What if Tenchi was American? Another fucked up fic from the fucked up mind of AAA-PhuckNut Disclaimer: The characters in this fic are the property of AIC and Pioneer, I make no claims to them. This fic looks at Tenchi's life if he was American. _______________________________________________________________________ Ahh, another normal day in the Masaki household in Tampa, Florida. Tenchi is just waking up at 11 a.m. "Arg... My fucking head... I gotta lay off the booze.." said Tenchi very grogily. "OH TENCHI!!! Wake up my sexy Tenchi!!" said Ryoko as she jumped on top of Tenchi. "God dammit!! Would you get the fuck off me!! You always do that!!" yelled Tenchi. "Damn, calm the fuck down.. Im just trying to love you Tenchi." pouted Ryoko. "Ya well I dont have fucking time for it now." said Tenchi as he walked out of his room and headed down the stairs. Ryoko just sighed and then phased through the floor and headed into the kitchen. "Tenchi!! You finally woke up you lazy ass piece of shit!!" said Sasami as Tenchi walked into the kitchen. "Lay the fuck off, my drunken ass didnt even go to bed till 4 a.m." said Tenchi angrily. "Well now that your up, get your sorry ass movin and go tell everyone its time for lunch, and hurry up cause I dont got fuckin time to waste!" said Sasami. "Stupid bitch Sasami..." Tenchi mumbled as he walked out of the kitchen and passed by Ryoko. "What the fuck is wrong with him?" Ryoko asked Sasami as she got in the kitchen. "I fuckin told him to go get everyone for lunch, and I guess he's just being a fucking dick.." said Sasami. "Well Im fucking starving!! How much longer dammit!!" Ryoko blurted out. "As soon as everyone walks their happy ass'es and sits the fuck down then we can this dirty shit I call food." Sasami said. "Well Im gonna go find Ryo-ohkie so it will go faster.." Ryoko said. "I wouldn't fuckin bother if I were you.." Sasami said. "And why the fuck is that?" asked Ryoko. "Because Ryo-ohkie is what we are fucking eating!" said Sasami. "Oh ok.. well thats just one less fucking mouth to feed." said Ryoko. "Exactly." said Sasami. _______________________________________________________________________ Tenchi approached the shrine to get his grandfather Yosho to come to lunch, "Grandfather!" Tenchi yelled. No one responded.. "Hmm thats fucking odd, he must be really busy doing something." Tenchi said to himself. Tenchi then walked into the shrine and he heard a noise, sounded like heavy breathing, "Whats that wierd ass noise?" said Tenchi. Tenchi walked into the office inside in the shrine and found his grandfather jacking off to a gay porno movie. "EWW Grandpa!! What the fuck are you doing you senile old bastard!!" beamed Tenchi. "Yo whats up Tenchi? Care to join me in a gay orgy?" asked Yosho. "No you sick fucking prick!! Just come to lunch you fag!!" said Tenchi. "Why are you acting so fucking suprised? You weren't suprised last night when you were drunk and I was fucking Noboyuki in the ass." said Yosho. "You fucked dad?!?" questioned a suprised Tenchi. "Uh yaaaa... What the fuck has this world come to?? A man can't even have sex with his son-in-law anymore.." said Yosho. "Ok just shut the fuck up.. this is getting wierd.." said Tenchi. Tenchi then left and headed back to the house and went to the kitchen. 5 minutes later everyone else showed up, "About fucking time everyone got here.." said Sasami. "Just shut up bitch, and give us our fucking food" said Ayeka. "Ya you little slut, stop bitching and give us our god damned food" said Noboyuki. "Why dont you just pull your penis out of your ass and shut your damn mouth." Sasami said to Noboyuki. "My penis isnt in my ass, Yosho's is." Noboyuki said. "Figures.." said Ryoko. "You people are so fucking annoying.. Im going to the mall." said Tenchi. Tenchi then left and hopped into his Honda Civic V-TEC, put on Rollin by Limp Bizkit and blasted his stereo and headed out to the mall. _______________________________________________________________________ Tenchi was so sick of his life, he just wanted to kill everyone in his house. While he walked around the mall he formulated the plan. He would go the hobby store and buy some chemicals and make a nice little pipe bomb and blow all his friends and family to hell, where they all belong. _______________________________________________________________________ Tenchi acquired all the supplys he needed, and as he was walking out of the mall, he saw that bitch sakuya. "HI TENCHI!!" screamed Sakuya as she ran towards Tenchi. "Oh great.. not this fucking bitch again.." Tenchi mumbled to himself. "hey Tenchi whats up?" asked Sakuya once she got to Tenchi. "Nothing really... I got something to tell you." said Tenchi. "Ive been calling you and you still haven't called me back yet!" said Sakuya. "Thats what I wanted to say.." said Tenchi. "Oh thats ok Tenchi theres no need to apologize, I still love you!" said Sakuya happily. "Well you see, If you would just fucking listen, Im not apologizing to you because I think your an anoying bitch and I deliberatly didnt call you. Now just leave me the fuck alone." said Tenchi. Sakuya just stood there stunned and a tear rolled down her cheek as Tenchi left the mall. _______________________________________________________________________ Sakuya left the mall to run home and cry, she was so busy thinking of Tenchi that as she ran she didnt notice the 20 ton Mack truck headed right for her. The trucker hit his brakes, but then he noticed that the girl looked like that Sakuya character on one of the animes that trucker watched. "Hey thats the Sakuya girl from Shin Tenchi!!" said the trucker. "I hate that FUCKING BITCH!!" screamed the trucker as he slammed on the gas. The truck slammed right into Sakuya's side with the force of a nuclear bomb detonating inbetween your legs. Sakuya's body was just splattered all over the front of the truck as the trucker drove away laughing hysterically. _______________________________________________________________________ Tenchi got home and went straight to his room to start work on his bomb. "Its about fucking time you got back Tenchi!" said Ayeka. "Back off bitch, I have work to do." said Tenchi as he passed by Ayeka. Tenchi made his pipe bomb and taped nails all around the outside of it for maximum killing effect, then he stuck a 10 second fuse out one end of it.. "Ah finally all fucking done!" beamed a proud Tenchi. Tenchi then headed out to the living room and taped the bomb to the bottom of the center table, then he called everyone into the room. "Everyone get the fuck in the living room! I have something to say!" yelled Tenchi. After everyone arrived Tenchi lit the bomb under the table so no one noticed, "Shit wait one sec, I forgot something." said Tenchi as he ran up into his room. "I wonder what the fuck this is about?" asked Ayeka "I dont kn" was all Sasami managed to say before the bomb exploded sending speeding nails into their bodys. Tenchi came back down after hearing the explosion and snickered when he saw all their mangled bodys lying all over the place. _______________________________________________________________________ Tenchi thought he had gotten away with this, but the police found out and arrested Tenchi. He was sent to a maximum security prison where he was anal raped by a fat black man named Butch. _______________________________________________________________________ THE END Well how did you like it? Some of you may disagree when these "americans" cuss so much.. well the talk in my family sounds just like it does in this fic :P I know it wasnt very "american" like for Tenchi to murder everyone, but I had to end this fic somehow!! PLus he suffered an "american" punishment when he was arrested! :P Send all comments to: viperz00@winfire.com