies.'" (Laugh and snort like stereotypical hillbillies.) Ryoko laughed. "Well, I hope we can do it again sometime soon." Tenchi's smile dimmed slightly. "Don't count on it," he said. "Remember, I promised Ayeka that I would have a date with her also." Well, don't worry. Take her to Loch Ness like you did Ryoko and she'll dump you like a hot rock. Really, why didn't he just take her bowling while he's at it? What's wrong with bowling? (Looks at Davner in shock.) Don't tell me you take Ayeka bowling... And she kicks my ass in every game! What about it?! (Turns away shakes his head ruefully.) Smiling, Ryoko eyed the loch. "Well, while we're here, we might as well go for a swim." (Coughs.) Monster! *Cough cough!* Monster! *Cough!* Oh, god! This is going to be like one of those cheesy seventies horror movies where you're safe as long as you have your clothes on. Ya gotta love the shower scenes, though! Are you sure this isn't a lemon? I swear I've heard this setup before in Overfiend. Bah... It was Twin Angels. Tenchi blushed and felt a strange stirring in his nose. "Um-Ryoko, neither of us brought swimsuits." I'm still waiting to hear the problem. "No problem," Ryoko said. Slipping her hand out of Tenchi's, she glanced around quickly and then, seeing no one, began slipping out of her halter-top! (Eyes Ryoko) You know, Ryoko, you really are a very attractive woman. I'm surprised this Tenchi guy hasn't jumped your bones yet. Thanks, Fatora. I don't know what his problem is. He doesn't appreciate you. (Moves closer to Ryoko.) WHO WANTS GOOBERS!!?? (Shoves a package of Goobers between them.) Dammit, Cav! What the hell is your problem today!? Tenchi blushed even deeper and quickly grabbed Ryoko's hand before she had it pulled up above her rib cage, wiping some blood from his nose at the same time. "Ryoko! What are you doing?" he hissed. "Have you gone completely insane?" Well, she wants *you* doesn't she? What the hell does *that* mean!? "What's the matter? Shy?" asked Ryoko, giving a light giggle. (Imitates Tenchi.) No, afraid of being eaten by monsters. And surprisingly, afraid of being eaten by demons, it would seem... (Blasts Davner into a wall!) She gently shook his hand off. "I don't know about you, but I'm hot and sweaty from walking around all evening and I want to cool off." With that, she finished undressing and dove into the cool water. Tenchi gazed after her, embarrassed, but fascinated at the same time. And he had to admit, the water did look inviting. Yeah, freezing water always looks inviting. There's nothing more relaxing than freezing to death. "What the heck," he muttered, wiping some more blood off his face. BWAHAHAHA! WHAT?! (having trouble breathing) Tenchi... get in the water with naked... with a naked Ryoko! BWAHAHA! (tears coming from eyes) Oh that's rich! What's next? Is he going to start hitting on her?! (getting angry) What the hell is wrong with that scene?! (out of breath) Maybe... maybe... maybe he'll ask her to have sex in the next scene! (falls on floor laughing) (pouting) I don't find this funny. (stops laughing) Oh, they're all so mean. You look so tense Ryoko, Want a back massage? Hmm... that actually sounds good... But we'll have to go to your bedroom first. Afterall you do have to strip... (blinks) TRY THE SALTED PEANUTS!!! (shoves bag in Ryoko's face) THEY'RE GREAT! (takes bag and beans Cavis off the head with it) Would you quit that! I was thinking more along the lines of milk duds. (grins) (sweats) Come on Afura! This has gone on long enough! Oh this hasn't even begun! (cackles) "It's not like there's really a monster in there." He shucked out of his clothes and dove in after Ryoko. Yeah, not like monsters really exist... Love me! Feel bad for me! (shudder) (blinks) What was that?! (grins) A nice lady who I think you could learn to like... My type? Oh just about anything is her type. (grins) Can't wait to meet her! (whispers to Afura) Jeez! That's too cruel even for her! (blasts Davner into the wall) Getting molested by Wookies is going to seem fine after she gets done with her. (evil grin) They swam around, splashed each other, and generally were having themselves a good old time (Southern hick accent) We're having us a good ol' fashioned hoe down! (although Tenchi found Ryoko floating just a tad too close for comfort too often for it to be a coincidence), He thought about this a lot before he got in the water naked with her, didn't he? but dark clouds were beginning to gather over the loch. Henrii Lok? Now now Dav... we agreed not to speak of him anymore. He's gone to... a far far far worse place then hell... Henrii no like tree whore and animal girl! (chuckle) "It looks like a storm's coming. We better leave Ryoko." The demoness agreed, but before they had a chance to get out of the water, a sudden bolt of lightning struck the surface. ... Does... does anyone else see where this is going? (starts praying) PLEASE DO NOT BE THAT LAME! Both warriors felt electricity surge through their bodies, seeming to tear them apart from the inside out. Then, mercifully, they both lost consciousness. Where they both proceeded to drown in the water. The end. HEY! Like you think this fic is aiming for realism?! What's next? Aiming for good taste? *** When Tenchi came to, he saw the loch far below. (sings.) I believe I can flyyyy! I believe I can touch the skyyy! Ryoko was floating on the surface. Her head was above water and she didn't seem to be seriously injured, Having a medical degree and all and being able to assess her condition from mid-air... Wimps. After getting shocked three or four times you can barely feel it at all. (looks at audience) And you wonder why he can take this kind of punishment? but Tenchi was wondering what had happened to himself. [Am I having an out-of-body experience?] he thought. [And if I am, where's my body?] (immitating Mulder) And if so, do aliens really exist? Is there a vast government conspiracy going on in an attempt to cover up the truth from the American people? Trust no one. I want to believe. What have you done with my sister? Can I have some more goobers? Suddenly, Tenchi realized that his body was right where it belonged-wrapped around his mind. ... My eighth grade English teacher would have a heart attack if she read that. (squinting eyes) If she could understand it... Maybe it's Portuguese? Maybe it's the American school system at work. At least we have a school system. I don't recall ever seeing Alielle in school. She's got more important things to do with her life then go to school! (mutters under her breath) Like kiss your ass... "Hey, I'm flying!" he cried. "Even with the Light Hawk Wings I could never do this!" (Sings) I believe I can touch the sk... (Stuffs a pack of Goobers in his mouth.) Okay, Dav! We get it! Suddenly, his excitement was overcome with concern. True, Ryoko didn't look injured, but Tenchi knew from experience that it took a lot to so much as mess up her hair. Yeah! Negishi! And the jolt from the lightning had been enough to knock her unconcious. Trying to remember how easily Ryoko flew, he tried the easiest thing he could think of. Positioning himself so that his feet were pointing toward the water, he though [Down, gently.] He started floating down slowly and was hovering just over Ryoko a second later. This close up, he could see that she wasn't breathing. "No!" he yelled, scooping her up in her arms. All he could think about was how he wished he had Ryoko's teleporting power so they could get back to the shrine instantly. Then, suddenly- BAM! Hit by a comet! The end! (Gets up to leave.) Ahem. (Cast looks up at her face on the screen.) Just where do you think you're going? Ayeka, darl'n! Fic's over! Davner....Look me in the eye and tell me that...and remember...I'll know if you lie to me. And you know what happens when you lie to me.... *Gulp!* The fic...(Ayeka glares) The fic....is..... (Gives up and sits back down. Rest of cast groans.) Putz! Wuss! Bombastic simpleton! *** They were back. No thanks to Davner! In fact, they had appeared directly in front of Yosho, who looked like he was about to have a heart attack. (immitating Yosho as Ned Flanders) Tenchi, I can see your doodle! Sasami also just happened to wander in at that moment. She took one look at Tenchi and immediately started stifling her giggles. "Boy, is Ayeka going to have a cow when she sees this!" she said between mostly unsuccessful attempts not to laugh. (Imitates nine-teen-forties newspaper reporter.) Newsflash, Earth! Crown Prince of Jurai exposes himself to Second Princess! Second Princess' comments: "I can see your doodle!" Tenchi wasn't in the mood. He's naked. He's wet. He's holding a rather voluptuous woman in his arms. Trust me, he's in the mood! "Where's Washu?" he yelled. "Ryoko's hurt!" (immitating Tenchi) She read this fic and attempted to hang herself! That stopped the giggling. "What? How could-Ryoko- what happened?" Tenchi quickly explained the situation (Imitating Tenchi) So, we decided to go for a swim and we took our clothes off..........Ryoko got hit by a bus! and again demanded to know where Washu was. "Here I am," he heard the familiar voice say from behind him. Tenchi turned around and was about to blurt out what had happened all over again, but Washu held up her hand. "I know. My lab. Now." She disappeared through the dimensional door and Tenchi leapt through after her. Follow the white rabbit...er...Pink scientist. They could at least cover you up! There *is* a child present! What?! They don't notice she's naked!? We noticed just fine, thanks! When he emerged, Washu was furiously punching buttons on her control pad. A long metal table rose up out of the floor. "Put her on it," Washu ordered, And so, the S&M lemon portion of the fic....BEGINS!!! About damn time! (Strikes Davner and Fatora with the mystical hentai mallet!) You two are so hopeless! and as soon as Tenchi had obeyed she began checking Ryoko's pulse and other vital signs, muttering to herself. Tits...check. Ass...che.. (*WHAP*) I MEAN IT! CUT IT OUT! After a minute she said, "Well, mostly she's okay, but she needs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. But-" (Leap out of their seats.) I'm certified for CPR! Outta the way, trench coat boy! She needs an expert! (Whaps Davner with the mallet.) Thanks, Fatora, but I'm fine. (Hugs Ryoko) I'm sorry! I don't know what came over me! I was so worried! (Squeezes Ryoko just a little) Tenchi didn't wait for her to finish. Swiftly, he bent down and pressed his mouth to Ryoko's, (Jumps up and throws her arms into the air.) SCORE!!! forcing air into her lungs. After a few minutes of this, Ryoko began coughing and curled up into a fetal position. The next thing she did was vomit lake water and most of her dinner. So that's what an eaten Happy Meal looks like... She lay like this for a few minutes, hacking and vomiting until she regained control of her lungs and stomach. She looked around with teary eyes. "What happened?" she asked, her voice raspy and obviously hurting her throat. "When we were swimming, a lightning bolt struck the surface," Tenchi explained. "When I woke up, you were unconscious. I somehow managed to teleport you here in time for Washu to save you." Sounds like a bullshit story to me. Yeah, check her for that new date rape drug. Oh, please! Tenchi wouldn't know what to do with her even if the poor lass *was* drugged. (Blasts Davner into a wall.) HE WOULD TOO! Someone hasn't read Taifun... Tai what? (throws box of goobers at Cavis's head) Shush! Ryoko was obviously disturbed by these events. "How- how can you teleport? I never knew it was part of your powers." Well, let's just check the list, shall we? (Takes out a piece of paper and reads.) The power to be a geek? Check. The power to stutter and fidget like a buffoon? Check. The power to huddle up in a cabin with Ayeka? Chec...HEY! The power to make out in said cabin while rain drops patter against the window, both of them wet, their clothing removed as they... (Cries.) STOP! STOP! PLEASE! I'm merely stating the facts. IT'S NOT TRUE! (cries) Oh, why?! Why?! Why can't *I* ever be kissed like that?! (leans toward Ryoko...) HAVE SOME PEANUTS! (Whispers to Cavis.) Okay...here's the deal...You do that *one more time* and I'll gut you like a pig. Okay? (Nods.) "It's not," Tenchi replied. "Ryoko-try to fly up to the ceiling." "O-okay," Ryoko said. She closed her eyes and concentrated. Nothing happened. She opened her eyes and seemed to be in a panic. "What's happened to me? Why can't I fly?" Maybe you don't *believe* you can fly! (Music plays in the background.) Davner...stop it....I mean it. Washu cut into the conversation. "Let me do a quick scan," she said, passing one of her many instruments over Ryoko's body. Her brow wrinkled, and she tapped it a few times to make sure it was working properly. Finally, she shook her head. "These energy readings are a lot lower than normal. Tenchi, let me scan you." She repeated the procedure, and then folded the instrument up, putting it back in its storage space. "Tenchi, look at your left wrist." Ryoko naked... Tenchi's wrist hurts... oh Lord it's End of Eva all over again! Tenchi did as Washu said and was surprised to see a small, marblelike jewel glowing in the joint. "That-that looks like Ryoko's last gem." The last since the other two mysteriously exploded prior to the fic without explanation. Damn low budget fics! "It is," Washu said. "Your energy readings were higher than normal. Although what I'm about to say is probably an impossibility-I think you two have traded powers." So...now *Ryoko* is a spineless, sexless ass, and Tenchi is a badass demon with kick-ass powers?! (Imitating Tenchi.) SWEET! Ryoko was visibly stunned. "You mean I can form the Light Hawk Wings?" she asked. (immitating Washu) No, but you now contain three times as much blood as you used to and will release most of it at the site of a naked member of the opposite sex. "Only through extreme concentration, like I do," said Tenchi. Suddenly, he's an expert. "I just pray this isn't permanent." *** On the opposite side of the world, in the USA, a young man went into convulsions and died. The coroner examined him and ruled that, for no apparent reason, his nervous system had simply shut down. (Imitating Dr. Nick Riviera.) HI, EVERYBODY! HI, DR. NICK! But the coroner was wrong. Something had entered the man's system and taken control. And you can bet it's a Microsoft product! And that night, at the time that the sun was beginning to rise on the West Coast, he awoke, and began boring his way (yawns) Well he's certainly good at boring us. to Japan by shooting a beam of green energy at the floor. Had anyone been watching, they might have noticed Oh no! Kagato's back! (immitating Kagato) I have returned from the grave because you can't get good organ music in hell for some reason. that the energy was coming from his hands. *** In the same state, a teenager was consulting a deck of tarot cards. (Groans.) Ah, Christ! Here we go! He was not wearing his customary mask, News flash, pal, a paper bag with the word, "Dumbass" across the front does not count as a mask. the mask that covered the burn scars on the right side of his face from years ago. He was not wearing a shirt, EWW! Beer gut! and his chest and torso were covered with scars from cuts and scrapes that crisscrossed (shakes head sadly) This is why you're not supposed to try to shave your entire body if you can't even avoid cuts on your face. the two runes seemingly tattooed on his muscular chest. Strangely, the scars on his face didn't take away from his overall looks. His overall looks being horrible to begin with... They made one more likely to feel sorry for him than hate or fear him. Chicks dig scars. Makes 'em sympathetic. (Blasts Davner to the wall.) Let's give you a few and find out! He had a calm expression, an expression of one that knows where his life is going in the river of time and has given up fighting the current. So he's a member of the Boston Celtics eh? He shuffled the deck for several minutes, muttering something in an ancient language, Is-thay ic-fay ucks-say! then selected thirteen cards at random. He lay them out in an intricate pattern around a picture of himself, all face down, As if they were looking away from him in shame... then began turning them over, one by one, reciting what the cards were saying to him as he went. "The Devil is going to be attacking the King and Queen of Swords. Devil takes Black's queen and places the king in check. The King of Swords is caught between the Queen of Swords and Queen of Coins. ORGY! The Page of Coins, the Page of Swords, the Fool, (Points at Davner.) the High Priestess, and the Emperor are assisting him. The Devil is going to come-" (Sings) The devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal.... Just as he was turning the next card over, it caught on a splinter on his desk and ripped a tiny hole in it. He looked at the card in alarm. " through a tear in the World. The Wheel of Fortune WHEEL! OF! FORTUNE!!! (Takes notes.) is rolling in the Devil's favor, but with help from-" The People's front of Judea! He stopped for a moment, and closed his eyes, holding his hand over the deck, certain that it would guide him to the right card. When he felt his fingers strike paper, he lifted the card to his eyes and opened them. He stared in shock. "Me. I am going to be the one to assist the KS and his friends in battle." (immitating teen) With my wonderful card shuffling skills! (Imitates teen in battle.) Follow the red card! Red card! Follow the red card! The devil, the KS, and his friends can all solve their problems with a wonderful game of Uno. He threw the picture of himself up in the air. It struck the edge of the next two cards that were hanging over the edge of the table. They both fell to the floor, the card landing on top of his picture. The teenager stared in shock. (immitating teen) I couldn't pull that off again even in a hundred years... "Death. The Lovers. Someone I love is going to die in this fight, or another where I fight by the side of the King of Swords." (Imitating Dr. Evil.) Riiiiiiigggghhht.... But then, his expression softened again. He stood and picked up his mask, running his fingers over it, feeling it, his hand lingering over the strangely shaped bump that held its built-in thought sender. Available at your local Radio Shack! He looked at it with an expression of sadness. "For years, I've fought the good fight. I've saved lives and ended the lives of those who threatened others. The cards are not all knowing. They have always left a margin of error. (reads warning on cards) Warning: 99% chance of error. Do not actually believe the results of these cards. Warranty void in Florida... Damnit! Everything is void in Florida! I always knew that the next battle might be the last for me or my loved ones. So why do I hesitate now?" Easy answer. You're a pussy. WUSS! Slowly, he pulled the mask on, slipping the elastic band under one ear and over the side of his head. He changed into his customary battle outfit, Last time I checked a cardboard box with pictures of armor drawn on it didn't hold up long in battle. a martial arts gi, an outfit that would allow him to move freely. He tied a black belt around his waist, and smiled, remembering the teacher who had pushed him toward it. And out a window, which would explain the scars. He picked up three throwing stars and slipped them into the hidden pockets of his suit. A sword was the next thing he took, strapping the scabbard to his back in a position where he could reach it easily. He put on a pair of boots that came up to midcalf, with weighted soles that would allow him to throw more powerful kicks. Why does every SI author seem to make their original character a martial arts badass? I blame it on Chuck Norris, myself. Why? ...............I just do. He picked up several thought senders and put them in another pocket in case the people he was about to help didn't speak English. It being easier to *think* in a foreign language than actually speak it... (Gets up and walks out the theatre door.) Last, he gathered his deck of tarot cards and slipped them into another pocket. (At the payphone outside the theatre.) Yeah? Psychic Friends? (Pulls out a notepad.) I need to ask about tarot card readin...No, I don't have a credit card.... No, I don't want to know about my career path....I need to ask you about some tarot ca...(Sighs) Listen lady, I don't want to hear about....Secret lover?......I'm listening...Uh huh....Uh huh.... Yeah, she's rich....Uh huh....(Rolls eyes.) Well, I already knew she liked *that*!....Now about those cards....*How much* is this costing me?....Screw you, lady! (Slams phone down.) (The theatre. Davner enters and sits down.) Any luck? He's making the shit up... At last, he was ready. He stood in the middle of his room, and was again overcome with a feeling of sadness. He pushed the feeling away. This was no time to start feeling sorry for himself. He touched one of the runes on his chest. His skin turned dark brown and took on a pebbly feel. He felt the familiar falling away as parts of him fell off and began burrowing into the dirt floor. Then, the man who called himself Tarot, vanished. (Imitating TV announcer.) IT'S TAROT! WITH HIS FAITHFUL SIDEKICKS, BLACKJACK, BACCARAT, AND THREE CARD MONTEY! WATCH HIM DEFEAT THE FORCES OF EVIL IN A CAMPY SEVENTIES FASHION! Holy loaded dice, Tarot! It's our arch-nemesis, the Pit Boss! (TV announcer) WILL TAROT MAKE IT IN TIME TO SAVE THE TENCHI GANG!? WHAT EVIL AWAITS OUR ENERGY EXCHANGED DUO!? WHO WILL STAND AND WHO WILL FALL!? STAY TUNED! SAME TAROT TIME! SAME TAROT CHANNEL! (Afura and Fatora stand outside the theater while Cavis, Ryoko, and Davner try to get drunk) (looks at Fatora and starts laughing) Smooth move back there with Ryoko. Shutup! I was *this* close damnit. Awe, don't worry. You'll be back in Roshtaria soon and you can continue to fail to score with everyone there. (thinks) You know... I'll be back in Roshtaria, but you'll still be stuck up here. (sighs) Yeah, life's a bitch. (grins evilly) It doesn't have to be that way. What are you talking about? You know... I could bring you home with me... What?! How in the hell do you expect to pull that off?! Oh you know. Princess, Eye of God, that sort of stuff. You want to get down or not? (blinks) Well it's better then being stuck up here. But... there's a price. (sighs) What do you want? (whispers in Afura's ear) NOT A CHANCE IN HELL! That's my final offer. Either take it or you can stay up here with that walking mid-life crisis and that horney space pirate. (cries) But... but... I don't want to! Shh... it'll be all right. Just come with Fatora... (Fatora and Afura walk off towards Afura's quarters) (1 hour later) (knocks on Afura's door) Afura! You in there? Ayeka says break is over. (door opens) (exiting room) That was wonderful, Afura. (white as a ghost, looks into Afura's room and sees Afura lying in bed naked) DAVNER! Um... uh... it's not what you think! (standing still) Afura... lesbian... oh my... (faints) *** Tenchi was awakened from a sound sleep by a strange rumbling from outside. (immitating Tenchi yelling out the window) Would you quit eating those chili carrots, Ryo-Ohki! [Aw, no, not an earthquake!] he thought, jumping up from his bed and looking out the window. What he saw was worse than any earthquake. IT'S ROSEANNE! A man, looking about twenty, was emerging from the ground surrounded by what seemed to be green flames. THE GREEN LANTERN!!! "Tenchi Masaki!" the man yelled. "I, Kain have returned to take my revenge on you and claim my rightful place as ruler of the universe! If you will not fight me, I will destroy you outright!" ... ... This... this has to be the LAMEST villain resurection I've ever seen... ... I... I'm sorry... this is beyond comment... Should... should someone note that Kain is a TV character? I'm pretty sure that compared to the rest of what the author just did that that doesn't really matter. Tenchi was dumbfounded. [Kain? Alive?] he thought. [How is that possible? We saw him blown apart by that cannon!] Welcome to the Wonderful World of Bad Fan Fiction! Where even the worst plots become reality! Yeah, after this Tenchi is going to score with Kiyone, then Sasami. Ryoko is going to fall in love with Joe the encyclopedia salesman, and Ayeka is going to turn into a ranting psychobitch for no apparent reason. WELCOME TO FAN FICTION! It didn't help matters that he and Ryoko were almost alone. The others, excepting Ryo-Oh-Ki and Sasami, (blinks) I think it's time to play multiple choice. Did the author mean a) except, b) expecting, or c) accepting. I answer a! I'm going with b. c for me. All of the above! had gone on a hike so they could recuperate in peace. Already, he could hear the little cabbit screaming "Miya! Miya! Miya!" in abject terror. Translation: RUN! RUN! CENSUS TAKERS! RUN! Suddenly, a spinning blur of blue and gold flew out from under Tenchi's window. It cut off one of Kain's arms, and then arched back toward its point of origin, almost like a boomerang. Leaning out farther, Tenchi saw Ryoko standing in the back door wearing a familiar pink and green outfit. (Imitates Ryoko.) We don't want any! Ryoko caught the sword Tenchi-ken just before it would have decapitated her and sprinted toward the alien criminal. "You seem to have a lot of fun beating up on youngsters Kain. Why not try a woman instead?" Kain apparently recognized her. "You! I remember you. But you do not wield the same weapon as before. Yes, by all means, remind us about the lame ass plot device. No matter. I will kill you first-as a warm-up!" (Imitates an East German Olympic weight lifter.) Now remumbar to stretch yo mauscles! (Imitates East German Olympic weight lifter.) Ja! You have to stratch! Ja! Ja! Ja! SHUT UP!!!! (Shut up.) Regenerating his arm, he made a light sword appear in his hand and leapt toward Ryoko. Oh God! Even *I* know enough about TMiL to know how lame *that* is! "No!" Tenchi yelled. He knew that in her weakened state she would be no match for Kain. She hadn't even been a match for him when she was at full power! Raw power began surging around him. Suddenly, almost in a solid beam, it flung itself out toward Kain. The energy struck him in the chest and flung him back nearly thirty feet. Generating a light sword of his own, Tenchi teleported to Kain and raised the light sword over his head. "It ends Kain. Here and now." (Imitated Patrick Stewart.) THIS FAR! NO FARTHER! (Imitates Mel Gibson) BUT THEY'LL NEVER TAKE...*OUR FREEDOM!* (Imitates Linda Hamilton) YOU'RE TERMINATED, FUCKER! (Imitates Kate Mulgrew) Time's....up! (Looks at Ryoko.) What?! Huh!? I *love* that show! (Shakes his head in shame.) I don't know you. He drove the sword down. Kain didn't let the blade pierce his skin. He blasted Tenchi in the stomach, throwing him back. "You're right, Masaki. It does end. Here and now." Please, God, let him be right! Tenchi was close to panic. [Regenerate!] he screamed to his tortured body. (Imitates Tenchi) And grow me some muscles while you're at it! And a brain! And a nice firm tush! (Stares at her.) He saw what he thought was probably that last thing he was going to see. He saw Kain's sword rushing down toward his head. Beats the sight of a Saigon whore laughing down at you while she stomps on you with stilletto heels. (Stares at Davner) You are a sick...perverted...hentai little man. Yeah...but at least I'm not into wookies. (Snickers.) (Blasts Davner into a wall.) (Returns to his seat.) Come on, Afura! Surely you know what's it's like to have to deal with a screaming, hysterical woman in the sack. (Grins evilly.) What do you mean, Dav? Oh, well Afura... (Grabs Davner by the collar and whispers.) If you tell them, I'll call Ayeka and tell her that you and I went at it in the closet and that I'm expecting a little Davner *REAL* soon! How long do you think you'll live after she hears that? (Grins evilly.) But that's a lie! I would've remembered that.....I think. Do you think Ayeka will care? .................. (Turns to Ryoko) Nutt'n. Suddenly, he saw something appear between Kain's sword and himself. A mime! It was tall, human-shaped, brown and pebbly. A brown, pebbly mime! It apparently took Kain by surprise also. The light sword disappeared. The THING What a cool movie! Kurt Russel kicks ass! shoved Kain backward and took on a more solid appearance. It was a man, about seventeen years old, wearing a white martial arts gi with a black belt, and a white mask that covered the right side of his face, a sword strapped to his back. (immitating Tarot) Armor... too... heavy... must... rejoin... Gold's Gym! And through all of that he's wearing Tenchi is able to make the analysis that he's about seventeen? And you guys say he has no real powers. "Leave him alone," the man said. Tenchi gave a slight start, surprised that, although the man was speaking a foreign language, he could understand him. Must be the dub. Tenchi's wound finally finished regenerating and he made his sword reappear. (Imitates Tenchi.) Baseball...Ice water...Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day... Wrong sword, Dav... "Thanks man," he said. Aye caramba! Don't have a cow! The stranger glanced at him with an expression of incomprehension, but didn't dwell on it. Ryoko didn't waste any time with thanks. "Look Tenchi, we need to keep Kain busy. I alerted Mom telepathically and she'll warn the others, but it's going to take a few minutes for her to realign the dimensional door! We need backup NOW!" (Mimics a police radio.) All units! All units! We have a three-eleven in progress at the corner of Wuss and Weasel! We need donuts! Repeat: Donuts! "It's here, Ryoko. I don't know who this guy is or even what he is, but I say we take his help." Kain smiled nastily. "Well, well, well. Three for the price of one. I love it!" (Nods.) K-Mart always has the best deals... (loud speaker) Attention K-Mart shoppers; we have a blue light special in aisle six on bad Tenchi fan fics. He shot a beam of power toward them. The stranger brought his arms up in an X block position in front of himself, and suddenly, a wall of rocks appeared in front of him. Kain's shot blasted it apart, but it was blocked just the same. So the X block blocked the rocks as they were knocked apart? And the square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equivalent to the sums of the squares of the other two sides. The man drew his sword and slashed at Kain's chest. Only then, did he get a good look at his opponent's face. Tarot gasped and took a step back, his guard down. "M-Mark?" he said. "No!" Mark Hamill got roped into this fic!? NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Mark MacGuire got roped into this fic?! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch got roped into this fic!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Mark Twain got roped int...(Stops and stares at Davner.) What?! Tenchi quickly threw up his sword, blocking the next blast from Kain. "What's wrong?" he asked. "I thought you were going to help us!" The stranger looked at him dully and pulled something out of his pocket, handing it to Tenchi. He motioned for Tenchi to press the object against his forehead. Tenchi did so, just as he noticed that Ryoko was doing her best to hold Kain at bay. He repeated his question. The man shook his head. "I can't kill him. I just can't." Tenchi shook his head in barely suppressed anger. "Why can't you kill him? (immitating Tarot) Because...Because the king of clubs is boinking the jack of spades and the devil and Miss Jones keep telling the Fool and the Lovers to put a sock in it and Venus is in perfect alignment with Betelgeuse and.... He's trying to kill both us and you!" Well I don't see you making any big contributions, wuss boy! "No!" The man shook his head. "My name is Tarot. (Imitate seventies back up singers.) TAROT! (Deep Barry White voice.) Daaaaammmmnnnn straight. (Barry White voice.) Who's the baddest SI in all fan fiction? TAROT! You got that right, honies. If you mess with Tarot the card man, he will throw down and blow yo ass...a-way! TAROT! Yeah, baby! < That's my brother!" "What?" Tenchi yelled. "Tarot, that is not your brother! If that was your brother then I'm sorry, but he has been taken over by an alien's mind. Your brother is dead! You need to avenge him!" Whoa! Tenchi grew a spine! Who would've guessed? Tarot's eyes brightened slightly. "Yes-you're right. My brother never had any powers." The two warriors turned back to the battle just in time to see Kain throw Ryoko down, knocking the sword out of her reach, and crawl on top of her. I KNEW THIS WAS A LEMON!! Kain pressed his light sword against Ryoko's throat and whispered cruelly, "Now I have you!" (Hums seventies porno music.) (Imitates a floozy version of Ryoko) Well, enjoy yourself, big boy! (Blasts Davner.) One of Tarot's throwing stars struck Kain in the temple, lodging one of its sharp points in his brain. (Imitates Kain) Owie. Kain roared in pain and rolled off of Ryoko, (Floozy Ryoko voice.) But we're not done! clutching the side of his head. (Imitates Kain) Forget it, bitch! I have a headache. Your twenty's on the nightstand! Get out! "And now you don't," hissed Ryoko, quickly getting up, grabbing the sword, and running toward Kain with the sword poised be driven through his chest. Kain rolled away from the stab and pulled the throwing star out of his temple. He rubbed the spot and smiled ruefully, smearing the blood. "Human bodies have more weaknesses than I thought. No matter, though. I can still kill you all without taking a deep breath in between!" (takes a deep breath.) Suddenly, Kain was a bit more nervous, something that might be attributed to the fact that five swords were pointed at his throat and two robots' energy weapons were aimed at his head. Yosho looked into Kain's eyes with no regret and less pity. "This will be the last time you threaten my grandson, Kain," the old warrior said in a steely voice. (Imitating Alex Trebec.) Under the category of "Lame Ass Rescues," here's the answer... "Or my daughter," said Washu in a voice even harder than Yosho's. One by one, the members of the Masaki household named what person they were close to that Kain would never threaten again. (Imitates Noboyuki) Pamela Anderson Lee! (Imitates Mihoshi) That cute paperboy I flash every morning! (Imitates Kiyone.) That cute paperboy Mihoshi flashes every morning! At last, they came to Tarot. He was the only one among the group who held any emotion at all in his voice. He said, "You murdered my brother and took control of his body. And you didn't leave a tip! You are an abomination-something that passed beyond this world, then returned through a tear in it. The IRS. This is for every person whom you have ever killed to accomplish your own ends." Then, he looked around at the other people who were threatening this thing with him. "If you people don't mind, I'd like play the main part in killing him. (immitating Tarot) Afterall, if it went otherwise how could I establish myself as a shameless SI? We'll slit his throat and then I'll burn him to death." (Imitates Mihoshi) Gangland style! The Masaki household glanced at one another nodded. "Just make sure he's dead," Tenchi said to Tarot. (Imitates O.J. Simpson) One hundred percent, absolutely, not guil...I mean...dead. (Imitates Johnny Cochrane.) This...is Chewbacca... Now poke him with a stick to make sure... Tarot nodded and leaned forward a little, putting the tip of his sword against Kain's throat. "You commented on how the human body has many weaknesses, Devil. Well, as it turns out, one of our weaknesses is fire. A Dungeons and Dragons fan. Use the Mighty Sword of Bad Fic Writer Slaying + 5! Another is loss of blood." Now that's not neccessarily true. After all, we've watched Tenchi unload three four gallons a time whenever Ryoko flashes him. He reversed his grip on his sword and stabbed Kain through the chest, pinning him to the ground like a butterfly in a collection. (Nerd voice.) Here's my monarch butterfly, and over here is my A1 criminal Kain butterfly. Isn't it beautiful? (Laugh like in Revenge of the Nerds.) "That was for my brother." The Masaki's slit his throat, then stood back. Tarot touched the second rune on his chest, then held his hands out toward Kain with the fingers pointing toward him. Tarot's hands glowed for a moment, then streams of fire shot from his fingertips and engulfed Kain. Weakened by his multiple wounds and loss of blood, Kain couldn't regenerate fast enough to recover from the burns. Tarot looked down at the burning alien and said in a voice that no longer held emotion of any kind, "And that was for me." WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE! (Stands up and points at Tarot.) HE RIPPED THAT LAST PART OFF! (Blinks.) What do you mean? HE RIPPED OFF GOLDENEYE! Settle down, Davner, it's a popular, heroic, catch phrase... I'LL KILL HIM! (Pulls AM gun and points it at the screen.) DIE, SI BOY! (Fires at the screen.) GRAB HIM! (Rest of cast tries to subdue Davner. Ryoko straddles him and pins him to the ground.) (Face appears on picture in a picture.) What's going on her...(Sees Ryoko on top of Davner.) You.......SLUT! Oh yeah! This is *much* better! I'LL SEE YOU BOTH ROAST IN HELL! Ayeka! If you don't mind, I'm a little busy trying to subdue your wacko boyfriend! Instead of bitching, you could be helping! Fine! (Hits a switch and Ryoko and Davner are electrocuted. Both are knocked unconscious.) Bitch... O...kay... Break time! (Thirty minutes later. The Satellite's bath.) (Scrubs.) Prissy little bitch...As if I'd really want the little hentai... (Starts scrubbing Ryoko's back.) It's okay. I won't let her hurt you again. Hmmph! It's bad enough Mom tricked me into sleeping with Shin Tenchi, now Ayeka has to go fry me for no reason... There there... (At the bath door.) (Eats some popcorn.) This is better than any old fic... (Grins and nods.) This is going to be *SO* great! (Grins) And you tried to stop it. Sorry, Afura. (The bath.) How's that? (Smiles.) Great. You know, Fatora, I don't have many girlfriends, but I think I like you. Why does Afura think you're such a bitch? She's just jealous, that's all. Well...She doesn't have many friends, either, I guess... (Leans closer to Ryoko.) Friends are important... (The door.) (Grinning and leaning closer.) Here it comes! Her first *BIG* mistake! (Grins evilly.) *Now* who's the lesbian? (The bath.) (Sighs.) Thanks, Fatora. For being there. I guess... (Eyes go wide as Fatora kisses her. Screams.) (Ten minutes later. In the kitchen...) My friends, we are gathered here today to pay final respects to our honored dead... (Belches and rests his drink on the coffin, which lies on the kitchen table. Cavis throws him a look. Davner picks up the drink again.) Terribly sorry... We didn't know Fatora well. She was not long with us... Thank God... But we will remember her as she was. As she would've wanted to be remembered... (Raises his hand.) Wasn't she an arrogant, dominating lesbian with no soul? (Thinks.) Yeah. Just check'n. We must not grieve. Fatora would want us to go on with our lives... (Leans toward Afura) What are you doing after the service? (Winks.) (Rolls her eyes and turns toward Ryoko) *Now* who's the lesbian? (Grins evilly.) (whispers in Afura's ear) Actually that would be... (blasts Davner into the wall) (Fumes.) (Face appears on screen.) WHAT HAVE YOU PEOPLE DONE!? (Raises hand hesitantly.) Um...killed the head of state of the Magnificent World? RYOKO! I should've known you'd do something like this! How am I supposed to explain to Washu that you killed the special guest?! Hey! It wasn't my fault! You did this just to get me in trouble! Didn't you!? Oh, yeah, Ayeka! I took a human life just to make you look bad! (Growls.) Okay! Everyone back in the theatre! I'll find a new special guest! In the meantime, go back to the fic! (Whines.) Awwwww! Do we have to!? We're hungry and tired and... (Deep, Satanic voice.) NOW! (Runs back into the theatre as fast as they can. They take their seats, panting.) Just curious. What do you see in her? (Shrugs.) She makes me laugh. He reached down and pulled his sword out of Kain's chest, seemingly impervious to the heat, which he was. (Sarcastically.) Oh yeah! Hot stuff! (Mutters) Please, I've had milkshakes warmer than him... Betcha Shayla Shayla could kick his ass. According to the rules of SI, she'd end up forgetting Makoto and falling in love with Tarot. !!! I should introduce them... He looked at the fused and melted blade mournfully. "Well, so much for that sword," he said, tossing it away. Suddenly, he felt another energy blade just barely touch his neck. "Hey! What the-?" he yelled, instinctively touching the fire rune on his chest. His hands became balls of fire. Washu didn't let him finish. (immitating Washu) I'm killing you now before you make me fall for you! "I don't know who you are or where you came from, but you'd better explain yourself before you're the next to die." Jeez! Trigger happy bunch in this fic! I never realized how bloodthirsty the Tenchi gang was until I saw one lame author's attempts to make them badasses. "Washu, NO!" Tenchi yelled, knocking her hand away. "Look, I'm as suspicious of him as you are, but I doubt he'll be saying much if you kill him!" Probably, "Ow! Ow! That hurts!" "Tenchi's right, Mom," Ryoko said. "I know I normally don't trust strangers either, but he helped us kill Kain, so I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. For now anyway." Tarot seemed to calm down slightly, but the fire didn't disappear. He glanced at Tenchi. "What did she say?" Something about your mother. Tenchi looked at him warily, glancing at his light sword to make sure it was still generated in case this person who had helped them kill their most powerful enemy wasn't entirely trustworthy. "She wants you to explain yourself. I think she mainly wants to know how you just happened to show up and why you're wearing that mask." Yeah, Zorro, what's up with that? Tarot nodded. "I can understand that," he said. "I guess I'll start from the beginning. Would you mind translating what they say, preferably word for word?" After Tenchi consented to this, he began. In the beginning... It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... Call me Ishmael... These are the voyages of the Starship Voyager... (Stares at Ryoko) I can't believe you watch that show... "I prefer to be called Tarot. (Shaft imitation.) Daaaaaaamn straight. (Imitates seventies back up singers.) IT'S TAROT! It's not my real name, (Sounds shocked.) NO! REALLY?! but then, you can't reveal everything about yourself to strangers. I'm an American, Great, like we haven't done enough to these people. and I'm wearing this mask mainly because of an accident a few years ago. I was playing with my weasel when... You see, I have partial control over two of the ancient Elements, Earth and Fire. (Sings.) In the house of stone and fire!! In an early experiment with them-I was about thirteen-I shot fire at a metal wall in an enclosed space. I hadn't yet developed my invulnerability to heat, so my face was burned and left ugly scars." Translation: I fell off my bike... He paused for a moment and touched the bottom edge of his mask, smiling bitterly. "I learned the hard way not to take unnecessary risks. I nearly lost my right eye and right now I'm nearly blind in it. (Chuckles.) Bet you thought that was an old wives tale, huh? (Looks at Davner) Ewwwwww! I don't think that's why he's blind! (Hits Davner with the mystical hentai mallet.) That's disgusting! God! What does Ayeka see in you!? Hell if I know. You are such a pervert! I swear! And she's no picnic either! You two deserve each other as far as I'm concerned! (Davner bristles.) (Glares at Afura) I can't tell you what Ayeka sees in me, but there's one difference between you and her that makes her the obvious choice. What's that? ??? (Grins evilly at Afura) Ayeka doesn't sleep with other women. !!! !!! (Turns white as a sheet.) I cannot believe you just said that! Believe it cupcake. And you said you hated Fatora... (Looks at Afura aghast.) YOU SLEPT WITH FATORA!! Well, I wouldn't call what they were doing "sleeping..." (Begins crying and blasts Davner to the wall!) I HATE YOU! (Runs from the theatre.) Smooth move, Dav... (Sighs.) Yeah, yeah...I'll go get her. (Gets up and leaves the theatre after her.) (To Ryoko) Beer run? Beer run. (Get up and leave the theatre.) (In the observation lounge.) (Crying.) Afura...C'mon, darl'n, I didn't mean noth'n by it. I know. It's just...*sob*...I didn't want to do it! I just want to go home! (Hugs Afura.) I know. I'm sorry. I...*CRUNCH* AAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHH!! (Grins evilly and tightens the vice grips on Davner's groin.) You are *SO* dead, Davner! (Soprano) Sorry....Darl'n....Please.... Fine! But only because if anything happened to Ayeka's favorite toy, I'd catch hell for it and then I'd *never* get home! (Releases Davner.) (Falls to the ground.) So...are we okay, now? Apology accepted. Good. Sumimasen... (Blink and turn to the door. Misao is standing there.) Who are you, little girl? D...Dare desu ka? We'd better get her to Cavis... (In the kitchen.) So who is she? (Looks around nervously.) Anata wa dare desu ka? Doko...Doko desu ka? What's she speaking? Japanese. Hmmm. (Turns to Afura and Ryoko.) So what's she saying? How are we supposed to know? (Blinks.) But... We don't speak Japanese. YOU'RE ANIME CHARACTERS FOR CHRISSAKES! Yeah! But we're *dubbed*! What?! Well why the hell are you dubbed?! (Points at the reader.) BECAUSE NINETY PERCENT OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO READ THIS MST ONLY SPEAK ENGLISH!! (Kneels in front of Misao.) Konnichi wa. Boku no namae wa Davner desu. Anata wa? (blinks.) Watashi no namae wa Misao desu. She says her name is Misao. (Blinks in astonishment.) I didn't know you speak Japanese, Dav. (Grins.) Luckily, *one* of our authors has taken a semester and a half of the stuff. Okay, so where is she from? Misao chan wa doko ni sundeimasu ka? Tookyoo. I wonder how she got here? (Face appears on screen.) I sent her there. She's your new special guest. Jeez, Ayeka, I didn't think even you would subject a kid to these crappy fics. No choice. *Someone* fried the last special guest. This was the best I could come up with. Now get in the theatre! (Cast reenters the theatre. Seating from left to right is Cavis, Ryoko, Afura, Davner, and Misao.) But, I suppose one should be thankful for small favors. The doctors told me that it was a miracle I hadn't burned my whole body to little more than ash, Not a miracle, just bad luck. Yeah, Tarot, get it right next time! especially after messing with a blowtorch that powerful." His smile took on a genuinely amused look. "That was the explanation I gave them. Told them that I was messing with a blowtorch and I threw it into the trash-burning barrel as soon as I ran out. Maybe that was just an early demonstration of that particular power." The power...to lie. Every superhero has to be able to lie. His face grew serious again. "But, heat is the only thing I'm invulnerable to. Blades and bullets, those that I don't use my power over Earth to block, can hurt me. If your friend," nodding to Washu, "had slit my throat, I would be as dead as him." Yeah! Way to drop the ball, Mom! I wonder how Washu's doing, anyway... (Meanwhile, on Delnar Prime....) All rise! (Everyone in the court room stood up.) This court is now in session. The honorable judge Sasami Jurai, presiding. SASAMI!? (Giggles and sits down behind the bench.) Ayeka suggested I get a part time job. Pretty cool, huh? (Nods.) Now, let's see... (Reads the docket. Glares at Washu.) You're been very, *very* naughty, Ms. Washu! (Sighs.) (Deep Six Nine.) I'm sure she's fine. He motioned to Kain's body. "I'm just glad you gave me this chance to explain." Tenchi shook his head. "But how did you just happen to show up when we needed you? You say you're an American, (Imitates Tenchi,) Yet you drive no gas guzzling American car... so I seriously doubt you just happened by." Tarot nodded. "You're right. I knew because of these." He began to reach into his pocket for his tarot cards, (Imitating Dr. Evil.) Riiiiiiggghhhht.... but thought better of it when Washu put her light sword back to his throat. (Imitates Washu) Hey, now! None of us need to see your pocket monster. (Bashes Davner with the mystical hentai mallet.) You just never learn! "Look, I'm not about to try and kill people that I just helped. Would you mind not putting that thing to my throat every time I move?" (Imitates Tarot.) It chaffes. Washu hesitated for a moment, then obeyed his request. Tarot let his breath out. "Thank you. Now, I knew you were in trouble because of these." He reached into the hidden pocket and pulled out his tarot cards. "Tarot cards. (Groans.) They're what I take my name from, Really? I never would've guessed... and I use them to see where I'm needed." By some miracle, he's usually needed at the local strip club and porno shop. Ayeka raised her hand. "But what did you mean by `a tear in the world?'" she asked. "This life and the afterlife are in separate dimensions. Commonly known as "Here," and, "There," respectively. I knew Haruna's dimension was hell! By a tear in the world, I meant that for whatever reason, the two dimensions had collided, allowing him to cross over to this dimension and take control of another body." Suddenly, the bisected triangle on Sasami's forehead disappeared, replaced by twin circles. "I am Tsunami," (Imitates Tsunami.) And I'm an alcoholic. (Waves at the screen.) Hi, Tsunami! she said, her voice strange and otherworldly. "You and your opposite are the proverbial wild cards. (Groans.) (Imitates Fozzie.) Wokka wokka wokka! No pun intended. Your powers-both of your powers-only occur every billion years. They only occur in intelligent species Disqualifying Tarot immediately! It must be something else! -those with enough intelligence to evolve past what humans call `the Stone Age.' Every time it is in a different species, always both in the same species, and always in a different combination of powers. At this time, your opposite has the advantage over you. (Imitates Tsunami) His deck is marked. He controls the elements of Air and Water, both of which can defeat your own elements." Tenchi hastily translated all this before Tsunami continued. (Imitates Tenchi.) She says you're in deep shit now, Tarot. "You are mostly trustworthy, but I give you this warning-if you ever betray us, you will be destroyed. Is that a threat? That is a promise." Oh. With that, the ancient god-tree finished speaking and allowed Sasami to return. (immitating Tsunami) Thanks for letting me use your body Sasami, you good little whore. HEY! THAT'S SASAMI CHAN! WATCH YOUR MOUTH OR I'LL STAPLE IT SHUT YOU DYKE BITCH! (Blinks.) (Coughs nervously.) Holy shit... Um...sorry... Tarot was visibly shaken. "Okay, I understand." Tenchi heard something rumble again and whirled around before realizing it was just his stomach. (Imitates Tenchi's stomach) Tenchi! I've come to destroy you with gas and heart burn! He rubbed it and grinned sheepishly. "Well, I guess fighting Kain before breakfast takes a lot out of you." (Grins at the screen and holds up an orange cereal box.) Whenever I get hungry battling demons from...There...I eat a big bowl of Lame-O's! (Eats some Lame-O's and nods.) MMMMMMMM mmm! Then, turning to Tarot, he de-generated his light sword and offered his hand. "You're welcome to join us, if you want." (Imitates Tarot.) Really!? (Imitates Tenchi.) No, not really. Tarots hesitated for a moment, then made his hands go back to normal What he do? Shave the hair off it? (Whacks Davner with the mystical hentai mallet.) ENOUGH ALREADY!! and took Tenchi's. "Thank you," he said. "My internal clock is still on American time, but it's getting toward dinner time for me anyway." *** Tarot handed more thought senders out and sat down. (Imitates Mihoshi) This is the strangest tasting candy I've ever had! He ate carefully, making sure not to get any food or drink under his mask and into the scars. He especially seemed to enjoy the green tea. Ryoko must have spiked it with vodka. Did not! Besides...why would I spike *his* drink? "This is delicious," he said to Sasami after taking a sip. Sasami blushed slightly and smiled. "Thank you," she said. "It's my own special blend." Uh oh! The Sasami lemon portion......HAS BEGUN! (Points at the screen.) Sasami chan! Think she knows Sasami? Funny, I've never seen her at the house. After the hearty meal, Tenchi said, "Well, I guess I'll go out and work in the carrot patch." (Holds up a Ryo-Ohki lemon fic.) And we all know what happens...at the carrot patch... Tarot offered to help, but Tenchi just shook his head. "No thanks. I prefer to work alone. Besides," he said, (Imitates Tenchi.) You're a hideous, nightmarish monster. whispering now. "I need someone to keep Ayeka and Ryoko busy. Threesome! (Mallets Davner.) STOP THAT! They have a strange habit of showing up when least expected." Tarot nodded. "I know the type," he whispered back. "Although the ones I know don't usually have blue or purple hair." NOT SASAMI, YOU MORON! Gack! I knew this guy would fit pedophelia in here somehow! (Looks at Ryoko.) She's gonna pop! (Calms down.) Naw! He wouldn't do that! (Crushes a soda can in her hand.) He wouldn't dare risk it.... Tenchi gave a quick grin at that. "Yeah, well, the ones you know probably aren't from other planets either." They just *think* they are... That earned an astonished look from Tarot. "WHAT?!" he whispered as loud as he could without the others hearing. "You mean your girlfriends are aliens?" No, all Japanese girls can form lightswords and fly. Duh! Tenchi grimaced a little. "Well, for one thing, they aren't officially my girlfriends, (Stands up.) WHY DO YOU HATE ME!? and for another, Ryoko's really the one I'm worried about showing up unexpectedly. But I swear, if they pick a fight today I'm gonna blow my top. I HATE it when they fight over me." Yeah...Having girls fight over you. That must really suck. (Rolls eyes.) Hmmm...Ryoko and Ayeka fighting over me....Hmmm.... They wouldn't be using chocolate sauce, Dav. GODDAMMIT! Now it was Tarot's turn to grin. "I know that type too. For whatever reason, girls in my school are unable to resist a man in a mask." (look at each other) This author is such a virgin. Like you used to BE until Fatora came around (starts laughing). Sorry about your loss! Or you until Shin Tenchi came around. (look at each other and start crying) (shake heads) If it isn't one thing it's another... (cries) Fatora damnit! Why does she get all the luck! Tenchi smiled. "Well, see you later," he said and walked out to the garden. Tarot went into the living room and found Ayeka watching some anime. Hey...Is that Overfiend!? (Blinks at the title.) Well, I'll be damned. Ayeka's into tentacles... I'll never look at her in the same way again. The TV screen showed what looked like a man in a white body suit and helmet with his fist sticking through an android's body and out the back. The man pulled his fist out and the android collapsed against him. Tarot turned to Ayeka (Imitates Tarot.) I can do that...I just don't wanna... "Mind if I join you?" he asked. (Imitates Tarot.) I have a mask. Wink, wink. Ayeka glanced at him, as if she wasn't sure what he had just said, then motioned to one of the chairs. "Sure," she said. "It's almost over, but the best part is just about to start." (Imitates Ayeka.) Tentacles! Yea! Tarot sat down and turned back toward the TV. On it, the white-suited man was fighting another robot. He ripped of the robot's arm and threw it away. Tarot winced. "That had to hurt." (Imitates Ayeka) Your feeble attempts to make conversation have no affect on me, Green Lantern. Get him, my legions! The fight went on for a few more minutes and ended with the death of both the robot and the white-suited man. But the strange thing about the end was that, although the white-suited man was dead, the last shot showed him standing on a cliff, looking down at the dozens of people working to build something. The music was slow and melancholy, but uplifting at the same time. "Music of the night," Tarot muttered to himself. Soundtrack by John Tesh... "What?" Ayeka asked. "What did you say?" (Shouts at the screen.) HE SAID 'MUSIC OF THE NIGHT!' "Something from a musical I like. `The Phantom of the Opera' it's called. It's about this guy who's a genius, but he was born with a deformed face. Anyway, he has a crush on this opera singer named Christine that he gives singing lessons to. One night he brings her down to his underground home and sings her a song called `Music of the Night.'" "Really," Ayeka said, looking genuinely interested now. "How does it go?" Tarot cleared his throat and began to sing, Oh shit! Someone stop him! HE'S GONNA DO A NUMBER!!! (Screams in panic.) his voice rising and falling with the notes, seeming almost hypnotic. "Nighttime sharpens, Heightens each sensation. (immitates salesman) And this perfume can be yours for only $19.95! Darkness stirs And wakes imagination. That'd be the effects of a hangover. It allows you to think Rosie O'Donnel is actually Susanne Summers. Silently the senses Abandon their defenses. You sure this isn't a description of a new date rape drug? (hums Cool Devices theme) Slowly, gently, Night unfurls its splendor. (fires anti-matter gun at some mosquitos) Grasp it, sense it. Tremulous and tender. I think I'm aroused... (Raises mallet but stops.) Forget it, it's not as if you're gonna stop. Turn your face away From the garish light of day. Any computer student at MIT will tell you of the evils of sunlight. Turn your thoughts away From cold, unfeeling light, I had a friend once who didn't see the problem with not protecting yourself from the light. What happened? Skin cancer. (starts to choke up) Only used SPF 5! And listen to The music of the night. Keep playing it and I'm calling the cops! Some people are trying to sleep at 3 a.m.! Close your eyes and surrender To your darkest dreams. (immitating Cinemax announcer) Give into your most secret pleasures. Friday, at midnight, only on Skinemax! Purge your thoughts Of the life you knew before. Close your eyes, let your spirit Start to soar. (hums Cruel Angel Thesis) And you'll live As you've never lived before. La vida loca! (puts hand over Afura's mouth and glares at her) If you ever mention that again, I will not be held responsible for what happens. (nods quickly) Softly, deftly, Music shall surround you. (speakers in theater blast sound) Dolby Surround Sound: The audience is now deaf. (shouting) WHAT DID IT SAY? (shouting) WHO SHOT WHO IN THE WHAT NOW? Feel it, hear it, Closing in around you. Open up your mind, Let your fantasies unwind, (begins to open mouth) (glare at Davner) (shuts up) In this darkness which you Know you cannot fight. An advertisement for La Blue Sammy. La Blue Sammy wa nan desu ka? (puts hands over Misao's ears) Don't ever mention that around her again! Do you want another Kasumi?! Sorry... The darkness of The music of the night. (in seductive voice) So dark, and rich, and creamy! (in seductive voice) Try Ben and Jerry's new flavor. Let your mind start a journey Through a strange new world. (sings) A whole new world! (sings) You never had a friend like me! (glare at Cavis and Davner) What?! How dare you bring up Disney around anime characters! (hangs head in shame) Sorry... Yeah, you oughta be sorry! Leave all thoughts of The life you knew before. Let your soul take you Where you long to be. ... The Playboy mansion? Only then can you belong To me. WE DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO YOU, CARD BOY! Floating, falling. Sweet intoxication. Here's to alchohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. Touch me, trust me. No. Savor each sensation. Let the dream begin, Let your darker side win in. (breathing heavily) Give yourself to the dark side. To the power of the music That I write. The power of The music of the night. You alone can make my song Prevent forest fires! Take flight. Help me make the music of the Night." No. Ayeka clapped a little after the song ended, but Tarot also heard the sound of some more clapping coming from behind him. He turned around and saw Washu standing by the dimensional door, her hands moving at a blinding pace. (Begins to say something. Afura whacks him with the mallet.) Don't even think it! (Waves her hand over her head to shoo away a bird that somehow got into the theatre. The bird lands next to Misao and stares at her.) Misao chan? (Dazed.) Sumimasen... (Gets up and stumbles out of the theatre.) Guess she don't like the fic either... "Bravo! Encore!" she said, although it was mostly meant as a joke. Tarot also noticed that Yosho had joined the party. "That was indeed beautiful, Tarot," he said, bowing with a measure of respect. "In Japan we might have different music, but that would be called beautiful by any standards." NOT MINE! (A girl enters the theatre and sits down.) Misao chan? (Blinks when he realizes it's not Misao.) Dare desu ka? Me! Watashi no namae wa PIIIIIXXXXXXXYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MISA! Um... Dav...who's this? How should I know?! CAAAAAALLLLLIIIINNNNGGGGG MYSTICS! What the hell is she rambling about? (A large monster in the shape of a piece of computer paper appears behind Pixy Misa.) !!! Warui Fic Onna! (Points at the cast) KOROSE! Dav? RUN! (Screams and runs from the theatre, the love love monster in hot pursuit. Pixy Misa laughs maniacally.) (Running down the corridor.) What the hell is that thing!? If my Japanese is right, it's "Bad Fic Girl." (Mutters.) Great. Having to watch a horrible fic isn't enough. They had to go and personify one... No prob! (Stops, turns, and fires an energy blast.) (Continues toward the group.) SASAMI LEMONS! SASAMI LEMONS GA SUKI DESU! Uh oh! Didn't work! Cavis....Let's go! (Begins running again.) (Flying alongside the group.) Any ideas!? (Turns down another corridor.) Follow me! I got myself a plan! (In the kitchen.) So let me see if I have this straight... (Davner is standing in front of the screen. Behind him, Cavis is standing in the doorway, firing his blaster down the corridor.) You want me to send my little sister up there to kill the big, bad monster that's terrifying the four of you...Is that it? (Nods.) That's the short and skinny of it, yeah. (Behind him, Cavis' eyes go wide, and he runs down the corridor. Bad Fic Girl runs past the door after him.) KIYONE TO TENCHI FICS! Davner, this is by far the lamest thing I have ever heard in my entire life. (Ryoko and Afura fly past the door, Ryoko's sword ignited and Afura's lamp activated.) It's really not as lame as it sounds... (Afura and Ryoko race past the door in the other direction, Bad Fic Girl right on their heels.) Forget it! I'm not sending Sasami up there for whatever devious scheme the four of you managed to cook up! Ayeka! (Runs up panting.) Any luck!? Where's the monster? Don't know. It turned a corner and disappeared. Good! Now get back in the theatre! (Whiny voice.) But Ayeeeekaaaa! The monster might be in there! Davner....don't test me. But we're gonna die! Only if you *DON'T* go into that theatre. (Look at each other.) Or do I need to start pressing some of the buttons here on Washu's computer? *Sigh* Okay. We're going. (Ayeka's face disappears. Ryoko and Afura appear at the door.) Well? (Nods at her.) We're gonna die. (Sighs.) Okay... (Draws his blaster.) Let's go. (Outside the theatre door. Afura puts her hand on the doorknob.) (Raises blaster. Davner raises AM gun. Ryoko readies an energy blast. Whispers.) Three...Two...One...NOW! (Afura throws open the door. The rest aim their weapons. Misao looks up from her seat fearfully.) Misao chan? H...Hai. (Looks around the theatre.) Misao chan wa Pixy Misa o mimashita ka? (Shakes her head.) Iie. She hasn't see her. I wonder where she went. Let's bar the door so she can't get in. What if we have to get out in a hurry? Duh. We won't have to. She'll be stuck outside. Oh! Yeah! Good point! (Begins barricading the door. A parrot flies around the room.) Tarot blushed a bright red and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. He wasn't used to being the focus of so much attention. Yeah, people tend to overlook freakish, masked nightmares. That's pretty cold, Afura. "All it takes is practice. And beer! Lots of beer! You should hear Davner sing when he gets drunk. Davner...*sings*?! (Clears his throat.) The minstrel boy to the war is goooone! Stop....Now....or I swear I'll kill you. ... That's always been a dream of mine, to sing the title role in `Phantom of the Opera.'" Yeah, I have that dream a lot. Then Afura pops out of a cake naked and the pink elephants fly me off to the planet of the cat babes where I.... (Snaps fingers.) Where they feed you grapes and expensive champagne!? (Blinks.) You have the same dream!? Every night! (High five.) Yeah! He touched his mask and smiled, just a tad ruefully. "I wouldn't even need to use any makeup." Washu eyed his mask critically. "You know," she said, "If you want me to, I can reconstitute those scars. You wouldn't need the mask any more." (Imitates Tarot.) Nah, I was hideous before the scars too. Tarot was a little taken aback by this offer from someone who had threatened to kill him bare hours ago. "I- I'll think about it." (immitating Tarot) Drat, if they reconstruct their face they'll find out I'm really Shinji Washu seemed to understand. "That's okay. Tenchi doesn't really enjoy participating in my experiments either." She smiled mischievously. "I can't imagine why." I can. I wonder how Washu's doing at her trial. (Delnar Prime.) Hmmmmm...Well, after reviewing all the evidence, there's only one possible verdict I can come up with. (Bangs gavel.) Guilty as sin! (Sighs.) You've been very naughty, Ms. Washu, and very, very, *VERY* mean to Ryoko. Now there are two possible sentences. First, they can throw you into a pit with eight kangorillas that'll pummel you to death and eat you... I'll take choice two. Five weeks of counseling with Ryoko! What was that first choice again? (Frowns.) Ms. Washu, you have to be punished. Fine. I guess I'll go to counselling. I'll figure out a way. (Grins.) Good. Case dismissed. (The Satellite.) I'm sure it's going great. I hope they give her the chair. Now, Ryoko, that's just stupid! .... Delnar Prime doesn't use the chair, they have a gas chamber. Gas her then! I'm still having Shin flashbacks! Tarot was about to make a reply, but suddenly felt a yawn force its way out. "Sheesh, I must be more tired than I thought," (Imitates Tarot) Saving Tenchi's ass is exhausting work. *Yawn* he said. He shook his head. "I think I'll go for a walk, clear my head," he said, turning and heading out the door. Tarot walked along for a few minutes before coming to one of the several trees the Masakis had on their property. (immitates Tarot reading sign on tree) Warning: Not responsible for the any consequences such as rape and long hair growth from walking near these trees. What the... AHHHH! He sat down and leaned against it, enjoying the coolness of the shade, the rough bark of the tree behind him. Within minutes, he was asleep. (Imitating a policeman.) Hey! No vagrants! *** In Tarot's dreams, he saw a man his age. Gay lemon! He was fighting him. Gay S&M lemon! Fighting him and losing. Gay S&M submissive lemon! The man seemed unstoppable. He had powers of control over the Elements of Air and Water. Captain Planet? Nah, head of the EPA! Has to be Al Gore. ......Satan? He had used these powers to rid Tarot of his sword and block his throwing stars. Tarot saw Washu lying on the ground, her stomach torn open. Tenchi had lost both his eyes somehow. He must have seen Noboyuki in the shower. He was screaming, We're all screaming on the inside... unable to concentrate enough to regenerate. Ryoko was lying on the ground, unconscious, her face turning an alarming shade of blue. Too much blueberry slush? BRAIN FREEZE!!! Tarot saw the others, None of whom are worth mentioning. all unconscious, all out of the fight. Except for Tsunami. (Hums the Xena: Warrior Princess theme hopefully.) He couldn't see her anywhere. Where was she? She should have been here by now, if she had followed the plan. It was up to him now. He threw a blast of Fire at the man. The man obliterated it with Water. Tarot tried to force pieces of Earth into the man's eyes, Hey! When I do that, they call it fight'n dirty! It's a little different, Dav. only to have them blown away by Air. Tarot realized that he couldn't beat this man in a battle of Elements. He would have to use the signal. OH CHRIST! NOT THE SIGNAL! ANYTHING BUT THE SIGNAL!! Afura, he's using the signal. Hold me! (Glomps Afura.) HEY! LEMME GO YA LITTLE BAKA!!! HEY! DON'T TOUCH THOSE! He looked around wildly, trying to find something, anything that he could use as a weapon. (Holds up various objects including a rubber chicken, a coffee pot, a plush cabbit, and a condom.) Then, he felt the man's foot in his face, he was flying back, landing painfully on the ground. His eyes saw what he was certain would be his last vision. Leering down at him, he saw the face of- JESUS!! (Plants his hand on Ryoko's forehead.) MY GOD!! I CAN *SEE*!!! (Sing.) A-ma-zing grace... *** Tarot awoke with a start, screaming the name of his enemy. (Imitates Tarot.) DAVID HASSELHOFF!!!! He braced himself, ready for the next blow, then realized it wasn't going to land. He slumped against the tree. "Only a dream," he gasped. "Only a dream." He felt a hand touch his shoulder. Screaming, he jumped up, drawing one of his throwing stars and whirling around. Washu raised her hands in surrender. "Whoa, whoa, easy there Tarot. It's only me." Tarot breathed a sigh of relief and pocketed his star. "I'm sorry, Washu," he said. "I had a nightmare. Pretty scary one." (Imitates a sleepy, four year old Tarot.) Can I sleep with you tonight? "I can imagine," Washu said, breathing a sigh of relief now that the star was away from her throat. "It would have had to be in order to get you to react like that." (immitating Washu) Don't worry! I'll fix your problem with being attracted to Tenchi... Tarot looked at her small, childlike face, and felt his eyes being drawn to her lips. PEDO! PEDO! He tore his gaze away, only to find it wandering back again, to her eyes-her large, beautiful eyes. Ewwwwwwww! (Covers Misao's eyes.) Mimasen! Mimasen! He looked at her hair and restrained himself, but he could not deny the fact that he wanted to touch it, feel it, kiss it. Hold it. Caress it. Lick it. Love it! HAVE IT! (Stares at Cavis.) He found himself tongue-tied. (Looks up.) Tied up!? (Sighs and shakes her head.) "I-I'll be in in a few minutes Washu," he said. Once she was gone, he gave himself a mental shake. [What are you thinking?!] half of him screamed. (immitating Tarot's brain) I honestly don't know because your ego crushed your ability to think! [You barely know this girl! You just met her a few hours ago! You don't know a single thing about her!] His other half, however, was saying, (Imitating Tarot's brain.) Damn! You see the knockers on that twelve year old?! She reminds me of a boy. Damnit! I'm going through my pedophelic homosexual phase again! Dyke.... Yeah? Well at least I'm not Fatora's bitch! You kissed her! You... TOO MUCH INFORMATION! NOT ENOUGH INFORMATION!! [That's true, you do barely know her. And you did just meet her a few hours ago. But haven't you ever heard of love at first sight? Yeah; the kind that never works out and usually ends with someone dead. Such as? Romeo and Juliet. Siskel and Ebert? (Mutters.) Afura and Fatora. (Gets wind blasted into the wall.) (Shouts at Ryoko) Hurts, don't it!? (Laughs, and gets wind blasted next to Ryoko.) Go ahead, reach into your pocket, take a card from the deck at random and see what it says about you and her!] (immitating Tarot) Ah the cards. How I make all my important decisions in life like when I decided to pass up that million dollar check and when I sold my mother to science. Tarot hesitantly obeyed his second half. He reached into his pocket, parted the deck a little, and drew a card from the deck. He held it up and looked at it. (reads card) Rules of Tarot cards... (immitating Tarot) Wow! I probably should've read these before I started playing with the cards... It was the card from the Major Arcana called The Lovers. He was in love. (sing Back in Love) (puzzled look, then starts to sing Boys Be Free) What the hell is that? It's called the original song before Pioneer dubbed it. [But what guarantee do you have that she feels the same way?] his first half screamed. That would be the will of a bad SI author. [She didn't give any indication-] [She offered to heal my scars, didn't she?!] his second half screamed back. Well she got sick of looking at your ugly face! The only show where that equates to love is Ranma! [That's more than anybody else has done for me since I got them! Well that's because you sealed yourself up in your house and didn't talk to anyone since it happened. And no, the pizza delivery boy doesn't count. She offered to heal my scars-oh, damn it!] Tarot was firmly set in his resolve now. He would accept her offer. And then, he would ask her out. And this'll be the last time mom ever offers to help anyone again... *** Tarot walked back into the house and found Washu holding Tenchi by his feet and trying to drag him through the dimensional door to her lab. (points towards screen) Is *this* a woman that you want to date? (thinks) Yes. Ryoko and Ayeka were holding his arms and trying to pull him away from the dimensional door. Tenchi was screaming at all three of them to just drop him and give him a ten-second head start. (growls) I am *SO* going to kill her! (sighs) Here we go again. I hope the bitch is frying right now! (Meanwhile in the lab) (sweating) Yes, Washu. Everything is fine over here. How did the trial go? (growls) They want Ryoko and I to enter counseling! (puts hand over mouth and laughs) Oh my. I'm sure she'll really enjoy that. Yeah, whatever. How's things going with the guest? You know that we nearly got sued over Kasumi! I hope nothing has gone wrong with this one! (nervous) Oh... of course nothing has gone wrong. What would give you that idea? Your highness, we have taken care of the body as you requested. (sweats) Body? What body? (glaring at Azaka and eyeing towards screen) (sweatdrops) Um... nothing at all your highness. Princess Ayeka, we have contacted the Roshtarian palace. They send their thanks in removing the problem and wish to award priestess Mann by making her the new leader of the Alliance due to the bravery she showed. Oh and a Miss Shayla asked me to relay a message to Priestess Mann: "Ha ha you dyke." (blinks) What the hell is going on over there?! (trying to recover) Um... nothing whatsoever, Washu. Have a safe trip back! (hits switch) YOU MORONS! You want her to get mad at me?! (sweat) We're sorry, princess! (sighs) Well, atleast they won't be pressing charges. Will you inform Miss Mann of her new position? (grins evilly) Um... yes I will. Thanks for your help. You may leave now. Yes ma'am! (laughs) That'll teach you to attack me! Tarot suppressed a laugh at this ridiculous scene, especially at the fact that Washu was starting to gain the upper hand. Tarot decided to break it up. "Washu?" he said. "Oh! Tarot," Washu said. "How's it going?" "Well, I've decided to take you up on your offer." (Imitates Jed Clampet) Sex for samples sounds like a mighty fine deal to me! (Spits into a spitoon.) This surprised Washu enough that she dropped Tenchi's feet. (imitates Washu.) Sucker! The girls, suddenly pulling against no resistance, went sprawling, still holding Tenchi's arms, which caused him to land most unceremoniously spread-eagled across both of them. YES!!! He immediately jumped up and ran. NO!!! Washu, however, seemed pleased that someone finally wanted to participate in her experiments. Aside from the rats and the criminally insane, that is... "All right Tarot!" she said. "Right this way." She motioned for him to follow her through the dimensional door. Into the jaws of death walked the imbecile... Just as Tarot stepped through, he wondered if this was such a good idea. When he arrived in the lab, Washu had already called her experiment table up out of the floor. "Lie down," she said. "And take off your mask." Kinky... Ugh! It's hard enough hearing it from him! (Points at Davner.) He's just being honest...from what Meg says... !!! (Grins.) Tarot obediently did as she said. He hesitated a little before removing the mask, praying that the scars wouldn't repulse her. If she's not repulsed by your personality, trust me, your scars won't even phase her. Whatever you do, though...don't...remove...your....*PANTS*! To his relief, all Washu did was wince in sympathetic pain and mutter a low "Ouch! That had to hurt!" Tarot nodded slightly and stuck a thought sender on his forehead. "That it did," he replied. He simply lay there for a moment while Washu strapped down his head with a Velcro strap. Then, she positioned a strange-looking instrument over his face. Never heard it called *that* before... "What's that for?" he asked. If you have to ask, you'll never know. Washu smiled at him. "This regenerator will strip the excess tissue from your face. You mean like...my lips... Eyebrows... Adam's apple. Your face will look as good as new." Well...not good, just new. Tarot smiled. "I hope so. I'm sick of my scars." "Also, it would work best if you didn't move your face in any way while the machine was doing its work. (Imitates Washu) Please refrain from ogling my twelve year old body. Otherwise it might take off your lips. Or your eyelids." Told ya. She gave a devilish smile. "Of course, then I would have to work on you a little more." Tarot resisted a smile. [Okay, I'll just talk to you like this,] he said, not speaking, simply directing his thoughts toward Washu. Washu's smile took on a genuine look. "Well, I'll tell you one thing, these things aren't just good for translators. They make bitch'n cereal bowl caddies! Now just relax." Enema time! (Tugs on Davner's sleeve.) Anatatachi wa otearii ga arimasu ka? Bathroom, huh? Hai. (Gets up.) C'mon, little one, I'll show you where it is. (Turns to others.) Be right back, ya'll. (Davner and Misao leave the theatre.) Tarot felt a strange tickling on his face That's just disgusting! as the machine started up. He almost blurted out what he wanted to say, (Imitates Tarot.) TAKE ME, WASHU! RAVISH ME WITH YOUR TWELVE YEAR OLD BODY! Davner just left! Can we please have just two minutes without hentai comments, PLEASE!!!?? but restrained himself. Thank you. Jeez, Afura, you'd think with all the wookie sex you're getting, you'd learn to lighten up! (Screams and lunges at Ryoko. The two grapple on the floor.) (Munches on popcorn nonchalantly.) I TOLD YOU! (PUNCH!) I AM NOT...(PUNCH) A LESBIAN!! (PUNCH!) I AM NOT...(PUNCH!) INTO WOOKIES! (Rolls over on top of Afura and begins to throttle her.) WHAT ABOUT WHAT YOU DID WITH FATORA!? THAT WASN'T MY CHOICE!!! (Clothes are torn in the fight with a loud *RIIIIIIIIP!*) (Shakes his head.) Dav is going to be so pissed that he missed this... (Continue to roll around on the floor.) Finally, he worked up his nerve and thought to Washu, [Um, Washu-uh, I have a question for you. It's-well, it's not exactly what I say to a girl every day.] Usually he says it to men. FATORA THOUGHT YOU WERE HOT, YOU DEMON BITCH!! (PUNCH!) WIND WHORE! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TAKE THAT WIND LAMP AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!? "What is it?" asked Washu, her eyes never leaving the readout screen. [Um-well-when all this is over-uh, willyougooutwithme?] (Imitates Washu.) hmmmmletmethinkno! Heh heh... I GUESS SHIN TENCHI TURNED YOU GAY!!! AT LEAST MY FIRST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE WAS WITH A GUY!! Washu gave a slight start and felt a light blush steal over her face. (pukes into a bucket) Well this proves what I said earlier. "Could you repeat that, Tarot? For a minute I thought you asked if I would go out with you." [I did.] Washu felt her blush deepen and quickly turned her back to him to hide it. "Uh, well, Tarot, it's been a long time since anyone asked me that-" At least six days... (Smacks Ryoko across the face.) YEAH!? WELL LOOK AT THE OPTIONS! Now, that's not nice. (Rolls on top of Afura and punches her.) DYKE! WHORE! She shook herself mentally, then turned back to her patient, her blush gone and a wide smile on her face. "Oh, what the hell. When and where?" (Imitates Tarot.) How about Loch Ness? I hear they got a great monster! Tarot mentally cheered wildly. (Cheers.) TAROT! TAROT! HE'S OUR MAN! IF HE CAN'T DO IT...............Okay, so he can't do it. I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR CONDESCENDING BITCH ATTITUDE! IF I WANTED TO BE TOLD I WAS INFERIOR, I'D HANG OUT WITH AYEKA! (PUNCH!) AND IF I WANTED TO SPEND TIME WITH A BRASH, ARROGANT, *STUPID* WHORE, I'D TAKE SHAYLA SHOPPING!! (PUNCH!) [I'll find something nice for us too go to,] he said. [And by the way, my real name is Erik.] I believe in you, Mr. Miracle! (Comes running by them at mach one!) (Blinks.) I wonder what that was... (From the theatre entrance.) Hello, boys and girls! (Turns and sees Pixy Misa and Bad Fic Girl standing at the entrance.) We need a plan... Got one. Care to share it? RUN! (Cast runs.) (laughs maniacally. Bad Fic Girl goes off in pursuit.) (Sit in a World War One pill box wearing pith helmets and holding old rifles. Afura is scanning the corridor with binoculars. Davner is sitting in the bunker, writing a letter.) (As he writes.) My...dearest...Ayeka. Someone once said...Hell is the...impossibility of reason....That's what this...feels...like...Hell. (Pauses and continues to write.) How...I hate...this...war. I...miss...you. Take a...good... long...look...at the door...Because...when I get back...You'll be...seeing the ceiling...for a long...long...time... *WHACK!* (Afura hits him in the head with the butt of her rifle.) OW!!! Hey! Forget the love letter to your bitch girlfriend! Help me keep an eye out for that weird girl! (Picks up his rifle and stands next to Afura, searching the corridor. Mumbles.) What do you know about the 'Nam, Priestess? You ain't seen war till you see it in a rice pattie... Shut up and help me look! (Searches the corridor. Someone taps his shoulder from behind.) Misa o mimasu ka? (Shakes head but doesn't turn.) Iie. (Tenses. Turns his head slowly and sees Pixy Misa and Bad Fic Girl grinning behind them. Quickly turns back. Tugs Afura's sleeve and whispers urgently.) Afura! Afura! (Smacks his arm and continues searching the corridor.) I told you! Don't touch me! Afura! You ever see those old cartoons where Elmer Fudd is looking for Bugs Bunny, and it turns out Bugs was right behind him the whole time? Yeah, so? (Tenses in realization.) Don't you hate the way life imitates art? (Turn slowly.) (Points at them and laughs.) KOROSE!! SASAMI LEMONS!! (Charges at them.) (Run screaming down the corridor as energy blasts fire down at them.) (Holds his blaster up and turns a corner. Pixy Misa and Bad Fic Girl are standing before him. Pixy Misa grins. Cavis looks at his gun and tosses it aside.) Okay, bitch...No guns... (Points at Bad Fic Girl.) No monsters! Just you...and me! Cavis Darktower...light-middleweight champion of the Galaxy Police Academy! (Holds up his fists.) (Shrugs.) If you say so! (Cracks knuckles and approaches Cavis...) (Marches down the corridor.) Little bitch... At least we lost her. I wonder where the others ar... (From down the corridor.) AUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (blink and start down the corridor. The find Cavis hanging upside down from the ceiling, severely dazed.) Cavis! (Flies up and cuts Cavis down.) Budadaadadadadadadaphlbbbbt! Wow! He got his ass *KICKED*! C'mon. Help me get him to the kitchen. (They pick Cavis up and carry him down the corridor.) (In the kitchen.) Think he'll be okay? (Stands in front of Cavis, sitting in his chair, and nods.) Yeah. He's okay. Balalalladalaladasadaaaa wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! We are, however, going to have to ask Washu to send up a case of baby food... Now what? (annoyed.) Why? (Points to Cavis.) Someone has to feed him his mashed nana's. (Gives Afura a jar of strained bananas.) Besides, if Ryoko makes it here on her own, it'd help if you were here to fill her in. (Nods. Davner starts for the door.) Davner. (Davner turns.) Come back alive, okay? (Davner grins, nods, and walks out the door. Afura sighs then whoops in glee.) DING DONG! THE HENTAI'S DEAD! THE HENTAI'S DEAD! THE HENTAI'S DEAD! Misa will tear him a new asshole and I'll *finally* have some peace around here. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......NANAS!!! (In a corridor) (In red and black battle outfit) Why the hell am I supposed to be scared of a twelve year old blonde in a really awful looking dress? (sighs) I used to be the most feared pirate in the universe. Then they decided that ths show would be more interesting if I could actually get beat... (continues to ramble while she looks for Pixy Misa. Suddenly, out of mid-air, a golded-furred cabbit, with blue eyes, and a crab logo on her head drops on top of her). (rubbing head) Ow, ow, ow, ow! What the hell was that?! (shakes self off and looks around) Oh my, what a wierd place this is... (Blinks) A talking cabbit... (turns to face Ryoko) Oh! I've actually landed in the right spot! That's quite a miracle as the last place I landed was a Star Trek convention and they thought I was some wierd alien from the planet Remulac and they started shooting me with their toy phasers and... (Rolls eyes) Is there a point to this? Oh, how rude of me! I'm Miho-Ohki, and I'm here to grant you the power of Queen Washu of the Mystic Kingdom to... Oh god! I've been transported into a bad magical girl show! (rummages through fur, pulling out various objects, which include everything from a celular phone to a brand new coffee maker to a copy of a script for TMiL 2 that didn't include Haruna) Oh here it is! (Pulls out a baton.) (backs off) Oh no! I know what those things can do from La Blue Sammy! Well um... I don't watch '60s shows... (sweats) And what exactly is this thing supposed to do? Why turn you into Mystical Babe Sexy Ryoko. (pukes into a bucket) Why don't you go get Usagi to handle this one? Or how bout Rei? Everyone loves Rei. I don't think Rei would make a very good magical girl. She doesn't have any personality... (shakes head) Nevermind. (taps Ryoko on shoulder) Konnichi wa! (jumps) EEP! Just hand me the stupid thing! (takes baton from Miho-Ohki) (looks at batton) Sore wa nan desu ka? Now all you have to do is wave the baton three times and say is 'By Kekko and by Kamen, grant me the power that is rightfully mine' and you'll change. (sighs in defeat and waves baton) It's worth a shot... (Meanwhile...) (Acting like he's in a James Bond movie, holding up a blaster) Calm yourself, Dav. What would Bond do in a situation like this? (thinks) He'd use some wierd gadget to save the day and rescue the girl and... (blinks) If I rescue Ryoko... No... Ayeka'd kill me... But it might be worth it still! (grins evilly) Now... what do I have for a lame ass gadget? (starts going through his pockets) (holding baton as transformation finishes) Wow! This thing actually worked! (stares at Ryoko and falls on the floor laughing) Nani? Why's she laughing? Whoops. I knew I forgot something... What are you... (looks down and realizes she's naked) WHAT THE HELL?! Um... I'm sorry... you see... I forgot the gems that... (grabs Miho-Ohki by the throat) I'm going to turn you into a fur rug! (Ryoko gets ready to deck the cabbit, when she's hit over the head by Pixy Misa's baton and knocked unconcious). Oh my! This isn't... Bad Fic Girl! Cabbit/Mihoshi lemon! Cabbit/Mihoshi lemon! EEP! (teleports out) (shrugs and looks at Ryoko) Ooopsie! (Meanwhile...) Ah ha! (holds up hentai bottle opener) This should be able to... do something useful.. (Hears noise from ahead) It's Pixy Misa! (runs towards the sound and finds Pixy Misa and Bad Fic Girl standing over the unconcious Ryoko) (looks evilly as the unconious Ryoko) Ima watashi wa anata ga imasu! Stop! (Gets ready to use bottle openner and blinks) Well I could... No... There's... But that wouldn't work... Oh screw it! (Chucks bottle openner at Bad Fic Girl and beans her off the head, knocking her to the ground) (sighs in frustration) Kuso... (Tries to revive Bad Fic Girl) (runs over to Ryoko and picks her up) Gotta get out of here before she wakes up. (Runs down the corridor) (Reenters kitchen carrying a nude Ryoko.) (Dazed.) Oooooooooh! Nakednakednaked! (Grins.) Yeah! God must love me! (Face appears on screen.) Davner, I just wanted to...(Sees Ryoko and faints on the spot.) (Sighs.) As I was saying, God must love to torture me. (Wakes up.) Huh? Wha... (Grins.) Was it good for you? (Screams and punches Davner in the nose. Davner drops her.) Oh, jeez! My snout! (Covers his nose.) Nakednakednakednakednaked.... What's with him? Little girl kicked his ass. So what do we do now? (From off camera.) WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!? (Wakes up.) Oh! Ms. Washu! Um.... (Face appears on screen. Looks at the cast. Sees Davner's bleeding nose, Afura's WWI uniform and helmet, Ryoko's nudity, and Cavis' vegetative state.) I'm gonna like this story, aren't I? (Begin to tell Washu what happened. Washu nods as they babble.) Okay, here's your problem. Pixy Misa's power is based on magic, not science. That's why none of your lame ass attempts to fight back worked. You need to fight magic with magic. Okay, Ryoko, you heard the lady, get out there and beat up the little girl for us. ME!? Forget it. Ryoko's powers are based on science. There's only one person here whose powers are based on something close to magic. (Turns to Afura.) Oh, no! (Shakes head.) No way! Uh uh! I am *not* going back out there. Ryoko, in my room is a bolt of pink material, a sewing machine, and a cricket bat. Go get them. (Ryoko's eyes widen.) Don't ask...Just get them. (In the theatre.) Ugh! Warui! (Throws some popcorn at the screen.) Watashi wa fic ga suki desu! (Sighs. Turns as sounds are heard from the entrance.) Stop! I don't want to do this! Just get out there! And remember your lines! Forget it! No! Ack! (Is pushed into the theatre wearing the Pretty Sammy outfit and holding a cricket bat.) (Blinks.) Anata wa...dare desu ka? (Clears throat, takes a breath, and poses.) WATASHI WA..................................Line! (Runs up and whispers in her ear.) WATASHI WA MAHOU SHOUJO, PRETTY AFURA!!!! (Poses.) Pretty...Afura...desu ka? (Begins laughing hysterically, falling back into her theatre seat and kicking her legs. Bad Fic Girl is also laughing, unable to stop.) PRETTY AFURA!!! (Laughs again.) (Growls and turns red. She runs up and launches herself at Bad Fic Girl.) (From the door.) Oooh! Ouch! Ow! Nice one! (Pants and stands over a bloody, messy pulp that was once Bad Fic Girl. Turns to Pixy Misa.) Next!? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....................No! Bai bai!! (Waves and disappears through the floor.) (Enters the theatre.) Did I ever tell you you're my hero? (Sing) You are the wind beneath my wings! (Face appears on the big screen.) SIT DOWN!! (Cast sits.) Good, now maybe we can get some real work done. (Walks in and sits down.) Misao chan! Welcome back. *** Erik and Washu stood outside a theater in New York City, patiently waiting to get inside and see `The Phantom ...Menace?! That movie rocks! (Hums "Duel of the Fates.") (Imitates Darth Maul.) Fear...Fear is my ally. Fear draws the fearful, the fearless... (Whacks Davner with the cricket bat.) OWWWWW! DAMN! Hmmm. (Hefts the bat.) I think I'll hang onto this. of the Opera.' They had used Erik's strange variant of a teleporting power to get there. Also known as a Plymouth Duster. Oh please! There's no way this kid could afford a Duster. They weren't wearing their thought senders anymore, Having no thoughts to send. That's okay. There's no time for thinking in New York anyway. Look at the Senate race. Besides, all there is to do in New York is to run, cry for help, and reload. and they had made themselves up very formal looking, Suspenders. Gotta be suspenders. (Snorts.) As if the Green Lantern would be caught dead in suspenders.... Erik in a tuxedo and wearing his mask (Imitates a five year old.) Look, Mommy! The Green Lantern! (Imitates a five year old's mother.) No, honey, that's just a street weirdo. (just as a slight homage to the hero/villain of the story). The author. Washu was in a fairly tight evening dress of modest cut, not so much that it was uncomfortable or prudish, but enough so that any man looking at her knew he would have to work a lot to get her. Yeah, to get past the pedophelia laws in New York. Washu felt Erik's arm around her shoulders, a reassuring weight in this city that he had said was so dangerous. Oh please! Washu could nuke this city simply typing www.nukeNYC.com on her holotop. (Nods) We all remember what happened when she typed, www.nukeRikkiLake.com. He hadn't tried anything else yet, Like groping, or the old, "My Duster is out of gas," routine. for which she was relieved. It didn't help matters that she wasn't quite used to speaking English yet, having used one of her machines to download it into her brain only a few days ago, and she felt like everyone was staring at her, just waiting for her to screw up. No, they're staring because a strange man in a mask is putting the moves on a twelve year old in a tight dress. I love New York... Yeah, what a town. She was also uncomfortable that they were in a city with such a high crime rate. I.E., the Senate race. She knew that she shouldn't be afraid, not after all of the battles she had been in, (Imitates Washu.) Besides, I have the Green Lantern to protect me! but she was sure that they would be mugged at any moment. She also learned at that moment to be careful what you think about in a city like New York. She heard Erik suck in his breath slightly and felt his arm fall away. She then felt something cold press against the back of her neck. She heard a voice behind her whisper cruelly, "Give us your wallet, jewelry, and purse, and neither of you will get hurt." Oh, Gods, this is so cliche! Really! New York thugs don't talk like that! They'd say, "gimme yo money! Gimme yo money!" And that's just the Hillary Clinton fund raisers! She heard another voice, just as unsavory, agree with the first from behind Erik. Erik went to work. Ducking down and pivoting around on one foot, he braced himself against the ground with his hands and threw his entire weight upward in a kick to his mugger's wrist, which sent the gun flying, then doing the same with the man's stomach and crotch. The man went down with a "whoooof" as the air was forced out of his lungs and his testicles were driven up into his body. Someone has a copy of "Gray's Anatomy." Oooh! It's Jean Claude van Tarot! Erik then caught the second mugger's legs between his own above and below the knee and tripped him with a scissors-like movement. The man's one shot went wild and his face rushed down toward the ground at high speed, meeting with Erik's foot, which was coming up from the ground at high speed. The kick landed hard enough to make the man flip backwards and land on his back, unconscious. (Barry White impersonation.) That's why you don't mess with....Tarot. (Seventies back up singers.) TAROT!!! Damn straight. It was over in seconds. Erik jumped up from the ground and brushed himself off. Borrowing a cell phone from a bystander, he called the police and told them of the attempted crime, reporting their location, the muggers' descriptions, etc. When the police dispatcher asked him his name, Erik just grinned and said, (Imitates seventies TV announcer.) THE GREEN LANTERN! "Call me the Phantom." (Imitates the cop on the phone.) Is this Alec Baldwin? WAH! WAH! WAH! With that, he turned off the phone and handed it back to its owner. *** A few days after these events took place, And two hits of the "return" key... Tenchi had his own problems at the shrine. "ENOUGH!" he screamed, the rage in his voice enough to tell even the most unperceptive person (Looks at Ryoko.) that if they didn't obey, there was going to be trouble. Ryoko was so startled that even without her flying power she jumped three feet straight up into the air. Ayeka took a few steps back herself. They had never seen Tenchi so mad. Tenchi! Don't be mad at me! Be mad at Ayeka! (Face appears on screen.) I HEARD THAT! Tenchi glared at them for a minute, then calmed down enough to speak in a normal voice, but somehow the quiet near-whisper was worse than the loudest yelling. "I am SICK and TIRED of having you two fight over me day in and day out like two little kids fighting over a favorite toy. Now, either get your heads screwed on straight and figure out that you CANNOT win me by fighting, or find someone else to fight over, because I am NOT going to put up with it anymore!" And I WILL speak in ALL caps unless YOU get IT! "But Tenchi, she- Ate my cookie! Ate Fatora's cookie! Die! (Lunges at Ryoko. The two fight.) (Eats popcorn and watches Afura and Ryoko wrestle.) !" both girls started, pointing at each other. "I don't want to hear it!" said Tenchi, interrupting them in midsentence. "Every time someone breaks up a fight between you two, you always try to push it on the other! Why not sit down and try looking at yourselves for a change?!" He seemed about to yell again, But suddenly realized they had both left. but stopped and took a deep breath. "Now, I'm going to go out and practice some of the sword moves Grandpa taught me. Ewwwww! Sword moves, huh? Never heard it called *that* before. And now it's time for the latent homo-erotic phase of the fic to begin. In the meantime, TRY to talk CIVILLY to each other!" With that, he turned and stormed out, leaving the two girls staring at each other in utter shock. "Sheesh," Ayeka finally said. (Imitates Ayeka.) What an asshole! "I've never seen Lord Tenchi so angry. When you two traded powers, you also must have traded tempers." And underwear! Realizing what she had just said, Ayeka put an embarrassed hand to her mouth. "Sorry. I didn't mean that the way it sounded." Really? Because it souned like you were a total bitch. "It's okay," Ryoko replied. "He's right, though. Whenever we fight, we both always blame the other for starting it. When it's really all your fault. That's being rather cold, isn't it, darl'n? You don't know her like I do, Davner! You know the *nice* Ayeka. (Blinks.) I do? And the situation isn't made any easier by the fact that I don't have my powers anymore." (Imitates Ryoko.) It's harder to kill you now. (Imitates Ayeka.) Blasting people who can't fight back is *fun*! She stopped, realizing that she and Ayeka were having a quiet conversation for once. Oh, my god! It's the seventh sign! The time of reckoning is upon us... Maybe there was hope for them after all. I'm thinking, no. Then again, maybe Tenchi's outburst had just left them both stunned. Yeah, how often does he actually take a stand on anything? He's one of those guys that gets pushed around by the cashier at McDonalds. (Imitates Tenchi.) But I...But I... But I didn't order fries. (Imitates punk McDonald's cashier.) Look, sir, you're going to take these fries, and you're gonna pay for them. Either way, she figured she had better leave before the situation erupted again and she was left at Ayeka's mercy, powerless. Now, come on. Being powerless and at Ayeka's mercy is actually rather fun. Hey! I do *not* swing in that direction! Get Afura to do it. (Growls.) She stood up. "I think I'll go take a bath," she said, heading for the door. (Whisper.) Shower scene... *** Erik looked at the two doors in the bathhouse and was utterly confused. (Imitates Tarot.) How do you work these odd Japanese doors? Damn foreigners. He had managed to get Sasami to tell him where it was easily, (Imitates Tarot.) It only took a half hour of chakra torture. He had better not have harmed Sasami chan! If he did, I'll slice his scrotum open and... (Hold their groins.) Owwwwwwwww! and she had mentioned that there were separate sides for the guys and the girls, but she hadn't said which side was which. And therein lies the game... He finally picked one of the doors at random and went inside. He glanced around cautiously, looking for something, anything that would tell him whether or not he had picked the right side. You know, even Noboyuki is more sly than this. Seeing nothing to indicate whether or not he had, he decided to risk it. He shucked Shucked? Shucked? Shucked? Shucked? Shucked ka? out of his clothes and stepped into the water, relaxing as he felt the warm liquid touch his skin. Check the color! He lay back and relaxed, letting the water carry him along. He was so relaxed that he almost dropped off to sleep when suddenly he heard someone's voice speaking to him. (Deep voice.) TAROT! THIS IS GOD! WAKE UP AND PLEASURE ME! "Comfy?" Ryoko asked, looking down at Erik with some degree of amusement. Erik sat up quickly, which caused him to submerge, which caused him to get water in his mouth and up his nose. Which caused him to drown. The end. The end! He came back to the surface gasping and turned in the direction the voice had come from. "Ryoko, don't ever do that to me again!" he almost yelled. "You nearly gave me a heart attack!" Damn! So close yet so far! "Well it's not my fault you came into the wrong side of the bathhouse, Mr. Exhibitionist," Ryoko replied, (Imitates Ryoko/Ned Flanders.) I can see your doodle! trying extremely hard not to laugh. Erik covered himself with his hands. Wow! Both hands! (Mutters.) Two fingers and a thumb would do... "What's the matter? Shy? You know, if you wanted to see a naked girl THAT bad, you could have looked on the Internet." (Imitates Tarot) But you're even easier than the internet! I AM NOT! "Look, why don't you just, uh, turn around or something while I get a towel on," Erik said. (Imitates Ryoko) No way! You're *my* bitch now! CUT IT OUT! Ryoko complied with his request to the letter, turning in a full circle that completed just as Erik stepped out of the water. Um...This author is implying that I'd want to see this guy naked... Really! When we all know you don't like men! (Blasts Afura into a wall.) "Ryoko!" he yelled, deliberately falling backwards into the water. "Well you told me to turn around," Ryoko said, nearly bursting out laughing. "I just did what you said." Tarot says touch your nose! Tarot says do jumping jacks! Tarots says gimme some sweet lov'n! I don't think so! Come on, Ryoko! Tarot says! (Grabs Davner by the throat.) Let's play Ryoko says. And Ryoko says, gut Davner... (Forms a lightsword.) "Well, turn around again. And this time, one-hundred- eighty degrees will do." (Imitates Tarot.) I can do math! And yet all the answers on his math homework say, "69." Damn public schools... Ryoko obeyed his request again and Erik quickly climbed out and wrapped a towel around his waist, effectively hiding everything he didn't want Ryoko to see. (Imitates Tarot.) My shame... Both inches of it... He walked out the door and went into the boy's side. [Girls!] he thought. [They have the weirdest sense of humor.] But they make up for it for being so...so...(Glomps Afura!) KAWAIIIIIIIII!!! Okay... (Removes the WW1 bayonet from the rifle she carried earlier.) I think it's time to kill the hentai... Awwwww! How sweet! It's not sweet! Hey! Get your damn hands off those! Yeah, Dav, unless you're female or a wookie or both, Afura doesn't want anything to do with you! WILL YOU STOP THAT!! Just as the door to the girl's side closed, Ryoko unwrapped her own towel from around herself Yeah! (Wolf whistles!) and stepped into the bath. She leaned back against the side and grinned. She thought to herself, [Boys! No sense of humor!] But they make for it by so...so...(Turns to Cavis.) (Quickly ducks under his seat.) (Laughs and turns back to the screen.) Gullible! (Laughs.) *** Erik walked into Washu's lab with hair that was still slightly damp and an expression that was more than a little nervous. Washu glanced up at him as he closed the door and gave him a radiant smile. "Hi Erik!" she said, going over and giving him a hug. "Did you have a nice bath?" (Imitates Washu) I left my daughter in there for you to play with! What did you think of her!? Mom *would* do something like that... "Ahhhh-Washu? I have something I need to tell you." (Imitating Tarot.) I'm gay! I'm in love with your daughter! I'm in love with a wookie! BITCH!! (Lunges at Ryoko with the bayonet. The two fight.) (Watches them roll around on the ground.) Gods, this is the best MST I've ever been to! Watashi wa MST ga suki desu yo! Yeah, they're great, aren't they?! "Don't bother," Washu said, her smile taking on a mischievous look. "Let me guess. (Imitates Washu) You're gay! You're in love with my daughter! You're.... Don't you dare finish that comment... Anata wa wookies ga suki desu! (Laughs hysterically.) You accidentally went into the wrong side of the bathhouse and wound up having Ryoko see you naked." It happens to the luckiest of us. I wouldn't call it luck. Ouch... Erik looked shocked. "How did you know that?" he asked (Imitates Washu.) The hidden cameras in the bath! You should see Mihoshi and Kiyone get it on! If you've really got tapes of that, I'll give you ten thousand Jurai! Washu's smile got just a little wider. "She and I share a telepathic link. In fact, I saw the whole thing through her eyes." (Imitates Washu.) I was quite disappointed. Erik started sweating slightly, (Imitates Tarot.) You saw my doodle, didn't you? suddenly acutely aware of her small body pressed against his own larger one, BUCKET! BUCKET! (hands Cavis a bucket.) (Pukes into it.) the strange otherworldly beauty of her face, and he got the distinct feeling that she was hugging him just a little tighter, pressing herself against him just a little harder. He was right. BUCKET! BUCKET! BUCKET! (Passes the bucket to Afura.) A FRESH BUCKET!!! We don't have one! (Vomits in Davner's lap.) Oh yeah....this is sexy.... "Um, Washu, I don't think we should go doing that after only one date." I wouldn't want to see them do that after twenty dates! "And I agree," Washu replied. "I was just trying to let you know that I liked what I saw." BUCKET! BUCKET! BUCKET! (Passes the bucket to Davner.) She let go of him and walked back to the console she had been working at. It looked nonchalant, but to Erik it seemed as if her hips were swaying just a little more, making her body seem more developed and mature. BUCKET! (Begins fighting over the bucket.) (Face appears on the screen.) Hey! I'm standing right here, ya know!! Erik forced his eyes up, focusing stolidly on her face now that she had turned and was facing him. "What are you working on?" he asked, walking over beside her and looking at the console. It was in Japanese. "I'm analyzing a sample of your DNA from the scars I removed," she said. "I'm trying to figure out how your powers work, what makes you tick. If there's a god in heaven, that ticking comes from a bomb. It's more out of curiosity than anything else, but it could come in handy someday." (Imitating Washu.) Like when I create my army of Tarot clones and take over the world! "It might," Erik replied, giving her a quick kiss on the temple. It took Washu by surprise, but she felt a pleasurable little shock go through her body. Static electricity. (Rubs his feet on the floor and touches Ryoko's shoulder. Ryoko's hair stands on end.) Oh yeah...great fun. (Touches Cavis and electrocutes him. Cavis falls back in his chair unconscious.) This man was making her feel a way she hadn't felt in a long time. Repulsed? Disgusted? Dirty? He wasn't even legally a man, Trust me, legal has nothing to do with it... he was only seventeen, he was still a minor. That's okay, so's she. But she couldn't help the way she felt. She was almost positive she was in love. BUCKET! Then, Erik said something else. "How about dinner tonight? I know of a place in Philadelphia that makes great Italian food." *** Washu finished writing her findings from Erik's DNA in her scientific journal (Imitates Washu writing.) Annoying....homosexual...and tiny.... and stretched. She had been working in her lab for almost twelve hours straight and even for her, it could get boring. She had found almost nothing different between Erik's DNA and that of a normal human. Oh yeah! He's normal! You can tell. The only differences she had seen were the normal differences between humans. She glanced at her watch and jumped. It was 6:45. "Oh crap! Such language! "Crap?" C'mon! My mom swears like a sailor! I have to be ready to go to dinner with Erik in fifteen minutes!" She jumped out of her chair and ran from the lab. Screaming in fear! (Looks at him.) Wouldn't you? *** Twenty minutes later, Erik was standing on the front porch of the Masaki residence and looked at his watch. (Imitating Tarot.) Now, when G.I. Joe's big hand is on the six, and his short hand is on the one... He was willing to wait for Washu for a few minutes as long as she wasn't too late. (Imitates Tarot.) If she doesn't show up in five minutes, I'll go out with someone else! Like who? (Hangs head.) The reservations he had booked in the restaurant only lasted until 7:30. At which point they give the table to Batman and Wonder Woman. (Imitates a waiter.) You're lucky, sir, this table was supposed to go to....THE GREEEEEEEEEEN LANTERN! But he canceled. After that, they would go to someone else. He hoped Washu showed up. At that moment, Washu appeared out of the dimensional door directly in front of him. She straightened her hair slightly and caught her breath. "Sorry I'm late. I was Engaging in freaky lesbian sex?! Please say 'engaging in freaky lesbian sex!' C'mon, God! I don't ask for much! (Looks at Afura.) You know you don't give me much! Just this once, huh! working in the lab and got busy." Busy...with FREAKY LESBIAN SE*WHAP* (Afura hits Davner with the cricket bat.) STOP IT! "It's okay," Erik replied. "You just gave me a chance to spruce these up a little." He reached behind his back and pulled out a bouquet of flowers. "For you." Awwwwwwww! Bucket. Washu was, needless to say, surprised. And just a tad freaked out. She had had boyfriends and lovers in the past, but for whatever reason, they had all gone sour in a very short time. The effects of not seeing the OVA episode where we find out she was married are coming into play... "Thank you," she said, unsure of what else to say. Somehow, the others had never felt-right to her. This boy did. He was kind and thoughtful. The day after seeing the musical, he had helped in one of her experiments with time travel. (immitating Washu) Damnit! I need to work faster so I can travel back and kill him before he bothers me! The situation had turned so bad that superstitious English peasants had nearly burned Washu at the stake as a witch. Good for them! But Erik had stepped in and helped her, using his control over Fire to put out the flames and nearly being killed himself as a practitioner of black magic. Okay, this boy just made my list. Yesterday, he had helped Tenchi practice his sword moves. I thought Grandpa Yosho helped Tenchi handle his sword... (Snicker.) I guess he wanted some extra practice. (Snicker.) (Glares at them. They back down.) Erik didn't think about himself. He seemed to think he had been born to help others. (Groan.) "Washu?" Erik said, jolting her out of her thoughts. "I said, shall we go?" "Oh! Um-yes," Washu said, wondering how much else he had said to her that she had missed. (Imitating Tarot.) Well, I said I was a serial rapist and child molester. I killed my mother and hid her in a deep freezer, and I have a pocket monster I'd like to show you... She closed her eyes and felt Erik's arms go around her in the close physical contact required for multiple person-whatever. Pardon? She felt the strange not-quite-pain as her body turned to soil and parts of her fell away. Then, suddenly, they were standing in a grove of trees in a park near the restaurant. In Philadelphia they call it "Cracktown." *** At the restaurant, they ordered their food and made conversation, the normal things when out on a date. Did he slip her something in her drink? 'Cause nowadays it's not a real date until he does. Eventually, somehow, the conversation turned to predestination. (Groan.) "I've always believed in soul mates," said Erik. "It was mostly the feeling that there was someone out there that I was just meant to be with that kept me from `going steady' with any of the girls at my school." God, that line didn't even work when *I* was in school. You went to school? Clown or barber? -_- Washu considered his statement. "I've never thought about it that way," she said. "It used to take a lot to get me, but even if someone did, they never felt right, somehow. (Imitating Washu.) Maybe because I have the body of a twelve year old. It only draws pedos and other weirdoes... But, for whatever reason," her voice slowing and starting to trail off slightly, "you do-" Their lips met over the table and she didn't say any more. Her mouth full of tongue and spaghetti. When they broke the kiss, Washu took in a deep breath and sighed. "Wow," she said. "I've never been kissed like that before." (Imitates Washu) Yeah, the other guys I've dated actually *knew* how to kiss a girl. Erik looked slightly embarrassed. "I've never been kissed at all," No joke... he said, turning a light shade of red. "You just gave me my first kiss." Don't worry about it. My first kiss came from a ten year old. Of course...I WAS TEN TOO, YOU SICKO PERVERT! Washu laughed slightly. "Well, that just made it all the more special." *** After they finished their meal at about 8:30, they went around and saw the town. They found a club with karaoke and Erik sang a few songs to thunderous applause. (Hands clasped before her as she gazes at the screen.) Oh, Tarot! Is there nothing you don't do well!? Act? He was in the middle of his fourth when he seemed to hesitate a little. He picked up again, but within a few moments he was faltering. Heh. Looks like the booze is wearing off. Suddenly, he collapsed, falling to his knees, clutching his stomach. He screamed in pain and vomited as Washu ran to his side. So much for a really good restauraunt. Through his screams and vomiting, he whispered a single phrase over and over. "He's here, he's here." DAVID HASSELHOFF! HE'S COME!! Washu managed to get Erik on his feet and outside before a big crowd gathered. She half-supported, half- dragged him into an alley next to the club and took out her control for the dimensional door. Just as she activated it, she noticed a man about Erik's age stumbling into the alley. If he's stumbling, he's Davner. Hey! I...(Looks at the screen.) That could be me... The man looked at them through bleary eyes and suddenly, his expression turned from one of pain to one of hate. Erik's eyes focused on the man and widened in surprise. The man lurched toward them, one hand stretching toward them, curled into an almost clawlike gesture. (immitating dreary driving instructor) Put your hand out. Now extend your middle finger. Good. Erik stared at the man. "Elemental," he whispered. "No. It can't be. I killed you." (laughs) Like any villain in anime *really* dies. Yeah, but can you really call *this* anime? No excessive fan service... Nope. Not until we see at least 3 more naked females. Elemental looked at him in pure hatred. "You did not kill me, Tarot. (in menacing voice) Paint balls aren't lethal, putz. I am here, and I am alive. I will have my revenge." He tore open his shirt, revealing two ancient runes on his chest. (immitating Elemental) We made a pledge to be lovers forever and now you're cheating on me with a twelve year old! I hate you! Look! Rub on Flintstones tattoos! "See this and know that Elemental still lives!" He lunged toward them just as Washu began dragging Erik through the dimensional door. (immitating Washu) I'll make you straight, one way or another! Hey! Maybe she can help you, Afura! GRRRRR!!!! With the wookies or the lesbian part? (takes out a book) I wonder if there is a law against *murder* on this station... "No!" Erik cried, weakly reaching into his shirt and touching one rune on his own chest. (immitating Tarot) You can't seperate my Wilma from his Fred again! We really don't need to see nipple here..... He held the hand out and a stream of fire shot toward Elemental, hitting him in the chest and throwing him back out of the alley. "When next we meet," he gasped, "one of us shall die." Preferably both! WE'LL HELP!!! Just then, Washu finished dragging him through the door and deactivated it. *** "Who was that?" Washu asked several minutes later, after Erik had rinsed his mouth out and changed his clothes. (sighs in relief) We don't have to see his two inches of "manhood" again... Yeah, but you got yourself a good look, didn't you? Hey! It's not my fault this author made me want his wuss character! And at least it's a *MALE* character! (Lunges at Ryoko, but is caught by Davner.) "That was Elemental. He has control over the Elements of Air and Water. (immitating Tarot) Which is why he uses that rather creative name. Of course, since heat beat me to it, I had to pick something out of my ass. Now if only I actually could learn what these cards actually do... He can drown people in their own body fluids BUCKET!!! JEEZ!!! My god!!! This has bad lemon written all over it. or suffocate them from twenty feet away. He's also a black belt in several martial arts Like Dumb Fu, Aisuckass, Tae Kwon Duh.... in the event that he can't use his powers, which can only happen under certain conditions, like a complete vacuum. Which is when *breathing* becomes the primary concern. (Sings.) Take my breath away.... He's almost invincible." "But, why does he want you? He seemed to want to kill you," Washu said, shaking her head. (immitating Tarot) I owe him $50 from Bingo... "I believe we should use our powers to help people. He thinks that his powers make him superior to the rest of the human race. So he wants him dead because... (To Ryoko) Now, now, darl'n. Natural enemies. Fish and worm. Snake and mongoose.... (Mutters.) Women and Davner... The last time we fought, I thought he was dead. (immitating Tarot) You're supposed to be dead after the paint hits! He's cheating! Apparently, I was wrong." "What about that seizure?" Washu asked, (immitating Tarot) That's the effect of my Barney tatoo being near his Betty. Yeah! Everyone knows Betty was the hot one! (Davner nods in agreement.) picking up one of her instruments and scanning him with it. "For whatever reason, being within a hundred feet of each other causes both of us to have those," Erik replied, gently pushing her hand away. (immitating Tarot) Damn supernatural restraining orders... Now wait a minute! What's so hard to understand about someone getting violently ill by being within one hundred feet of Tarot! For the first time in this fic, I'm willing to bet the author's actually *accurate* about something! "It's some sort of negative reaction to our respective powers that can only be dispelled if we're fighting each other. (Imitating Dr. Evil.) Riiiiiiigggghhht.... He also has a teleporting power similar to mine. He can turn into Air and go anywhere, the way I turn into Earth. But, after one of those seizures, neither of us is able to use his powers for about three hours. We have that amount of time to prepare for his attack." (blinks) He isn't even trying anymore. Now he's just making shit up. (nods) Oh wait! I know how they can explain it! ... By the power of his heart? Right! (Wishy washy voice.) We shall defeat you....with love! Bucket! Baketsu o kudasai! "But how can he find you?" Washu asked. "I mean, even if he is another super-being or whatever-" (immitating Tarot) That would be the tracking device I'm wearing. Probably should've taken that off... "The seizures also leave faint directional trails of our powers. (farts) Damn buritos. After he regains use of his powers, he'll be able to `home in' on mine for about two hours. That leaves us a maximum of five hours to prepare." (immitating Tarot) But I forgot to tell you a few hours ago so now we only have thirty five minutes... sorry. Washu looked frightened. Oh yes... we have 2 goddesses, 2 demi-gods, and several other insanely overpowered characters in the cast. Let's all run from the overpowered author created character! "I'll go get the others," she said. *** "People, this is Elemental," Erik said, (immitating Elemental) And I'm an alcoholic. Hi Elemental! using a thought sender to cast an image of his enemy into the minds of his friends. "He controls the two ancient Elements of Air and Water. Which is why I need your help." (immitating Erik) You see, he got the upside. There's two sides to every element. He got the upside. (Imitates Sasami) Sister, is evil more powerful than good? (Imitates Ayeka.) Yes, Sasami. Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb. He stopped for a moment and took a breath. "He's a black belt in several martial arts, including Tae Kwon Do and Kung Fu. And the 5000 years of combat I had accounts for nothing? This makes him even stronger and harder to stop." Tenchi interrupted. "But Grandpa and I should be able to handle him if the martial arts are his only advantage. (Bursts out laughing) Oh Tenchi! You're so funny! Tenchi good at the martial arts! Bwahahaha! Tenchi san wa atama ga warui desu! (Giggles.) I don't see why everyone needs to fight." Erik silenced him with a glance. "His powers provide him with shielding from my own. (immitating Erik) Like how was I supposed to know that water counters fire when we chose elements?! Also, with his powers he can drown people in a desert or force you to suffocate in a chamber of pure oxygen. Enough with the ways he can kill you! I can stick a lightsword through your ass from 1000 yards away. Don't see me bragging. (Rubs his ass.) She's not kidding! His powers require concentration, the same way mine do, but not as much. And the reason for that is... Kinshinsokan? (bursts out laughing) We're going to have to keep up an almost constant attack in order to defeat him. He'll probably be able to block energy blasts with his powers and he's more than fast enough to dodge them, And he can burp lightning. And fart tidal waves. And shed his skin like a snake. And bore people to death. so that leaves light swords and the like." "But that leaves Sasami and I out of the fight," Ayeka objected. (blinks) WHY WOULD SHE EVER EVEN CONSIDER PUTTING SASAMI IN THE FIGHT?!?! Sore wa ikemasen ne. I'm going to have to have a serious talk with Ayeka when I see her next... If shey'll ever talk with you again. "We won't be able to do anything." "Not so," Erik said reassuringly. "Can those robots that follow you around project force fields?" (immitating Ayeka) Why yes, but why would you call Al and Tipper Gore robots? "Yes," Ayeka replied, a little unsure. "We can use them. One thing he probably can't do is break out of a force field. WHY?! I only ask *WHY?! We can use them to hold him, it might give us an advantage. As for Sasami," he said, nodding toward the young princess, (Imitates Erik) She'll distract Elemental by engaging in oral sex with him. Meanwhile, Ayeka will sneak behind him and hit him on the back of the head with a shovel. "I've always preferred to keep those who cannot defend themselves out of the fight." (immitating Erik) They usually get kidnapped or killed or some other cliche. Sasami quickly made the changeover into Tsunami. Bitch'n! You know...I wonder what would happen if she did that...and Sasami's clothes didn't change with her. You know what we have then.... Every male Tenchi Muyo fan's fantasy? "Sasami may be powerless," the goddess said, "but I am not. I can project force fields and I might be able to disable his powers for short periods of time. That's *ALL* a goddess can do?! (shakes head sadly) The lesson for today, folks, is not to write a fic after only seeing one OVA ep. I am not yet used to projecting my powers so far across the galaxy, but I can be of help." (immitating Tsunami) However, I must act extremely underpowered to allow Erik to get all the glory. Erik nodded. "Fine. We need all the help we can get. But, a warning," he said, holding up one finger. (immitating Erik) So help me god, if you steal my glory I'll write you into a tentacle lemon! "He's one of the few humans with powerful telepathic abilities. (freaks) You mean the ones on the Psychic Friends Hotline are... fake?!?! His telepathic powers deplete his mental energy, and they need to recharge after about half an hour, but that's only when he uses them nonstop. DAMNIT! Is this a fic or a long lecture on the stupid powers of SI characters?! When he's at his most powerful in that area," Erik shuddered, "he can control your body. And here comes the cheesey lemon portion of the fic... (immitating Elemental) Now Ryoko, this is my first experience with a woman, so please excuse me if I don't know what I'm doing. Now touch your toe and start rubbing it fast. I once saw him kill a man using the man's own hand. And since it's been about a year since we last fought, I have no idea how powerful his telepathic abilities are." THERE IS NO SPOON!!! *** Tenchi spent the next three hours training Ryoko to use her new powers. (generates a Light Hawk Sword) Heh heh. (jumps) Wait a minute! You're not supposed to be doing that yet! Oh come on! Like OVA 3 is ever going to come out anyways. "Okay Ryoko," Tenchi said. "Concentrate. In order to generate the Light Hawk Wings, you have to clear your mind. Think about nothing but generating the Wings. This is *exactly* like how Tenchi generated the Light Hawk Wings in OVA 6! (sarcasm) Any stray thoughts, any memories, any emotions, anything except for generating them will disrupt the process. (immitating Tenchi) And then you'll have to restart at the beginning with the sacrifice of the chicken. And *WE DON'T WANT THAT!* Exactly how much of this training did Tenchi get before he used the wings? I think he had to sit through a seminar with Tsunami. Then he had to pass the written test You have to forget that anything other than the Light Hawk Wings even exists until after you have them." (immitating Tenchi) At which point, you may return to thinking about getting me into the sack. "All right," Ryoko said, taking a deep breath. She was sitting cross-legged, Native American style, (blinks) Did... did this guy just get politically correct? Oh God! I'm going to *beep! Beep! beep!* (Blinks in shock.) (Laughs.) Dav got censored! What the *Beep!* (Laughs.) It's not f*beep!*ing funny! Shut up! in the middle of Tenchi's practice area, with her eyes closed. She forced herself to be calm, I.E. she took three bottles of Ritilin. forced herself to think of nothing. She reached down inside, to the very core of her being, and felt something. I think I'm aroused. She opened her eyes and saw Tenchi through what seemed to be a film of light. He was nodding in satisfaction. (immitating Tenchi) I am God! (Imitates Tenchi) Wake up and pleasure me! Really?! Damnit I wish he'd say that to me! "You have them, Ryoko. You've formed the Light Hawk Wings," he said, nodding. "Now, degenerate them and teach me how to use your powers. No! I'm having too much fun with these! (Imitates Ryoko) Watch me blow up that mountain! We only have another two hours, max, before Elemental shows up." (immitating Tenchi) And of course the Light Hawk Wings aren't enough to take out an author created ultra-villain. "It's not as hard as using the Light Hawk Wings," Ryoko said, letting the Wings collapse into her. "All it takes is thought." Yeah. That's all it takes to become the most feared woman in the universe. (laughs) You?! The most feared! Damn straight! I'll have you know I brought Jurai to its knees! Ifurita would wipe the floor with you! Ifurita? Mom's old toy? (blinks) Seeing that Tenchi wasn't sure what she meant, Ryoko sighed and put it another way. (immitating Ryoko) Use your brain, dufus! "All you need to do is imagine a ball of energy in your hand or a sword of light or flying through the air, or whatever. (immitates Ryoko) Now try imagining having a spine... Now imagine you're naked.... Look, point your hand toward that rock, palm out." Tenchi obeyed her directions. "Now, imagine a blast of energy flying out of your hand and hitting the rock." Now imagine you'r... STOP! I don't want to know where you're going. (pouts) Tenchi closed his eyes and did as she said. He heard a boom and was aware of large chunks of something flying past him. (immitating Tenchi) Oh no! I accidently shot Dad! There goes my allowance. Oh my God! You killed Nobuyuki! You bastard! He opened his eyes and saw a charred and smoking spot on the ground where the rock had been. There was debris everywhere. Ryoko nodded in satisfaction. "See? Easy." Now imagine me on top of you with a pair of spark plugs! *** Half an hour later, in Washu's lab, they prepared their plan. "All right, this is how it's going to go," (Imitates Tarot.) Huddle up! Statue of Liberty play on one, on one! BREAK! Erik said, now dressed in his battle outfit again. "We start with the typical `desperation' maneuver. I think we all know the desperation maneuver... That's where Ryoko breaks down, cries, and begs Tenchi to sleep with her. You know...I don't think I've tried that yet.... Sure you did! You begged Shin Tenchi! (Cries.) I DIDN'T KNOW! I DIDN'T KNOW!! We all go into battle fighting him, doing whatever we can. (Imitates Tarot.) I'll be on the other side of the field... er...supervising... After about two minutes, Tsunami turns coward and drops out, runs off and hides. ..... ..... ..... ..... And trees run how fast, again? At least, that's what he thinks. In reality, Tsunami is going to run back to the house and use her powers to watch, waiting for my signal. What's the signal? I think it goes like this...(Clears throat.) HELP!!! HELP! DEAR GOD, HELP US!! The rest of us keep on fighting him, cooperatively. We DO NOT let ourselves be defeated. If he beats us, I call in Tsunami, but if he doesn't, so much the better." How can anyone call something this stupid, "a plan!?" "Is that it?" Ayeka asked, shocked at the plan's simplicity. You ain't the only one, darl'n! (Imitates Tarot in a football game.) Okay! Just run out there and get open! "That's it," Erik replied. "It's the best I can do WE BELIEVE *THAT*! without knowing the current extent of his telepathic powers. Now, we just need a battlefield, a place where we can fight and no one else will get hurt." School playground? The mall? Central Park? Tookyoo? Since when has anyone in this group given a rat's ass about bystanders? Ryoko blew up a school! Ayeka bombed Tenchi's house from her ship! "I know of one," Tenchi said. "An abandoned construction site, about three kilometers south of Tokyo. A private citizen funded it until his money ran out. It's the perfect place." Yeah, near a city! Perfect! No one lives there! (Shrugs.) No one *we* know or care about, at least. Yeah! There's nothing but strangers there! "There's never a `perfect place' to fight. Still, it's as good as it's going to get," Erik said. "Can your teleporting ability transport multiple people?" Probably would've been better to ask *me* that question. "Yes. I don't know if I can take everyone at once, but I can try." "Do it," Tarot said. Does the fact that this guy is giving everyone else orders strike you as odd? (Powering up.) If he keeps pushing around *my* Tenchi, I'm going to take those tarot cards and shove them up his *beep!* (Blinks.) Looks like the censors got Ryoko. "Take me there first, so we don't run the risk that he'll home in on me here. Then bring everyone else." (Imitates announcer from Candid Camera.) What Tarot doesn't realizes is that once Tenchi drops him off, the others are going to leave him there and get pizza. (Imitates Tarot.) You guys? Where are you? It's dark and there are wolves out here! (Does a wolf howl.) Tenchi and Tarot grabbed each other's wrists I KNEW IT! GAY! HE'S NOT GAY! He's bi. NO HE ISN'T! LEAVE HIM ALONE! (Cries.) and disappeared. *** Five minutes later, (Imitates TV announcer.) IN THE GREEN LANTERN'S LAIR!!! the last of the group appeared behind a pile of girders. Erik was on the ground, writhing in pain. "He's almost here," he gasped, struggling to stand. "He's going to be showing up right about-now." He whines a lot for a super hero, doesn't he? Just as Erik finished his sentence, the air around a certain area seemed to condense and become solid. At first, the form was still clear and transparent, almost invisible, but then it filled in, revealing a man Tarot's age in a black martial arts gi. Another martial arts villain...yea... (Imitates Bruce Lee.) Tarot! (Continues moving his mouth in an imitation of a bad dub.) I will destroy you with the power of Dumb Fu! He wore some light armor, nothing more than shields on his forearms, a protective full-head helmet that seemed designed to strike fear in those that looked at it, (Reads the emblem on the side of the helmet.) Jacksonville Jaguars...well, that makes sense. Uh huh...Sure it does... and shinguards. Oh! I see now! He's a skater! (Imitates Elemental) Tarot! I challenge you to skate off! Meet me at the halfpipe behind the River City Bridge! His weapons were two ninja swords strapped to his back and what looked like a crossbow attached to his right sleeve. (Bored voice.) Ooooh, ninja...(Pulls his AM gun and fires at the screen.) The man looked at Tarot and grinned slightly, although it was obvious he was in pain. "So. The `hero' is too cowardly to face me by himself. How amusing." But very true to life! Tarot gasped in pain. "There's a difference between being brave and being stupid, Elemental. (Imitates Tarot.) I'm one of them! Guess which! This is one of those trick questions, right? My powers don't effect you, so I prefer attacking in a group." (Imitates Tarot) With my homeys to watch my back, G! (Imitates Tarot.) Get them, my loyal Tenchi cronies! Elemental smiled and spread his hands, palms out. "This time, I'm willing to be civilized. (Imitates Elemental.) I'll roshambo you for it! Therefore, I challenge you to a duel. *Groan* Only weapons and skill, no powers. Just you," he pointed to Erik, "and me," he pointed to himself. Tarot's eyes narrowed. "How do I know this isn't some sort of trick?" he asked. (imitates Tarot.) Like that time you told me to close my eyes while you hid! Then you kicked my ass! <"I know you and you aren't above cheating." Elemental smiled some more. "I am as eager to be done with this feud as you are, Tarot. As much as we're eager to be done with this fic! The rules of the duel will be as I stated, along with no attacking from behind. The person who wins will be the person who survives. You said it yourself, Tarot. You said that the next time we met, one of us would die." *Groan.* So here it is...The part where the SI character wins the day and becomes a hero... Because of the power of his heart... Bucket. (Hands Afura the bucket.) Washu whispered in Erik's ear. (Imitates Washu) Is that a dagger in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? "I don't trust him," Duh. he said. "Call it a feeling, but I think he's lying. Duh squared. He has no intention of following through with the terms he set." Duh cubed. Elemental scowled and his face darkened with rage. "I heard what you said, midget." (Imitates Washu) That's "Little" Midget to you, bucko! He looked back at Erik. "So Tarot, your girlfriend doubts my goodwill. There is only one punishment for that!" You think because she spent all that time with Tarot she'll get time served and go home? Not in this state... With that, he touched his right hand to his temple, then pointed it toward Washu. I CHOOSE YOU!! Washu seemed to go into convulsions for a moment, then stopped and slowly, deliberately, started moving her hand toward her stomach, curled into a claw. (Imitates Jepetto.) Look! Look at the puppet I made! (Imitates Washu) Papa! Can I be a *real* scientific genius and not just a puppet!? (Hits them both with the Mystical Hentai Cricket Bat!) Hey! What did we say about bringing Disney here!? She gritted her teeth and it was obviously a struggle to speak. She looked at Erik with desperation in her eyes. "I-can't-control it!" she cried, just as her nails sank into her soft flesh and pulled to one side. Her hand peeled back the layers of skin and muscle, exposing her digestive tract for all to see. (Imitates Washu.) And this is the pancreas! (Looks at the stomach contents.) Hmmmmm....seaweed, human remains, licence plate...Is this a Tenchi fic or Jaws? With her other hand, she reached into the stomach cavity and grabbed her intestines, pulling them out and dropping them in a long, ropy pile on her feet. And everyone else just stared at her and made no effort to stop her self disembowlment. The end. The end! *** Washu had never felt such pain in all her thousands of years of existence. Well...except for those dates with Tarot... Her organs were burning in response to being exposed to the air. She looked down at herself and saw her blood pouring from a huge hole in her middle. Her intestines were hanging from one hand like thick spaghetti, (Looks down at his spaghetti TV dinner.) Well there goes *my* appetite! (Tosses it away.) (Eats her TV dinner and feeds a bird on her shoulder.) and they were warm and wet on her feet where they had landed. She collapsed, feeling Erik catch her just before she hit the ground, but not feeling any pain. So...Being disembowled doesn't hurt? Let's find out! (Activates her lightsword and grabs Davner.) Lift your shirt, hentai! It's time to experiment! (Screams and tries to sqirm away.) She was beyond pain. She saw Erik's worried, upset face hovering over her own. So worried as to not try to stop the guy who was doing this to her... He was shaking her gently, yelling her name, asking her if she was still conscious. (Imitates Tarot.) Hey, are you okay? She reached up weakly and stroked his face, smearing her blood on him, trying to tell him that she would be okay, that everything would be okay. But she felt blood come up her esophagus, clog her throat, then well up and trickle from the corner of her mouth. Her vision was going dim and fuzzy. She had to squint in order to see clearly. She saw the others as if the sun was going out, getting dimmer, going black- The end! (Gets up to leave.) (Face appears on screen.) Hey! You can't leave until they find some lame ass way to bring me back to life! Now sit down! (Grumbles and sits.) *** Erik gently set Washu's body down on the ground. Her eyes were open, staring blankly, and he gently closed them, trying to give her some semblance of dignity. Hello! She just tore her own guts out! I think we're *far* past that point. Tears started to leak from his eyes as he held her hand, pressing it against his cheek, feeling the pain in his heart that was so much harder to bear than the pain in his body. *yawns* How very "touching." He threw back his head and screamed, "Noooooooo!" (immitating Tarot) She's the only woman who ever liked me! Now I'll be a virgin forever! giving a voice to his anguish. Forgetting his friends, Friends? Just because they haven't killed you doesn't make you their friend. he turned back to Elemental, seeing red, hate in his mind and murder in his eyes. "Elemental!" he screamed. (immitating Tarot) Damnit! Did you have to kill her so graphically? Strangling her would've been a lot neater. (Imitating Tarot.) Hey! I have to mop that floor! "I'll see you burn in Hell for this!" He touched the Fire rune on his chest and didn't even bother to aim properly, (immitating Tarot) Whoops, looks like I blew up the Tokyo Tower. Ah blowing up the Tokyo Tower. The great tradition of anime. simply threw a blast at the man who had killed the woman he loved. Elemental laughed and raised a shield of Water in front of himself. "You fool!" (immitating Elemental) I have read the book of overused villain phrases! You can't beat me now! he yelled in absolute triumph. "Look around you! While you were wasting time mourning, look what happened to your friends!" Ha ha! They ditched Tarot and went for frogurt! "Your friends-" No dummy. You're supposed to say "my friends." Didn't you pass any English courses? (immitating Tarot) No... I was too busy trying to pick out a superhero costume! (sniffles) I wonder what the saleslady said when he asked for spandex. The words managed to pierce Erik's anger-clogged brain. He looked around. His friends had apparently attacked Elemental and failed. Afterall, Bruce Lee was always more powerful then godesses, demi-gods, and other insanely over-powered anime characters. Ryoko was lying on the ground, her face turning an alarming shade of blue. (hums Willy Wonka music) Ooompa! Loompa! Oompadee Doo! Tenchi was screaming and had his hands over his eyes, or so it seemed until Erik noticed the blood leaking out from between his fingers. His eyes were gone. Reducing Ryoko's greatest advantage to nothing.... He was unable to concentrate enough to regenerate. Ayeka's robots were lying scattered on the ground in bits and pieces. When did Ayeka start building robots anyhow? Since she got that mail-in degree from New England Tech. You should see her William Shatner robot. (Imitates William Shatner robot.) Hey, folks! Bitch'n party! Read my book. Read my book. Read my book.... All the others- all unconscious or dead, (immitating Tarot) Sorry, guys. You just weren't important enough to get your own individual conditions noted here. he couldn't tell just by looking. Except for Tsunami. Where was she? Being the smart one, she left. She should have been here by now if she had followed the plan. If I were her I wouldn't have followed that dumbass plan either. It was up to him now. (groans) Tarot reached into the hidden pockets that held his throwing stars. He yanked them (Snicker.) Hentais... out and hurled them at his enemy in a triangle. Elemental simply laughed and whipped (Snicker.) Jeez! What is with you two today!? up a wind that blew them away. With a cry of rage, Erik pulled out his new sword (Begin laughing out loud.) Oh, that's *real* mature! You guys are like little boys who get a big laugh whenever someone says the word 'penis!' (Laugh out loud.) and leaped toward him with the sword in one hand and the other touching the Fire rune on his chest, slashing at his enemy's chest and throwing a blast of Fire at him both at the same time. In the name of the moon, I shall punish you! (Stare at her.) (Shrugs.) You know he's going to say it eventually. Elemental touched the Water rune on his own chest and threw a stream of Water at Tarot, throwing him back nearly thirty feet and sending his sword flying from his hand. Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Kokoro! (immitating Captain Planet) I am here on behalf of all tree huggers to save the day! Ooo. Ahhh. Tarot hit the ground hard, his breath rushing from his lungs. He got up again and touched his Earth rune. (Snicker.) Never heard it called *that* before.... Ugh... (Buries her face in her hands and shakes her head.) Please let it be over soon. A cloud of dust rose from the dry ground around Elemental, then suddenly formed into two spear-like shapes, driving toward Elemental's eyes. Wrong holes stupid! Elemental touched the Air rune on his chest and dispersed the spears into individual particles. (Cups her hands around her mouth and shouts at the screen.) BO-RING! Erik realized he couldn't beat this-MONSTER in a battle of Elements. (Imitates the narrator.) He'd have to use his *wits*! Oh, man, this boy is so screwed! He looked around himself desperately, looking for something, anything that he could use as a weapon. Too late, he looked up and saw the sole of Elemental's boot just before it impacted with his jaw. Nike! JUST DO IT! He flew back again, this time landing beside a pile of five-foot-long steel pipes, about an inch around. Yea...The conveniently placed weapon.... Erik heard Elemental's laughter and saw him standing over him, (Imitates Elemental.) You're my bitch now! leering down at him, laughing out his triumph. Erik finally noticed the pipes beside him and then looked back up at Elemental, a faint grin on his face. "You know, Elemental," he said, coughing up a little blood, "I used to use my powers in magic tricks. Oh, God! Someone stop him! He's going to make a speech! And there's one thing you should always do when fighting a magician." Check his cards! Kill his bunny! Burn his hat! Strangle the lovely assistant! Sode o mimasu! "And what is that?" the evil man asked, still laughing. "Make sure he's got nothing up his sleeve." (Pats Misao's head.) Good call! With that, Erik rolled on his side, grabbed one of the pipes, and rolled in the opposite direction just before Elemental's foot came crashing down on the spot where his hand had been. Holding the pipe like a throwing spear, he jammed it up into Elemental's solar plexus hard enough to lift him up off the ground and send him flying several feet back. See?! Dead! Let's go home! (Gets up.) (Face appears on the screen.) Little Ryoko...Just where are you going? Um....The can? Hold it. (Sighs and sits back down.) Erik was on his feet in a flash, running after Elemental, the pipe held tightly in his hands like a bo staff. So let me get this straight. The Light Hawk Wings aren't enough to face this guy, but a pipe is? (Playing Clue.) Tarot, in the insane asylum, with the lead pipe. Elemental arched his back and jumped to his feet like a gymnast, charging toward Erik and drawing his swords at the same time. He slashed with both swords at once, and they were both blocked at once with Tarot's makeshift bo staff. Elemental hit the Water rune on his chest and suddenly, Tarot felt something start to fill his lungs. If there's a god in heaven, it's nerve gas. [No!] he thought, just as he realized that he was drowning in his own bodily fluids. Which bodily fluids? Oh, that is disgusting! Suddenly, Tarot felt his lungs clear. He gasped for breath and then felt one of Elemental's swords slash across his back. He felt his uniform turn sticky with the blood that was gushing from the wound. DIE! DIE! DIE! Then, just as suddenly, it was closed. The wound was gone. Tarot struggled unsteadily to his feet and faced Elemental defiantly. His enemy was looking at him with something akin to awe. "This can't be!" he yelled. "By now you should be going into shock from lack of oxygen and loss of blood!" (Imitates Tarot.) Ha ha! You're attacks are no match for the power of shameless SI! There's no fun in SI if you can't defy common sense. "But I'm not," Erik replied. (Imitates Tarot.) I'm... THE GREEN LANTERN!! "I had help from a friend." (Blinks.) Jesus? Ala? Billy Grahm? Johnny Cochrane? Negishi? Just then, he noticed that his other friends were starting to revive. Ryoko shook her head a little, then stood up, wobbling slightly, but in good condition. Tenchi had managed to regenerate his eyes (Shakes her head.) Someone needs to take freshman biology. and the others were starting to stand, a little dazed, but none the worse for the wear. Except for Washu. Erik saw her laying on the ground, still wounded, still bleeding, still dead. Wouldn't that last one make the other two points moot? Erik almost cried at the sight, but then turned his mind back to business. (Imitates Tarot.) Steal'n glory! The entire group attacked Elemental as one, systematically, coldly, only driven by raw instinct and rage. And that is actually better then the plan Tarot came up with! Elemental tried to throw them off, but suddenly felt weak. He seemed barely able to lift his swords. He touched the Air rune on his chest weakly and tried to use wind to blow these annoyances away, but his powers were no longer working. Afura, darl'n, do you have to touch your chest before you can use your powers? (blinks.) No. I have a lamp on my belt. Hmmm....What's say we go back to your room and activate your lamp? Never heard it called *that* before... Davner, if you wanted a demonstration of my powers... (Smiles and points at him. A wind blast hits Davner and throws him against the wall.) ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK!!!! (Shakes her head.) He'll never learn... This was his last realization before Tenchi's light sword pierced his chest, puncturing one lung, and the heated tip of Tarot's bo staff was driven through his right eye socket, destroying his brain. Yeah, like a brain has anything to do with the creation of this fic... Then, everything went black. *** Tarot pulled the staff from Elemental's skull and watched the body fall to the ground. He looked at his staff for a moment, (Snicker.) And realized how puny it was... then threw it away. He looked at his friends dully, then noticed Tsunami kneeling by Washu's body, moving her hands over the wound, healing it. (Imitates Tsunami as Washu.) I'm an angel of mercy, Washu! Tsunami in a nurse outfit.....(Eyes roll back into his head. Begins to drool.) He walked over to her. "Can you save her?" he asked the goddess. (immitating Tsunami) This is anime! Of course I can! Tsunami looked at him, her pink eyes holding just the slightest hint of tears. "No," she said. "I can reconstitute her body, but her life force is completely gone. Even I am not able to bring someone back when there is nothing left." (Imitates Tsunami.) Sure, I could do it for Tenchi, but he has a nice tush! (Glared at Afura.) Have you been looking at my Tenchi's tushie? Of course not! (Mutters.) Probably been looking at *your* tush... (Blast Davner to the wall!) Erik buried his face in his hands and fell to his knees, not believing what she was saying, believing it all too much. (Imitates Charleton Heston.) YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! GOD DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!! Wrong movie, Cavis. Oh. Tears leaked from between his fingers and fell upon his love's face, now calm and peaceful, at rest. He felt a hand on his shoulder and threw it off, not wanting to be comforted. (immitating Tarot) I want to whine! Why? Because I do! Why? (puts on headphones and presses play on walkman) I'm so useless. He felt two young, yet strangely strong arms encircle him, and this time surrendered, burying his face in Tsunami's shoulder. She stroked his head, making small, comforting sounds, telling him that although she couldn't bring Washu back by herself, she could do it with help from him. If she says she needs Tarot to screw her to bring back Washu, I'm outta here! Erik pulled away, not sure if he had heard right. "I- I'm sorry Tsunami, could you repeat that?" (immitating Tarot like Forest Gump) I'm not a smart man... he asked, his voice cracking, wiping some tears away with his hand. "I said that I can bring Washu back with your help," (Imitates Tsunami.) With the power...of love! Tsunami said. "Her life force is gone, but her soul is not. Oh no! He's mixing religions! This can only end badly. She is clinging to this world, not wanting to leave it, not wanting to leave us, her adopted family. But most of all, not wanting to leave YOU. *Groan.* She loves you. And if you consent, I can transfer part of your life force into her, make her live again, on your life force. She will not be restored to complete health, but she will be alive." (Imitates Tsunami) She will live the rest of her life as a vegetable, hooked into various machines, and only capable of eating through a straw. (Imitates Tarot.) Whatever. "Do it," Erik said. "If it'll make her live again, then do it. Transfer as much as you need to." All of it! Tsunami, you're our last hope to kill this man once and for all! Suck him dry, Tsunami! SUCK HIM DRY!! (Blinks at Cavis.) Settle down, Cav... Tsunami nodded. "All right," she said. "The transfer requires direct physical contact, though." (Imitates Tsunami.) Drop your pants, turn your head, and cough. "What kind of contact?" Erik asked, The *good* kind! aware suddenly that the others were mourning Washu also. Ryoko had her face buried in Tenchi's chest, sobbing for the loss of her mother, (Uncorks a bottle of champagne and blinks.) Oh, yeah. I'm shattered.... while Ayeka had turned to her brother, Yosho, for comfort. What? No Tenchi glomping? This is new. None of them noticed the conversation they were having. "A simple kind, (Imitates Tsunami.) Now remove your Earth pants! nothing difficult or strenuous about it," Tsunami answered. So she's going to be doing all the work? I love women like that! "All that is required is for you to take her left hand and place it over your heart." (Activates light sword.) Now just stand still while we open your chest up so she can touch your heart. Erik did as she instructed before she continued. "Now, place your left hand over her heart." You do the hokey pokey and your turn it all around! That's what it's all about! Erik was visibly less comfortable with this. "Is that last part really, ah, necessary?" he asked. You've never had a problem groping her before. "Yes," Tsunami replied, all business, no joking around. "The reason it has to be your left hand is the fact that the left hand is closer to the heart. When you place your left hand over her heart, the two hands will form a relay between your hearts that I can transfer your life force to her through." Next on Mr. Wizard, we'll run a remote controlled car with a potato! "Okay," Erik said, still nervous. He timidly moved his hand forward and placed it over Washu's heart, still not entirely comfortable with this. (immitating Tsunami) Do you solemnly swear, to tell the whole truth, and but the truth, so help you God.And I'll know because I *am* God! (immitating Tarot) Sure... Are you or are you not a shameless SI, Mr. Tarot? (bursts out crying) It's true! I am the one armed man! I was the second gunman behind the grassy knoll! I'm Deep Throat! I conspired to keep the American public from knowing of the existence of aliens! I was a member of the Black Sox! And I was Bill Clinton's barber! Ryoko finally looked toward Washu's body and saw what Erik was doing. "What are you doing?" she yelled, breaking free of Tenchi's arms and charging toward Erik angrily. "Do you have no respect for the dead?" Isn't this the same woman who spat on Fatora's grave not two hours ago? Hey! That bitch had it com'n! Suddenly, Erik felt something like a shock pass through him, and then he lost conscious. (Imitates Tsunami with a stun gun.) Got him! *** When Erik awoke, he was laying on the examination table in Washu's lab. Washu was lying beside him, still unconscious. He rolled toward her slightly and felt at her neck for a pulse. It was steady and strong. She was alive. (Pouring champagne.) Ding dong! The witch is dead! Which old witch!? The wicked wi...HUH?! Erik was too overjoyed too do anything except kiss her on the lips, feeling her breath on his cheek, the warmth that he had thought he would never feel again. BUCKET! (appears on screen) Hmmm right on schedule too. You know, you can actually time how long it takes for a cliche device to enter an SI fic after awhile. Well why don't you do some in depth studying on the subject and (throws energy blasts at screen) LEAVE US ALONE! Then, he became aware that she was stirring, her arms moving, going around him. He surrendered to her embrace and held her close, weeping with joy, feeling her body, her warmth, and her life. She was alive. And all was right with the world. But Tarot's alive! And Tenchi hasn't confessed his love to me! And the fic isn't over yet! And Tsunami didn't get naked! Watashitachi wa Pixy Misa o mitsukemasen deshita! Good point. I wonder whatever happened to her... (A bird flies around the room and lands on Davner's shoulder, staring at Misao.) *** Well, not quite all. Tenchi and his two would-be suitors still had their own problems. At this moment, Ryoko had decided it would be a good time to make a move on Tenchi. Specifically by barging into his room, closing the door, and ripping her shirt off. (Imitates Mr. Rogers.) Can you say, "subtle?" Subtlety never works! You see something, you go for it! I must agree with Ryoko on this one, darl'n. Subtlety only goes so far before you have to reach out, take what you want, kiss her, throw her on the bed... Stop. I think you get the point. "Ryoko, I've told you and Ayeka time and again, (Imitates Tenchi.) It doesn't count unless you go all the way! (Begins to strip.) Gladly! Cavis, you are GOD! Ayeka!! (Face appears on screen.) Yes? Piss on you, Afura. (Looks away as Ryoko puts her shirt back on.) I'm not ready to decide between you two!" Tenchi yelled, blood streaming from his nose, not from any act of violence. "Now get your shirt back on!" (Bursts into tears.) Tenchi! Am I that horrible to look at!? (Hugs Cavis.) Why does he hate me so much! (Pats Ryoko on the back.) Face it, Ryoko. He's gay. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! "Ohhhh, but Tenchi, you know you love me and not her!" Ryoko said, a little-girl pout on her face. That's right! Tenchi Forever proves it! Tenchi Forever proves that otaku will watch anything! That's all it does! Well, I'm root'n for you, Ryoko. "Maybe I do and maybe I don't but that's not the point right now! Woah! Tenchi just said the word, "maybe!" That's more than any movie's done! The point is that you are in my room, you are not dressed, and if Ayeka walks in she's going to start raising holy hell!" Oh, here we go again! Putting *our* big plans on hold for the sake of that bitch princess! (Glares.) I take it back. I hope he tells you to get lost. (Cries.) "But can't we manage just a quickie?" Ryoko asked, grabbing Tenchi's hand and trying to place it on her right breast. The direct approach. You have to admire her pluck, though. (Leans toward the screen for a better view.) Yes...her pluck... As if on cue, Ayeka opened the door and saw Ryoko trying to seduce the man she perceived to be her future husband. "Ryoko!" she yelled, charging forward and planting herself between the two of them. "That is the last time you try to corrupt Lord Tenchi!" the princess said, just before punching Ryoko square in the jaw. Good shot! Kick her ass, darl'n! (Screams at herself on the screen.) Get up! Get back in there and show her what you're made of, dammit! Ding! Tenchi decided it would be a good time to excuse himself from the room. At least, it would have been if a rather more beaten-looking (he had been just recently repaired) Azaka hadn't decided to choose that moment to appear, completely blocking the door. (Imitates Azaka.) Your ass is mine, prince boy! Tenchi then decided it was a good time to switch to Plan B: jump out the window and fly away. That's another thing, what about their powers? Ever since Tarot showed up, the situation the entire fic is *named for* has been taking a back seat. I don't want to know. (Looks at the scroll bar.) The fic's almost over. Let's just run down the clock, okay? Running quickly, lest Ayeka's other robot appear blocking the window, he dove through, his arms shielding his head and shards of glass flying all around him. He concentrated his entire mind on simply staying above the ground so hard that he wasn't even aware until he hit the ground-thankfully the soft soil of the carrot patch- that he realized he couldn't fly anymore. ..... No. Uh uh. He is *not* just going to say, 'and then they went back to normal.' He is not getting off this easily! Spitting dirt out, he looked down at the mess he had made, both of himself and of the carrot patch. And we all know what can happen....."At The Carrot Patch!" *Shudders* He was lucky not to have broken every bone in his body. Yeah....lucky... Then, he looked down at his left wrist, exposed to view by the fact that his sleeve had torn off in the landing. Ryoko's gem was gone. BUT HIS VIRGINITY IS STILL THERE! AND THAT'S WHAT I *REALLY* WANT!!! Tenchi looked at his wrist a moment longer, feeling it to make sure his eyes weren't playing tricks, then got down on his hands and knees, digging through the kicked-up dirt, trying to find it. If he lost the gem before he and Ryoko could trade powers back, she would kill him! Suddenly, he heard a ZAP from his window and looked up just in time to see an uninjured, but disheveled Ayeka flying out of his window toward him. He scrambled to get out of the way, but he didn't move fast enough, which caused Ayeka to land on him. Hard. (Grins at Davner) And that's how Ayeka seduces Tenchi... (Glares.) Tenchi felt the wind knocked out of him again as she hit, landing on his back and knocking him flat. The next sound he heard once the ringing in his ears stopped was Ayeka saying, "Lord Tenchi! Are you all right?" (immitating Tenchi) Oh yes. This fic is just doing "wonders" for me. I've been beaten up, nearly killed, and my star status has taken a backseat to the master of dumb fu! Tenchi gently pushed her off of him and rolled over, every movement excruciatingly painful. "Fine, Ayeka," he gasped, wincing as his ribs moved. Anymore graphic disembowelment and I'm leaving whether Washu wants me to or not! Ayeka looked a little less worried now. "Well, thank you, Lord Tenchi. You broke my fall perfectly." (sings.) Tenchi, the human doormat! Tenchi groaned. "Don't mention it and I won't mention you breaking my back." Or busting his balls. *** Ryoko came running into Washu's lab excitedly, carrying great news. "Mom! Tenchi and I have-Aw, no, that's not right!" She had run right into the middle of a make out session between her mother and Erik. BUCKET! ME FIRST! (Grabs the bucket.) Give me the bucket, Cav, or I'll gut you! No! And, as all children do when they walk in on their mothers having a private moment, she immediately had to suppress the regurgitation reflex. Suppress hell! Gimme the bucket, Cav! (Imitates Sally Struthers on South Park.) Noooooo! It's *my* bucket! (Pukes.) After Ryoko had regained control of this reflex, she managed too say, "Um, Mom? Can I talk to you for a moment?" (Imitates Washu) Little Ryoko, can't you see that Mommy is getting it on? BUCKET!!! Receiving no answer, Washu being preoccupied at the moment, she gave a disgusted sigh. "Sheesh, are you two in heat or what? (immitating Washu) Little Ryoko, wanna have some fun with mommy and the man in the cardboard mask? BUCKET! Fine, I'll come back when you're not busy." With that, she turned and walked out the dimensional door. (Pukes in Cavis' lap.) EWWWWWWWWWW!!! And just in time too. The moment the door closed, Erik and Washu, who really hadn't noticed her, started removing their clothes. BUCKET!BUCKET!BUCKET! (Covers Misao's eyes) *** That night, Erik took the whole gang to New York City, to a trendy nightclub he knew of. Newsflash, the library is not a dance club. They all danced with each other, even Yosho danced, although his somewhat unique style earned more than a few stares. Yosho must dance like Elaine Bennes from Seinfeld. Tenchi avoided dancing with Ryoko too much after a slow dance where she started trying to grab his butt, but other than that, they were all at ease, carefree, happy. Ayeka sama wa doko desu ka? You said it, Misao chan. I wonder if she's even in this fic anymore. After a while, the DJ started playing classic rock, and during one song that Erik said was his favorite, Must be Winger... Erik pulled Washu into a shadowy corner with few people. He appeared nervous. "Um, Washu, I have a question for you." (Imitates Tarot) Can I have my life force back? I've been having trouble getting an erection without it. "Ask away," the scientist replied, almost bouncing with excitement and worked-up energy. "Any question at all." "Will you marry me?" BUCKET!! And the cliche reaches it's climax. You're one to talk! (seethes.) Now THAT question Washu did not expect. "Um-Erik, we've only known each other for a few days," she said, (Imitates Washu) I don't move that fast anymore! sounding unsure. "I would love too, but I don't know-" (Imitates Washu.) You're so lame. Then, her face broke into a smile and she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. "Yes," she whispered once their lips separated, looking into his eyes. "Yes, I will marry you." *Groan.* Is this fic OVER YET?! As she said those words, the song that was playing took on a new significance for her. (Sings.) I got a lovely bunch of coconuts! There they are a standing in the road! Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head! At first she couldn't understand the words because of the volume, but now they came through clear as day. No no. That's just typical rap music. "Come on! Come on! And there'll be no turning back, You were only killing time and it'll kill you right back. Come on! Come on! It's time to burn up the fuse, You've got nothing to do and even less to lose! You've got nothing to do and even less to lose!" That's not the volume. Meat Loaf is always like that. So...their special song is by *Meat Loaf*?! That's gotta hurt. I LOVE IT! (Laughs hysterically.) *** One week later, Erik and Washu left for South America for their honeymoon. South America! Home of pirhanas, drug dealers, and runaway Nazis! The opportunities for travel is what I like most about anime. On the way there, Erik told Washu that his main source of income was stocks his dead parents had left him. So *that's* why he killed them! Damn! And I was betting on good o'l fashioned homicidal mania! Since the death of his brother at the hands of Kain, You remember Kain, right? The ultravillain who was somehow easier to kill than Elemental. he was the only member of his family still living. "So I guess now it's up to me to keep the family name going." Hint hint... (Imitates Tarot.) I'm gonna get me some! Washu smiled and kissed him on the lips. "Well, we don't need to concern ourselves with that immediately. (evil grin) Yeah they already have one daughter. (blinks) Oh god! Say hello to daddy! (buries head in hands) KILL ME! JUST KILL ME! The regenerator I used to heal your scars can also extend life. We have all the time in the universe." .... Please tell me that wasn't a hint at a sequel. (Begins to cry.) THE END (Cheers!) RUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!! (Leaps out of their seats and run for the exit. Cavis tries to turn the knob, but the door won't open.) (Frantic.) WE'RE LOCKED IN! (Begins to hyperventilate.) (Face appears on screen.) I'm working on the door. Just sit down. (Banging on the door, tears streaming down her face.) Let us out! Please! SIT! (Returns to their seats.) I'll have the door open in a second. Read the author's notes if you're bored. Author's Note: So, whaddya think? (Throws garbage at the screen.) This rewrite is my second attempt at writing fan fiction, and I know I probably made other mistakes, The biggest one being the rewrite! but I do my best. And I know Washu's threat to kill Erik, her offer to heal his scars and her quick acceptance of his invite all in the space of a few hours probably seemed at least a little out-of-character. Brilliant deduction, Murder She Wrote! So it wasn't a mistake....HE KNEW!!! But c'mon, cut me a break folks! No! I'm new at this! So what!? I've only seen the first episode of the original OAV! Watch more! I'm going on info I gathered off the Internet! I'm going to make mistakes! So come off it already! I do believe I'm sensing a great deal of hostility from this man. (Begins to cry.) (Huggles the girl) That bastard! He made her cry! There there, little Misao chan! It's okay. If you have any questions or comments, send them to Vault_Keeper_2000@yahoo.com. Question: Given the lack of experience with actual Tenchi Muyo, how do you justify writing a large fic dealing with so many diverse characters that you, yourself, admit to knowing absolutely nothing about? ! ! ! ? Holy shit! I think Ryoko just posed an intelligent question! The fic has obviously affected her. I will NOT accept having my work insulted. -_- Is that so? I say we fry him! Hear hear! (Pulls the AM gun.) Constructive criticism and suggestions of how I can make it better are fine, Suggestion: Kill Tarot. but do NOT insult my work. Just to clarify, if I were to call your work a load of self indulgent bullshit....would that be an insult? How about a cheap effort to attain immortality at the expense of the characterizations of the original characters. Wasn't that Tenchi Forever? What if I just called it 'crap?' Uma no kuso? I think you're all safe. A lot of time and effort and love go into my stories. Speaking of feedback, I would GREATLY appreciate-in fact, I'm begging-having you write in and tell me what your impressions were of this story before you read it, what you thought it would be like, etc., and what you thought after you were done reading it. (immitating author) I want to know what you think! But don't tell me it sucks! (Looks around.) Is...Is it over? I...I think so. (Throws his hands in the air.) WE'RE ALIVE!!! (Weeps.) We made it! We made it! This fic......IS DOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNEEEEE!!!! (Cheers.) (The Tree Room. Cast is assmbled dressed in their favorite superhero costumes. Ryoko, in a sexy red leotard and hornet mask, is holding a man with a bag over his head in a full nelson. Misao is absent.) Oh, I think we've all been looking forward to this... (Through the bag.) What's going on?! You can't do this to me! I'm Tarot! (Imitate seventies back up singers.) TAROT! (Glares at them.) (Sheepish.) Sorry. Force of habit. (Tries to get his hand to the runes on his chest.) Ryoko! Don't let him touch himself! Let's just tree him so I can take a bath and forget this fic ever happened! Yeah, tree him so Afura and I can take a bath and forget...(Is windblasted into the wall.) Let's get this over with! Voyager is on in ten minutes! I still can't believe you watch that show... If no one has any objections, I'd like to do the honors... (Starts toward Tarot.) Now wait a minute! I wanna tree him! Hey now! I haven't treed anyone yet! (Taps Ryoko on the shoulder.) Sumimasen, puh-lease! (Screams and releases Tarot.) (Gives Tarot a swift kick in the butt. Tarot goes flying into the tree.) Buh-bye!!! (Waves.) (Inside the tree.) (Lands with a thud.) Where am I? Where are my powers? Why can't I use my overly powered, author created superpowers!? (Two guys in front of a computer screen high five.) (Back in the tree.) Oooooooh! This one has a mask! (Starts to scream.) (The tree room.) (Stares at Pixy Misa) (Waves and disappears through the floor.) Sayonara! Sayonara! Guess she wasn't so bad, after all. (Walks in through the door.) Konnichi wa? Hello, Misao chan. Where've you been? (Face appears on a viewscreen) More bad news. Ready? (Groans.) Well, it turns out that Misao chan's pattern didn't check out. For some reason, it seems to have been fluctuating too much. So you're stuck. Yea... Well, Misao chan. Time to go home. (Gives Misao a hug. The girl disappears in a flash of light. He sighs.) I want one just like her. Er...Yeah. Oh, one more thing. Ryoko, I made an appointment for us for next week. (Blinks.) What for? (sighs.) Group therapy. (Eyes go wide.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Authors' Notes: Send C&C to: Cav, who can be reached at Cav@wpi.edu and Thomas "009" Doscher, who can be found at doscher009@hotmail.com