[Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo! and its characters are the property of AIC and Pioneer LDC, Inc. and was created by Masaki Kajishima. This story comes entirely from my imagination, and is strictly intended to be apocryphal--so please don't sue me.] *** Parental advisory: *** *** This contains some adult scenes! *** 1 EXT. MASAKI HOUSE Tilting upward to a night sky. Clouds drift past a shooting star. 2 EXT. YARD Sasami chases Ryo-Ohki around the yard. (Sasami appears to be about fifteen--a youthful pre-Tsunami.) 3 EXT. MAIN HALL (windows) Mihoshi is staring at the TV. 4 INT. MAIN HALL (sofa) Mihoshi's vacant gaze seems frozen on her face. She scowls for a moment and picks up a snack. MAIN HALL (ceiling) Ryoko lies on a support beam, reading a book. She holds out her right hand, and a white line of light appears. The light spins and stretches, then resolves into a circle. She then closes her hand over the light, shutting it out. CU. RYOKO She sits up and looks at her hand expectantly. She opens her hand and smiles. She then frowns and looks down. RYOKO: Hey, Mihoshi! What are you watching? CU. MIHOSHI Eating a snack. MAIN HALL (sofa) Ryoko teleports next to Mihoshi, glaring down at her. RYOKO: Mihoshi, didn't you hear me? Ryoko waves her hand in front of Mihoshi's face. No response. CU. RYOKO Looks around at the TV. RYOKO: I said, what are you-- (goofy-contralto) Whoa-ho... Hello? Her eyes glaze over and she starts to grin. A nervous twitch flickers through her face, and she hits herself. MAIN HALL (sofa) Ryoko yanks away her gaze and glares at Mihoshi again. RYOKO: (strained) Mihoshi, are you deaf? MIHOSHI: (wistful) Huh? Oh, Ryoko. What's up? RYOKO: What is this? Where did you find this on TV? CU. MIHOSHI MIHOSHI: (grimacing) It isn't a TV station. It's one of honorable Father's videos. I thought it was educational. I was just checking what it was, but I can't seem to stop watching. It's so hypnotic. CU. TV An ECU of a man on his back performing cunnilingus on a woman above him. CU. RYOKO Slowly looks around again. She looks at the screen and flinches. RYOKO: Oh! That's so gross! She slowly looks around again and begins to get a good stare going. MAIN HALL (sofa) Ryoko goes to the TV, adjusting the volume. MIHOSHI: Uh... I don't know if that's a good idea. RYOKO: This has sound, right? A soft rhythmic moaning emanates from the TV. Ryoko starts to grin again and sits at the sofa. MIHOSHI: Oh my god, that isn't real. It can't be... RYOKO: (leaning back) I never knew education could be so revealing. CU. TV A medium forest scene with a woman performing fellatio while riding her muff diver. MAIN HALL Ayeka slowly descends the stairs, brushing her hair. AYEKA: How is it that I always find you two doing something peculiar? I simply must have peace if I am to maintain my beautiful skin, you know. Do you expect to avoid wrinkles, if you horse around like children? Ayeka looks over at the TV, and the brush falls out of her limp hand to the floor. Her face starts turning deep red. CU. TV The woman arches her back in ecstasy. WOMAN: Ah... fuck! Yeah! CU. AYEKA Grimaces as a nervous twitch goes through her face. AYEKA: (strained) What in the world are you watching? MAIN HALL (sofa) Ryoko looks around at Ayeka--a grin still plastered on her face. RYOKO: Oh, hey Princess. I thought you were curious about what Earthlings do for fun. Well, now you know. AYEKA: But they are-- They are-- (she looks away) Oh, this is so embarrassing. CU. TV The scene has switched to the couple in missionary position. MAN: Oh yeah, fuck! Ah...! Some moaning starts to build. CU. AYEKA Straining to look down. AYEKA: (clutching her head) I must not look. This is simply dreadful. What would Lord Tenchi think? CU. RYOKO Looks back at the TV. RYOKO: (chuckling) Well, Ayeka. Tenchi is from Earth. This is probably just something people from Earth are expected to watch. This is his father's video, after all. CU. AYEKA AYEKA: (sighing) That explains it. Sometimes, Lord Noboyuki is nothing but a scoundrel. It shouldn't surprise me that he would have something like this in his possession. CU. TV The action is building to a furious climax and a chorus of moans. MAIN HALL (sofa) Mihoshi and Ryoko stare and Ayeka fights an urge to look. Ayeka starts to tremble. CU. AYEKA She looks up, rabid with curiosity. AYEKA: (goofy-contralto) Oh, whoa-- CU. RYOKO RYOKO: (wryly amused) Hey Princess, I thought you were too good to include yourself among us scoundrels... CU. AYEKA AYEKA: (starting to grin) Put a sock in it, Ryoko. I'm trying to watch. CU. TV A smash-cut to the man performing anal intercourse. MAIN HALL (sofa) They all flinch. RYOKO: Oh, that's so unreal! AYEKA: (pondering) They're not really doing what it looks like they're doing? (stunned) Oh my god, they really are-- CU. TV An ECU of the previous shot. CU. MIHOSHI A fresh look of bewilderment on her face. CU. RYOKO Frowns in irritation, then starts to grin. MAIN HALL (sofa) Sasami suddenly appears. SASAMI: Hey guys! What are you watching? Ayeka gasps and tries to put a hand in front of Sasami's eyes. Sasami dodges and ducks, curiously. AYEKA: Sasami! You are much too young for this. SASAMI: No, I'm not. Don't be so overbearing, Ayeka. I'm nearly an adult, you know. AYEKA: Sasami, leave the room immediately. That is an order! SASAMI: (chuckling) What is this? A workout video, or something? It looks like fun. CU. TV The couple are moaning and writhing in ecstasy. CU. RYOKO Laughing hysterically. CU. SASAMI She grabs Ayeka's hand and looks. SASAMI: Stop that, Ayeka. I want to watch. Whoa! They're-- CU. TV Medium shot of the couple in a mutual pumping action. CU. AYEKA Hides her face in shame. CU. SASAMI Frowns with confusion. SASAMI: They're not working out, are they? CU. RYOKO A spasm of giggling. RYOKO: It looks like a workout to me! 5 TITLE: "EPISODE 25: SILLY RIDDLES" 6 MAIN HALL (sofa) The four are still watching the TV. Sasami frowns and looks down, sighing. SASAMI: I think I'll go prepare some dinner. I can't watch this. AYEKA: That's a good idea, Sasami. You go do that. CU. TV Medium shot of the man using a dildo on the woman--as she lays on her back. She gives him a hand job. CU. SASAMI She looks back around as she reaches the door. She then turns and sighs again. MAIN HALL (sofa) Ryoko frowns, thoughtfully. RYOKO: Boy, you're right, Mihoshi. This stuff is hypnotic. CU. TV ECU of the woman starting to pump her fist, frantically. MAIN HALL Yosho enters and adjusts his glasses. YOSHO: What are you girls watching? It looks like you're really mesmerized. Ayeka gasps and hides her face again. CU. YOSHO A little embarrassed. YOSHO: Ah... (very quickly) Well, I suppose it's only natural for healthy young women to be, uh-- Especially under strenuous circumstances, to uh-- I think I'd better go, now. MAIN HALL Yosho hurries from the room. Ayeka groans in shame. Ryoko laughs. CU. TV Medium shot of the couple spasming in mutual orgasm. The woman is hit in the face with cream as she yells in climax. WOMAN: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Argh! Yeah! CU. RYOKO RYOKO: Hey Yosho, you're missing the best part! CU. AYEKA Still hiding her face. AYEKA: Oh, Earth culture is so hideously barbaric! CU. RYOKO RYOKO: Yeah, isn't it great? CU. MIHOSHI Scowls for a moment, then goes back to a vacant stare. 7 INT. KITCHEN Sasami prepares some food. She stops cutting for a moment, then returns to work. Ryo-Ohki walks up next to Sasami, in her humanoid-child form. RYO-OHKI: Eat? SASAMI: Oh, hey Ryo-Ohki. It's not time to eat, yet. I still have to cook this. CU. SASAMI SASAMI: The others are behaving like such children. It's strange, but I think I'm the only adult around here. KITCHEN Sasami pets Ryo-Ohki on the head. Sasami then turns to the range and starts to fill the pots. 8 INT. MAIN HALL (sofa) Ayeka is hiding her face as Ryoko scowls in disappointment. RYOKO: I think you can look up, Ayeka. Ayeka looks up and gasps. RYOKO: Oops, sorry. Okay, now it's over. CU. AYEKA Trembles in shame. AYEKA: How terrible! I shall never watch TV again. How can I ever look at myself and my beautiful skin the same way? CU. RYOKO RYOKO: (chuckling) Well, at least now you know why Noboyuki acts the way he does. I've always wondered-- CU. MIHOSHI Comes out of her trance. MIHOSHI: (annoyed) What a humiliating thing to see! That was just so degrading! MAIN HALL Mihoshi takes the video from the player. RYOKO: (matter-of-factly) Yeah, I think men are such swine. Let's see it again. Mihoshi angrily breaks the video. CU. RYOKO Flinches in shock. RYOKO: Hey! What did have to do that for? MAIN HALL (near door) SASAMI: (OC) Is it over? AYEKA: Yes, Sasami. You may enter. CU. SASAMI Brings in a couple dishes of food. SASAMI: (subdued) I'm so mortified. I can't believe you all could disgrace yourselves like this. CU. RYOKO RYOKO: (irritated) What's so disgraceful about it? It's perfectly natural, don't you think? You people are just far too sensitive. I thought it was kind of sweet and poetic. CU. DOOR Tenchi enters. TENCHI: Hey girls! I'm back. So, what's for dinner? CU. RYOKO She looks shocked for a moment, then grins, sadistically. CU. MIHOSHI Still twitching in anger. CU. AYEKA Blushes and cowers in shame. CU. SASAMI She sighs and looks up at Tenchi, very sullen. SASAMI: Hi, Tenchi. Welcome back. I've prepared us some nice food. CU. TENCHI TENCHI: (looking around, doubtfully) Am I in the right house? This is the Masaki residence, right? 9 EXT. MASAKI HOUSE A nice early morning frame. 10 INT. MAIN HALL (table) Tenchi sits at the table, reading a paper over some coffee. CU. TENCHI He calmly takes a drink, then looks around. TENCHI: Oh, hey there! Good morning, Sasami. MAIN HALL (near table) Sasami approaches the table, wearing a blanket around her shoulders. SASAMI: Good morning, Tenchi. TENCHI: I didn't know you were in here. Did you sleep out here? SASAMI: Yeah. Sasami sits down next to him. TENCHI: What for? You get in a fight with Ayeka? SASAMI: No. Ayeka was acting like a child, though. I just wasn't comfortable. I'd rather not talk about it. CU. TENCHI Flipping a page. TENCHI: Oh. CU. SASAMI Looks sullen and thoughtful. SASAMI: Tenchi, you ever worry about what you might become, one day? MAIN HALL (table) TENCHI: Hmm...? Oh. You mean, what it's like to be an adult-- SASAMI: No. I mean, do you ever worry about changing into someone completely different from yourself? TENCHI: (a little nervous) Do you? SASAMI: No. Well, I never did until last night. (sigh) Things can change very quickly, can't they? TENCHI: The others were acting pretty weird, too. You sure you don't want to talk about it? CU. SASAMI SASAMI: (smiling) Very sure. I'll see you later, Tenchi. CU. TENCHI He frowns for a moment, then takes another sip of coffee. 11 INT. LIBRARY Mihoshi is sitting over a notebook, writing--an open book next to her, as if for reference. Ryoko is sitting across from her, concentrating on a small pyramid of light in her hand. The pyramid stretches one way, then the other and spins, slowly. Tenchi enters the library, the paper under his arm. He lifts the cup of coffee to his lips and takes a drink, considering. CU. MIHOSHI She looks up. MIHOSHI: (unflustered) Oh, hey Tenchi. I see you're up early. CU. RYOKO Still concentrating on her pyramid of light. RYOKO: Morning, Tenchi... CU. TENCHI Ponders for a moment. TENCHI: Have you girls seen Ayeka? I need to have a little chat with her. LIBRARY Ryoko shrugs. Mihoshi stares thoughtfully for another moment. MIHOSHI: Uh... I think she's out in the fields... I'm not too sure, though. CU. TENCHI Looks thoughtfully around. He takes the paper in one hand and softly taps his head with it. TENCHI: Okay... 12 EXT. CARROT FIELD Ayeka kneels down over a row. Tenchi enters scene, still holding the paper. TENCHI: Good morning, Ayeka. AYEKA: (looking up) Oh, good morning, Lord Tenchi. CU. AYEKA Looks back down at her work. AYEKA: Isn't it a beautiful morning? CU. TENCHI Frowns in confusion. He takes the paper and taps his other hand with the end. TENCHI: Yeah... Ayeka, you mind if I ask a silly question? CU. AYEKA Stunned for a moment, then looks up. She smiles and wipes away some sweat. AYEKA: Not at all, Lord Tenchi. There are no silly questions, you know. FIELD Tenchi kneels down next to Ayeka. TENCHI: (softly) What are you doing? AYEKA: I'm weeding. What does it look like I'm doing? TENCHI: Ah... (pondering for a moment) Why? AYEKA: Because, Lord Tenchi--otherwise, the fields would grow foul and useless. Someone must weed, you know. CU. TENCHI TENCHI: (smiling wryly) I meant, why are you weeding? CU. AYEKA AYEKA: (softly chuckling) Because it is what I wish, Lord Tenchi. You wish for me to cease? FIELD He slowly stands, tapping his paper again. TENCHI: No. I don't mind. Go ahead. 13 EXT. NEAR CAVE ENTRANCE The old burial chamber of Ryoko, now overgrown with weeds. Tenchi approaches. He frowns and taps his paper again. TENCHI: (softly) Why? CU. SASAMI Sitting on a high branch in a tree. She frowns thoughtfully and leans forward. NEAR CAVE Sasami lands softly behind him. She slinks up to him and looks over his shoulder. SASAMI: (softly) Why what? CU. TENCHI He turns, alarmed. He then sighs in relief. TENCHI: (chuckling) Sasami, you scared me. CU. SASAMI SASAMI: (smiling) Tenchi, what are you thinking? NEAR CAVE TENCHI: (starts to smile) Huh? Oh, nothing. SASAMI: Tenchi, don't be naughty. I want to know. You're thinking about Ryoko, aren't you? TENCHI: Huh? Uh... Oh, yeah. SASAMI: (playfully scowling) Don't lie to me, Tenchi. I can tell when you're lying. CU. TENCHI TENCHI: (chuckling nervously) Oh, I think you're a big girl, now. You want to know what I'm thinking? Just try and make me talk. CU. SASAMI SASAMI: (a little shocked) What did you say? CU. TENCHI TENCHI: (firm) You heard me. NEAR CAVE SASAMI: (almost serious) I can make you do a lot more than talk, Tenchi. TENCHI: (chuckling again) You'll have to catch me, first. CU. SASAMI She narrows her eyes, grinning viciously. CU. TENCHI Turns away just as Sasami leaps at him. NEAR CAVE Sasami rolls past and immediately rolls into a crouch. 14 EXT. WIDE HILL FIELD Low, wide-angle shot facing Tenchi as he runs. Sasami gives chase. CU. SASAMI Making a bold leap. 15 EXT. WIDE HILL FOOT Sasami tackles him, pinning him down. The paper goes flying. SASAMI: Ha! Got you! TENCHI: No way! You can't hold me! CU. TENCHI He struggles and Sasami giggles. HILL Sasami has him pinned. She counters his best arm and leg throws with martial precision. CU. TENCHI Apparently beat. TENCHI: Okay, maybe you can. You win. All right--now what? CU. SASAMI SASAMI: (playfully) Now, I eat you! Predator-prey, Tenchi! HILL Sasami snarls and playfully brandishes a bite just above him. Tenchi chuckles, nervously. Sasami eyes him carefully, as he relaxes. She frowns and leans down, as if to kiss him. CU. SASAMI Tumbling backward--looking very surprised. CU. TENCHI Chuckling as he is running again. CU. SASAMI Very annoyed, as she slowly gets up again. She smiles and leaps after him again. 16 EXT. WIDE HILL FIELD Tenchi continues to run. SASAMI: (OC) No fair, Tenchi! You should play by the rules! Now, I make my own! 17 EXT. NEAR CAVE ENTRANCE Tenchi approaches the cave entrance again. CU. TENCHI Does a double-take. CU. ALCHEMIST Stands in the cave entrance, making a beckoning gesture to Tenchi. NEAR CAVE Tenchi stands for a moment at the cave entrance, a little indecisive. 18 EXT. WIDE HILL FIELD Sasami stops for a moment as she considers what Tenchi is doing. 19 EXT. NEAR CAVE ENTRANCE Tenchi enters the cave. 20 EXT. WIDE HILL FIELD SASAMI: (softly) Tenchi? 21 EXT. NEAR CAVE ENTRANCE Sasami approaches the cave entrance slowly. She looks in, carefully. SASAMI: Tenchi! You can't get away if you try to hide. I have you cornered for sure! Tenchi! 22 EXT. SUNNY PLAIN A vast, grassy, sunny plain. A small tent stands among the waving fields. A long trail leads through the fields to the tent entrance. CU. ALCHEMIST Looks very calm and wise. ALCHEMIST: You can believe whatever you wish, Tenchi, but I believe your grandfather was merely bored. He simply had no idea you would prove to be so much trouble. CU. TENCHI TENCHI: (sigh) I was wondering when I would see you again. Still deciding where you should retire, I see. PLAIN The alchemist bows and gestures assuringly. ALCHEMIST: You are very perceptive. I hope you do not feel unwelcome after this experience. Most people, when confronted with hidden powers of their own, find it a very unpleasant experience. (taking out the paper) This is yours, I believe. TENCHI: (taking the paper) Oh! Thanks. I thought I'd lost it. (frowning) Is Sasami going to be okay? ALCHEMIST: (shrugging) You made it out of the cave before, didn't you? Shall we continue this conversation inside? TENCHI: (looking around) Well, if you insist... 23 INT. TENT The alchemist sits on the ground before a round pool of water, framed by a metallic, golden rim. The water is flat, like glass, and glows--giving illumination to the tent in soft shades of green and blue. The alchemist gestures, and Tenchi goes to sit across the pool of water from him. ALCHEMIST: You know, you really shouldn't worry about Sasami. She can handle herself. I should know. TENCHI: Oh yeah. I almost forgot, you two had met before. She could never quite bring herself to talk about it. ALCHEMIST: (wistfully) She didn't strike me as the talkative type... CU. TENCHI TENCHI: (casually amused) You were thinking about making her your apprentice? CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: (a little annoyed) Yes, I have to admit, I was. She turned out to be... a little distracted. Well, shall we begin? I'm eager to see these hidden powers of yours. TENT Tenchi scratches his head, nervously. TENCHI: I'm still confused. How does this work, again? ALCHEMIST: It's very simple, Tenchi. Just answer the questions the best you can. There's no right answer, so don't worry about trying to figure it out. All right? TENCHI: (irritated) Uh... Oh, well. Okay. What's first? ALCHEMIST: Let's keep it simple, to start with. I find that to be best. First riddle: What do you get when you combine a dream with a nightmare? CU. TENCHI Stares blankly in confusion. 24 EXT. NEAR CAVE ENTRANCE Sasami leaves the cave. She sits and looks around, idly. CU. SASAMI Ryo-Ohki (small form) slowly approaches Sasami. Sasami is looking up, pondering, when Ryo-Ohki pounces into her lap. SASAMI: Oh, Ryo-Ohki! There you are! Where have you been all morning? Sasami pets Ryo-Ohki, and Ryo-Ohki purrs. CU. SASAMI'S FACE The emblem on her forehead begins to softly glow. 25 ABSTRACT A quick medium side-shot of young Sasami, sinking into a pool of blood. She grasps outward with her hand. 26 EXT. NEAR CAVE ENTRANCE CU. RYO-OHKI Snarling in outrage, then fleeing in terror. CU. SASAMI (perspective) Shot from behind Sasami, as she reaches out. SASAMI: Ryo-Ohki? What's wrong? She gasps and looks down at her hands. Her hands are covered in blood. CU. SASAMI (facing) She blinks and holds out her hands. Her hands are clean, again. CU. SASAMI'S FACE The emblem dims again. She trembles, nervously. NEAR CAVE Sasami nervously stands and walks away from the cave. 27 INT. LIBRARY Mihoshi leans over a book sitting near Ryoko. Ryoko is holding a shimmering sphere above both hands. MIHOSHI: Wow! CU. RYOKO Flinches and gasps in pain. She frowns and looks around at Mihoshi. RYOKO: What do you think you're doing? CU. MIHOSHI Pondering vacantly. MIHOSHI: You realize that you're doing something that this book (brandishing another book) says is totally impossible? LIBRARY Ryoko snarls and moves her book away. She then rubs the palm of her left hand, soothingly. CU. RYOKO Looking thoughtfully down at her book. RYOKO: What I find impossible to believe is that you are able to read my books in the first place, Mihoshi. CU. MIHOSHI Looks up in confusion, then smiles. MIHOSHI: Oh. But I thought they were Tenchi's books... CU. RYOKO Glares at Mihoshi. RYOKO: They're mine. So, stop looking at them! 28 INT. TENT Tenchi frowns. TENCHI: (musing) I don't understand how there should be any connection between a fire alarm and a weeping statue. What is this about, really? ALCHEMIST: (a little flustered) Tenchi, you didn't expect to be able to figure it out yourself, did you? In this line of work, you have to take certain precautions. You wouldn't reach into an oven without gloves, I assume? CU. TENCHI Sighs in frustration. TENCHI: Fine. I guess I should understand. You don't want to interfere. It might upset my natural development, I suppose. CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: (amused) No offense, Tenchi, but I don't really care about your development. I just hate it when people can copy my work. (he starts to chuckle) I have to protect my investments. I am retiring, after all. TENT Tenchi groans in irritation. 29 INT. MAIN HALL (table) Sasami carries a cup of tea to the table and sits across from Ayeka. CU. SASAMI She stares at Ayeka with an expression of anger mixed with trepidation. SASAMI: Ayeka, what's wrong with me? CU. AYEKA AYEKA: (barely stunned) Wrong? What could be wrong? You're not still mad about last night, are you? MAIN HALL (table) Sasami continues to stare. SASAMI: (outraged) How can you think about that at a time like this? Help me! AYEKA: Sasami, what has come over you? SASAMI: What's wrong with me? AYEKA: (sigh) Just calm down, Sasami. You're fine. You have nothing to fear. SASAMI: Are you sure? CU. AYEKA AYEKA: (casually irritated) Don't question me, Sasami. I am your older sister. Don't you forget it. I said you were fine. CU. SASAMI SASAMI: (calm and remorseful) I'm sorry, Ayeka. I won't bother you again. 30 INT. MAIN HALL Ayeka and Sasami continue to sit. Tilt up to balcony, where Ryoko looks down briefly, then floats up the stairs. CU. RYOKO Floats up the stairs, looking devilishly eager. 31 INT. NOBOYUKI'S BEDROOM Ryoko floats through the door and looks around, curiously. RYOKO: (to herself) Hmm... Now, if I were that dirty old man, where would I hide educational videos? CU. RYOKO Frowns as she looks around the room. RYOKO: (softly) Why he lets that nitwit stay in here, I'll never know. What a mess. BEDROOM Ryoko looking through a set of compartments. RYOKO: Hmm... No, not here. CU. ALCHEMIST Standing directly behind her. ALCHEMIST: (softly) Looking for something? BEDROOM Ryoko gasps and turns around quickly. RYOKO: What? What are you doing here? ALCHEMIST: Me? What are you doing here? Not neglecting your studies, are you? RYOKO: (scowling) Hey, I spent all morning studying. I'm just taking a short break. CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: (grinning) Yes. Nothing like a little stroll through other people's personal possessions, is there? CU. RYOKO Clenches her teeth in irritation. BEDROOM The alchemist playfully punches Ryoko on the arm. ALCHEMIST: And you call me a dirty old man! RYOKO: I'll call you whatever I want! Anyway, what are you doing here? It isn't polite to sneak up on people, you know. ALCHEMIST: (casual) Oh, just taking a break, myself. I wanted to see how your studies were progressing. CU. RYOKO RYOKO: (smirking) I just finished volume fifteen. I've mastered all the forms, haven't I? CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: Hmm... Yes, impressive. Well, now that you've finished the preliminary work, I can start you on the main course of study. Here you go... He holds out a rather large book. BEDROOM She snatches the book. She strains and holds it up, reading the cover. RYOKO: 'On Turning Gold Into Straw'? Is this some kind of joke? ALCHEMIST: Well, I have to admit it's a flashy title. I needed something with punch in it for marketing. I assure you, though, this book is the real study of alchemy. RYOKO: The real study? What have I been studying? ALCHEMIST: Oh, those were all just silly nonsense. I just needed to test you, to see if you were serious about this course of study. CU. RYOKO Barely restraining herself. RYOKO: You had me studying nonsense for three years! Oh! I'm going to kill you, old man! CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: (casual) You left out 'dirty.' BEDROOM Ryoko glowers for a moment, then starts to stalk toward the door. ALCHEMIST: (casually) You should really take this study more seriously, Ryoko. It isn't every day that I offer an apprenticeship. I'm a very patient man, but even I have my limits. RYOKO: (a little stunned) You won't back out of our arrangement? ALCHEMIST: (musing) I haven't decided, yet. As you are now, I could never let you have Tenchi, but I could let you borrow him for a little while. Would that suffice, Ryoko? RYOKO: (turning, angry) You son of a bitch! CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: (chuckling) You're so amusing to me, Ryoko. You know, you're the reason Tenchi doesn't show his affections toward you, but there is really nothing wrong with you. Tenchi doesn't despise you, but you can do nothing that can impress him. It's hopeless, you see. CU. RYOKO RYOKO: (grim and bitter) Oh! You are so disgusting! Why are you doing this to me? BEDROOM The alchemist folds his arms, considering. ALCHEMIST: Would you prefer that I left? Now that you know what you know, can you truly go back to what you were? RYOKO: (stiff, looking down) No. ALCHEMIST: (casual) Good. (firm) If I disgust you, it's because I reflect the truth. I don't have time to paint a pretty picture of what you would like to think you are. The truth is, you disgust me. I see great potential in you, Ryoko, but you always fail to utilize it properly and you always will. CU. RYOKO Looking up, suddenly very angry. RYOKO: Hey! BEDROOM Ryoko standing alone. She looks around and scowls. RYOKO: You son of a bitch! 32 EXT. FLOATING ONSEN 33 INT. POOL The entrance opens for Sasami, looking somewhat sullen and thoughtful. CU. MIHOSHI Sitting in the pool, holding a cup. She flinches and turns. MIHOSHI: Oh! Oh, Sasami. What are you doing here? POOL Sasami sits with her feet in the water. SASAMI: Just going to wash up. You don't mind? MIHOSHI: Uh, no. I was just leaving, anyway. CU. SASAMI SASAMI: (pondering) You know a lot about criminal behavior, Mihoshi? CU. MIHOSHI Standing in a towel. She looks stunned for a moment. MIHOSHI: Uh... Oh, yeah! I guess I do. POOL Sasami looks around at Mihoshi. SASAMI: (casually) Is a heat-of-passion crime a greater or lesser offense than premeditation? MIHOSHI: (a little nervous) Uh... It's generally a lesser, although it usually carries a stiffer sentence. SASAMI: Really? MIHOSHI: Uh, yeah. Is there something you want to tell me, Sasami? CU. SASAMI SASAMI: (annoyed) No. Thank you. I was just curious. 34 INT. TENT Tenchi is looking across at the alchemist, pondering. TENCHI: She didn't take it too hard, I hope. Ryoko can be very sensitive, you know. ALCHEMIST: (wistful) More so, lately. She carries a lot of baggage in her head, but--then again--I've never seen anyone recover from a personality fragmentation, either. She can be very durable, Tenchi. TENCHI: (frowning) She can be like fingernails on a chalkboard, but she means well. ALCHEMIST: Very well put, Tenchi. Let's continue, shall we? CU. TENCHI TENCHI: I hope you're getting somewhere, because I'm totally stumped. I'm not even sure I have a hidden power. CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: Just a few more questions. I'm starting to realize what it is, myself. It's just surprising that I didn't realize this sooner. CU. TENCHI TENCHI: (amused) You can't give me a hint? TENT The alchemist looks vaguely annoyed, as Tenchi chuckles, nervously. ALCHEMIST: (stiff) The only thing I can comfortably say is that in times of stress, you can produce light hawk wings. But you were already aware of this, correct? TENCHI: (disappointed) Oh, yeah. (sigh) Okay, what's the next riddle? ALCHEMIST: Let's try another simple one. I like the creative way that you answer the simple ones. Here goes: You're in a plunging airplane with three daughters. One daughter is wise, another beautiful and another courageous. Now, you have only one parachute. Who do you give it to? TENCHI: (laughing) Sorry, I was just thinking I'd probably take it myself--but that's not the right answer. ALCHEMIST: It's not? TENCHI: (calmly) Okay, let me think. Hmm... CU. TENCHI TENCHI: The beautiful one. That's the answer. Yes. CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: Beauty wins the test of survival. (softly) Why am I not surprised? (casually) So, how did you reach this conclusion, might I ask? TENT TENCHI: It's simple, really. You can't give the parachute to the courageous one--she'd probably throw it out a window and demand that we all die together. You wouldn't want the wise one to take it--you'd want her in the cockpit figuring out why the plane is plunging. That leaves the beautiful one--who would probably be more than happy to go. ALCHEMIST: Yes, this explains a lot. CU. TENCHI Frowns in confusion. 35 EXT. MASAKI SHRINE A nice, mid-afternoon frame. Yosho walks out to the steps with a cup in his hand. He sits and starts to drink. Ayeka is sweeping out in front. She looks up. CU. YOSHO He sets down the cup, smiling knowingly. SHRINE Ayeka flinches in shock. She drops the broom and runs. CU. YOSHO Sighs with amusement. SHRINE Tenchi approaches the shrine, still tapping the paper in his hands. CU. TENCHI TENCHI: Wasn't that Ayeka? What was she doing? CU. YOSHO Rolls his eyes. YOSHO: I think she was sweeping. SHRINE Tenchi goes to stand near Yosho at the steps. TENCHI: Those girls were acting strange yesterday. I never did find out what that was about. YOSHO: (gesturing) You mind? I haven't seen the paper, yet. TENCHI: Huh? Oh, yeah. (handing him the paper) I forgot I had it. YOSHO: Thank you. (opening it up to read) The girls did seem to be acting very strange. I'm not sure why, either. CU. TENCHI TENCHI: It's not something I did, is it? CU. YOSHO YOSHO: (casual) I'm sure it's not. I think there are just some things it's better not to know about. SHRINE Yosho continues to browse through the paper. TENCHI: I think we've managed to round up all the diplomats. There's sure to be a few more stragglers, though. It's really amazing that the whole thing is still a secret. I don't know how word doesn't leak out. YOSHO: Still tracking, huh? I thought you were done with all that months ago. TENCHI: It's mostly just guard duty. Those diplomats are all softies. They whine about the least little things. I think they like me because I'm a familiar face. YOSHO: Yes. I was wondering about that. It is good work, though? TENCHI: The pay is lousy, but I like it. The monotony has really brought out a creative surge in me. I've doubled the size of my portfolio in the past six months. CU. YOSHO YOSHO: (frowning) Ah. I see you had an ulterior motive. CU. TENCHI TENCHI: (chuckling nervously) It's good work. I like to get off-planet every now and then. CU. YOSHO Looks thoughtfully over the paper. YOSHO: You are doing well, I hope? Is there anything I should know, Tenchi? CU. TENCHI Vaguely perplexed. TENCHI: I'm fine. Why do you ask? SHRINE Yosho folds the paper and stands. YOSHO: It's good to hear. I like to know where you stand, Tenchi. It eases my mind. (handing him the paper) TENCHI: I understand, Grandpa. Don't worry about me. YOSHO: (thoughtfully) Do me a favor, Tenchi. TENCHI: Yes? YOSHO: Finish sweeping, would you? CU. TENCHI TENCHI: (subdued) Yes, Grandpa. 36 EXT. MASAKI HOUSE Early evening. 37 INT. KITCHEN Sasami is cooking and Mihoshi is peeling potatoes. Tenchi enters. TENCHI: Hey, girls. What's for dinner? Tenchi reaches for the pot and Sasami hits his hand with a spoon. Tenchi flinches, playfully. SASAMI: Stay out of that, huh? TENCHI: Carrots again? Don't we have something else? CU. SASAMI SASAMI: It's mostly for Ryo-Ohki. She's been in a bad mood since this morning. CU. TENCHI TENCHI: Oh. Okay. Tenchi looks a bit shocked as he is suddenly yanked downward behind the counter. CU. SASAMI Gestures for quiet as she holds Tenchi down by the shirt. She glances thoughtfully at his right shoulder, then looks up cautiously. CU. TENCHI Looks at Sasami questioningly. RYOKO: (OC) Hey, Mihoshi. Have you seen Tenchi? MIHOSHI: (OC) Oh! Uh... No, I haven't seen him. A few beats pass, as Tenchi starts to look annoyed. TENCHI: (softly) Why did you do that? KITCHEN Sasami looks back at Tenchi. SASAMI: (half-serious) I think I might have just saved your life. Ryoko has been stalking around with a vengeance today. TENCHI: (to himself) I can imagine. (casually) So, what can I do to return the favor? SASAMI: Well... You could explain this to me. (gesturing at his shoulder) 'Dream of Immortality'? CU. TENCHI TENCHI: Oh. I felt bad about something that happened a while back, and I wanted to make sure and hedge my bets a bit. CU. SASAMI SASAMI: (frowning) What? KITCHEN TENCHI: It's a symbol of protection, actually. If all else fails, I have the tattoo. I don't think Ryoko will want to kill me if she sees it. SASAMI: (softly) You romantic scamp! You don't think it'll actually work, do you? TENCHI: (matter-of-factly) I hope I never have to find out. Tenchi and Sasami slowly stand again. TENCHI: Oh, hey Mihoshi. Have you seen my video 'Restless Cooks In the Wilderness'? I think I forgot it last time I went off-planet. MIHOSHI: (stunned) What? SASAMI: (shocked) That was yours? CU. TENCHI Frowning with innocent confusion. TENCHI: (casually) Yeah. (snorting) You don't think I actually watch that stuff? I just sell videos to diplomats for a little extra cash. Diplomats are such perverts. CU. MIHOSHI Hides her face in shame. CU. SASAMI SASAMI: (very annoyed) Why did you leave it in honorable Father's collection? CU. TENCHI TENCHI: (wistful) Oh, that's where it was. Oh yeah. I forgot. I ran out of room in my carrying case. (laughing) Oh! That's why you girls were acting so strangely. Wow! You didn't actually watch that video? THE END